Wednesday, April 22, 2009

end of an era


In some ways, it feels like a typical April showery night, middle of the week. The hockey play-offs are on in the background, and everyone is settled in quietly calming down for bedtime. If it wasn't for the recurring jolts of reality which arrive with a zippedyzap through my system, I'd think all is well on the homefront. Alas, I can't ignore the swinging door mixed feelings.....the same ones which accompany the pity party happening in my head.
The job I have been doing for 16 years is no more. Kaput. I've been there since the beginning....I helped define it, create it....nurture it way back then. Now, its not considered important enough...."essential" enough to save....


So, where am I? Let me take Pip's lead and list 5 words...

Fluxed Up

So damn Angry

Appreciative of my friends at work who completely get the situation I'm about to embark on.

Wondering just why the universe continues to work against me and what does it all mean.

Invisibly redundant.

Many stories are stirring inside me.....they will be captured after I can pull my competing thoughts together in some linear fashion. For now........gotta clean out an office, connect with the people I need to connect with, pack some boxes, figure out how to cope, say goodbye (possibly as early as this Friday) to people I've worked with for many years, drink copiously this weekend, suck it up and get on with living a life I seem to have no control over.

today, in the middle of it all........a dear person who has continued to keep an eye on my interests and his heart in his caring support of me said the loveliest thing....He told me he loved me like a sister. It made me cry all over again.

Sometimes sorrow can be comfortable....right my kindred Harbour friend? Sometimes its the only place where comfort dwells.... The comfort is in the warm presence of someone who lets the sorrow spill out.....



20 comments:

paulwchambers said...

too fucking right.... a very wise person told me that recently....

sucks, doesn't it....they are the only honest words I can find for you....the whiskey beckons

Gilly said...

If I were where you are, I'd be right there giving you a hug. I can't make things better, or change the situation you are in even a tiny bit.

So please accept some big hugs and a shoulder to cry on from across the ocean! X

Awareness said...

paul...would love to meet this wise person.
sucks sums it up....in so many more ways than i can share here.

shall we just drink it right from the bottle? i'm there. :)

Anonymous said...

Dana:
My thoughts are with you and if there is anything I can do, talk ,coffee, pray,scream all of the above call me.
I feel sick with you.
Mavis

Awareness said...

Gilly...thank you so much. Though I am the only one in my office leaving at this time (my colleague is on vacation and doesn't even know what has transpired yet! What til she gets off the plane!! Jesus!) and it feels very strange, friends have rallied with words of encouragement and hugs....
Knowing you're out there thinking of me makes me smile this morning. thank you.

Awareness said...

Mavis...it's all happening so quickly that it's all quite numbing. plus, no real information about moves and roles and stuff on the other end yet. once i know the lay of the land, i'll be in touch. thanks.
ps. have a few feelers out too. ;)

Independent Chick said...

I have one hand around your shoulder giving you a hug and in the other, a really good bottle of tequila. Don't tell the girls though, they've cut me off the tequila. ; ) It will get better Dana, it will. xo

Mark said...

I am sorry for your loss. I do believe that all things happen for a reason and that there is a greater good that will come from this that you are not yet able to see. Trust that all will work out for the better. I know that it will for you. Love and hugs.

Carmi said...

I often wish I had the power to stop difficult times from touching good people. Having gone through this more times than I wish to admit - and too recently for the wounds to have fully healed - I can honestly say that I know exactly how you feel.

Whatever I can do to help, please don't be shy. I'm there now, so I've got mad skills in negotiating a world that seems to lose a little more fairness each and every day.

Scarlet said...

Ok, I can see the Pinot is NOT near strong enough for what ails you ma'dear.
Unfortunately, I can't partake of the fine whiskey that has been offered up.
No no ... that makes me want to beat someones ass.
Hmmm .... let me rethink.
Maybe I SHOULD drink it and go and tell the twits at your employ to watch their collective steps or they get to deal with a mean, loud mouthed, red headed Irish wench.
lol

I better stick to rum.

Keep your chin up ma'dear ... it can't stay craptacular forever.

Nikita said...

"Sometimes sorrow can be comfortable....Sometimes its the only place where comfort dwells.... The comfort is in the warm presence of someone who lets the sorrow spill out....."

amen

Awareness said...

Stacey....I'll teach you how to mix an upside down Margarita! We'll have to invited Jen and the Pole dancing princess too...they'd love it. Then, after that, Princess can show us how to play arse darts.

Mark...thank you friend. I haven't lost hope, nor my sense of humour or belief that there is a reason behind it all...I actually had a good productive day today. Tying up some big loose ends felt good. Plus, I was given another week to get my head on right and make the transition. That helps.

Carmi....you're a dear person. thank you . I may pick your brains on the writing stuff once I get on board at the other place. I am hoping that some of the work I did today will benefit me in the long run. it seems that there may not be a clear plan for me....so i'm hoping I will have some positive influence on the end game plan. we'll see. I'm realistic too for good reason, so am not putting my money on it.
I am seeing all of this as a catalyst...for what....God knows!

Scarletina....love the word Craptacular! Indeed it is right now.....but i feel like i've been waiting for so long that i now have some energy to burn....hasn't been there for a long time.

Niki...it helps so much to have someone to share sorrow with....the comfort felt by kindreds is immeasurable.

Smokey's Daughter said...

Wow you must feel betrayed. Your co-worker is in for quite a shock!
Once you are finished drinking the hard stuff and wake up not knowing where you are swing by my place and we will eat cake until we throw up. I always think that chocolate is the answer to everything! Hugs to you~

BreadBox said...

Oh crap. Sorry to hear this.
Hang in there --- bring some truth to the old adage that every door that closes makes you find another one to open....

Good luck, my friend,
N.

Awareness said...

Smokey...thank you for your support. I don't feel any betrayal though. It was a budget cut and I was in one of the positions that happened to go. I'm not taking any of it personally. I'm in good company that's for sure. :) I will come for cake though!

N....I will do my best!!! I did try to get out of there before the axe fell, didn't I? Now, where the heck is that new door?? I hope its bright yellow.

Independent Chick said...

I can always do drinks, no worries there. But I have been schooled on arse darts...I think I'll just sit back and watch. ; )

daringtowrite said...

A hard place to end up on the outside of a budget cut. How wise of you not to take it personally as you experience the loss and gather your courage for your next flight.

Awareness said...

Stacey...i understand completely. there are some things one can only really experience once and then it's time to be an observer. As for the drinks? I think I need to imbibe some before the dart activity. :) I think it would help with the nerve to do it. :)

Daring...as much as it was a shocker, I knew it was coming as i watched other programs cut. plus i was offered a reprieve and wasn't cut outrightly like many so i'm grateful for that and need to look at it as an opportunity rather than a funeral. this is where i'm trying to keep "my head" but there are times when i succumb to the reality that i am leaving many who are like family to me. that's where it hurts.

Tim Scammell, PTech said...

Dana, I'm so sorry and freakin angry about this. I didn't get to finish talking with you today but I will.
I'm going to miss you so much.

Awareness said...

Hey Tim tattooooo man! It does suck, but I did want a change....just wanted to make the decision myself. but i'm not taking it personally. it was a budget cut plain and simple.
I do want to hear what's happening with you...we'll finish that conversation, but I must say if we were going to be interupted, i'm glad it was Bert and I'm glad I ended up with the hug. :)