lying and sneaking and cheating, oh my.

 

Sad how we live in a society so corupt of the values we espouse but never apply.  Sad how we have it in ourselves a gene that makes us so interested in the pain of another.  We have grown accustomed to as well as numbed by the mean antics of others applied to another human being.  Have we tripped the light on empathy and respect?  Do we live in a place of denial where our vitriolic hurtful actions get cleansed by the neurotic delusions that what we do doesn't hurt another person.  Does voyeurism, no matter what the cost,  trump doing the right thing?  

Values, particularly the key ones tied to humanity and living a life where kindness, integrity faithfulness, loyalty, and love, seem like they have become fleeting thoughts (oh, that would be a nice idea our brains say) rather than applied actions.  There are so many bald face liars out there, its difficult to know who is an imposter and who isn't. 

Lying is an art and if you're good at it, my God you can fool anyone.  Except yourself.  Oh, sure you can carry on living in a place of denial.  You can surround yourself with others who believe your lies and grand illusions.  You can even talk yourself into believing another reality than what is the truth.  Heck, you can even play the role of victim so beautifully that you convince even the most sceptical being.  But one day?  The curtain will lift.  The most brilliant white light will be shining directly on you.  And all of a sudden, every grey hair, pock mark, scar, and wrinkle.... every shivering quivery lie, every moment you were sneaky, voyeristically snooping into another person's life just for a thrill will be visible to YOU!

Don't think you're invisible.  Don't ever believe other's are blind to the way you have chosen to live your life void of applying the values you so carefully collected every Sunday while attending church.  Oh!  You stopped attending??? You may have a beautiful sweet sounding voice.  Who knows?  You may always carry yourself surrounded by a breeze of supposed innocence so that many get pulled into your fake humility.  Just be aware that you are nakedly exposed......... take a look.  Mirror, Mirror.  

Justify.  Justify your actions.  Can you do it?  Why is it that people can rarely walk their talk?   Say one thing?  Do the right thing.  

Action ................ Reaction.   My turn...... I'm acting.

Lying and sneaking and cheating make me want to wretch.  

ps.  And to the three or so UNB readers who have been scouring my blog for extensive "visits" over the past couple of days?  I'm assuming you were looking for a voyeuristic buzz?  'm blogging this one especially for you.  Hope you enjoyed the posts you carefully summoned up from your workstations.  Hope it was titilating enough to take you away from what you should've been doing.  Working!  Shalom.

the awakening of temptation

temptation may

steal away focus,

create internal conflict

shrug off moral reasoning

taste like nectar

leave a bitterness

catch your breath

tantalize thoughts

launch you into thin air

cry for freedom

frighten a grown man

start a new journey

tamper with dignity

strip down integrity

be gloriously sinful

stir a curious woman 
 shower you with shame

heighten your cravings

bait your spirit

harmonize two minds

be the answer to a great mystery

spark a lost soul

generate energy

kick you in the gut

knock you to your knees

create an obsession

fill you with shame

force you to confess
AWAKEN

leave you wanting more.

Temptation entices a wandering passion in need of affirmation with its spicy bravado.   It spins self control on its side, wrapping it in an alluring flame with mesmerizing dreams. It chokes discipline leaving it impotent to that charismatic  serpent and charms you into playing out your unrelenting wishes.  Acting on a tantalizing temptation may alleviate the trembling ache of emptiness or it can fuel the heart with an burning desire for more.  Is the allure ever beyond judgment, or does it always embody sin?   

What tempts you?  Have you decided to acquiesce?  

'tis the winter season of Lent. A time for dark soul reflections, confessions and forgiveness. Lead us not into temptation.........

unfairness

Nothing, absolutely nothing burns my ass more than unfairness.  It is deceitful, immoral, inhuman, unethical, disrespectful, underhanded, and just plain rude.  When I hear of a situation someone has found themselves in that is clearly unfair and are having a tough time trying to rectify it, I can feel my rankled nerves fire up.  Push that button in me, and seriously watch out because no one, I mean NO ONE should be treated unfairly.

In my world, unfairness revolves around castrated systems.........made up of bureaucratic tapeworms that devour living, breathing human beings and spits out faceless cut outs whose forms fit certain policy garb.  One dimensionally shaped the same, void of feeling, and emptied of any unique story that may make them an exception to a rule, faceless cut outs are much easier to contend with than the real deal. Prejudged even before the person can open their mouth.  Prejudged even before there is a face to face meeting.....if one is even arranged, and if it is arranged, the balance of power is always, always TILTED, weighed down by rules and regulation ammunition, and preconceived myths.

Unfairness reeks of injustice.  It distorts perceptions by slapping judgemental labels on the nearest victim. Empathy is laughed at. There's no room for empathy.  It's for sissies.  But you know what?  Systems can't be unfair without human beings manipulating it right?  Systems are driven by living breathing humans who bleed too...... sadly,  humans who are afraid to deviate from the fear mongering policy manual.  Is that it?  Afraid to listen, afraid to help, afraid of reprimands if they risk stepping out of the assembly line?  Perhaps it just comes down to the fear of FEELINGS??

We all have biases.  Mine is focused on unfair practises. I have no time for them. I will fight them. I will go to bat for anyone I believe is getting the shaft, who needs someone to be their designated hitter. No problem.  However, my emotions often get the best of me because of how much I am triggered by unfairness venom.   Most of the time, I don't care.  I can figure it out after the wrong has been righted............ or at least we've given it our best shot. 

Yes, I can see the big picture when it comes to the overarching reasoning behind needing structure, guidelines, rules, laws.  And Yes, I can sometimes/barely work within a system if I have some respect for it.  I'm not a pushover though I have advocated in the past for people who turned out to be frauds.  But, I do react too quickly sometimes when I see a Samson and Goliath scenario playing out. 

Today, unfairness poisoned the air all around me.  It festered and laughed hideously while jousting with a firepoker. It pissed me off!  As much as I have learned how to manipulate unprincipled actions into submission, I do know how to play the game, how to stretch the sides of a policy, how to talk nicely and even bomb it with love. Sometimes though, I slip up and let my anger lead the way.  Today, I let it rip!  On purpose.  Because I could. I punched the lights out on unfairness.  Tomorrow round two.  Bring it ON.  I'm not finished.

Yes, today was a good day.  I got an emotionally charged cerebral workout while teaching someone how to stand up for their rights.  Empowerment should never be overruled by a human driven system made for cut outs.

for or against the flow....

Fairness....the word which floats up from the cosmos of my brain this morning. It's one of those concepts which seem to have as many definitions and interpretations as there are people. Or maybe the way its definition is shrouded by one's view of the concept of democracy, or what is considered correct and just. Fairness encompasses justice, integrity, decorum, balance, equality. It seems so straightforward when one simply skims the surface of it. Ah, but it's certainly NOT. We may all strive to accomodate the other meanings, the other layers of what constitutes fairness. Our way of perceiving it is seen through a prism of our own heartfelt emotions, our values and our logic. My logic may look very different than your logic. My logic has a tinge of blue and a smattering of red in it. What colour is yours?

Fairness means that a process is considered soley collaborative. Competition is not in the picture. Or maybe there is fairness within the realm of competition? I mean, someone has to win and someone has to lose in a game and we accept that as fair. But, I can't help but scoff at the times when one starts out in a competition with governing rules about who wins and who loses and then in the middle of the game, the rules change. Is that fair?

Is democracy competitive? Of course it is. Is it fair? hmmmm......On the level headed idealistic thin skinned surface it is, though I don't believe most democratic processes are purely and honestly played out. Strategies and behind the scenes political maneouvering are the norm, some more subtle than others. But, we plebians will never know the kitchen table talk that truly goes on during the course of a hard fought battle for leadership unless we are invited to the table. The way our systems are set up, its obvious the power of a few override the power of the masses. We are fed what they want to feed us in whatever packaging they feel will sell.

We can easily slip into the thinking that there is constant tyranny of the majority, and sometimes there is, but there comes a point when we have to grab hold of something solid and take a leap of faith. The problem is sometimes its damn difficult to figure out when we let something slide and when its time to stand up to the majority. It's mucky when the majority is a veiled version of democracy.......

Or maybe it isn't difficult for you. to figure it out. Maybe you have a clear picture in your head and heart of what is right and wrong....of what you will stand up for and against which drives your actions and in turn drives the decisions you make in your life? That's fair and good on ya if you're clear on this. Most days, I'm jumping back and forth on an issue trying to see the reasoning....

Well, there are some heavy duty deal breakers in my mind....equality, honesty, safety, respect, dignity..... if someone is living under the cloud of terror, whether it is a domestic abuse situation or it is under the constant threat on their lives, where power dictates from a place of hatred and greed, I'm triggered. If there is a brutal bully involved, be it on the local or global playground, fairness becomes a clearcut black and white issue for me as it is most likely for you. HOW it is handled may be different, and this is where fairness gets all cloudy in my mind.

Do you think my definiton of fairness simply comes down to recognizing that my interpretation of "an eye for an eye" is different than someone elses?

And then there is the whole side of this longwinded thought.....will i just think about what is and isn't FAIR and ruminate on it until the cows come home? Will I bark out my opinions and bellow at the moon over the unfairness of whatever event/situation/issue turns my cranky crank? OR will I step up to the plate and ACT? Am I a victim or am I a player? Will I sit on the sidelines cheering or booing or will I take the leap out of the stand, grab the ball and run??? What sparks my butt to get up and take it on?? And if I do take it on, can I be fairminded enough to see the underlying manifestations of someone else's motivation? Fairness is a compromising balance of striving for reconciliation isn't it?

Whether I decide to step up to the trough without thinking about what's for dinner, that's my individual choice to make. However, if I want to be "in the game..."..... if I want to "play...." I have to be cognizant of the fact that all is never what it appears to be and in accepting that, I have to figure out which hills we fight over or we'll spread ourselves too thin. Too thin and my anorexic approach to tackling something meaningful to me is useless. I wouldn't have the strenth to stand up to what I honestly believe is right or wrong, immoral, unethical, promising, hopeful, inhumane, evil if we aren't aware of the issues and how they impact our values. And, if I'm aren't aware of our values, I am soaked in a brine that leaves life limp and salty. Who the heck wants limp and salty?

Sometimes I read something on a blog and it broadens my thinking on a subject which may be burning a hole right through the heart of the author and perhaps I havent really put my time or energy into understanding the issue....or I had been locked in my own opinion. This happens most often when I read a piece where the owner of the opinion has taken the time to lay out their argument in their own words using their own passion. I may not agree with their "take" on an issue, but I can at least appreciate their candor.

Its easy to pluck a news story or a video and paste it on ones blogsite disguised as a personal post. I tend to avoid those heavy handed political blathering blogs. They aren't interested in discourse with anyone who may question their stance. Their opinion on fairness is clearly drawn in the dirt with the message that their way or the highway is the only way. Don't see it their way, you suck, you're wrong and you don't count. See it their way and you can join the circle jerk. Yes, I avoid those barking blogs because whatever argument comes to the forefront is smattered with personal "your mother wears army boots," jibes. Who needs to spend time with someone even if its in cyber land who simply is looking for a cheap fight?? I see no fairness or equity in that approach. It just reeks of bad breath.

In all that is fair....? They choose to use their cyber-platform as they wish. I choose to move on. It's the same as the choices I make with respect to my overall learning. Important to note on many levels, because what i choose to learn is smothered by my interests, my life situation, my values, my upbringing, opportunities, access....etc, etc.....

So we pick and choose our "battles" based on our passions and personal experiences, sometimes clouding our ability to see how another is perceiving the fairness of situation or at the governmental level, of how a direction was decided upon. It's the same at the street level where decisions are made that impact us personally. Fair? Democratic? Am I right and you're wrong? Are you right and I'm wrong? Is fairness ever monochromatic? It really gets bogged down into the paralyzing core of political correctness doesn't it?

Am I confusing the hell out of you, as I am myself?? Is it even fair to ask these questions? Sorry, I have been in the car a heck of a lot this week and consequently the convoluted permutations and vascillations have wreaked havoc..... eeek!

Fairness......its a fundamental concept we try to teach our children at a very young age, often starting out as measured equality and broadening out with parameters and rules to guide it. It's a concept we continue to struggle with through the prism of our moral reasoning which is layered by how we learn how to see the world, what we hold dear to our ethical fabric, what is impacted us personally, and what we have learned. Fairness is the underpinning of our values. It is what gets our blood and juices flowing. It is an everchanging kaleidescope impacted by the experiences we step out and into, by what we feed it through our learning. It is as complicated to figure out as it is simple to establish. It drives our notions of democracy and has the capacity to allow us to walk a mile in someone elses shoes....... OR it can be a deal breaker in the eyes of someone who is not willing to focus beyond their line in the dirt.

gee, and to think this little word....this little concept came to mind when I was trying to figure out if it was fair that I didn't get that job...... hmmmm, that's a bit of confessional self absorption isn't it? ....... I guess when I try to look at it from another side, it was fair in someone's eyes. :) And if I look at it another way, the experience left me with much to think about. that's a fair trade i guess. ;)

Jean Vanier, a builder of hope and light.....

He has lived most of his adult life in France, but he has been chosen as Canada's "Nation Builder" by the Globe and Mail. No one else fits the bill quite like this gentle, humble holy man. Jean Vanier's calling and how he has chosen to live it....quietly and with very little fanfare is truly inspirational. The founder of the international L'Arche communities, Vanier's lifework has altered the very way we understand and treat people with severe disabilities. His written body of work reaps in his thoughts and beliefs allowing someone like me to learn from him. Jean Vanier has much to teach our world. If you were to ask me who I would like to meet the most, to have a chance to sit down for a cup of tea with, it would be Jean Vanier. My admiration holds no boundaries for this man.

When I first heard of the L'Arche community and the philosophy behind it, I was in my early twenties embarking on a new job at a rehabilitiation centre in Toronto. It was my responsibility to create and run a "sensory stimulation" program for children and teens who were multiply handicapped. These kids, many of whom had never been involved in any structured programming designed specifically for them because of their severe limitations, and tragically our own limitations in seeing the need. They became my kids every night of the week as we explored a new world of colour, light, tastes, touch, music, movement, interaction and friendship. I loved the job. It was a challenging open ended discovery.......a perfect place for me to thrive. Still is. :)

The field of sensory stimulation and sensory integration was very new in the early 80's.....the concepts just starting to be understood, so I found myself creating as I went along. I relied mostly on the feeling of comfort I had working with children who were considered by many as cast-offs.......who actually frightened most people because there seemed to be no recognition or bonding ability. Many of these children lived in institutions or were living with families who were taxed emotionally, physically and spiritually to the max because of the lack of support in their communities or from extended families. The severity of the disabilities these children lived with meant that they required 24 hour care and supervision.

Many were at the rehab centre for wheelchair fitting, feeding and/or communication assessments or post-op care. Some of these children would arrive from acute care Children's hospitals after experiencing traumatic head injuries from accidents and were now ready for healing and rehabilitation. These kids, often still in a layer of coma but re-emerging and becoming more and more alert would begin with me in the sensory program before moving onto another recreational level later on in their healing. It was like watching a uniquely changed flower rebloom. For whatever reason, my intuition and comfort level allowed me a window into their individual worlds. Though it consumed me at the time, and I had a very tough time leaving their beautiful faces behind when I went home at night, I grew more as an individual than in any other setting I even grasped at the time.

For some reason I saw these children in a different way.....and felt a sense of bonding. I never knew how or why and for the most part while I worked there, I struggled with understanding this part of me. It wasn't until years later when I finally sat down and read the words of Jean Vanier and Henri Nouwen that I could see how connected it was to my spirituality. At the time, I questioned God, wrapping myself in the very idea that there was a God out there who would allow such pain and suffering to wrapped up in a child. I constantly asked why God created a place where babies were born with such disabilities and deformities. I wondered if it was an omen.....would I be given a baby of my own who was sick and frail and in need of constant care? Learning of the L'Arche communities then was salve to my own confusion, though I still dismissed the very idea of believing in God or at least believing in a God who could be so callous.

Reading Vanier's words, tied to the very concept of caring for the most vulnerable, of living as equals, helping one another, learning from each and every person we meet, offered me a missing link in my own awareness. It has somehow helped me make some sense of a senseless world. I guess it was my own "sensory" integration. Vanier's core religious beliefs, which have guided him and anchored him throughout his own journey resonate so deeply inside my own reflections. I'm not alone.....he has touched the hearts and souls of many. His persistant faith opened a door to recognizing my own, and most definately helped me believe in God again.....a God who loves.

"We have a strange notion of God," he writes
"It is linked, I think to our fundamental sense of guilt,
a God who condemns and punishes,
a God who just wants to take away what we love,
a God who demands sacrifices.
But that is not God.
God is Love.
God is Mercy.
God loves each one of us and knows who we are.
God is never disappointed in us.
God knows our basic fears, our fear of not being loved...
even our fear of being loved.

God loves us just as we are
and wants to reveal how deeply he respects us.
During one of our community weekends in northern France,
an assistant asked Frank, a man with disabilities
if he prayed.
He answered, 'yes.'
"What do you do when you pray Frank?"
"I listen."
"What does God say to you?"
"God says to me, 'You are my beloved son," he replied
That is what we discover in prayer:
we are a beloved son, a beloved daughter, of God.

God wants us to be united to us,
to reveal his presence to us.....
God's presence is also just as real
within our weakness and our poverty too."

Our Nation Builder of the Year..... A precious gift to us all. May we all embrace this gentle human being's beliefs, recognizing the most vulnerable who are tucked inside our own frailties.

Here is a link to the news story on his award. It gives an overview of the man himself and describes a bit of the L'Arche community and philosophy.




ps. Greenbelt bound perhaps? I wonder if that is a possiblity? :)

folding laundry.....and Britney.

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself folding clothes in a laundromat after I somehow managed to melt some kid's snowpants to the back of the inside of my dryer. The zipper on his coat jacket turned to a hard mass of plastic glob. I had good intentions........a bunch of boys in the house after heavy duty sledding..........I threw their wet stuff into the dryer while they warmed up and had a snack. 20 minutes later, we all smelled the very recognizable odour of melting man made materials...........by then it was too late. Turns out I stuffed the dryer too full and the air vents were covered.

Can I say that this is yet another example of Murphy's Law? If one manages to melt a kid's winter attire in one's dryer, it will always be the kid whom you don't know that will be the one affected. Nice way to introduce yourself to the kid's MOM too.

"Hi, you don't know me but.......................I'm the airheaded mother who........" Oh, and let me add that this child was the best friend of the kid who lives across the street whose Dad thinks he has the right to judge all others as below his standard of approval?? GREAT! I normally get a look of disdain.......you know the one where the person's face looks like it had sucked about 10 lemons........whenever our paths cross during gardening season?? You know that type? I don't really take it personally because he throws it at most of our neighbours...... I just try to avoid having conversations with him. And I really try to avoid conversations with him that begin with...

"GEE, _________ I completely fucked up by melting your son's bestfriends snow gear to the back of my dryer. Can you send the mom over when she comes to pick up her son so I can square it up with her? By the way, any new plans for the garden this spring?"

So........once that was admitted to, profusely apologized for, and resolved with only a bucketful of leftover remorse to deal with...........I found myself alone with a dryer with hardened bits of nylon and plastic stuck to the inside dryer drum. I got down on my butt, stuck my head in the dryer and began to scrape it off, only to realize that the little bits were flying through the once obstructed airholes and settling in with a pile of accumulated lint behind the back of the drum. The alert light went on in my head.......potential fire hazard.....beep,beep,beep....... (obviously this light in my head was shorting out only an hour before when I shoved 4 jackets and snowpants and a bunch of mitts and hats and scarves into it without blinking.........doh).

At this point, I'm paranoid and begin wondering just how much lint has nestled in the back of a dryer which owes us NOTHING as it is a gift from God that it still works..........and then I begin to wonder how much lint has accumulated through the whole venting system. By the time my imagination takes complete control over an otherwise sane human being (that would be me), I have decided that the dryer is completely off limits until we can get the back of the drum unscrewed and pulled out and scrubbed down........until we suck out the lint etc......

But, we can do this on our own, cant we?? Apparently not.

Special bolts require special friends with special tools..........enter our handyman friend who lives in the neighbourhood and who was in need of empty wine bottles for his homemade hooch........He just happened to phone at the right moment, for me not him. We arrange a modern day barter thing.........empties for bailing us out AGAIN. I mean, he's ALWAYS looking for wine bottles. Such a pain in the butt he is. er.........actually....... i'm sure he hesitates to call this house for fear of what request I have..... I do offer him a gift from time to time..... a good laugh.

So......the back of the drum of the dryer was taken off, scrubbed and the whole area was delinted. Easy? SHOOOOOOUUUURE..........that part was. What wasn't was being able to put it all back together after the whole drum slipped and nothing could be aligned. A phone call to the dryer fixer guy......the one who gets paid for dealing with zealous mothers who are trying to be nice by drying all the neighbourhood kids snowgear all at once...........the earliest visit?? 2 weeks.

Hence...........finding myself folding clothes early one Sunday morning at the laudromat. However, because of my screw up, this is what I learned:

Most laundromats look and smell the same. And, I love the scents of mountain fresh, after the rain, sunshine softness, blossoming meadow, citrus essence, spring anew combined together. It smells of goodness and memories for some reason.

Using the large industrial dryer which safely holds two loads of laundry and dries it all under an hour for a measley 2 bucks is WAY more cost efficient.

Folding clothes is a chore I don't mind doing.

Interesting people use the laundromat before 9 am on a Sunday morning. Friendly too.

The most profound learning that morning was that Britney Spears has my complete empathy. Until then, I had glossed over the many stories of Britney's spiralling life seeing them as one incident at a time and not a series of unrelenting cries of a very ill young woman.

On the TV bolted up in the corner of the laundromat was a review of the last couple of years, one incident after another with gory commentary from drooling media types who are sliming their way to being famous for being there during one of this poor woman's episodes. I was only half paying attention until then. All of a sudden I was struck by the plight of a mentally ill human being, vulnerable and broken, collapsing in front of our eyes.

And it continues doesn't it? This week as she is struggling behind closed doors while the pirhannas swim hungrily waiting for her to show her sad face again, I wonder if she will make it? I care about whether Britney Spears makes it. I care about the treatment she has received, about society's role in perpetuating the insatiable thirst for celebrity drama. I care about whether her plight will turn a corner and allow her to find her way without the flashing cameras and psychological intrusions.

She may be the cause of some of her situation.........but who really cares about that at this point? I just hope this talented beautiful human being makes it, and finds the loving trusting support she will need to live a life of freedom and piece of mind. She's one of us.

Welcome To Vancouver, Canada

Five minutes after this picture was taken of this man, he was dead. He was killed by a taser attack, and an RCMP knee to the neck after he was completely doubled over on the floor writhing in pain from the electronic jolt resonating through his body. He vibrated and yelled in agony after he was shot not once, but twice by an over zealous RCMP officer.........one of four who had arrived to "deal" with this distraught tourist from Poland.

Mr. Dziekanski, 40, did not speak English, and had been at the airport for more than 10 hours, 6 of which he spent in the baggage handling area wandering around unnoticed. UNNOTICED! No one took the time to approach this man, who most likely was in a state of anxiety and for some reason disoriented to a point where he couldn't find his way to the exit area where his mother was anxiously waiting for him. If he looked anything like he did in this picture, I would think he wouldn't be blending into the hoardes of travellers stopping to pick up their luggage and leaving.

What does this say about the security of the Vancouver Airport?? If a man can wander through the passenger arrivals areas for 10 hours after disembarking from his plane without anyone noticing, how safe is this airport? In this age where airport security is supposed to have been beefed and tightened........and a man walks around aimlessly for 10 freaking hours??!!

These questions however are minor compared to the other unanswered questions.................

Mr. Dziekanski was killed on October 14th. The details of his death at the time seemed to indicate that he was completely out of control, confrontational, dangerous.........hence the need to taser him twice. Fortunately, his story and the truth was captured by a witness who video taped the incident.........from the moment of this picture to his tragic death. Like millions of others, I sat in horror watching the video on the National news last night.

I am at a loss for words to describe it.

It was true that this man was agitated at the beginning of the video. He threw the table he was holding. He three a computer, while talking in his mother tongue. At the same time, 4 RCMP officers (there original story indicated there were 3 of them................I counted there were 4) approached him, and Mr. Dziekanski seemed to calmed down. As he backed up to a counter, facing the officers and not acting threatening or confrontational at all.............simply upset and bewildered.......he was tasered which brought him to his knees right away.

I have never seen the physical response to a human being tasered. It's sickening and completely inhumane. Why they thought they had to zap him again is completely beyond me when they didn't have a reason to taser him in the first place.

His mother had been told that there were no records that he had gotten off the plane?? How can that be? She went home believing that he missed the flight, only to be woken by a 2 in the morning phone call from the airport authority to return to the airport. Unbeknownst to her, she arrived to identify her dead son........and to hear a made up cover up story of how her son was completely out of control deranged and died during a struggle with Canada's finest.

This is a story the RCMP will not be able to cover up. It's been caught on camera. Though they are doing their "very best" to spin it like they are known to do, its not washing away the blood. Tonight listening to AS it Happens on the CBC, one V.P. (where the hell are the Presidents/CEO's to deal with this??? Pansies!) after another stammer and stall and gag over their own words...........

They are going to get to the truth of the matter. They are never going to let this happen again. They are sorry and feel so badly for the mother. The video is only one side of the story.....an investigation will allow the parties involved to share their side........OH EXCEPT MR. DZIEKANSKI. HE'S DEAD!

Good thing we can count on a thorough inquiry and investigation into this unforgettable incident. What? Is it true?? The RCMP investigate themselves?? Sounds like a big wanking circle to me.

May this man rest in peace and may his dignity be posthumously restored.

May tasers be banned forever. They are glorified torture devices.

AND, may a whole bunch of VP's, CEO's, RCMP officers and a few baggage security staff land in the unemployment line at their local Human Resources office. Let's hope they dont have to wait too long for service. You never know what could happen.

glass houses and all that.

"First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists, but I was neither, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Why don't we speak out? Is it because we don't have the ability to recognize the labels someone may carry as simply window dressing and we don't take the time to see that someone as a human being who lives and breathes exactly like ourselves? When we don't find the path to acceptance of others, we slide down the slippery slope of passive aggressive judgement. Why is it that we all have the tendancy to take that ride? Passing judgement, especially when its done with a sleight of hand using one chosen label can be downright nasty.

There are several coined terms that when used have the split second ability to register a judgement. It's like if you believe in the concept or term, you are on the side of who is living the right way, and if you don't fit the concept or believe in the definition of it, you are tossed aside and dismissed. Like the Communist whom they came for. Politically correct academics surf this wave. Environmentalists ride this smart car. Any group or individual who embraces a specific political, religious, philosophical or psychological theory with a closed mind to other's opionions or belief systems has the propensity to take a ride down that icy slide towards judgement. And it is almost always done with malice.




I'm not saying that we need to throw away all that we believe in. Of course not. Our beliefs and values act as the foundation for how we live our lives. They are the signposts we continuously seek in order to make decisions, to find the direction we decide to take. What I am saying is that just because we live our own life in one way doesnt mean we have the market cornered on what is right, or what is approved of. In fact, if we lean towards believing that we are completely and utterly RIGHT in our beliefs and values, we also are dismissing any opportunity for discourse and contemplation on perhaps living another way.





Impressions garnered by observing someone who doesnt seem to fit the mold can easily lead one astray when it comes to understanding or recognizing the belief system of another. For example, I hardly seem to fit the mold of a right wing leaning individual. In fact just last week, a colleague, whom I've only known for a short time was dumbfounded when I started talking about my role in Brian McDonald's campaign. His response to me? "I had you pegged for a bleeding heart NDP type. You come across as wanting to save the world."





Well, of course I want to save the world. Doesn't everyone?? This reaction is not new to me, so I was prepared for it. "Conservatives don't have hearts? You think the Socialists have the market cornered on compassion? Of course not. I may want to save the world, but I'm going to teach people HOW to fish along the way." He laughed.





My heart will never bleed to death. It would be useless then, now wouldn't it?




We cling to our beliefs like a liferaft and by doing so, we embrace the blindness we have of others. We passively and aggressively dismiss others by seeing them as their labels and not as other human beings who are living their lives the best they are capable of living them. They may be complete fuck ups. They may have made horrendous decisions thereby affecting how their lives unfold. Their beliefs and values may be utterly different than what you believe and value. Who cares? For crying out loud, can we strive to remember that we are all made from the same fabric?



The other night, the term Family Values took centre stage and played a key role in the outcome of the evening. Family Values? It conjures up visions of SNL's Church Lady.....remember her?? "How Conveeeeeeeeeeeenient................" was her response to something she considered reeking in sin. Just her way of saying the line spoke volumes while spanking the world with her beliefs.


Family Values...............I'm sure the term has been around for a long time, but it was re-introduced and slammed into our collective conscience by none other than Dan Quayle when he took on a TV character named Murphy Brown because she didn't represent family values. Remember that insane hype?? We see and hear it predominantly in American politics. GW has surrounded himself in family values types.



Just the other day, I was reading Dustin's new blog, ON the Margins and read a term I had never seen before, though I knew exactly what it meant........"Values Voters............" the same as someone who believes in the made up list of family values. (Oct 31rst post)



Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............I guess you could call me a Value Village Voter since I have shopped there........but a values voter??

You're either a values voter or not. You either believe in the list of evangelically based rules which make up the profile of a values voter, or you are going straight to hell. Now, I probably LOOK like a person who believes in family values. I am a wife and mother. I've been married for 20 years. I believe in God. I take my vitamins. I cook the dinners around here. My family comes first. I will do anything to protect and support them. Then things get hazy...........

Why?



Because I believe in equality for women. I am a strong feminist who shares the responsibilities of my family life with my husband. He owns the vacuums in this house! We split the work down the middle. We both work full time outside of the home. We both believe in pro-choice, pro hockey and promoting diversity. There is no head of this household because we have equal footing. Our family consists of people whom we are biologically related to, but also to many friends whom we would do anything to protect them, just like we were biologically related to them. We are community members who try to be open to other's life choices and expect others to respect ours. We nutured our daughter the same way we nurture our son by sharing and teaching the same core values and beliefs as well as promoting critical thinking and individual rights.



So, according to the working definition of family values, I'm going straight to hell. I havent broken any of the 10 commandments, but I am still a sinner because I believe in free will, equality of the sexes, and pro choice. I also don't believe in corporal punishment, which is also in the working definition of what constitutes a values voter. But, my fate is predetermined. Hell it is. Will Hugh Grant be there? I think I can count on it. goodie!



SEE! See how easy it is to slide down that slippery slope? I could carry on in this vein ad nauseum and never get anywhere with someone who's strongly believes in the republican definition of family values. Defensiveness, particularly when it is wrapped in a cheap shot is always a conversation killer.



Our values are near and dear to our hearts. They should be. They aren't really negotiable, or at least they shouldn't be too easily negotiable, and this is where my thoughts began on this topic. What I observed, overheard, and was informed of during the convention was that the winning candidate decided to ride the family values ticket as a way to win the nomination. Not only that, terrible slights were levelled at a decent man who has represented our country in two wars, and who has a dream of making a difference now on the homefront. He doesn't fit the so called profile of the family values kind of person. Young, single, handsome...............and unattached individual with no children................he was an easy target for cheap shots and rumours of leading the life of a wild and crazy single guy. Enough narrow minded individuals who didn't question the source took it at face value and voted against the best contender.

I'm not naive. I am well aware of the nastiness of politics. What I abhor, and I think what many voters abhor is the selling out factor...............to want something so badly that you would change your belief system? This is why most people don't vote, or get involved in the politcal process. In order to do so, one has to have the thickest skin imaginable because stuff will be flung, no doubt about it.



Family values.............we all have family values for goodness sake. Why is this umbrella term bastardized to fit the core beliefs on a particular group of fundamentalists? I think we can blame Dan Quayle for this one.

This country's foundation is built on the love and belonging of families...............families of all different shapes and colours. Families full of human beings trying their very best to figure it all out.

We all laugh and cry and worry and sigh.
We love and long for love.

We all seek acceptance and belonging.
Underneath the layers of values, you will find a bunch of naked human beings.
Whether you like it or not............we are made from the same human being fabric.


None of us are one dimensional cut outs. Rather, we are complicated walking contradictions for the most part because we are all on the learning curve called life. Everyday, our beliefs and values are tested.........sometimes by ourselves alone. It's time to broaden the definition of what constitutes family values so that we rid this community of the hierarchical judgement that does such harm. And then, lets move forward with good honest grace.

Let us speak out for one another, not against one another.

slippery when wet...........

Crash Davis: It's time to work on your interviews.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: My interviews? What do I gotta do?

Crash Davis: You're gonna have to learn your clichés. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: "We gotta play it one day at a time."

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Got to play... it's pretty boring.

Crash Davis: 'Course it's boring, that's the point. Write it down.

Taken from the movie Bull Durham.


Trust is built on integrity. There's nothing more repulsive to me than realizing I have been duped by a slippery person who projects an image of honesty and trustworthiness. Though I try to give someone the benefit of the doubt, when it comes to the field of politics, I seem to have run out of patience with the jargon based postering ever present in the spin that is spewed out on a daily basis. Who does one believe? How can one form an educated opinion on any party, on any issue when it seems like we never have a clear picture or an honest take on any situation?


Politicians and bureaucracy would eat their own young if it meant that they would look good in the polls. Fuelled by fear.............fear of being perceived as inadequate, incapable, impotent.....fear of not looking strong in the eyes of the voter............fear of showing any vulnerability........our systems churn out the most innocuous weaseley prose as a means to cover up one's zits. Does anyone really believe any politicians these days? What about televangelists? Talking head journalists? Publicists? Talk show hosts? Lawyers, Salespeople, Mechanics, appliance Repair people............and the business world all have their own jargon, their own way to persuade, dissuade, and cover up the truth. I don't care what flavour or stripe they represent, our public figures ooze slipperiness. There seems to be no way around this beady-eyed problem because it has spread like the Black Plague and has infiltrated all forms of media, marketing and our way of life.

It's enough to make you crazy trying to figure out who to believe as we continue to drown in a slippery slope sea of cliches and over-burdened concepts.


"at the end of the day......"

"above board......"

"just between you and me......."

"trust me........."

"I'm here for you...."

Is sincerity a thing of the past? I don't think so. In fact, I believe we are way more alert and aware of the tactics and spins thrown out at us on a daily basis. I believe we have developed a more sensitive doublespeak filter.........one that can sniff out what is simply slippery goobledeegook from honesty. Integrity is making a comeback.......the problem is that anyone who has honest to goodness integrity is intelligent enough not to waste their time running for office. On the surface, that may feel like it's a shame, but I believe people with true integrity are looking at different ways and means of making an honest difference in this world. It may be the more difficult route.......because their is an awful lot of slippery stuff to shovel out of the way.........but in the long run, doing the right thing and finding the right way to lead will ulitmately win out.

To quote Crash Davis................."And God willing.................we will win."


for more slippery sonnets, snipes and scenarios............check out Sunday Scribblings.........

understanding venus....trying....

It's a known fact that a woman's worst enemy can be another woman for no other reason than some sense of threat. It's a weird and wacky conundrum, one that seems to rear it's ugly head on a daily basis. When you consider the ongoing strides made even in recent history to reach a point where equality may one day be attained on all fronts, you would think that women would've learned to be supportive of one another. And yet.......

Yesterday, a young woman in my office who has been juggling two full time jobs to stay afloat and to pay her bills was offered a new permanent job with benefits and a future. She was beyond excited as we all were for her. It has been a long haul and she deserves it and more. With no family for support, this means the world to her. And yet..... when she called her supervisor (a woman who has done nothing but put up nasty roadblocks for her over the past year......BECAUSE SHE COULD and nothing could be done about it because my co-worker was in a casual position and had no "hand" in the situation....thank you George Costanza for the term) all she received was hums and sighs and catty replies. This is SO common.

Last week, I was informed of a situation which occured over MSN between a few friends of my daughter......all girls...... being nasty and ganging up on another in their supposedly closeknit group. Though there wasn't MSN when I was 13, I do recall the nasties loud and clear. It's girl bullying, and it continues with adults in the boardrooms, on the sidelines at a ballgame, in the schoolrooms, in church meetings, at committee meetings.......just about anywhere.

Time and again, I see the actions of women who are just plain rude to other women. I remember not too long ago sitting beside a male friend chatting with him. We were sitting at a table that was half empty enjoying the conversation with others. Along comes voluptuous vixen in a push up bra and poofy blonde hair (from a bottle) who grabs a chair and somehow slides it in between me and my friend and promptly sits down with her back to me. So, what did I do? What did I want to do?

Today, I had a conversation with another colleague.....her question to me....out of the blue....was, how do some women move up in the ranks while others more qualified stew in under the ranks and never move in their careers? Million dollar question, really though sometimes its pretty darn obvious, at least to someone else standing on the sidelines observing. They use the tools they were taught to use, and some are able to samba their way better than others.

I'm totally fine with that...........use whatever you want, but don't stomp on other women in the process. Where I completely turn off is when this happens and it happens way too much. I don't really know why, but i have a few theories as to why some women have this way of completely turning off all other women.

Territorial.......... it's in our ancestral genes, and it can manifest itself in many ways. Come to close to my world, watch out for the claws is one end of the continuum. The other end? The territory is open and relaxed and welcoming. Most of us are some where in the middle. If my "territory"........be it my circle of friends, my family, my husband is somehow targetted you better believe my antennae is up and alert. If I see another woman brazenly and rudely interfering with any of these people in my life, I wont stand idly by. AND I will point out the behaviour afterwards to the intended target.....cause sometimes? It's mesmerizing!!

Temperment......and this one doesn't seem to be solely found in women, well neither is the territorial one, but there is a mamma cat and kittens feel to the territorial reaction. Someone who is introverted by nature meets up with an extrovert and there's a feeling of disconnect while one sniffs out the other. These are two very distinct planets sometimes and it can be difficult finding your way. Though I think if we took a step away from our own labelled temperment, we would see we have both in us. It's just that they are revealed in different scenarios.

Values.......aka.........stay at home moms versus career moms. A field of landmines this one because it is a longstanding discourse on justification of existance peppered with religious beliefs, socio-economics, role identification and clarification, marital support, familial history and last but not least what's best for the children. When there's a clash of the momma titans on this one, just get out of the way, because it's a no win eternal tug of war. If you want to hurt someone badly, start criticizing the way they are as parents. The thing about women who bully, it is never done directly. Rather it's a slight here, a dismissal there...........and dig underneath. It's all quite passive aggressive. Where is the respect?

Kids vs. no kids............see above........

Mistrust of other women...........a lesson somehow gleaned from others........perhaps even from past experiences.

Confidence: In the long run, it really comes down to confidence doesn't it? I mean, if you're confident about the choices you have made and the opinions and values you have chosen to have as your foundation to make the choices than you're comfortable with yourself. It's as easy as that. But, if you're struggling with your self-esteem to a point where you're protecting yourself from not being friendly to others, you are going to act like all wounded people act......in an obnoxious rude manner.

Women who are obnoxious...........who flirt and ignore others around, who use their sexuality especially in a coquettish teasing manner, like they are unaware that they are even doing so, who think of themselves above and beyond the other female minions may think they are invisible to the rest of their venus sex. I've got news for them. They glow in the dark.............a bright neon pink....... and will live their lives with very few female friends.

how sad..................because a life without girlfriends is an empty one.

ps. can someone out there in blogland please help me. i can't seem to arrange my posts with spaces between the paragraphs. I set it up and then click on publish and it all squishes together. it looks awful........and it makes it difficult to read. AND it's driving my aesthetic eye crazy. please and thanks....if you can tell me what i'm doing wrong.

spilling some beans.......

You know you're in trouble when you can't settle down enough to watch a mindless yet exciting hockey play-off game. I've been pacing around aimlessly all evening..........flitting from one activity to another, one chore to another and not accomplishing squat. No, I'm definately unsettled. My brain seems scrambled and wired, but my body feels heavy and slow.

I will take a page from Pip and list the 5 emotions I am feeling right now.

1. drained
2. pissed off
3. frustrated
4. growly
5.unfocused

Not an upbeat list, n'est pas? It is an honest assessment.

This morning, while enjoying my first cup of tea, I read this small piece by Henri Nouwen which has remained with me all day and is the impetus for this post......

Writing to Save the Day

"Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.
Quite often a difficult, painful or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too."

How I wish I had met this man. More often than not, I have read something Nouwen has written and am blown away by his insights and the timeliness of my reading/finding it.

So...........tonight I write for all of the above reasons.........and to settle the unsettled.....and perhaps to find some meaning.

I truly have a love--hate thing happening in my workplace. I love the work with clients, especially when I am on the road, which I was during the first three days of this week visiting them in their own homes...... my post on Monday was an exceptional situation. Most of my "home visits" are nothing like that.

I love counselling and meeting new people. I love helping the ones who need help, learning from them all and hearing their stories so that I can relay them onto paper to advocate on their behalf. I also love teaching and facilitating, which I don't get to do as much as I would like, but when I do have the opportunity, I am more alive and focused than in any other work activity besides counselling. It's a natural fit for me.

Unfortunately, I am working out of a poisoned environment that I can't seem to rise above. It is dysfunctional on so many human resource levels that even the air in the building seems to be tainted. Since moving over to this building to be on this new "team" (and I use the term with a sarky tone) I have tried time and again to find resolution, to find a way to make it work. Not a damn thing has worked. I hate the place. It sucks my energy and literally leaves me in a mindless disarray. I have yet to reach the level of productivity I once had before I was moved out of my original team "family." It's like I'm working on one burnt out cylinder when I enter the building. I'm firing on all cylinders when I'm on the road or engaged with the clients. I'm firing on all cylinders when I'm in front of a group facilitating. In fact, I arrived this morning freshly fired up from three days on the road, with the zippy energy to deliver a workshop during a team meeting. By noon, I was completely void of all zip..........and filled with disgust and rage.


Today, the rubber met the road. I realized I'm in a no-win situation.......

As part of my job responsibilities (which after 7 months are still being defined and clarified...........why this is taking so long is beyond my comprehension) I was first up at the unit meeting to provide my team with some insights and information on Learning Disabilities and Attention Deficit Disorders. Many of the people we work with and/or their children are diagnosed with these labels. My team, who has NEVER had ANY type of training in human relations or relationship building, had requested this topic and were keen to engage in a facilitated discussion. It was the second such opportunity for me to share some of my knowledge and to be useful to my new team. The last topic I covered was a very beginning view of what schizophrenia is. They had found it helpful, and since then they have all arrived in my office individually to ask me about a particular client they had encountered, or to talk about their own personal experiences with family members etc who have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness.

So, I'm up in front of this group of 8 people including my supervisor who is sitting in direct line of where I am standing. I begin by starting a conversation on the basics of communication.....verbal vs. non-verbal......... of how sometimes people with serious learning disabilities lack the skill to effectively read non-verbals.........that the term "learning disability" is an umbrella term which encompasses many language or numerical glitches in learning. We talk about how a person with a learning disability most often scores high on an IQ type test, unlike someone who is developmentally delayed. One of my colleagues asked many questions about Attention Deficit Disorder and whether or not someone diagnosed with that also has a learning disability. I knew he was asking from a personal perspective. Both of his sons have been diagnosed with ADD.........he shares his frustrations with the school system.

The session is going well...............I LOVE the interaction..........I can see they too are firing on different sparks...........they are making connections.........examples of encounters they have had with clients who couldn't read, or couldn't follow instructions are shared............

AND all the way through this lovely hour, our supervisor sits directly across from me with her whole body turned away. When she is sitting forward, her arms are firmly crossed and her facial expressions depict something close to disdain. She wiggled and jiggled and crossed and uncrossed her arms. She harrrumphed and hemmed and hawed........ she did her non verbal best to disrupt the flow of the session.

AND THEN.....AND THEN.....she abruptly stood up in the middle of the session and left the boardroom. The woman bolted!!

This rude and immature behaviour is not new to me. It is the type of behaviour I have been experiencing for months now. I was initially shocked by her disrespectful rudeness and the reaction from my colleagues....HER staff was immediate........."what the hell was that all about?" "What is her problem?" "I can't believe how rude she is to you."

Calmly (don't know where the calm came from because I really had the urge to follow her and choke her........I think I was comforted in knowing I hadn't dreamt it, and that others had seen her behaviour that perhaps the calm came from there) I continued with my session after I shared with them how relieved i was that they had seen it too.

Afterwards, I was livid. The list of slights, disruptions, of being ignored and treated rudely, of interuptions and lack of knowledge or interest regarding my role or the skills I can bring to the table......the fact it took this supervisor 3 months to request and read my job description and my resume.........the forgetting of sending me emails to inform me of a meeting and then showing up in my office to tell me I had been missed........the ongoing bullshit because, as my colleagues stated, I somehow threaten her..........the bad chemistry and personality clash we have both felt since the beginning......GROWS and GROWS and GROWS............!! When she is around, she is loud and obnoxious. Her laugh is a cackle that reverberates off the walls......I'm not kidding. She gives me headaches and triggers my own disgust for incompetence.

In the past 15 years, I have had ONE ONE!!! supervisor who was an effective leader, who knew how to work with people. It blows my mind the level of incompetence of management. It blows my mind that the root reason for the anchorlessness of this office I am in is the result of the misfiring of management cylinders.

Here's an absurdity......... As I was out on the road for 3 days, my supervisor along with all her flunky co-horts were taking a 3 day Management workshop delivered by the guru himself, Stephen Covey. oooooooooooooooo, that worked out well!! So, the first order of business is to disrupt your newest employee team member during a workshop in front of her colleagues. I wonder what chapter of highly effectiveness that is!! Sweet Jesus!!

So............as I tried to settle and realized I couldn't.............as I acknowledged that this situation is not going to get any better, that I am not AT ALL interested in "talking it through" or "figuring it out through some form of mediation with her" ............as I accepted the fact that this woman for whatever reason doesn't like me and I know I can't stand her.......... I realized it's time to take action. Knowing how I could very easily really mess things up if I opened my mouth and followed the venom sitting in my heart, I chose to get the hell out of the office this afternoon and contact someone who may be able to help me. At the very least, he can point me in a different direction and offer some guidance as to how to deal with this nasty situation from an HR perspective.

Tomorrow, I meet with the one and only Manager I worked with whom I have complete regard for. I am so looking forward to spilling my story..........I am so looking forward to spending time with someone who respects me and knows my talents.....who will encourage me again, and listen with care and concern. He answered my call to be rescued. Thank God, because quite honestly I have been living in the Twilight Zone and was beginning to believe it was normal.

So..........................I have spilled some reflections............I have used up some words........ I have put some linearity to my puffy eyed thinking............through the writing, I am now feeling

1. less angry
2. more drained, but in a good way. I think I can go to sleep now
3. motivated
4. hopeful
5. thankful for being able to laugh at the absurdity of life.

Henri Nouwen is right.......writing can redeem a difficult and painful day. In fact, now that I have some perspective, I can honestly state that I most definately had a better day than our friend Hugh Grant. Unlike Hugh, I just spilled the beans. I didn't toss them.

I'm now off to watch the end of the hockey game.