snapshot

The wind is picking up outside while the rain continues to pelt the earth with an incessant fury. The river belches in fullness and flows with determination down towards the Bay of Fundy.  High tides ream the coastal shorelines, already saturated with this deluge.  Where is it all coming from?  In other parts of this country, it arrived as snow.  I can't imagine how much snow this would be if the temperatures were lower.  Up to the "window sills high" I'm sure.  Instead , my town is getting a thorough rain cleansing.  I will do the same.  By writing ..... a cleansing of a few thoughts which have been logjammed while I pushed through my restlessness.  

Tonight, I'm safe, warm and dry in my home.  Inspirational upbeat music is playing in the background, encouraging me to write, but also to sway to the beat.  There are a few tasks on the "to do" list that are vying for my attention, but dammit, I'm going to blog tonight!  Not only that, I'm going to FINISH a piece and post it!  It seems as though I begin a new piece and run out of steam halfway through it....... or maybe my attention gets redirected .... or the restlessness I have been feeling kicks in.  All of those things, plus I've been busy.  Man, have I been busy.  But, you know........ it still seems like it takes me 5 extra steps per usual step to accomplish anything.   Focus still wanes.  Certain tasks don't seem to get completed on time.  I'm trying.

Maybe i'm just always trying to catch up to the learning. That's how it really feels.  My learning curve which has been created by so many amazing experiences this fall is as steep as Everest!  As I have journied forward, tackling hard heart things as well as welcoming tenderness back into my broken heart, I am learning to step out into the world of discomfort to feel the yawning stretch of opening the door to surprises!  

Wide-eyed ones.  Whispering ones.  Courageous ones.  Scary ones.  Expressive ones.  Risky ones.  Shaky ones.  Deep pit in the stomach ones.  High flying catapulting ones.  Prayer-full ones.  Surprises parcelled in promises of learning.   

In order to continue the flow of this piece however, I refuse to get all jammed up trying to write about everything that has happened.  As much as I would like to do just that........ I would need a week or so to give the stories the attention they deserve.  My restless soul won't allow it right now.   Instead, I decided to provide a snapshot of where I've been and where I am.  That way, I am hoping I can begin to unravel what is in my heart and head.......... AND get back on track with my writing and blogging.   It is too important and meaningful to me to let it slide any longer.   Writing isn't a choice anymore.  It is a life force.  Like breathing.  Like any creative outlet.  Part of me feels like I've been holding my breath!   

So, without further hesitation....... a snapshot complete with headings........ 

What have I noticed recently?   The other night, I was walking my dog down the street.  The winter stars were glistening jewels in the black sky.  The moon was a sliver of itself.  From this vantage point, I could see the lights on the other side of the Saint John River.  Some of them were stretched in blurry reflection on the water, bobbing with the currents.  Golden yellow, candescent white, a flashing red from the tower which welcomes the planes into this city.  I expected to see flickering Christmas colours beyond the river, decorating the homes I couldn't make out in the dark.  What I noticed?  The only predominant colour of light that night was blue.  It was like it outshone all other colours.... left them in its wake. The blue light shone in random fashion like they were fancy stars hovering low to protect the people who lived over there.  Or maybe they were remnants of summer fireflies.  I stood and watched them glow on and on.......... my hands in my pockets to keep warm......... my big blue scarf wrapped up around my neck and ears in silence.   I wasn't restless.  

Currently reading...... I wish I could state that its a big juicy novel that I have escaped into!   Not yet.  Soon I hope.  Maybe over the Christmas holidays.  However, what I am reading are stories and explanations of the Season.  Advent stirs in and around me.  I have a thirst for it.  No matter how busy I am, my thoughts don't stray too far from it's guidance and lessons.   All year long, I have said to myself that I wanted to simplify........ to let go of the layers of complications ....... to pry my fingers off life's steering wheel ... to learn to be more accepting and less controlling of how events unfold ..... to surrender rather than ADD more to the buffet!  I kept adding more..... more and more...... making life more complicated than I could handle, until it forced me to dive undercover to hide.  I was doing the opposite of what I wanted!  How masochistic is that?  So......... here we are, in the  middle of Advent, and I see how I actually have been simplifying.... not in the traditional manner, but by reflecting on what is most important and what is gravy.   I may be busy juggling home, community, work, and play, but inside the layers of complications are letting go as I prepare for Christmas Day with my family and friends in Joyful Hope.

Currently creating...... I can't tell you that!  It would spoil the surprise!  I've got a few little gifty projects on the go right now.  I love this time of year!

Favourite things.... Kissing ranks high on the list lately.  I forgot how wonderful it was.  Yeah, I'd walk a mile in a snowstorm for a lingering romantic kiss.  hmmmmm......... what else? Gee, all of a sudden my brain is fogging up with passionate steam!  hahaha!

What I am thankful for:   Absolutely no question.  I am so grateful to be a Mom to two of the most beautiful human beings around.  Yeah, I'm a little biased, but honestly?  Last night, the three of us sat down for Sunday dinner and my whole being filled up with love and gratitude when I looked into their eyes.   We are doing alright, the three of us.  In fact, we are doing just fine despite our personal stressy days and busy ways.  Both are excelling at school and in their personal pursuits.  I am so proud of my daughter and my son.  They give me strength everyday, and i hope I do the same for them.  

What am I listening to?  Life, traffic and music all around me ...  students in need of spilling their stories, the voices of my friends and family, my inner voice, choral hymns, lessons in nature, sermons that touch my heart and soul, the spoken words of a friend whom I have spent meaningful time with this fall as she successfully SOARED towards making her personal vision come to life.  Her fierce determination to bring 1000 people together to promote much needed treatment services for Youth in this province with mental health issues culminated in an amazing rally last week!  It was a grassroots community movement that only happened because of my friend Maureen's shared testimony and connection to groups and individuals throughout the city.  AMAZING!  I was honoured to be a part of it from the initial planning stages in mid-October.  Here's a link to the latest story about the event.   I will write more about this when I have time to reflect properly over the holidays.

Plans for the upcoming week...... SO MUCH GOOD STUFF!  And of course, the other stuff I don't even know is going to happen!  Gifts.  Blessings.  New learning.  Illumination.  Worries resolved.  New worries rooted.  Projects continued.  Music to stir.  Feelings that run deep.  Meaningful connections.  Love.... giving and receiving.  Beauty in all of life's imperfections.

How about a picture?  This one is my favourite of the week.  Youth learning about the importance of community gathering to support a cause.  These kids were very involved at the Connect the DOTS rally in front of the legislature.  My Max is in the middle!  It was awesome!  

So, here is my snapshot.  A little rambling, but I just kept writing and let my fingers feel the keys again.  No edits.  One draft.  C'est tout!  I feel blog unclogged a bit!  Hopefully I can reach inside to find that creative writing side of me again.  I've missed it sorely!  Here's hoping it will return as my restlessness disappears.  Joyful hoping!

can you hear the hymn?

"...let us preserve deep silence, both external and mental, but especially the latter; for what advantage is it that the mouth be hushed, if the soul is disturbed and full of tossing? I look for that calm which is of the mind, of the soul, since it is the hearing of the soul which I require...

If a man cannot learn well a melody on pipe or harp, unless he in every way strain his attention; how shall one, who sits as a listener to sounds mystical, be able to hear with a careless soul?"

Saint John Chyrsostom,
from his homily on the gospel according to John

Late morning on Grand Lake Road....

".....being attentive to the times of the day: when the birds began to sing, and the deer came out of the morning fog, and the sun came up. The reason why we don't take time is a feeling that we have to keep moving. This is the real sickness. We live in the fullness of time. Every moment is God's own good time, His kairos. The whole thing boils down to giving ourselves in prayer a chance to realize that we have what we seek. We don't have to rush after it. It was there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us."

Thomas Merton

On the way back to my office, I took the road less travelled along the shore of Grand Lake where the summer cottages were all tucked in and closed up until the thaw. No one else was on the snow covered road. It was just me and the sweet music which surrounded me with smiling life. The big evergreens, their brances laden in white stood stoically while the sun filtered down through the spaces between them. Music inside my van, silence in the hibernating outdoors.

At one point, you drive through a cathedral of tall pine which encloses the road on both sides. They stand tall and straight like a welcoming line of well wishers, so close that the sun has few cracks to penetrate its light through. I always feel like I should slow right down as I drive along as a way of saluting back to these trees. And as I slowed down, I was struck by the beauty of the sun filtering through the branches. I stepped out of the car, away from the music and stood in the middle of the empty road....in silent reverence. I didn't want to leave.

now....

tucked in between

wide eyed anticipation and languorous recollection

is a tiny pearl of a climactic moment.

enjoy it for all its worth.

it will never recur exactly the same way again.

"There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion." Carl Jung

two travellers

Two travellers unknown to one another meet on the top of the hill which overlooks a stunning vista of wildflower fields and a clear blue sky. Birds are singing everywhere. The summer breeze touches their faces cooling them down from their long trek. One traveller takes a sip of water while he looks around unable to settle, as the other sits in quiet contemplation. After a few minutes of rustling about quite agitated, the first traveller says....

"For years I have been seaching for God. I walked across the dessert, stood along the shore of the vast ocean, sat in the silence of the cathedral. I have spent time in the heart of the city and along the fields of the countryside. "

The other traveller, enjoying the spectacular sunset where shafts of light are filtering up above the horizon, replies, "did you find Him?"

To this the first traveller replies with a note of frustration......"No I havent. Have you?"

All at once, hundreds of birds lift up from the surrounding trees and a family of deer peak out from the edge of the forest. But the first traveller had already walked on too busy with his search, disappointed once again that he had not found what he was looking for. The other traveller continued to sit on the top of the hill looking at the sun setting below the horizon until the sky filled with millions of stars scattered across the midnight blue canvas. He smiled with a contented sigh.



Sometimes we are so busy looking for, when all we need to do is look.

wilderness

A sheep found a hole in the fence and crept through it. He wandered far and lost his way back. Then he realized that he was being followed by a wolf. He ran and ran, but the wolf kept chasing him until the shepherd came and rescued him and carried him lovingly back to the fold.

In spite of everyone's urgings to the contrary, the shepherd refused to nail up the hole.

contemplation.......

Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known. Winnie the Pooh

That silly old bear is full of reverent thoughts...

thought du jour

If you want to shrink something,

You must first allow it to expand.

If you want to get rid of something,

You must first allow it to flourish.

If you want to take something,

You must first allow it to be given.

This is called the subtle perception

Of the way things are.

Tao Te Ching

whatcha thinkin about?

Are thoughts ever random or are they always connected somehow to a hidden scene playing out internally? Are they like little pieces of thread on a sweater you sometimes have an inkling to tug at, and then sometimes know better to leave well enough alone?

Thoughts can drive you crazy if you let them. They can be powerfully overbearing to a point where if you feed them with more thought food, you may lose site of the other more helpful and effectively healthy thoughts. You become a prisoner in a maze of endless alleys. Take a risk on an unknown journey led by a thought wrought with fear and see how it grows..........see how it GLOWS in the dark night. But if you never take that journey does it mean there is resolution in the untugged thought or does it wrestle underground finding it's own fuel?

Thoughts can also spur own creative imagination, which is sometimes the only bright light in a day of drudgery when all that you find yourself doing is completing a list of to dos that don't seem to have any meaning. Ever had a day like that? I actually have one on the horizon.....a put my head down and get it done kind of day where cerebral stimulation isn't on the menu. I've been avoiding it, or them because now I have let the to do list PILE UP HIGH and it will take a day or two of grunt work to get it done. I was more inclined to let my mind wander into the nooks and crannies of stimulating thoughts and havent been focused on what needs to be DONE. Sure, I've been on a series of very interesting mind-full journeys, but now I have to hunker down. If I can.......I keep tugging at a thread......

.........and it makes me wonder...........do all writers have a bit of perseverative obsessive compulsivity in their souls? hmmmmmmmm........do we suffer from OCD with no exit?

.......and it makes me believe..........there is never a bitter end to a thought, unless you're one of those surface dwellers. Personally, I prefer the attic.

eternity

The explorer in us encourages to look out to the horizon to seek the meaning of eternity. In our minds, this vast ethereal unknown hovers among the sacred discards left as markers of other's journeys before us.

Eternity seems unreachable. Invisible to the eye, it's scope seems to reach beyond this one sense. What is needed is a multi-sensory palpation........a bare rendering where eternal sentiments spill into the deep double bluffs that touch the eternity soaking in our soul.

Eternity is the flushing bliss warmed by intimate limbs......tender brushes of feathery ripples under your skin. It washes you with a timeless love leaving courage to taste the quiet of solitude, where yearnings long to be explored.

thin places

The Irish have a term, which I really like, to describe a place or an event where one feels a reverential wholeness or holiness..........a stepping into a heightened awareness where our senses are boosted in a way that makes one feel lighter than the gravitational pull of the ordinary life. They call them "thin places....." It is a spot where one's faith is affirmed as it collides where hope and possibility dwell. It is a place where you feel that perhaps your prayer can slip through and be heard.


Personally, I think I have small moments when I've experienced this sensation and in the larger context of life, they seem to be fleeting moments. I guess it doesnt matter how transitory they were because the lasting feelings are grand in their impact. Most are connected to nature....a glorious sunset caught on a day when a sense of beauty is needed the most........a quiet evening in front of the fireplace on a cold winter night, with the snow falling outside......the first glimpse of a blue glistening lake from the end of a dock on a summer's day.....the moment where the sun seems to be captured on the boughs of a tall pine........

Thin places catch you when you feel a sense of integration, mind, body and soul. The moment when my daughter was placed in my arms for the first time and i knew she was healthy and perfect.....it was a thin place moment I shared only with my husband who was right there looking down on us. It felt like we were safely ensconsed, away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the world, centred in a miracle.

They may be fleeting, but the sense of wonder capture in the realm of thin nestles deep into our hearts where they glisten like prayerful gems which reflect a dawning comprehension that we have been touched by grace. We need to seek out those thin places, and be receptive to the feelings they bring because I think these may be our best attempts at understanding the mystery.

regenerative synergy........

Synergy, the restorative energy produced in a group whose personalities, dreams, interests, hopes come together, is probably the most important yearning we human beings strive for. We go to great lengths to seek it out, especially when our environment is antagonistic, or when we experience an event that sends us reeling in energy sapping agony.

Synergy is what we seek when we enter a place of worship, when we join a team, when we feel the need to be around friends..........friends who may be feeling the same thing............but together energize each other. It is the high felt in a sea of people at a concert where the music washes over you. It is the new oxygen pulsing through your body when you've met someone whom you've clicked with. It is the motivating enthusiasm behind the group recognizing each other's strengths and finding a way for each individual to share their gifts to add to the project or task.



Synergy is what is needed, is what is yearned for when family and friends congregate to say a collective goodbye to a loved one. It is the necessary ingredient to feeling a bonding sense of belonging...........where everyone feels collectively..........shoulder to shoulder...........arm and arm.......face to face.



Synergy is the power behind the vibrating energy we all reflect and absorb from one another. It is the flint which enlightens our torches........the ones we use to find each other..........and the same one which helps us figure out why bad things happen to good people.



In the grey winter twilight,

a lonely pallor

seeps in like a cold windy draught

hitting the back of the neck

digging into the bones

sending a chill,

a desire

a yearning

to reach out for the energy

the synergy

of intertwining with another.

Freedom can be found in a gliding pair of skates,

and a river glazed in translucent ice.

With the wind at your back,

it will meet you with frosty nips

on your exposed face

as you glide towards destination unknown.

People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.
--St Augustine

a thought bubble.........

Hope is a waking dream.

Aristotle

for you Niki....waking dreams do come true too........:)

power.........

Real power is not found in the brute strength of a body builder, nor in the mind of a dictator. Its is not found in the underpinnings of the corporate world, nor in the boardrooms of government.

Where then does real power dwell?

You will feel it in a tender reassuring touch.

You will hear it in the honesty of a kind word.

You will see it on the face of a person who is lending a listening ear.

You will find it in the compassionate gentleness of a smile from someone who cares.

Why are these acts so powerful?

They have the potential to turn another life around.

You just never know when a simple act of kindness can make a penetrating impact on a person in need of gentle recognition.

Who has made an impact on you lately?

Who have you reached out to with a kind gesture?

ps. Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.

Atop the Lord Beaverbrook Hotel, October 2007

Today I stood with the crowd at the cenotaph which sits majestically between the beautiful Christchurch Cathedral in downtown Fredericton and the Saint John River.

Remembering

Listening

Acknowledging

Trying to feel what it must've been like

How it must've felt.

What is must feel like now

As we stood together in silence,

the trumpet sound still resonating in our collectivity

I looked over at the big willow tree by the side of the river

Its remaining leaves and branches swaying in the brisk November wind.

It seemed to have it's own rhythm, unfettered by the power of the wind.

It made me think differently of the blustery seasonal wind, which often makes us cold and uncomfortable. It can feel overpowering and in charge. However, instead of thinking that it is a nuisance, that it can bite right through you when you havent bundled up for it's onslaught, I began realizing that perhaps the wind is more representative of freedom.

Can you imagine not being able to feel the freedom of the wind?

Can you imagine living a life where we can't have our own rhythm?

I turned my face to the biting wind as I walked away at the end of the service and quietly said thank you to the men and women who have fought for our freedom.

forgiveness

"To be truly liberated, we have to make an effort to communicate with those we dislike, to try to understand and accept them as they are and to experience our mutual humanity. This is forgiveness."

Jean Vanier, Becoming Human

What is more difficult when it comes to human relationships than to wash away the negative thoughts and feelings one has for another human being, especially if they are the cause of your pain? Where do you start? How do you do this without feeling like you've compromised yourself?

There's a huge difference between assertive forgiveness and passive forgiveness. One is when you ensure your self esteem and integrity remain intact, whereas the other is a forgiveness which compromises your confidence. The first is liberating. The second passive kind still feels like a self imposed sentence.

We are in control of how we react and act in any situation, which of course is easier said than done isn't it? When the dam of feelings bursts through the sluice without any way of redirecting or holding back, our reactions and actions take on a radiated passion too hot to secure. When our emotions take centre stage.......when they override our more cognitive thoughts, we lose clarity. WE see RED.

When we are hurt emotionally, .........we see orange and yellow and neon flashes of RED. Forgiveness doesn't come from a red hot searing place. Forgivness comes from a more earthy toned calmer place in our hearts where all colours blend to ground us.

Sometimes forgiveness takes a lifetime. Sometimes it takes that long to gain the calming insight to recognize the other person's humanity. Sometimes, however, we are just not capable of forgiving. The pain is too deep........the act too evil.....the other person too mean and wounded. Is this when we reliquish our role of forgiving and pass it onto our Higher Power?

Is this when we say....................Hey God, can you help me on this forgiveess thing? I'm having a very tough time with this one..

One thing I have learned is that if one can't forgive, one missed out on that relieving sense of liberation. A continued feeling of being shackled to the tense by-pass will persist. Who wants to be a slave to hatred?

a time for every purpose..........

Blessings disguised as heartache sometimes remain a mystery for a long time. We struggle to find meaning, to request a reason for having to struggle and stumble through a particularly painful experience......we ask WHY a lot, expecting this dawn of enlightenment to strike us like a bolt out of nowhere. But they continue to defy our understanding.

I'm beginning to think that blessings.......new ones.........not the ones we already recognize and count...... don't like to reveal themselves until you aren't paying attention.

It's kind of like losing those keys you're absentmindedly carting around in your hand. You conciously (or so you think) look and look for those darn keys only to be flushed with brilliance the moment you have given up looking and you sit down to figure out how you're going to miraculously start the car. DOH!

We tend to use up our energies looking with futility.........treading arm circles over and over.......going over the same patch of grass, looking, looking....trying to find the keys...kicking our own asses in punishment.......how could I have been so stupid? Why? Why?

Why is this happening to me........?

What is the purpose of having to experience this heartache?

To make me more aware?

To test my patience?

To force me to recognize what is REALLY important in life?

What is REALLY important in life?

A blessing disguised as heartache has the capacity to offer you a brighter light to look into the well where dark uncertainty hovers. But only if you stop with the arm circling futility........only if you let go of your fight for control over everything in your life. Because it is then, you will realize you are holding the keys already.

Relax. They don't remain disguised forever.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time for every purpose, under heaven

a few thoughts on this Thanksgiving weekend.....................