Let the universe look after me please......

Walk away for too long in a non-aligned fashion and sometimes its darn difficult to retrace those memorable meanderings..... can you ever really backtrack? 

Walk on.  Walk on.

Stories....oh, the stories and experiences that have filtered and been felt by this crazy river girl! Accumulated touchstone people stories tucked together, colourful reckonings,  tender truths,  textured weavings of startle-charged news all stored inside me.  I havent spilled them on paper, or sketched them out.  It seems as though I've needed to remain aloof to my little blog........ I've needed to ramble in this noisy life...... you know those outside noises that demand attention?

Until I began to hear the inner growl.  The one that niggles and wiggles and pokes you inside the ribs?  The noises that push you off your presumed path into landscapes that draw your attention away from what you THINK matters.  You know, those noises you can't muffle, stifle or control because they are so big and boisterous you HAVE to listen.

Noises on the outside.......  Noises on the inside......

The walk becomes a jog, becomes a run. You can never really run away from the noises on the inside.

And then..... and then......."STOP!  LISTEN!"  says something deep inside your soul. Life trips you up into a tanglement of confusion.   It's then you come face to face with what matters.  This time, the face I was looking at when all things stopped?  My caring intuitive Doctor. 

Though a tunnel, I heard........ "it came back positive...."

WHAT? There were no lumps.  No bumps.  No sore spots.  Nothing.  WHAT?

Is it crazy to admit that I was not surprised?  My doctor is intuitive.  I am intuitive.  I knew I was going to hear her say those words.  I knew it.  Through a tunnel........ Oh my God. I knew.  Yet, there was no indication whatsoever.

As I looked into her big brown eyes, the same ones that I have looked into after I gave birth to my babies and she came into the hospital room broadly smiling to see them all wrapped in flannel nestled in my arms, when my son had croup, when my infant daughter had pneumonia ....... when I spilled my anxieties and stress over carrying too much of a load at home and work and needed time off, when my then husband had just been told he had suffered a stroke and she forcefully told us it was going to be alright, that he was going to recover fully (which he did), when I shuddered and stammered out the news of a marriage break up and asked her to take away that wretched sense of feeling discarded like a candy bar wrapper....... AS I looked into her trusting brown eyes, I heard the news.   The biopsy was positive.  I have breast cancer.

The noises stopped.  My voice became small.  I felt small.  Startled.  Alone. SO Alone.  The only thing I could do was will myself to stay in that tunnel with her.... to absorb the hopeful side of the news .... tiny .... non-invasive ..... not a death sentence..... going to be fine.... fine..... FINE ...... strong woman ..... early detection ..... caught very early  ......  to hear that she was going to be there with me for this part of my life's ride!  

"I will be there for you all the way!"  

In a matter of seconds, I jumped up from the chair in her office, whipped off my dress, unclipped my bra and demanded she do a double check exam.  No bumps..... no hurts.  Nothing.  I hear myself babbling like a fool.  "If its so tiny," I say, "can they just suck it out with a straw or something like you would venom???"  "Jesus,"  I hear myself say, "I've just come around to liking these droopy breasts of mine!!! I've always thought they were just a pain in the ass until I started dating again."  

She laughed.  I laughed.  But, I was telling the truth.  For the first time in my life, I was beginning to believe my breasts were beautiful.  An asset.  

 

"Why?" I ask, "Why did you send me in the first place?"

"I have no idea." She replies. "It was a gut feeling....."

"I had the same gut feeling."

We stand there stunned and a bit creeped out by the serendipity of the news.

I have always believed her.  She has always taken the right steps for me and my family.  It was intuition that she sent me for a diagnostic mammogram in the first place.  No other reason.  She just did it.   Thank God. She hugged me like an old friend.  We are.  Thank God she is in my life. 

_________________

STOP.  LISTEN.  Look around you.   When was the last time you reflected on your assumptions?? Those noisy mid-life assumptions?  They have been slamming me in the face, in the gut, and straight into my soul-full awareness regularly since I heard the news.  Meaningless assumptions.  They have no power now. 

 Amazing how quickly you realize that all the stuff you've been hoarding ...... everything from the grudges to the resentments, to the daily irritations slide away into an abyss called "it doesn't matter at all.........."   In a short time, which actually felt like eternity as I went through the process of "finding out...."  I've come to realize that all that burdensome shit I carry in an over-the-shoulder-satchels are heavy hitter diversions.  

Like everyone, I  use those smudgy grudges, those bitter tasting resentments and those victim inducing irritations as armour.   Protection from feeling vulnerable.  Mufflers from those tender truths that leave gouges on our hard held innocence.  

Wow.  Vulnerability never felt so raw. It arrived in a rush of prickling heat, jumbled thoughts.  Initially, the diagnosis left me ripped in two.  Disassociated.  Too numb to drive.  Sobbing until I thought I would throw up.  Then, I would remember what my doctor told me.  It was EARLY.  Non-invasive.  Treatable.   From there, those drizzled tears were tucked away.  

Responsibilities took precedence. I still had to do my job as a counsellor.  Being a Mom took top priority.  I am their lifeline.  Their leader.  Their rock solid Momma.  Always.   Other life events were happening...... celebratory ones that were more meaningful.  I was in a place of suspension going through the motions, but rarely breaking down. However, the week between hearing the original news to meeting with my surgeon was a see-saw blur of holding it together and crumpling in a heap.   

I didn't want to tell many people until I had more news....... more information.  But, the people I did share it with were so lovingly supportive.  They still are.  Now, even more.  Offering to come stay at the house, to look after us, to drive me to treatments, to help winterize the house, to make bread, scrub floors, drive kids, sit with me...... anything!  just ask, they have ALL stated.  Community of friends and family.  WOW.  

Blessings and offerings.......

Life altering lessons in a place of discomfort.  

Love, compassion, empathy, action!  This is what matters......

Joy and woe are woven fine...... hope lifts up from the dredges of woe.  Not from joy.  Woe is where hope is conceived.   

Human touch, shared tears, held and rocked....... encouragement and reminders.....

Heart to heart conversations revealed themselves in such a timely manner that it couldn't have been anything but the Grace of God. 

Mysterious ways, God reveals Grace.  Someone should talk to Him about his humour.  I mean REALLY! 

_________________

I had a dream the morning I met with the Surgeon that miraculously transformed the panic that was devouring me into lightness.  Calm, clear headed uplifting lightness.  I still quite believe it. I dreamt of a gathering.  I dreamt of a surprise encounter.  I dreamt about deep conversations with people I seemed to know well.  As I awoke from this dream,  I heard the "ME" in the dream say......... "We have no control of some things in our lives.  We have to let the universe look after us....."   

Hope had gestated.  Hope was growing like a gorgeous weed inside me, nourished by early morning light.  I felt a calm I hadn't experienced in months, much less the previous month of mammograms and a biopsy.  Solid.  Strong.  Focused.  Reconciled.  My dream left me in a place of personal reconciliation.  I was dumbfounded by the change in how I was looking at this mid-life event.  But I went with the feeling.  I let the calm feeling soothe me like a balm.  I lte it lead me.  From that moment on.  It was in that frame of mind I met with the Surgeon.  

Can you know right away that you're able to surrender your trust completely to someone you've just met?  Yes.  It happened as soon as this dynamic woman with energy and intelligence galore came bounding into the room and announced "You're the reason why we want every woman to have a diagnostic mammogram!  You're the poster girl!  Your breast cancer?  It's stage 0!  Its so tiny........... let me show you a diagram."  

 From there, the conversation went into detail.  She described the gameplan.  She told me that scar may not be pretty, but who cares, she says.  Yeah, who cares?   She told me I would need radiation.  That's the routine.  No matter how small the cancer area is.  I'm alright with that.  

It will be difficult and I have to travel to another city every day for four weeks right through the Christmas season, but my friends and family will escort me there and back.  We will sing Caroles.  We will share secrets.  We will listen to good music and sip hot tea.  We will drive through snow and maybe even stay in Saint John some nights and talk late into the night.  About stuff that matters.  We will let go of our assumptions.  Together.  On these drives.  AND we will laugh at the absurdities, and the stories we share.

_______________________________

Blessings and offerings........... my little universe is truly looking after me.  I am surrounded by love, near and far.  LOVE! 

Stage 0!  Who the hell has ever heard of that?  Is this a gift in disguise?  yes. 

Originally, I was sent for a diagnostic mammogram for no apparent reason?  Based on my Doctor's intuition?  The cancer would not have been detected until it had grown way beyond its minute boundaries if it hadn't been for me continually meeting with my Doctor while I was at the worst of my marriage grief.   

Stage 0 is where I'm at.  I'm the poster girl for getting the old floppy boobies squished in those damn picture machines.  I wonder if I can put that on my resume? 

My surgery is on Wednesday October 26th at 10 am AST.  9:00 am EST.  From there, I heal.  From there, the universe will be all around me......... as will caring people, spirit companions until the treatment and intervention is complete.  

Can I leave you dear bloggie reader and friend with one request?  Will you share a little of your light on me Wednesday morning? I'd really like to feel all that warmth.  No worries.  No negative thoughts.  No talk of survivor.  I'm NOT looking at this as a combat battle in the trenches.  I'm looking at it as a LOVE bombardment, and I need your help sending out that energy!  Because when it comes right down to it, nothing soothes any beast better than open hearted LOVE.  THAT's what matters.

Time for bed.............. dreams matter too.

love is a direction...

Soft shoe meandering tonight after a week swarmed by the buzzing energy of meaningful connections.  Beautiful, heartwarming, across the waters, fingertip lightening connections.  Front and centre, within my reach, embracing arms connections.  Over the phone, face to face, smiling eye recognition.  

Affirmation from voices, from looks, from shared stories..... texting flirts.  Texting facts.  Texting observations, feelings..... Humans expressing stress.  Fear. Delight. Gratitude.  Humans responding to my request for help with open arms, with encouragement.  Humility.  Me responding to someone else's needs.  Gratitude and humility.  

We help each other.  Its the best we can offer.  Love directing.

I held a newborn this week.  Cuddly little sleepyhead in caterpillar purple.  Sigh.  Time stopped as I inhaled the sweetness of her tiny being. 

Hips groove to a reflective tempo tonight.  Jazzed up salsa with feathery drum touches filters through the airwaves to surround me in upbeat momentum.  Not like a rave.  More like a spirit that moves its limbs like the body suit of a cat awakening.  High notes bleeding into the nostalgic earth.  It makes me feel grounded.  Barefoot on cool pine floors.....

I watched my children cocooned in their deep sleep..... burrowed under favourite covers.  Dreaming their own colours.  Their own beat.  Completely safe.  Utterly relaxed.  Sigh.  

I love late night radio..........  with its static touches from far off sounds beyond the woods.  Down a well travelled road.  Along the winding river darkened by a starless sky.  Settled under streetlamps moistened by raindrops.  Never ending raindrops....  It brings music that shares its own stories from a musician's zone flow.  I can picture them completely immersed in creating emotion from their strings..... making them laugh, cry, whine....... the human and the instrument blending together emerging from a studio....... from one microphone outward to reach my ears.  Absorbing it......

I listened to young love conflictions.  New complications.  Big flooding feelings and what to do about them.  His own Mom was away.  On the week he REALLY wanted her guidance.  I replaced his Mom for a short time.  He needed to tell me how happy he is to be with the girl of his dreams........ but what to do about the best friend who likes her too?  What to do?  I listened.  I asked......... tell me what you think you should do.  What do you think you're Mom would say?  He smiled......... and thought and remembered other coversations with his gentle soul Mom.  "Do what is right...."  she would've said........ Then, he knew how he would handle the conflictions.........

"Do you know what is right to do?"   It all depends.  On the complications  and the situation .......  

I'm tired.  Good tired.  Deep rooted gladness fatigue right down into the tips of my soaken soul.  

It wasn't all gladness.  This week.  No.  Sometimes it felt like I was pushing heavy air up a hill.  Sometimes, it felt like I was going to burst out of a tear bubble and land flat on my sorry ass.  Sometimes, all I could do was put one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes, I allowed someone to play hopscotch on my heart.  No soft shoe hopscotch. Heavy shoes.  It hurt.  It was confusing.......  It triggered my feelings of rejection to a point where I thought I'd be swallowed up again. 

Then, something would happen to turn the rain clouds upside down.  

Like a reunion with someone I can shed inhibitions.... let go of the roles, the masks........ escape for a while.  

Like meeting a new friend who burst into my life like a rainbow of blending personalities.  We only talked for a short while, as we shook our heads wondering how the heck we had never met before.  So much in common.  

Like watching my friend cross the finish line after running her very first 1/2 marathon on sore sore feet and a wonky muscle in her back.  She bested her time by a whomping amount.  How bursting proud I was of her overcoming so many personal and winter weather obstacles to be able to run with her head held high and all of us watching her achieve this goal.  She's now soaking her feet in Rome on a trip with her Mom.  The first time they've ever been able to get away together just the two of them. 

Like seeing the pre-midterm nervousness zip through my daughter's whole body only to see her hours later relieved that all of her hard work paid off.  Her smile melts my heart.  Her hugs melt me too.  A month from now, she'll be graduation from high school and heading off to camp for the summer.  Bittersweet life forging ahead.....

Like seeing my son........ with the crackling voice galoomp into the kitchen with new long legs raring to share a few funny stories from his day............... head in the cupboards looking for crackers!  His delight peaked too when he found out that the trip to Toronto next week is now on the agenda.   My 13 year old off on an independent adventure.  Am I ready?  He is.  I am. Maybe.

Like accomplishing the practical things around here.   Painting my bathroom, even hanging up the heavy mirror on my own without breaking it!  A guy named Shirley fixed my lawn mower and gave me shit for not properly storing it for the long winter!  Ooops!  Thanks Shirley.  Next week, a big hearted man named Edgar will fix my front steps.  It's all happening........... so often this spring I've been overwhelmed by these practical things.  Now, I see progress......... Upside down clouds! 

Like having a friend lending me her black heels to wear to a fancy dress ballet gala at the last minute so I didn't look like a flat footed underdressed fool beside my man in his tuxedo.  She is always one phone call away.  Just up the hill.  My angel.  

The music is becoming more ethereal, more experimental as the night lingers on.......... as my thoughts and feelings float down into my soft shoes......

And I remember that today, a stranger man my age called me Kiddo! He said......... " you helped out a lot Kiddo...."  after I tried to lighten up his anxious moment of having all of his groceries come tumbling out of the back of his SUV by informing him that he had just been struck by the luck of Friday the 13th!  

Kiddo!  I patted him on his sleeve and wished him a good rest of the day!  Our eyes met.  We smiled.  Then drove off in our own direction.  

Did you know that love is a direction?  Did you know that you can choose that direction?  You just have to put it out there.  

This week, I took a risk or two.  I put it out there.  And what came back?  Well, you guess.  It was beautiful.  So marvellous that I stand here tonight in my soft shoes smiling a sense of gladness and fatigue, looking forward to crawling under my own favourite covers and letting the dreams find this young little Kiddo. 

Thank you to everyone who made my week so fulfilling, challenging, loving, encouraging and important to me and for allowing me to truly begin to put my once quiet thoughts and plans "out there....."  I have miles to go before I sleep. Tonight though, I take a break ......... and soft shoe my little tushie to bed. 

an unwanted visitor..........

I have a new visitor who seems to have settled into my temples and refuses to leave.  February dreary is it's favourite month, when you're stuck inside  surrounded by stale air and shadowy walls that seem to wobble inward. This so called guest smells of burning rubber and overcooked meat. Not a great aroma when the windows are shut. It feels like dry chalk remnants on sun famished hands. No amount of lotion can quell the cracked skin.   It sounds like your least favourite song played over and over again!  It looks like a dopey deer caught in the headlights.  Or perhaps an overweight Ogre who blocks the sun with its disgusting flabs of flatulence.   

Well, maybe it does.... I haven't decided yet. 

I've tried to shoo it out the door, but it sneaks back in, bores straight into that familiar place in my head, sits right down on my resolve and spews out ongoing smelly ruminations thereby blocking any attempts I make to move forward. This unwelcome squatter has the ability to shake up my resolve, to screw up any attempt at a "to do" list and  to toss in unhelpful questions that force my eyes downward to gaze at my navel.  

Well, i think it does.  I'm not too sure......

Clarity?  It clouds every issue in various hazes of grey.

Focus?  It eats it for breakfast and then belches in victory.

Sleep? It wrestles your dreams into nightmare submissions! 

Determination?  It melts the reserves turning it into tearpuddle frustrations.

Creativity?  It continually smears my work with swaths of black gooey paint. 

Certainty?  It introduces the dance of doubt leaving me tripping over my dainty feet.

Confidence?  Well, this blasted boundary hunter is holding my courage hostage!

My Mother in Law used to say....... "Guests are like fish.  They begin to stink after three days...."  Well, if that's the case, I've got a guest that ranks as odourfically as lobster bait! Ever inhaled a whiff of that lovely concoction?  I WANT it GONE!  Open the windows, turn on the fans, clear out the stink!  Time to let in bountiful fresh air! 

Maybe, I havent been direct enough with my vamoosing.  Maybe I haven't been clear enough with this unwanted visitor ?  I want it gone!  Right? Isn't that what I want?    I don't know .......... oh shit, here I go again......... second guessing myself!  

Enough I SAY!  EnuFFF!  You know,  thoughts are only illusions if they remain unspoken or unexpressed!  They bing a bong like marbles in an pinball machine in your busy brain trapping you in a state of indecision so paralyzing that you miss out on LIVING!  Turns out unharnessed thoughts breathe life into my unwanted intruder who has completely overstayed its welcome.  You've got to bellow those thoughts out in any way you can .....clear a path through the mumbling marbles.  Whether its through talking, writing, painting, running, climbing, relaxing, praying, acting.... DOING, its time to find the breath of my own spirit again. Before my soul wears right through.......

By breathing them out, I deplete the strength of this constantly devouring interloper!  

I think.  hmmmm..... I hope. hmmmmmm.... OK, I know.  I KNOW this!

Indecison?  You've overstayed your welcome.  Heck, I didn't even invite you!  So, pack up buddy!  Get out of my life and do not interupt, invade, smear, attack, belch, or try to befriend again.  I've got reserves you don't know even know about.  I've got strength you can never touch!  I've put words to you measley thoughts and have depleted your stranglehold on me! And NOW!?  I've got my smile on, which I know VERY well is your evil nemesis!  Hahahahaha!  I win! 

Oh, and indecision, you smelly piece of fish waste, just in case you think you can take over my game, I offer you this piece of music!   

I dare you to have a listen! 

 

Photo of that "clown" indecision packing the trunk of his car.

good riddance!

inspirations, gifts and blessings..... 2010

Sunday morning, the phone rang as I was getting ready for church while wondering if my friend Maureen would be at the service.  Of course it was her on the other end of the phone, wondering if I was going and if I could pick her up.  Same wavelength. That's how our friendship has evolved over the past year......... on a synchronistic grace note woven beautifully into good timing.

We've known one another since our eldest children were toddlers.  Our youngest, who are now 13 years old are only a few months apart and have been friends since kindergarten.  But, for circumstances and strange reasons that will remain unknown our friendship never developed beyond acquaintance.  Interestingly, we both instinctively knew we would eventually connect in a meaningful way.  It has always been "meant to be....."

Our conversation along the route to church was a catch up talking stream.  Surprisingly, in the 10 minutes that it took to get from her house to the pew we settled into, we just about covered it.   Why?  Because we were able to agree on the assessment of our personal 2010 journeys.  

Maureen and I  experienced life altering family issues that literally brought us to our knees and through the doors of St. Paul's United Church within a month of one another (which is where we reconnected....) and had summed it up in the same way.   Our lives now are far richer, our learning much broader, our ability to feel much deeper, our wings more unfurled, our faith tested and tasted and acted upon.  In other words, despite the pain and anguish we confronted living our own stories unfolding, we learned more in 2010 than in all the years combined.

The two most inspiring and motivating events of 2010, we shared.   To think that Maureen wasn't even a key person in my life at this time last year seems impossible.  But, that was the case.  I had no idea what she was coping with.  She had no idea what I was living.  By May, we did..... in one deep  diving conversation when we realized just how much we had to offer one another. Our gifts blended well.

By the end of June, the two of us were sitting at the front of St. Paul's United Church delivering the Sunday service together.  By December 8th, we were standing in front of the government legislature surrounded by over 1000 people who heard the call of Maureen's rally cry to support the need for treatment services for youth with complex mental health issues in this province and their families!!!  (I will write about this in another post!)  From the morning  we spent in her home office in mid October plotting and planning out her "AUDACIOUS"  vision of this rally to the BIG DAY,  our lives were intertwined in this project!  

I know I've used this blog mostly to process the deep scar feelings and angry hurts from the end of my marriage.  It has been so therapeutic to write, publish and move on.  But, it has only offered up a predominantly one sided view of how my year unfolded.   I wish I had been able to have written as regularly as I used to, because there have been SO MANY amazing moments, connections, topics, ideas I have not been able to capture here.   Today, I was inspired by my Emerald friend, Pip (a gem like no other!) who posted his 2010 list of favourites.  I thought it would be a good idea to do the same.....

Blessing:  Martha and Max.  When I looked at them on Christmas Day all smiles while opening their Santa stockings, I whispered a big thank you.

Place: My back deck last summer..... On my own or with a an old friend, to share dinner, star gaze, sip wine, listen to music, marvel at the fireflies..... when the sun was shining, or when the early evening summer breezes were cooling down the day, I found solace.  Sunrises, Sunsets..... my Saint John river flowing.  I began to heal.  I grew new roots.  I belonged.

Moment:  Canada Day.  In the woods near Petticodiac, New Brunswick with a friend.  For a few hours I sat peacefully still on a large flat rock situated right in the middle of a glorious waterfalls. Bliss defined.

Learning:  I could fill a book with all the learning I gathered up in my arms!  What guided me along were learning three pieces of wisdom I wrapped my heart in.........

Faith is a verb.

God provides minimum protection but maximum support.

Tears bring strength.

Song:  Michael Franti, Sound of Sunshine.  It pulled me up onto my feet every single time I heard it!!  Have a listen!!!

Album.... Mark Knoffler, Get Lucky.  Dont know when he recorded it.  I discovered it in 2010.  MY GOD, this whole album puts me in a place of comfort. Strikes a soul chord where tears and smiles meet.  I'll always travel in  my mind to a summer's eve sitting quietly and alone on my back deck with this playing in the background.  Here's the title track.

Author ..... John O'Donohue's book of Blessings and book on Beauty.  Neither left my side.  One blessing in particular I read quietly aloud many many mornings as a way to centre myself, as a way to find my strength.  An excerpt:

"I arise today

Blessed by all things,

Wings of breath,

Delight of eyes,

Wonder of whisper,

Intimacy of touch,

Eternity of soul,

Urgency of thought

Miracle of health

Embrace of God."

Book.... Henri Nouwen's workshop book on the Parable of the Prodigal Son.  It literally shifted my perspective and allowed me to see the issues in my life and the role I played from a very different angle.  I learned how resentful I had become and how much anger I had swallowed.  Once I realized I connected most with the Son who stayed behind, and how his resentment killed the joy in his life, I set out to let go of the chains of resentment, and began to seek joy through forgiveness.  I have returned to this book time and again since last winter when I discovered it.  Life changing. 

Hurt.... Going through yet another blip in my job when there was an attempt to clip my wings again and not allow me to be a counsellor.  Long story, but very hurtful and came at a time when I didn't have the energy or focus to fight back.  Things seem to be back on track again.  And I am in a different mindset.  Counselling isn't a vocation.  Its a calling.  It's who I am.  It's like breathing.  No matter how it is defined, I am who I am.

Personal Achievement.  Returning to church after a 30 year hiatus last March with the encouragement and love of my friend Andrea.  She held onto me that first Sunday I went with her.  I was so numb and so heartbroken, but she was there right beside me handing me kleenexes and singing hymns in my ear!  Three months later and lots and lots of love shone on me?  I stood at the front of the congregation and spoke about  "God's Abundance."  I entitled it  "Found Blessings...." a term I had read once in a John O'Donohue book.  Here is the link to the sermon......

Inspiration.... My friend Maureen.  Hands down!

Scar..... on my heart.  It is shaped like the Hope Diamond.

Gift..... Last spring when I was in such emotional pain, my friend Charles (crazy man blogger) gave me a big gold cross.  It was a gift his Priest had given him when he was going through a grieving time.  He gave me the cross to help me when I needed it.  His kindness left me teary and speechless.  That cross travelled with me wherever I went.  I held it in my hands often.  Now?  I gave it back to Charles so he can pass it on to another in need. 

Weekend..... Late October when I took part in a weekend prayer/writing retreat at a place called Tatamagouche.  Led by two beautiful women, I personally experienced two moments of enlightenment which left me changed forever. It was as soul shifting as my experience at Greenbelt in 2009 when I spent time in a place called "Soulspace...."  I need to write more about this experience as well.  I've talked about it and touched on the experience a couple of times in a few blog posts, but haven't managed to find the written words to capture it.

Thing.... My glowing blue ball, a gift from my friend JOY which sat on my back deck until the fall and brought good karma back into the home!!!!  And a few good laughs!!!! I wrote about it here!!

Frustration....... I am no farther along with doing something with my writing as I was this time last year.  I have more ideas, but my procrastination continues to bite me in the arse.  As much as I want to let my writing lead the next part of my life, I can't seem to stop jumping into things that act as diversions. HOWEVER, those diversions have been healing, helpful and have made me WHOLE! 

Bloggers...... My Emerald friend Pip's blog!.  Food for the soul.  Click HERE  

And my beautiful Aussie friend, Selma's blog.  Her prose, written from deep corners of her soul always leaves me smiling and applauding her gifts!  Selma?  You are a gem too!  And one day, we will go on a book tour together eh?  :)   Click  HERE!

Reflection.... Sitting in a Cathedral in Toronto last April, feeling such hurt and pain, I was able to find my stillness through centering prayer. Since then, I have returned to that "place" of comfort when I've needed it. Reflection has been a place i have visited the most this year as I learned the lessons of humility and forgiveness.

Gift 2 ..... All of the beautiful human beings in my life who are really angels in disguise.  You have helped me find my wings, find my voice, find my freedom, broaden my awareness,  through your love, encouragement and listening ears.  You have showered me with compassion and understanding.  I will forever be grateful.

Love .....  My handsome Scottish Frenchman from the Gaspe coast who not only has taught me about 50-licious romance, who has surprised me with glorious bouquets of spring flowers, he turned a potentially miserable day into one complete with champagne memories.  He also orchestrated the best, most hilarious first date ever by bringing journalist Jan Wong along.  (actually, he brought me along!) Merci beaucoup Monsieur McGregor.  Encore!!!

Journey ..... one blessed with an ever growing faith in God, on a path with no borders that continues to amaze me. 

Let me finish this list of Favourites with more of Father O's blessing........

"May I live this day.....

Compassionate of heart,

Clear in word,

Gracious in awareness,

Courageous in thought

Generous in love. "

oh, that face!

A physical tingling sensation is triggered when we catch a glimpse of beauty. Like a moth to a lamp, we are pulled into its presence with a warm sense of illumination garnered quickly inside our bodies.  Swiftly,  layers of negativity peel away from our thoughts and feelings, sometimes leaving us with only an "Ah" left in our speech.  Time flees. Word descriptors disappear.  Movement stops.  Our gaze tunes in.   The world as we know it is neglected as our focus gravitates fully on the landscape rendered beautiful by our switched on souls.   

Reaction to the presence of beauty is both visceral and spiritual, generating from the core of our being. Our  holy light bulb flickers as we register this closeness to ineffability.  It transforms ordinary into mystical.  Even for one slip of a moment, when we recognize the inner light of beauty, our breathing alters as we enter into the emotional realm of love.  All beauty is a slice of feeling love.  Actually, the more i think about it, the more I believe that when we recognize beauty in our lives, we are responding to the yearning to love, and be loved, but also to feel that innermost desire to belong.  We belong to the beauty of this world.

This reaction occurs as often as we allow ourselves to be aware of our surroundings, but it seems to me that it is the most profound when we recognize the beauty of the human face.   John O'Donohue describes in his book, Beauty, The Invisible Embrace (my copy is the most dog-eared worn book I own because I tend to "jump" into its pages on a daily basis), the attractiveness of the human face begins with the symmetry of it.  However, no face is perfectly balanced.  This is what makes our individual faces so unique. 

In his book, Father O'Donohue writes.............

"Ultimately, it is the soul that makes the face beautiful.  Each face is its own landscape and is quietly vibrant with the invisible textures of memory, story, dream, need, want and gift that make up the beauty of the individual life. This is also the grace that love brings into one's life.  As the soul can render the face luminous so too can love turn up the hidden light within a person's life.  Love changes the way we see ourselves and others.  We feel beautiful when we are loved, and to evoke an awareness of beauty in another is to give them a precious gift they will never lose.  When we say from our heart to someone:  'You are beautiful', it is more than a statement or platitude, it is a recognition and invocation of the dignity, grandeur and grace of their spirit."

Imperfect beautifully

Non symmetrical originality

Soul lit harmoniously

Eye-peeling sparkly

Ordinary in the extraordinary

Life marked graciously

Lovely, lovely faces...... radiating strongly.

The most profoundly moving comment said to me over the past couple of months is......... "You are so beautiful...... You have no idea how beautiful you are........."  Of course, I turned around to see if anyone was behind me!  He couldn't have meant ME!  He must've been commenting on someone else!!!  hahaha!   ME?  Beautiful??  Wow, he must be drinking something pretty hallucinatory!   I graciously thanked him but I'm sure my eyes communicated my real feelings......... skepticism.........!

  Why is it that we are so remiss in seeing our own beauty.....at seeing ourselves as beautiful?  We see in it others so easily.   On the 3rd anniversary day of the death of a man whose poetry, presence and prose.....whose spiritual philosophy he embraced with his heart and soul....... who has taught me to consciously tune into the channel beautiful with my gaze, with the way I live my life............  

On the 3rd anniversary of John O'Donohue's passing,  I want make a declaration (and welcome you to as well).  I want to declare that I will not only continue to see and seek the beauty all around me........ in the faces, in the landscapes, in the secret places it dwells......... I will learn to see it in me too.  Luminous!   As it states on my blog header..... "May you expericence this day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder," I want to strive for just that!   

Each day is sacred.  Each day allows us to visit and revisit wonderment and beauty.  If we choose to.  If we choose to make our gaze align with this goal.......  Maybe 2011 will be the year to begin to recognize the sacred gift a day is..... Maybe at the end of each day, wouldn't it be a good thing to do to simply stop to ask yourself.....  What did I gaze upon, feel, inhale, experience TODAY that was beautiful?  How do I see this day as a sacred gift?  What made that happen???

One day, I will meet him in a pub in Heaven perhaps?  In the meantime,  I hope he knows anyways just how much of an impact he has made in my life.  Father O? The flaming light of your spirit glows and grows ....  Thank you. 

Self portrait pictures of my beautiful radiant daughter. 

snapshot

The wind is picking up outside while the rain continues to pelt the earth with an incessant fury. The river belches in fullness and flows with determination down towards the Bay of Fundy.  High tides ream the coastal shorelines, already saturated with this deluge.  Where is it all coming from?  In other parts of this country, it arrived as snow.  I can't imagine how much snow this would be if the temperatures were lower.  Up to the "window sills high" I'm sure.  Instead , my town is getting a thorough rain cleansing.  I will do the same.  By writing ..... a cleansing of a few thoughts which have been logjammed while I pushed through my restlessness.  

Tonight, I'm safe, warm and dry in my home.  Inspirational upbeat music is playing in the background, encouraging me to write, but also to sway to the beat.  There are a few tasks on the "to do" list that are vying for my attention, but dammit, I'm going to blog tonight!  Not only that, I'm going to FINISH a piece and post it!  It seems as though I begin a new piece and run out of steam halfway through it....... or maybe my attention gets redirected .... or the restlessness I have been feeling kicks in.  All of those things, plus I've been busy.  Man, have I been busy.  But, you know........ it still seems like it takes me 5 extra steps per usual step to accomplish anything.   Focus still wanes.  Certain tasks don't seem to get completed on time.  I'm trying.

Maybe i'm just always trying to catch up to the learning. That's how it really feels.  My learning curve which has been created by so many amazing experiences this fall is as steep as Everest!  As I have journied forward, tackling hard heart things as well as welcoming tenderness back into my broken heart, I am learning to step out into the world of discomfort to feel the yawning stretch of opening the door to surprises!  

Wide-eyed ones.  Whispering ones.  Courageous ones.  Scary ones.  Expressive ones.  Risky ones.  Shaky ones.  Deep pit in the stomach ones.  High flying catapulting ones.  Prayer-full ones.  Surprises parcelled in promises of learning.   

In order to continue the flow of this piece however, I refuse to get all jammed up trying to write about everything that has happened.  As much as I would like to do just that........ I would need a week or so to give the stories the attention they deserve.  My restless soul won't allow it right now.   Instead, I decided to provide a snapshot of where I've been and where I am.  That way, I am hoping I can begin to unravel what is in my heart and head.......... AND get back on track with my writing and blogging.   It is too important and meaningful to me to let it slide any longer.   Writing isn't a choice anymore.  It is a life force.  Like breathing.  Like any creative outlet.  Part of me feels like I've been holding my breath!   

So, without further hesitation....... a snapshot complete with headings........ 

What have I noticed recently?   The other night, I was walking my dog down the street.  The winter stars were glistening jewels in the black sky.  The moon was a sliver of itself.  From this vantage point, I could see the lights on the other side of the Saint John River.  Some of them were stretched in blurry reflection on the water, bobbing with the currents.  Golden yellow, candescent white, a flashing red from the tower which welcomes the planes into this city.  I expected to see flickering Christmas colours beyond the river, decorating the homes I couldn't make out in the dark.  What I noticed?  The only predominant colour of light that night was blue.  It was like it outshone all other colours.... left them in its wake. The blue light shone in random fashion like they were fancy stars hovering low to protect the people who lived over there.  Or maybe they were remnants of summer fireflies.  I stood and watched them glow on and on.......... my hands in my pockets to keep warm......... my big blue scarf wrapped up around my neck and ears in silence.   I wasn't restless.  

Currently reading...... I wish I could state that its a big juicy novel that I have escaped into!   Not yet.  Soon I hope.  Maybe over the Christmas holidays.  However, what I am reading are stories and explanations of the Season.  Advent stirs in and around me.  I have a thirst for it.  No matter how busy I am, my thoughts don't stray too far from it's guidance and lessons.   All year long, I have said to myself that I wanted to simplify........ to let go of the layers of complications ....... to pry my fingers off life's steering wheel ... to learn to be more accepting and less controlling of how events unfold ..... to surrender rather than ADD more to the buffet!  I kept adding more..... more and more...... making life more complicated than I could handle, until it forced me to dive undercover to hide.  I was doing the opposite of what I wanted!  How masochistic is that?  So......... here we are, in the  middle of Advent, and I see how I actually have been simplifying.... not in the traditional manner, but by reflecting on what is most important and what is gravy.   I may be busy juggling home, community, work, and play, but inside the layers of complications are letting go as I prepare for Christmas Day with my family and friends in Joyful Hope.

Currently creating...... I can't tell you that!  It would spoil the surprise!  I've got a few little gifty projects on the go right now.  I love this time of year!

Favourite things.... Kissing ranks high on the list lately.  I forgot how wonderful it was.  Yeah, I'd walk a mile in a snowstorm for a lingering romantic kiss.  hmmmmm......... what else? Gee, all of a sudden my brain is fogging up with passionate steam!  hahaha!

What I am thankful for:   Absolutely no question.  I am so grateful to be a Mom to two of the most beautiful human beings around.  Yeah, I'm a little biased, but honestly?  Last night, the three of us sat down for Sunday dinner and my whole being filled up with love and gratitude when I looked into their eyes.   We are doing alright, the three of us.  In fact, we are doing just fine despite our personal stressy days and busy ways.  Both are excelling at school and in their personal pursuits.  I am so proud of my daughter and my son.  They give me strength everyday, and i hope I do the same for them.  

What am I listening to?  Life, traffic and music all around me ...  students in need of spilling their stories, the voices of my friends and family, my inner voice, choral hymns, lessons in nature, sermons that touch my heart and soul, the spoken words of a friend whom I have spent meaningful time with this fall as she successfully SOARED towards making her personal vision come to life.  Her fierce determination to bring 1000 people together to promote much needed treatment services for Youth in this province with mental health issues culminated in an amazing rally last week!  It was a grassroots community movement that only happened because of my friend Maureen's shared testimony and connection to groups and individuals throughout the city.  AMAZING!  I was honoured to be a part of it from the initial planning stages in mid-October.  Here's a link to the latest story about the event.   I will write more about this when I have time to reflect properly over the holidays.

Plans for the upcoming week...... SO MUCH GOOD STUFF!  And of course, the other stuff I don't even know is going to happen!  Gifts.  Blessings.  New learning.  Illumination.  Worries resolved.  New worries rooted.  Projects continued.  Music to stir.  Feelings that run deep.  Meaningful connections.  Love.... giving and receiving.  Beauty in all of life's imperfections.

How about a picture?  This one is my favourite of the week.  Youth learning about the importance of community gathering to support a cause.  These kids were very involved at the Connect the DOTS rally in front of the legislature.  My Max is in the middle!  It was awesome!  

So, here is my snapshot.  A little rambling, but I just kept writing and let my fingers feel the keys again.  No edits.  One draft.  C'est tout!  I feel blog unclogged a bit!  Hopefully I can reach inside to find that creative writing side of me again.  I've missed it sorely!  Here's hoping it will return as my restlessness disappears.  Joyful hoping!

centering in prayer

And come forth from the cloud of unknowing
And kiss the cheek of the moon
Leonard Cohen, The Window

Lit candles on my dresser
Turned on angel choir music
Sat on bed.
Softening sanctuary
Inhaled wafting scents
colour and light flickering warmth
Closed my eyes
Opened my pores
Listened to the harmony filling the air around me.

Found stillness
Found stillness.
Stillness found me.
Comfort breaths.


Let go of visitors....
one thought after another
one feeling after another
one discomfort after another
sadness, loss, fear.....
set sail on rippling water

Rippling water.
Blue
Blue
Blue rippling water
tidal rhythm sounds like angels singing
comfort breaths of spirit essences
stillness journey
stillness journey
inside sacred breath
painted the colour of grace

Time moved in a cloud of unknowing
Deep breath awakening
until my eyes opened again
Found focus
Beyond the glowing candles 
Photos of my babies.
Blonde innocence
created by love.

Falling tears of gratitude set in light and angel voices.
I had been kissed on the cheek by the moon.


ps.  The photo was taken from the upstairs balcony of the place where I was staying in Tatamagouche.  Twilight, Friday evening.

drifters

St. Andrews, New Brunswick

August, 2010

Worn and well past their original purpose, these tide drifters have a new function.  Their storied eloquence have been gathered to create an eye catching sculpture.  

Parallel drifters and floating markers, 

weathered grey pallor aside worn rouge

nestled together in testimony.

Crooked lines settled with elderly ease 

gifts from the tides

queued in comfort 

as the grass grows between their pose.

This week's Photography theme is parallel.  My parallel is always a bit rough and crooked.  I like it that way.  For more takes on the theme, go visit my friend Carmi at Written Inc.  He lives here......

half way moon rising......

Tonight, as I stood on my back deck catching up on the phone with my friend Mary who can always be counted on to reaffirm that I truly am not crazy and that I'm just this emotionally charged being doing the best she can to sort through the layers of stuff I seem to accumulate in the course of the day (the same way she does) I caught sight of two shooting stars and watched the half way moon rise up from the river. 

I whispered two wishes to myself as the stars shot across the sky.....wispy heart wishes.  Small significant desires that would mean a lot to me, but not to anyone else. I would like to ask for a wild wondrous wish, but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.  It would only end up feeling burdensome. 

The moon was resplendently dressed in orange as it revealed itself from the calm waters.  A half way wise moon waning to a crescent, waxing poetic knowing because she's been there and done that so many times. Sometimes she gets it right.  Sometimes the beautiful moon just hides behind a knot of clouds to take a breather from always having to be such a strong vibrant presence.  Even if you can't see La Luna in her golden gown aglow, you always feel like you can count on her to be strong. 

People keep telling me I'm strong.... how is this possible when I don't feel that way all the time? I don't feel strong.  But, how is strong supposed to feel?  Is what I project....this scrappy charisma that just seems to emanate from me the reason why people believe this of me?   Is it because even when I'm hiding away behind my knotted clouds, with raindrops dripping from tearducts, people continue to believe I'm capable.... made from soul alloys that will not break?  I don't get it.

When I balk at their comments..... "you're so strong.... you'll be fine....." and say, "no, I'm not as strong as you think I am..."  they don't believe me.  It makes me laugh at these moments when all of a sudden i'm in a debate as to whether I'm strong or not! Maybe because I end up laughing over the silliness of the conversation that it feeds the strength I'm supposed to have the market cornered on. Absurdity energizes. 

I am a strong person.......they are right.  I think. 

Do strong women tear up as much as I do?  Do they melt at first drop of tenderness?  Do they yearn to be cared for and romanced?  Or are they tough broads who need no one to help them.  Distress slips off these women like a negligee on a hot night with purpose.  Can you be strong yet vulnerable at the same time or are they opposites?

I asked the Halfway Moon dipped in orange as she slipped off her negligee into her naked golden light....... and you know what she said? 

"Strength brings on the tears of comfort.  Strength allows you to reveal your vulnerability.  It is why you can be in distress, yearn for romance, know you will find it.  Strength feeds your optimism and points you away from curses, towards the blessings in your life.  Life is all about doing and redoing as a means of learning.  

You are learning... and from that place where the best kind of learning happens.... in a growly unsettled place called discomfort. I see you rise up from the waters like I do, resplendently dressed in emotions of many colours.  You know those deep feelings intimately.  You know the layers accumulated throughout your jam packed somewhat bizarre interactive kind of days will slip off you."

Then, the Moon asked me.........

" Do you know how to settle inside your whole being and pray?"

"Yes," I answered.   "I've done that regularly throughout the summer but it always feels that I end up fractured with a million shooting stars bumping into one another in this cosmic head of mine. Fractured thoughts don't add up to strength.  They  make me feel incompetent, weak and incapable of managing the tasks I'm supposed to be responsible for.  They make me want to run away."

"But you don't, do you?  You don't run away...... the halfway moon pointed out...

"No I don't.  Sometimes I can shine in a confidence I don't even know the source of.  Sometimes I just hide behind my knotted clouds.  Sometimes I'm calm, just calm.  But, I never run away.  Quitting is not an option."

"Well, there you go," said the beautiful moon as she continued her ascent up into the darkened sky.  "You are aware of what you can do.  It may take longer than normal to get your act together to be able to accomplish what you want, but by the time your day is going to sleep and I am waking up in the night sky, you find in your reflections the blessings, not the curses.  I see it when I look down on you.  You find the calm waters....... and see the pool of possibilities.  No need to worry whether you're strong enough to forge ahead, to reach a place where you will be able to find balance again."

"You think so Half Way Moon?"  I ask.... still a little dubious.

"I know so......because you strive to make your gaze beautiful, you're half way there too.....sometimes waxing, sometimes waning..........it doesn't matter.  You're halfway there.  All the wiser.  All the stronger.  You colourful passion suits you. "  

It's a good thing to have a beautiful moon as a therapist.  I think I'm almost ready for the wild wondrous wishes.....  bring on the shooting stars.