Trust-Me Boulevard.

 thin skinned beauty

The other day as I was driving home, I ploughed through a mass of dandelion fluff floating through the air.  Millions of feathery seeds once attached to a stem had  uplifted from the field beside the road and then got caught in a breezy travelling draft only to eventually disperse and settle to begin the cycle again on someone else's lawn.  My car parted through the fluff.  Before I knew it, I was on the other side this dandelion storm heading in the same direction.  Smiling.  It was a very cool experience.

I was reminded of this tiny burst of a moment tonight when I was trying to figure out where I've been and why I haven't been able to settle down enough to write.  I realized that whenever I've tried, I couldn't harness my thoughts.  I couldn't remain attached to the stem of an idea.   I have been emotionally, cognitively, physically uprooted.  Spiritually too. 

At first inward glance, I focused on the negative reasons.  We tend to do that don't we?  As much as I strive to be a "glass half full" person and can encourage someone else to alter their inward glances from the negative to a more productive positive, when I'm at my worst I can't make the switch very well at all.  So, I looked at it from that angle and this is what I saw...........

There have been days when I've felt like a train wreck and I'm so bloody busy trying to keep up with everything I have to do around here!  Exhausted, alone, overwhelmed.  Discarded.  I second guess myself.  I let my confidence sag like milkless breasts.  OOOOOoooooo!  I get all chilled and flushed at the same time even writing about it/thinking about it because the most predominant feelings that stream through me are shame and guilt. Failure. My emotions are so raw and on the surface way too much these days. There are many reasons for this which have left me with a sense of stalled vulnerability.... a heart open too wide and for too long.  This leads to serious brain flooding and over reacting!  And a jumble of questions........ ones that certainly don't have easy answers.

How do you love like you've never been hurt when you've been hurt?  How do you truly forget or let go of past shambles so that it doesn't impact a new relationship?  There has to be a way.  There has to be a different avenue.  I keep seeking.  I want the street I seek to be named Trust-Me Boulevard, but I think it will have a new name.  I just don't know where it is or what it will be called but let me catch a draft heading in that direction. Please! 

What happens if allow your inward glance to lean towards a more positive perspective? This is actually where I am tonight.  For the first time in weeks, I am breathing differently.  I think.  For now anyways.  No doubt I have been scattering my energy in too many different directions.  Scampering and scattering.  Unbalanced.  Seemingly floating in air without the tendrils to keep me grounded.  Caught in a draft.  Seeking and fearfully uncomfortable as I take new risks, form new relationships and TRY to juggle everything else in my life I must focus my attention on.  

However, it may not be such a bad place to be at all.  Challenging!  FOR sure!  Taxing? YES!  Messy?  YOU BET!  But, being in this place of transitional movement is ripe for opportunity.  I'm learning every day.  I'm also getting things done around here.  Maybe not as efficiently as I should or would or could.  But, I am.  New front steps.  Repainted another room.  Decluttering as best as I can.  I've got a load of gravel sitting in my driveway just waiting for someone to shovel and level it!  Any offers?!!  

The garden is blooming.  So are the weeds.  The lawn is lush green and where there were patches of winter kill, it is newly seeded.  The laundry isn't folded. There are cobwebs and dust in the corners of my home.  But my kids are thriving and so am I.  In spurts and starts and stalls and stops.  My love life is a bit of a minefield, but that's to be expected.  I'm learning to trust again.  Tearfully, fearfully, bravely.... in my own wonky way.

I'm also experiencing many many many light bulb awakening moments.  Big stuff!  Big blooming stuff..... like how messed up my boundaries are with the people in my life ...... and how much they have altered.  I'm learning that I have a long way to travel when it comes to trust again...... and I realized tonight that the name of the avenue I am looking for won't be named Trust-Me Boulevard.  Rather, the first street I seek out will be  Trust-IN-Me Place.  This comes with letting myself off the hook by stopping the shame and guilt feelings.  Acknowledging them of course, but then telling them to piss off!

If I'm ever going to be like that dandelion fluff and settle down again to begin a new cycle,  I have to be patient with the journey, and accept the fact that it will never be a straight arrow path.  Air drafts, like the pockets of unexpected life messes take you to destinations you may never have seen before.

Hey God are you around these days??  Will you take a moment to check on me... just for some reassurance.  Please let me learn to be more accepting and less sensitive to judgement.  Let me settle where I land.  Let me bloom there on Trust-In-Me Place.  I just know its where I belong........ it's where I can learn that hard lesson of loving again like Ive never been hurt.  Gotta trust in me first, right God? 

shards and soles.

The soles on her shoes weren't meant to tread on long stretches of terrain littered by sharp pieces of broken dreams. Not that she was supposed to be protected from feeling pain.  She was no pampered princess.  Her life was much much easier than millions of others on this planet, but she still had her life shards to contend with.... to walk on.  With unprotected soles.

She had felt pain.  Absorbed it too. She had felt the pain of many others and allowed it to absorb inside her as well, but for some reason this process didn't streetproof her to emotionally and physically deal with the messiness from her most recent life storm that had shredded her dreams.  

Not today anyways.  Not today.  Wrong shoes.  Broken dreams.

Some days, she wore the right footwear for the hike.  Other days, she wasn't thinking and grabbed the closest ones to the front door.  Even then, she usually could manoeuver the terrain.  This time however, when she got halfway down the road, she realized the bottom of her life weathered feet weren't protected.  Her shins and calves felt the heat of exertion too as the pain of new bruises forming on her soles hurt to take another step.  With no one to guide her through this unchartered area, her confidence sagged right along with her depleting energy. 

Enough shards.  Enough pain.  Go away.

There were times too when she was convinced  her footwear was proper because she had walked the road before.  It had been no problem.  There had been no shards, no broken pieces to detour.  But, there they were!  Broken glass from tumblers that once held champange toasts, chunks of concrete that had buckled up like burnt sugar on the sides of a cake pan, limbs which once held carefree tree swings littered the way.  Potholes and puddles of standing water slicked by oily remnants from dirty dishwater.  

Everywhere she turned, she saw tattered signs from her past littering the sidewalks.  Discarded records, books and trinkets given to her out of love.  Tossed away presents she had carefully chosen and wrapped.... given from love, often with a giddy bow tied around it that giggled....."he's going to love this!"  Wind-up toys laid on their sides, photos soddened by a rainfall of tears floated towards the drain, slipped through the grates, washed away........ Shards of a life shared only to be picked up and thrown into a garbage bag strong enough not to be punctured...thick enough not to bellow out the longstanding humour once shared and seemingly only understood by the two people the stuff matters to.  

My God, we could make each other laugh........ right across a crowded room.  Does he still have that in his life?  I can't imagine. 

The wind always seemed to heckle on the days she wore the wrong shoes.  It mocked her courage while it whistled familiar tunes once so dearly embraced during the spontaneity of a Friday night soft shoe after the kids were in bed.  No more.  At one time, the music melted away any harshness.  It fueled loving tangos.  Now, it mocks as it pierces her sense of failure.  She dances alone to her wedding song as it plays in the wind of a once familiar road now littered in dreams tossed out by the man she once believed in.  She once believed, when she danced with him to an Irish Heartbeat in a beautiful dress that made her feel like she floated on air.  

Their belief in one another lasted for a very long time after that magical day. It didn't matter what shoes she wore.  They walked together, helping each other to step over the sharp life pieces.  

"Oh, won't you stay
Stay a while with your own ones
Don't ever stray
Stray so far from your own ones
For the world is so cold
Don't care nothing for your soul
You share with your own ones..."

Van Morrison, Irish Heartbeat

________________________________

You know, some days are much easier than others.  Today isn't one of them.  This is the day I walked down the aisle in the right shoes towards the right man.  We said our vows.  We promised.  24 years ago today. we looked into eachothers eyes and said "I do."  Surrounded by family who loved and supported us, by friends who believed we were meant for one another, he kissed me on the lips and on the forehead. 

From here on in, I walk barefoot and rely on my inner soul to guide me.

(ps.  this was very cathartic to write.  don't worry about me...... it's all normal feelings and I'm working through them properly.....)

pariah existence........

You could take a warm wet washcloth full of soapy bubbles and scrub your skin until it squeaks.  You could rinse away all of that accumulative dirt and grime, replace the tired clothes threadbare and worn with something clean and pressed. You could comb your hair, brush your teeth.  You could even take the time to put on make-up and tempt your lips with a glossy pink.  You could spray a small spritz of light perfume to linger on your freshened self.  And still, the feelings attached to being a treated like a Pariah seep out of your soul, leaving you feeling deep freeze cold. 

It is a wretched feeling to be cast aside, treated like you're untouchable.  Avoided by people who matter, you can't help but receive the loud message in the reverberating silent energy that hovers in the empty spaces.  

Unlovable.

Rejected

Ugly, ugly, ugly........

Soul Poverty isolation living in a shanty heart.

In no time, the Pariah begins to believe she is unlovable, unwanted.... a disgraced wench, scorned by the bitterness of another human being.

Every thing is left unsaid.

Feelings are left unspoken

An exile of the heart begins to form

Silence pokes holes into the unquiet mind making it weep a high pitched loneliness until it seeks out an inner sanctum where it can hide away from painful sorrow and dejection.  

A Pariah feels like she is seen as an apparition when in fact she is a warm blooded human being who yearns to be recognized as lovable and treated with tender attention. She wants to be touched....touched by the warmth of another human beings fingers..... embraced by another persons arms ..... kissed with tenderness.

Days are long

Nights are open-eyed longer as the need to be held, to be touched grows salty tears of longing. In order to survive, you soon learn to harden up, to build a protective shell, to distrust everyone around you.  

You turn into stone.  

A roughworn scaly grey Pariah stone.  

A stone feels no pain................a stone holds no moist tears.

Those tears have dried up and what you're left with are the remnants of what used to be.

Have you ever felt this way? How did you pull yourself out of this shameful feeling of unloved numbness??

purple raves........

"I've got one nerve left and you're standing on it....."

There is a palpable feeling of stress stinkin' up the air quality. Forced fed by fetid behaviour, fanned by frequent confrontations with the volume turned up on a sound of static.  Its like walking through a mine field with a fatigued mind.  No focus.  Ego driven, like a child past his bedtime.  The whine from the perpetrator persistently hits the nerve.  The one nerve left.  Can you feel the shooting pains?  A pressure cooker steamin' mad irrational whistle can be heard on high..........disrespectfully polluting the air. 

stomp, stomp, stomp....................whine.

obnoxious fumes seep out of the heat register in puffs of toxicity.

They begin to point fingers at the culprit.... the one who knows how to step on the collective nerve centre.   She knows how to, but is she aware she is doing it?  Does she have any idea how her ugly behaviour repulses?  Fingernails on a chalkboard.  Penetrating hot pokes into the centre of their senses. Unlovely actions pushes buttons, boundaries, sensibilities.  She stands on the one nerve and becomes a jumping jack....... trampoline enthusasism irregardless of consequences. 

help,help,help,help, outward cries in unison..........

I'm afraid I will lose my cool and choke her.

i want to choke her.......

can't help myself any longer........... like I've been invaded by a bad child, they admit with a fervour only used when one reaches their wits end.  Flooded by feelings, the wits have turned into tiny squeaky bits of brain fluff.  They have no capacity to think things through anymore.............to choose creative responses.... to pick up and leave or to fight off the boiling point feelings.  Pressure cooker perspiration is about to spill over like gooey oozy lava. 

Feathers and fur fly.  Accusations spew forth with rapid pummelling towards the annoying culprit.  The one who sheds tears now of shock and disbelief.  Shattered by their reaction, unaware of her role in the stinkfest, she cowers.

Why do people act in such a manner that completely irritates with constant poking and prodding?  They arent getting their deep seated needs met?  Will they ever?  Doubt it.  The roots are too deeply embedded, entwined in a pattern too complicated to change.  Caught by inconsistent love hurts throughout their lives.  Assaulted by negativity, rejection, entitlement of others, they have no way of coping besides acting in the ugliest manner possible.  They want to be accepted.  They want healthy doses of empowerment.  They want to feel loved.  Yet, their behaviour screams the opposite.  Angrily, manipulatively, frustratingly.

Perhaps these are the people thrown into our lives, into the mix of our communities who make us stretch beyond our perspectives, our reflections.  Maybe, just maybe they are the folks who teach us the hardest lesson of all.   To love the unlovely.

When we are asked to be patient when we have none left.  When we are expected to share the same space that once used to be filled with springtime air and is now so thick with stressy stink.  When we are asked to carry on like there isn't a monster amongst us, how do we cope besides running away and never returning?   What do we do?

The only thing left to do is to look beyond the ugly behaviour and try to see the wounds on a fellow human being.  The only thing left to do is to love the unlovely.   Is there anything more difficult to do than that?

Group dynamics?  Forming, Storming, Reforming, Norming, Performing.   These are the stages of development. This was a week of being in the eye of the storm............ Hurricane season is upon us.  We can ride it out......

roots

If our roots aren't dipped in empathy, how does one acquire it?  If we have only experienced insufferable emotional blows as we grow from our roots, and never have had the experience of empathy immersion, how do we know what it feels like to be bathed in compassion?  If our soul has been pummeled by angry fists and hoofed by steel-toed boots, how do we learn to love ourselves?

We only learn survival behaviour.  Nasty retorts, cowering fear, rage fueled outbursts, or complete emotional shut down numbness..... all for self protection.  No win-win here.  Just a series of serious stumbling over bad decisions, poor choices, ineffective means of connecting.   Still there is a deep hunger to be loved.

Lose-Lose equals  Lonely-Lonely

There's a spiraling effect, which turns into a self fulfilling prophecy.  Believe you're unloved, you will act like you're unloved.  Believe you deserve to be treated poorly, you will act like you don't give a damn about yourself or others.  Sometimes, if you believe you're owed a better life because of all that you've endured, you demand it in a way that stomps on others.  Entitlement overkill.  This perpetual unlovely behaviour squeezes any semblance of empathy right out of touch. It distorts clear minded thinking.  It spoils the sweet aroma of sensitivity and compassion.  It twists logic until it chokes on bile.

If there is a continuous taste of bile and a stomach churning up angry acid, how can you feel empathy?  You can't.  The pain is too red raw........... there is no lining left..... no protective tissues to console.

Is there any way to feed those  roots....the same ones that have been neglected since childhood? Sometimes, it's impossible.  Damage is so deeply embedded that it seems to chemically alter the brain somehow.  Though I am no scientist, I have met my fair share of people who are either born with the inability to feel empathy for others, or whose reslience has been worn down, forced by a life of abuse.  The capacity to dig into the soulpocket where empathy dwells just isn't there. Maybe the learning issue is more than making a choice to look through the eyes of another.  Maybe there is a physical manifestation of psychological damage?  Maybe the roots are dangerously tainted by psychopathology.

Sometimes it IS possible to help someone by feeding their roots.  How?

By choosing to love the unlovely.  

By allowing them to listen to the stories of the people they may have negatively impacted.

By allowing them to tell their story.

By encouraging and encouraging their willingness to change.... to reform, transform, stand on a new platform....... 

By accepting vulnerability as a state of mind worthy of our trust in learning and growth.

By mentoring through actions and guiding....... role modellng the softening melt that happens when forgiveness is the goal.

By recognizing that every single human being is made from the same fabric, the same ingredients.

By wrapping our faith around the belief that we are all players within the Body of Christ. 

It's a lot of work........a lot of effort.  Our natural inclination is to stay within our own belief system... our own way of seeing the world and how it impacts us.  If only we can step out and look through a different lens.  

It's a Grace of God go I thing.........even if you believe there is no hope in empathy transformation. 

ps.... this theory is in the process of being tested.........and continues this week.  

fallen angel

fallen angel's wings

Didn't mean to disappoint you.
I could see it in your eyes.
Seems as though my appearance
came as a sad surprise.
It was the last thing I intended.
I had hoped for so much more
our ethereal connections
kept those promises in store

Instead those wanting expectations
openly expressed
were left in discarded tatters
no reasons were confessed.

These wings are dipped in ashes,
My heart's brimming in shame
this broken angel's fallen
her appearance is to blame....

Every time you were all alone
Discomfort spoke to me
Loud waves of noisy silence
Choking air of possibility
Still I prayed I was misreading
intuitive warnings all around
Averted eyes tell no lies
when they're focused on the ground.

These wings are dipped in ashes,
My heart's brimming in shame
this broken angel's fallen
unable to spark the flame.......


This week's Sunday Scribblings word prompt is shame. It is such a powerfully debilitating feeling....the one that makes lonely feel like a walk in the park. Toxic, physically riveting, shame employs thoughts and actions in a way no other feeling comes close to. What is the opposite of shame? hmmmm.....

Shame is grace turned inside out. Can you ever experience grace when shame hits home?

My first thought when I saw this prompt was a vision of a fallen angel..... one who was given the opportunity to connect on a deep level with someone she believed she was destined to meet. But, when it happened, she quickly realized that her appearance didn't bring the comfort and joy she had hoped for, even expected. Consequently she felt like she had failed in her quest. She was left feeling ugly and discarded. Fallen, shame filled her ethereal soul.

Assault captured on video.....

Sometimes I wonder if my friend Charles the crazy man blogger has 5 identical clones gallavanting around this town documenting everything from sunsets to festivals, from corruption to brutality. He is everywhere, capturing the unfolding life stories and events and posting them on his blog, often before the mainstream media has had a chance to get out of bed!
As you may recall, I recently wrote a piece about Charles Leblanc and his trip to the courthouse to after a spring incident when he was arrested for walking on the hallowed grounds of the legislature during a local protest to save winter access to MacTaquac Park. Charles' trip to court that day resulted in finding out he wasn't even on the docket despite being informed that he was to show up on that date. Since then, the ridiculous charges have been quietly dropped. And throughout it all, he continued to do what he does best...... documenting the events of this city. He NEVER goes anywhere without his trust camera.

Yesterday on the local news, we learned of a young man, a Canadian soldier named Luc Begin, was out celebrating his recent engagement to his girlfriend at a local night spot. He has filed a complaint over how he was mistreated. Mistaken for someone else who had been in that bar a couple of weeks ago, the Fredericton police force went into action to arrest him. Charles just happened to be there and captured the whole viciously brutal scene on video. He was left bruised and battered and was thrown in jail and not taken to the hospital even after he blacked out from the beating. Charles' efforts will be prime evidence in Monsieur Begin's case. It is highly unlikely this altercation has no chance of being covered up.

Here is a link to his blog and the video...........

As of this moment, the story remains at the local Maritime level. I predict it will be picked up nationally by the end of the day.......... that's if anyone's paying attention. And rightly so. We all need to witness the treatment of another human being, a soldier no less, at the hands of our "finest."

Charles? You have helped this man more than you know. Thank God you're out there. Just stay safe will you and stay out of the alleyways??

regrets, i've had a few

sorrow weeps winter's blue light mourning

it's inner siren

strangles hopes with tangled tears

and

blankets dreams of youthful temptations

everlasting regrets awaken empty half breaths

it's quickened tempo

surges awareness with heated panic

and

sparks impulses resonating shameful memories.

refresh

refresh

relive

panic

relive

repress

repress

deny

refresh

refresh

awaken

relive

panic

admit

admit it

weep

weep

own it

own it

grieve

grieve

refresh

face it

own it

grieve

weep

learn

learn

learn

forgive

forgive

love

love

and dream again.

never let regret win

This week's Sunday Scribbling's prompt is regrets. We've all got a few. For more interesting perspectives, check out this site. You won't regret it.

needs and releases

Our behaviour is our best attempt at the given time to fulfill one of 5 basic needs....survival, love and belonging, empowerment/control, freedom and/or fun.

What impacts our behaviour is how we think and how we feel.........about ourselves, about others in our lives, about the situation we find ourselves in, about what life has served up.

Past experiences trigger reactions

Past experiences thrust us into the familiar dance steps

Past experiences shroud us from new perspectives, from a new way of seeing.

Old wounds refreshed and uncared for seep into the present and are revealed in the kind of decisions we make

Life can leave us with two scraped knees and a dislocated soul can't it? It's safer to stay under the covers sound asleep or numbed by vices, disconnected to the rest of the world. Thats the choice.........to remain asleep and safe or to be self-medicated or to be wide awake and vulnerably out there giving it our best....

Action never happens without a thread to thought or feelings. Even if you're the Prime Minister. Even if you're an elected official sitting in opposition vying for the leadership ring. Accumulated unreflected experiences leave their mark on the manner with which one leads their life. Knowing this, and knowing that these men seem to be quite intelligent, why are they so unaware of the ramifications of their actions on others and on their own lives?

When someone gets into a shoving match with their own psyche, can any bystander stop the insanity? We seem to have elected a bunch of very wounded needy people intent on fulfilling their own needs instead of rising to the occasion and recognizing that their behaviour is impacting a whole nation.

Oh, great. Oh, Canada.

Can someone up in Ottawa please give these boys a mirror to look at? A whole lot of reflection is needed............and some psychotherapy to help them see their wrinkled, beard stubbled faces are those of ADULTS??

the golden arc de triomphe

Once upon a time in the land of backyard rinks, vast wildernesses, pesky mosquitoes, testosterone expressive high sticking, and grizzlies who wrestle beavers live a bunch of boy politicians in search of a pissing contest. Representing four different parties, Leaderless, Rudderless, Unityless and Humourless, and all with seeming different agendas, these boypos (short for short boy politicians) were constantly vying for attention and thirsty for power despite the fact that they had just competed in a National election a little over a month ago. The bladders of the land were emptied out.

Many believed the election wasn't needed because it had been less than two years since the last one and things seemed to be well in hand despite it being a minority government. "Why waste the money? Why pollute the airwaves with doublespeak gooble-dee-gook?" However the leader of the Humourless party who was also the Prime Minister of the land, known for his teeny tiny humility and a hidden agenda which frightened the people of the great white north, was determined to win a majority. Given that the economy was about to tank, and that the country folk were busy Bar BQ ing roadkill on skewers (the national food) dipped in maple syrup.....too busy having their summer fun to pay attention, Humourless used the opportunity and threw down the gauntlet. The 30 million dollar pissing contest began and ended all within 6 weeks. Unfortunately, he fell a few feet short of the target. The land continued to linger in minority limbo as the economy began to make it's predictable spiral downward.



As in any election, there were remnants left on the side of the road. The Leader of the Leaderless party, whose battlecry throughout the election was "I love my country......!!" which was stolen from the sidetalkin' little guy from Shawinigan who ruled the land before Humourless PM, was cast aside very quickly in the aftermath. It was the WORST defeat in the history of the Leaderless Party. So, before people could close up their cottages for a winter's sleep, the Leaderless party members began their own internal pissing contest to pick their next boy politician contestant. Many old standards who had shown their wares before decided not to run, which left three keeners to wrestle for the golden arc de triomphe crown.....Bob, Mike and Dominic.

The Rudderless party, who never makes any inroads in any federal election somehow managed to win enough seats to douse the simmering grumbles of the caucus in order for their jackrussell laytonterrier.......the hyper leader to continue representing them in scrums across the vast wilderness. And Unityless? Well, their focus has always and will remain on Quebec separating from the rest of the great white north in order to save their culture from being swallowed up by the cowboys on the western frontier. Despite this narrow focus, Unityless came out of the election with enough urine to stay in the game and make a difference with respect to the balance of power.


As autumn's leaves fell and November's breath let off a steam when it touched the cold air, it appeared that this new Minority government would settle into the silly season of bantering through question period. It was supposed to be time for rehydration. Alas, it was not going to be the case. Humourless and his henchmen scanned the land like a game of Stratego and saw the opposition sitting back drinking their favourite beer (how a Canadian rehydrates) while discussing their own internal planning and postering. Perfect timing for bully tactics to play out.



Hmmmmmm.......thought the reigning party........"lets pull out our hidden agenda of cuts and slashes to programs and incorporate it in the national budget. What can they do to us? We'll attack the economic woes unlike the REST OF THE WORLD by NOT stimulating the economy through spending in key areas. Instead, we'll tighten the belt of the coffers, so we can say we managed to maintain a surplus. Hey, that'll work.....there will be no stinky socialist dirt on our fingers. WE are fiscally tight assed responsible. The whole wide world may be doing one thing, but we are power pissers, we can outspray any challengers. OH, and while we're at it, lets cut public funding to political parties. That'll hit them in their kissers!"


WELL! The three other parties........Leaderless, Rudderless and Unityless got wind of the new budget and cried FOUL! Humourless is trying to TOXIFY the land with his ridiculous bravado! OUTRAGEOUS! NON Monsieur! They cried in unison as they leaped off their lazyboys, beer can in hand, and headed to a hidden boardroom located in the bowels of Ottawa. Every now and then, one of them would be allowed out to be interviewed over the airwaves, but throughout the weekend, the chatter and planning continued........It was time to BEAT Mr. Humourless at his own game. It was time to form a pissing coalition.......... to outaim, outspray, outlast the urine soaked.

All weekend long, they postulated and permutated, and practised their aim while the rest of the country went about their lives attending Christmas bazaars and parades oblivious to the kerfuffle in Ottawa. Sick of their elected members bullying and threats of relieving themselves in public, the people of the land ignored the silly threats and chest pounding antics.

Until today............. when they announced a coalition...two national parties and one separatiste party have reached an agreement to take down the governing party in a non confidence vote......Quoi??


So, as the national stock exchange posted their worst day since 1987, as the dollar continued to lose strength, as the auto industry collapses, the manufacturing sector continues to pack up for parts in the Far East..........as people receive their lay off notices or are confronted with an unplanned early retirement.......as folks who have invested their savings as a means of accumulating money to live out their retirement years see it dwindled away.....as the country south of the border who has just admitted that their recession began a year ago with no end in sight BUT has a leader who is ready to take charge of change and INVEST in his own country as a way to help out their own economy....... Canada is stuck with a bunch of little boys intent on crossing swords in battle. The timing on this couldn't be worse.

And who is going to win this most recent pissing contest? Monsieur Leaderless who had been left on the side of the road a little over a month ago. He's been chosen to give it his BEST aim! From beaten up has been to Prime Minister in one season. At least we are getting rid of the bully.............let him lick the fork stuck in that humble pie. What a pompous, pompous Humourless ASS.

Stay tuned....................eh..... this is going to take a truckload of Moosehead before it's over.

what a mess...........

We expect instant gratification, unrivalled perfection and complete satisfaction. Our lives are driven by quick decisions, fast moving information, and overnight resolutions. We demand an answer, an opinion, a judgement NOW. We live on the edge of defence where trust in authority and government is non existant.

And yet, we are reliant on technology, theoretical monetary mountains we buy and sell, and all the creature comforts we take for granted. We are an impulsive, obsessive, demanding, unsatisfied, ungrateful bunch of yahoos whose needs continue to escalate as we buy more material goods to tuck into our nests. If anyone gets in our way, we create a war, or rage out on the highway, or leave others in the wake. Why not? Others will clean up the mess. It's their fault anyways. It's never our fault. Oh, and we're way too busy to vote. What's the point really........voting I mean? They are all a bunch of crooks.

We eat too much, drink too much, talk too much, consume too much and yearn for too much. We own a closet full of shoes and yet we need another pair......and another and another. Our Pavlovian response to the gazillion dollar marketing which saturates our lives everywhere we turn is appalling. We have bought into the world of consumerism, commercialism, materialism, MORE-ism. And when we feel overwhelmed, undervalued and sad, we call on God to bail us out. "Hey God?" we bark out. "We need you. Please fix this situation we find ourselves in."

How spoiled bratish is that? Irresponsible, irrational little children who are making a big huge mess on our planet with the economy, the environment, the emotional balance of the collective, that's what we are......... So determined we are to put the whole fix up on God. As the messes continue to pile up, both inside and outside of our homes, both inside and outside of ourselves...........we get really testy with God and threaten him that are beliefs will disappear ....

"Hey God, where the heck are you? If you love me you'd be there right NOW when I need you and if you don't show your presence than I won't believe in you anymore. Got that, God? I demand that you show me you're there or I'll, I'll.............I'll runaway from you God....you won't be able to find me then. How would you like that? And I'll tell all my friends when I see them shopping next that you didn't fix things........"

We are nuts. We blame and shame instead of taking some ownership and responsibility start making some much needed changes. We love that fact that we have been given free will and the ability to think, to choose, to analyze, to reflect, to love and forgive, to savour and to reject but we avoid these gifts like the black plague because we'd have to take the lead on healing. Oh, and one other thing? We believe we have absolutely no control over what happens around us, so our white flag surrendering is a totally acceptable way of being for anything that happens. great. So, who has the big broom to sweep up the mess???

Tonight the stock markets are in a landslide. The economy of the most financially important country in the world has been temporarily (hopefully) annihilated by a greedy unruly juvenile government hellbent on continuing to flexing their muscles. The domino effect has begun. It may have started with the upper echelon where salaries and lifestyles are beyond the comprehension of 99% of world's population........this 1% think they are untouchable. Soon, it will be felt in the service industry, the manufacturing sectors, and all best supporting businesses. Money to help other people in other countries in need will dry up like a drought. It's a mess and the two last standing contenders who are fighting tooth and nail for the biggest office in the land of the free seem to be flailing their waffles while stumbling over their discomfort while the rest of the planet wonders how much this whole mess will impact their economies.

Canada has always been the little mouse living beside the sleeping elephant..........and it turns out that the elephant has woken up snarky and is having a very tough time finding its footing. Not good for little mousey underfoot. Our economy is showing some slight wounds because of the recession which is financially eroding the lives of real people living above their credit means south of the border sending thousands and thousands into financial bankruptcy....... No doubt in my mind that this country will follow suit. Our surplus is gone........you know the one Paul Martin created while financial minister.?

Our illustrious Prime Minister Harper meanwhile is completely downplaying the ramifications of the bailout on the buyout in the U.S. of A. He's simply focused on the task at hand.......winning the pending election.......God willing of course.

I'm all for messy living. But this is beyond the pale. Who should we turn to?? Personally, I'm putting my support behind the skills and talents of Denny Crane. Why not? It's his last season. Maybe he can work a solution into the scripts and pull a few others to fight the good fight. Sam Seaborn perhaps?

Lambeth discourse.

While feasting on abundance,

they banter and bray in serious postering tones

of the evils of gay marriage,

of the mind altering idea of ordaining women,

of the horrors of sexuality,

• More than 30 per cent of children in developing countries – about 600 million – live on less than US $1 a day.
• Every 3.6 seconds one person dies of starvation. Usually it is a child under the age of 5.
• Around 270 million children, just over 14 per cent of all children in developing countries, have no access to health care services.
• Some 13 per cent of children ages 7 to 18 years in developing countries have never attended school. This rate is 32 per cent among girls in sub-Saharan Africa (27 per cent of boys) and 33 per cent of rural children in the Middle East and North Africa.
• Over 1 billion people—1 in 6 people around the world—live in extreme poverty, defined as living on less than $1 a day.
• More than 800 million go hungry each day.

The earth continues to spin on an axis of hunger, poverty, violence...... while the dudes in robes, who study the Good Word focus on what they think matters. There are some who spend their days talking the talk, and others who spend their days walking their talk. Actions speak louder than shallow prayers and misguided hymns. Prioritizing and putting human beings first doesn't seem to be a prerequisite in the minds of the Lambeth delegates.

Is there something wrong with this picture. I am so tired of academically enhanced discourse which continues to overwhelm the realities we should be focusing on. Ivory tower philosophies don't feed the hungry, don't vaccinate the children, don't provide blankets to the homeless. Hell, ivory tower talking doesnt help to soothe the weeping of the forgotten. Effective guidance and leadership works within the Body of Christ where we all dwell equally. Effective leadership is harboured within messiness of living.

Can we just get someone in the lead to make a decision and move on to deal with the more important, life and death crises than whether or not two guys can marry? Let them marry for goodness sake.......throw the confetti, turn on the macerana, have a party in the church hall. And when the hangover of a good celebration goes away..........get out there and ACT.

i know you are, but what am i?

Religion, politics and outside criticism about your own family....... topics which should always come with a warning label when pulling them out of the ashes of decorum. It blows my mind how someone can passionately describe their opinions with one side of their brain while using the other side to slam the receiver's beliefs.

This is the case in political discourse. We see and hear it all the time. Where is the respect? Why have we allowed editorials, media coverage, and talking heads brandish such mean reporting? Why do we get a rise out of hearing such vicious attacks on other people, particularly the ones who are doing their best to make a difference in the world by stepping out from of the rest of us passive couch sitting fray? Has it always been nasty? It's been nasty for a while I realize, but has it always been that way?

And how has this impacted the discourse we have with one another over these topics? Is there a feeling that it's just fine thank you very much to belch out your own opinion in a manner which can only be best described as a total disregard for the feelings of others, even your friends? Has the media and the way of reporting...............has the dialogue heard on TV shows and in movies impacted the value of being polite?

We all have a bully in us. WE all know how to fight dirty. We all know that there are certain topics we need to be careful when discussing them with the people in our lives. We can be rude it we want to and even pretend that we didn't mean it.


oooops..............i wasn't thinking............


I don't buy it.......... and I can't tolerate it. It makes me angry and defensive. When I hear this or read this, especially if it somehow touches me personally, I have a tough time shaking it off because I try to be accomodating of others. If my feelings and beliefs are not accomodated the same way, it riles me and I will walk away.


I love a good debate........... what i don't love is when it gets personal and dirty. Personalized mudslinging to me is the dumbing down of debate.......it is an easy push at another person's buttons. It's a complete turn off to me. Give me a well written article on an issue I may even have a completely different perspective on, and I will read it with respect........and who knows, may even change my thinking. But, give me an article that just slams the opposite opinion with big swipes of personal badmouthing and you've lost me.

There's so much rudeness and meanness in this world. We don't need to fuel this fire. Instead, we need to move out from under that EGO umbrella and into a place where essence and spirit rein.

Either that, or we need to keep some of our opinions to ourselves.



Or, I have to develop a thicker skin.........

integrity

I can now see again.

I had no idea how blurry things had become.

things are clear as mud now.

funny, my eyes look brown tonight.

"Three things are necessary for the salvation of man: to know what he ought to believe; to know what he ought to desire; and to know what he ought to do." Saint Thomas Aquinas.

Would it be presumptuous of me to add a wee bit to Aquinas' thoughts? I mean he is a Saint and everything and I'm far from that. Given this is my speaker's corner, I will conclude that it's a moot question because I have already made up my mind. I'm adding.........

"Ought to" doesn't cut it for me. It simply can't stop at "ought to." Putting our beliefs, desires and knowledge into action is necessary for the salvation of man. What is awareness without action? It's just a bunch of talking clouds floating off on their own. William Glasser would say it is a "Darn good start," but one doesn't affect change, and possibly change for the better if one doesn't apply the goods. Going from the abstract of ideas based on beliefs, desires and knowledge to the concrete application is where integrity formulates.

Put your money where you mouth is? Isn't that the saying? If you're going to talk the talk..........start walking the walk. This shows integrity.

DO something!

Integrity is the stuff of action. It is found in someone who doesn't compromise their beliefs, who recognizes and respects others beliefs, who makes decisions and acts upon them, who is trustworthy and honest, who can be relied upon. A person with integrity cares about doing the right thing even when no one is watching because it is a constant underlying foundation to the person's way of being and seeing the world around them. A person with integrity doesn't dwell in a place of fear, where decisions are second guessed, where retentive constipation swells the brain turning it into a wasteland. Far from it!

Integrity is the stuff of effective leaders who guide by action and interaction. Always aware of the importance of the people they are leading or managing, he or she is not afraid to stand up on principle. Even if a decision is unpopular, one is made based on weighing all information, factors and on how it will impact others. There's no waffling and ruminating because of that second guessing virus. An effective leader is looking broadly at the people he or she is leading rather than wondering how to please the boss, or how to cover one's ass, or how to keep one's fingers clean.

Truth, reliability, care, compassion, candidness.......concern for humanity where everyone is considered equal, these traits, all found under the integrity umbrella are what is necessary for the salvation of man. Not just identifying and discussing them...........showing the behaviour that displays these intentions. A person with integrity is comfortable in their own skin, thereby able to accept that they make mistakes because we are all just human beings.

Though it is a well known quality, one that we all believe is the cornerstone of humanity, it seems to be an endangered one, or at least it feels that way where I'm sitting this week.

Here's a hypothetical situation for you.......a single mom with four kids living in public housing. The plumbing pipes in her basement back up for some reason and spew sewage an inch and a half thick onto the basement floor ruining everything it touches including 4 loads of unwashed laundry. She has to call for help.......and while she waits and waits and waits........her home stinking of shit, her children humiliated in front of the neighbours.......while she waits for the person who could've made a split second decision to send a cleaning company over, she arranges for a pick up truck and a shovel to begin cleaning it herself.

While she's cleaning up this waste, the people who could make a decision to help her continue to waffle on what to do. The powers that be after a day and a half finally decide that it isn't their problem. It is the single mom's problem and it will be up to her to deal with it on her own, knowing she has no spare money to use for a cleaning company. She then calls YOU to help her, to advocate for her...................what would YOU do, given that you have no authority to fix the situation and your dealing with people completely void of integrity? Since I'm already considered a shit disturber, you can guess how I would have handled it. :)

Thank God it is only a hypothetical situation. Heaven forbid that anyone would allow someone and her kids to live in a toxic wasteland for two days and not help them.

understanding venus....trying....

It's a known fact that a woman's worst enemy can be another woman for no other reason than some sense of threat. It's a weird and wacky conundrum, one that seems to rear it's ugly head on a daily basis. When you consider the ongoing strides made even in recent history to reach a point where equality may one day be attained on all fronts, you would think that women would've learned to be supportive of one another. And yet.......

Yesterday, a young woman in my office who has been juggling two full time jobs to stay afloat and to pay her bills was offered a new permanent job with benefits and a future. She was beyond excited as we all were for her. It has been a long haul and she deserves it and more. With no family for support, this means the world to her. And yet..... when she called her supervisor (a woman who has done nothing but put up nasty roadblocks for her over the past year......BECAUSE SHE COULD and nothing could be done about it because my co-worker was in a casual position and had no "hand" in the situation....thank you George Costanza for the term) all she received was hums and sighs and catty replies. This is SO common.

Last week, I was informed of a situation which occured over MSN between a few friends of my daughter......all girls...... being nasty and ganging up on another in their supposedly closeknit group. Though there wasn't MSN when I was 13, I do recall the nasties loud and clear. It's girl bullying, and it continues with adults in the boardrooms, on the sidelines at a ballgame, in the schoolrooms, in church meetings, at committee meetings.......just about anywhere.

Time and again, I see the actions of women who are just plain rude to other women. I remember not too long ago sitting beside a male friend chatting with him. We were sitting at a table that was half empty enjoying the conversation with others. Along comes voluptuous vixen in a push up bra and poofy blonde hair (from a bottle) who grabs a chair and somehow slides it in between me and my friend and promptly sits down with her back to me. So, what did I do? What did I want to do?

Today, I had a conversation with another colleague.....her question to me....out of the blue....was, how do some women move up in the ranks while others more qualified stew in under the ranks and never move in their careers? Million dollar question, really though sometimes its pretty darn obvious, at least to someone else standing on the sidelines observing. They use the tools they were taught to use, and some are able to samba their way better than others.

I'm totally fine with that...........use whatever you want, but don't stomp on other women in the process. Where I completely turn off is when this happens and it happens way too much. I don't really know why, but i have a few theories as to why some women have this way of completely turning off all other women.

Territorial.......... it's in our ancestral genes, and it can manifest itself in many ways. Come to close to my world, watch out for the claws is one end of the continuum. The other end? The territory is open and relaxed and welcoming. Most of us are some where in the middle. If my "territory"........be it my circle of friends, my family, my husband is somehow targetted you better believe my antennae is up and alert. If I see another woman brazenly and rudely interfering with any of these people in my life, I wont stand idly by. AND I will point out the behaviour afterwards to the intended target.....cause sometimes? It's mesmerizing!!

Temperment......and this one doesn't seem to be solely found in women, well neither is the territorial one, but there is a mamma cat and kittens feel to the territorial reaction. Someone who is introverted by nature meets up with an extrovert and there's a feeling of disconnect while one sniffs out the other. These are two very distinct planets sometimes and it can be difficult finding your way. Though I think if we took a step away from our own labelled temperment, we would see we have both in us. It's just that they are revealed in different scenarios.

Values.......aka.........stay at home moms versus career moms. A field of landmines this one because it is a longstanding discourse on justification of existance peppered with religious beliefs, socio-economics, role identification and clarification, marital support, familial history and last but not least what's best for the children. When there's a clash of the momma titans on this one, just get out of the way, because it's a no win eternal tug of war. If you want to hurt someone badly, start criticizing the way they are as parents. The thing about women who bully, it is never done directly. Rather it's a slight here, a dismissal there...........and dig underneath. It's all quite passive aggressive. Where is the respect?

Kids vs. no kids............see above........

Mistrust of other women...........a lesson somehow gleaned from others........perhaps even from past experiences.

Confidence: In the long run, it really comes down to confidence doesn't it? I mean, if you're confident about the choices you have made and the opinions and values you have chosen to have as your foundation to make the choices than you're comfortable with yourself. It's as easy as that. But, if you're struggling with your self-esteem to a point where you're protecting yourself from not being friendly to others, you are going to act like all wounded people act......in an obnoxious rude manner.

Women who are obnoxious...........who flirt and ignore others around, who use their sexuality especially in a coquettish teasing manner, like they are unaware that they are even doing so, who think of themselves above and beyond the other female minions may think they are invisible to the rest of their venus sex. I've got news for them. They glow in the dark.............a bright neon pink....... and will live their lives with very few female friends.

how sad..................because a life without girlfriends is an empty one.

ps. can someone out there in blogland please help me. i can't seem to arrange my posts with spaces between the paragraphs. I set it up and then click on publish and it all squishes together. it looks awful........and it makes it difficult to read. AND it's driving my aesthetic eye crazy. please and thanks....if you can tell me what i'm doing wrong.