resentment as dark as a long night

A noticeable crimson tinged  her cheeks stemming from a wave of heat spilling out of her bones while she stood there listening to the same weary words. Extreme opinionated garbage spewed out in a manner that reeked of disturbing righteousness.  Caught in the time between flashbacks and the same old thing, she nodded politely while her flesh rippled in defence.

She never complained. Nor did she ever dispute the person standing in front of her rambling on in a self absorbed manner..... sermonizing beliefs like they were gospel.  She never stopped the conversation even though this other person's diatribe scratched her sensibilities, plucked her anger, and rubbed against  her values.  "No one really wanted to hear what she had to say," she thought.  "So what's the point of fueling a potential head butting confrontation with someone wearing blinders?"

Instead, she swallowed.  
That was what she was taught to do. 

Chew with your mouth closed and swallow.  
Hard.

Stuff it down.  

"All of it,"  the voices bellowed inside her head.

Respect others.  

Don't make waves.  

Don't react emotionally. 

Learn to take it. 

Deflect.  

Intellectualize.  

Ask questions. 

Keep the conversation going on an even keel.  

No one wants to hear your opinion. 

She kept swallowing, having learned well.  As a peacemaker in a sea of entitled sharks, she learned to keep her feelings in check.  Feelings are bloody.   Sharks love to feast on the blood of emotions.  Whenever she had slipped up during her childhood  by speaking her mind, by spilling some of how she felt, the hungry sharks ripped the flesh from her soul.  The scars, invisible to the human eye were visible if one was paying attention.  Paying attention meant listening for what wasn't being said.  Few bothered.

Over the years when the voices around her rose above the emotional timber treeline she learned quickly  to step into the woods ..... to cover herself with armour.  Unfortunately, the armour was such a heavy burden.  It was getting rusty too.  Holes were beginning to form.  Cracks in the armour began to exhale used up air out allowing the  noisy scratchy emotions to seep through. 

Echos from apparitions.  

Long ago arguments.  

Nasty accusations.  

Emotional manipulation.  

Screeching.  Bleeding.  

Ripped muscles on bones.  

Abandoned kindness.  

Unresolved meaning.  

There was no escaping the hurt as it pounced on the stored feelings.  The bottled up, swallowed up unresolved conflict turned into a resentment as dark as a long night.

Raging fear had accumulated deep in her bruised soul.  It had been stirred as it stewed, moving right into the marrow.  Sinewy sins percolated as she ran the other way......... away from the powerful need to 

SHOUT! SCREAM! ACT OUT!  EXPRESS HERSELF!  

But that wasn't allowed she told herself.  That wasn't being good.  It wasn't kind.  Besides, no one really cared about what she thought or how she felt.  Her opinions didn't matter.  She didn't matter. 

Instead............ she poured herself a double scotch, downed it in one gulp.  Then, she poured herself another and another until the resentment resided again. Just like her Mom.  She chose to be numb.

Time to take out the trash.....

For every action, there is a reaction.  

There is no reaction if there is no action.  

Change requires action.  

Action oxygenates our communities.  

Communities need change. 

Change means rising UP!  

ACTING!  

DOING!  

Communities need action for reaction.  

Communities need change. 

Change is the only antidote to apathy.  

Apathy IS the poison choking our communities. 

Apathy is the refusal to change how we think and how we feel.  IF we have the incentive to make a shift in our thinking and in our feeling, then we have the energy to ACT.

Politics is in my blood.  It was liberally poured into conversations around the dinner table from my earliest memories.  Daily newspapers and weekly magazines were always within reach.  I grew up in a household where you got involved, and you knew the issues, municipally, provincially, federally.  There was a great deal of respect for the political process.  The majority of politicians were revered and it was felt to be an honourable pursuit.

As an adolescent, my interest grew as I got involved in various campaigns.  Quickly, I felt the thrill of an election campaign.... how it could completely consume you into a world of action and strategies, of comraderie and a sense of empowerment that you could be a part of change.  Policies, opinions, all Candidates nights, door to door campaigning, putting up signs, plotting, fundraising, finding the tempo and the key issues............the cheering, the competition...... the standing up for your beliefs and sharing your voice... supporting a candidate and being right there for the whole story to unfold .... it was all a part of the FUN!

I joined a political party in my early twenties, one that wasn't the same as my parents.  I was following my own opinions and perspectives and it was through this choice that I met my future husband.  I joined because I had an unrelenting sense of idealism and a hunger to learn more, to be involved, to take a stand.   Why, because it all felt like it would matter. 

Since then, I have jumped into the backroom planning fray every once in a while, helping out a few candidates.  Normally, i have been involved in coordinating the "big day" of a convention.  It challenges the "event planner" in me as well as the bossy girl persona I can dredge up at any time.   

It is such a buzz to direct a speech demonstration....timing it right down to the second, making sure the music kicks in and the placard waving supporters know where and when to march the candidate up to the stage.  The pre-convention planning meetings with folks who also thrive in that environment, who have the same strong convictions for the candidate, but who also LOVE a good chewing debate over issues, policies, strategies fuel me with good energy.  To be a part of change........ to be a part of a movement..... of moving forward is such a BUZZ!

Fast forward to where I sit today.  I can't say that I havent thought about running for office every once in a while.  Some days the desire is strong. I have these blips of believing I could make a difference at that level of power.  My brain is wired in a way that I can read the nuances of how government works.... Critical thinking and analysis of stories, situations, policies, problems continue to be my preferred way of stretching my brain muscles.  

But, something has changed in the past couple of years.  As soon as I ponder this thought, I quickly JUMP right out of it, with a taste of disgust in my mouth.  There is no sense of reverence for our elected members.  Whatever honour was attached to dedicating one's career to this political arena has been trashed by everyone involved........ be it the elected official, the backroom gangs, the talking head media and biased journalism, the demanding public.  The whole atmosphere of entitled individualism........ the sense of "what's in it for me" has inevitably altered the way we look at our government.  AND, it has also moulded the type of people who come forward to be elected.

Like many many others, my thinking and feelings have been scabbed by the lack of integrity and maturity found in the once revered legislatures of our country.  The very idea of running for office, or even getting involved with these type of interactions.... where posturing, and pendantic behaviour is the order of the day escapes me.  Good honest Samaritan principles, which once were the cornerstone of our political system  have evaporated.  I see it, hear it, read about, feel it every single day.  

Either you observe a raving lunatic giving the middle finger salute and calling someone a punk during Question Period or you hear once again that yet another lightweight who is good at senseless pomposity, but can't for the life of him advocate or even abide by his promises or you learn about infidelity, frauding, or simply trying to do a sitspin to cover his ass!  Or, what about the chest thumping "I care about this place" people who RUN for the HILLS if anyone confronts them with their opinions?? I'm sick of it!  And it makes me want to tune it all out.   It all seems so childish.  It all seems such a waste of time. 

But, here's the glitch.  If I sit back, and you sit back........... and we all sit back together, we become the marginalized and nothing changes.  And by the grace of God, we need change around here.  Empathy, respect, honour, loyalty, advocacy, justice, and TRUST come on back!!  It's time to take the trash out.  It's time to help get a good honest human being elected.  And, I know just the right person!

I can't sit back.  Time to get involved again, because you can't orchestrate from the outside looking in.  It just doesn't work that way.  I will not run for office, but I refuse to sit on my hands, without a voice, in the margins.  Whether it will help institute change or not, who knows.  What I do know is that without action there is no reaction.  Let's just hope my stirred up passion isn't misconstrued by the fear mongering police as unfit.  Nah!  That could never happen, could it? 

unfairness

Nothing, absolutely nothing burns my ass more than unfairness.  It is deceitful, immoral, inhuman, unethical, disrespectful, underhanded, and just plain rude.  When I hear of a situation someone has found themselves in that is clearly unfair and are having a tough time trying to rectify it, I can feel my rankled nerves fire up.  Push that button in me, and seriously watch out because no one, I mean NO ONE should be treated unfairly.

In my world, unfairness revolves around castrated systems.........made up of bureaucratic tapeworms that devour living, breathing human beings and spits out faceless cut outs whose forms fit certain policy garb.  One dimensionally shaped the same, void of feeling, and emptied of any unique story that may make them an exception to a rule, faceless cut outs are much easier to contend with than the real deal. Prejudged even before the person can open their mouth.  Prejudged even before there is a face to face meeting.....if one is even arranged, and if it is arranged, the balance of power is always, always TILTED, weighed down by rules and regulation ammunition, and preconceived myths.

Unfairness reeks of injustice.  It distorts perceptions by slapping judgemental labels on the nearest victim. Empathy is laughed at. There's no room for empathy.  It's for sissies.  But you know what?  Systems can't be unfair without human beings manipulating it right?  Systems are driven by living breathing humans who bleed too...... sadly,  humans who are afraid to deviate from the fear mongering policy manual.  Is that it?  Afraid to listen, afraid to help, afraid of reprimands if they risk stepping out of the assembly line?  Perhaps it just comes down to the fear of FEELINGS??

We all have biases.  Mine is focused on unfair practises. I have no time for them. I will fight them. I will go to bat for anyone I believe is getting the shaft, who needs someone to be their designated hitter. No problem.  However, my emotions often get the best of me because of how much I am triggered by unfairness venom.   Most of the time, I don't care.  I can figure it out after the wrong has been righted............ or at least we've given it our best shot. 

Yes, I can see the big picture when it comes to the overarching reasoning behind needing structure, guidelines, rules, laws.  And Yes, I can sometimes/barely work within a system if I have some respect for it.  I'm not a pushover though I have advocated in the past for people who turned out to be frauds.  But, I do react too quickly sometimes when I see a Samson and Goliath scenario playing out. 

Today, unfairness poisoned the air all around me.  It festered and laughed hideously while jousting with a firepoker. It pissed me off!  As much as I have learned how to manipulate unprincipled actions into submission, I do know how to play the game, how to stretch the sides of a policy, how to talk nicely and even bomb it with love. Sometimes though, I slip up and let my anger lead the way.  Today, I let it rip!  On purpose.  Because I could. I punched the lights out on unfairness.  Tomorrow round two.  Bring it ON.  I'm not finished.

Yes, today was a good day.  I got an emotionally charged cerebral workout while teaching someone how to stand up for their rights.  Empowerment should never be overruled by a human driven system made for cut outs.

bully, bully.

A bully is a bruised leader with a heart that bleeds weeping nails of steel. Sadly, they don't know that they are leaders because they are too busy starring in the role of raging victim, poking holes in the souls of others. Their pattern of behaviour which ranges from brutal physical attacks to sneering body language is frighteningly abusive. They lead by overblown power.

So, how do we help those bruised bullies transform into effective leaders?

Through relationship building by finding a way to past the chrome shield that protects the heart from being hurt again.

Through fostering emotional literacy and spiritual awareness.

Through effective listening and teaching how to express emotions productively and appropriately.

Through recognition and affirmation of their stories.

Through mentoring empathy, respect for others, and kindness.

By showing how to be responsible for one's actions........ to STOP and THINK before impulsively acting out from an emotionally charged place.

By developing trust, and nurturing this fragile essence in another.

well, that's a start.........................

Patterns of behaviour are very difficult to break if what you do gets you what you want..........

deception....

Who lives on the island called Fool's Paradise surrounded by a mirage of delusionary hope? YOU DO! I know, I know ... you deny this vehemently ....

Who cries out with incessant histrionics too painfully misguided to be believable except to the one who cries the purple tears? YOU DO! Yeah...sure ... I hear your whacky explanation. I don't believe it.

How does someone function under such fantasies instead of the truth? And why? Why does someone work so damn hard not to be honest about their behaviour, both past and present? Is it because they spend all of their energy living a lie, creating many facades that NEVER interact with one another that somewhere along the line the truth has become so diluted by crocodile tears? Have they been so wounded and abused in the past that they don't have the capacity to act any differently because they really don't trust anyone? Wow, what a lot of work!

For a long time, you tried to keep me close as you manipulated your way through the maze of deception. I saw through your act ages ago. You know this.....and it terrifies you. I have become part of your deepening haunting shadow and you hate me for it. I have joined the previous folks who saw through your convoluted web and into your obsessive need to play a role, to wear a mask, to don a people pleasing persona even though deep down... the folks who clearly see that you think you're better than everyone else on this planet and this scares you to a point where you're determined to try to keep me close. Sad, pathetic, so alone YOU. Yes, entitlement is your achilles heel, as is your unrelenting belief that you are pure and unblemished.....that YOU do nothing wrong. You give, and give and give.....and why does the rest of the world not understand all that you have forfeited?

You trust no one.....NO ONE..... but like a hungry black widow, you keep this secret under wraps. Too bad your hunger is too ravenous, which at times makes you let that false skin down only to reveal your vulnerabilities.

What is interesting is that when you write.....you attempt to describe your vulnerabilities. You choose words carefully..........NOTHING comes out of you that you havent poured your energy assessing, contemplating, regurgitating. But, once someone realizes how wounded you really are, your vulnerabilities, used as weapons to trigger others seem juvenile.... pendantic.... pathetic.

What you hide, you hide from yourself. What you reveal? Here's the secret..... you reveal your sorrowful soul.... exactly what you are trying your hardest to keep under wraps. Why can't you just be honest about how you really feel, what you really think instead of trying to hammer a wedge between others? Why can't you just admit you're threatened and you need help? Why can't you come forward and admit your wrongdoings?

Why? Because the feelings you so aptly write about are feelings you never dare to embrace fully. Or maybe you do, but you can't imagine anyone else feeling the same way. It's like the intensity of how YOU feel outweighs anyone's elses. It's all very strange. I call it passive aggressive foreplay. Play on... by yourself.

What would happen if you did decide to leave the island of Fool's Paradise? Gee, maybe you'd find your soul.......and leave behind the "poor me" fashion and the "Nobody understands me" bullshit. Maybe you'd get real....to admit who you really are and learn to love yourself.

Deception....you intrigue me with your mind twisting confusion because I want to know the reason behind your need to control the relationships you eventually mess up. I wonder how you can keep things straight.... how you keep the revolving door of people in your life straight. Who have you told what whipped up story to????

I guess it comes down to the fact that you don't trust a soul. Always on the tipping point of being revealed as the con artist human you are, you never relax except when you drown yourself in the addiction of choice.....food, booze, drugs.....sex. When does it stop? Can you stop or are you suffering something greater than a good look in the mirror would help.

Can I suggest something? Can I suggest that it's time to seek help.....professional help and begin to admit the reason behind your incessant lies, rouge cheeked faces, your phoney posturing? Its time to stop the emotional manipulation. It's time to lift your veil to reveal you own brokenness. It's time to fess up, deal with whatever demons you harbour and heal.

And please stay clear of my life.... I'm sick of your head games, your lacey cheap perfumed attempts at empathy, and I won't let them or YOU interfere with my life anymore. Your mind games have become boring. The time I have spent trying to help and to figure you out has dried up.

ps....HEY! Anyone out there who has felt the whoring of deception in their lives before?? It's a mindtrip, thats for sure.

"as you think, so ye shall be...."

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in the common hours."

Thoreau

There is an intuitive place where thinking and feeling find one another and form a moment of unexpected focus. No words can match this "felt sense..." Instead, what you're left with is a vision........a picture or a symbol representing a personal dream or an obstacle in the way of fulfilling that dream. And if you were to take that initial vision a few steps beyond, it just may lead you to a vista beyond the line in the horizon.........to a place where the panoramic view is unlimited.

Our thoughts always seem to have boundaries........or perhaps it is just our inhibitions getting in the way of broadening the possibility of where our imagination can take us. We continue to step in a patterned mode, continuously repeating the same moves, the same actions even if we languish in a spiral going nowhere. Why? Because its comfortable. We are comfort seekers rather than wilderness seekers. Despite our awareness of what our needs are, or what our dreams look like, we rest easy within the confines of our bordered thinking....

Jesus said......."As you think, so ye shall be............"

Hidden potential.......what is yours? What are the changes and challenges which block you from responding to your gifts? What are you willing to do in order to reveal your hidden potential...in order to dream big? What do you need to nurture in order to move into the direction of what it is you want? How do we feed our thoughts with the passion we so often withold?

When was the last time you allowed your thinking to blend with your feelings to stretch yourself beyond the boundaries you have purposefully set up to protect yourself from escaping the tame and embracing the wild side? When we allow ourselves to focus on this type of travel, we experience the "felt sensing" moment where wisdom taps us on the temple.... where we transform into a spiritual being having a human experience.

Transformation......such a loaded word isn't it? I used to think it was an stand alone event which happened to some people connected to their religion and church. What i realize now is that transformation is an evolutionary process which may or may not be formalized through organized religion. It's a lifelong unfurling of personal growth and not a true destination endpoint. It is the type of journey which allows one to move beyond the boundaries of our defined self, of our form to advance beyond what we already know to meet, as Thoreau describes...."a success unexpected in common hours."

Eternal, infinite and life changing...this is what transformation is all about. If you are willing to be open to going beyond the original field of dreams and focusing on the place inside where the merging happens, you just never know where your intuitive nature will lead you....to a place of discomfort. To a place where uncertainty feels like your life undressed. To a place where the words are few but the dreams are open ended.....

*my thoughts after a great visioning day with the new team....***

the golden arc de triomphe

Once upon a time in the land of backyard rinks, vast wildernesses, pesky mosquitoes, testosterone expressive high sticking, and grizzlies who wrestle beavers live a bunch of boy politicians in search of a pissing contest. Representing four different parties, Leaderless, Rudderless, Unityless and Humourless, and all with seeming different agendas, these boypos (short for short boy politicians) were constantly vying for attention and thirsty for power despite the fact that they had just competed in a National election a little over a month ago. The bladders of the land were emptied out.

Many believed the election wasn't needed because it had been less than two years since the last one and things seemed to be well in hand despite it being a minority government. "Why waste the money? Why pollute the airwaves with doublespeak gooble-dee-gook?" However the leader of the Humourless party who was also the Prime Minister of the land, known for his teeny tiny humility and a hidden agenda which frightened the people of the great white north, was determined to win a majority. Given that the economy was about to tank, and that the country folk were busy Bar BQ ing roadkill on skewers (the national food) dipped in maple syrup.....too busy having their summer fun to pay attention, Humourless used the opportunity and threw down the gauntlet. The 30 million dollar pissing contest began and ended all within 6 weeks. Unfortunately, he fell a few feet short of the target. The land continued to linger in minority limbo as the economy began to make it's predictable spiral downward.



As in any election, there were remnants left on the side of the road. The Leader of the Leaderless party, whose battlecry throughout the election was "I love my country......!!" which was stolen from the sidetalkin' little guy from Shawinigan who ruled the land before Humourless PM, was cast aside very quickly in the aftermath. It was the WORST defeat in the history of the Leaderless Party. So, before people could close up their cottages for a winter's sleep, the Leaderless party members began their own internal pissing contest to pick their next boy politician contestant. Many old standards who had shown their wares before decided not to run, which left three keeners to wrestle for the golden arc de triomphe crown.....Bob, Mike and Dominic.

The Rudderless party, who never makes any inroads in any federal election somehow managed to win enough seats to douse the simmering grumbles of the caucus in order for their jackrussell laytonterrier.......the hyper leader to continue representing them in scrums across the vast wilderness. And Unityless? Well, their focus has always and will remain on Quebec separating from the rest of the great white north in order to save their culture from being swallowed up by the cowboys on the western frontier. Despite this narrow focus, Unityless came out of the election with enough urine to stay in the game and make a difference with respect to the balance of power.


As autumn's leaves fell and November's breath let off a steam when it touched the cold air, it appeared that this new Minority government would settle into the silly season of bantering through question period. It was supposed to be time for rehydration. Alas, it was not going to be the case. Humourless and his henchmen scanned the land like a game of Stratego and saw the opposition sitting back drinking their favourite beer (how a Canadian rehydrates) while discussing their own internal planning and postering. Perfect timing for bully tactics to play out.



Hmmmmmm.......thought the reigning party........"lets pull out our hidden agenda of cuts and slashes to programs and incorporate it in the national budget. What can they do to us? We'll attack the economic woes unlike the REST OF THE WORLD by NOT stimulating the economy through spending in key areas. Instead, we'll tighten the belt of the coffers, so we can say we managed to maintain a surplus. Hey, that'll work.....there will be no stinky socialist dirt on our fingers. WE are fiscally tight assed responsible. The whole wide world may be doing one thing, but we are power pissers, we can outspray any challengers. OH, and while we're at it, lets cut public funding to political parties. That'll hit them in their kissers!"


WELL! The three other parties........Leaderless, Rudderless and Unityless got wind of the new budget and cried FOUL! Humourless is trying to TOXIFY the land with his ridiculous bravado! OUTRAGEOUS! NON Monsieur! They cried in unison as they leaped off their lazyboys, beer can in hand, and headed to a hidden boardroom located in the bowels of Ottawa. Every now and then, one of them would be allowed out to be interviewed over the airwaves, but throughout the weekend, the chatter and planning continued........It was time to BEAT Mr. Humourless at his own game. It was time to form a pissing coalition.......... to outaim, outspray, outlast the urine soaked.

All weekend long, they postulated and permutated, and practised their aim while the rest of the country went about their lives attending Christmas bazaars and parades oblivious to the kerfuffle in Ottawa. Sick of their elected members bullying and threats of relieving themselves in public, the people of the land ignored the silly threats and chest pounding antics.

Until today............. when they announced a coalition...two national parties and one separatiste party have reached an agreement to take down the governing party in a non confidence vote......Quoi??


So, as the national stock exchange posted their worst day since 1987, as the dollar continued to lose strength, as the auto industry collapses, the manufacturing sector continues to pack up for parts in the Far East..........as people receive their lay off notices or are confronted with an unplanned early retirement.......as folks who have invested their savings as a means of accumulating money to live out their retirement years see it dwindled away.....as the country south of the border who has just admitted that their recession began a year ago with no end in sight BUT has a leader who is ready to take charge of change and INVEST in his own country as a way to help out their own economy....... Canada is stuck with a bunch of little boys intent on crossing swords in battle. The timing on this couldn't be worse.

And who is going to win this most recent pissing contest? Monsieur Leaderless who had been left on the side of the road a little over a month ago. He's been chosen to give it his BEST aim! From beaten up has been to Prime Minister in one season. At least we are getting rid of the bully.............let him lick the fork stuck in that humble pie. What a pompous, pompous Humourless ASS.

Stay tuned....................eh..... this is going to take a truckload of Moosehead before it's over.

betrayal

How to defend yourself against betrayal: Top 10 recommendations

1. Go live in a cave

2. Don't stick your neck out for anyone

3. Stop making friends

4. Silence yourself. Don't share any information, aspirations, communications, complications with anyone.

5. Distrust everone you encounter including the important people in your life for they are the most apt to betray.

6. Give up loving people.

7. If you have to go out, don't look anyone in the eye.

8. Stop sharing

9. Cross the busy street alone. Stop relying on a friend to hold your hand.

10. Lose all expectations that others care.

In reality, there is no defence for arming yourself against the nastiness of betrayal. If we are out there interacting with others, sticking your neck out, taking risks, living life, you're bound to be a target of it every now and then. We've all felt its sting, and we've all been the unthinking self consumed eeejit on the other end too. Ewww, when I think about being the eeejit, I feel a wash of shame flood over me.

How I feel when I have been betrayed?

lonely

tainted

unloved

ugly

discarded.

I will remember this feeling................as a way to be more respectful and kind to others in the future. It's a horrible, horrible feeling isn't it? It's all in how we behave towards our fellow human beings that matters. What else matters more than looking out for one another with love and honour?

love, love, love.................is all you need....

I don't plan on adhering to these 10 recommendations. It's not in me. I thrive on the interactions and connections I have every single day. But, I think I need some time to let go of these feelings I have after experiencing a big betrayal and move on. I have had the worst time trying to write over the past week because of the bitterness I taste and seem to be holding onto. Somehow it has to be resolved, but right now things are complicatedly impacting my thinking, feeling and doing.........every time I sit down to write, I'm consumed with hurt and anger and can't get beyond it. This isn't the place where I want to write from because what seems to emerge is vindictiveness and bile. Not good. I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself.

Gotta find beauty again. Gotta find my confidence again because it has taken a serious blow. However, if I look at it philosophically, remembering what I have read, what I have learned from my friends, and what I have learned through my own desire to seek out a deeper awareness of faith, I can see this latest setback as another chance to strip away that ego defensive stuff and recognize that I am but one cell tucked away.

Transformative? Maybe a little step towards that. Do these frigging steps ever get easy? Do we ever get an easy step ever??

I think it's normal to want to lash out after being cornered by a slap in the face betrayal. In the long run however it's not going to help matters if I react with the feelings I'm harbouring. It'll only make it worse. So, I'll be back when the run of shit luck blows away with the grey cloud that seems to be hovering over my umbrella. I just need some time to look after my wounds.