“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” -The Dalai Lama

I seem to be sitting on a precipice of sorts wondering where I will head with respect to many aspects of my wavering faith. High up on a ledge I sit, my legs dangling in the air....and with every breath I encounter a new question, a new doubt which leaves me baffled and lost. If only I could wake up one morning in a state of assurance instead of suspended belief. Do I need proof to cross the line from spiritual abyss to some sense of spiritual maturity? When does one know when they have developed a level of spiritual maturity? What is spiritual maturity anyways? What does it look like? I've read the term inserted in various essays and books I have picked up over the past couple of years and yet I have never questioned it until now.

My closed minded stubborness which kept the God door firmly closed for so many years completely arrested any learning or development in understanding religion. Give me proof or piss off was my attitude. I wanted hard facts...........an observed miracle........a clear sign.......a personal encounter to kick open the deadbolted door which stood between my heart and God. It didn't happen. My belief that faith needed proof suspended all and any spiritual growth.



Nothing monumental occured........no bolts of lightening, no visits from the Virgin Mary, no whispers from God happened to me when I first noticed the light filtering through the door again. It was a combination of smaller moments which arrived at a point in my life when I felt vulnerable, when my guard was down that offered the hope of possibility. I had stopped searching long ago and yet, I was holding the door closed with all my might up until this point. When I finally sat back to take a rest or maybe it was to surrender the tug of war I was having with faith versus proof........all of a sudden I began to wonder about the mystery again. I also realized how much of my energy was being wasted on keeping the Holy Spirit at bay instead of using it to ponder, question, listen..................to be open to wondering.....to be open to expanding my understanding of love.....to letting my actions as a human being be led by love for my fellow man.



Since then, I have wandered not so aimlessly asking many questions and finding some answers. And yet, I still sit outside of the formality of the church setting........high on a ledge with my legs dangling. Is it time to take a plunge? Is it time to expand my spiritual growth to become a member again within a congregation?



One of the awakening insights I had earlier on was that it didn't matter if I knew my faith was unwavering. It didn't matter if I didn't know the words to prayers or the scriptures which I learned as a young adult. The words and the stories would find me in time. No rush, because religion and spirituality is a journey and not a clear destination. I guess that's what spiritual maturity means. Human development is comprised of learning and personal growth.....emotionally, cognitively, physical and spiritually. It never stops. Our inquisitive nature feeds the need to ask, ponder, listen, absorb, wonder and wander. Spiritual maturity has no end. One doesn't receive a diploma when one achieves this milestone because it is infinitely expansive as the heavens. A degree in spiritual maturity doesn't exist even if you read every blessed purpose driven book out there.



It's all in the living..............isn't it? Living and sharing our love?



As much as I would like to continue being the captain of my own learning,of my own pace I do feel a void. I feel the need to sit in a church on a regular basis, to take part in the rituals and the flow of the service again. I need the familiarity of how it was and is and will be. Whether I find this right away or not, I think it's time to take another step out of the wilderness in order to seek out another signpost. Maybe I'll stand up on the ledge and taken a plunge, but make sure I have a harness on just in case?



I believe I'm ready to find the right pew. I wonder if they are ready for me?