beach glass

So, here I am, sitting at my dining room table in front of my computer.  I have a group of candles burning beside me as the only source of light.  Flickering light. Flickering thoughts as I reflect on blogging. I can't believe I have been writing here in my own little corner of the blog world for 5 whole years.  Who knew I was so yappy? 60 months, 1825 days, and 1458 posts!

5 years later?  Older. Wiser? hmmmm.......... That's debatable.  Have I learned anything? Yes.  Have I changed?  Oh yes, big shifts.  Have I matured?  No.  Have I acquired a few more pock marks, bruises and beauty marks?  Oh my God have I!  Do I still see the world through the lens of the absurd?  You bet.  Has my world expanded?  To infinity and beyond....... collecting blessings and life long friendships as I have ventured. Beautiful blessings that reach out to all corners of this global village we live, work and play in. 

Awareness.  It's a far reaching theme umbrella to write under.  It suits me perfectly because it has allowed me to practise my writing, to experiment with wordplay, to reflect on new learning, obervations, to share stories, to make up rhymes, to broaden and to dissect. Most importantly, it has provided me a forum for personal growth, spiritually, emotionally, cognitively while hopefully offering up my own learning to add to your own learning through stories, poetry, opinion, essays, photography.

I'm struck with the range of topics I've attempted to tackle.  To me, each post seems like a piece of beach glass that I either stumbled upon, or had carefully chosen to display.  Some have been rounded and softened by the rolling waves, some still have pointy angles to them.  Those ones hurt a bit when you close your hand around them.  Shards of glass, all uniquely shaped.  Some clear like the sheets of a window, while others opague with a layer of white chalk on them.  The ones which are the most pleasing to my eye come in light catching greens and rare cobalt blue or porcelain white.

Beach glass doesn't come from nowhere..... they all have an unknown history much larger and grander than the remnant left on the shoreline.  What you see when you pick it up to explore its texture, shape and colour is merely the tip of its story.  Just like the writing I do on this blog.  So much of  what I write is the mere tip of my life's observations.  But just like the beach glass, it is what ends up on the shore of my thinking.......it's what gleams in my thoughts that I end up capturing.   

I look at what I've written and see it as individual pieces.  Then, I stand back to look at the body of work as a whole and I see the mosaic patchwork created.  Under the theme of Awareness, this elemental montage forms a rough worn window on my soul.  If my soul is a cabin in the woods down by the water, this is one of the windows where the light gets in.  Peak through the collage of beach glass and you will see a part of who I am. Not all of me.  

This blog is a slice of my story.  It captures reflected observations, feelings and opinions.  There is so much more I either choose not to share, havent discovered or written about yet.  That's the thing about awareness.  Not only is is a broad theme..... it is an infinite one as vast as the oceans where beach glass is tumbled and molded. 

Miles to go before I sleep.

My blog is a work in progress.  My mosaic window is incomplete.  Just like me............ there is more to learn.  There is more to explore.  There is more to reflect upon.  I am a work in progress.  Just like you!  A human becoming.....

5 years and counting........... I love this place and it warms me right down to my painted toenails that you seem to enjoy it too.  :)

 

painting by Valerie Leri

Cointreauversational Questions and Answers....

I seem to be having a tough time pulling my writing thoughts together over the past couple of days.... short attention span....... other priorities ...... hovering in limbo waiting to hear some news related to my career (good news, but still waiting...) I suck at waiting. Just ask my family who make me wait for them at least once a day, and then stand back as my head explodes.

Tonight, Pip posted these questions on his blog and they intrigued me. They stirred up a bunch of golden thought threads I may tug on beyond here, where I can delve a little deeper into the secret "whys" and "how comes." As much as I share quite a bit of myself on this site, it is only the tip of the iceberg, some of which is still hidden from me. Questions like these provoke and poke, twist and braid, tug and pull at the golden threads..... unravel too. I like that process.

1. What colour would describe you interior right now?

A dark shade of purple.....the colour you see long after the sun has slipped beyond sight. I love the idea of mixing red with blue. Vibrant heat with Azure cool. Purple is the colour of royal contradictions. Paradoxical purple.... moving into dark.

2. What colour would describe your exterior you right now?

A much lighter shade of purple ...... though if you looked at the back of my neck you'd see red. I was gardening all afternoon and was slapped by the sun. No pain....just heat and it feels good and healthy.

3. What feeling is predominant right now?

My feelings seem to run the gamut these days. I blame whacky blasts of estrogen on top of a continued sense of being unsettled which makes me impatient, uncomfortable, doubtful on top of hopeful. But, if I had to pinpoint one predominant feeling right.at.this.moment as I reflect on the day?

Satisfied.....

4. Which human person is inside your head right now?

One of my oldest friends has been visiting me in my head tonight. Its a rare occasion when we have a chance to catch up, but its a rare day when I don't think of our friendship at least once. In fact, I am convinced that our thoughts are often simultaneous. This comforts me on many levels.

5. When was the last time you prayed?

I try to keep a prayer going all the time, and began to believe so after I read this quote by Frederick Buechner... "Everybody prays whether [you think] of it as praying or not. The odd silence you fall into when something very beautiful is happening or something very good or very bad. The ah-h-h-h! that sometimes floats up out of you as out of a Fourth of July crowd when the sky-rocket bursts over the water. The stammer of pain at somebody else's pain. The stammer of joy at somebody else's joy. Whatever words or sounds you use for sighing with over your own life. These are all prayers in their way. These are all spoken not just to yourself but to something even more familiar than yourself and even more strange than the world. "

When I really stopped and focused on a prayer was the other day. I was sitting in my van in the parking lot where I now work. I had been rushed and feeling discombobulated over all the changes in my work life. In order to calm myself, I sat quietly and repeated the words of St. Francis ..... as a way to seek some inner peace. It truly refreshed me.

6. When is the last time you wept?

Last night. I was exhausted and felt emotionally drained. It seemed like a cleansing. I slept soundly afterwards.

7. Describe the connection between 5 and 6?

Tears are never too far away from me, but I'm fine with them. They may make others feel uncomfortable, and its not that I don't care about making them uncomfortable, but I actually don't care if I make them uncomfortable. Sometimes tears hit me when I'm praying. This happens mostly when my cup is too full and they just spill out of that place.

Tears come from a place of joy too, or when I let my guard down in order to feel deeply when something profound occurs. This happened yesterday morning when a colleague was describing an amazing encounter she had over the weekend. Her stories often leave me with a rush of tears because she has such a strong spiritual side to her and can encapsulate it in a story that always moves me. I am blessed to be working closely with her every single day.

8. Name three activities which help you in your wholeness journey?

Writing, photography

and connecting with people .... counselling, facilitating, emailing, blogging, over dinner, just hanging out.

9. Say when you last actually participated in those activities?

Every single day..... as much as I can.

10. Will you think of a question for me and send it?

Yes..... and if you would like me to send you a question, leave me a comment and I will custom design one for you....!! And if you would like, you leave your answers to any of Pip's questions as a comment here. I would LOVE to read your thoughts....!

Pip? Here is your "cointreauversational" question my emerald friend..... :)
Is there a book you've read which impacted your way of thinking and living to a point where you felt an internal transformational shift?

"as you think, so ye shall be...."

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in the common hours."

Thoreau

There is an intuitive place where thinking and feeling find one another and form a moment of unexpected focus. No words can match this "felt sense..." Instead, what you're left with is a vision........a picture or a symbol representing a personal dream or an obstacle in the way of fulfilling that dream. And if you were to take that initial vision a few steps beyond, it just may lead you to a vista beyond the line in the horizon.........to a place where the panoramic view is unlimited.

Our thoughts always seem to have boundaries........or perhaps it is just our inhibitions getting in the way of broadening the possibility of where our imagination can take us. We continue to step in a patterned mode, continuously repeating the same moves, the same actions even if we languish in a spiral going nowhere. Why? Because its comfortable. We are comfort seekers rather than wilderness seekers. Despite our awareness of what our needs are, or what our dreams look like, we rest easy within the confines of our bordered thinking....

Jesus said......."As you think, so ye shall be............"

Hidden potential.......what is yours? What are the changes and challenges which block you from responding to your gifts? What are you willing to do in order to reveal your hidden potential...in order to dream big? What do you need to nurture in order to move into the direction of what it is you want? How do we feed our thoughts with the passion we so often withold?

When was the last time you allowed your thinking to blend with your feelings to stretch yourself beyond the boundaries you have purposefully set up to protect yourself from escaping the tame and embracing the wild side? When we allow ourselves to focus on this type of travel, we experience the "felt sensing" moment where wisdom taps us on the temple.... where we transform into a spiritual being having a human experience.

Transformation......such a loaded word isn't it? I used to think it was an stand alone event which happened to some people connected to their religion and church. What i realize now is that transformation is an evolutionary process which may or may not be formalized through organized religion. It's a lifelong unfurling of personal growth and not a true destination endpoint. It is the type of journey which allows one to move beyond the boundaries of our defined self, of our form to advance beyond what we already know to meet, as Thoreau describes...."a success unexpected in common hours."

Eternal, infinite and life changing...this is what transformation is all about. If you are willing to be open to going beyond the original field of dreams and focusing on the place inside where the merging happens, you just never know where your intuitive nature will lead you....to a place of discomfort. To a place where uncertainty feels like your life undressed. To a place where the words are few but the dreams are open ended.....

*my thoughts after a great visioning day with the new team....***

A dance in need of attention

I'm OK -- You're OK

It's all good................

I'm not OK -- You're OK

I'm still not OK -- You're not saying

I'm becoming OK -- You remain silent

I'm OK -- You're not OK, I guess

I'm OK, trying to reach out -- You're not sharing

I'm missing you -- I have no clue how you are

I wrack my brains wondering

what I may have done to feed your Not OK-ness

You have shut me out....Why?

I'm now not OK

I work it through and try to get on with life


Maybe you are doing the same?


I'm becoming OK again -- You are too I think.

I'm OK -- You want to talk.

I agree and try to arrange for this -- You turn away again.

I'm baffled and hurt -- You stonewall me.

We sit in silence.........separately

I'm now not OK again-- Are you? I want to know


As the sun peaks up over the river to welcome in a new day,
I wonder where this dance will lead.
I hope there's a lovely twirl in it but I'm not counting on it.
Instead, I will begin again to find myself a bucket of OK

to put over my head.

The photos were taken this morning while standing on my back deck.

Recognized as a blessing, I smile at the warm touch from God.

thoughts...

I was clicking around on the channels last night trying to find something to catch my attention. I had woken up after falling asleep on the couch....AFTER I had just experienced a horrendous nightmare. This one had seemed so real it left me completely freaked out. I had been stalked and attacked and then had to go through a trial where the perpetrator was shackled and locked in a small dog crate and all he did during the trial was stare at me with longing and lust and a smile on his face. Originally, the perp was unknown to me but while he was huddle up in this crate, he morphed into someone I knew.....someone I was once close to.

It creeps me out just thinking about it now......

shiver.....

So, I turned on the TV..... to find escape.....and all of a sudden, I'm watching the weirdest interview on a usually flippy late night talk show....Craig Ferguson is interviewing Bishop Desmond Tutu. They are talking about humanity, forgiveness, reconciliation, and on being human.....and I hear...."None of us comes into the world fully formed. We would not know how to think, or walk, or speak, or behave as human beings unless we learned it from other human beings. We need other human beings in order to be human. I am because other people are."

Tutu then talks about forgiveness and tells a story about a woman who spoke during the apartheid truth and reconciliation hearings in South Africa. The woman had been gang raped and burned alive. Her family was brutally murdered and she was left to die. However, she lived and spent months in a hospital healing her painful painful wounds. The time in the hospital left her with an unrelenting amount of time in her head processing her horrendous unimaginable experiences. When she healed and had the opportunity to speak out, she described her ordeal as life enriching and requested that she meet the perpetrator. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to describe what she had been through, what she had lost. She needed to express her deep feelings, and her thoughts. What she wanted was for this man to ask for his forgiveness. But, more importantly, she wanted a chance to seek forgiveness herself.

It left me stunned....how could a woman who had been violated, beaten, burned and left alone with her family have a desire to express her own forgiveness?


Bishop Tutu talked about the fact that if we harbour resentment, if we choose to remain hostage to the vileness of hatred and to the evil all around us, we do more damage to ourselves. Still I wonder if I could be big enough to ask for forgiveness if I had been through such pain and sorrow. Where does this strength come from? How can one maintain any semblance of faith when one's whole world has been torn apart?


The story gives me hope....and makes me want to strive for that strength and resilience needed to overcome the very worst our nightmares and imagination can drum up. It also makes me shake my head in wonder.......makes me want to reach out and embrace those who suffer such atrocities to let them know that whatever strength i have to give, I want to lend it to them too.


We are all human because we learn about ourselves through other humans. We cannot "be" without the people in our lives nor without the experiences life throws at us.

temptation

it can

steal away focus,

create internal conflict

shrug off moral reasoning

taste like warm nectar

leave a bitterness

catch your breath

tantalize thoughts

launch impulsivity

cry freedom

frighten a grown man

start a new journey

tamper with dignity

strip down integrity

be gloriously sinful

stir a curious woman
shower you with shame

make you crave

break your spirit

harmonize two minds

be the answer to a great mystery

spark a lost soul

generate energy

kick you in the gut

leave you wanting more.

temptation entices a wandering unanchored passion in need of affirmation. it spins control on its side, wrapping it in an alluring flame with mesmerizing dreams. it chokes discipline leaving it bruised and unable to swallow.

acting on one may alleviate the trembling ache of emptiness with the heat of fulfillment or it can fuel the heart with an unrelenting desire for more.

aren't you curious to know where your temptations will lead? I wonder whats just beyond that door??

needs and releases

Our behaviour is our best attempt at the given time to fulfill one of 5 basic needs....survival, love and belonging, empowerment/control, freedom and/or fun.

What impacts our behaviour is how we think and how we feel.........about ourselves, about others in our lives, about the situation we find ourselves in, about what life has served up.

Past experiences trigger reactions

Past experiences thrust us into the familiar dance steps

Past experiences shroud us from new perspectives, from a new way of seeing.

Old wounds refreshed and uncared for seep into the present and are revealed in the kind of decisions we make

Life can leave us with two scraped knees and a dislocated soul can't it? It's safer to stay under the covers sound asleep or numbed by vices, disconnected to the rest of the world. Thats the choice.........to remain asleep and safe or to be self-medicated or to be wide awake and vulnerably out there giving it our best....

Action never happens without a thread to thought or feelings. Even if you're the Prime Minister. Even if you're an elected official sitting in opposition vying for the leadership ring. Accumulated unreflected experiences leave their mark on the manner with which one leads their life. Knowing this, and knowing that these men seem to be quite intelligent, why are they so unaware of the ramifications of their actions on others and on their own lives?

When someone gets into a shoving match with their own psyche, can any bystander stop the insanity? We seem to have elected a bunch of very wounded needy people intent on fulfilling their own needs instead of rising to the occasion and recognizing that their behaviour is impacting a whole nation.

Oh, great. Oh, Canada.

Can someone up in Ottawa please give these boys a mirror to look at? A whole lot of reflection is needed............and some psychotherapy to help them see their wrinkled, beard stubbled faces are those of ADULTS??

what a mess...........

We expect instant gratification, unrivalled perfection and complete satisfaction. Our lives are driven by quick decisions, fast moving information, and overnight resolutions. We demand an answer, an opinion, a judgement NOW. We live on the edge of defence where trust in authority and government is non existant.

And yet, we are reliant on technology, theoretical monetary mountains we buy and sell, and all the creature comforts we take for granted. We are an impulsive, obsessive, demanding, unsatisfied, ungrateful bunch of yahoos whose needs continue to escalate as we buy more material goods to tuck into our nests. If anyone gets in our way, we create a war, or rage out on the highway, or leave others in the wake. Why not? Others will clean up the mess. It's their fault anyways. It's never our fault. Oh, and we're way too busy to vote. What's the point really........voting I mean? They are all a bunch of crooks.

We eat too much, drink too much, talk too much, consume too much and yearn for too much. We own a closet full of shoes and yet we need another pair......and another and another. Our Pavlovian response to the gazillion dollar marketing which saturates our lives everywhere we turn is appalling. We have bought into the world of consumerism, commercialism, materialism, MORE-ism. And when we feel overwhelmed, undervalued and sad, we call on God to bail us out. "Hey God?" we bark out. "We need you. Please fix this situation we find ourselves in."

How spoiled bratish is that? Irresponsible, irrational little children who are making a big huge mess on our planet with the economy, the environment, the emotional balance of the collective, that's what we are......... So determined we are to put the whole fix up on God. As the messes continue to pile up, both inside and outside of our homes, both inside and outside of ourselves...........we get really testy with God and threaten him that are beliefs will disappear ....

"Hey God, where the heck are you? If you love me you'd be there right NOW when I need you and if you don't show your presence than I won't believe in you anymore. Got that, God? I demand that you show me you're there or I'll, I'll.............I'll runaway from you God....you won't be able to find me then. How would you like that? And I'll tell all my friends when I see them shopping next that you didn't fix things........"

We are nuts. We blame and shame instead of taking some ownership and responsibility start making some much needed changes. We love that fact that we have been given free will and the ability to think, to choose, to analyze, to reflect, to love and forgive, to savour and to reject but we avoid these gifts like the black plague because we'd have to take the lead on healing. Oh, and one other thing? We believe we have absolutely no control over what happens around us, so our white flag surrendering is a totally acceptable way of being for anything that happens. great. So, who has the big broom to sweep up the mess???

Tonight the stock markets are in a landslide. The economy of the most financially important country in the world has been temporarily (hopefully) annihilated by a greedy unruly juvenile government hellbent on continuing to flexing their muscles. The domino effect has begun. It may have started with the upper echelon where salaries and lifestyles are beyond the comprehension of 99% of world's population........this 1% think they are untouchable. Soon, it will be felt in the service industry, the manufacturing sectors, and all best supporting businesses. Money to help other people in other countries in need will dry up like a drought. It's a mess and the two last standing contenders who are fighting tooth and nail for the biggest office in the land of the free seem to be flailing their waffles while stumbling over their discomfort while the rest of the planet wonders how much this whole mess will impact their economies.

Canada has always been the little mouse living beside the sleeping elephant..........and it turns out that the elephant has woken up snarky and is having a very tough time finding its footing. Not good for little mousey underfoot. Our economy is showing some slight wounds because of the recession which is financially eroding the lives of real people living above their credit means south of the border sending thousands and thousands into financial bankruptcy....... No doubt in my mind that this country will follow suit. Our surplus is gone........you know the one Paul Martin created while financial minister.?

Our illustrious Prime Minister Harper meanwhile is completely downplaying the ramifications of the bailout on the buyout in the U.S. of A. He's simply focused on the task at hand.......winning the pending election.......God willing of course.

I'm all for messy living. But this is beyond the pale. Who should we turn to?? Personally, I'm putting my support behind the skills and talents of Denny Crane. Why not? It's his last season. Maybe he can work a solution into the scripts and pull a few others to fight the good fight. Sam Seaborn perhaps?

ego, definitions and sticky labels

We are what we believe we are

C.S. Lewis

There is a real eagerness as well as pressure from ourselves and others to grab hold of a label or two as a means to define oneself and then to try our very best to stay within the parameters of those darn labels. It makes it easier to "understand" ourselves and others if we know that perhaps we have some of the same stickers on our foreheads or that perhaps our most visible labels are widely different. We THINK we know how to handle the other person. We BELIEVE we know what is expected of ourselves. Then we become walking, talking, thinking, feeling, doing self-fulfilling prophesies don't we? I give you what you want......you give me what I want and we leave it at that.

Spontaneity and authenticity not to mention genuineness only amount to fleeting concepts in this kind of awareness encounter. It seems to me that when this occurs, especially in a long term more meaningful relationship with someone, it marks the beginning of the end especially if the labels are negatively perceived or even perceived as having an expiry date. If there is no growth, no ongoing transformation recognized, we grow weary. Judgement, accusations, criticism festers under these circumstances. If we are expected "to be" one thing and we don't provide this, or we provide it in a different capacity than what is expected, we are dismissed, passed up, ignored. We don't fit the little box they have put us in.


Labels and defining ourselves is more pervasive than just scratching the surface because they impact our feelings and how we act. What we think about ourselves, how we perceive it is all tied in with the judgement of ourselves and from others. We can get holy wrapped in this cellophane, stamped with an expiry date because what happens is that there doesn't seem to be any new growth. We can't see it in ourselves, or worse we stop trying to evolve through personal learning, and others only see us as as a piece of driftwood rather than a living tree. Growth is life. You stop growing, you stop living. Might as well be a shell of your own existance.


We are like sponges soaking in other's perceptions of who we are, what we represent, where we fit in the greater scheme of things, and what makes us tick. Though I believe we are all born with certain gifts which if we are lucky match our personalities and the careers somehow float down into, we are more than what we do for a living, or do as human beings. However, some of our "labels" are deeply imbedded and they do impact the vibes we send out to the world and what we have to offer to others. Though they change shape by the opportunities we seek out to offer them up, they are honed by the amount of use they get and the amount of awareness one has of these particular label gifts.



So much of what we read and see these days on television encourages us to strip away all of our labels because they represent what is termed "ego," and portend to be in the way of ourselves "be"-coming more compassionate for others and for ourselves. Our egos act as hard shells that encase the way we see the world, and the way we see ourselves in the world and they are fed by the labels we stick on your foreheads and parade around. We are encouraged to speak the words "I am" and not add a descriptive to the end of the two words because it allows us to delve deeper into a spiritual core which emanates within us rather than skim our external surfaces to find meaning.

Don't you find it all so confusing?? I mean on one hand, definitions seem to be what people expect and on the other hand we are told that we minimalize ourselves, we compartmentalize ourselves and our way of looking at the world if we use labels.



I am.

I am.

I am.

I am what? Some floating unanchored being?

I dont know if I would ever be able to do this consistently, and I don't know if I want to. The very idea makes me light headed, like I've lost my footing as well as the oxygen to breathe. Having no focal point to describe myself dislodges the anchor that keeps me from floating away. Maybe I'm just too conditioned to strip away "ego." Maybe I am not quite a believer, but it seems to me that this ego offers anchoring balance and perspective, and yet I know that for much of my adulthood I have been involved in a dance of trying to figure out who I am through what i do. I always figured that if I could figure it out perhaps I would find that sense of inner settling I long for. Now, it seems I've gone about it all wrong.


What I do is not who I am. I am not what I do. I guess. Heck, who the hell knows anymore??

It's all so daunting to rip the labels off the forehead and wander nakedly amongst the ether of spiritual awakening! Can I just hold onto a few of those labels? Or maybe I could simply define myself as a human being who just happens to love counselling and teaching? Can I just have one day when I can call myself a writer? I won't burn in hell for doing that now would I? My ego and me have been friends for a while. It's hard to say goodbye to him.

Funny that i see my ego attached to something masculine. It does seem like a boy word. hmmm........

dreams........

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it shrivel up and die without proper acknowledgement and notice or does it leave a little tear stained dent of remembrance on the dreamer?

Still Life.........is there such a place?

I ate the top one. It was delicious.

Still Life Macs, Nov 2007

How does one let the dust settle in order to see beyond the mummered trappings humming chaotic thoughts? How does one attain a stillness reached only from the silencing of the mind of the soul? A wild cacophony resonates, bellowing over what needs to be heard. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism. Perhaps when we silence our minds, we are confronted with a truth we aren't ready to face. Is there a fear which stops us from entering into this type of dialogue?

It's easier to keep busy. Busy hands, busy feet, busy mind, busy life. If we remain busy, we justify our time, project an image that we are productive and therefore content with the status quo. It's easier to avoid the productivity of our inner comtemplations by being actively engaged in the busy work of life, than to try to tackle what may be the most important task we have as individuals........to hear the discourse of the silent mind. Why? Because it is so difficult to reach and then to stay there for any length of time.

Our silent mind is an entangled mix of a life lived so far, where there's a blending of the spices......kindness, sorrows, joys, frustration, anger, doubt, happiness, shame, love, guilt .........a mixing of the ingredients captured in the moments which mean the most to us........or which have left the most beauty marks.

It is where we reflect, and try to connect with what is meaningful. It is where truth dwells. Hard hurtful truth entangled with soft welcoming love. And if our goal in life, or at least one if them is to love like you have never been hurt? Well, I guess we just have to recognize that there is risk, but that we must trust that love propels the journey.

Our lives are never completely still. Our minds are never completely silent. I'm beginning to recognize that the deeper the stillness and the longer the silence, the more I am able to hear, the more I am able to listen to the words hidden behind the mummerings. For behind these mummerings which steal comfort is where the dialogue with God just may take place.

And it makes me wonder.............if I was to succeed in silencing my mind enough to meet God face to face, what would I ask Him? What would you ask Him?

And what would He ask of you and me?

pathos, passion and purpose....

fury, passion and heat of a summer storm

Loud honestly expressive emotions scare the pants off people. We are conditioned at a very early age to keep them under wraps because they make others feel uncomfortable. Cultural and gender rules complicate the acceptable map that chart what is appropriate, and what isn't, as do the stereotypes we have for nationalities. What is allowable in a very young child, is different than what is anticipated in adolescence, or what is demanded of an adult, or even what is agreeable from a person in the later years of their lives. Different workplaces and careers spin their own set of rules.

Can you imagine an intensely gregarious librarian with a penchant for impulsive stand up comedy outbursts while returning books to their appropriate shelves? What about a motivational speaker who decides to show up one day with a bag full of anger and decides to rant and rage from the podium? A Manager who breaks into song while reviewing the agenda for the meeting? Despite the fact that we are all born with certain temperments, the acceptable range of emotions is born by the societal norms we find ourselves in.

And rightly so.................for most of our daily lives. We learn to play the game because society needs some semblance of order and order only comes when we BEHAVE. Whether it's learning to repress our natural inclinations or to more fully express beyond our inherent comfort zone, we learn the rules and abide by them. I may WANT to share exactly how I'm feeling with people I encounter during a typical day, but they most likely don't want to hear it. No...................if you're asked..........."How are you today?" Our auto-pilot knee jerk response is a bland......."Fine, thank you. How's your day going?"

polite, acceptable, expected small talk.

Try walking into the coffee shop you frequent the most and answer that question posed by the person waiting on you with a different response, even if it isn't too outrageous..........like........

"I'm exhausted and premenstrually grouchy thanks. How about you?" Guaranteed, you will..............

a) be remembered

b) receive a dumbfounded responsive look from someone who isn't used to improvising or revising their own response.

Express your LOVE too much.....Describe how much you LOATHE or ADORE an activity........Detail the SORROW you feel over a provocative movie or an encounter you've had..........Wax poetic about the PAIN and ANGUISH you feel, or how INSPIRED you feel by a piece of poetry or..................play the evocative trump card and watch out. People are just not comfortable in that milieu. You will be dismissed as an eccentrically out of control nutbar. Intensity in public is frowned upon. Intensity EVEN out of the public eye, with most of the people whom we are the closest to is not received well.

For God's sake, keep the tear ducts plugged, your fantasties on file and your passions in your pants.

Repress your distress. Well, perhaps it's alright to say you are having a bad day and leave it at that. Tell someone you enjoyed their company thank you very much, but don't hug them TOO long or they will get the wrong impression. Be good! Be nice! When one has a tendancy to wear ones emotions more openly than the societal comfort level, it is like a breath of fresh air when one finds a kindred who isn't afraid to be the receiver of them.

This is why I love writing. Though we have a tendancy to censor a lot of what we share publically, the allowable well is deeper, and the rules for the most part are of our own making. Expressive thought written down tends to be more viscerally emphatic. There's an intimacy between the author and reader that is enticing.

Writing about how one feels is to offer a venue that says......guess what? You can journey with me on this emotional trip if you want, and hopefully you can relate because you've felt them too.

Let me describe my passions.......the big bright validating life affirming scope of emotions.

Let me describe what makes me weep with sadness, what makes me rage with frustration.

Let me find the words for my desires, my hopes, my loves, my whooping JOY.

Let me stir around in the complicated silence which echos the pathos of my heart.

Let our emotions tap tap tap our thinking..........not to drive our decisions, but to add outward clarity to our inward prayers.

Writing is a cathartic character building boulevard where words merge with effervescent efflusivity. And as much as blogging is a public forum, it still has an anonymity shield which offers a chance for interaction to be a more intimate and acceptable place to display our worries, our frets, our longings. Strangers become friends because the happy hour small talk is cast aside. Blemishes are acceptable. Beauty is more robust. It can be a place where one can spill out doubts as emotionally charged as one wants.

As for the people in my life whom I have a history with outside of the blogworld who read and worry about the intensity of it all? For the love of PETE! RELAX! I personally cannot speak/write for anyone else except myself. My writing is my forum to put words to my thoughts and new ideas out while owning how I feel. I am not becoming a religious fanatic, however that is defined. What of it if I was? I am not about to take a long walk off a short pier........... I'm not running away, falling apart, losing my marbles nor changing my hair colour. (well, ok, I changed my hair colour to RED). I'm growing in the discomfort.

Wounds are never silent because they will begin to fester. They need recognition from the owner and I'm saying hello to them. I am simply poking the hibernating bear we all have lurking beneath the sheets of decorum, and LOVING the discoveries the writing has unearthed.

Returning to the rough waters........

Time to put the canoe back in the water.

We're gonna shoot some rapids along the way

As much as I love being at home and seem content to be home for long stretches of time, I thrive best when I'm busy. Juggle, juggle ........move, move .........plan, plan ..........dobeeedooooo........meet, arrange, listen, write, drive, organize, teach, learn, laugh, talk, strive, stretch, refresh, irritate...........

Did I say irritate?

Yes, I'm back at work meeting with people who are living each day to the best of their ability only to be pushed down and marginalized every step of the way. And, what is my natural role in this work that I do besides counselling and consulting?

Irritating. I'm a full fledged shit disturbing irritater. I can't help it. Issues and concerns meet me at my office door. As much as I have been told to "stay under the radar" and "keep my head down so as not to pull the focus spotlight in my direction" ......... this advice given lovingly by folks who don't want to see me hurt by the system we work in..... as much as I've been warned and told ......... I simply can't do it. I see injustice or mistreatment and my head just about pops off.

Then, I go to bat.........for the mistreated and misunderstood. Radar? What radar??? I can't find the radar let alone work under it. Where's the fun in that?

Sure, I can be diplomatic. I am a respected leader. Many seek me out for consulting or spilling their stories. But, for some reason these attributes are not wanted in my environment. My questions or challenges to the rules and policies of the day go against the status quo most people are comfortable living with.

I seem to refresh their irritation. By doing so, I seem to refresh my own irritation.

Yes, I'm back at work.........loving the encounters and the stories and the feeling of being needed. I love hearing the person stories and know I can help them deal with some of their obstacles........or more importantly help them deal with their own obstacles. I love the interaction, the communication, the pace, the drama, the successes and the triumphs. I want to be there to help them bear their sorrow, share their dilemmas, speak of their beliefs. I want to work to understand what it's like to live with Schizophrenia, how difficult it is to have a child with Attention Deficit, when it's time to say stop to violent abuse. I want to be surrounded by these strong willed defiant people who tackle mountains EVERY day and live to see another beautiful sunrise with hope in their hearts. How do they do it???

I want to understand. And then, I want to help them fight the systemic marginalization....the rules and policies.......the bullshit........the insincerity they hear in the voices who hold power. You can't change the system extensively unless you can work inside it. That's my theory anyways.

It's what I do. I irritate, advocate, communicate, demonstrate, complicate, negotiate, and commiserate. And in return? I get a whole lot of smiling thank yous from the ones who matter. Hugs too. Lots of hugs. And in the long run? Perhaps some system changes will take place......

That is what matters.........it's a messy process, but a good fit for a misfit like me.

I'm back at work, ready to refresh a few irritations, including my own. It feels right. However, I get the feeling that some don't have the same feeling as I do.

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” -The Dalai Lama

I seem to be sitting on a precipice of sorts wondering where I will head with respect to many aspects of my wavering faith. High up on a ledge I sit, my legs dangling in the air....and with every breath I encounter a new question, a new doubt which leaves me baffled and lost. If only I could wake up one morning in a state of assurance instead of suspended belief. Do I need proof to cross the line from spiritual abyss to some sense of spiritual maturity? When does one know when they have developed a level of spiritual maturity? What is spiritual maturity anyways? What does it look like? I've read the term inserted in various essays and books I have picked up over the past couple of years and yet I have never questioned it until now.

My closed minded stubborness which kept the God door firmly closed for so many years completely arrested any learning or development in understanding religion. Give me proof or piss off was my attitude. I wanted hard facts...........an observed miracle........a clear sign.......a personal encounter to kick open the deadbolted door which stood between my heart and God. It didn't happen. My belief that faith needed proof suspended all and any spiritual growth.



Nothing monumental occured........no bolts of lightening, no visits from the Virgin Mary, no whispers from God happened to me when I first noticed the light filtering through the door again. It was a combination of smaller moments which arrived at a point in my life when I felt vulnerable, when my guard was down that offered the hope of possibility. I had stopped searching long ago and yet, I was holding the door closed with all my might up until this point. When I finally sat back to take a rest or maybe it was to surrender the tug of war I was having with faith versus proof........all of a sudden I began to wonder about the mystery again. I also realized how much of my energy was being wasted on keeping the Holy Spirit at bay instead of using it to ponder, question, listen..................to be open to wondering.....to be open to expanding my understanding of love.....to letting my actions as a human being be led by love for my fellow man.



Since then, I have wandered not so aimlessly asking many questions and finding some answers. And yet, I still sit outside of the formality of the church setting........high on a ledge with my legs dangling. Is it time to take a plunge? Is it time to expand my spiritual growth to become a member again within a congregation?



One of the awakening insights I had earlier on was that it didn't matter if I knew my faith was unwavering. It didn't matter if I didn't know the words to prayers or the scriptures which I learned as a young adult. The words and the stories would find me in time. No rush, because religion and spirituality is a journey and not a clear destination. I guess that's what spiritual maturity means. Human development is comprised of learning and personal growth.....emotionally, cognitively, physical and spiritually. It never stops. Our inquisitive nature feeds the need to ask, ponder, listen, absorb, wonder and wander. Spiritual maturity has no end. One doesn't receive a diploma when one achieves this milestone because it is infinitely expansive as the heavens. A degree in spiritual maturity doesn't exist even if you read every blessed purpose driven book out there.



It's all in the living..............isn't it? Living and sharing our love?



As much as I would like to continue being the captain of my own learning,of my own pace I do feel a void. I feel the need to sit in a church on a regular basis, to take part in the rituals and the flow of the service again. I need the familiarity of how it was and is and will be. Whether I find this right away or not, I think it's time to take another step out of the wilderness in order to seek out another signpost. Maybe I'll stand up on the ledge and taken a plunge, but make sure I have a harness on just in case?



I believe I'm ready to find the right pew. I wonder if they are ready for me?

the question?

It is not enough for me to ask a question;

I want to know how to answer the one question

that seems to encompass everything I face:

What am I here for?

Abraham Joshua Heschel