snapshot

The wind is picking up outside while the rain continues to pelt the earth with an incessant fury. The river belches in fullness and flows with determination down towards the Bay of Fundy.  High tides ream the coastal shorelines, already saturated with this deluge.  Where is it all coming from?  In other parts of this country, it arrived as snow.  I can't imagine how much snow this would be if the temperatures were lower.  Up to the "window sills high" I'm sure.  Instead , my town is getting a thorough rain cleansing.  I will do the same.  By writing ..... a cleansing of a few thoughts which have been logjammed while I pushed through my restlessness.  

Tonight, I'm safe, warm and dry in my home.  Inspirational upbeat music is playing in the background, encouraging me to write, but also to sway to the beat.  There are a few tasks on the "to do" list that are vying for my attention, but dammit, I'm going to blog tonight!  Not only that, I'm going to FINISH a piece and post it!  It seems as though I begin a new piece and run out of steam halfway through it....... or maybe my attention gets redirected .... or the restlessness I have been feeling kicks in.  All of those things, plus I've been busy.  Man, have I been busy.  But, you know........ it still seems like it takes me 5 extra steps per usual step to accomplish anything.   Focus still wanes.  Certain tasks don't seem to get completed on time.  I'm trying.

Maybe i'm just always trying to catch up to the learning. That's how it really feels.  My learning curve which has been created by so many amazing experiences this fall is as steep as Everest!  As I have journied forward, tackling hard heart things as well as welcoming tenderness back into my broken heart, I am learning to step out into the world of discomfort to feel the yawning stretch of opening the door to surprises!  

Wide-eyed ones.  Whispering ones.  Courageous ones.  Scary ones.  Expressive ones.  Risky ones.  Shaky ones.  Deep pit in the stomach ones.  High flying catapulting ones.  Prayer-full ones.  Surprises parcelled in promises of learning.   

In order to continue the flow of this piece however, I refuse to get all jammed up trying to write about everything that has happened.  As much as I would like to do just that........ I would need a week or so to give the stories the attention they deserve.  My restless soul won't allow it right now.   Instead, I decided to provide a snapshot of where I've been and where I am.  That way, I am hoping I can begin to unravel what is in my heart and head.......... AND get back on track with my writing and blogging.   It is too important and meaningful to me to let it slide any longer.   Writing isn't a choice anymore.  It is a life force.  Like breathing.  Like any creative outlet.  Part of me feels like I've been holding my breath!   

So, without further hesitation....... a snapshot complete with headings........ 

What have I noticed recently?   The other night, I was walking my dog down the street.  The winter stars were glistening jewels in the black sky.  The moon was a sliver of itself.  From this vantage point, I could see the lights on the other side of the Saint John River.  Some of them were stretched in blurry reflection on the water, bobbing with the currents.  Golden yellow, candescent white, a flashing red from the tower which welcomes the planes into this city.  I expected to see flickering Christmas colours beyond the river, decorating the homes I couldn't make out in the dark.  What I noticed?  The only predominant colour of light that night was blue.  It was like it outshone all other colours.... left them in its wake. The blue light shone in random fashion like they were fancy stars hovering low to protect the people who lived over there.  Or maybe they were remnants of summer fireflies.  I stood and watched them glow on and on.......... my hands in my pockets to keep warm......... my big blue scarf wrapped up around my neck and ears in silence.   I wasn't restless.  

Currently reading...... I wish I could state that its a big juicy novel that I have escaped into!   Not yet.  Soon I hope.  Maybe over the Christmas holidays.  However, what I am reading are stories and explanations of the Season.  Advent stirs in and around me.  I have a thirst for it.  No matter how busy I am, my thoughts don't stray too far from it's guidance and lessons.   All year long, I have said to myself that I wanted to simplify........ to let go of the layers of complications ....... to pry my fingers off life's steering wheel ... to learn to be more accepting and less controlling of how events unfold ..... to surrender rather than ADD more to the buffet!  I kept adding more..... more and more...... making life more complicated than I could handle, until it forced me to dive undercover to hide.  I was doing the opposite of what I wanted!  How masochistic is that?  So......... here we are, in the  middle of Advent, and I see how I actually have been simplifying.... not in the traditional manner, but by reflecting on what is most important and what is gravy.   I may be busy juggling home, community, work, and play, but inside the layers of complications are letting go as I prepare for Christmas Day with my family and friends in Joyful Hope.

Currently creating...... I can't tell you that!  It would spoil the surprise!  I've got a few little gifty projects on the go right now.  I love this time of year!

Favourite things.... Kissing ranks high on the list lately.  I forgot how wonderful it was.  Yeah, I'd walk a mile in a snowstorm for a lingering romantic kiss.  hmmmmm......... what else? Gee, all of a sudden my brain is fogging up with passionate steam!  hahaha!

What I am thankful for:   Absolutely no question.  I am so grateful to be a Mom to two of the most beautiful human beings around.  Yeah, I'm a little biased, but honestly?  Last night, the three of us sat down for Sunday dinner and my whole being filled up with love and gratitude when I looked into their eyes.   We are doing alright, the three of us.  In fact, we are doing just fine despite our personal stressy days and busy ways.  Both are excelling at school and in their personal pursuits.  I am so proud of my daughter and my son.  They give me strength everyday, and i hope I do the same for them.  

What am I listening to?  Life, traffic and music all around me ...  students in need of spilling their stories, the voices of my friends and family, my inner voice, choral hymns, lessons in nature, sermons that touch my heart and soul, the spoken words of a friend whom I have spent meaningful time with this fall as she successfully SOARED towards making her personal vision come to life.  Her fierce determination to bring 1000 people together to promote much needed treatment services for Youth in this province with mental health issues culminated in an amazing rally last week!  It was a grassroots community movement that only happened because of my friend Maureen's shared testimony and connection to groups and individuals throughout the city.  AMAZING!  I was honoured to be a part of it from the initial planning stages in mid-October.  Here's a link to the latest story about the event.   I will write more about this when I have time to reflect properly over the holidays.

Plans for the upcoming week...... SO MUCH GOOD STUFF!  And of course, the other stuff I don't even know is going to happen!  Gifts.  Blessings.  New learning.  Illumination.  Worries resolved.  New worries rooted.  Projects continued.  Music to stir.  Feelings that run deep.  Meaningful connections.  Love.... giving and receiving.  Beauty in all of life's imperfections.

How about a picture?  This one is my favourite of the week.  Youth learning about the importance of community gathering to support a cause.  These kids were very involved at the Connect the DOTS rally in front of the legislature.  My Max is in the middle!  It was awesome!  

So, here is my snapshot.  A little rambling, but I just kept writing and let my fingers feel the keys again.  No edits.  One draft.  C'est tout!  I feel blog unclogged a bit!  Hopefully I can reach inside to find that creative writing side of me again.  I've missed it sorely!  Here's hoping it will return as my restlessness disappears.  Joyful hoping!

what does it mean?

Silence is not a void of noise and activity.  Rather, it is filled with the grace of interconnected thoughts and feelings, wishes and desires.   It can be manipulated as a control seeking weapon to create an off kilter feeling for others or released as a soothing hand of peace. 

Kept to oneself or shared with another, 
silence can be

disturbing

calculatingly frosty

comforting

loving

questionable

uncomfortable

fractured

broken

bonding

beautiful

confusing

reassuring

resting

life ending

life affirming

sorrowful
hushed in hesitation

trapped

tempting

angry

meditative

prayer-full

eternal

drowning

contemplative

depressing

hibernating

struggling
restful even breathing

freeing

breathlessly loving

embracing

intense

noisy!

softening

surrendering

trying
irritating

frightening

intimate
reverentially refreshing
mysterious

Is it no wonder we struggle to interpret the silence of another? Its meaning is so broad.  Why?  Is it because silence is always tied to cause and effect...........? What precipitated it?  What is the reason behind the silence?  Why have you chosen to be silent today?  Silence is not a void of noise and activity.  The type of silence we choose communicates messages to all..........

What does your silence mean today?  How do you think others are interpreting it? How are you receiving the silence of others around you?  How does it make you feel??

for or against the flow....

Fairness....the word which floats up from the cosmos of my brain this morning. It's one of those concepts which seem to have as many definitions and interpretations as there are people. Or maybe the way its definition is shrouded by one's view of the concept of democracy, or what is considered correct and just. Fairness encompasses justice, integrity, decorum, balance, equality. It seems so straightforward when one simply skims the surface of it. Ah, but it's certainly NOT. We may all strive to accomodate the other meanings, the other layers of what constitutes fairness. Our way of perceiving it is seen through a prism of our own heartfelt emotions, our values and our logic. My logic may look very different than your logic. My logic has a tinge of blue and a smattering of red in it. What colour is yours?

Fairness means that a process is considered soley collaborative. Competition is not in the picture. Or maybe there is fairness within the realm of competition? I mean, someone has to win and someone has to lose in a game and we accept that as fair. But, I can't help but scoff at the times when one starts out in a competition with governing rules about who wins and who loses and then in the middle of the game, the rules change. Is that fair?

Is democracy competitive? Of course it is. Is it fair? hmmmm......On the level headed idealistic thin skinned surface it is, though I don't believe most democratic processes are purely and honestly played out. Strategies and behind the scenes political maneouvering are the norm, some more subtle than others. But, we plebians will never know the kitchen table talk that truly goes on during the course of a hard fought battle for leadership unless we are invited to the table. The way our systems are set up, its obvious the power of a few override the power of the masses. We are fed what they want to feed us in whatever packaging they feel will sell.

We can easily slip into the thinking that there is constant tyranny of the majority, and sometimes there is, but there comes a point when we have to grab hold of something solid and take a leap of faith. The problem is sometimes its damn difficult to figure out when we let something slide and when its time to stand up to the majority. It's mucky when the majority is a veiled version of democracy.......

Or maybe it isn't difficult for you. to figure it out. Maybe you have a clear picture in your head and heart of what is right and wrong....of what you will stand up for and against which drives your actions and in turn drives the decisions you make in your life? That's fair and good on ya if you're clear on this. Most days, I'm jumping back and forth on an issue trying to see the reasoning....

Well, there are some heavy duty deal breakers in my mind....equality, honesty, safety, respect, dignity..... if someone is living under the cloud of terror, whether it is a domestic abuse situation or it is under the constant threat on their lives, where power dictates from a place of hatred and greed, I'm triggered. If there is a brutal bully involved, be it on the local or global playground, fairness becomes a clearcut black and white issue for me as it is most likely for you. HOW it is handled may be different, and this is where fairness gets all cloudy in my mind.

Do you think my definiton of fairness simply comes down to recognizing that my interpretation of "an eye for an eye" is different than someone elses?

And then there is the whole side of this longwinded thought.....will i just think about what is and isn't FAIR and ruminate on it until the cows come home? Will I bark out my opinions and bellow at the moon over the unfairness of whatever event/situation/issue turns my cranky crank? OR will I step up to the plate and ACT? Am I a victim or am I a player? Will I sit on the sidelines cheering or booing or will I take the leap out of the stand, grab the ball and run??? What sparks my butt to get up and take it on?? And if I do take it on, can I be fairminded enough to see the underlying manifestations of someone else's motivation? Fairness is a compromising balance of striving for reconciliation isn't it?

Whether I decide to step up to the trough without thinking about what's for dinner, that's my individual choice to make. However, if I want to be "in the game..."..... if I want to "play...." I have to be cognizant of the fact that all is never what it appears to be and in accepting that, I have to figure out which hills we fight over or we'll spread ourselves too thin. Too thin and my anorexic approach to tackling something meaningful to me is useless. I wouldn't have the strenth to stand up to what I honestly believe is right or wrong, immoral, unethical, promising, hopeful, inhumane, evil if we aren't aware of the issues and how they impact our values. And, if I'm aren't aware of our values, I am soaked in a brine that leaves life limp and salty. Who the heck wants limp and salty?

Sometimes I read something on a blog and it broadens my thinking on a subject which may be burning a hole right through the heart of the author and perhaps I havent really put my time or energy into understanding the issue....or I had been locked in my own opinion. This happens most often when I read a piece where the owner of the opinion has taken the time to lay out their argument in their own words using their own passion. I may not agree with their "take" on an issue, but I can at least appreciate their candor.

Its easy to pluck a news story or a video and paste it on ones blogsite disguised as a personal post. I tend to avoid those heavy handed political blathering blogs. They aren't interested in discourse with anyone who may question their stance. Their opinion on fairness is clearly drawn in the dirt with the message that their way or the highway is the only way. Don't see it their way, you suck, you're wrong and you don't count. See it their way and you can join the circle jerk. Yes, I avoid those barking blogs because whatever argument comes to the forefront is smattered with personal "your mother wears army boots," jibes. Who needs to spend time with someone even if its in cyber land who simply is looking for a cheap fight?? I see no fairness or equity in that approach. It just reeks of bad breath.

In all that is fair....? They choose to use their cyber-platform as they wish. I choose to move on. It's the same as the choices I make with respect to my overall learning. Important to note on many levels, because what i choose to learn is smothered by my interests, my life situation, my values, my upbringing, opportunities, access....etc, etc.....

So we pick and choose our "battles" based on our passions and personal experiences, sometimes clouding our ability to see how another is perceiving the fairness of situation or at the governmental level, of how a direction was decided upon. It's the same at the street level where decisions are made that impact us personally. Fair? Democratic? Am I right and you're wrong? Are you right and I'm wrong? Is fairness ever monochromatic? It really gets bogged down into the paralyzing core of political correctness doesn't it?

Am I confusing the hell out of you, as I am myself?? Is it even fair to ask these questions? Sorry, I have been in the car a heck of a lot this week and consequently the convoluted permutations and vascillations have wreaked havoc..... eeek!

Fairness......its a fundamental concept we try to teach our children at a very young age, often starting out as measured equality and broadening out with parameters and rules to guide it. It's a concept we continue to struggle with through the prism of our moral reasoning which is layered by how we learn how to see the world, what we hold dear to our ethical fabric, what is impacted us personally, and what we have learned. Fairness is the underpinning of our values. It is what gets our blood and juices flowing. It is an everchanging kaleidescope impacted by the experiences we step out and into, by what we feed it through our learning. It is as complicated to figure out as it is simple to establish. It drives our notions of democracy and has the capacity to allow us to walk a mile in someone elses shoes....... OR it can be a deal breaker in the eyes of someone who is not willing to focus beyond their line in the dirt.

gee, and to think this little word....this little concept came to mind when I was trying to figure out if it was fair that I didn't get that job...... hmmmm, that's a bit of confessional self absorption isn't it? ....... I guess when I try to look at it from another side, it was fair in someone's eyes. :) And if I look at it another way, the experience left me with much to think about. that's a fair trade i guess. ;)

essentials

thirst quenching....

water
human touch
belonging
freedom
salvation
affirmation
sex
faith
sweetness
fun
kindness
redemption
a caring voice
silence
an answered prayer


nourishment.....

soulfood
validation
friendship

family
recognition
new learning
empathy
loving like you've never been hurt
music and lullabies
freedom
peace of mind
human touch
God
intimacy
creative expression
fun
lovemaking
a prayer acknowledged

physical fulfillment.......

food
a safe haven
a good nights sleep
human touch
stress alleviated
fun
physical and spiritual connectiveness
exercise
silence
unconditional love
clothing
warmth
dancing like no ones watching
freedom
a pair of shoes
God
peace of mind
sex
the sound of music
meditative prayer


What needs are essential in your quality world?

Where does beauty fit in?
Is it a need?

What happens when our needs are not met?

Is what you are doing, thinking, and feeling
getting your needs met?

excuses...

Your ship to come in

The tides to roll out

The winds to change

The sky to turn blue

A change of scenery awaits...





For .....

a full moon

precious time

a dashing rescuer

a clean break

the right moment

a rainbow to appear

a wink from the cosmos

springtime anew

an escape hatch

more money

less stress

a clear head

a sign from above

an omen

a friend

a flip of a coin

the right words

luck to change

a new job

the phone to ring.



For the stars to align.....

What are YOU waiting for?

a mere shadow

I'll never forget first learning in high school about the bombs dropped on Hiroshima. The most poignant part of the lesson, what made it real was knowing that what was left of some people was an imprint of their former selves on the pavement. All that was left behind was their shadow. Their bodies had been incinerated. I have often wondered if the gas chambers in Aushwitz are still filled with the shadows of the millions of Jews who were murdered there. I've never been to there, but my guess would be that there is a strong sense of presence placed on the whole compound.

Perhaps shadows are soulprints; no two are alike.

When I catch my own shadow pouring out of me, it makes me feel less alone. Maybe that's why melancholy hovers on a cloudy day..... lost shadow, lost soul.

Shadows humanize objects. When I see the bare branches of a tree projected on the side of a building, it seems like its an embrace. They connect us to nature. We have that in common. Human, animal or object, our shadows touch down on the earth where we all evolve from, and where we will end up. They are our imprints of life signifying the time between birth and death.

What forms them? What substance are they made of? I like to think that mine is filled with the spirits both past and present who are keeping an eye on me. Loved ones who have died. Memories held dear. Courage to face the unknown. Reassurance from a guardian angel who may be watching over me. Conscience needed to help me make decisions or to guide me along. Whispering prayer that never ends and keeps to the beat of my movement and thoughts.

It is like my sober second thought mixed with encouragement to stretch my limits. I wonder if God hangs out there, walking along with me.........and when my shadow disappears in the night when lights are dim and the noise goes internal.......maybe that's when He seeps into my soul and stretches me the most?

Do they have a shelf life? We don't take them to our graves do we? I don't think so. The shadows left on the pavement in Hiroshima or in the gas chambers in Auschwitz.........where did they go? They are imprinted on ours as a new painful layer of awareness. We carry their shadows. We carry them.

And when we die, where will our shadows go? They will fold into the lives of our loved ones as a means to keep our stories alive. It makes me think that shadows are our collective story...........one with no beginning and no end....I find that idea reassuring.

this week's photography theme is "shadow." For more interpretations and photos, please visit Carmi at Written Inc.

secrets and lies

Are the lies we tell ourselves hiding the secrets we can't bear to look upon? Or are secrets stuffed deeply merely lies wrapped in a different foil made of fear? Do we hang onto untruths because we fear that we will not find love and if we do we'll mess it up completely and lose it anyways?

We light candles in prayer and then promptly walk away from the glow. Why?


my thoughts this morning while soaking in a tub....

dark thinking

Obsessions can sometimes be healthy motivators, especially in the field of creative ingenuity. Given that the majority of us lemmings aren't that bright and wont be inventing the next "must have" that is going to shock and rock the world, I'd say that obsessions generally are significantly seen as irritating behaviours which hide personal wounds we want to keep hidden from ourselves and others. We become fixated on someone or something to a point where compulsion replaces normalcy. Rarely can we hold onto an obsession and an awareness of it at the same time. The projected shadow cloaks the door to insight.

Someone once said that we are our own worst enemies and that for the most part we need to get out of our own way in order to be able to see ourselves as we are and as others see us. But when it's a avoidance tactic used to keep us in the dark, we hold onto the actions which allow us to stay in our own way as long as we can. We rationalize things. For example..........an obsessive who is trying to avoid their own stuff may rationalize their behaviour by jusitifying........."I am doing this to help someone." Meanwhile, the person has made it perfectly clear that they don't want your help, don't want your attention.............want space. It's easier to "help" someone than help ourselves. We're weird that way.

Obsessions imprison their victims by manipulating the thought process into an anxious babble of behaviour that can't be silenced. We all suffer from some form of it sometime in our lives. It is a way to imprison our thoughts in order to avoid ourselves. It is a way, albeit not usually productive, of seeking a sense of empowering control we feel is lacking. It is a way we use to get in the way of ourselves.

William Glasser, guru of Choice theory and Reality therapy, believes we all have five basic needs in our lives. They are: Survival, Love and Belonging, Empowerment/Control, Freedom and Fun. According to Glasser, all of our behaviour, all of our actions are our best attempt at fulfilling one of our basic needs. Given that our thoughts and feelings feed one another and in turn impact our actions as well as our physiology and visa versa, this theory of his makes sense to me. My "survival" needs may not be as intense as someone elses.

My need to find a sense of love and belonging may take precedence in my life as opposed to YOUR need for freedom. they differ in intensity, but they are the same. What is different and what makes the needs look different is the colour and contour of the lens I am looking through. My perception is fed by personal events, learning, growth, my living situation, my personality.....anything and everything which has been poured into the concept of self. According to Glasser, if there is a sense of something lacking, I will do my best to fulfill it even with behaviour that is self harming.

So, how does one pull out of an obsession? How does one alleviate the ache produced by an unfulfilled need when the dark thinking permeates the spirit and chokes the light? How does one change the light bulb?

the football match

Jesus Christ had never been to a football match. So we took him to one, my friends and I. It was a ferocious battle between the Protestant Punchers and the Catholic Crusaders.

The Crusaders scored first. Jesus cheered wildly and threw his hat high up in the air. Then, the Punchers scored. And Jesus cheered wildly and threw his hat high up in the air.

This seemed to puzzle the man behind us. He tapped Jesus on the shoulder and asked, "Which side are you rooting for, my good man?"

"Me?" replied Jesus, visibly excited by the game. "Oh, I'm not rooting for either side. I'm just enjoying the game."

The questioner turned to his neighbour and sneered, "Hmmm, an atheist!"

After the game, we asked him if he was in the habit of never taking sides. "I side with people rather than religions," said Jesus, "I'm always more interested in the human beings rather than Sabbath."

taken from The Song of the Bird by Anthony de Mello.

Jesus may not pick sides in football, but everyone knows that when it comes to hockey, he's a raving Toronto Maple Leafs fan. Go Leafs!

faith

tiny faith by Marisa Haedike

Can I call myself a Christian if I have a strong unwavering faith based on strict boundaries and impenetrable rules? Can I be called a Christian if I show no empathy for another person's faith journey that contains sacreligious questions and doubt? I attend church every week, pray everyday and believe that the man is the head of the household. Women have their place as mothers and keepers of the home. Homosexuality is a sin. Masturbation is a sin. Abortion is a sin. Questioning God is a sin. Enjoying passionate sexual intimacy with another is a sin. Anyone who has the audacity to question the gospel deserves to go to Hell. My place of worship is far superior than other fraudulent churches that quite frankly water down the Word of God and allow their church members to discuss their personal interpretations like they have a right to. Is this Christianity?

Is faith always pure and steadfast or can it include pockets of doubt? Can I believe in God but not in some of the seemingly farfetched walking on water, parting of the seas stories? Am I still considered a Christian if I have a tough time swallowing the story of the resurrection as it is told after passing through many minds and hands of others? What is faith if it accompanies twinges of doubt? How can I find the key to my own dwelling in order to soothe my growling passions, my stirred up yearnings.....my desire to feel a sense of peace in my bones?

Can I be considered a Christian if I don't attend church regularly and stumble through the self conscious discomfort of prayer and never quite get it? Can I be considered a Christian person if my fears of death and skepticism of the afterlife leave me in a puddle of anxiety at 4 am?

What about if I can't hold my impulsive emotions and I let them out too much in a boost of ego driven frustration instead of doing that surrendering to God thing? Will God be patient with me as I continue to fuck things up on a regular basis as I try try try to figure out where I fit in bigger scheme of things? Meister Eckhart wrote ........ holiness is not based on what we do but rather on what we are.......if our ways are good, then our deeds are radiant. Can I still be considered radiant if some of my deeds lie within the realm of sinfulness?

Why do I sometimes crave that taste of sin? Why do we allow our fears to leave us in what Father O'Donahue describes as a state of hunger in the famine of our own making? Is the taste just too alluring or could it be that we need cross the threshold to dip our toes and our souls into the open waters of the inner deep?

Any direction, answers, confessions, discussions...........will be warmly received....

wolves dressed wrong

No doubt about it, we live in a hierarchical world. Authority reigns, even in the most democratic of societies. Some of this is needed in order to maintain lawful, political and societal order, and some is complete and utter balderdash.

Authority when it is tainted by power hungry control seeking individuals hellbent on using their position to fearmonger can be seen in boardrooms, gymnasiums, legislative assemblies, at the market, in families, in schools.......heck it can happen anywhere you find a group of people who have relinquished their own ability to critically think. It's easier to allow someone else to make decisions, and to tell us what to do. Its easier to pass the baton onto someone who will espouse their opinions and interpretations of world affairs, of religious doctrine, of the equation which consists of how life should be lived or how a certain task should be completed...............my way or the highway they insist. Given how it can feel to be walking down that lonesome highway, people choose to do things someone else's way.

Authority takes itself too seriously and often evolves into believing the diatribe it spins out. There's an old story about a priest who was praying in a church while a group of children loudly played outside. The priest couldn't concentrate and became frustrated with the ongoing noise that he went outside and told the children that a big monster was seen down by the shoreline. He described the monster in great detail which intrigued the children. Off they went, excited to see the monster. Along the way, they repeated the priest's story to anyone who would listen. Because the story was told by the man who was considered an authority figure......he rang the bell of truth didn't he???...... everyone completely took it as fact. Why, it was inconceivable that the priest would lie. Before too long, hundreds of villagers were running down to the shore to see the monster.

In no time, a group of enthusiastic people popped into the church to tell the priest about this amazing monster they had heard about. Then they headed out the door and down to the shore.....along with the priest! Even though he was the one who completely fabricated the story, and cognitively KNEW it was a lie, the priest was swept up with the possibility that there truly was a monster. Amazing how one can be accepting of the craziest ideas!

People in authority have the capacity to convince themselves of even the most ludricrous falsehoods. It is an intoxicating mistress who alluringly wraps her legs around truth. Faith that stands on authority and uses its self-projected importance to sermonize in disguise alters the fabric of free expression. Whether its from a pulpit, a podium or a panel, authority gone awry frightens the masses into believing that their word is the way. Judgement is a one way street with this type of authority.



Interestingly, an effective leader never demands to stand on podium or a pulpit to speak from. They may use one, but they respectfully know that all beings govern their own actions and encourage them to protect their own rights and abilities. Effective leaders applaudingly welcome new thought, not shoot it down. They are not afraid to be challenged or questioned.

Is their anything more harming for a community than living under the guise of respect based on fear?

900th post....!

I look at this photo and a few stories and captions start stirring in my word obsessed imagination. Before I choose one avenue, I would love YOU to share with me the ideas conjured up in your imagination when you look at it. Do you have an idea for a story, or a caption? Help me out on my 900th posting. And remember, first unfiltered thoughts are always best to go with.

c'mon! you know you wanna............

huh?

Lady sitting in a crowded waiting room of an after hours clinic last night talking on her cellphone........(and may i just add......LOUDLY!!!!!)

"Did you hear about Shirley's mom? She's was in a bad car accident. She's DEAD ..... (pause)....What? She didn't die? Are you sure she didn't die? I heard she did....... pause ......... oh, so when is she going to die?"


I left after that and went to sit in the sun in the parking lot while most of the people stuck in the waiting room, obviously feeling pretty darn crappy or they wouldn't be at an after hours clinic either cringed while trying to tune her out, or laughed out loud. I was laughing and shaking my head at the same time because it seems to happen all the time now......overhearing bizarre snippets of others lives. Cellphones are brutally rude and invasive in the wrong hands!

The problem with my choice to move out into the open was that many others were mingling about waiting their turn, openly conversing about their personal lives, oblivious to the fact that they were surrounded by strangers who really didn't want to hear about it. Not only that, the topics were borish......even some admissions to illegal drug use, and all of it peppered in foul language. You know, the big nasty word bombs, not the smaller fluffier disposable ones.

As my father would say, "he had a mouth on him like a ripped boot......." I always liked that saying........ it makes no sense, and yet it does. Who the hell wants a mouth on them like a ripped boot?? There were ripped boots all over the place. Why is it that men who talk like that, slipping swear words as often as they can into every single sentence uttered from their mouths, also like to hork spit generated from their phlegmy throats while adjusting their manhood at the same time?? What brilliant multi-taskers they are. Did I mention my 10 year old son was with me? Good thing we've let him watch a few Will Ferrell movies lately. Bad mommy............bad, bad mommy.......... I was actually more concerned about him listening to two men openly discuss their partying habits of snorting lines of cocaine like it was acceptable and dissing "the wife" comments than him hearing cuss words.

Where have our boundaries gone? Have they been erased? It seems so, and I blame this partially on Oprah and her ilk for encouraging the universal acceptance of spilling our stuff to anyone within earshot as a therapeutic primal purge rather than bad manners. Has it become a disturbed way of bonding or is it simply disrespectful of other's boundaries? Whatever it is, it's just plain rude.


Our society has been flipped on it's ear when it comes to communicative decorum. And what is so bizarrely contradictory is that we seem to be messing with both ends of the communication continuum. Either we are yapping away on our trusty cell phones (which btw have recently been identified as a cancer causing agent.....like what isn't??) or conversing loudly face to face with buddy fella in the middle of a department store, restaurant, waiting room, subway, grocery store, city bus, line-up, in the LOO for fecks sake.......... or we have unplugged the whole world and turned ourselves into walking internal boom boxes ignoring even the beautiful sounds around us. Its two side of self-absorption. Thinking of oneself first and foremost.



It's a purge or perish kind of existance, and quite frankly I find it disturbing. Either we have a fear of getting lost as a means of learning something about ourselves and need to be in touch with the people in our lives at all times and waking hours, or we float through existance in a blurred earphone zone, untouched by anyone or anything except what is blaring away.



Now before anyone thinks I'm some wingnut do-gooder with a phobia of technology, let me make it perfectly clear that i do see the functionality and FUNality side of it these lovely devices. I'd have them both and use them frequently if I had to commute great stretches everyday. I also love the openness of conversations which happen frequently in this part of the world. People have no trouble falling into a deeply felt conversation with a stranger. It happens everywhere if you want it to. And I guess that's the point. We should always maintain our choice to be a part of what is being discussed and not have it foisted upon us.



Control over who is allowed into our intimate boundaries is just plain healthy. Allowing someone whose pushy and needy to invade your privacy, or simply by their unaware actions demand your involvement isn't healthy whatsoever. Who I let into my own domain is my perogative, as it is for you. But I also believe in the imperativeness of remaining connected and in tune with the world around us too. Why would anyone sit on a beach plugged into Nirvana when in fact it could be absorbed by the sounds of the surf? Why would anyone go for a walk in the woods and not take it in with all of their senses? It makes NO sense.

sticky songs

love is flowing like a river

flowing out through you and me.......


Do you suffer from songs stuck in your head syndrome? I do, though I must admit it's sometimes difficult to hear the song over the voices in there too.

Kidding.......well sort of.........

Today, for some reason I have had a little church hymn keeping me company. The same lyrics kept looping back over and over whenever I stopped for a breather in between work tasks where I had to remain focused and not thinking about little hymn ditties. It actually acted as a soothing reprieve on a day that was fraught with intensity and the need for me to remain on task.

What's bizarre about this particular song though is that I didn't even know the whole hymn. I couldn't even place a time when I have even sung it aloud. And yet there is was, drowning out my silence. I do know the origin however. It was the word "flow" which had originally captured my thinking. I had used it to describe my feelings to a friend this morning and from there the word seemed to hook onto the hymn and pull it into my conciousness.

peace is flowing like a river,
flowing out through you and me.


A gentle flowing river of tranquility, an essence I sorely lacked during the counselling, adversity and group dynamic facilitating I was involved with today. I've always loved the visualization and feelings of the word flow..........there's a sense of reiteritive movement, never ending in nature.....which is exactly how sticky songs feel like too. I think this is often the case. You start with one idea, one word, one concept and all of a sudden it has theme music accompanying it.

joy is flowing like a river,
flowing out through you and me......


Some people suffer from hearing the same sticky song for long stretches. I'd find that really annoying. Mine usually last a day or so, and then I tend to move onto another one, most likely from a different venue. Van Morrison is a regular vistor to my noggin. Old camp songs show their harmony too..... both the loud after dinner "99 bottles of beer in the wall" kind and the early evening "fires burning, draw nearer" rounds. Recently John Denver made a comeback for some reason........weird.......hadn't thought about Sunshine on My Shoulders in years, but there it was. Yeah, I could list ten songs off the top of my head which have recently flowed all through me during a brief visit and then pulled out only to be tucked away again.....and all different venues and different genres.

hope is flowing like a river
flowing out through you and me.

I could almost taste the refreshing springfilled essence coming from that river hymn.....engaging and reassuring. It gave me energy.

I was thinking about this stickiness phenomenon tonight as I searched for the rest of the lyrics for my flowy hymn which had stuck to me today. After I found them, I decided to seek out more about the syndrome. It turns out one of the most common songs to get stuck is "Who Let the Dogs Out...." Thank GOD it's not one that visits me!

The other piece of sticky song information I learned? It happens most often to neurotics. Good to know I have another descriptive word to identify me. I can live with that. It's better than worrying about it. Right? It is right? I should just accept the label and move on, right??

truthiness

Our journey consists of seeking truth, and yet we tend to tuck many secrets in the dark crevices of our soul in hopes that they aren't revealed to ourselves or anyone else in our lives. Why is that? What would happen if we allowed them to see some light by speaking honestly to God? When was the last time you told him a secret? I hear He's pretty good at listening and forgiving....and sometimes He may even whisper a secret back to you.

whatcha thinkin about?

Are thoughts ever random or are they always connected somehow to a hidden scene playing out internally? Are they like little pieces of thread on a sweater you sometimes have an inkling to tug at, and then sometimes know better to leave well enough alone?

Thoughts can drive you crazy if you let them. They can be powerfully overbearing to a point where if you feed them with more thought food, you may lose site of the other more helpful and effectively healthy thoughts. You become a prisoner in a maze of endless alleys. Take a risk on an unknown journey led by a thought wrought with fear and see how it grows..........see how it GLOWS in the dark night. But if you never take that journey does it mean there is resolution in the untugged thought or does it wrestle underground finding it's own fuel?

Thoughts can also spur own creative imagination, which is sometimes the only bright light in a day of drudgery when all that you find yourself doing is completing a list of to dos that don't seem to have any meaning. Ever had a day like that? I actually have one on the horizon.....a put my head down and get it done kind of day where cerebral stimulation isn't on the menu. I've been avoiding it, or them because now I have let the to do list PILE UP HIGH and it will take a day or two of grunt work to get it done. I was more inclined to let my mind wander into the nooks and crannies of stimulating thoughts and havent been focused on what needs to be DONE. Sure, I've been on a series of very interesting mind-full journeys, but now I have to hunker down. If I can.......I keep tugging at a thread......

.........and it makes me wonder...........do all writers have a bit of perseverative obsessive compulsivity in their souls? hmmmmmmmm........do we suffer from OCD with no exit?

.......and it makes me believe..........there is never a bitter end to a thought, unless you're one of those surface dwellers. Personally, I prefer the attic.

what colour is your parachute?

A wound is never silent. It may trick you into thinking it has no soundbite. It may even be pushed down so deeply that it's voice seems disconnected to the impact it makes on our personal choices, decisions and actions. We don't see the link. We don't see how a few untreated wounds can affect everything from how we structure our daily routines to how we interact with others. And yet, we often don't see the connection. Our behaviour and reactions seem randomly tied to our personalities...........our temperments...........our way of seeing the world.

Wounds are comprised of hurts, slights, digs, abuse, failures..........they are smeared in shame and bruising pain which sometimes is just too tender even to the gentlest of touches. So, we build up the armour of anger to protect ourselves from recognizing the wound, from addressing it with the salve needed. We don't resolve or accept the reasoning behind the wound. It's like we are forced into a holding pattern of arrested development. Anger constipates personal growth.


Interesting how many colours anger comes in. We are all aware of the explosive red pot boiling kind that may even be directed at you because you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Senseless violence like random shootings is the blatantly aggressive code red anger. It's the pressure cooker type that simmers and simmers, fed by revengeful distorted thinking. Red anger is an outward aggressive display, which to a bystander or an intended victim can seem to be erupt out of nowhere until hindsight offered.

When anger, the frontman of a wound, seeps out a in shades of blue...........the blues..................it looks like sadness. It looks lost. It sounds like a misguided wail fading to a midnight black and blue solo saxophone. It's where shadows stretch over rapture, choking out the possible streaks of lightness. Blue anger is swallowed bitters which expands inside our souls leaving a bloated saturated feel like you've eaten too much junkfood at a party you weren't invited to and no one cared.

Green anger can lead to growth if the fear of change doesn't beat it out of you. It has the capacity to lead to a transformative enlightenment......the key is to grab onto it when it's germinating because it can easily turn into a different shade of green that simply oozes out of the wound, causing further hurt.


We arent very good at using our anger as a positive motivator. We aren't very good at knowing when to transplant the seedling into a place where it receives the sun and nourishment it needs to grow into a robust mature plant with roots fed by optimism. I wonder if its because we tend to allow the colours to bleed together to form a thorned wall of revenge instead of as a separate flower amongst the meadow of possibilities?

Wounds run deep. They never run still. It takes insightful courage to heal them and not to let them take hold of the choices you make or the hearts you can hurt by the protective thorns grown in defense.

Isn't life complicated?

dreams........

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it shrivel up and die without proper acknowledgement and notice or does it leave a little tear stained dent of remembrance on the dreamer?

fragrance

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it."

Mark Twain

The relief of a downpour on a hot muggy day

A silent inner smile releasing pent up tension

a sighing collapse after admitting wrongdoing

a merciful sunrise

anew

the quiet interlude emanating harmony

the stillness after a decision to let go

the magic of recognizing a part of ourselves we may never have known had we not made a mistake.

Forgiveness is gift we often neglect to give ourselves.

We are quick to forgive others, so why do we hesitate to forgive ourselves?

hmmm....i also wonder how long it will take the New England Patriots to forgive themselves?

i don't have a clue.

Is our soul the last real frontier? Is it our own endless constellation, where vitality is the eternal binding of our essence? Is soul the keeper of paradoxical emotions, where lamented sorrow mixes into a harmonious hymn of broken need?

I wonder.

Is a soul ever visible to the naked eye, or can it only be felt by the naked vulnerability of an open heart? Is this where mystery of the reason for being dwells as an apparition only to be revealed after death? Do we receive clues to the mystery while we wander through our personal journey of life?

I wonder.

Does a soul chant during the moments of solitude captured after sitting with loneliness or does it wail? Does it sound like the winter wind or a summer breeze? Does the soul knock loudly when disharmony of thought and action is felt or when a deep stirring of love fills one with electricity?

I wonder.

Does it sound like Tom Waits in a whiskey soaked bar or Pavorotti on the steps of the cathedral? What about Springsteen or Bono or Morrison standing in the spotlight in a concert hall? Or perhaps the soul sings like Nora Jones at sunrise, sunrise....or a Mozart symphony or a solo violinist......

I wonder.

I do wonder. Do you wonder about it too or am I the only nut in the box of chocolates?