emotional manipulation revisited

This is a long post, but hopefully you will find a few gems in it that may help you.  I know it's helped me understand it more deeply as I've written it....... put it aside, and then returned to it again and again.  

 I've been plugging away at it one and off for a year!  Why?  Well, of all of the topics I've posted on this blog, the one piece that is "googled" the most  (at least 4-5 times daily!) was one I wrote about over two years ago.  I continue to receive emails and comments from people all over the world who are trying to find the answers to dealing with an Emotional Manipulator in their lives.......... whether its a friend, a lover, a partner, a family member...... they are seeking out answers, looking for some understanding as to what is happening in their lives.  It is a messy topic....... one that comes from the dark side of us.  We can all relate.

We can all manipulate.  We all have this skill in us.  However, there are human beings out there, who are masters of this way of being.  For whatever reason, their lives and their internal wiring lead them into interacting with others using games and mind benders.  To me, they are one of the most difficult individuals to help.  Their needs are bottomless.  Their tactics are so hurtful.  Their ability to take ownership of their behaviour is flawed because more times than not, they don't believe there is a darn thing wrong with them.  It's the rest of the world that is messed up..........

This post is written based on my own experiences, observations, and studies.  I believe self awareness as well as the awareness of the symptoms and sickness is our best attempt as looking after ourselves.  

My first experience happened with a first boyfriend....... age 16.  He had unrelenting anxiety issues and became so ill he couldn't attend school.  I juggled both his homework and my own, trying to be helpful.  He would respond by telling me that if I broke up with him, he would kill himself.  This is where my first learning took place.  I continued on in that toxic relationship for an extra year out of fear.   No one has the right to put their life in your lap!  Oh guess what?  He lived! And every now and then, I receive an email from him at 3 am.  Out of the blue.  My stomach does backflips all these years later when I see his name in my in-box!  Crazy!!

IF we can see it, feel it, hear it, we can make the decisions to get out of the way.  We have choices........ always.  No matter what the consequences are.

____________________________________________________________

bleeding heart........

Its amazing how quickly we are drawn to the drinking fountain that spills the nectar we crave and not even recognize its damaging consequences until the sweetness rots a hole into our hearts.  Its amazing how quickly we sidestep into the same dance moves despite the fact that the music beat seems completely different than the past.  You'd think we'd learn to stay clear of these trappings.  But cravings stilt our thinking while heightening our feelings to a point where they begin to control the choices we make.  We get drawn in as fast as flames up the chimney.

SWOOSH!  Off balance and confused by the swaying persuasion of a person who uses emotionally charged tactics to get what they want, we succumb to the hypnotic allure of their game. We become victimized and are held hostage by a professional victim who knows our weak points and knows how to use an arsenal of Emotion DARTS that target our weak points  Its like playing chess with a master.  The problem is..... in the rush to play the game, we don't recognize fast enough that we have become one of his Pawns. 

How does this happen so quickly?  How do we end up emotionally tied to another person who craves control because they don't feel like they have any in their life?  How do we recognize the manipulator who smoothly uses mind manoeuvering techniques like a tonic we choose to drink?  Why does this seem to happen more often to people who are kind and full of goodness?  How do we become enablers in a game you will never win?  

The way I see it AND believe it?  It comes down to the idea that we are getting some of our own personal needs met!  

Lots of questions!  Lots of ruminations!  LOTS of time spent trying to find your footing with professional victims who use the terror filling tactics of emotional game playing. 

Ask yourself.............. Is what I am doing to help one of these victims getting me what I want??  What do I want?   What are my needs?

Ask yourself......... Which of the most important relationships in my life are spiritually and emotionally healthy? What is is about them that make them feel healthy?  Why are they healthy?  Is there a respectful balance of give and take?

 

Ask youself.... Which ones are toxic?  IN what ways are they toxic?  Why?  What am I getting out of it?

Ask yourself......... What role do I play in the push and pull of a relationship that may not be a healthy one?  What am I sacrificing of myself and my life to try to maintain/fix/change the relationship? 

We all have the same needs.  According to William Glasser, Choice Theory guru guy, our needs fall into 5 categories.  Survival, Love and Belonging, Control/Empowerment, Freedom and Fun.  That's it.  5 needs.  5 goblets...... filled or not.  If one of our goblets is nearing empty, our actions, according to Dr. Glasser focus on re-filling the need goblet.   It affects how we think, feel emotionally, feel physically and act.  In other words, it tints the lens we use to look out at the world around us because we crave to fill the emptiness.

For example, if  Love and Belonging needs goblet is empty,  thoughts turn to conjuring up statements like....."I'm unlovable.  I'm ugly.  I'm alone.  No one loves me....Nobody cares that I'm even alive." This is the biggie!!!  Emotional feelings may sour into loneliness, shame, sadness, anxiety, rejection, anger.  Physical feelings turn to hunger, belly aches, headaches, energy heaviness.  Every ache and pain is felt, which in turn twists thinking into morbidity.  

Actions??  They can run the gamut.  You may slink away into my bed and succumb to depression, or you may become the busiest butterfly flitting out and about with a broken wing in search of love. OR, if you are aware of what's happening and what the need is, you may choose a much more balanced healthier approach.  You reach out to others.  You get into counselling. You start up a project or immerse yourself in a hobby.  You learn to be still and find happiness with your own company.  

Instant gratification through sex, food, alcohol, online sexual risk taking with others out in the mean world.  It comes down to looking for that elusive unconditional love but only ever finding love with conditions.  With rules.  With "do this" and I will love you conditions.  Its amazing how far we will go to seek out love...... to feel a sense of oneness and belonging ........... to rid ourselves of our misfit persona.  Values be damned when we are empty vessels in need of affirmation.

When my "love and belonging" needs have been depleted,  I am vulnerably open to tripping into the kind of relationship that will devour instead of soothe. I try to MAKE the relationship work even if it is toxic.  They will use their manipulative charm to get their own needs met.... empowerment, control and maybe even love and belonging too!  At first glance, it appears that this relationship is a healthy partnership..... I'll scratch my back, you scratch mine scenario.  But, when you are dealing with someone whose "need cups" can never be filled..... when they are a bottomless pit of need, there is no give and take balance.  The relationship runs amok..... as the game of give, give, give and take, take, take continues until the giver has nothing left and the taker remains hungry for more.  

give, give, give......

take, take, take.....

the giver pulls away, trying to look after themselves

the taker reacts by uttering demands, threats... even to a point where they say they will harm themselves.  Even to a point where they DO harm themselves......... all in a ploy to shake up the guilt and shame of the Giver. 

We are not dealing with a person who is healthy.  Chances are, there is serious mental health issues simmering under the surface.  But, they are smart.  The anger and aggression eventually rise up through their skin, but days and weeks can go by when all seems so serene!   They need professional intervention.  Sadly, Emotional Manipulators are the last ones who will ever admit there is something wrong with them. They are professional victims. The world is out to get THEM. 

So, we need to look after ourselves.  Like they say before the plane takes off, we need to put our oxygen masks on first before we can attempt to help someone.  We need to be aware of our own needs .... this is Emotional Awareness.  This is Emotional Literacy!  Read on!!!

If all of our behaviour is our best attempt at fulfilling our needs, how much control do we have over our actions?  A heck of a lot more than we do trying to control the actions of others or their needs. We may be the most "aware" person in the whole world, sometimes our needs drive us blindly down some thorny paths even if we think we are being careful.  And the worst thorny path to find yourself tumbling down is one that is owned by an emotional manipulator.  

More often than not, this is the foundation of domestic violence, which  INCLUDES more than a husband and wife scenario.   Domestic violence  includes elder abuse, child versus parent abuse, parent/child abuse, sibling violence, extended family abuse.  Emotional, physical, sexual or a combination of all.   More often than not, the manipulators who take advantage of our goodness are family.  I've experienced it first hand through marriage.  I've read about it, studied it, and have helped others in counselling sessions try to come to terms with it.  Emotional Literacy is lifelong learning.......  I am a student.  I hope you are too. 

Incredibly smart but sadly their self image is badly damaged, people who play with someone else's emotional stability are not only difficult to recognize right away, they will never admit the games they play.  In fact, they often feign victimhood.  This is their defence. This is their "comfort zone" they fall into when they feel any sense of wrongdoing.  They are bullies seething on the verge of some serious mental health issues.  Sadly, Sociopathic behaviour remains elusive in terms of change and treatment because an Emotional Manipulator is the last person to admit there is anything wrong with them.

No one is immune to the twisty turns of a person who has the smarts to turn a relationship into one of victim and aggressor.  All we can do is be aware of our boundaries as well as our own needs.  We have to learn to protect ourselves, learn how to walk away, let go and be firm about our own health and safety.  This is very difficult to do when one is the kind of person who is considered a helper.... a doer.......... a person who has a lot of love to share.  It is almost impossible to do when the person who has NEEDS that have no bottom pit is a family member or a lover.  But, it is doable.  Usually after many attempts and situations...... we do reach a place of readiness to put down the rules!  To learn to let go and let it be rather than losing your own freedom and empowerment in your own life.  

We do have the power to offer love and compassion while not getting entangled  in the web of psychological destruction.  We do not have the power to "save" another person from their own machinations, threats and self harm when they don't want to change.  Tragically...........

Love is out there.  Good love.  Healthy love.  Humans can provide this for other humans, though we are not perfect.  When two people meet, they bring along their "needs" goblets........... its a merging of the head and heart.  A blending of goodness and compasion as well as empathy for one another is reachable.   And our guide to showing us what unconditional love is and how it can be reciprocated?  God.

Look after yourself.  See the toxic relationships through the a clarification lens.  It may take a long time to let go of the threads that bind.  No doubt it may be one of the most painful decisions to make because it leads to actions that may even feel inhumane to you at first.  Get support around you, whether its through friends, family and/or professional help.  Lean on your faith. Know there will be grieving.  Sadness.  Guilt. Shame.  Be aware that it may even feel selfish to think of yourself first.  It's all there.  It goes against the grain of our compassionate hearts.  But, it comes down to the fulfilling the very basic need of all........... Survival.  Your own.  

meaning....?

Blue on blue.

Letters spelling affirmation. 

High above the littered streetscape

Where homeless hearts in tattered disrepair 

Hand clap to enhance blood flow

To seek warmth.

Bravo!  You've survived another day.

Bravo!  Another coin drops into a hat....

Bold applause

Remember to clap.

Remember to pat yourself on the back.

For what?  

For surrendering spare change with false pride?

Perhaps these letters sneer in sarcasm 

Exclaiming the real truth. 

We can do better.

Bravo indeed.

This week's Photo theme is Letters.  Signs, signs everywhere signs.....  For more shots of the words that remind, rekindle, remark and sell, sell, sell ....... check out Carmi's place right HERE! 

an unwanted visitor..........

I have a new visitor who seems to have settled into my temples and refuses to leave.  February dreary is it's favourite month, when you're stuck inside  surrounded by stale air and shadowy walls that seem to wobble inward. This so called guest smells of burning rubber and overcooked meat. Not a great aroma when the windows are shut. It feels like dry chalk remnants on sun famished hands. No amount of lotion can quell the cracked skin.   It sounds like your least favourite song played over and over again!  It looks like a dopey deer caught in the headlights.  Or perhaps an overweight Ogre who blocks the sun with its disgusting flabs of flatulence.   

Well, maybe it does.... I haven't decided yet. 

I've tried to shoo it out the door, but it sneaks back in, bores straight into that familiar place in my head, sits right down on my resolve and spews out ongoing smelly ruminations thereby blocking any attempts I make to move forward. This unwelcome squatter has the ability to shake up my resolve, to screw up any attempt at a "to do" list and  to toss in unhelpful questions that force my eyes downward to gaze at my navel.  

Well, i think it does.  I'm not too sure......

Clarity?  It clouds every issue in various hazes of grey.

Focus?  It eats it for breakfast and then belches in victory.

Sleep? It wrestles your dreams into nightmare submissions! 

Determination?  It melts the reserves turning it into tearpuddle frustrations.

Creativity?  It continually smears my work with swaths of black gooey paint. 

Certainty?  It introduces the dance of doubt leaving me tripping over my dainty feet.

Confidence?  Well, this blasted boundary hunter is holding my courage hostage!

My Mother in Law used to say....... "Guests are like fish.  They begin to stink after three days...."  Well, if that's the case, I've got a guest that ranks as odourfically as lobster bait! Ever inhaled a whiff of that lovely concoction?  I WANT it GONE!  Open the windows, turn on the fans, clear out the stink!  Time to let in bountiful fresh air! 

Maybe, I havent been direct enough with my vamoosing.  Maybe I haven't been clear enough with this unwanted visitor ?  I want it gone!  Right? Isn't that what I want?    I don't know .......... oh shit, here I go again......... second guessing myself!  

Enough I SAY!  EnuFFF!  You know,  thoughts are only illusions if they remain unspoken or unexpressed!  They bing a bong like marbles in an pinball machine in your busy brain trapping you in a state of indecision so paralyzing that you miss out on LIVING!  Turns out unharnessed thoughts breathe life into my unwanted intruder who has completely overstayed its welcome.  You've got to bellow those thoughts out in any way you can .....clear a path through the mumbling marbles.  Whether its through talking, writing, painting, running, climbing, relaxing, praying, acting.... DOING, its time to find the breath of my own spirit again. Before my soul wears right through.......

By breathing them out, I deplete the strength of this constantly devouring interloper!  

I think.  hmmmm..... I hope. hmmmmmm.... OK, I know.  I KNOW this!

Indecison?  You've overstayed your welcome.  Heck, I didn't even invite you!  So, pack up buddy!  Get out of my life and do not interupt, invade, smear, attack, belch, or try to befriend again.  I've got reserves you don't know even know about.  I've got strength you can never touch!  I've put words to you measley thoughts and have depleted your stranglehold on me! And NOW!?  I've got my smile on, which I know VERY well is your evil nemesis!  Hahahahaha!  I win! 

Oh, and indecision, you smelly piece of fish waste, just in case you think you can take over my game, I offer you this piece of music!   

I dare you to have a listen! 

 

Photo of that "clown" indecision packing the trunk of his car.

good riddance!

Heart Grenades and the Art of Looking Sideways.

Strange to look at life sideways.  Strange, but oh so imperative.  It stretches the muscles in our eyes in a way that doesn't feel natural.  However, if ever we really want to make changes in this world we live in, and in our own individual lives, we must look off to the side for the options.  Conformity, the lemming kind, is the death knell of our society. The routine of sameness depletes our energy, sending us down a heavy footed path of apathy, dulling our senses.  What always perks up the brain, kisses the heart, zippity dips the pace is a fresh perspective.   Fresh awareness.....

Lemon scented fresh.

First kiss fresh.

After the rain cool breeze fresh. 

Puppies pouncing in the snow fresh.

Pussy willow promise fresh

Blooming pink blossom fresh

New slivery moon fresh

Stepping out of the shower rinsed and naked fresh.

We drop the blinders, take off the armour, stretch out our yawnings, open our minds, and look around?  Suddenly our way of seeing, which became our way of being, alters.  We shift.  In a blink. Aha! 

Here's a NEW way of looking at this issue!

Here's some light seeping through the dark realities of our sufferings

Here's a possibility!

But, am I willing to make the shift? Do I have a choice here?  MAN! What a frightening thought!

Life is easier to stay confined in a pocket of protection, away from new perspectives.  It seems safer, more predictable, more sane.  Yeah, right! What an illusion that is.  Still, we hold on tight to what we consider is the truth. It's what we know.  It's what we built our lives on.... those beliefs that you had some control over the events in your life.  Maybe that's the purpose of those "heart grenades" that often get lofted at us?  To wake us up?  To make us question everything around us??  To shake the inner stuffing loose.  To help us lose our balance in order to feel vulnerable?  When we are shook up enough and the vulnerability is ripe for the weeping, there is no more truth to hold onto.  What is left is an opportunity to look at life from another vantage point. 

God, will you help me do this?  Give me the strength to look at this life sideways...... to stand it on its ear.... to relax enough to let go of the ruminations..... to open the valve and let the possiblities flow upon the shiny rocks which I continue to stub my toes on! 

Shut off the valve of possibility, our whole being dries up. Turn it on full blast and the pools of creativity fill up and up and up with the cleansing spirits to quench the thirst we sometimes didn't even know existed.  At first, when new perspectives arise, we want to gulp it down....God, we're so thirsty for answers, for comfort, for colour!  When we first realize that how we are living, doing, being is not working, we want to change it ASAP!   Because of desperation and the motivation to douse the flames licking at our shame, we shuffle forward without taking the time to learn how to use our refreshed senses properly.  We need time to "retool" as well as to assess whether this new perspective is the right fit.  An oasis of water flowing to a thirsty person wounded by a heart grenade can be just as dangerous as staying in a pocket of protection.....

hmmmmm............maybe we need to look both ways, allowing the green twinkle of our eyes to cast beyond the first glance.....  looking beyond the sideways just at our feet......... over the horizon sideways... leap of faith sideways..... There is an art to it.  But there are no clear cut linear instructions.  You have to figure out your own glancing, looking, observing, assessing, glimpsing, gazing.  Not alone.  You don't have to learn this alone.  There is a Holy Spirit all around us to guide us. 

Sometimes we are the last to know how dehydrated and thirsty we really are.  Until we learn the art of looking sideways.  If we allow it to, it can soothe the wounds left by the blast of a heart grenade.  Late night loneliness does not have to smell like napalm.  It can be soothed by the aroma of perfuming comfort and the essence of insensing courage.......... let me turn my head to the left..... to the right....  Now?  let me look up and out.......... and what do I see?  Delicious possibilities.

Tell me...... What do YOU see when you look sideways?

_____________________________

ps.  This post was inspired by two things. I found myself in the valley of emotions today, so much so that I think I need to get my hormones checked!  The dips are too severe and I'm now thinking that there could be a medical reason feeding this trip I'm on.  Heaven help anyone who goes near a PMS-ing 49 year old in the throes of a divorce. You have no idea how ugly it looks from the inside! But, I'm relieved to report that I'm pulling out of this mass of snottiness and will be myself once again tomorrow.  (thank you Mavis!!)

I am also thinking a great deal about the upcoming Greenbelt Festival which I had the pleasure and the opportunity to attend last year.  In some respects, it was life changing.... many shifts occured and insights were gathered.  Sadly, the one which was so predominantly recharged in my being.... to return home from the festival with a clear desire to work through the issues in my marriage, I wasn't even able to kickstart.  It was over.  I just didn't know it.  

However, on a spiritual level, the depth of my faith and interest in pursuing this path of believing strengthened beyond my expectations.  Consequently, it has provided a foundation I sorely depended on last spring and continue to.  So, I wish I was going again this year....... to Greenbelt.  To refresh, to remind myself, to recharge, to remember, to reflect and to have some really really good fun with a group of people who are a part of my life and my heart.  When I think of them fondly, their beautiful faces and friendliness feed my soul with such delicious soulfood.

The theme for the Greenbelt Festival this year is "The Art of Looking Sideways..."  It's such an inspirational theme.... and fits nicely with how I try my best to look beyond the sides of my life.  The creative side of me, whether it's writing or photography, or even counselling (there is a lot of creativity and openness in the field of counselling) embraces this theme wholeheartedly.  So, I thought I would try to capture my feelings of this day as well as my thoughts on the theme.  I guess you could say, I was a multi-tasking blogger tonight.  And it worked.

  

My head cleared.  

I looked sideways.  

And you know what I found? 

MY SMILE!  I found MY SMILE! 
The little bugger was smirking 
off to the side!

Love to all of you............ xxxx

renewal

Renewal is conceived in the heart of discontent. It begins to grow by the inner light of silent conversations with God until it breaks through the clay of blended souls.  

Hungry hope is its companion as is a broken spirit enraptured by the Holy one, whose breezes caress  the restless suffering with tender knowing.  Hope reminds Renewal to be patient with its re-emerging and to know that most of its growth will be invisible to the outward glance, but colourfully recognizable when the human who hosts it gazes inwardly.  

Through suffering we learn to surrender.  Through surrendering, we learn how connected we are to a greater realm.  Through  connection, we begin to feel loved in much different way than perhaps we have ever felt before. 

What may feel that an epochal event that shifts our gaze and FEELS like renewal  is merely a glimpse of a field of diamonds off in the distance.   Those tantalizing sparkling gems with winkly twinkle c'mons  have the power to awaken our hunger for enlightenment, to tickle our parched thirsts for a drop of understanding.  

But, Renewal doesn't occur because of one event.  It may be the spark that ignites the change in direction, but it is not the conclusion.  It may be the impetus set in the clay of blended souls...... the foundation we rely on for support as we ride the waves of change by taking one step at a time.  

Renewal in all of its diamond splendour is simply our crooked journey signmarked by our recognition of love dressed in complicated life riddles.  Eventually it leads us to a place we can call home.  To get to the field, we must walk unprotected, barefooted pierced by the nettles and thorns of suffering that scratch and sting.......that leave pockmarked scars on our flesh. 

We must walk aided and unaided.......taking risks, learning as much from our hurts as we do our triumphs, reaching out to give while being open to receiving the gifts we are offered.  By so doing, we learn that the clay of blended souls we walk upon?  We are a part of that clay.  We belong to a universe who shares the same feelings, who thrive and survive, who suffer and feel joy...... who nurture and are nurtured by one another. 

Renewal may be conceived inside the heart of discontent, but the light of its darkness seems to always shed rays on a garden of hope, inside the home, waiting to be discovered.   As pilgrims, let us continue to be surprised by the answers to the riddles......... those "love in riddles," for this is where our awareness resides.  Don't forget to tuck in a dash or two of humour into that journey knapsack of yours too.

PS.  Pip?  My first attempt at "transposing" the article you sent me. Let me know what you think........ xx

life is a bowl of soup.

On the surface, living ethically is a brain stem driven exercise in learning what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is evil. We learn this as children. Crisp and clear cut, they lean heavily in favour of compassionate morality.  What could be simpler than knowing what is compassionate and what is moral?  A five year old can tell you what you're allowed to do and what you're not allowed to do.  Be kind to others.  Share your stuff.  Don't be a bully. You're no more special than anyone else.  Everybody is beautiful. You can't have your cake and eat it too, unless it's your birthday. 

Ethics are easy to live by.  The Ten Commandments lay it all out for us to follow.  There are policies and rules to guide us in our workplaces, and laws that structure our communities.  When we stumble a little in our early learning, trying to know just how to act, all we have to do is fall back on our inherent  conscience and bingo!  We know the direction we must go.  With all of what has been scribed and legislated combined with what we have been taught in church, in our homes, in our schools, we shouldn't have any problems whatsoever in knowing right from wrong. Right? What's so brain taxing about that? Duh! Hardly even a blip on our cerebral map.

Oh, if it could only be that easy......... would life be much easier if we could carry on as robotic entities living within this framework?  On the other hand..........................

The very presence of ethics creates an atmosphere of discomfort.  They tax our thinking and put a dent in our hearts.  They stretch us with their slippery fluidity and force us OUT of our little head huts into the fire.  What I believe and try to live by may be a completely different set of rules than what another holds onto.  When you really consider the whole essence of ethics, aren't they the fuel of all conflict?

Ethics can make you.....Debate, Investigate, Contemplate, Instigate, Hesitate, Formulate, Confiscate, Prostrate, Perambulate, Frustrate....

They can be, Inspiring, Tiring, Fortifying, Terrifying, Testifying, Conspiring.....

They can leave you in a pot of soup desperately trying to figure out which way is the way out of the pot.  So much of life is a simmery mixture of choices and values we initially learn as children as the clear broth of yes or no.  Reality is not like that.  Life is not like that.  Adulthood ain't like that. There are NO easy answers because the dilemmas formulated from the crossroad questions, we quickly learn that life is a complication.    We try to grapple with the issues which begin to boil over with storms of controversy, and realize quickly that we become stretched to the max as we figure out just how to stop stirring the pot.  

I can't believe how complicated relationships become.......... and it seems to me that instead of working towards a way of communicating with love and compassion, that we choose to add more spices to the pot and keep stirring and stirring and stirring.  Ethics and what we believe in fuel our lives, but they are never ever without controversy. 

As much as I would love to live a life of simplicity, where there is not clutter of emotional insanity, where I can live with a semblance of orderly ethical beliefs, life is simply not like that.  If I'm honest about it?  If things were laid out in colour coordinated folded linen like you see in a Martha Stewart magazine, I'd probably sneak into the photo shoot and mess it up.  Having said that........................ there are certain rules I will abide by...........

Be kind to others. Share your stuff. Don't be a bully. You're no more special than anyone else. Everybody is beautiful. You can't have your cake and eat it too, unless it's your birthday.  And, don't mess with a good thing.

creature comforts and riding the coaster....

Its not just family and friends who stumble through the painful transition of a marriage meltdown, it also includes the whole atmosphere around you.  Our lenses alter dramatically,  foisting us into seeing things in such a different way.  Its like a multi-sensory seismic shift on top of a teutonic plate of moving perspectives, shaky perceptions, and growing alternatives.  Everything has a different meaning.  Some things become more powerfully symbolic.  You can do your best to predict what may trigger your sensibilities, but you can't  prepare yourself fully.  

I guess this is all a part of the roller coaster ride I am on at the Camp Destructo Theme Park.  Frig, I wish they would shut down the power and turn the lights off for a spell!  They keep playing our songs! They keep throwing me curveball items that are attached to meaningful moments in the 25 years I shared with this man I still refer to as my husband but shouldn't.  Even where I am writing this (my kitchen), all I have to do is lift my eyes and I'm surrounded by "things" that were wedding presents, birthday gifts, pieces I use when we've had fabulously fun parties.  It is a minefield of memory triggers that tend to hit the hardest when I am the most raw and tired. Sweet Jesus!  I'm staring at a Bugs Bunny cookie jar that seems to be smiling back at me!  A birthday presnt to a Looney Tunes fanatic who despite everything still makes me laugh.

This list of these unpredictable triggers seems endless, even if I'm not so consciously aware of them because they make up my home.  The esthetics of comfort which display our personalites as individual family members, and as a whole family that we have carefully accumlated are like rings inside a mature tree.......... a giving tree.......... a tree we planted together with hope and dreams in our hearts.  

My home is shifting.  The pictures on the wall, the photos lovingly framed and displayed throughout the house, the furniture and colour scheme, the knicknacks and dinnerware, the bookshelves brimming with favourite stories, pottery given as gifts or chosen because it fit who we were,  shells picked up on beaches, candles which burned so brightly not so long ago..... all seem to have a layer of archeological dust on them now. They sit in inanimate silence, but hold stories that all seem to start with the same sentence..........."Once upon a time......"  Sometimes, their silence is deafening.

It used to be that this home felt like a haven, not just to me but to my family and to our friends who have joined us in many celebrations over the years.  It is an extension of us.  It is an extension of me, especially this kitchen.  I created this haven....... this place people felt so welcome to walk into.   It used to be that I was his home.  He told me so. Often. I was his home.  Like a broken platter, once used to carry cheer, I have been replaced.  His home is somewhere else.....restyled and fresh. It's where his heart is.  Comfort in a foreign land.

My heart is here.  The person I called home is gone.  I feel adrift. 

Its easy just to brush off the idea that stuff really has no meaning.  It does and not just for me. It holds meaning for all of us.  It holds meaning for my children......... much of it allows them a sense of security inside a place that is shifting. So, I can't just push it all away and start again from scratch.  I wouldn't want to do that anyways, because I know my sharp jolting feelings I get when the roller coaster takes a nasty curve will eventually slow down so I can readjust my senses and fix my windblown hair.  

Some of the things will be moved out to join his new home (or maybe not....his new home may not want that.) Some will be tossed onto a heap for a yard sale, refreshed by a new colour scheme, a new "look", a new feel.  And some, will eventually be used over the seasons when the time is less ripe and more right and will represent a softer look back on a different time and place, when this was a dwelling for a family of four and a dog who hasn't quite figured out the lay of the land yet.  We are all suffering from a bit of canine confusion.

What triggers me now, I will eventually come to terms with.  What may take a much longer time to settle is the way I define home and the way he has chosen to define his.  In the meantime, I think I will avoid a few cupboards and choose carefully the soundtrack of music which used to send me into a place of comfort and joy....... which used to ground me into a sense of love and belonging, until the dust settles a bit.  Its the best I can do.  That and sometimes gather the courage to press play on a song from our past and have a good long cry.   Unfortunately, Van Morrison will have to wait a long, long time before I can return to his melodies.  It just too painful.

You know, I used to LOVE the amusement park.  I guess I still do. Roller coasters are my favourite rides.  Water slides too!  Maybe its time to chose another form of amusement.............. calm.   NO!  That's just not who I am. It may be what his other home offer more of........ calm.  But, here?  The rides may be painful and long at times, but they also offer an exhilarating array of joy and a sense of LIFE living.  I'll take the Polar Express option any time over a bland merry go round.

ps.  I have started making changes............. I now live in an indigo blue bedroom thanks to the help of my sister who came to visit over the Easter weekend. More to be done in there before it feels like a sanctuary again, but just by changing the colour and some of the decor I see hope through this long transitional time in my life.

I'll work towards refreshing my soundtrack too...........slowly.

Radiant blooming

My Emerald friend Pip, often posts 5 feeling words to describe that moment of  personal reflection, and always asks the human beings who read his blog for their own reflective offerings.  Over the years, since our paths crossed in way I can only describe as cosmically destined, I have used this little exercise to "touch base" with my own feelings.  I've also incorporated it into workshops I've delivered on Emotional Literacy.  It's a quick hit meaningful "person check" that more often than not allows you to get real rather than remain in the dark side of denial.  It has the capacity to take you below the surface of your skin.

If you don't know what emotional  motions you're dealing with......if you don't know how you're feeling or even how to describe them, you can't let go of how it impacts your thinking and physiology.  All of a sudden, you're acting in ways driven by an imbalance of head and heart. 

This morning, as I read Pip's blog, I stopped to take stock.  This time the "actions" came through before the feelings, recognizing where I am standing, and how stretched I am beyond my comfort zone.   If learning happens in a place of discomfort, well....... I'm sitting in the front row!

5  stretching actions in discomfort

reaching for relief

sitting in honesty

fighting off failure

meditating inwardly, mediating outwardly

nurturing others, nurtured by others.

the 5 feelings?

stronger more often now

delicately imbalanced not so often anymore

determined but doubtful sometimes

loved but hurting

recovering......

I'm so busy right now with many activities that truly take me out of my comfort zone but need my attention and focus when those two things seem quite depleted that I don't have much time to write.   But I  have many topics I want to explore.........half written and half thought out.   The political landscape at present in this province is heating up.  There are topics on a national and global level I would LOVE to have a chance to sink my editorial teeth into.  Issues generated from conversations, daily encounters, and simply living through this spring of change are piling up in my often feeling flooded brain of mine.   It sure would be nice if some big hearted soul (preferably handsome with a nice smile,  who knows how to fix things around a house) offered to be my guardian angel to grant me the freedom to write full time showed up on my front doorstep.  I'd like that.  :)

More than anything.........I  have stories, scripts, a few poems, and a novel all waiting in the wings, waiting to be shared.  I have many pieces sitting here waiting for my attention again.  Good stuff!  It will happen.  Yesssssirrrreeeee!

In the meantime............?   What I learned this morning while taking stock?  I am not in any way "stuck in the moment and I can't get out of it........."  I was stuck for a very long time, trying to fix, trying to avoid the issues of fixing and recognizing there was NO WAY to fix.  This awareness is where I also fully recognize the feeling of relief dwells.   It's kind of like a seed that has been planted in a bed of burrs and thorns, but has the potential to grow into a massively beautiful flower.  

Radiant blooming is possible.  It just takes a while when the landscape needs tending to as well.

furious angels

On those days when darkness covers the world around you, then somehow slips under your skin when you're not paying attention, you find yourself counting shadows instead of sheep.  Contented dreams remain out of reach. Calm is peppered by a hideous invasion of internal noises.  Shadows can be loud visitors.  They don't lovingly bleat like sheep and happily hop back over the fence. Instead, they stick around hovering under your breath until you begin to fall into night's bottomless cavern.

one,

two,

three,

four......

Shadows resemble a chorus of fear, accompanied by the looming rhythm of your own heartbeat. Regular pathumps intensify to a loud drumming of dread.  These pulsing disturbances push you past any realm of comfort to a suffering soul place. You're struck hard by the acute realization that you come from dust, and that no matter how hard you try... no matter how long you seek out relief through a solution, the fact is what it is. All suffering is simply a version of coming face to face with mortality. 

five ......................................................... six

seveneightnineteneleven

The din continues, ...... a nagging rapture of furious angels leap out from the shadows to summon your drumming heart. A blurring flurry of fussy wings thresh, summoning awareness that all you've ever known is not enough....that what you're struggling with cannot be fixed by your combative ego .... that the reins you've held onto so tightly for control have to be released.  When it feels as though the air can't be any darker, when the hum of angels hit a crescendo making the shadows dance like they have won, surrendering is the only option.  

Just when you're about to let go of any form of faith you have, your hands automatically turn upward with plea in your heart.  To stop the flight of furious angels.  You've heard their message.  It is then and only then that you have opened up wide enough to let in the light of God. .... to ask for His guidance.  

May you stay right there amongst the dancing shadows, the frenzied angels, and the pain of suffering until you can hear an answer to your prayer.  Don't let your ego get in the way. 

hmmmmm.........

It's like someone pulled the plug in the bathtub and all the warm water drained out without me knowing.  There I am, the water clinging to me growing colder sitting starkers looking for a soft clean towel to cover up and dry off with.   That's how I feel on this grey Sunday morning, "in a deep and dark December........" as Paul Simon sang..... Empty and full at the same time..........  There is not a profound thought or word left in my body.... not one fresh idea.  Gee, not even one seed has been set aside to germinate.  I've been stripped.  But, you know what?  It certainly is not a bad thing.  It's uncomfortable, but not a bad thing.  In fact, I think I needed to get to this point to re-learn how to STOP.

Then, I realized.......... when you stop?  I mean really and truly stop? You are sometimes left shivering in an empty bathtub looking at mottled  flesh in need of some summer sun realizing that humility is both ugly and beautiful at the same time.... Is there a word to describe the convergence of ugliness and beauty?

Reality?

To dwell in humility is to dwell in an ego free dimension where it is what it is........ both ugly and beautiful....... and accepted.

peace and temptation.

Is peace ever the result of following through on a temptation?  Seduction of the senses so often awakens in us a longing to fill an emptiness we may not even be aware of until our attention is provoked by an alluring invitation.  Bathed in light, we become mesmerized by the flirtatious mirage off in the distance.  Thoughts hone in on the hunger pangs pulsating with desire which turn a "want" into an unrestrained illusionary need.  They hum cloaked lullabies to our longing spirits.  Our senses become rattled by the charming dare of temptation's shiny gleam, by the instant gratification of satisfying mouth watering urgency.   

Need it, want it.....just a little taste.... just a little spoonful of dare's sweetness.

Sometimes we succumb.  Challenged by its calling........its invitation to accept the dare, we step closer to the glowing light it bathes in and let it shower us with soothing rapture.  Sometimes we hold ourselves back by the very tips of our sensibilities, like we are clinging to a ledge. The temptation remains alive, breathing down on our shivering flesh, reminding us of its ever present bite.  Sometimes we can face the alluring energy with resolve, by controlling the blood red blush we initially feel during the first encounter. We choose to step away.   

Three very different endings....... and I wonder if peace can be held again in the palms of our hands no matter what door we choose to open at a given time in our lives. Life is never void of temptation.  

We are never perfect in the choices we make.  If we can forge on towards new awareness, new understanding of what we as individuals hunger for, we can reach a place where we re-introduce ourselves with humility.  Temptations are fraught with lessons.  Their daring bravado can enlighten new learning, and can offer opportunities to reach a place where we can shed our ways, where pleasurable fulfillment leads to consequential truths.  Humbling in all its nakedness isn't it? 

An apple anyone?

This week's tempting word prompt is Dare.  This time of year, our temptations challenge us with such cheekiness.  The little daredevils!  Check out other interpretations at Sunday Scribblings.  I double dare you.........

That crazy moon.......

 

On this day, the first of December, I was mooned.  Continuously.....

This morning under a deep greyblue dramatic sky I spotted the moon glowing in the west over the river horizon.  Caught by predawn reflections, it was on fire....... a large golden orb of light so grand it seemed like a shining illusion.  I've never seen anything quite like it........didn't quite believe my own eyes.   It only lasted a few minutes and then it was gone...... the lit up moon disappeared.

When daylight arrived it reappeared, dressed in white.  This moon hung on high all day long ......... or was it a reflection?  The skies held onto a robin's egg blue shade, with clouds so perfectly puffy it felt like the vista was really a canvas creation rendered by an artist.  It didn't seem real.  

At the end of my workday, around 5pm, I hopped in my car to head home.  The sky was an indigo blue and the perfectly puffy clouds had all but disappeared.  Perched on top of the silver metal roof, which adorns a big rambling blue house was the moon again.  Round full......... persistantly bold, framed by the brick chimney and the roof pitch like it was wedged in there ..... like it was trying to play hide and seek.

By the time I had to turn around and head back out into the December evening to teach my Counselling class, that crazy moon had unhooked from the rooftops and floated up over the river glimmering in city lights.  I drove east towards it, hoping we would meet up face to face.  But it always stayed the same distance away from me.  How did it do that? 

Tonight, as I walked to my car after teaching my class on campus,  I looked for the moon again.  It didn't disappoint me.  There it was, glowing a flourescent hum inside a midnight blue sky high above the old oak trees.... their bare branches silouetted by lamplight.  I swear it winked at me. 

 Hey sassy moon!  Tomorrow you'll be full.  Then what? The full monty??

restless secrets

Hold on tight to your restless secrets if you want to. Sadly, I'm sorry to inform you they have a way of showing their true colours........ your body can't hide the stories. Your mind rattles outward, rippling your body restlessness in discomfort. Mystery reveals itself in your.......
sighing wandering woes
fretful fearful legs
skipping heartbeats
ringing ears
swollen joints
blurry vision
agitated guts
itchy skin
itchy skin
refreshed....and you keep scratching.........
itchy skin
itchy soul leaving you unable to focus.

Restless secrets gripe and groan the loudest just when you think no one's paying attention. When you relax. They spit reality onto your pillow of dreams.... in illusionary rainbow arcs. Try to keep them quiet and they will feast like head lice under your hair covered scalp belching in shameful agony.

Shame has a way of shooting out of sleeping thoughts. They retch up unspoken murmurs and swirl in a devilish weave of desire. Inside the brokenness of pain where ache feeds on restless secrets, your conscience rattles with tight lipped disdain. Denial simply stretches skin into a thin throbbing membrane disturbed by the unrelenting obsession to bleed........
Let it bleed.
Let the bleeding come.
Let it come
Come out! For God's sake!

"Deny yourself," said the Carpenter through your sleeping fog.
"Deny yourself.........."
What did He mean by that???

Restless secrets never sleep. They moan through silent dreaming and rise out of the foggy facade in the kingdom of makeothersbelieve. Your sorry storybooks are filled with tampered truth, with dormant devils of dismissed denials. Transparency blathers out the truth.

Let sleep linger on
Let sleep linger on and on...
And while you forever linger in the taut grip of a hot tightrope of fantasy napping, try your best to stay inside the sleepy mystery where your ruminating imagination soothes unspoken thoughts wrapped up in innocence past its due date.
let sleep linger....if you can.
Ignore, deny, suppress, create stories, try to live on.
My God, it's draining your energy.......

But,
If you open your eyes,
If you open your sores to dashes of salty sting reality
BE PREPARED
for wet spitting dreams on your pillow.
spit.
disgust.

You may not know yet but........
your mask slipped off.
That facade is a fateful fallacy.
And all I can feel is
sorry for you.

All I wanted was the truth. Was that so wrong?

If only you could poke at those swollen secrets
Make them blabblabblabblab away with relentless seeping
If only you could give them air
Give them life
Let those fucking secrets breathe
You'd be set free.
If only......what is stopping you???

Truth will set you free................. no matter what the cost.
no matter what the cost.
The freedom of your soul is more important than the restless secrets you keep.
It's never too late.
Never too late....

Pssssst.... guess what?
If you do decide to come clean....?
You will still be loved.
Unconditionally.