Saturday, December 05, 2009

purple raves........

"I've got one nerve left and you're standing on it....."

There is a palpable feeling of stress stinkin' up the air quality. Forced fed by fetid behaviour, fanned by frequent confrontations with the volume turned up on a sound of static.  Its like walking through a mine field with a fatigued mind.  No focus.  Ego driven, like a child past his bedtime.  The whine from the perpetrator persistently hits the nerve.  The one nerve left.  Can you feel the shooting pains?  A pressure cooker steamin' mad irrational whistle can be heard on high..........disrespectfully polluting the air. 

stomp, stomp, stomp....................whine.
obnoxious fumes seep out of the heat register in puffs of toxicity.

They begin to point fingers at the culprit.... the one who knows how to step on the collective nerve centre.   She knows how to, but is she aware she is doing it?  Does she have any idea how her ugly behaviour repulses?  Fingernails on a chalkboard.  Penetrating hot pokes into the centre of their senses. Unlovely actions pushes buttons, boundaries, sensibilities.  She stands on the one nerve and becomes a jumping jack....... trampoline enthusasism irregardless of consequences. 

help,help,help,help, outward cries in unison..........
I'm afraid I will lose my cool and choke her.
i want to choke her.......

can't help myself any longer........... like I've been invaded by a bad child, they admit with a fervour only used when one reaches their wits end.  Flooded by feelings, the wits have turned into tiny squeaky bits of brain fluff.  They have no capacity to think things through choose creative responses.... to pick up and leave or to fight off the boiling point feelings.  Pressure cooker perspiration is about to spill over like gooey oozy lava. 

Feathers and fur fly.  Accusations spew forth with rapid pummelling towards the annoying culprit.  The one who sheds tears now of shock and disbelief.  Shattered by their reaction, unaware of her role in the stinkfest, she cowers.

Why do people act in such a manner that completely irritates with constant poking and prodding?  They arent getting their deep seated needs met?  Will they ever?  Doubt it.  The roots are too deeply embedded, entwined in a pattern too complicated to change.  Caught by inconsistent love hurts throughout their lives.  Assaulted by negativity, rejection, entitlement of others, they have no way of coping besides acting in the ugliest manner possible.  They want to be accepted.  They want healthy doses of empowerment.  They want to feel loved.  Yet, their behaviour screams the opposite.  Angrily, manipulatively, frustratingly.

Perhaps these are the people thrown into our lives, into the mix of our communities who make us stretch beyond our perspectives, our reflections.  Maybe, just maybe they are the folks who teach us the hardest lesson of all.   To love the unlovely.

When we are asked to be patient when we have none left.  When we are expected to share the same space that once used to be filled with springtime air and is now so thick with stressy stink.  When we are asked to carry on like there isn't a monster amongst us, how do we cope besides running away and never returning?   What do we do?

The only thing left to do is to look beyond the ugly behaviour and try to see the wounds on a fellow human being.  The only thing left to do is to love the unlovely.   Is there anything more difficult to do than that?

Group dynamics?  Forming, Storming, Reforming, Norming, Performing.   These are the stages of development. This was a week of being in the eye of the storm............ Hurricane season is upon us.  We can ride it out......


Twain12 said...

"The only thing left to do is to love the unlovely."
Hard to do...but i do try. Maybe i don't love them exactly but try to find some understanding :)

awareness said...'s very difficult to do, especially the ones who have the capacity to hit your personal hot buttons. With others, we can find the empathy. With the ones who sear our own irritations? It's an energy sucking dredging to find some empathy isn't it?

BlazngScarlet said...

I try very hard, and sometimes I fail miserably.
But I do still try.

Your words have REALLY resonated with me over the last week or so.

As always Dana, you make me look further into the man in the mirror.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dana,
Glasser would tell us that our behaviour is our best attempt to satisfy an unmet need. In some instances their behaviou may get us what we want... e.g. attention? Wonder what happens if we do not respond in the usual manner ... like to a child who acts out.
Complex isn't it. ... and as much and hard as I try to maybe not love them but understand ... it is so hard at times!
Your comment in the previous post took me way, way back to that pilot case management training :)
We can chat sometime.
Another soul searching post. Tks

awareness said...

Scarletina... I think we all do. And boy does it ever feel awful when we can't. I went two solid years not being able to with a supervisor. One day, something snapped.... I didn't want to feel such disdain and anger. I also didn't want to feel miserable anymore. That's when I began to see her woundedness....or maybe I should say I was ready to see it. I made the change and the relief I felt was like having a hot bath after a stressful day. :)
I wonder why my posts are striking a chord in you these days? Thank you for letting me know. It makes me wonder if they are resonating with others too. I find that if I write real serious stuff, I receive fewer comments, so its hard to gauge.

awareness said...

Joyce.... that was a trip wasn't it? There we were holed up in that hotel boardroom for WEEKS! Wow, we can't even make long distance calls now. The money spent then!!! It was around this time of year too.

I can't tell you how many times I've uttered the words you wrote here this fall. I even asked to have a white board put up in my office to use to draw Glasser diagrams!!! Maslow too, because really Joyce, Glasser stole from Abraham Maslow!!

I'm off for two weeks over the holidays. Lets find a good corner at a coffee shop and catch up and plan some Prof. Dev. stuff for the College. :)

Marja said...

Haven't been around much as my live is so busy at the moment. The day should actually have 48 hours to fit it all in.
Anyway I am working at a computer centre; a charity to bridge the gap in access to information technologies. We are in one of the worst areas of the city so people there can learn the computer and the kids have free access to name a few things. We get a lot of dysfunctional people Last week one kept playing games Not leaving when we close for lunchtime, refusing to pay and when my boss asked her to pay first next time she told her she would let get her bashed. Doesn't matter how nice you explain things she just doesn't want to get it. She came back, apologised and expected to move on but my boss didn't let her.
I am wondering if that was the right move. Does it make her more angry or will she learn from it.
I have no idea how to deal with these people.
We recently had a man trespassed as well. He just didn't get it, but that one seemed to be psychotic. He sweared a lot but we have to think about the kids who come in Anyway you probably deal with these people a lot It ain't easy

awareness said...

Marja, Safety, respect and expectations set out in the rules and policies of an environment all come first. No doubt about it. Its a fine line we tread to be respectful to someone who stomps around with a demanding sense of entitlement or lack of regard for rules. WE have every right to be assertive and to draw the line on what is appropriate and inappropriate.

I think we do need to try to figure out where this rudeness and self absorbed stuff is coming from, because it helps us with our own awareness. However, when it comes to managing a classroom, a computer access centre, a store, a boardroom, etc, etc.......... Our own safety, needs as well as the safety and needs of others takes precedence. If not, we slide into the whole arena of enabling bad behaviour. We do not have to take on these issues as our own to solve. People who exhibit rude and obnoxious behaviour own their behaviour and choose to act that way to get their needs met. WE too have choices and our own needs are just as important. The best thing we can do is to help with new awareness and to insist on them taking ownership of choices and consequences. Right? It's just like being a parent, but instead we try to respond, react, redirect in an adult to adult kind of interaction. If that doesn't work, then our authoritarian side of us may have to take charge.
If clear expectations and parameters are in place and everyone is aware of them, they can be used as a strong guide. When it comes to trying to deal with someone who is psychotic, your safety and theirs is key. It's a very frightening thing to be involved with someone who is in full blown psychosis. It's unpredictable, and unmanageable without the support of Mental Health. Never hesitate to call in the supports in your community.

Marja said...

Thanks Dana The psychotic one is stil roaming around but we lock the door and call 111 They come straight away. It is amazing how many unhealthy people there are

awareness said...

Marja.... It truly is. It is frightening how many are struggling.