Friday, November 20, 2009

hurt




4 am feeds on a loneliness wrought with serpentine emotions .  Night watches time differently as it moves in a dream state, filtering our reflections and fears through glass altering truth. We may have moments of clarity in the deep forest of the dark night, but for the most part the monsters of internal doubt blur our sleep deprived imaginations. Lost love wraps itself in the misery of wet tears and the curling smoke from the end of the last cigarette.  Echoes of accusations, crawl under the skin, spreading goosebump guilt inside a broken spirit. Alone.  Tormented by a ballad ripe with truth. 


Someone turn the lights back on
I'll love you til all time is gone
You haven't looked at me that way in years
But I'm still here.
Tom Waits



Thursday, November 19, 2009

out of the blue..........


 the old craft shop, where it all began.


sometimes a smile finds me when i'm least expecting it
I may not expect it, but I always know where it has journeyed from.
It comes from you.

Out of the blue, I'm captured by a twinkling moment
when you squeezed my shoulder as you walked by
when you looked over at me from across the noisy room
when you were sitting beside me and all at once we turned our heads at the same time
like we knew it was time to really look into each others eyes

My smile arrives when I remember how my heart felt
uplifted
hopeful
fresh
excited
like a shooting star in a sky so full of night magic.
it still skips a beat
when the smile from you arrives..........

sometimes a smile finds me when I'm least expecting it
but when I need it the most.
out of the blue, it comes from you.
it's like you know when to send me reassurance
that I matter.
still matter to you.

sometimes i find myself stopped in mid stride
my focus is beyond the farthest point I can see with my naked eye
to where you are
out there living
Can you feel me there with you?
out of the blue, I return a smile to you.

it's what kindred spirits do for one another.
without even thinking twice.....



Wednesday, November 18, 2009

what does it mean?




Silence is not a void of noise and activity.  Rather, it is filled with the grace of interconnected thoughts and feelings, wishes and desires.   It can be manipulated as a control seeking weapon to create an off kilter feeling for others or released as a soothing hand of peace. 



Kept to oneself or shared with another, 
silence can be

disturbing
calculatingly frosty
comforting
loving
questionable
uncomfortable
fractured
broken
bonding
beautiful
confusing
reassuring
resting
life ending
life affirming
sorrowful
hushed in hesitation

trapped
tempting
angry
meditative
prayer-full
eternal
drowning
contemplative

depressing
hibernating
struggling
restful even breathing

freeing
breathlessly loving

embracing
intense
noisy!

softening
surrendering
trying
irritating

frightening

intimate
reverentially refreshing
mysterious



Is it no wonder we struggle to interpret the silence of another? Its meaning is so broad.  Why?  Is it because silence is always tied to cause and effect...........? What precipitated it?  What is the reason behind the silence?  Why have you chosen to be silent today?  Silence is not a void of noise and activity.  The type of silence we choose communicates messages to all..........


What does your silence mean today?  How do you think others are interpreting it? How are you receiving the silence of others around you?  How does it make you feel??

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

a walk around the block.....



When mornings are heated by the intensity of counselling sessions, a noon hour walk is a must.  It clears the old noggin, and allows me to lose myself a bit through the lens of my camera.  Somehow the very act of seeking out colours, lines, designs, angles with my own internal lens, I can draw out all that I'm withholding in my cluttered brain.  It helps me refocus for the afternoon portion of my job.  





I often feel like I travel many miles within the course of a day interacting with other individuals.  Sometimes it feels like a very bumpy road.... sometimes it feels like the trip takes no time.  Sometimes it is draining, filled with more rest stops than normal, just to catch one's breath. Many times, there is relief, progress, change, happiness, anger.... heart touching stuff, all of it.  

Broken and beautiful.......healed and stronger.



Travelling with another through snippets of their lives is always astonishing.... always a blessing.  It's a blessing because it doesn't happen if trust isn't established.  It doesn't happen unless a connection is made between the two of you.  To me, this is the most fulfilling type of travel I can think of.  To learn to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.  


When I'm involved in listening to someone's life story, I try my best to concentrate as much as I can.... in order to absorb the nuances and meaning behind what someone has decided to share.  Cues from the non verbal stuff feeds the intuitive nature of counselling.  As much as I love it, in order to continue on, I have to seek out balance..... I have to clear my head in order to be ready for another trip with someone........... 


A walk around the block with my camera companion is always the best way for me to find that balance again.......... that and a good cup of tea.   These chosen photos are my favourites from today's little jaunt under blue, blue November skies........



Travel is the photo theme over at Carmi's this week............for more travel shots, check out his blog.  You won't be disappointed.......... I always love that trip to Written Inc.

Monday, November 16, 2009

whiskey soaked silence




stumbling here on this endless night

trying to wrestle getting it right
numbed by reality
tired of it all
can't get you in focus
can't get you to call


fogs rolling in blinding the trees
naked bare boned knuckles and knees
scraped by its wake
bloodied and bruised
no one will want me
torn battered up used. 


I'm numbed by reality
tired of it all
can't get you in focus
can't get you to call.
I guess I don't blame you
there's no second chance
when hurt has replaced
a broken romance.


i lay here shackled wondering if He
pays any attention, hears my deep pleas
cried out sorrow
tattered old song
your love I have wasted
your trust has all gone.



night crawls with echos of your tender voice
I long to forget, I messed up my choice
yearned and forgotten
i lie here alone
aching for nearness
chilled to the bone. 


sleep is a memory fading away
replaced by loud silence covered in grey
ripped from your faith
blame shares my skin
even Jesus has left me
distrust soaked in sin.


I'm numbed by reality
tired of it all
can't get you in focus
can't get you to call.
I guess I don't blame you
there's no second chance
when hurt has replaced
a broken romance.


my tip of the hat to Mr. Waits.....


sometimes, i just wish my feelings could sleep and not continue to flood.  that's never been the case, though.  they lead me more than i even admit to myself..... sometimes to a point where i end up sitting in a thick fog with too much vision.  it's ugly.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

roots




If our roots aren't dipped in empathy, how does one acquire it?  If we have only experienced insufferable emotional blows as we grow from our roots, and never have had the experience of empathy immersion, how do we know what it feels like to be bathed in compassion?  If our soul has been pummeled by angry fists and hoofed by steel-toed boots, how do we learn to love ourselves?

We only learn survival behaviour.  Nasty retorts, cowering fear, rage fueled outbursts, or complete emotional shut down numbness..... all for self protection.  No win-win here.  Just a series of serious stumbling over bad decisions, poor choices, ineffective means of connecting.   Still there is a deep hunger to be loved.

Lose-Lose equals  Lonely-Lonely

There's a spiraling effect, which turns into a self fulfilling prophecy.  Believe you're unloved, you will act like you're unloved.  Believe you deserve to be treated poorly, you will act like you don't give a damn about yourself or others.  Sometimes, if you believe you're owed a better life because of all that you've endured, you demand it in a way that stomps on others.  Entitlement overkill.  This perpetual unlovely behaviour squeezes any semblance of empathy right out of touch. It distorts clear minded thinking.  It spoils the sweet aroma of sensitivity and compassion.  It twists logic until it chokes on bile.

If there is a continuous taste of bile and a stomach churning up angry acid, how can you feel empathy?  You can't.  The pain is too red raw........... there is no lining left..... no protective tissues to console.

Is there any way to feed those  roots....the same ones that have been neglected since childhood? Sometimes, it's impossible.  Damage is so deeply embedded that it seems to chemically alter the brain somehow.  Though I am no scientist, I have met my fair share of people who are either born with the inability to feel empathy for others, or whose reslience has been worn down, forced by a life of abuse.  The capacity to dig into the soulpocket where empathy dwells just isn't there. Maybe the learning issue is more than making a choice to look through the eyes of another.  Maybe there is a physical manifestation of psychological damage?  Maybe the roots are dangerously tainted by psychopathology.

Sometimes it IS possible to help someone by feeding their roots.  How?

By choosing to love the unlovely.  
By allowing them to listen to the stories of the people they may have negatively impacted.
By allowing them to tell their story.
By encouraging and encouraging their willingness to change.... to reform, transform, stand on a new platform....... 
By accepting vulnerability as a state of mind worthy of our trust in learning and growth.

By mentoring through actions and guiding....... role modellng the softening melt that happens when forgiveness is the goal.
By recognizing that every single human being is made from the same fabric, the same ingredients.
By wrapping our faith around the belief that we are all players within the Body of Christ. 

It's a lot of work........a lot of effort.  Our natural inclination is to stay within our own belief system... our own way of seeing the world and how it impacts us.  If only we can step out and look through a different lens.  


It's a Grace of God go I thing.........even if you believe there is no hope in empathy transformation. 

ps.... this theory is in the process of being tested.........and continues this week.  

Friday, November 13, 2009

tangerine pink kisses




"Hey Muskie, can you encapsulate your week in one sentence?"

"Sure!  It was a week when I have been emotionally absorbed by funerals, cartwheels and human spirals.  In other words, I was captured by deep sadness, relieving gladness and challenging madness."

"That's two sentences."

"oh.  Clearly I need an editor.  Can I add a bit more?"

"Why not?  You're the one with your fingers on the keyboard...."


"True....I AM the master of this domain.   No matter how sad, glad or mad it was, the serenity I felt at the end of today while driving home along the tranquil Saint John River towards the glorious setting sun filled me with awe.  Like I was smothered in tangerine pink kisses. Thank you God.  You blow my mind.  Daily."