charity

Charity is a way of being.

I've heard this, read this.

I try to live this way of being.......

Sometimes I mess up.

Sometimes you mess up.

We try.

It is all about living and giving. 

Living by giving. 

Loving and forgiving. 

Sharing what you can and a little bit more. 

Being kind, even when its not acknowledged. 

Even when it may not be accepted the way you expect it to be.

Giving without strings attached. 

Freely.

My way of being is the same as your way of being if we both come from kindness.

What I can give may be different than what you can. 

Our gifts aren't the same.  It's what makes us unique.

What would happen if we all gave the same gifts???

We'd end up with an overabundance of one thing

And a big void of what is needed.

Charity

What if we mess up?

What if we give the wrong gift?  
The wrong act of kindness?

What if the gift we give is misinterpreted

misconstrued

mishandled........

tossed in the dumpster right before our eyes??

How do we stop ourselves from reacting by sticking our tongue out at the ugly response?

DAMN YOUR INCONSIDERATION!  

How do we refrain from turning into a defensive kindness hoarder 

when our way of being is charity, but the way its seen isn't?

Forgiveness

No strings attached, remember?

It's hard to remember that.
Understanding without judgement
Understanding without trying to interpret motives.

 I'm OK, You're OK...... despite the type of gifts we can offer.

Despite our way of being.

Charity isn't a hand out void of human touch

A human HEART touch......

Without being touched as a human.

It's not just a couple of coins tossed into a hat without even looking

It's not just a cheque written out of guilt for tax purposes

It's not a bag of second hand clothes left on the front door of Goodwill

Without even envisioning the human being in need. 

Is it?

We do what we do because of who we are....

How we choose to be....... 

If charity is our way of being, our way of applying the purity of God's love, than is this not the way to loving thy neighbour? 

Living by giving

Loving and forgiving

Sharing what you can and then some....

With the other person lovingingly respected,

no matter what the outcome.

I am what I am........ and so are you.........

Beautifully imperfect trying to live a life of charity

and messing up every once in a while.

So be it. 
I try again.......

I'll continue to follow the star for direction.....
It sure helped those Wisemen.


I wonder what Jesus did with that pile of myrrh??

That crazy moon.......

 

On this day, the first of December, I was mooned.  Continuously.....

This morning under a deep greyblue dramatic sky I spotted the moon glowing in the west over the river horizon.  Caught by predawn reflections, it was on fire....... a large golden orb of light so grand it seemed like a shining illusion.  I've never seen anything quite like it........didn't quite believe my own eyes.   It only lasted a few minutes and then it was gone...... the lit up moon disappeared.

When daylight arrived it reappeared, dressed in white.  This moon hung on high all day long ......... or was it a reflection?  The skies held onto a robin's egg blue shade, with clouds so perfectly puffy it felt like the vista was really a canvas creation rendered by an artist.  It didn't seem real.  

At the end of my workday, around 5pm, I hopped in my car to head home.  The sky was an indigo blue and the perfectly puffy clouds had all but disappeared.  Perched on top of the silver metal roof, which adorns a big rambling blue house was the moon again.  Round full......... persistantly bold, framed by the brick chimney and the roof pitch like it was wedged in there ..... like it was trying to play hide and seek.

By the time I had to turn around and head back out into the December evening to teach my Counselling class, that crazy moon had unhooked from the rooftops and floated up over the river glimmering in city lights.  I drove east towards it, hoping we would meet up face to face.  But it always stayed the same distance away from me.  How did it do that? 

Tonight, as I walked to my car after teaching my class on campus,  I looked for the moon again.  It didn't disappoint me.  There it was, glowing a flourescent hum inside a midnight blue sky high above the old oak trees.... their bare branches silouetted by lamplight.  I swear it winked at me. 

 Hey sassy moon!  Tomorrow you'll be full.  Then what? The full monty??

love thy neighbour...

"love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you........"

The other day, I had a conversation with a friend about the difficulty we humans have in applying "love thy neighbour" consistently.  We agreed that it is one of the most trampled on golden rule in life.  Why do people behave the way they do?  Why is it so difficult to accept how some people behave the way they do?  Let me turn it onto myself.......... why do I behave the way I do?  And why is it so difficult for people to accept how I behave the way I do?

What gets in the way of acceptance....... of living a life of loving thy neighbour?

Feelings.........

Opinions.....

Judgement.......

Ego driven reactions.......

A sense of feeling threatened.....

Misunderstandings...

Misread actions....

Perceived aggression.....

Lack of Confidence

A sense of Bravado..... used as a defence.

Guilt

Embarrassment

Misinterpreted intentions....

Confusion and oversensitivity.

WE take things too personally.

Unforgiving attitude

Past hurts stirred up

Fear.

We impose our responses from a place of pure feeling, and if our emotions are flooding our brains, its difficult to think straight..... to interpret the messages in any other way except through one narrow lens sabotaged by heightened emotions.  Our filtering systems grow dusty particles from past exchanges, past triggering experiences.  What seems like a separate incident during an interchange is often just the tip of deep iceberg feelings.

Love comes in a variety of flavours.  CS Lewis places Love into four categories.....Affection, Friendship, Eros and Charity.  Affection rings out to give to another.  We express our affection to everyone from strangers, first encounters and people on the street to others whom we know within our circle of community.  Friendship is companionship with someone you have much in common with.  Eros is intimate love.  And Charity represents the unconditional love we pass on as God does.  This is where "love thy neighbour" derives from.   

The four loves are not separate entities.  They really aren't like petals.  Rather, they are intertwining links that impact and enhance one another.  They also have much in common.  Lewis writes,  "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

"Love is a doing word," wrote Pip on his blog yesterday ....... If you don't exercise it, it will lose any strength, any ooomph, any magic.  You run the risk of never fully living out loud, surprised by joy.  Like Lewis states, if you don't risk giving love, you will become impenetrable.  

The problem with the doing is that it may leading to the bruising.  It's a bit of a conundrum.   Entanglements weep frustrations...... if you've been burned by experiences when love led to your heart being wrung out, there's a good chance you will be very hesitant to do it again.  Love thy neighbour FEELS like an impossibility.  Charity is held back, embraced by the fear of being hurt.   Can't DO if you can't see beyond the barriers brought one by those misinterpretations of behaviour. 

I don't know how one can undo past weeping entanglements that produce the feelings that choke the ability to reach out and love their neighbour, except to let them be.  Easier said than done, but sometimes its the only way.  Let those past hurts be, and step away.  Drop the predictions.  Unwarp the expectations.  Let them be.  I think thats called being charitable to yourself. Maybe charity comes with the ability to forgive?

Love is a doing word.... an action ........... both outwardly and inwardly..... What a shame it would be to remain stuck in an old moment and miss out on making a difference in the life of another by reclaiming the ability to be vulnerable. Now, if we only had the guts to give it a whirl.....

"love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you........"

poker face....nah!

Is there really such a thing as a neutral facial expression?  Is it possible to hide all of our emotions from another person?  If all it takes is one little cheek flutter, one speck of a face tic, one blink longer than the other, a lick of the lips, a downturned look, a quickening flush of colour.........just one of those finger on the nose movements to communicate that something is afoot, how can anyone boast about having a poker face? 

Stare into the eyes of another a little longer than you usually do, and the game is on to figure out the thoughts of another.  What are trying to convey?  Interest? Sexual desire? Are you trying to intimidate the other person?  If you turn them away too quickly, are you hiding something? Feeling uncomfortable? Lying? Or are you just taking a break and thinking about a response?

More times than not, we aren't even aware of our own message projections.  They become so much of our pattern of communicating, they spill out unthinkingly.  When was the last time you consciously thought about the messages you inadvertently passed on?  When was the last time you read the person's face talk and got it completely right??? 

The human interaction game has some rules, but retains a sense of puzzling mystery........ enough to keep us interested in playing because we all hold different cards based on our comfort level, our personalities, our skills and gifts.  It is fraught with underlying motives, layered in with a level of attraction,  repressed feelings, thoughts and past experiences.  Wounds from broken down attempts at connecting with another play a part too.  As do our past successes in smoothly going where no one else has penetrated before. 

Some people exude a sense of confidence, an attractiveness which acts like a magnet, pulling others into their space.  Do you know anyone like that?  Are you like that?? Charisma.  Energy. An alluring smile.  They are masters at the game of human interaction, moving from a flirtatious coyness to a determined yet friendly approach that can make someone else feel like they're the only person in the world that matters right then and there!  Fascinating!  Where do they learn this skill?  Is it an inherent thing, or do we learn through modelling and observing other's expressions as children?? Not one word need to be spoken, and yet the energy emanating between two people radiates with such an aura that it seems to be in colour.  

According to Eric Berne, the Transactual Analysis guru,  "games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away...." The game of interaction holds many rules.....but it comes down to how close you want to be with another, and how close they want to be with you.  Sometimes it is a cat and mouse game...... I'm OK, You're Not OK.......  Sometimes it can be a mouse and cat game ..... I'm not OK, You're OK.  Sometimes the energy between two people is so repelling or perhaps the opposite, so electric that its too frightening to contemplate intimacy, and it turns into two bears vying for the same cave... I'm not OK, You're not OK.   

Ah, but then there are times when two people, under the right circumstances, in the right moodlight, with the right chemistry and with the ability to read the facial expressions, the body language, the intentions behind the game that they drop the pretences, relax and move into a place of spiritual intimacy that can only be considered a perfect match.  No more games......... Just an I'm OK, You're OK checkmate.  It's lovely when that happens........... 

Today's writing prompt from Sunday Scribblings is "games."  Though I do love a good game of cribbage, and have been known get all heated over a game of scrabble.......... the human race game is the one I prefer to play.  For more game playing interpretations, check out Sunday Scribblings.....

rekindling......

I awoke from a tossed up dream and made my way in the dark to the room where the warm embers lingered.  Surprisingly, the last flame from the evening before had held on, throwing off leftover heat as the grate filled with its ashes. Like it was waiting for me to find it again.  It was a lonely sight, a lonely glow with little strength to hold onto.  For a while, I let it die down and was going to let it simply settle into cooling .... I didn't think I should start it up again at this late hour.  But, something inside me felt the need to rekindle the flame.... to bring it back to life again.  I don't know why.  I guess I needed its company.  I needed reassurance. 

Layered with dry sticks crisscrossed on top of the embers, the fire took no time to re-ignite.  I heard it at first.... the puff of it catching its breath, of it choosing to transform from dying to rebirth.  Flames, young and tiny at first,  leapt between the sticks and wrapped around memories of long ago hearth blazes.  With an ancient yearning, it stretched up as I fed it larger limbs and listened to it draw more strength into itself.  

I sat warmly close to the rekindled flame and listened carefully. I could hear the last vestiges of life in the timber... lickwhistling haunts from the tenderdrops of moisture, hollow winds pulling up into the flue, tinkling sparks crackling a melody only a fire can speak.  I watched the bark curl up with taut precision, arcing like stretched toes out and away from protective limbs as the wood noisily snapped in defiance.  As the relit fire reached a new crescendo, its heat forced me to step away to observe it from a safer distance.  I realized how delicately dangerous it is to rekindle a flame.  I realized too just how soothing it is to sit close and bask in its affirming melody.  

I know this song.  I know its nostalgic voice as it echos the same thoughts simmering inside my own staring mood.   As I finish writing this piece, there are two small flames left billowing...... one is flickering from the last limb and the other is dancing in its reflection..... Let me feed it again.  
I don't want it to die out.  I don't want to be left holding ashes of what may have been ..... Ever.   

tears

Tears find me easily.  They always have.  Stick with me long enough in person and you will see my waterworks.  Sometimes they are so surprising and I stand there, my breath caught in a moment, wondering where they even came from.  Sometimes they are the logical response to a moving situation.  Tears spill out in anger, frustration, in sadness and in complete and utter joy.

Memories can conjure up a good cry, as can a regret.  A moving story, new to me, can generate a pool of salty liquid sitting right on the ledge of my eyes. Deep frustration over a head banging situation has the capacity to alter my demeanor.  I've cried at weddings, concerts, funerals......i've spilled tears over a new baby, over a moving story of determination, when I'm tired and have lost the ability to maintain my sense of independence.  I've cried big whopping tears of joy too with my senses are overwhelmed by the face of beauty.  Put on a song that moves me and I often close my eyes and let the tears leak through............. If I'm misunderstood, and misused time and again, like I was in my previous job, I seem to lose all sense of decorum quickly.  Harrassment does that. 

No matter what kind of tears they are however, their genesis comes from a rush of emotional heat. A harkening sign from my body.  A flushing whoosh of out of control energy invades my logic, my clear head and leaves me feeling like a tiny little girl in need of someone to look at me with a softening understanding.  Its rare that they feel empowering.  Rather, they soak the core of vulnerability and leave you feeling naked......with no guard.  No guard......... Many don't like that feeling.

There are situations when I don't like to be feeling that raw.  It gets in the way of functioning with both oars in the water when you need them most. Crying is a natural reaction, though some people are fearfully uncomfortable either crying themselves or being in the presence of someone else whose feeling so deeply that it pours out and spills down their cheeks. I rarely care about someone else's reaction to my tears though becuase I've learned that I can't control how my tears make them feel.  It's their stuff, not mine. When the streaks come trinkling down their cheeks, I'm fine with it......... how effective would I be as a counsellor if I couldn't accept someone else crying?  Yes, the tissues are plentiful in my office.

Tears communicate both outwardly and inwardly and its the inward stuff I am most interested in because they are such big cues to whatever has been triggered inside.  They find you and send up little rays of light to help you figure out what is happening in your core..... a refreshed irritation moment perhaps?  Grief, loneliness, lost love....this is one side of the gamut of reasons.  Joy, of being understood, of realizing you are loved by another....this is the other side. Grace is often packaged inside a teardrop don't you think?

My list is endless........my tears flow when they need to.  How about you?  Are there certain memories or situatioins you find yourself at a loss ...........at a point where tears find you?  What are your triggers?  And if you don't cry openly, why not?  Where do the tears go if they are turned inward?

And yes, I had a good cry today...............right in the middle of it, leaving me with streaky mascara and a sense of soul fatigue afterwards.  How about you?  Any tears flowing on your end?

eros

when night stirs tangled secrets

my mystic smiles the blues

his soul seeps out of his knowing eyes

from the music others can't hear
and moves to the pulse of creation.

tangled sorrows wracked in parched emptiness
call out behind lonely shadows

of
desert wanderings leading to lost steps
frightened by illusions caught in the wind.

come, come.....join me, he entices...
Let me take you on an adventure
deep into the holy cavern of the heart.
where mysteries unravel in song and dance....
where comfort embraces vulnerable souls
where judgment holds no key
where touch heals.
touch heals.....
loving touch heals.

he wraps his arms around my sadness,
his gaze looks straight into my eyes
while I spin into the rhythm of this journey
where tears and laughter are one in the same

where love gestates 

and blossoms into the ability 

to see through that lens called beauty.

"If you fail to love, is it because you don't have enough? or - do you keep it all for yourself?"  This is the question posed by my emerald friend Pip.  Like many of his questions, both on his blog and on that oh so silly satirical place called facebook, where friends meet..... I was left pondering.  I can always count on Pip for a blink and a think.  Of course, it left me tangled up in additional questions...... like a good ponder should.  For anyone who fails to love, is it because they have never been invited to the holy bottom of the heart where beauty dwells?  Or is it because they've never been offered the map to this vulnerable island? 

Though we are all born with the ability to express our feelings, we all require guidance.  If we miss out, we are left standing off to the side of the road without a hope of finding our way.

All it takes is one human to hold out their hand to another human ........

To say out loud.....

You are a beautiful gift from God. 

The key is to help the person believe it... 

It's an unconditional thing isn't it? 

Fail to love?  Maybe temporarily. Everyone has an abundance to give. Sometimes life's stumbling grumbling messes clog the passageways with the belief that they don't deserve love, therefore they can't give it? Or maybe they've tried too many times and it was left untethered or worn out abused?  Whatever the story is behind the feeling of failure...... as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter.  When it comes to giving love, may we have the awareness to give it to the ones who feel like they don't know how to themselves......  without question.......