Hey Spirit......here I am.......

Recently, I read a "once upon a time long ago" fable about an Explorer who was travelling through unchartered territory.  He was obsessed and determined to be the first to forge into the mysterious unknown.  He gathered his belongings and hired three local tribesmen to be his Guides. 

They set out at daybreak on the first morning with a pace that hardly allowed time to eat a meal or to really look around at the new surroundings.  They walked until it was dark and set up camp.  The second day, the pace increased.  The Explorer kept looking forward slashing his way through the bush and missing out on the landscape, the vistas when the forests opened up.  He blindly walked right past a glorious waterfall cascading down from a spring fed stream....... The Guides kept up, carried his belongings, gave him water and food when he needed it.  This type of journey wasn't something they understood or were familiar with.  What was this Explorer searching for???

On the third morning just before dawn, the Explorer dressed and ready for another day of crazed travelling,  called to his Guides to tell them it was time to move on.  But the Guides remained sitting still.  With more agression in his voice, he demanded that they get up.  It was time to move on.  But, the Guides refused to move.  

"Why aren't you respecting my direction?" asked the Explorer

"We can't leave here," said one of the Guides acting at the spokesman."  "We must remain here so that our spirits can catch up to us."  

That's exactly how I feel.  I need to sit still and let my spirit catch up to me.  Does anyone else feel like that? 

To describe the pace of my life...........emotionally, physically, spiritually.... since March as a whirlwind seems like an understatement.  As much as I have taken time to be still, to reflect and to do all the things I need to do to let go of the poisonous feelings caused by the hurt, and as much as I get up every day with the determination to take it slowly.......   life doesn't work that way..... especially the one I seem to be leading!  

Leading?  NOT!  Well, OK, I take full responsibility for the choices I make and for many of the situations I find myself in, which is admittedly fed by my insatiable curiosity and hunger for learning and experiencing new things.  Granted,  I have had the blessed fortune to have experienced unbelievable life affirming, happenings that continue to be illuminating, challenging, and FUN, I am drained.  Exhausted.  To use a British term............. I am shattered.   Gobsmacked too!  I know that doesn't mean tired, but I love that word and I do feel it as well.  Absolutely fucking Gobsmacked by how my life seems to be evolving.  BRING IT ON!

I am in a good place.........no more shock in my system. That electricity jolting is gone.  I sat in the grief of my pain and shock............confronted it, cried in it, raged, swore, and blown my nose in it.  I've spent many nights pacing, writing, crying, laughing, reflecting, tossing and turning, praying, bargaining, denying, depressing, talking, sharing, listening, working, processing.  I have pushed through bad dreams, visual pictures in my head......felt such emotional pain especially some mornings when I wake up and realize that my marriage is no more.  Done.  Kaput.  Failed.  This has softened...... the hardness of reality has softened. 

I am now in a place where I feel lighter, where I am unstuck, where the blessings are so abundant!  My voice is back.  My inner strength is blazing in light!  I am strong for my kids.  I am strong for myself.  I am beginning to feel pretty again.  Even sexy.  Can I say that?  I havent felt sexy in a long long time. To quote that weird song about Gretzky being played ad nauseum on CBC Radio 2?  "Pretty bloody sexy, pretty bloody sexy....!"  ;) 

To be HERE right now in this amazing frame of mind and heart?  It is through much hard work and unbelievable unconditional support in order to let go of it...... this is why I am so damn tired.  I know there are many upheavals ahead, including a symbolic one this weekend when someone moves to town, just up the road for God's sake, I believe I am much more balanced than I expected to be at this point in the separation.  Still, I ask myself..........what the hell is that all about?  Why so close to the neighbourhood?  eeeewwwww!  Whatever.  I'm not a cat. I will not spray the territory.  But, for God's sake, this is a very large country!

There are many many events and situations I have no control over.  I may question it and wonder every now and then if God is just playing games again, I'm alright with that.  Surrendering is empowering as well as humbling. On the other hand, there are many many events I do have some control over.  If I continue to be aware of my own needs and those of my children, I will be just fine, and have some fun while I'm at it.  

In the meantime............what I need?  Time to rest, sleep, jump out of routine and let my Spirit catch up to me.  And that's what I plan to do........... let the wind carry my spirit across the waters, up  through the front door, down the hall and into my beautiful blue bedroom where I will waiting........

Let the universe unfold as it should.  Let it carry me in my Chestnut canoe (I wish!)  down through the river currents without once having to use a hard "C" stroke. 

Hey Spirit?  Come over and let's dance.  I'll be waiting........... the music is on and the wine is chilling.  I think you're gonna enjoy this place I call home.

a walk around the block.....

When mornings are heated by the intensity of counselling sessions, a noon hour walk is a must.  It clears the old noggin, and allows me to lose myself a bit through the lens of my camera.  Somehow the very act of seeking out colours, lines, designs, angles with my own internal lens, I can draw out all that I'm withholding in my cluttered brain.  It helps me refocus for the afternoon portion of my job.  

I often feel like I travel many miles within the course of a day interacting with other individuals.  Sometimes it feels like a very bumpy road.... sometimes it feels like the trip takes no time.  Sometimes it is draining, filled with more rest stops than normal, just to catch one's breath. Many times, there is relief, progress, change, happiness, anger.... heart touching stuff, all of it.  

Broken and beautiful.......healed and stronger.

Travelling with another through snippets of their lives is always astonishing.... always a blessing.  It's a blessing because it doesn't happen if trust isn't established.  It doesn't happen unless a connection is made between the two of you.  To me, this is the most fulfilling type of travel I can think of.  To learn to walk a mile in someone else's shoes.  

When I'm involved in listening to someone's life story, I try my best to concentrate as much as I can.... in order to absorb the nuances and meaning behind what someone has decided to share.  Cues from the non verbal stuff feeds the intuitive nature of counselling.  As much as I love it, in order to continue on, I have to seek out balance..... I have to clear my head in order to be ready for another trip with someone........... 

A walk around the block with my camera companion is always the best way for me to find that balance again.......... that and a good cup of tea.   These chosen photos are my favourites from today's little jaunt under blue, blue November skies........

Travel is the photo theme over at Carmi's this week............for more travel shots, check out his blog.  You won't be disappointed.......... I always love that trip to Written Inc.

hungry ghosts

When was the last time you told yourself a secret?

secrets.....

I read this last night and sent it along to a couple of friends whom I've shared a few secrets with from time to time..... and whenever I have, they always reply.... "You are beautiful...." So, I share more..... :)

"I have come to believe that by and large the human family all has the same secrets, which are both very telling and very important to tell. They are telling in the sense that they tell what is perhaps the central paradox of our condition—that what we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else.
It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are—even if we tell it only to ourselves—because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier that way to see where we have been in our lives and where we are going.
It also makes it easier for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own, and exchanges like that have a lot to do with what being a family is all about and what being human is all about."
Frederick Buechner.
_________________________

Wouldn't it be great if we all just let our guard down and spilled our real-ness knowing our vulnerability was completely recognized and accepted as the mirror of others? Wouldn't it be great that when we spill our real-ness, it precipitated a spilling response from others? Fear would be non-existant. A peaceful heart would be achieved. I'm thinking that this is where true unconditional love dwells....in the spilling of secrets and the non-judgemental acceptance of the truth.

And if by chance we cannot find open acceptance in a person whom we trust explicitly we always have the capacity to Twitter them to the Big Kahuna. I hear He likes to Tweet. :)

maslow.....

What would your hierarchy of needs collage look like?

Are your needs being met?

Are the choices you're making getting you what you want?

Is what you want the same as what you need?

**tonight's maslow collage homework brought to you by Martha.....good discussions had by all.....***

milk and cookies

In a world where chaos is the order of the day, when honking horns and blinking lights penetrate our overcharged senses, when even existing within the ordinary realm of life at normal speed seems to gyrate our inner core, the very idea of a lullaby can help soothe and comfort. When fear grabs hold of our air passages, when adrenaline sends trickles past impossibility, when we find ourselves gagging over what is expected of us only to trip over one regret after another, a lullaby can spread new tendrils of hope towards a better way.

Consider the feelings wrapped in the motion of a lullaby. Say the word aloud.... it sings on its own from your curled tongue and kissed lips like a soft welcoming whisper spoken by someone who cares.

Calm, secure, reassuring...... you are loved.

Not all lullabies are expressed in the form of a song or poem. They are multi-sensory in nature.....even the pouring rain can offer solace if you want it too. The rhythmic rocking of the subway home has a reassuring feel to it after a long day in the city. The trickling of the brook, an afternoon breeze, the sound of a sleeping dog, the purr of a cat.

Visually we can step into its beauty when we appreciate the expansive sky, a garden of blooms, a canvas splashed with watercolour glory, a mantel dressed in a multitude of candles flickering in the night. The familiarity of lavender essence, baby powder, the aroma of coffee perking in the morning, cinnamon buns in the oven, the smoke from a campfire. The taste of a cold glass of milk and chocolate chips cookies freshly baked, a sip of cointreau to warm your lips and throat, an ice cold beer after a long hot sweaty day working hard, vine picked sun warmed ripe strawberries bursting in your mouth.

We seek comfort in the simple gifts....all are lullabies when our mental health is flooded by panic and stress. Close your eyes....think of your lullabies.....picture the place where you can go to feel the healing goodness of your sanctuary.

A hug, a touch, an I love you so much........

hush, hush, hush.....

____________________________

Comfort Inside of a Lullaby

unsmiling spirits follow you around
their voices shriek a horrible sound.
faded glories and dreams rush quickly by
seek comfort inside of a lullaby.

loneliness echos from a rumpled bed
sleepless nights keep company instead
used up air filled with uneven sighs
come inside the comfort of a lullaby

worries need gathering, hung out to air
rock to the rhythm of an ancient prayer
unsmiling troubles will soon say goodbye
when you find comfort inside of a lullaby.

hush all the stirring, let your sleepy head rest
there's light to guide you back to your nest
soft voices to cradle, to soothe away cries
come inside the comfort of a lullaby

hush, hush, hush......

essentials

thirst quenching....

water
human touch
belonging
freedom
salvation
affirmation
sex
faith
sweetness
fun
kindness
redemption
a caring voice
silence
an answered prayer


nourishment.....

soulfood
validation
friendship

family
recognition
new learning
empathy
loving like you've never been hurt
music and lullabies
freedom
peace of mind
human touch
God
intimacy
creative expression
fun
lovemaking
a prayer acknowledged

physical fulfillment.......

food
a safe haven
a good nights sleep
human touch
stress alleviated
fun
physical and spiritual connectiveness
exercise
silence
unconditional love
clothing
warmth
dancing like no ones watching
freedom
a pair of shoes
God
peace of mind
sex
the sound of music
meditative prayer


What needs are essential in your quality world?

Where does beauty fit in?
Is it a need?

What happens when our needs are not met?

Is what you are doing, thinking, and feeling
getting your needs met?

emotional manipulation disguised as.....

"One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. But, an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome." (pulled off a cyber-conversation thread on emotional abuse happening on the net tonight)

We are more apt to be clear about our physical boundaries, but for some reason we are tentative to put forth the emotional ones. Why is that? By the time we figure out we're dealing with someone who initially makes you feel needed, wanted, loved but really has ulterior reasons in developing a relationship with you, you've lost the chance to set the boundaries. The process seems so straightforward, but it is far from that.

Dealing with someone who uses the vulnerability card confuses and smears the lines. Interacting with a human being who plays with your feelings is like taking part in a mind blowing game of russian roulette. You try to get out of it, and the finger pointing anger reveals itself....anger which simmers with revenge as well as a complete refusal to take any ownership in the breakdown of the relationship. Sometimes the act is disguised as the silent treatment.

When things begin to unravel in one of these unhealthy soul destroying relationships, the emotional manipulator with bend and twist and try to pull others into the foray. They will avoid taking any ownership by denying, lying and turning the tables onto the other person....they will try to lay the blame anywhere but on their own laps by playing the guilt and shame cards. WHY? What are the unmet needs of a person who acts this way?


Survival?

Love and Belonging?

Empowerment and control of life?

Displaced revenge?

Unhealthy coping mechanisms?

Poor self esteem...?

Doesn't know any better because they grew up in a co-dependent emotionally abusive environment?

It really depends on the individual's personal unresolved conflicts, past relationships, and heavy baggage that is brought into new relationships. The goal to fulfill unmet needs always depend on the crap from the past. And you know what, these people are vulnerable and its the last feeling they want to feel....they seem to do everything in their power not to feel vulnerable, not to be ignored, forgotten, offended, or manipulated themselves. Like a bully, the manipulator hates to have it applied to them. Manipulators are bullies. They just look and feel differently than the traditionally accepted view of a bully.

When I was in high school, I dated an emotional manipulator. After a year of dating, he fell ill with anxiety and depression. It wasn't the first time, though it was the first time since I had been around. His mental health decline was so debilitating he couldn't attend school. He could hardly get out of bed. Medication and counselling intervention kicked in again and this reality sent him reeling into a deep sense of failure. His parents, especially his mother was desperate to pull him out of the spiralling and turned to me to help him. I was 16 years old.




Everyday after school, I walked to his house to spend time with him, and to complete both my homework and his. And everyday, I was met at the door by his mother who shook with fear and anxiety....who would share her relief with me......and say things like...."thank God, you're here. Maybe you can pull him out of this." For two hours every day for months, I sat by his bed and listened to him describe to me how suicidal he felt....how he thinks of killing himself....how he had dreamt about shooting himself in the head. Then, the emotional swing of the axe would fall.

"I don't know what I'd do if you broke up with me." He said this over and over....sometimes packaged in different wording, but always the same message.

I felt like I was responsible for making sure he survived. I was trapped...pulled in....a mess. Thank God at the time I was able to get away for the summers to work at a children's summer camp. It saved my sanity.

It continued for a whole year until one day when my father saw me crying on the phone trying to break it off, he took the phone from me and hung it up. Then he asked me what i wanted to do. I told him I wanted to break up with him, to get away from him. And in three magic words, my burden of keeping this person alive was taken away from me...."Then do it." This of course came after my family and my friends supporting me, listening and worrying about how it was impacting me. I was blind to most of it, though I ended up with gastritis and other ailments.

He's still alive. He never married, never had children. He works and runs marathons. I think he has a motorcycle. Every once in a while I hear about him through my high school friends and it always makes me feel kind of sick. I had an update just last week. Even though its been years and years and I live far away from where I grew up, I was still completely creeped out.

He was the first of several people I've encountered since whom I seem to gravitate towards. By no means are they all male. In fact, some of the "best" emotional manipulators are female. It doesn't happen as intense as the very first time.

I learned a lot from it and I think some of the reasons why I went into the field of counselling can be linked to this intense experience. However, every once in a while, I get caught in a web. The boundaries aren't in place, and all of a sudden the vulnerable "whoa is me" messages begin to be layered with manipulative messages. It always hurts when I recognize that it has happened again, but by then I'm in the web and it's a messy pull out.



There's not much I can do about the other person. I can't change them. Like anyone in this situation, I can only change how I respond, on how I handle myself by reflecting on what it is in ME which leads me to fall into these type of relationships. Unfortunately there is always a lot of messy fallout where guilt and shame based stuff gets tossed about.

I've got a lot to learn because obviously i'm getting some of my own twisted needs met as I actively play a role in these unhealthy friendships.