Friday, April 24, 2009

it is what it is....


The preference is always to have a choice, but its rarely the reality in life as much as we want to believe it is. We can set goals, make plans carefully, calculate our next steps and even make good sound decisions. But inevitably, other forces impact how our life unfolds. When you stop and think about all of the variables in our lives which have the potential to tug and pull us away from our much desired choices, its a wonder that we ever feel like we have a choice in how it all unfolds.

I wanted change but on my own terms. I knew it was going to happen. The budget writing was all over the walls! I pursued various avenues and tried to make it happen, but none of the options I was chasing came to be. There's no denying its been painful, and there's no denying I'm still dealing with the residuals of taking it personally. And there's no denying the hot tears of rejection as I struggled for a morsel of understanding as to why things happen. It all there. But, for some strange reason, I'm also feeling like a huge burden has been lifted. My vision seems clearer, and my belief in what is meant to be is allowing me to see a horizon of possibility. There's something to be said about just riding the wave.

This morning as I gather my thoughts and reflect on how I'm truthfully feeling, as I write this post.....I watched dawn break in front of me. The grey clouds moved swiftly from west to east, swept downriver with no control over their destiny. They ride their own windwave...always moving, always reforming, sometimes breaking up and sometimes gathering into a storm. There is bright blue behind that wave of grey. There is a sun too. Now that morning has arrived, I can see the birds too which up until now I could only hear using the wind to propel them on a flight path that looks like fun. They aren't fighting against the forces of nature. They are soaring with it.

Destiny is never held solely in our hands. Attitude is. How we play the hand we're dealt makes all the difference. I still have all the feelings I had yesterday and the day before floating inside me, but they are quickly being swept away by the anticipation of what is ahead of me. It's not a journey I want to take alone. Its not a hand I want to play by myself and thank God I need not worry about that. The choice may not be mine. But, who am I to think I'm any different than anyone else?

Bring it on.

12 comments:

Independent Chick said...

Dana, the title of your blog today is what I have been living by for the past little while compliments of Jenny Mac. It is true, you hit the nail on the head, it is what it is, despite all our planning, our best intentions. What we do have control over is our attitude and how we are going to handle the hand we have been dealt. It certainly isn't all aces but sometimes we don't need it to be, sometimes the cards are meant to take us in a different direction for a reason. A reason we can't always explain but if we have faith it will become clearer and doors will begin to open because of our positive attitude. Hugs to you Dana. Lots and lots of hugs.

Awareness said...

Thanks Stacey....I knew that Jenny Mac was a wise chickie! The up feelings are outweighing the downs...though they both seem a bit extreme at the moment. In some strange way, the crap i went through for a couple of years kind of prepared me emotionally for this.
thank you for your kind words Stacey. I'm now off to the Garrison pub to get loaded!

ps. I have another week...today isn't my last day. :)

paulwchambers said...

how right you always are.... destiny...hmmm, attitude? down to us only....

wish it all wasn't so fucking hard at times though, don't you?

Awareness said...

Paul...oh, how i wish....I forget what easy feels like. The lessons are numerous....!! When will I receive my diploma on these fucking lessons????

You know, it just keeps comin'...and I can't help but laugh every now and then, but I'm wondering if the laugh is of a crazy woman, or one who's absurdist button has been tantalized.

will ponder this over beer and wine tonight.... wish you could join the party. I may just hang from the chandelier...!

Gilly said...

Go with it, don't let it drag you along and down. Whatever "it" is - destiny, chance, luck, God, whatever. It IS your own attitude that will make the difference between happiness and despair.

Awareness said...

Gilly....I keep hoping i'm going to catch a break, but for whatever reason it's not happening that way....this is on a couple of fronts right now and not just the work stuff.

However, my attitude seems to be holding for some strange reason. My humour is intact, and I plan to give it my best shot. Thanks. I'm smiling here today....enjoy the sun and the warmer breezes....have the music on too.

Carmi said...

I've often held to the cliche phrase, "Life's what happens when we're busy making plans."

I guess my early-on idealistic dream of fully controlling my destiny will always be just that, a dream. But then I think about the fun I've had along the way precisely because forces larger than me influenced my journey.

For example, if I had completely had my druthers, we would never have made our way to London, I would never have detoured back into media and writing, I would never have stumbled into this crazy little career niche of mine.

The canvas wouldn't have been nearly as fascinating to look back upon as it is now.

I think your own canvas is about to take on some neat new colours and textures.

Awareness said...

Carmi...I believe you may be right and i think this is where my excitement and change in attitude is coming from. It may turn out to be a wonderfully creative catalyst. I sure hope it does.

Like you, we never intended to remain in Fredericton. It was supposed to be a two or three year stint. Our lives are certainly different than they would've been had we stayed in S. Ont. Personally, my career/training was in working with children....assessment and counselling. Yeah, I can test for IQ's! Oh, and I've got the certificate to deliver the Rorschach.....! But, because of the turn of events, I've worked with adults who live in poverty. This has been my calling all along and I didn't even know it.

Walker said...

Life is a crap shoot.
You just got to be awake to know when to duck when it comes flyng your way as you're travelling down the road.

Awareness said...

Well, shit Walker...I forgot to duck this time!! :) Oh well, there's always next time. I'll try to roll a 7.

daringtowrite said...

Dana, I've just discovered your blog. Reading back one post at a time and eager to read forward, too, to see where the wind takes you.

Awareness said...

Daring....learning how to go with the wind. Nature has a way of teaching us the very best lessons.