lying and sneaking and cheating, oh my.

 

Sad how we live in a society so corupt of the values we espouse but never apply.  Sad how we have it in ourselves a gene that makes us so interested in the pain of another.  We have grown accustomed to as well as numbed by the mean antics of others applied to another human being.  Have we tripped the light on empathy and respect?  Do we live in a place of denial where our vitriolic hurtful actions get cleansed by the neurotic delusions that what we do doesn't hurt another person.  Does voyeurism, no matter what the cost,  trump doing the right thing?  

Values, particularly the key ones tied to humanity and living a life where kindness, integrity faithfulness, loyalty, and love, seem like they have become fleeting thoughts (oh, that would be a nice idea our brains say) rather than applied actions.  There are so many bald face liars out there, its difficult to know who is an imposter and who isn't. 

Lying is an art and if you're good at it, my God you can fool anyone.  Except yourself.  Oh, sure you can carry on living in a place of denial.  You can surround yourself with others who believe your lies and grand illusions.  You can even talk yourself into believing another reality than what is the truth.  Heck, you can even play the role of victim so beautifully that you convince even the most sceptical being.  But one day?  The curtain will lift.  The most brilliant white light will be shining directly on you.  And all of a sudden, every grey hair, pock mark, scar, and wrinkle.... every shivering quivery lie, every moment you were sneaky, voyeristically snooping into another person's life just for a thrill will be visible to YOU!

Don't think you're invisible.  Don't ever believe other's are blind to the way you have chosen to live your life void of applying the values you so carefully collected every Sunday while attending church.  Oh!  You stopped attending??? You may have a beautiful sweet sounding voice.  Who knows?  You may always carry yourself surrounded by a breeze of supposed innocence so that many get pulled into your fake humility.  Just be aware that you are nakedly exposed......... take a look.  Mirror, Mirror.  

Justify.  Justify your actions.  Can you do it?  Why is it that people can rarely walk their talk?   Say one thing?  Do the right thing.  

Action ................ Reaction.   My turn...... I'm acting.

Lying and sneaking and cheating make me want to wretch.  

ps.  And to the three or so UNB readers who have been scouring my blog for extensive "visits" over the past couple of days?  I'm assuming you were looking for a voyeuristic buzz?  'm blogging this one especially for you.  Hope you enjoyed the posts you carefully summoned up from your workstations.  Hope it was titilating enough to take you away from what you should've been doing.  Working!  Shalom.

unfairness

Nothing, absolutely nothing burns my ass more than unfairness.  It is deceitful, immoral, inhuman, unethical, disrespectful, underhanded, and just plain rude.  When I hear of a situation someone has found themselves in that is clearly unfair and are having a tough time trying to rectify it, I can feel my rankled nerves fire up.  Push that button in me, and seriously watch out because no one, I mean NO ONE should be treated unfairly.

In my world, unfairness revolves around castrated systems.........made up of bureaucratic tapeworms that devour living, breathing human beings and spits out faceless cut outs whose forms fit certain policy garb.  One dimensionally shaped the same, void of feeling, and emptied of any unique story that may make them an exception to a rule, faceless cut outs are much easier to contend with than the real deal. Prejudged even before the person can open their mouth.  Prejudged even before there is a face to face meeting.....if one is even arranged, and if it is arranged, the balance of power is always, always TILTED, weighed down by rules and regulation ammunition, and preconceived myths.

Unfairness reeks of injustice.  It distorts perceptions by slapping judgemental labels on the nearest victim. Empathy is laughed at. There's no room for empathy.  It's for sissies.  But you know what?  Systems can't be unfair without human beings manipulating it right?  Systems are driven by living breathing humans who bleed too...... sadly,  humans who are afraid to deviate from the fear mongering policy manual.  Is that it?  Afraid to listen, afraid to help, afraid of reprimands if they risk stepping out of the assembly line?  Perhaps it just comes down to the fear of FEELINGS??

We all have biases.  Mine is focused on unfair practises. I have no time for them. I will fight them. I will go to bat for anyone I believe is getting the shaft, who needs someone to be their designated hitter. No problem.  However, my emotions often get the best of me because of how much I am triggered by unfairness venom.   Most of the time, I don't care.  I can figure it out after the wrong has been righted............ or at least we've given it our best shot. 

Yes, I can see the big picture when it comes to the overarching reasoning behind needing structure, guidelines, rules, laws.  And Yes, I can sometimes/barely work within a system if I have some respect for it.  I'm not a pushover though I have advocated in the past for people who turned out to be frauds.  But, I do react too quickly sometimes when I see a Samson and Goliath scenario playing out. 

Today, unfairness poisoned the air all around me.  It festered and laughed hideously while jousting with a firepoker. It pissed me off!  As much as I have learned how to manipulate unprincipled actions into submission, I do know how to play the game, how to stretch the sides of a policy, how to talk nicely and even bomb it with love. Sometimes though, I slip up and let my anger lead the way.  Today, I let it rip!  On purpose.  Because I could. I punched the lights out on unfairness.  Tomorrow round two.  Bring it ON.  I'm not finished.

Yes, today was a good day.  I got an emotionally charged cerebral workout while teaching someone how to stand up for their rights.  Empowerment should never be overruled by a human driven system made for cut outs.

deception....

Who lives on the island called Fool's Paradise surrounded by a mirage of delusionary hope? YOU DO! I know, I know ... you deny this vehemently ....

Who cries out with incessant histrionics too painfully misguided to be believable except to the one who cries the purple tears? YOU DO! Yeah...sure ... I hear your whacky explanation. I don't believe it.

How does someone function under such fantasies instead of the truth? And why? Why does someone work so damn hard not to be honest about their behaviour, both past and present? Is it because they spend all of their energy living a lie, creating many facades that NEVER interact with one another that somewhere along the line the truth has become so diluted by crocodile tears? Have they been so wounded and abused in the past that they don't have the capacity to act any differently because they really don't trust anyone? Wow, what a lot of work!

For a long time, you tried to keep me close as you manipulated your way through the maze of deception. I saw through your act ages ago. You know this.....and it terrifies you. I have become part of your deepening haunting shadow and you hate me for it. I have joined the previous folks who saw through your convoluted web and into your obsessive need to play a role, to wear a mask, to don a people pleasing persona even though deep down... the folks who clearly see that you think you're better than everyone else on this planet and this scares you to a point where you're determined to try to keep me close. Sad, pathetic, so alone YOU. Yes, entitlement is your achilles heel, as is your unrelenting belief that you are pure and unblemished.....that YOU do nothing wrong. You give, and give and give.....and why does the rest of the world not understand all that you have forfeited?

You trust no one.....NO ONE..... but like a hungry black widow, you keep this secret under wraps. Too bad your hunger is too ravenous, which at times makes you let that false skin down only to reveal your vulnerabilities.

What is interesting is that when you write.....you attempt to describe your vulnerabilities. You choose words carefully..........NOTHING comes out of you that you havent poured your energy assessing, contemplating, regurgitating. But, once someone realizes how wounded you really are, your vulnerabilities, used as weapons to trigger others seem juvenile.... pendantic.... pathetic.

What you hide, you hide from yourself. What you reveal? Here's the secret..... you reveal your sorrowful soul.... exactly what you are trying your hardest to keep under wraps. Why can't you just be honest about how you really feel, what you really think instead of trying to hammer a wedge between others? Why can't you just admit you're threatened and you need help? Why can't you come forward and admit your wrongdoings?

Why? Because the feelings you so aptly write about are feelings you never dare to embrace fully. Or maybe you do, but you can't imagine anyone else feeling the same way. It's like the intensity of how YOU feel outweighs anyone's elses. It's all very strange. I call it passive aggressive foreplay. Play on... by yourself.

What would happen if you did decide to leave the island of Fool's Paradise? Gee, maybe you'd find your soul.......and leave behind the "poor me" fashion and the "Nobody understands me" bullshit. Maybe you'd get real....to admit who you really are and learn to love yourself.

Deception....you intrigue me with your mind twisting confusion because I want to know the reason behind your need to control the relationships you eventually mess up. I wonder how you can keep things straight.... how you keep the revolving door of people in your life straight. Who have you told what whipped up story to????

I guess it comes down to the fact that you don't trust a soul. Always on the tipping point of being revealed as the con artist human you are, you never relax except when you drown yourself in the addiction of choice.....food, booze, drugs.....sex. When does it stop? Can you stop or are you suffering something greater than a good look in the mirror would help.

Can I suggest something? Can I suggest that it's time to seek help.....professional help and begin to admit the reason behind your incessant lies, rouge cheeked faces, your phoney posturing? Its time to stop the emotional manipulation. It's time to lift your veil to reveal you own brokenness. It's time to fess up, deal with whatever demons you harbour and heal.

And please stay clear of my life.... I'm sick of your head games, your lacey cheap perfumed attempts at empathy, and I won't let them or YOU interfere with my life anymore. Your mind games have become boring. The time I have spent trying to help and to figure you out has dried up.

ps....HEY! Anyone out there who has felt the whoring of deception in their lives before?? It's a mindtrip, thats for sure.

Bring down the Budget. Enough already!

Have you ever tried to drive on black ice? Have you ever tried to steer a car when its lost its grip? The thing about black ice besides not being able to see it in time is that you can traverse over it without many problems if you're aware of its potential existance. Its the anticipation of it.........of the danger a slim film of ice coating a road that helps the driver to react and respond to it differently than you would on a dry stretch. But all the awareness in the world....all of your multi sensory alertness can't predict the random time when the tires hit the ice at precisely the perfect pitch and sends the vehicle spinning out of control and careening into danger.

This is the analogy which surfaced in my head while driving to visit a client in his home yesterday over the backroads of this province. Not only do I always prepare myself as best as I can for whatever situation I am about to find myself in.......home visits can be like that........99 percent of the time danger free....1 percent of the time no so....... I realized that since late fall, I have been feeling like I have been driving along anticipating a huge patch of black ice, predicting I was about to spin out. Black ice driving is bloody stressful and zaps you of energy. Its the waiting for it, and the anticipation of it that just about does you in.....

Today, the black ice budget will finally be released. Today, the people of this province will learn how their elected leaders have decided to deal with the impact of the economic lay of the land. No one more than the people who work within its governmental infrastructure have been waiting, anticipating and trying to emotionally and financially prepare for it's predicted dangers.

Waiting is the bane of trying to "live in the moment...." Though you could argue that if you're feeling all the neck tension and sleep deprivation which often accompanies the waiting, you are most definatly living in the freaking moment. In fact "the moment" gets stretched out beyond the borders of normal time. It makes the MOMENT seem like an existential day with no exit. THIS KIND OF WAITING IS NO FUN.

I don't think that's what the gurus of mindfulness meant. No, they want you to BE ONE with the wait by sacrificing it to the surrendering Gods. Or maybe theres a specific fat fairy who hovers above the clouds waiting for an opportunity himself to earn his wings that you are supposed to channel. Maybe the fat fairy is supposed to swoop down while you slumber and take control of that nemesis MR WAIT by sprinkling it with rationalization dust and prayerful powders. I think the fat fairy got his walking papers. He's no where to be seen.

It's a Wonderful Life ain't it?

Waiting....ticktockticktockticktock.....when does the damn alarm go off??

There is no inner calm when one is in "wait mode...." I havent felt an inner calm since the rumours began to swirl last fall.........first like light snow flurries and then like a full on snowstorm.... And it wasn't like the rumours came out of no where. Some in fact were strategically placed and came with warnings whispered in hallways and seriously spoken of in meetings. Unkind, unhelpful, unmanaged, these rumours spread like patches of black ice, invisible to the eye but anticipated by the GUT. And when you've been told in confidence to "be prepared....be proactive....look after yourself.........GET the salt ready!!!!" Well, all you can do is try to do just that as well as wait....AS well as try to work in an environment that has lost its traction.

Reactive, proactive, responsive, submissive, sleep deprived....staying alive... in the waiting room. Will my number ever be called?

Today the majority of civil servants will drive across the black ice and carry on. Some however will have to manage the spin out. No one knows who will make it. No one knows who will land in the snowbank. No one knows who will be given a bag of salt to throw on the black ice before they drive over it and onto a new road in their personal journey.

It's the waiting that just about kills you........ and personally I am absolutely drained from its wicked ways. I am SO ready to deal with whatever comes my way today or in the fallout of this gloom and doom budget. Because you know what I've learned as I waited in the lobby of the RUMOUR MILL? I've learned that whatever happens, it may be the biggest blessing YET!

They have no idea how much emotional damage they have done. No IDEA! The loyalty gas tank is hovering on empty. There are only the fumes of trust left.

Now, can someone from the Dept. of Transportation please salt the roads? You guys are still around right?

This is a picture my brain with a heavy duty really irritating cold. I have been prorogued along with the rest of the country.....

I have much I want to write about on the state of affairs of this country, but I'll have to wait. I can't seem to formulate a sentence tonight.

five words to describe how i am feeling about the mess we call our Parliament......

outraged

disgusted

shocked

disappointed

frustrated.

• I believe the only way to save our pathetic little republic from the evil doing of that cartoon character Stephen Harper is to call in a couple of superheros........namely Dudley DoRight and Roger Ramjet. They are our last resort.
• I'm also generating my own political coalition. it will have a hockey theme...... It's time to put Dryden in the role of leader. He's the only one in this damn country who both Habs and Leafs fans admire. Marti McSorley would be Minister of Defence.
• I believe the only one left in Ottawa with any integrity is Bill Casey who sits as an independent.
• I am also generating a list of recommended gifts for the Christmas season.......a few appropos items I think every Canuck will be interested in.
• But not now................
• Now.............I'm going to suck on some drugs and climb into my bed. I need to get the hurricane out of my head.

needs and releases

Our behaviour is our best attempt at the given time to fulfill one of 5 basic needs....survival, love and belonging, empowerment/control, freedom and/or fun.

What impacts our behaviour is how we think and how we feel.........about ourselves, about others in our lives, about the situation we find ourselves in, about what life has served up.

Past experiences trigger reactions

Past experiences thrust us into the familiar dance steps

Past experiences shroud us from new perspectives, from a new way of seeing.

Old wounds refreshed and uncared for seep into the present and are revealed in the kind of decisions we make

Life can leave us with two scraped knees and a dislocated soul can't it? It's safer to stay under the covers sound asleep or numbed by vices, disconnected to the rest of the world. Thats the choice.........to remain asleep and safe or to be self-medicated or to be wide awake and vulnerably out there giving it our best....

Action never happens without a thread to thought or feelings. Even if you're the Prime Minister. Even if you're an elected official sitting in opposition vying for the leadership ring. Accumulated unreflected experiences leave their mark on the manner with which one leads their life. Knowing this, and knowing that these men seem to be quite intelligent, why are they so unaware of the ramifications of their actions on others and on their own lives?

When someone gets into a shoving match with their own psyche, can any bystander stop the insanity? We seem to have elected a bunch of very wounded needy people intent on fulfilling their own needs instead of rising to the occasion and recognizing that their behaviour is impacting a whole nation.

Oh, great. Oh, Canada.

Can someone up in Ottawa please give these boys a mirror to look at? A whole lot of reflection is needed............and some psychotherapy to help them see their wrinkled, beard stubbled faces are those of ADULTS??

Too Much Drama, Obama

Can one man be placed in a position where he could possibly orchestrate the changes needed to end wars, fix the economy, provide health care for every single American, bring back jobs, stability, pride, soothe relationships with other countries, bring harmony and understanding throughout the land? Is there one person who can live up to the mile high list of expectations which seems to keep growing in need and priorities? Can one human being...............a HUMAN BEING.........be responsible for cleaning up the environment, finding new energy resources, put dictators in the place, pull down walls, stop tsunamis, create abundance, eradicate poverty, eliminate racism and inequality..................oh, and do this by working through the mire of a shut down ineffective mess called bureaucracy where kingdom creating and "working in silos" are the order of the day? I don't think so.

The expectations placed on Barak Obama are completely off the scale. Its insanity! Yes, he's inspirational and he does seem to have the eyes, ears and heart of enough American voters that he has a good chance of winning on Tuesday. Maybe he is the real deal. Who would know? The world of politics and campaigning has become a such a slick manipulative wank on the public that I don't think anyone has a handle on what is true and what is made up. The mud slinging on both sides, and the spinning of issues and controversies as they creep into the media seemingly on a daily basis dirties the process to a point where I have swallowed a whole pint of pessimism.

Take the stories reported by so called journalists and shared on the national morning radio news. On Tuesday, the CBC reported that Obama was going to win by a landslide. It'll be a cakewalk, even in diehard Republican territory. Then, on Wednesday, the "angle" was much more subdued and doubtful.........they maintain Obama will win, but that McCain is closing the gap. Neither story had any depth to verify and justify the predictions. Rather, it was surface skimming journalism, which seems to be the norm these days. However, both stories had one major theme in common...........that Barak Obama is the second coming.

Excuse me??? No, he's not. This crowning and fawning over the man by the mainstream media, on Youtube, on blogs, in editorials both in the papers, on the TV, on the internet, on the radio does counteract the threats and nasties spewing out of Sister Sarah's gosh darn mouth, and the painfully obvious angry man John McCain. However, I am left with a serious bad taste emanating from my gut. It's all Smoke and Mirrors, tit for tat phony baloney......because who out there really knows what's true? The 1/2 hour infomercial last night which cost over a 3 million dollars.....a mere spit in the bucket when he has 150 million raised in September alone to spend by next Tuesday.......was a glossy emotional heart tugging staged chat, accompanied by a soundtrack right out of a David Lean movie. The only thing missing was a demonstration of some K-tel Bass-o-matic grinding device a la Dan Ackroyd and SNL.

The amount of money spent on this election is shocking. Hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars...........and people are homeless and starving because the banks are going down the drain?? I don't get it.

The smears and innuendos are beyond the pale. I can't imagine what its like living in the United States right now with the onslaught of talking heads and talk shows along with the regular news shows clamouring to continue stirring it all up. There's no room on those shows to even LOOK at stories and news happening beyond the borders. At least when I take in some form of news that I am offered an array of stories with both a national and internation flavour. Do you think the average Joe the Plumber even knows about the deadly earthquake in Pakistan earlier in the week.....? Doubt it very much.

If Obama does manage to stay alive and get elected as President of the United States, no one should expect he will accomplish much outside of the borders of his country. He will be so busy trying to stop the pulsing jugular which is bleeding all over both "Wall Street and Main Street," that he won't be looking at any issues internationally. Or maybe he will. Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe he is the Messiah and peace and harmony is within reach.

Ah, the audacity of hoping for hope.........reckless? No........this isn't a reckless election campaign. It is scheduled and planned out right down to very last minute.

Will Obama win? Who knows at this point. All it takes is one big faux pas.....and you can bet your ass the Karl Rove is not sleeping while looking for that nugget.

reading glasses and red lips.

Our TV waves have been inundated with slick graphically enhanced ads created to try to lure us to the side of what is "right and good"....whatever that is. It's silly season once again both here and south of the border. You'd think as a political junkie, I would be feeling a sense of heightened thirst quenching quivers. Surprisingly, I'm not. In fact I'm having a very tough time conjuring up any whiff of interest even though I keep hearing the pundits and journalists yammer on about the importance of the elections. Did you know these are THE most important elections of our time. Really? Gee, it seems like it's the same dinner fare we've been dished up since the beginning of time. Well, except for the recent emergence of Sarah the Alaskan running mate.

Is it just me, or is does she resemble everyman's fantasy of Library girl? You know that one.......stern and no-nonsense on the outside, firey vixen on the inside? Well, then she opens her mouth and as much as she says the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull is lipstick? I've met my share of pitbull hockey moms. They wear lipstick.....and sometimes no nonsense bouffie hairdos and reading glasses...........and they bellow and bite with venom. I wonder if the stock prices of erectile dysfunction blue pills have tanked lately because of her smoking gun presence? hmmmm..........just wondering, because no doubt about it.........this woman is a hot commodity. In fact, I think her ovaries have a brass shine to them and she's ringing them loud and in your face.

I watched the interview between "ABC Charlie" and "Alaskan Sarah...." a reading glasses fest. The questions, posed with the eyes over the top of the glasses.......damn seriously.......were unrelenting and MUCH needed.....produced answers more revealing of this woman and her extreme right wing opinions than I think she intended. Bloggie and MSM editorials predictably run the gamut of opinion, though it appears that they agree with her mishandling of the "Bush Doctrine" question, which automatically makes one question her depth of knowledge on her own government's policy. She tried to sidestep in and in turn made it quite apparent that she wasn't too sure what Gibson was referring to.

Yes, her answers on how to handle international issues and hot spots in the world were downright scary in my opinion, but you know what? It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. She has made an impact solely on who she is and who she is not. This is the allure! It has nothing to do with whether she has travelled much or whether she has met a Head of State. It matters that she HASN'T!!! What she has done in one astonishing back swoop is to hairclip the freshness out of Obama's wings.

Frontier Sarah brandished the "second coming" of Kennedy to the back pages and kitty litter boxes of yesterday's news ALL without a "blink......" Yes, she stated that there's no time to blink.........and didn't when McCain came calling. More amazingly, Sarah Palin woke up the masses........you know the ones who the Democrats had hoped would remain sleepy and apathetic. She woke up the people who see her and say.........."she's one of us! She can be our Washington slayer!" They see the fire in her belly, the no nonsense ability to cut through the crap and tell it like it is. They see Sarah Palin as a real live person who has emerged from an ordinary family and existance to take it all on. Her presence makes everyone else's presence seem lamely predictable and worn out. Even the new bright light Obama.

It all reminds me of something out of a Frank Capra movie!!

Did I say I wasn't interested? Did I say I didn't agree with the headline grabbing.........."most important election" diatribe? I guess I better rethink this because the election just keeps on grabbing hold......it keeps on getting more and more interesting as I glance over my reading glasses and take in the next breath of talking head babble. They will continue to consume themselves thereby helping her along. Sarah Palin will continue to spout off in too many unhandle-able directions and make glaring mistakes. This will breed new life into the talking head commentators, and will feed the comedy sketch grist mill of late night talk show hosts. Their jokes and opinions won't matter....... she will continue her meteoric rise from moose bagging hockey mom to the next Vice President of the United States. The masses are awake........and they like her. The people who were contemplating not voting altogether because of their disdain for McCain will be voting......and I'm afraid there's enough of them and of momentum to force her to pack up her growing family and head south.....er....east.

You know what? She's such a multi-tasking firecracker that I'm sure she'll manage to do juggle it all as well as make sure the lipstick is on in bold red. I mean after all, she's got God on her side and I hear he had something to do with the war in Iraq. There are moose in Washington aren't there?

Meet you in the foxhole. I'm ducking for cover.

ps.....is there an election on this side of the border too? Gee........who knew? I think we could use a big stir of the day old pot of past banquets.........a little spice to add flavour to the gruel. Where are the brass ovaried women eager to turn Ottawa upside down? Oh, we had that in the last election by way of the Princess of Auto Parts, Belinda Stronach..... she was going to be the saving grace ticket to an engaged constituency. And where is she now after breaking a few hearts, showing her glaring need to maintain her princesstry by always getting what she wanted. Well, after breaking up the marriage of one fine goon from the National Hockey League, Mr. Ty Domi, she hung up her skates and puckbunny ears, quit politics and has moved on.........into the quiet wilderness of the corporate world. That was enough to turn off any politically interested females who may have been on the cusp of running.

big stops and blue canoes

Hey Charles! Your very favourite wishy washy bleeding heart Irving blogger is home! Thought you'd like to know. Full on blogging on this site will begin again tomorrow.........! Who knows which direction I will go cause I sure as heck don't.........political, opinionated, sexual, or touchy feely smarmy...... stay tuned!

ps. It looks like you only have a couple more weeks to knock on my office window for a chat and a cig invite. Then, I will be lodged on the second floor away from the people I love to chat with, AND on the other side of the river away from a bus route. Should I not be set up with a desk in the front foyer so I can be the Irving blogger Walmart greeter????? Wouldn't I be good at that?

Perhaps we could start some lobbying.......pun intended.

C'est une bully.......

When I initially draw a mental picture of a bully, I automatically think of a big burly kid, larger than his peers picking physical fights on the playground. However, experience quickly kicks in with various shapes and sizes to go along with methods of hurting others. Still, my automatic thoughts revolve around the school yard. At first glance, bullying seems to have an age limit. It's a kid thing, right? Wrong. Bullying has many faces, and stretches across all ages. In fact, according to a recently published study, it turns out bullying in the workplace (where adults dwell) is more harmful and more prevalent than sexual harrassment and that more people who are bullied at work are more likely to quit than people who are sexually harrassed.

In an article today in the Globe and Mail, "office bullies can be deviously discreet. In his book The Bully At Work, workplace consultant Gary Namie helps identify these crafty tyrants by placing them into four categories. No matter how it "looks" it's always about control.

• 
  
  The Screaming Mimi controls by intimidation, belittling workers with insults, finger pointing and threats of violence.


• 
  
  
  The Constant Critic finds fault with colleagues' work, then plays the role of chiding parent to officemates.


• 
  
  
  The Two-Headed Snake is a passive-aggressive Jekyll and Hyde character who cheerfully goes for drinks with colleagues one day and then trashes their reputations in front of higher-ups the next.


• 
  
  
  The Gatekeeper sabotages co-workers by holding back money, office supplies and vital e-mails.


• 
  

Adult bullies, like their schoolyard counterparts, tend to be insecure people with ineffective social skills and little empathy. Instead of attempting to grow more self confident themselves, they turn their insecurities and fear of being recognized as incompetent outwards, finding satisfaction in their ability to attack and diminish the capable people around them. And it's not an overnight one time stab. It's a slow cooker poke, poke, poke. A workplace bully subjects the target to unjustified criticism and trivial fault-finding, often without anyone else around to observe the crazymaking behaviour. This can include isolating, ignoring, or humiliating their target. Sometimes it occurs in front of others, like a dismissal.........a non verbal wave of a hand at a meeting, or an interuption with a tone of voice that shrills in condesention.

Different expectations and rules around managing and monitoring work are also an indication that a colleague (or perhaps yourself) is being treated unfairly. If the bully is the target's superior, he or she may: set the target up for failure by setting unrealistic goals or deadlines, or denying necessary information and resources; either overload the target with work or take all work away (sometimes replacing proper work with demeaning jobs); or increase responsibility while removing authority. No matter what, it's an unrelenting unpredictable roller coaster where power is abused and used to undermine another person's spirit.

What's interesting is that the stereotype of the bullied person, someone who's weak or a misfit......the "loner" of the office couldn't be farther from reality. Research shows that the regular target for the bully is usually someone who is competent, well liked by their peers, and dedicated to their work. It turns out that these qualities are deeply threatening because they are out of the bully's reach.

There are big ramifications for bullying in the workplace. Bullies poison their working environment with low morale, fear, anger, and depression.Bullied employees waste between 10 and 52 per cent of their time at work. Research shows they spend time defending themselves and networking for support, thinking about the situation, being demotivated and stressed, not to mention taking sick leave due to stress-related illnesses. There is loss in efficiency, high absenteeism, high staff turnover. The target's family and friends also suffer the results of daily stress because the angst is brought home. Marriages suffer and friendships cool because the bullied employee becomes obsessive about the situation. As well, our health care system ends up repairing the damage with repeated visits to the doctor for symptoms of stress, prescriptions for antidepressants, and long term counseling or psychiatric care. In this sense, we all pay.

And we're all responsible.................

Workplace bullies use many methods to intimidate their targets. Based on studies of toxic workplaces, the Workplace Bullying Institute has identified 25 of the Top Workplace Bully

1. 
   
   
   Falsely accused someone of "errors" not actually made (71 percent).


2. 
   
   
   Stared, glared, was nonverbally intimidating and was clearly showing hostility (68 percent).


3. 
   
   
   Discounted the person's thoughts or feelings ("oh, that's silly") in meetings (64 percent).


4. 
   
   
   Used the "silent treatment" to "ice out" and separate from others (64 percent).


5. 
   
   
   Exhibited presumably uncontrollable mood swings in front of the group (61 percent).


6. 
   
   
   Made up own rules on the fly that even she/he did not follow (61 percent).


7. 
   
   
   Disregarded satisfactory or exemplary quality of completed work despite evidence (58 percent).


8. 
   
   
   Harshly and constantly criticized having a different standard for the target (57 percent).


9. 
   
   
   Started, or failed to stop, destructive rumors or gossip about the person (56 percent).


10. 
    
    
    Encouraged people to turn against the person being tormented (55 percent).


11. 
    
    
    Singled out and isolated one person from coworkers, either socially or physically (54 percent).


12. 
    
    
    Publicly displayed "gross," undignified, but not illegal, behavior (53 percent).


13. 
    
    
    Yelled, screamed, threw tantrums in front of others to humiliate a person (53 percent).


14. 
    
    
    Stole credit for work done by others (47 percent).


15. 
    
    
    Abused the evaluation process by lying about the person's performance (46 percent).


16. 
    
    
    Declared target "insubordinate" for failing to follow arbitrary commands (46 percent).


17. 
    
    
    Used confidential information about a person to humiliate privately or publicly (45 percent).


18. 
    
    
    Retaliated against the person after a complaint was filed (45 percent).


19. 
    
    
    Made verbal put-downs/insults based on gender, race, accent or language, disability (44 percent).


20. 
    
    
    Assigned undesirable work as punishment (44 percent).


21. 
    
    
    Created unrealistic demands (workload, deadlines, duties) for person singled out (44 percent).


22. 
    
    
    Launched a baseless campaign to oust the person; effort not stopped by the employer (43 percent).


23. 
    
    
    Encouraged the person to quit or transfer rather than to face more mistreatment (43 percent).


24. 
    
    
    Sabotaged the person's contribution to a team goal and reward (41 percent).


25. 
    
    
    Ensured failure of person's project by not performing required tasks, such as sign-offs, taking calls, working with collaborators (40 percent)

Looked at separately, this behaviour on this list seems minor. But when it happens over and over again, and one tactic is combined with a couple of others, it leaves the targetted individual feeling a sense of dis-equlibrium. It impacts everything from their confidence in working independently on a task without the ability to rely on their own judgement to how they feel others on the periphery of the toxic relationship are perceiving them.

Very quickly, the bullied person feels isolated and unsure of herself.......incapable of working at her capacity, and obsessed with her thoughts about how she is being treated. Trust slips away......... And because the tactics are so nebulous, there is little chance to legally deal with the situation. It is a passive-aggressive mess that is difficult to prove despite an armload of stories and examples. Consequently, the majority of people found in this situation usually move onto another work environment, sometimes leaving behind a job that they love. The bully carries on, simply finding a new target...........

How fair is that?

integrity

I can now see again.

I had no idea how blurry things had become.

things are clear as mud now.

funny, my eyes look brown tonight.

"Three things are necessary for the salvation of man: to know what he ought to believe; to know what he ought to desire; and to know what he ought to do." Saint Thomas Aquinas.

Would it be presumptuous of me to add a wee bit to Aquinas' thoughts? I mean he is a Saint and everything and I'm far from that. Given this is my speaker's corner, I will conclude that it's a moot question because I have already made up my mind. I'm adding.........

"Ought to" doesn't cut it for me. It simply can't stop at "ought to." Putting our beliefs, desires and knowledge into action is necessary for the salvation of man. What is awareness without action? It's just a bunch of talking clouds floating off on their own. William Glasser would say it is a "Darn good start," but one doesn't affect change, and possibly change for the better if one doesn't apply the goods. Going from the abstract of ideas based on beliefs, desires and knowledge to the concrete application is where integrity formulates.

Put your money where you mouth is? Isn't that the saying? If you're going to talk the talk..........start walking the walk. This shows integrity.

DO something!

Integrity is the stuff of action. It is found in someone who doesn't compromise their beliefs, who recognizes and respects others beliefs, who makes decisions and acts upon them, who is trustworthy and honest, who can be relied upon. A person with integrity cares about doing the right thing even when no one is watching because it is a constant underlying foundation to the person's way of being and seeing the world around them. A person with integrity doesn't dwell in a place of fear, where decisions are second guessed, where retentive constipation swells the brain turning it into a wasteland. Far from it!

Integrity is the stuff of effective leaders who guide by action and interaction. Always aware of the importance of the people they are leading or managing, he or she is not afraid to stand up on principle. Even if a decision is unpopular, one is made based on weighing all information, factors and on how it will impact others. There's no waffling and ruminating because of that second guessing virus. An effective leader is looking broadly at the people he or she is leading rather than wondering how to please the boss, or how to cover one's ass, or how to keep one's fingers clean.

Truth, reliability, care, compassion, candidness.......concern for humanity where everyone is considered equal, these traits, all found under the integrity umbrella are what is necessary for the salvation of man. Not just identifying and discussing them...........showing the behaviour that displays these intentions. A person with integrity is comfortable in their own skin, thereby able to accept that they make mistakes because we are all just human beings.

Though it is a well known quality, one that we all believe is the cornerstone of humanity, it seems to be an endangered one, or at least it feels that way where I'm sitting this week.

Here's a hypothetical situation for you.......a single mom with four kids living in public housing. The plumbing pipes in her basement back up for some reason and spew sewage an inch and a half thick onto the basement floor ruining everything it touches including 4 loads of unwashed laundry. She has to call for help.......and while she waits and waits and waits........her home stinking of shit, her children humiliated in front of the neighbours.......while she waits for the person who could've made a split second decision to send a cleaning company over, she arranges for a pick up truck and a shovel to begin cleaning it herself.

While she's cleaning up this waste, the people who could make a decision to help her continue to waffle on what to do. The powers that be after a day and a half finally decide that it isn't their problem. It is the single mom's problem and it will be up to her to deal with it on her own, knowing she has no spare money to use for a cleaning company. She then calls YOU to help her, to advocate for her...................what would YOU do, given that you have no authority to fix the situation and your dealing with people completely void of integrity? Since I'm already considered a shit disturber, you can guess how I would have handled it. :)

Thank God it is only a hypothetical situation. Heaven forbid that anyone would allow someone and her kids to live in a toxic wasteland for two days and not help them.

glass houses and all that.

"First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists, but I was neither, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Why don't we speak out? Is it because we don't have the ability to recognize the labels someone may carry as simply window dressing and we don't take the time to see that someone as a human being who lives and breathes exactly like ourselves? When we don't find the path to acceptance of others, we slide down the slippery slope of passive aggressive judgement. Why is it that we all have the tendancy to take that ride? Passing judgement, especially when its done with a sleight of hand using one chosen label can be downright nasty.

There are several coined terms that when used have the split second ability to register a judgement. It's like if you believe in the concept or term, you are on the side of who is living the right way, and if you don't fit the concept or believe in the definition of it, you are tossed aside and dismissed. Like the Communist whom they came for. Politically correct academics surf this wave. Environmentalists ride this smart car. Any group or individual who embraces a specific political, religious, philosophical or psychological theory with a closed mind to other's opionions or belief systems has the propensity to take a ride down that icy slide towards judgement. And it is almost always done with malice.




I'm not saying that we need to throw away all that we believe in. Of course not. Our beliefs and values act as the foundation for how we live our lives. They are the signposts we continuously seek in order to make decisions, to find the direction we decide to take. What I am saying is that just because we live our own life in one way doesnt mean we have the market cornered on what is right, or what is approved of. In fact, if we lean towards believing that we are completely and utterly RIGHT in our beliefs and values, we also are dismissing any opportunity for discourse and contemplation on perhaps living another way.





Impressions garnered by observing someone who doesnt seem to fit the mold can easily lead one astray when it comes to understanding or recognizing the belief system of another. For example, I hardly seem to fit the mold of a right wing leaning individual. In fact just last week, a colleague, whom I've only known for a short time was dumbfounded when I started talking about my role in Brian McDonald's campaign. His response to me? "I had you pegged for a bleeding heart NDP type. You come across as wanting to save the world."





Well, of course I want to save the world. Doesn't everyone?? This reaction is not new to me, so I was prepared for it. "Conservatives don't have hearts? You think the Socialists have the market cornered on compassion? Of course not. I may want to save the world, but I'm going to teach people HOW to fish along the way." He laughed.





My heart will never bleed to death. It would be useless then, now wouldn't it?




We cling to our beliefs like a liferaft and by doing so, we embrace the blindness we have of others. We passively and aggressively dismiss others by seeing them as their labels and not as other human beings who are living their lives the best they are capable of living them. They may be complete fuck ups. They may have made horrendous decisions thereby affecting how their lives unfold. Their beliefs and values may be utterly different than what you believe and value. Who cares? For crying out loud, can we strive to remember that we are all made from the same fabric?



The other night, the term Family Values took centre stage and played a key role in the outcome of the evening. Family Values? It conjures up visions of SNL's Church Lady.....remember her?? "How Conveeeeeeeeeeeenient................" was her response to something she considered reeking in sin. Just her way of saying the line spoke volumes while spanking the world with her beliefs.


Family Values...............I'm sure the term has been around for a long time, but it was re-introduced and slammed into our collective conscience by none other than Dan Quayle when he took on a TV character named Murphy Brown because she didn't represent family values. Remember that insane hype?? We see and hear it predominantly in American politics. GW has surrounded himself in family values types.



Just the other day, I was reading Dustin's new blog, ON the Margins and read a term I had never seen before, though I knew exactly what it meant........"Values Voters............" the same as someone who believes in the made up list of family values. (Oct 31rst post)



Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............I guess you could call me a Value Village Voter since I have shopped there........but a values voter??

You're either a values voter or not. You either believe in the list of evangelically based rules which make up the profile of a values voter, or you are going straight to hell. Now, I probably LOOK like a person who believes in family values. I am a wife and mother. I've been married for 20 years. I believe in God. I take my vitamins. I cook the dinners around here. My family comes first. I will do anything to protect and support them. Then things get hazy...........

Why?



Because I believe in equality for women. I am a strong feminist who shares the responsibilities of my family life with my husband. He owns the vacuums in this house! We split the work down the middle. We both work full time outside of the home. We both believe in pro-choice, pro hockey and promoting diversity. There is no head of this household because we have equal footing. Our family consists of people whom we are biologically related to, but also to many friends whom we would do anything to protect them, just like we were biologically related to them. We are community members who try to be open to other's life choices and expect others to respect ours. We nutured our daughter the same way we nurture our son by sharing and teaching the same core values and beliefs as well as promoting critical thinking and individual rights.



So, according to the working definition of family values, I'm going straight to hell. I havent broken any of the 10 commandments, but I am still a sinner because I believe in free will, equality of the sexes, and pro choice. I also don't believe in corporal punishment, which is also in the working definition of what constitutes a values voter. But, my fate is predetermined. Hell it is. Will Hugh Grant be there? I think I can count on it. goodie!



SEE! See how easy it is to slide down that slippery slope? I could carry on in this vein ad nauseum and never get anywhere with someone who's strongly believes in the republican definition of family values. Defensiveness, particularly when it is wrapped in a cheap shot is always a conversation killer.



Our values are near and dear to our hearts. They should be. They aren't really negotiable, or at least they shouldn't be too easily negotiable, and this is where my thoughts began on this topic. What I observed, overheard, and was informed of during the convention was that the winning candidate decided to ride the family values ticket as a way to win the nomination. Not only that, terrible slights were levelled at a decent man who has represented our country in two wars, and who has a dream of making a difference now on the homefront. He doesn't fit the so called profile of the family values kind of person. Young, single, handsome...............and unattached individual with no children................he was an easy target for cheap shots and rumours of leading the life of a wild and crazy single guy. Enough narrow minded individuals who didn't question the source took it at face value and voted against the best contender.

I'm not naive. I am well aware of the nastiness of politics. What I abhor, and I think what many voters abhor is the selling out factor...............to want something so badly that you would change your belief system? This is why most people don't vote, or get involved in the politcal process. In order to do so, one has to have the thickest skin imaginable because stuff will be flung, no doubt about it.



Family values.............we all have family values for goodness sake. Why is this umbrella term bastardized to fit the core beliefs on a particular group of fundamentalists? I think we can blame Dan Quayle for this one.

This country's foundation is built on the love and belonging of families...............families of all different shapes and colours. Families full of human beings trying their very best to figure it all out.

We all laugh and cry and worry and sigh.
We love and long for love.

We all seek acceptance and belonging.
Underneath the layers of values, you will find a bunch of naked human beings.
Whether you like it or not............we are made from the same human being fabric.


None of us are one dimensional cut outs. Rather, we are complicated walking contradictions for the most part because we are all on the learning curve called life. Everyday, our beliefs and values are tested.........sometimes by ourselves alone. It's time to broaden the definition of what constitutes family values so that we rid this community of the hierarchical judgement that does such harm. And then, lets move forward with good honest grace.

Let us speak out for one another, not against one another.

transitions are messy........

Lake George Road, Sept 2007

Finding myself on this road today I wondered about my own destiny. As much as I've tried to fit into a place where I felt I could provide and share of myself.......to help other human beings find their way in their journeys, it was made clear to me today that I'm not wanted. No, I wasn't fired. I was told that many find me difficult to work with.

Though I have had clashes with some over the mistreatment of the citizens whom we serve, I have never heard this before. In fact up until I was moved out of my office, away from my colleagues and into another building and a new group of people who had no idea what to make of me, I was Miss Congeniality in the office. I have the mug and the photo to prove it! I was a mentor to the younger staff, I was a well respected trainer, counsellor, consultant. I was respected and my opinion and feedback was sought by many staff. I had many referrals, helped many people and was productively an integral part of a team who respected me. Well, except for one it turns out. And that made all the difference.

I'm difficult to work with. Yes, I do confront. I will demand that we own our own mistakes. I will go to bat for someone whose needs are perhaps outside of the normal realm of policy. Why not? Why would we not consider human contrived policies a living breathing ever evolving piece of legislation? These are debated daily in our courts and political forums every day!

I will also be the voice that isn't being heard. Turns out I irritated too often.......AND I irritated the wrong people........the ones who work underground to besmirch one's integrity. They did a good job because the virus has spread. I am to be avoided I guess until I go away.

When the "feedback" was given to me.......it felt like a kick to the teeth and a punch to the stomach. But, I knew this "label" had adhered. I could tell by how I was being treated, and how I wasn't being included in discussions or meetings in the past. It made complete sense to me, though I had prayed that I was just being paranoid..........that their treatment of me was simply because they didn't have the time or energy to find the best place for me. Not so.........and now I know. I WAS dumped from my old job into another undefined one and left to rot.

I'm a threatening person to work with..................It had begun as a couple of seeds planted by a few whom I have been an irritant to over the years as I challenged and advocated on behalf of a client or a staff member (which BTW is part of my job).

Now, I have been labelled this way. I'm too over the top. Scary I am, I am!

And guess what? While I have tried to find my own way in this job I was dumped into with no direction, no workplan, no emotional support or a speck of anyone going to bat for me, I scrambled and scraped and became more and more distrustful. I reacted, responded and continued to ask questions. I started by just being diplomatically direct......assertive.........but alas, it was perceived as bitchy, threatening.........I was stepping out my place of honour. By so doing, I fueled the fire. I played right into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes........I reinforced the notion that Im difficult to work with. I didn't play the game. I guess if I knew I was into the middle of a game, I would've tried........ but I just kept thinking........ they must see what it is that I offer.

I don't offer what is required. ooooops.

I thought if I owned my own feelings, and mistakes...........if I verbalized honest feedback and shared my feelings about how I was being "used" that someone would see the good I had to offer. Instead, I guess I continued to scrape at their own wounds they were trying to cover up. I revealed their incompetence. I was too much of a pain in the ass to help.........ignore me and I would go away. In so doing, I dug my own grave.

And yet............when I reflect on the week.............

This week, I have met with several individuals. I have listened and counselled and done my job well. How do I know this? Because the people who shared their deep wounds with me, who spilled their tears while revisiting past abuse, addictions, and depression and suicidal thoughts, because these special people thanked me, hugged me.............dried up their tears and felt better.....who left with smiles on their faces..........who called me afterwards to thank me. I didn't dream this. It happened all week long.

I also had several phone messages two of which were from two gruffy old men with very serious health issues whom I had met last spring on separate occasions to welcome me back to work..........to tell me they missed me.......to ask for help...........and they called me "Dear." When I first met them, they were defensive and distrustful of the system. Now, they are reaching out when they need to.

I had two emails from individuals whom I had helped years ago........touching base now that September is back and we're all getting back on track. They both thanked me again for "being there" for them.

I also had staff who sought me out...........to talk about a certain case........to ask about my family and how they are doing...........to welcome me back........one asked me to help her with writing out a job reclassification because she trusted that I could find the words to describe what she does in her job. Another wanted to tell me about a situation which rattled her, made her question her ability in doing her job. I reassured her, and told her that I would be there to help with this case when the next meeting rolled around.

So, I must be doing some things right..........right?

I met another person who works in the system, who travels the same back roads and who often meets with the same people as I do but in a different capacity. We spoke the same language....the language of serving citizens.........and began a new link to one another so that we could provide a more cohesive service.

I planned future appointments......some in my office and some on the road. And, I also advocated.......loudly to no avail for a person looking for a place to live.

In the evenings............it was a busy week............I chaired a meeting, found a new executive for my son's Home and School............began the planning of a Christmas Bazaar. I met with all of my daughter's teachers so that they would know that she is supported at home and that we take education seriously. I also took part in a wonderful group organized by a colleague who has just experienced a 21 day spiritual meditative course in India. She gave us all "oneness blessings" after she shared her life altering experiences.

Gee.......maybe I need another one of those oneness blessings........

SO many positives which fight for attention. Unfortunately, my goose has been cooked. Even though I was just TOLD this in a blanket statement with no specific examples or situations identified and with no names attached to the victims of my apparent bullying, I am not a stupid person. The writing is on the wall. I won't be receiving any direction or help to find the right fit for me in this work environment. I have been made redundant in their minds.

I have no other choice but to redirect my attention on a career change and get out of there. AT least I finally know where I stand and that my paranoia was justified.

Today, after receiving this news, I got in my van to drive out to see a couple who live in the country, who are in need. Afterwards, I took the long route home to enjoy the beginning of the fall colours.............to clear my head, to think of my journey, to reflect on what mistakes I made........which ones I own, to find some perspective, and to step out onto this quiet road to look for a new signpost.

Let's hope it's just around the bend. I have faith that it's not too far away.