delight

Spring, the season of delight begins with discoveries so enchanting it lifts spirits out of cocoons and offers the gift of wings. 

Softly coloured lightness, delight touches hearts with whisper breezes that tickle like pink feather boas wrapped with spontaneous glee.  

With crocus determination, it turns trouble into carefree bubbles on a blue sky canvas freeing our hope once overshadowed by heavy linen. 

Delight pleases the senses, sending rippling goose bumps up our barefooted limbs until it reaches our lips leaving wide smiles.  Wide eyed smiles.

Delight is....

Daffodil giggles ruffling in tall grass.

Pleasing music strummed by revelation.

Shared laughter of little girls skipping on the street.

Mirth that decorate spiritwings with iridescent flutter finery

Melting chocolate surprises on awakening taste buds

Chickie peeps celebrating their feathery birth.

Delight is......

the dawning of wonder.  

the first note of renewal.

the awakening of love

the yeast rising in joy

the emerging tip of grace

that leads to a wondrous sense of gratitude....... 

Skip

  "Whatever the intellectual quality of the education given our children, it is vital that it include elements of love and compassion, for nothing guarantees that knowledge alone will be truly useful to human beings. Among the major troublemakers society has known, many were well-educated and had great knowledge, but they lacked a moral education in qualities such as compassion, wisdom and clarity of vision."Dalai Lama.

 Besides my parents, there is one person in this whole world who had as much impact on the development of my values and on the choices I made as an adult.  His name is Skip.  Well, his real name is Bruce, but I've never been able to call him that. It would be too uncomfortable!  He's Skip.  Always and forever.  Just like I am Muskie always and forever. 

I'm not alone.  I daresay there are quite a few people out there in "summer camp land" who wouldn't hesitate if they were asked to identify the person who impacted them the most when they were growing up besides family members.  The first name to come to mind for many is Skip. After they declared that, out would tumble a whole canoe full of stories that revolve around a place that remains sacred in our hearts and memories. Alive and well these stories are!  All you have to do is tickle a Kawabi kindred just the chin and BING!  Out shines a story about Skip.  

Some of them would begin by focusing on that sense of childhood fear of this man who generated an untouchable admiration and desire to please in many!  Two thumbs up from Skip and your feet didn't touch the ground.  However, the underbelly of this are the stories of when at age 13 you got caught in the middle of the night performing crazy antics when you were supposed to be sound asleep in your own bunkbed!  I get shivers just remembering how it felt when 12 of us campers who had reunited after a long winter of wishing for camp again, were in the middle of taking photos of all of us on one bed........ with every single flashlight on and a loud cacophony of laughter peeling through the tent walls!  

Through the sound of 12 girls humming like a crowd at a bottom of the ninth world series game 7 with the score tied and the heavy hitter up to bat...... a seriously sharp baritone would cut the air and slice through the loud din! Silence ensued immediately.  For out in the dark on the path you had to take to get back to your own tent was a man who walked those same paths without a flashlight EVER in glow in the dark white tennis shoes.  That's all you could see!  The shoes!  It was probably best not to see the stern brow on his face.  You knew it was there anyways.  

I've never even attempted to write a piece on this blog about Skip because I find it daunting.  Not that I don't want to..... its just that so many conversations, activities, campfires, games, and interactions come to mind all at once.   What underlies all of the stories I share with him are the values he lived and taught daily.  Compassion, love and belonging were expressed through his actions.  Like tasty sweets, they were shared with everyone who had the bloody luck to be under his wing for even one summer.  Me?  I had 12 joyful summers.  

As a camper, I found my sense of belonging and a mentor who cared deeply for every single kid that got off that bus on the first day of camp.  It was his goal always to know the names of every one of us by dinner that first day.  It was his expectation of his whole staff too.  If he was stumped............ he bought you a bag of "tuck."   

Skip led us in song, taught us new games that opened up the whole camp property into a place of adventure.  He handpicked his staff and gave them his blessing and complete trust to lead their little packs of campers through a memorable time learning how to swim, how to sail......... how to canoe....... how to shoot an arrow..... how to sing a round of Fire's burning....... how to make new friends and work as a group. 

On the first night of my second year on staff, Skip wanted to talk to me.  He had brought along the two female senior staff with him, so I knew right away it was serious.  Much to my genuine surprise, he wanted to talk to me about my contribution as an Assistant Counsellor the summer before.  Not that I had screwed up completely........ With an assertiveness but also with compassion, he told me that he was disappointed in me as he had expected more from me.  He saw me as a more proactive leader than what I was showing. 

I was pretty stunned by the whole encounter and couldn't understand why he had to have these two staffers with him.  Until he explained that he wanted them to take me under their wing.  He wanted to make sure I had the best guidance that summer so I would be ready to take on the role of Counsellor the following year.  He wanted me to succeed as the Leader he believed I could be.

Needless to say, I worked my ass off that summer.  If Skip thought I had it in me, and he wanted to see it shine, well dammit I was going to prove to him he was right!  Though my confidence took an initial knocking, by the end of the summer I was 16 years old, I felt an even greater sense of belonging and a good feeling that I too had left an impression on the lives of my "campers."  

One of the most important aspects of that "SKIP TALK" night was how it opened up our relationship to a place where he and I could talk more about so many other topics.  True, there was still a sense of reverence one has for their mentor, but there was also an levelling of our interactions.  Adult to adult.  He put his trust me.  I put my trust in him.  He gave me responsibilities and guidance, and I fulfilled them as I tapped into my gifts.  We learned the human side of one another.  We worked together.  I thrived being on his "team."

A couple of years later, Skip approached me one evening during pre-camp.  He asked me if I would join him in talking to an Assistant Counsellor who needed some guidance.  All of a sudden the big staff girl shoes were on my feet.  It was my turn. I was the one who would follow through with this staff person and help her process the message from Skip, but also be by her side that summer.  It certainly surprised me, but I was honoured to play this role.  Passing on the values.......... passing on the compassion, love and belonging.  Developing trust.  Developing deeper interactions with one another by sharing.  Growing in leaps.  

Along the way, this staffer and I became lifelong friends. :)  Oh, and let me add too that one of the big girl staffers who was with me the night I got my talking to?  She's very much in my life still....... We all may live in different provinces, but we are in touch almost weekly.  Thank you facebook! :)

Years later, after many accumulative moments of shared feelings........ I returned to camp for a 40th anniversary reunion.  It had been 15 years since I had walked up the camp road towards the Lodge.  This time, I was accompanied by my own family.  For the first time, I was introducing them to my home away from home.  A place they had heard so much about had finally become the real thing........ the sweet scent of pine needles scattered on the soft ground in the woods, the tall trees that allowed only slivers of sunlight to pierce through, the sounds of laughter, boat motors, water play........ the cool breezes.... it was all there as we got out of the car and walked up towards the buzzing of the people there for the same purpose as I was.  To relive, reunite, rekindle, relight once again.   

As we ambled up to the top of the small hill on the road, I saw in the distance this man whose blonde hair had a little more grey in it, wearing a golf shirt, shorts and those glow in the dark tennis shoes.  He stood there waiting to greet us and I realized that I hadn't seen him since the night of my wedding reception where we danced together, Muskie and Skip.... mentee and mentor.  It took every single muscle in my body not to go right into a sprint towards him.  It felt like I had just completed the Amazing Race and he was standing by the finish line!  

I held my composure right up until I stood in front of him.  His arms went right around me like a big bear as I proclaimed..... "I'm home!"  

"Good to see you again Muskie..."

Tears? Oh yeah!  Both of us....   Then Skip turned his focus on my daughter whom he had never met in person before.  

"You must be Martha.  Welcome to Camp Kawabi.  I hope you will call it home too just like your Mom does because you belong here too." 

window of wonder

“A blessing is a red light that stops you, says ‘No, don’t do it yet, take time, have another look.’ It allows presence to become clear. For our rhythm to be restored, we need some kind of stillness, and a blessing offers this chance, a window of wonder on to what is happening.” John O'Donohue.

__________________________________

 There is nothing more guilt producing than the pleading eyes of my dog Lily when she needs to go outside for her last walk of the night.  Well, she's pretty pathetic during thunderstorms, when fireworks are exploding or some errant  hunter starts blasting his trusty gun at dawn down along the river during duck hunting season.  But, that's fear.  Her stance and glance come from a different place.   She wants protection.   A "take me for a walk" on the other hand, has the energy of a jumpy runner at the starting gate.   Except there are four legs doing the happy dance, and a long wet nose to nudge you towards the front door.

At this time of year, when the bitter winds feel like it's shredding your parka into bits of fluff, Lily's desire to romp outdoors after dark sends rippling shivers from my head to my toes.  It takes all of my reserves to force myself to bundle up and take her out there.    It's WAY worse when I have forgotten to complete this last routine of the day and have already had a long hot bubble bath, put my flannel jammies on and slipped into bed in search of stillness and sleep.

Ah, but the look....... the Labrador lingering look never fades.  It begins to pore into your comfy cozy conscience until the guilt shoves you out from under the puffy duvet, down the hall and into various layers of outdoor gear.  All the while, my lovable dog, who spends her day lazing about snoozing on various pieces of furniture and beds when no one is around to tsk, tsk her, turns into a snow puppy prancing while wagging her long happy tail.  Happy dance!  Happy prance!  

This was the scene the other night as I dutifully pulled my fleecy hat down to my eyes, my shawl under my long wool coat up to over my chin..... cheeks and eyes were all that were visible by the time I opened the front door and stepped into a chill so desperate it originally took my breath away.  It literally freezes the snot in your nose!  Instantly! 

Out we went.....me trudging in my fashionable mukluks, wrapped like a colourful mummy ...... she galloping over snowdrifts like they were wild growing hedges blooming in the summer!

As Lily bounded towards the end of the driveway, I slowly followed along.  It wasn't until I reached the road that I realized a few new centimetres of light fluffy snow had fallen earlier in the evening when it was a little warmer than it was now.  Did you know that sometimes it gets too cold to snow?  The temperature had dropped drastically during the time between snowfall and dog walk.  

Pristine.  Purely untouched powder lay on the street.  Not one foot print nor a tire tread had disturbed it.  We were the first crazy explorers to traipse through the powder.  As Lily ran ahead to attempt her trademark snow angel body rub, I stopped to look at the beautiful scene, and to listen to the muffled silence that only winter offers.  It was a quiet as an ancient prayer spoken inside the heart.  Peaceful as the sound before the first note in a song. 

I stood under the streetlight in front of my home and felt the stillness I had tried to capture inside when I was tucked in bed.  And, as soon as I felt this wave wander comfortably through me, I saw the artistry all around me, realizing right away that I had been given the gift of a blessing.  For on the new fallen white velvet were millions of winter diamonds shimmering a greeting.  Because the temperatures had dropped so drastically, the top layer of the snow had formed into glistening crystals that captured the light and reflected it up to my eyes.  

Irridescent glitter acting as minute mirrors startled into a rhythmic dance by the bitter cold air swirling above captivated my newfound gaze.  When I took a step, these clear gems delightfully jiggled all around me.  When we walked beyond the streetlight, they still sparkled as brilliantly as the stars above.  Perhaps they were pieces of fallen stars.....?  These beautiful sequins on white velvet opened the window of wonder just for me.  And I almost missed the red light.  I almost missed the blessing displayed outside on a cold January night.  Luckily I have a dog with pleading eyes...... She is a blessing too.

inspirations, gifts and blessings..... 2010

Sunday morning, the phone rang as I was getting ready for church while wondering if my friend Maureen would be at the service.  Of course it was her on the other end of the phone, wondering if I was going and if I could pick her up.  Same wavelength. That's how our friendship has evolved over the past year......... on a synchronistic grace note woven beautifully into good timing.

We've known one another since our eldest children were toddlers.  Our youngest, who are now 13 years old are only a few months apart and have been friends since kindergarten.  But, for circumstances and strange reasons that will remain unknown our friendship never developed beyond acquaintance.  Interestingly, we both instinctively knew we would eventually connect in a meaningful way.  It has always been "meant to be....."

Our conversation along the route to church was a catch up talking stream.  Surprisingly, in the 10 minutes that it took to get from her house to the pew we settled into, we just about covered it.   Why?  Because we were able to agree on the assessment of our personal 2010 journeys.  

Maureen and I  experienced life altering family issues that literally brought us to our knees and through the doors of St. Paul's United Church within a month of one another (which is where we reconnected....) and had summed it up in the same way.   Our lives now are far richer, our learning much broader, our ability to feel much deeper, our wings more unfurled, our faith tested and tasted and acted upon.  In other words, despite the pain and anguish we confronted living our own stories unfolding, we learned more in 2010 than in all the years combined.

The two most inspiring and motivating events of 2010, we shared.   To think that Maureen wasn't even a key person in my life at this time last year seems impossible.  But, that was the case.  I had no idea what she was coping with.  She had no idea what I was living.  By May, we did..... in one deep  diving conversation when we realized just how much we had to offer one another. Our gifts blended well.

By the end of June, the two of us were sitting at the front of St. Paul's United Church delivering the Sunday service together.  By December 8th, we were standing in front of the government legislature surrounded by over 1000 people who heard the call of Maureen's rally cry to support the need for treatment services for youth with complex mental health issues in this province and their families!!!  (I will write about this in another post!)  From the morning  we spent in her home office in mid October plotting and planning out her "AUDACIOUS"  vision of this rally to the BIG DAY,  our lives were intertwined in this project!  

I know I've used this blog mostly to process the deep scar feelings and angry hurts from the end of my marriage.  It has been so therapeutic to write, publish and move on.  But, it has only offered up a predominantly one sided view of how my year unfolded.   I wish I had been able to have written as regularly as I used to, because there have been SO MANY amazing moments, connections, topics, ideas I have not been able to capture here.   Today, I was inspired by my Emerald friend, Pip (a gem like no other!) who posted his 2010 list of favourites.  I thought it would be a good idea to do the same.....

Blessing:  Martha and Max.  When I looked at them on Christmas Day all smiles while opening their Santa stockings, I whispered a big thank you.

Place: My back deck last summer..... On my own or with a an old friend, to share dinner, star gaze, sip wine, listen to music, marvel at the fireflies..... when the sun was shining, or when the early evening summer breezes were cooling down the day, I found solace.  Sunrises, Sunsets..... my Saint John river flowing.  I began to heal.  I grew new roots.  I belonged.

Moment:  Canada Day.  In the woods near Petticodiac, New Brunswick with a friend.  For a few hours I sat peacefully still on a large flat rock situated right in the middle of a glorious waterfalls. Bliss defined.

Learning:  I could fill a book with all the learning I gathered up in my arms!  What guided me along were learning three pieces of wisdom I wrapped my heart in.........

Faith is a verb.

God provides minimum protection but maximum support.

Tears bring strength.

Song:  Michael Franti, Sound of Sunshine.  It pulled me up onto my feet every single time I heard it!!  Have a listen!!!

Album.... Mark Knoffler, Get Lucky.  Dont know when he recorded it.  I discovered it in 2010.  MY GOD, this whole album puts me in a place of comfort. Strikes a soul chord where tears and smiles meet.  I'll always travel in  my mind to a summer's eve sitting quietly and alone on my back deck with this playing in the background.  Here's the title track.

Author ..... John O'Donohue's book of Blessings and book on Beauty.  Neither left my side.  One blessing in particular I read quietly aloud many many mornings as a way to centre myself, as a way to find my strength.  An excerpt:

"I arise today

Blessed by all things,

Wings of breath,

Delight of eyes,

Wonder of whisper,

Intimacy of touch,

Eternity of soul,

Urgency of thought

Miracle of health

Embrace of God."

Book.... Henri Nouwen's workshop book on the Parable of the Prodigal Son.  It literally shifted my perspective and allowed me to see the issues in my life and the role I played from a very different angle.  I learned how resentful I had become and how much anger I had swallowed.  Once I realized I connected most with the Son who stayed behind, and how his resentment killed the joy in his life, I set out to let go of the chains of resentment, and began to seek joy through forgiveness.  I have returned to this book time and again since last winter when I discovered it.  Life changing. 

Hurt.... Going through yet another blip in my job when there was an attempt to clip my wings again and not allow me to be a counsellor.  Long story, but very hurtful and came at a time when I didn't have the energy or focus to fight back.  Things seem to be back on track again.  And I am in a different mindset.  Counselling isn't a vocation.  Its a calling.  It's who I am.  It's like breathing.  No matter how it is defined, I am who I am.

Personal Achievement.  Returning to church after a 30 year hiatus last March with the encouragement and love of my friend Andrea.  She held onto me that first Sunday I went with her.  I was so numb and so heartbroken, but she was there right beside me handing me kleenexes and singing hymns in my ear!  Three months later and lots and lots of love shone on me?  I stood at the front of the congregation and spoke about  "God's Abundance."  I entitled it  "Found Blessings...." a term I had read once in a John O'Donohue book.  Here is the link to the sermon......

Inspiration.... My friend Maureen.  Hands down!

Scar..... on my heart.  It is shaped like the Hope Diamond.

Gift..... Last spring when I was in such emotional pain, my friend Charles (crazy man blogger) gave me a big gold cross.  It was a gift his Priest had given him when he was going through a grieving time.  He gave me the cross to help me when I needed it.  His kindness left me teary and speechless.  That cross travelled with me wherever I went.  I held it in my hands often.  Now?  I gave it back to Charles so he can pass it on to another in need. 

Weekend..... Late October when I took part in a weekend prayer/writing retreat at a place called Tatamagouche.  Led by two beautiful women, I personally experienced two moments of enlightenment which left me changed forever. It was as soul shifting as my experience at Greenbelt in 2009 when I spent time in a place called "Soulspace...."  I need to write more about this experience as well.  I've talked about it and touched on the experience a couple of times in a few blog posts, but haven't managed to find the written words to capture it.

Thing.... My glowing blue ball, a gift from my friend JOY which sat on my back deck until the fall and brought good karma back into the home!!!!  And a few good laughs!!!! I wrote about it here!!

Frustration....... I am no farther along with doing something with my writing as I was this time last year.  I have more ideas, but my procrastination continues to bite me in the arse.  As much as I want to let my writing lead the next part of my life, I can't seem to stop jumping into things that act as diversions. HOWEVER, those diversions have been healing, helpful and have made me WHOLE! 

Bloggers...... My Emerald friend Pip's blog!.  Food for the soul.  Click HERE  

And my beautiful Aussie friend, Selma's blog.  Her prose, written from deep corners of her soul always leaves me smiling and applauding her gifts!  Selma?  You are a gem too!  And one day, we will go on a book tour together eh?  :)   Click  HERE!

Reflection.... Sitting in a Cathedral in Toronto last April, feeling such hurt and pain, I was able to find my stillness through centering prayer. Since then, I have returned to that "place" of comfort when I've needed it. Reflection has been a place i have visited the most this year as I learned the lessons of humility and forgiveness.

Gift 2 ..... All of the beautiful human beings in my life who are really angels in disguise.  You have helped me find my wings, find my voice, find my freedom, broaden my awareness,  through your love, encouragement and listening ears.  You have showered me with compassion and understanding.  I will forever be grateful.

Love .....  My handsome Scottish Frenchman from the Gaspe coast who not only has taught me about 50-licious romance, who has surprised me with glorious bouquets of spring flowers, he turned a potentially miserable day into one complete with champagne memories.  He also orchestrated the best, most hilarious first date ever by bringing journalist Jan Wong along.  (actually, he brought me along!) Merci beaucoup Monsieur McGregor.  Encore!!!

Journey ..... one blessed with an ever growing faith in God, on a path with no borders that continues to amaze me. 

Let me finish this list of Favourites with more of Father O's blessing........

"May I live this day.....

Compassionate of heart,

Clear in word,

Gracious in awareness,

Courageous in thought

Generous in love. "

night rain webs.....

 Some days are more emotionally draining than others.  The nature of what transpires during the course of an average workday may appear to be similar on the surface.  Same tasks.  Same timeframe. Same kind of interactions.  Same types of stories.  What alters the emotional context of one day to the next is what you bring to it.  We alight on an seemingly ordinary weekday with a bag of sticky tricky worries, a list of MUST DO's,  a whole set of emotions stretched and challenged by fatigue, or new energy..... by stress or by a wicked sense of wonderment.  

Fueled by how we choose to see, hear, feel, touch, inhale, give and receive life in and around us, the day unfolds as it will.  Even if we make our best attempt at looking through our lens with beauty, circumstances can throw us off course and quickly deplete our energy.   Today was one of those kind of days.  Rainy, slow shuffling pace, tired.  No amount of caffeine could artificially boost me up beyond the rainy grey skies.  My energy was perpetually damp and sluggish.  My feelings were easily tipped.  To say that its very difficult to work in a counselling environment on days when you're not at your best is understating the obvious.  Feelings and energy aside, you've got to rise to the needs, knowing that at the end of the day, you won't have much left in the reserves.   

I recently met with a Spirit Guide who amazed and astounded me with the "messages" he passed onto me through the "angels" who have been hanging out around me all my life.  The messages were bang on accurate that I have yet to really process the whole experience.  However, one of the comments made (and this guy had no idea I was a counsellor or a writer OR had a strong desire to alter my career path from counselling to writing/facilitating and he hit on all three over and over again!) was that I have recently lost the ability to let go of the emotional spillage of others.... that it is seeping under my skin more readily than it used to.  He warned me to be more aware of this..... that if I was feeling sad or drained it was more than likely not my own "stuff" I was reacting to.  Rather, it had more to do with the feelings and stories others were sharing with me.  He was right.  I realized that today as I kept attempting to find the balance in myself and failing at it.  

I am certainly more focused than I was a few months back and am capable of performing my job, but there is a residual sense of vulnerability that gets tweaked too frequently/rapidly than it used to.  A transference of emotions happens quickly, like my empathy valve is open too wide.  It has made me really question whether the time is ripe to seriously take some formal steps towards a new career.  I don't feel burnt out from counselling.  I still love it.  I love the connections and I know I'm just as effective.  My focus is sharp when someone needs me.  Uber focused even.  Its just that I'm in a different frame of mind.  I've changed.  The shift has happened. Vulnerability is a raw place to be, but it isn't a bad place to be.  It is where creativity dwells.  I want that opportunity to dwell there........ to create.  The timing may be right now.  

I write this tonight........ after going for a walk with my dog.  It is still raining.  Most of the snow has melted away.  The street was dark save for a few lights along the abandoned gardens in my neighbours' yards.  I shuffled along thinking......reflecting on the day, trying to figure out why the blues grabbed hold of my soul when in fact it should be the opposite.  And I remembered what the Spirit Guide told me.  I am harbouring the emotions and stories of others, allowing them to weigh me down. 

However, as I turned around to walk back up the street, my eyes gravitated to the lonely streetlight that happens to be on the edge of my front lawn.  It's rays shone through the leafless trees, and touched upon the hydro wires and telephone lines leaving the rainsoaked limbs and lines glistening   The light and water droplets formed a large web filled with diamond sparkles.  Silent light to catch whatever worries, fatigue, frets, feelings you want to toss into it.  

I stood just below the big tree on my front lawn....... the one that captured the streetlight strength the most and was left in awe of its beauty..... nature touched by manmade light.  Then, I threw my thoughts and feelings UP into its magical web.  A nighttime dreamy web....... and let go of what I truly can't control and let them attach to the light sparkles in the trees.

And here I am now........ still tired, but lighter.  Still wondering whether I am ready to let go of my original calling I have honed and loved dearly and step into the wilderness of something brand new........... Interesting times. Interesting thoughts on a rainy December night full of glistening webs of diamond sparkled limbs.  I LOVE the last vestiges of the evening before bedtime.  For some reason, resolutions feel so much  more gratifying.

Tonight's photo theme is Night.  For more photos and interpretations, check out Carmi's blog. 

give us this day.......

Have you ever stopped at the end of the day when nighttime chimes its call to slumber and asked... Why was I given this day?  Tonight, as I try to answer, my mind seeks out a beginning point only to find a series of other questions rolling out of the original one.... 

What seeds did I plant?

What seeds did I sow?

Who touched me with their presence, both in person and from afar? 

Whom did I touch? 

Learning....what did I learn? Was I able to pass on any of my knowledge?

If I could capture the essence of feelings that accompanied me today, what colour would they be?

Who did I remember?

What did I do and how did I feel while I was doing it?

From one seemingly simple question, a plush red carpet rolls out of my reflections revealing more to consider.  Each one offers a gift of a deeper look into the day I was given as a gift.   In prayer, we request from God,  "give us this day our daily bread...." sustenance to thrive on.  We request this.  Upon reflection we can assess how we utilized this gift of days we are given that make up our lives.   

Did I stop.........just once to look around me ..... to see the beauty of my surroundings?

Where did I find the beauty?

Did I stop ... just once to look around me ..... to see the woundedness in my surroundings?

What shocked my senses?

When did I laugh?  

Did I reveal frustration, anger, confusion or did I stuff it inside because no one wants to see those big time uglies.  

Did I allow someone else to express the uglies, to help them rid them? 

What did I create today? 

How did I stretch my imagination?

How did I challenge my sensibilities?

What made me uncomfortable? 

Who was with me in spirit helping to guide me at some point today?

Did loneliness come to visit?

Why was I given this day......?

Was I kind to someone?

Did I scatter more seeds than I sowed?

So many of our days, we push through the 24 hour cycle like our lives are situated on top of a treadmill, our pace the same, our steps the same in order to keep going, keep balanced.  Maybe we need sameness because our lives are just too startling and stressful at the moment.  Just to "get through" them is a feat.  Maybe we dread stopping for fear of being accosted by the stark realities burdening our hearts, weighing heavily on our shoulders.  Maybe we skip through a day with a madness of last minute shopping before Christmas and forget that its the joy of giving, the satisfaction of finding just the right gift for someone we love not the completion of the never ending list of "to do's" that matters.  Some days seem so lacking in any stimulation that you feel like you've lived it over and over again. 

I'm left wondering if perhaps these are the kinds of days when asking the question...... Why was I given this day ...... matters the most?

Ask the question, the treadmill stops.  Ask the question and the opportunity to nurture the startling stress with attention happens.  Ask the question and the burdens are acknowledged and greeted by awareness.   Ask the question and that omnipresent fear of being alone is filled with the real connections you made with others......... face to face, over the phone, through an email, on facebook, at the store, passing someone in the street, at work, in the classroom, out in the parking lot, in your mind's eye. 

Did you know that there are at least 3 people out in the big old world who not only thought of you, but love you too.  You may not get to see them every single day, but they are out there rooting for you!  Cheering you on!

Ask the question to God?  "Why was I given this day God?"   He's a good sounding board.  However, chances are like a good therapist (the ultimate therapy dude, really) God will reflect the question back for you to answer.  "You tell me.... Why did I give you this day,"  He asks...... and you're left figuring it out, with His supportive touch guiding you through the perplexities any opened ended question promotes. 

Before the darkness around you folds into your own internal quiet lights out, let your dreams evolve from the abundance of silent reflections.  Let your day flow into the refreshing slumber with your gaze be filtered by a sense of resolution. No matter how difficult or trying it was, it can be transformed from an ordinary day on a treadmill to one that actually mattered because of the gifts you gave and received yourself.  

I may never have all the answers I want by the time I'm sound asleep....... sometimes the questions keep me up way after my bedtime and that's alright.  What I do know is that if I take the time to ponder, even the most wretched day holds a few gems.  And if I know I have a handful of gems, it seems to make the struggles all the worthwhile.

So, tonight I ponder, and peak into the wildness of my broad question.......  "Why was I given this day?"  To fill with as much life as I could..........with as much colour as i could.  And I believe I accomplished just that.....

Now its time to dream........of you.  Why?  Because you are with me every day.... in my actions, in my feelings, in my imagination, and in my soul.  You.  And I thank you for sharing this bountiful life with me.  Little did you know, but you eased my suffering, added to my joy, challenged and stretched my abilities.  It was you and the connection I have with you that turned this ordinary day into a recognized bouquet of blessings.

 

cleansing tears, awakening gratitude

Smiling market friends, Boyce Farmer's Market

October, 2010

 

Yesterday as I sat in church, I was flooded by tears.  They flowed out of me from a geiser just under my skin.  They streamed out  leaving me a bit perplexed over the quantity and over the fact that they didn't come from a place of sorrow nor joy.  It seemed like I was an open vessel........vulnerably open to expressing what I was receiving.  It's difficult to find the words to articulate it, except perhaps my sensitivities were heightened to flood stage while my heart was filled with gratitude.   I wasn't expecting the intensity of those feelings bubbling up, but there was absolutely no way of stopping them.  I didn't try.  Safe under the majestic  ceiling pitch of the old church, surrounded by the walls which have absorbed many stories,  I let go of the controls.

Its a bit disconcerting to be a person who can let the tears flow so effusively whenever I am touched by a moment.  When the moment happens to be in public, well it adds another flavour to the experience.  Tears are misunderstood by an onlooker. Automatically, we tend to think that they represent pain from grief or mourning and that crying is always a weeping.  Rather, they can be a communitative cleansing, a decluttering of the accumulative aches as well as the softened relaxation of the body and soul awakening to something only the heart sees. 

The service was poignant.  It brought forward a chance to recognize the gifts we have all around us and to feel a sense of love and belonging especially when one is moving through a new passage in one's life.  Gratitude felt fills the caverns inside us with joy.  It pushes out the sadness.  It awakens us to possibilities.  It leaves us sensing our internal tributaries flowing in and out with kindness.  It was a awakening affirmation of giving and receiving thanks, of remembering, of recognizing life's joyful harvest.

I had my head down during most of the service listening while envisioning the myriad of blessings in my personal life. I tried on occasion to put a halt to the tears.  I was running out of kleenex!  I wanted to be able to focus with clarity on the music, the words, the scripture.  But, there was no way of stopping them. Clarity came from inside.  What was spoken at the service seeped in through my pores settling in the emptied places where the tears had once resided.  

At one point, right in the middle of the sermon, I lifted my head up and at the same moment the angle of the sunlight filtering through the beautiful stained glass windows high up above me reached the spot where I was sitting.  Front and centre.  The light warmed the top of my head as a welcome to look up. When I did,  it bathed my face with a glow that pulled me right into it's healing.  The light reflected through the coloured glass, left me with a gift of radiance I can only describe as grace.  I can't believe how timely it was and how the air thinned all around me.  I took several deep long breaths.  

I prayed.  I sat quietly listening to the congregation all around me recite the creed, letting their expressive words be mine.  I gave thanks over and over.... in silent thoughts to God who guides us through the perplexities of an awakened life.  Yesterday, the Sunday of Thanksgiving,  I let the tears flow, like a river......... cleansing away the perplexities, emptying those overflowing soulcups, leaving me with space for receiving the vitality of Grace.  

Gratitude and Humility

Let this be a rambling outpost tonight as I make an attempt to catch up to my thoughts and emotions which seem to be flying out of every orifous on my body! How's that for a pretty visual? 

Ok, let's start with 5 words, eh Beautiful Human Becoming GrandPip?

Scrambledeggsheaded

Lonelyhearted

Jumbledinnards

Deeplyseated

Surrenderedhuman

You know, sometimes all it takes is to find the words that attempt to describe the state of mind and heart for the uncluttering to begin.  You speak them, write them, express them and the power of the feelings lessen.  Focus begins to replace the flooding.  Awareness is invited through the door of the soul.  My 5 made up words brought me some smiling levity.  Silliness reigns!

Deep breaths....... in and out, in and out....... slow presence breathing....

Here's she goes....

Today started off well and then went into decline around 9 am after I left the Market when I allowed myself to relax and fully recognize the significance of Thanksgiving in my life and the lives of my family.   Hands down, it is the most loved dinner I prepare because the whole weekend is filled with the goodness of gratitude and the humility of stopping to remember the importance of sharing our harvest with others.   The meaning and the symbolism of preparing a meal with that in our hearts fills me with joy.  I love, love, love providing the meal for Thanksgiving.  So, it isn't surprising that I am having a tough time this weekend coping with the changes and the loss.

Since this morning, I have been shadow boxing with new and old ghosts.   Memories from way back of celebrating and giving thanks with friends and family in Spencer's Island and here in my home came marching into my presence.  Memories of last year's Thanksgiving celebration trumped all of them however, as I realized just how much my life had changed and I didn't even know it.  As much as I have tried to stop obsessing on this, I can't let go of the thoughts until I express them.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to accept the fact that the life you were living and seeing one way wasn't that way at all?  It feels like a violation. It really does.

I am no victim.  I have no time for that mentality and I am fully aware of where my own head was at this time last year and how much it was impacting my marriage.  It was in stuck mode, trying to figure out what I wanted and trying my best to express myself.  However, I didn't express myself.  I was reacting all over the place.  Not responding. Reacting and making things much worse.  I couldn't be fully open to hearing what was being said and NOT said.  I was too angry and burnt out from years of shouldering things, which of course closed down any opportunities for intervention on my end.  And since I was the only one to have taken the lead on that, it wasn't going to happen.  I stopped asking.  I let resentment cloud my vision as I struggled to keep afloat trying to seek solutions. I was questioning everything, and the most predominant feeling I harboured was fear.  Yes, fear. I see that now.

• I was afraid to take a real honest look because I knew it was ugly.
• I was afraid to really see the disconnect and numbness being projected from the both of us.
• I was afraid to push for openness because I didn't know how it would impact his health.
• I was afraid I couldn't cope with maintaining the status quo or what the future held.
• I was afraid that I would remain stuck and life wouldn't get any better.
• I was afraid of being rejected even though I was already feeling its realness.

This is where I was at last Thanksgiving.  Truthfully afraid and incapable of helping to steer my marriage back to safe waters.  I was so foggy while defensively protecting myself that it wasn't until much later that I began to see the signs that someone else had already replaced me in the love department.  Today, a year later these revelations have surfaced.  I see the irony of it too because all along I have been told that my reactions and my expressed feelings scared him.  I scared him. 

Turns out how I was behaving and how he was behaving was out of fear. Fear begat fear.   Of course, I know now that he stopped loving me months and months before last Thanksgiving.  It was all a ruse. Even if I had lifted up out of my fears, it was too late.  Resignation had already happened.  I just hadn't been told yet.

So, where am I today?  Am I still fearful?  In some aspects of my life, of course I am but in a much healthier and productive way.   My courage is bright and shiny again.  Through the knee dropping humility and the comfort of learning, reflecting, expressing, grieving, grieving and grieving, I am finding my way as I continue multi-tasking throughout my days, and stepping out into new territories with a new feeling of freedom gratitude.  Insights, late nights, bright lights, and dark sights and a whole lot of tears has stripped me of the layers of resentment (though I have a way to go......).  So has the unconditional love and support of my friends and my family.  Thank God.  Thank you.

Life it seems is a process of neverending surrendering.  What gets me is that the more you surrender, the less afraid you become.  Who knew??? Maybe I missed this lesson when I was too busy stubbornly trying to be a fixer, failing at it and then giving up? Or maybe I misunderstood, thought it was a commercial and went to the kitchen to plug in the kettle?

• I looked at the ugliness and it ran away, replaced by growing beauty.
• I reflected on the reality of the disconnections and take ownership of my side of things, while learning to forgive myself and others.
• I let go of the responsibility of his health issues and began to address my own.  I have more to do in this area, but I am taking it one day at a time.  I still have troubles sleeping.  The anxiety still kicks in when I am alone falling asleep, but it will leave soon.  Feelings are just visitors with messages.  They eventually go bother someone else.
• I am not living in the status quo of last year.  I broke free and learned quickly that my wings will continue to unfurl, my potential only grows as I learn to let go, as I allow my confidence to meet up with my competence.  What stalls me at times is this unresolved fear of being rejected.  When you've experienced the ultimate rejection and that happens to be your trigger button, well........... it takes time.

What I fear the most did come true.  But guess what?  I didn't keel over and fall into a fetal position.  Ok, I did a couple of times, but let's just call that meditative moments shall we?  However, I didn't remain there.  I got back up.  Dusted myself off.  Put on a cute little black dress and got my sexy little butt out there in the world again with a bunch of new learning stuffed in my lacy push up bra.  

Why is it that our most important learning seems to have to germinate from an open wound?  Why is it that personal enlightenment and transformation only occurs in the middle of a messy shift?  Maybe the imbalance, lack of footing, discomfort hurt we experience is the best way of appreciating overcoming our fears.  Kicking at darkness until it bleeds daylight, sings Bruce Cockburn. There's a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets in., croons Leonard Cohen  I guess you've got to kick hard enough to make a few new light emiting cracks?  Beautiful Imperfection, writes Pip Wilson 

Tonight, I began this bloggie post with a scrambledeggs head.  I finish it in a very different place, with new awareness.  I will be attending a dinner at a new friend's place tomorrow surrounded by folks I will meet for the first time.  I'm very grateful and humbled that they are sharing their harvest with me.  I have much to be thankful for.  I know this deep in my heart. 

Happy Thanksgiving. 

beach glass

So, here I am, sitting at my dining room table in front of my computer.  I have a group of candles burning beside me as the only source of light.  Flickering light. Flickering thoughts as I reflect on blogging. I can't believe I have been writing here in my own little corner of the blog world for 5 whole years.  Who knew I was so yappy? 60 months, 1825 days, and 1458 posts!

5 years later?  Older. Wiser? hmmmm.......... That's debatable.  Have I learned anything? Yes.  Have I changed?  Oh yes, big shifts.  Have I matured?  No.  Have I acquired a few more pock marks, bruises and beauty marks?  Oh my God have I!  Do I still see the world through the lens of the absurd?  You bet.  Has my world expanded?  To infinity and beyond....... collecting blessings and life long friendships as I have ventured. Beautiful blessings that reach out to all corners of this global village we live, work and play in. 

Awareness.  It's a far reaching theme umbrella to write under.  It suits me perfectly because it has allowed me to practise my writing, to experiment with wordplay, to reflect on new learning, obervations, to share stories, to make up rhymes, to broaden and to dissect. Most importantly, it has provided me a forum for personal growth, spiritually, emotionally, cognitively while hopefully offering up my own learning to add to your own learning through stories, poetry, opinion, essays, photography.

I'm struck with the range of topics I've attempted to tackle.  To me, each post seems like a piece of beach glass that I either stumbled upon, or had carefully chosen to display.  Some have been rounded and softened by the rolling waves, some still have pointy angles to them.  Those ones hurt a bit when you close your hand around them.  Shards of glass, all uniquely shaped.  Some clear like the sheets of a window, while others opague with a layer of white chalk on them.  The ones which are the most pleasing to my eye come in light catching greens and rare cobalt blue or porcelain white.

Beach glass doesn't come from nowhere..... they all have an unknown history much larger and grander than the remnant left on the shoreline.  What you see when you pick it up to explore its texture, shape and colour is merely the tip of its story.  Just like the writing I do on this blog.  So much of  what I write is the mere tip of my life's observations.  But just like the beach glass, it is what ends up on the shore of my thinking.......it's what gleams in my thoughts that I end up capturing.   

I look at what I've written and see it as individual pieces.  Then, I stand back to look at the body of work as a whole and I see the mosaic patchwork created.  Under the theme of Awareness, this elemental montage forms a rough worn window on my soul.  If my soul is a cabin in the woods down by the water, this is one of the windows where the light gets in.  Peak through the collage of beach glass and you will see a part of who I am. Not all of me.  

This blog is a slice of my story.  It captures reflected observations, feelings and opinions.  There is so much more I either choose not to share, havent discovered or written about yet.  That's the thing about awareness.  Not only is is a broad theme..... it is an infinite one as vast as the oceans where beach glass is tumbled and molded. 

Miles to go before I sleep.

My blog is a work in progress.  My mosaic window is incomplete.  Just like me............ there is more to learn.  There is more to explore.  There is more to reflect upon.  I am a work in progress.  Just like you!  A human becoming.....

5 years and counting........... I love this place and it warms me right down to my painted toenails that you seem to enjoy it too.  :)

 

painting by Valerie Leri

friendship bouquets

Life has a way of throwing flowers at your feet. For goodness sakes, don't stomp on them! Pay attention!  Fancy blooms and a few  buds ripening ready to open are just laying there in a heap. Untouched beauty.  With a little attention and care and some creative panache, the bouquet is yours to add a warm glow to your surroundings.  I love bouquets and I'm determined to keep my eyes wide open to see them when they land. 

Conversations that ebb and flow with ease, and the sharing is a deep shade of indigo, bright yellows, perky orange, and the intimacy of a palette of pinks can have the same impact.  Connecting with another, knowing the conversation will be one that continues on into another and another, is like having flowers thrown at your feet every single time you meet.  With a little attention, care and some creative panache a relationship will add a warm glow to your surroundings....both inside and out.  These friendships come from a garden eternally growing blooms of cut flowers to admire from afar, or to snip off in order to create a unique bouquet to beautify your visual field.  

No two bouquets are alike.  No matter how hard you try to replicate an arrangement, it is always different.  The shades of colour, the straightness of the stems, the shape, and the size all play factors in creating a unique display.  The container you place them in, the way you handle them, the light reflecting off them, and the surroundings you put them in all.........external factors play a key role in enhancing or distracting from the blooms.  But you know what else is just as or even more important?  Its what you put of yourself into the creation of the bouquet.  Just like any relationship.  

Feed them both with love and tenderness.....with appreciation and respect for their beauty.  Take care of the little nicks, rough spots and blemishes while admiring the fact that this is what promotes uniqueness, and their gifts will reflect back to you.  Gifts you never even imagined.

Blossoming friendships need attention and respect.  When they land at your feet, don't ever question why they ended up there.  Only God knows that answer and he's not going to be blabbing about it!  And for goodness sakes, take good care where you tread.  Eyes wide open..........these blossoming friendship are everywhere.  This is what makes life so beautiful.  

Today, a new bouquet landed........... I will gently arrange the colour and contrast in one of my favourite vases and let it bloom as it will.  

As it will..........

Today, life threw flowers at my feet..... This friendship bouquet is for keeps.