Monday, April 13, 2009


split second flicker in the eye
tightened judgement lips
a passing glance over head....
disinterested gaze
one hand gesture, finger up
scoffing tisk
yeah, right
you don't measure up.
such a loser
like you matter

no reply
never a reply
unspoken mouthful swallowed whole
unworthy of my time the silence roars
human venom pierces through dismissed hisses
back turned, shoulders up
talk to the says
talk to the butt...
you matter as much as a stranger

pretend blindness
hard of hearing
arms crossed
defiant stance
fuck don't exist.
I know you do, I just don't want you to

condescending tone
who do you think you are?
deafening silence
defensive guard as offensive reaction
blocked off
walled off
wonder if he's just shy?
maybe he's going through his own shit?
maybe she's just having another hissy fit?

avoidance....too intense
too many pleas, pushed into a corner
hidden meaning revealed
she's too much
she's too much
what the fuck does she want from me?
i can't give it.....

gotta get away
gotta get away
leave me alone says the silence
what's wrong with you?
You can't read my signals?
Seems pretty clear to me...
such a loser

disrespect reflected, of yourself perhaps?
my mirror shows your flaws in a light too bright?
naked realism
blemished cuts to the heart, your unhealed pain bleeds

guard not enter
misunderstanding stuffed in a pocket of pity
don't tell me you need me
you're too much work
ugly old puss, I can't even look at you.

gotta walk away
gotta walk away
gotta walk away

Disdain is the fashion of the day. Mean and rude...where is the shame?
The lingering echos of abandonment harken in the deafening hallway after the party's over.


Gypsy said...

Will a big ol' hug help Dana?

Awareness said...

Hey Gypsy! I'm fine thanks but will never turn a hug away. :) The piece was an attempt to pull together the behaviour of many. Disdain....dressed up as rejection, silence, entitlement, bullying, rudeness....seems pretty rampant to me.

And yes, I have been the victim of it too so it was easy to channel the feelings.
But, I actually conjured up a few images...a couple of relationships on the outs, how people are sometimes treated in the services industry, and even thought about that fucking Paris Hilton reality show where she picks her new best friend...GROSS.... and tried to put words to it. It is shameful behaviour. No one should be treated with disdain.

Rabbi Abraham Heschel wrote....The opposite of good isn't evil. The opposite of good is indifference. It BITES!

Pretty raw....brave girl for leaving a comment! Love you for it. :) I thought maybe I wouldn't receive one!!

Awareness said...

ooops! Rabbi Heschel didn't write the IT BITES part. That was me. He wrote the nicer more interesting and eloquent part of that little paragraph.

Anonymous said...

I am going through some of that rejection, silence and bullying right now and it does suck.
I am at a point in my life where I am wondering if God is leading me in a diferent directon.
You said it like I never could.

Awareness said...

Mavis....people do use such nasty tactics on one another don't they? it's like they talk out of both sides of their mouths...or their actions don't measure up to their words....
i wonder if i always means something, or if the other person is just going through major stuff themselves and are trying to reflect themselves away from their own crap rather than deal with it? easier to finger point and tell someone (in actions, or silence, or words....controlling ones) they are the one with the problem and not take a good long look in the mirror and see they should get their own house in order before throwing out the disdain like its proper.

I wish you well in figuring it out. :)

Scarlet said...

We've all been victims of it, and we've also been party to it.
Not intentionally perhaps.

Indifference breeds contempt.

Carmi said...

As much as I always try to look at the bright side of life, I too often find myself bitterly disappointed by the ability of some people to exercise seemingly limitless meanness on others. Whatever form it takes on - and I find your word choices and phrasings incredibly resonant in that regard - it's soul-killing for the rest of us. I often wonder why we bother to counter it.

There's no reason for any it. Some folks simply choose to be this way. And it hurts to be on the receiving end.

Rav Heschel was a very insightful dude!

Rainbow dreams said...

hmmmm yes would seem fairly common behaviour... far easier than being upfront and is so hurtful
but really it's only them who lose out in the end.

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

sigh...i always come away from you thinking "i'm not so alone"....

i'm ready for coffee or wine.

let me know the place.


Awareness said...'re so right. It seems like a vicious circle when this kind of stuff happens. Whether you're the victim or the perpetrator, and we've been both. It eats away at the ability to trust in others and your own instincts because we have grown extremely sensitive to it. It seems rare to meet someone who hasn't been impacted by a swipe of indifference somewhere along the line. When it comes at you for long periods of time, it most certainly knocks the wind out of your desire to be open to others. Consequently, it then blends into your next interaction even if its with someone else. This is how I see it.

Carmi....Don't we counter it because we know deep down that we're dealing with someone who is wounded. Plus, I believe we're curious little buggers and want to know why they are like they are. :)
However, having said that, our media perpetuates this bitchiness and rudeness throughout every venue and type....Columnists, Editorials, Talk shows, Movies, TV shows, Reality shows, Books, Cyberspace....we don't have to look any farther than our own PM!!!! He seems like a master of it, but you know......I want to know why? I want to know who pissed on his cornflakes that made him so disdainful. Trudeau too!!

Why we choose always seems to come from some hurt....that and its been "accepted" more as we continue to live in the "me" and "I matter first" society. Gotta end that shit!!!

Have you read Rabbi Heschel's books? Paul introduced me to him, and my husband then gave me two of them....brilliant man. I want to read more of his stuff.

Katie...I don't know whether its far easier in the long run because as I mention up above here, i believe its tied to previous experiences resulting in a whole string of these encounters so it may feel more like salt poured into a wound. The ability to trust in someone and then reading and understanding their motives are fragile things on good days. When the connection is ripe with second guessing, defenses go way up.
Personally, I can think of a few times recently when I've wondered about how much I am losing (or lost) on the victim side of things. With one relationship, I have managed to bring it back on an more even keel of respect after two years of being spit on with indifference. And when I learned where it was coming from....I was shocked that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. It didn't take away the deep hurt and the many sleepless nights crying over it, but it sure allowed me to realize that I too would've missed out. As for the other one....time will tell.

So, it could be that the perpetrator of the disdain is the only one who misses out some of the time, but i think its a loss on both sides. The problem is, there are many who will continue to keep their guard up and perhaps for good reason. Its difficult to know.

Irish Heather....too bad we've got a couple of provinces and a few states between us...perhaps we could meet in NYC in the future for a weekend of debauchery and fun! :) Was thinking that would be a fun thing to arrange with a bunch of bloggie gals, eh?? We'll get that lovely Gypsy over here too.

Anonymous said...

I was flipped off by three drivers last week. I never returned the favor. I didn't scream, curse, or even wave. Until the third one. She had pulled over on the side of the town square (in our tiny town), and I turned around and parked next to her. I then asked her to follow me to the police station. I honestly think I was hoping she would shoot me in the head.

It's been a shitty month, to say the least.

Scarlet said...

OOOHHHH! A Bloggy girls weekend in NYC?

Gotta get that Gypsy woman here though.

Gilly said...

Yeah! When you're old, and walk with a stick, or cruth, you are less than nothing. Even indifference is too emotional - you just become invisible to about 75% of the population.

But this disdain is definitely encouraged by the media and TV - it gets laughs, hurting people gets laughs, losers get laughs.

Me. I've grown a good armour, mostly it just slides off me. But if I get too invisible, and people get in my way, I can always trip them up with my stick!! (There ought to be a sign for "evil grin"!)

Awareness said...

Pinky....tres shitty! I want to know what happened on the way to the police station!

Scarletina? It would be fun wouldn't it? :)

Gilly...canes are good! evil grins are too....will have to think of a way to make the sign. ;)

Anonymous said...

She stayed in her car with her windows up, turned her radio up loud, and gave me the 'talk to the hand' sign.

I drove off thinking that at least I told her how I felt about it. I think that all 3,000 residents of this small town heard me tell her.
And I couldn't. care. less.