Let the universe look after me please......

Walk away for too long in a non-aligned fashion and sometimes its darn difficult to retrace those memorable meanderings..... can you ever really backtrack? 

Walk on.  Walk on.

Stories....oh, the stories and experiences that have filtered and been felt by this crazy river girl! Accumulated touchstone people stories tucked together, colourful reckonings,  tender truths,  textured weavings of startle-charged news all stored inside me.  I havent spilled them on paper, or sketched them out.  It seems as though I've needed to remain aloof to my little blog........ I've needed to ramble in this noisy life...... you know those outside noises that demand attention?

Until I began to hear the inner growl.  The one that niggles and wiggles and pokes you inside the ribs?  The noises that push you off your presumed path into landscapes that draw your attention away from what you THINK matters.  You know, those noises you can't muffle, stifle or control because they are so big and boisterous you HAVE to listen.

Noises on the outside.......  Noises on the inside......

The walk becomes a jog, becomes a run. You can never really run away from the noises on the inside.

And then..... and then......."STOP!  LISTEN!"  says something deep inside your soul. Life trips you up into a tanglement of confusion.   It's then you come face to face with what matters.  This time, the face I was looking at when all things stopped?  My caring intuitive Doctor. 

Though a tunnel, I heard........ "it came back positive...."

WHAT? There were no lumps.  No bumps.  No sore spots.  Nothing.  WHAT?

Is it crazy to admit that I was not surprised?  My doctor is intuitive.  I am intuitive.  I knew I was going to hear her say those words.  I knew it.  Through a tunnel........ Oh my God. I knew.  Yet, there was no indication whatsoever.

As I looked into her big brown eyes, the same ones that I have looked into after I gave birth to my babies and she came into the hospital room broadly smiling to see them all wrapped in flannel nestled in my arms, when my son had croup, when my infant daughter had pneumonia ....... when I spilled my anxieties and stress over carrying too much of a load at home and work and needed time off, when my then husband had just been told he had suffered a stroke and she forcefully told us it was going to be alright, that he was going to recover fully (which he did), when I shuddered and stammered out the news of a marriage break up and asked her to take away that wretched sense of feeling discarded like a candy bar wrapper....... AS I looked into her trusting brown eyes, I heard the news.   The biopsy was positive.  I have breast cancer.

The noises stopped.  My voice became small.  I felt small.  Startled.  Alone. SO Alone.  The only thing I could do was will myself to stay in that tunnel with her.... to absorb the hopeful side of the news .... tiny .... non-invasive ..... not a death sentence..... going to be fine.... fine..... FINE ...... strong woman ..... early detection ..... caught very early  ......  to hear that she was going to be there with me for this part of my life's ride!  

"I will be there for you all the way!"  

In a matter of seconds, I jumped up from the chair in her office, whipped off my dress, unclipped my bra and demanded she do a double check exam.  No bumps..... no hurts.  Nothing.  I hear myself babbling like a fool.  "If its so tiny," I say, "can they just suck it out with a straw or something like you would venom???"  "Jesus,"  I hear myself say, "I've just come around to liking these droopy breasts of mine!!! I've always thought they were just a pain in the ass until I started dating again."  

She laughed.  I laughed.  But, I was telling the truth.  For the first time in my life, I was beginning to believe my breasts were beautiful.  An asset.  

 

"Why?" I ask, "Why did you send me in the first place?"

"I have no idea." She replies. "It was a gut feeling....."

"I had the same gut feeling."

We stand there stunned and a bit creeped out by the serendipity of the news.

I have always believed her.  She has always taken the right steps for me and my family.  It was intuition that she sent me for a diagnostic mammogram in the first place.  No other reason.  She just did it.   Thank God. She hugged me like an old friend.  We are.  Thank God she is in my life. 

_________________

STOP.  LISTEN.  Look around you.   When was the last time you reflected on your assumptions?? Those noisy mid-life assumptions?  They have been slamming me in the face, in the gut, and straight into my soul-full awareness regularly since I heard the news.  Meaningless assumptions.  They have no power now. 

 Amazing how quickly you realize that all the stuff you've been hoarding ...... everything from the grudges to the resentments, to the daily irritations slide away into an abyss called "it doesn't matter at all.........."   In a short time, which actually felt like eternity as I went through the process of "finding out...."  I've come to realize that all that burdensome shit I carry in an over-the-shoulder-satchels are heavy hitter diversions.  

Like everyone, I  use those smudgy grudges, those bitter tasting resentments and those victim inducing irritations as armour.   Protection from feeling vulnerable.  Mufflers from those tender truths that leave gouges on our hard held innocence.  

Wow.  Vulnerability never felt so raw. It arrived in a rush of prickling heat, jumbled thoughts.  Initially, the diagnosis left me ripped in two.  Disassociated.  Too numb to drive.  Sobbing until I thought I would throw up.  Then, I would remember what my doctor told me.  It was EARLY.  Non-invasive.  Treatable.   From there, those drizzled tears were tucked away.  

Responsibilities took precedence. I still had to do my job as a counsellor.  Being a Mom took top priority.  I am their lifeline.  Their leader.  Their rock solid Momma.  Always.   Other life events were happening...... celebratory ones that were more meaningful.  I was in a place of suspension going through the motions, but rarely breaking down. However, the week between hearing the original news to meeting with my surgeon was a see-saw blur of holding it together and crumpling in a heap.   

I didn't want to tell many people until I had more news....... more information.  But, the people I did share it with were so lovingly supportive.  They still are.  Now, even more.  Offering to come stay at the house, to look after us, to drive me to treatments, to help winterize the house, to make bread, scrub floors, drive kids, sit with me...... anything!  just ask, they have ALL stated.  Community of friends and family.  WOW.  

Blessings and offerings.......

Life altering lessons in a place of discomfort.  

Love, compassion, empathy, action!  This is what matters......

Joy and woe are woven fine...... hope lifts up from the dredges of woe.  Not from joy.  Woe is where hope is conceived.   

Human touch, shared tears, held and rocked....... encouragement and reminders.....

Heart to heart conversations revealed themselves in such a timely manner that it couldn't have been anything but the Grace of God. 

Mysterious ways, God reveals Grace.  Someone should talk to Him about his humour.  I mean REALLY! 

_________________

I had a dream the morning I met with the Surgeon that miraculously transformed the panic that was devouring me into lightness.  Calm, clear headed uplifting lightness.  I still quite believe it. I dreamt of a gathering.  I dreamt of a surprise encounter.  I dreamt about deep conversations with people I seemed to know well.  As I awoke from this dream,  I heard the "ME" in the dream say......... "We have no control of some things in our lives.  We have to let the universe look after us....."   

Hope had gestated.  Hope was growing like a gorgeous weed inside me, nourished by early morning light.  I felt a calm I hadn't experienced in months, much less the previous month of mammograms and a biopsy.  Solid.  Strong.  Focused.  Reconciled.  My dream left me in a place of personal reconciliation.  I was dumbfounded by the change in how I was looking at this mid-life event.  But I went with the feeling.  I let the calm feeling soothe me like a balm.  I lte it lead me.  From that moment on.  It was in that frame of mind I met with the Surgeon.  

Can you know right away that you're able to surrender your trust completely to someone you've just met?  Yes.  It happened as soon as this dynamic woman with energy and intelligence galore came bounding into the room and announced "You're the reason why we want every woman to have a diagnostic mammogram!  You're the poster girl!  Your breast cancer?  It's stage 0!  Its so tiny........... let me show you a diagram."  

 From there, the conversation went into detail.  She described the gameplan.  She told me that scar may not be pretty, but who cares, she says.  Yeah, who cares?   She told me I would need radiation.  That's the routine.  No matter how small the cancer area is.  I'm alright with that.  

It will be difficult and I have to travel to another city every day for four weeks right through the Christmas season, but my friends and family will escort me there and back.  We will sing Caroles.  We will share secrets.  We will listen to good music and sip hot tea.  We will drive through snow and maybe even stay in Saint John some nights and talk late into the night.  About stuff that matters.  We will let go of our assumptions.  Together.  On these drives.  AND we will laugh at the absurdities, and the stories we share.

_______________________________

Blessings and offerings........... my little universe is truly looking after me.  I am surrounded by love, near and far.  LOVE! 

Stage 0!  Who the hell has ever heard of that?  Is this a gift in disguise?  yes. 

Originally, I was sent for a diagnostic mammogram for no apparent reason?  Based on my Doctor's intuition?  The cancer would not have been detected until it had grown way beyond its minute boundaries if it hadn't been for me continually meeting with my Doctor while I was at the worst of my marriage grief.   

Stage 0 is where I'm at.  I'm the poster girl for getting the old floppy boobies squished in those damn picture machines.  I wonder if I can put that on my resume? 

My surgery is on Wednesday October 26th at 10 am AST.  9:00 am EST.  From there, I heal.  From there, the universe will be all around me......... as will caring people, spirit companions until the treatment and intervention is complete.  

Can I leave you dear bloggie reader and friend with one request?  Will you share a little of your light on me Wednesday morning? I'd really like to feel all that warmth.  No worries.  No negative thoughts.  No talk of survivor.  I'm NOT looking at this as a combat battle in the trenches.  I'm looking at it as a LOVE bombardment, and I need your help sending out that energy!  Because when it comes right down to it, nothing soothes any beast better than open hearted LOVE.  THAT's what matters.

Time for bed.............. dreams matter too.

emotional manipulation revisited

This is a long post, but hopefully you will find a few gems in it that may help you.  I know it's helped me understand it more deeply as I've written it....... put it aside, and then returned to it again and again.  

 I've been plugging away at it one and off for a year!  Why?  Well, of all of the topics I've posted on this blog, the one piece that is "googled" the most  (at least 4-5 times daily!) was one I wrote about over two years ago.  I continue to receive emails and comments from people all over the world who are trying to find the answers to dealing with an Emotional Manipulator in their lives.......... whether its a friend, a lover, a partner, a family member...... they are seeking out answers, looking for some understanding as to what is happening in their lives.  It is a messy topic....... one that comes from the dark side of us.  We can all relate.

We can all manipulate.  We all have this skill in us.  However, there are human beings out there, who are masters of this way of being.  For whatever reason, their lives and their internal wiring lead them into interacting with others using games and mind benders.  To me, they are one of the most difficult individuals to help.  Their needs are bottomless.  Their tactics are so hurtful.  Their ability to take ownership of their behaviour is flawed because more times than not, they don't believe there is a darn thing wrong with them.  It's the rest of the world that is messed up..........

This post is written based on my own experiences, observations, and studies.  I believe self awareness as well as the awareness of the symptoms and sickness is our best attempt as looking after ourselves.  

My first experience happened with a first boyfriend....... age 16.  He had unrelenting anxiety issues and became so ill he couldn't attend school.  I juggled both his homework and my own, trying to be helpful.  He would respond by telling me that if I broke up with him, he would kill himself.  This is where my first learning took place.  I continued on in that toxic relationship for an extra year out of fear.   No one has the right to put their life in your lap!  Oh guess what?  He lived! And every now and then, I receive an email from him at 3 am.  Out of the blue.  My stomach does backflips all these years later when I see his name in my in-box!  Crazy!!

IF we can see it, feel it, hear it, we can make the decisions to get out of the way.  We have choices........ always.  No matter what the consequences are.

____________________________________________________________

bleeding heart........

Its amazing how quickly we are drawn to the drinking fountain that spills the nectar we crave and not even recognize its damaging consequences until the sweetness rots a hole into our hearts.  Its amazing how quickly we sidestep into the same dance moves despite the fact that the music beat seems completely different than the past.  You'd think we'd learn to stay clear of these trappings.  But cravings stilt our thinking while heightening our feelings to a point where they begin to control the choices we make.  We get drawn in as fast as flames up the chimney.

SWOOSH!  Off balance and confused by the swaying persuasion of a person who uses emotionally charged tactics to get what they want, we succumb to the hypnotic allure of their game. We become victimized and are held hostage by a professional victim who knows our weak points and knows how to use an arsenal of Emotion DARTS that target our weak points  Its like playing chess with a master.  The problem is..... in the rush to play the game, we don't recognize fast enough that we have become one of his Pawns. 

How does this happen so quickly?  How do we end up emotionally tied to another person who craves control because they don't feel like they have any in their life?  How do we recognize the manipulator who smoothly uses mind manoeuvering techniques like a tonic we choose to drink?  Why does this seem to happen more often to people who are kind and full of goodness?  How do we become enablers in a game you will never win?  

The way I see it AND believe it?  It comes down to the idea that we are getting some of our own personal needs met!  

Lots of questions!  Lots of ruminations!  LOTS of time spent trying to find your footing with professional victims who use the terror filling tactics of emotional game playing. 

Ask yourself.............. Is what I am doing to help one of these victims getting me what I want??  What do I want?   What are my needs?

Ask yourself......... Which of the most important relationships in my life are spiritually and emotionally healthy? What is is about them that make them feel healthy?  Why are they healthy?  Is there a respectful balance of give and take?

 

Ask youself.... Which ones are toxic?  IN what ways are they toxic?  Why?  What am I getting out of it?

Ask yourself......... What role do I play in the push and pull of a relationship that may not be a healthy one?  What am I sacrificing of myself and my life to try to maintain/fix/change the relationship? 

We all have the same needs.  According to William Glasser, Choice Theory guru guy, our needs fall into 5 categories.  Survival, Love and Belonging, Control/Empowerment, Freedom and Fun.  That's it.  5 needs.  5 goblets...... filled or not.  If one of our goblets is nearing empty, our actions, according to Dr. Glasser focus on re-filling the need goblet.   It affects how we think, feel emotionally, feel physically and act.  In other words, it tints the lens we use to look out at the world around us because we crave to fill the emptiness.

For example, if  Love and Belonging needs goblet is empty,  thoughts turn to conjuring up statements like....."I'm unlovable.  I'm ugly.  I'm alone.  No one loves me....Nobody cares that I'm even alive." This is the biggie!!!  Emotional feelings may sour into loneliness, shame, sadness, anxiety, rejection, anger.  Physical feelings turn to hunger, belly aches, headaches, energy heaviness.  Every ache and pain is felt, which in turn twists thinking into morbidity.  

Actions??  They can run the gamut.  You may slink away into my bed and succumb to depression, or you may become the busiest butterfly flitting out and about with a broken wing in search of love. OR, if you are aware of what's happening and what the need is, you may choose a much more balanced healthier approach.  You reach out to others.  You get into counselling. You start up a project or immerse yourself in a hobby.  You learn to be still and find happiness with your own company.  

Instant gratification through sex, food, alcohol, online sexual risk taking with others out in the mean world.  It comes down to looking for that elusive unconditional love but only ever finding love with conditions.  With rules.  With "do this" and I will love you conditions.  Its amazing how far we will go to seek out love...... to feel a sense of oneness and belonging ........... to rid ourselves of our misfit persona.  Values be damned when we are empty vessels in need of affirmation.

When my "love and belonging" needs have been depleted,  I am vulnerably open to tripping into the kind of relationship that will devour instead of soothe. I try to MAKE the relationship work even if it is toxic.  They will use their manipulative charm to get their own needs met.... empowerment, control and maybe even love and belonging too!  At first glance, it appears that this relationship is a healthy partnership..... I'll scratch my back, you scratch mine scenario.  But, when you are dealing with someone whose "need cups" can never be filled..... when they are a bottomless pit of need, there is no give and take balance.  The relationship runs amok..... as the game of give, give, give and take, take, take continues until the giver has nothing left and the taker remains hungry for more.  

give, give, give......

take, take, take.....

the giver pulls away, trying to look after themselves

the taker reacts by uttering demands, threats... even to a point where they say they will harm themselves.  Even to a point where they DO harm themselves......... all in a ploy to shake up the guilt and shame of the Giver. 

We are not dealing with a person who is healthy.  Chances are, there is serious mental health issues simmering under the surface.  But, they are smart.  The anger and aggression eventually rise up through their skin, but days and weeks can go by when all seems so serene!   They need professional intervention.  Sadly, Emotional Manipulators are the last ones who will ever admit there is something wrong with them. They are professional victims. The world is out to get THEM. 

So, we need to look after ourselves.  Like they say before the plane takes off, we need to put our oxygen masks on first before we can attempt to help someone.  We need to be aware of our own needs .... this is Emotional Awareness.  This is Emotional Literacy!  Read on!!!

If all of our behaviour is our best attempt at fulfilling our needs, how much control do we have over our actions?  A heck of a lot more than we do trying to control the actions of others or their needs. We may be the most "aware" person in the whole world, sometimes our needs drive us blindly down some thorny paths even if we think we are being careful.  And the worst thorny path to find yourself tumbling down is one that is owned by an emotional manipulator.  

More often than not, this is the foundation of domestic violence, which  INCLUDES more than a husband and wife scenario.   Domestic violence  includes elder abuse, child versus parent abuse, parent/child abuse, sibling violence, extended family abuse.  Emotional, physical, sexual or a combination of all.   More often than not, the manipulators who take advantage of our goodness are family.  I've experienced it first hand through marriage.  I've read about it, studied it, and have helped others in counselling sessions try to come to terms with it.  Emotional Literacy is lifelong learning.......  I am a student.  I hope you are too. 

Incredibly smart but sadly their self image is badly damaged, people who play with someone else's emotional stability are not only difficult to recognize right away, they will never admit the games they play.  In fact, they often feign victimhood.  This is their defence. This is their "comfort zone" they fall into when they feel any sense of wrongdoing.  They are bullies seething on the verge of some serious mental health issues.  Sadly, Sociopathic behaviour remains elusive in terms of change and treatment because an Emotional Manipulator is the last person to admit there is anything wrong with them.

No one is immune to the twisty turns of a person who has the smarts to turn a relationship into one of victim and aggressor.  All we can do is be aware of our boundaries as well as our own needs.  We have to learn to protect ourselves, learn how to walk away, let go and be firm about our own health and safety.  This is very difficult to do when one is the kind of person who is considered a helper.... a doer.......... a person who has a lot of love to share.  It is almost impossible to do when the person who has NEEDS that have no bottom pit is a family member or a lover.  But, it is doable.  Usually after many attempts and situations...... we do reach a place of readiness to put down the rules!  To learn to let go and let it be rather than losing your own freedom and empowerment in your own life.  

We do have the power to offer love and compassion while not getting entangled  in the web of psychological destruction.  We do not have the power to "save" another person from their own machinations, threats and self harm when they don't want to change.  Tragically...........

Love is out there.  Good love.  Healthy love.  Humans can provide this for other humans, though we are not perfect.  When two people meet, they bring along their "needs" goblets........... its a merging of the head and heart.  A blending of goodness and compasion as well as empathy for one another is reachable.   And our guide to showing us what unconditional love is and how it can be reciprocated?  God.

Look after yourself.  See the toxic relationships through the a clarification lens.  It may take a long time to let go of the threads that bind.  No doubt it may be one of the most painful decisions to make because it leads to actions that may even feel inhumane to you at first.  Get support around you, whether its through friends, family and/or professional help.  Lean on your faith. Know there will be grieving.  Sadness.  Guilt. Shame.  Be aware that it may even feel selfish to think of yourself first.  It's all there.  It goes against the grain of our compassionate hearts.  But, it comes down to the fulfilling the very basic need of all........... Survival.  Your own.  

Love is a direction

He tells me his shoes are all scuffed from walking. ... Scuffed by the heaviness that make his knees ache under the burden and his arches throb from the extra weight.  His energy depleted, he can barely lift his feet.  Still he walks.  And walks.  With a shuffle.  A scuffed up suffering shuffle. 

At night,  he lays on his side of the bed, his body taut in buzzing anxiety, clenched jaw, tense muscles ... his unsettled heart fibrillating off beat. Erratic thoughts race through his dreams.  He is caught like a fly in a spider web as he volleys between questions and answers.   

 "I'm stuck in a place of indecision,  caused by too many to make," he says, "so I keep walking even in my sleep."

The bed....their bed......is now as comfortable as a concrete slab, unwelcoming in its reminder of what had been,  what IS, and what seems to be the conclusion....

brokenness

loneliness

fear

sorrow

guilt

shame

He can't think beyond immediacy and it hurts.  From head to toe it hurts.  His present moment has become a slivering doubt, with the lament of the past merging with the heart thumping anxiety of the future.  When he awakes from a dreamless night, his whole body aches from restless wanderings, steeped grovellings of ungranted forgiveness. It takes every ounce of energy not to roll over to face the wall as he makes himself sit up to a wave of unwelcome bile brought on by realization that its over.  It's over. 

But life still goes on despite the grief of his clenched  soul. Work, bills, meetings, appointments, family, errands, responsibilities ... listening to the drab complaints echoing all around him. There's no escaping the hum of a scuffed life.

"I have to maintain the grip," he says, "because if I let go even for a second I will fall off the ledge and break into a million pieces.  I wouldn't be fixable. It would be the end of me." So he holds on, fingertips on ledges, hoping the nightmare will end.

With memorized motions,  he shuffles off to work, his hands closed tightly,  stuffed in his pockets. He walks against the bitter  April wind.  His breathing's short snippy gasps lacks fresh air oxygen.  It shorts out his thinking,  and leaves him clouded in confusion. A clenched soul, stuck in the discomforting transition of change, numbed by too much real, feeling like if he surrenders to his feelings, he will be sucked into a vortex.   Lost in his own miserable meanderings, he rarely registers the world around him.  It's like he's formed a bubble of discontent around his body.  Love can't escape.  It can't get in either.   

For some reason this morning, he looks up from his self absorption and sees two men, homeless and huddled under a ratty wool blanket leaning against the corner of the grey brick wall away from the entrance to the park. Their winter wool caps are moth eaten worn. Their faces are haggard from a tangled hard life. He sees one of the men pull a worn lunch bag out of his jacket  pocket and take out a sandwich. 

Without a word spoken, the man carefully unwraps it, and gives half to his friend to share. As these two ragamuffin men sit in a moment of kindred serenity, oblivious to their surroundings, sharing the only food they have, the clenched souled man stops dead on the sidewalk and stares at them.  The scene pierces through his armour, as he realizes he is witnessing the essence of love. Humanity in its ordinary glory. 

 In a rush of awareness, his warm tears trickle down his cheeks.  His shoulders give way to humble gratitude.  His heart softens as his thoughts percolate with a nod towards what matters and a dismissal of all that doesn't.  In one marked moment, he lets go of the myriad of questions as he realizes he simply has to trust in love. 

 

Tired and spent but now wide awake, the bubbled of discontent bursts as he catches the eyes of the two friends sharing lunch.  He smiles at them, then wipes his nose on his coat sleeve, inhales the biggest breath of much needed air and walks on towards the little chapel he passes everyday on his way to work. Though empty and silent, the chapel still beckons.

He pulls open the heavy wooden door to find a stream of sunlight dappling through the stain glass and walks over to the pew bathed in the sun's rays. He sits quietly ..... alone .... silent, and realizes his heart pain of loneliness had lifted, replaced with the comfort that perhaps love gets lost in the jumble of complicated feelings that wax and wane.  

Once found, perhaps love is a direction. The guide.  It is how you choose to see life.  It is where you  choose to place your gaze.  He had allowed his feelings along with his stubborn will to shut himself off from the person who loved him the most.  She had done the same. 

He unclenches his hands, and gently lays his fingers together, his palms touching........and looks up at the ceiling.  Despite the uncertainty of the future, he felt a calmness bathe over him and his determination return.  In silent reverence to his new found direction he turns his face towards the beam of  sunlight and whispers the words, "thank you."  


He found the tonic for his clenched soul...... in the sharing of a sandwich.

Somebody Closer

Painting by Martha

 

 

 

My love song attempt......

 

My Somebody Closer

Just poured a second cup of coffee,

Waiting for the dawn

I'm filled with haunting memories

In the body of our song

Of a day so long forgotten

In the rippling of the years

I'm lost in your soft expression

Trying to hold back my tears.

______

Can you be my somebody closer

Instead of a figment in my dreams

Or will you haunt my waking everyday

Your laughing eyes unseen

I want to live out our memories

Our love captured in the breeze

This is my early morning yearning

Please set my heart at ease.

________

We walked away in silence

too young to see ahead

No fairy tale ending binds us

Our separate ways instead

Yet through the fog of lonely

I see your shadow on my soul

I'm aching for your fingers touch

Your roughworn hand to hold.

______

Can you be my somebody closer
Instead of a figment in my dreams
Or will you haunt my waking everyday
Your laughing eyes unseen
I want to live out our memories
Our love captured in the breeze
This is my early morning yearning
Please set my heart at ease. 

_______

On days when I am busy

On days when peace alights

I feel a stirring you're still near me

Like you're just within my sights

Then, I look up and all around me

Your real presence isn't true

Our lives unfolded separately 

Yet my heart's still yearns for you.

 ____________________

Can you be my somebody closer
Instead of a figment in my dreams
Or will you haunt my waking everyday
Your laughing eyes unseen
I want to live out our memories
Our love captured in the breeze
This is my early morning yearning
Please set my heart at ease. 

Happy Valentine's Day to my "somebody closer...."

inspirations, gifts and blessings..... 2010

Sunday morning, the phone rang as I was getting ready for church while wondering if my friend Maureen would be at the service.  Of course it was her on the other end of the phone, wondering if I was going and if I could pick her up.  Same wavelength. That's how our friendship has evolved over the past year......... on a synchronistic grace note woven beautifully into good timing.

We've known one another since our eldest children were toddlers.  Our youngest, who are now 13 years old are only a few months apart and have been friends since kindergarten.  But, for circumstances and strange reasons that will remain unknown our friendship never developed beyond acquaintance.  Interestingly, we both instinctively knew we would eventually connect in a meaningful way.  It has always been "meant to be....."

Our conversation along the route to church was a catch up talking stream.  Surprisingly, in the 10 minutes that it took to get from her house to the pew we settled into, we just about covered it.   Why?  Because we were able to agree on the assessment of our personal 2010 journeys.  

Maureen and I  experienced life altering family issues that literally brought us to our knees and through the doors of St. Paul's United Church within a month of one another (which is where we reconnected....) and had summed it up in the same way.   Our lives now are far richer, our learning much broader, our ability to feel much deeper, our wings more unfurled, our faith tested and tasted and acted upon.  In other words, despite the pain and anguish we confronted living our own stories unfolding, we learned more in 2010 than in all the years combined.

The two most inspiring and motivating events of 2010, we shared.   To think that Maureen wasn't even a key person in my life at this time last year seems impossible.  But, that was the case.  I had no idea what she was coping with.  She had no idea what I was living.  By May, we did..... in one deep  diving conversation when we realized just how much we had to offer one another. Our gifts blended well.

By the end of June, the two of us were sitting at the front of St. Paul's United Church delivering the Sunday service together.  By December 8th, we were standing in front of the government legislature surrounded by over 1000 people who heard the call of Maureen's rally cry to support the need for treatment services for youth with complex mental health issues in this province and their families!!!  (I will write about this in another post!)  From the morning  we spent in her home office in mid October plotting and planning out her "AUDACIOUS"  vision of this rally to the BIG DAY,  our lives were intertwined in this project!  

I know I've used this blog mostly to process the deep scar feelings and angry hurts from the end of my marriage.  It has been so therapeutic to write, publish and move on.  But, it has only offered up a predominantly one sided view of how my year unfolded.   I wish I had been able to have written as regularly as I used to, because there have been SO MANY amazing moments, connections, topics, ideas I have not been able to capture here.   Today, I was inspired by my Emerald friend, Pip (a gem like no other!) who posted his 2010 list of favourites.  I thought it would be a good idea to do the same.....

Blessing:  Martha and Max.  When I looked at them on Christmas Day all smiles while opening their Santa stockings, I whispered a big thank you.

Place: My back deck last summer..... On my own or with a an old friend, to share dinner, star gaze, sip wine, listen to music, marvel at the fireflies..... when the sun was shining, or when the early evening summer breezes were cooling down the day, I found solace.  Sunrises, Sunsets..... my Saint John river flowing.  I began to heal.  I grew new roots.  I belonged.

Moment:  Canada Day.  In the woods near Petticodiac, New Brunswick with a friend.  For a few hours I sat peacefully still on a large flat rock situated right in the middle of a glorious waterfalls. Bliss defined.

Learning:  I could fill a book with all the learning I gathered up in my arms!  What guided me along were learning three pieces of wisdom I wrapped my heart in.........

Faith is a verb.

God provides minimum protection but maximum support.

Tears bring strength.

Song:  Michael Franti, Sound of Sunshine.  It pulled me up onto my feet every single time I heard it!!  Have a listen!!!

Album.... Mark Knoffler, Get Lucky.  Dont know when he recorded it.  I discovered it in 2010.  MY GOD, this whole album puts me in a place of comfort. Strikes a soul chord where tears and smiles meet.  I'll always travel in  my mind to a summer's eve sitting quietly and alone on my back deck with this playing in the background.  Here's the title track.

Author ..... John O'Donohue's book of Blessings and book on Beauty.  Neither left my side.  One blessing in particular I read quietly aloud many many mornings as a way to centre myself, as a way to find my strength.  An excerpt:

"I arise today

Blessed by all things,

Wings of breath,

Delight of eyes,

Wonder of whisper,

Intimacy of touch,

Eternity of soul,

Urgency of thought

Miracle of health

Embrace of God."

Book.... Henri Nouwen's workshop book on the Parable of the Prodigal Son.  It literally shifted my perspective and allowed me to see the issues in my life and the role I played from a very different angle.  I learned how resentful I had become and how much anger I had swallowed.  Once I realized I connected most with the Son who stayed behind, and how his resentment killed the joy in his life, I set out to let go of the chains of resentment, and began to seek joy through forgiveness.  I have returned to this book time and again since last winter when I discovered it.  Life changing. 

Hurt.... Going through yet another blip in my job when there was an attempt to clip my wings again and not allow me to be a counsellor.  Long story, but very hurtful and came at a time when I didn't have the energy or focus to fight back.  Things seem to be back on track again.  And I am in a different mindset.  Counselling isn't a vocation.  Its a calling.  It's who I am.  It's like breathing.  No matter how it is defined, I am who I am.

Personal Achievement.  Returning to church after a 30 year hiatus last March with the encouragement and love of my friend Andrea.  She held onto me that first Sunday I went with her.  I was so numb and so heartbroken, but she was there right beside me handing me kleenexes and singing hymns in my ear!  Three months later and lots and lots of love shone on me?  I stood at the front of the congregation and spoke about  "God's Abundance."  I entitled it  "Found Blessings...." a term I had read once in a John O'Donohue book.  Here is the link to the sermon......

Inspiration.... My friend Maureen.  Hands down!

Scar..... on my heart.  It is shaped like the Hope Diamond.

Gift..... Last spring when I was in such emotional pain, my friend Charles (crazy man blogger) gave me a big gold cross.  It was a gift his Priest had given him when he was going through a grieving time.  He gave me the cross to help me when I needed it.  His kindness left me teary and speechless.  That cross travelled with me wherever I went.  I held it in my hands often.  Now?  I gave it back to Charles so he can pass it on to another in need. 

Weekend..... Late October when I took part in a weekend prayer/writing retreat at a place called Tatamagouche.  Led by two beautiful women, I personally experienced two moments of enlightenment which left me changed forever. It was as soul shifting as my experience at Greenbelt in 2009 when I spent time in a place called "Soulspace...."  I need to write more about this experience as well.  I've talked about it and touched on the experience a couple of times in a few blog posts, but haven't managed to find the written words to capture it.

Thing.... My glowing blue ball, a gift from my friend JOY which sat on my back deck until the fall and brought good karma back into the home!!!!  And a few good laughs!!!! I wrote about it here!!

Frustration....... I am no farther along with doing something with my writing as I was this time last year.  I have more ideas, but my procrastination continues to bite me in the arse.  As much as I want to let my writing lead the next part of my life, I can't seem to stop jumping into things that act as diversions. HOWEVER, those diversions have been healing, helpful and have made me WHOLE! 

Bloggers...... My Emerald friend Pip's blog!.  Food for the soul.  Click HERE  

And my beautiful Aussie friend, Selma's blog.  Her prose, written from deep corners of her soul always leaves me smiling and applauding her gifts!  Selma?  You are a gem too!  And one day, we will go on a book tour together eh?  :)   Click  HERE!

Reflection.... Sitting in a Cathedral in Toronto last April, feeling such hurt and pain, I was able to find my stillness through centering prayer. Since then, I have returned to that "place" of comfort when I've needed it. Reflection has been a place i have visited the most this year as I learned the lessons of humility and forgiveness.

Gift 2 ..... All of the beautiful human beings in my life who are really angels in disguise.  You have helped me find my wings, find my voice, find my freedom, broaden my awareness,  through your love, encouragement and listening ears.  You have showered me with compassion and understanding.  I will forever be grateful.

Love .....  My handsome Scottish Frenchman from the Gaspe coast who not only has taught me about 50-licious romance, who has surprised me with glorious bouquets of spring flowers, he turned a potentially miserable day into one complete with champagne memories.  He also orchestrated the best, most hilarious first date ever by bringing journalist Jan Wong along.  (actually, he brought me along!) Merci beaucoup Monsieur McGregor.  Encore!!!

Journey ..... one blessed with an ever growing faith in God, on a path with no borders that continues to amaze me. 

Let me finish this list of Favourites with more of Father O's blessing........

"May I live this day.....

Compassionate of heart,

Clear in word,

Gracious in awareness,

Courageous in thought

Generous in love. "

shards and soles.

The soles on her shoes weren't meant to tread on long stretches of terrain littered by sharp pieces of broken dreams. Not that she was supposed to be protected from feeling pain.  She was no pampered princess.  Her life was much much easier than millions of others on this planet, but she still had her life shards to contend with.... to walk on.  With unprotected soles.

She had felt pain.  Absorbed it too. She had felt the pain of many others and allowed it to absorb inside her as well, but for some reason this process didn't streetproof her to emotionally and physically deal with the messiness from her most recent life storm that had shredded her dreams.  

Not today anyways.  Not today.  Wrong shoes.  Broken dreams.

Some days, she wore the right footwear for the hike.  Other days, she wasn't thinking and grabbed the closest ones to the front door.  Even then, she usually could manoeuver the terrain.  This time however, when she got halfway down the road, she realized the bottom of her life weathered feet weren't protected.  Her shins and calves felt the heat of exertion too as the pain of new bruises forming on her soles hurt to take another step.  With no one to guide her through this unchartered area, her confidence sagged right along with her depleting energy. 

Enough shards.  Enough pain.  Go away.

There were times too when she was convinced  her footwear was proper because she had walked the road before.  It had been no problem.  There had been no shards, no broken pieces to detour.  But, there they were!  Broken glass from tumblers that once held champange toasts, chunks of concrete that had buckled up like burnt sugar on the sides of a cake pan, limbs which once held carefree tree swings littered the way.  Potholes and puddles of standing water slicked by oily remnants from dirty dishwater.  

Everywhere she turned, she saw tattered signs from her past littering the sidewalks.  Discarded records, books and trinkets given to her out of love.  Tossed away presents she had carefully chosen and wrapped.... given from love, often with a giddy bow tied around it that giggled....."he's going to love this!"  Wind-up toys laid on their sides, photos soddened by a rainfall of tears floated towards the drain, slipped through the grates, washed away........ Shards of a life shared only to be picked up and thrown into a garbage bag strong enough not to be punctured...thick enough not to bellow out the longstanding humour once shared and seemingly only understood by the two people the stuff matters to.  

My God, we could make each other laugh........ right across a crowded room.  Does he still have that in his life?  I can't imagine. 

The wind always seemed to heckle on the days she wore the wrong shoes.  It mocked her courage while it whistled familiar tunes once so dearly embraced during the spontaneity of a Friday night soft shoe after the kids were in bed.  No more.  At one time, the music melted away any harshness.  It fueled loving tangos.  Now, it mocks as it pierces her sense of failure.  She dances alone to her wedding song as it plays in the wind of a once familiar road now littered in dreams tossed out by the man she once believed in.  She once believed, when she danced with him to an Irish Heartbeat in a beautiful dress that made her feel like she floated on air.  

Their belief in one another lasted for a very long time after that magical day. It didn't matter what shoes she wore.  They walked together, helping each other to step over the sharp life pieces.  

"Oh, won't you stay
Stay a while with your own ones
Don't ever stray
Stray so far from your own ones
For the world is so cold
Don't care nothing for your soul
You share with your own ones..."

Van Morrison, Irish Heartbeat

________________________________

You know, some days are much easier than others.  Today isn't one of them.  This is the day I walked down the aisle in the right shoes towards the right man.  We said our vows.  We promised.  24 years ago today. we looked into eachothers eyes and said "I do."  Surrounded by family who loved and supported us, by friends who believed we were meant for one another, he kissed me on the lips and on the forehead. 

From here on in, I walk barefoot and rely on my inner soul to guide me.

(ps.  this was very cathartic to write.  don't worry about me...... it's all normal feelings and I'm working through them properly.....)

embers from advent.........

It feels likes it been quite a long time since I purposefully closed the curtains on the outside world and opened the  inside windows to have a look. Ahhhhhhhh!  It seems like the only time I manage to do so is when I'm spent.... saturated with stories, pressures, overwired with connections.  

I yearn for it.  

I think about it. 

Even try to plan for it, 

but my own life churning keeps it at bay....... keeps the curtains open. 

Intentionally I avoid it until I'm at the emotional razor's edge when the sense of claustrophic lack of oxygen hovers.  

Fear.  Fear of the unknown.

Fear of it being too emotionally naked.

Vulnerable.

I know better.   I need it more often.  Yes, this morbidly open mouthed extrovert needs more quiet time than ever before.  Not just when I'm stretched out relaxing in the bathtub.  I've learned the medicinal elixirs stirring in silent mediation. It lessens the weight. It opens the pores to light.  Beautiful light.

Tonight, as I sit cuddled up in a chair which is pulled up to the fireplace,

clusters of candlelight flicker dance 

above and below,

sending blended scents of ordinary aromas.....

lingering memories I breathe in with no effort.

vanilla, lemongrass, 

clementine blossoms, iced pine,

crisp linen, seashore heather,

cranberry sweetness.

I watch the fire flicker into embers.

Draw nearer

Draw nearer

In the glowing.

Sweet whistles of captured summer rains

sizzle like birdsong

Flames waffle with the sound reminiscent of flapping sheets on the clothesline

air fillap

air fillap

air fillap

spark crackle embers tango with maple yule

send searing heat rays

kissing my barefeet cold from winter floorboards.

compressing my cheeks like the warmth from my grandmothers hands.

I close my eyes......

music filters all around me

choirs of soprano faith hit high echo notes

gently bouncing off cupolas of old cathedrals

voice instruments that soothe ancient shadows

madrigal hymns that massage tired souls

encircling my space like angel goodness

to help persuade dark thoughts to take flight.

for sorrow to latch onto white waves

capping constant rolling currents that flow past.....

thoughts float in through the open windows

and settle into my awareness

gaps, once clogged in chatter welcome the thoughts

old questions, retooled doubts,

mysteries laden with burdensome timber

accompany the thoughts, transforming them into feelings.

harsh feelings of hurt and broken promises.

I ask why.

I ask why..... again......

Why?

My stomach begins to churn again.

Restless phantoms threaten to dissolve stillness into sorrow.

I breathe in scented reassurance.... 

I breathe out relief 

I breathe in sensory enhancing trembles.

I breathe out relief mixed with grins.

Grief work

Letting realities settle.

Choirsong gently softens the edges 

turning sorrows and hurt into ashes and embers

that fall below the flames 

Sounds like flapping sheets in the wind

sweet whistles of captured summer rain

I realize stillness can only visit if one welcomes sorrow beforehand.

gloria..........

gloria.........

draw nearer

draw nearer

hallelujah

in the glowing.....

layers of forgiveness feed the fire

hallelujah

let it go

let it go

soprano faith spills into my sanctuary

bouncing off cupolas of ancient cathedrals

echoing assurance that in life we are never alone.

'tis the season when change is the most trying

when naughty newness is frowned upon

when miracles are dismissed as lies

when judgement wags the know it all finger

when transitions leave stretch marks on swollen bellies 

ready to burst under the discomfort....

Embers slowly accumulate under the dying fire

by the melted candlewax......... 

A star begins to shine brightly on forgiveness

on peace, love, acceptance and hope

Joyful hope

as we prepare for receiving the gift of birth. 

Comfort and Joy.

Comfort and Joy.....

while the choir of ancient angels harmonize hearts and souls........

Christmas is nearly here.....

 _________________________

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me open my heart to the spirit of the season.

By........

Letting me breathe in the stark realities without falling apart

Showing  me how to breathe out empathy, peacefulness and forgiveness

Please keep reminding me that the least deserving, the ones who have cause pain, who have shown no remorse in their selfish actions are the ones in my life who need to be loved the most.

Thank you God for this season of Advent and for helping me to embrace its meaning 

so as to let go of what may never have meaning.

As the embers cool from close-up fires, I am learning to let go.

I am learning.......