Trust-Me Boulevard.

 thin skinned beauty

The other day as I was driving home, I ploughed through a mass of dandelion fluff floating through the air.  Millions of feathery seeds once attached to a stem had  uplifted from the field beside the road and then got caught in a breezy travelling draft only to eventually disperse and settle to begin the cycle again on someone else's lawn.  My car parted through the fluff.  Before I knew it, I was on the other side this dandelion storm heading in the same direction.  Smiling.  It was a very cool experience.

I was reminded of this tiny burst of a moment tonight when I was trying to figure out where I've been and why I haven't been able to settle down enough to write.  I realized that whenever I've tried, I couldn't harness my thoughts.  I couldn't remain attached to the stem of an idea.   I have been emotionally, cognitively, physically uprooted.  Spiritually too. 

At first inward glance, I focused on the negative reasons.  We tend to do that don't we?  As much as I strive to be a "glass half full" person and can encourage someone else to alter their inward glances from the negative to a more productive positive, when I'm at my worst I can't make the switch very well at all.  So, I looked at it from that angle and this is what I saw...........

There have been days when I've felt like a train wreck and I'm so bloody busy trying to keep up with everything I have to do around here!  Exhausted, alone, overwhelmed.  Discarded.  I second guess myself.  I let my confidence sag like milkless breasts.  OOOOOoooooo!  I get all chilled and flushed at the same time even writing about it/thinking about it because the most predominant feelings that stream through me are shame and guilt. Failure. My emotions are so raw and on the surface way too much these days. There are many reasons for this which have left me with a sense of stalled vulnerability.... a heart open too wide and for too long.  This leads to serious brain flooding and over reacting!  And a jumble of questions........ ones that certainly don't have easy answers.

How do you love like you've never been hurt when you've been hurt?  How do you truly forget or let go of past shambles so that it doesn't impact a new relationship?  There has to be a way.  There has to be a different avenue.  I keep seeking.  I want the street I seek to be named Trust-Me Boulevard, but I think it will have a new name.  I just don't know where it is or what it will be called but let me catch a draft heading in that direction. Please! 

What happens if allow your inward glance to lean towards a more positive perspective? This is actually where I am tonight.  For the first time in weeks, I am breathing differently.  I think.  For now anyways.  No doubt I have been scattering my energy in too many different directions.  Scampering and scattering.  Unbalanced.  Seemingly floating in air without the tendrils to keep me grounded.  Caught in a draft.  Seeking and fearfully uncomfortable as I take new risks, form new relationships and TRY to juggle everything else in my life I must focus my attention on.  

However, it may not be such a bad place to be at all.  Challenging!  FOR sure!  Taxing? YES!  Messy?  YOU BET!  But, being in this place of transitional movement is ripe for opportunity.  I'm learning every day.  I'm also getting things done around here.  Maybe not as efficiently as I should or would or could.  But, I am.  New front steps.  Repainted another room.  Decluttering as best as I can.  I've got a load of gravel sitting in my driveway just waiting for someone to shovel and level it!  Any offers?!!  

The garden is blooming.  So are the weeds.  The lawn is lush green and where there were patches of winter kill, it is newly seeded.  The laundry isn't folded. There are cobwebs and dust in the corners of my home.  But my kids are thriving and so am I.  In spurts and starts and stalls and stops.  My love life is a bit of a minefield, but that's to be expected.  I'm learning to trust again.  Tearfully, fearfully, bravely.... in my own wonky way.

I'm also experiencing many many many light bulb awakening moments.  Big stuff!  Big blooming stuff..... like how messed up my boundaries are with the people in my life ...... and how much they have altered.  I'm learning that I have a long way to travel when it comes to trust again...... and I realized tonight that the name of the avenue I am looking for won't be named Trust-Me Boulevard.  Rather, the first street I seek out will be  Trust-IN-Me Place.  This comes with letting myself off the hook by stopping the shame and guilt feelings.  Acknowledging them of course, but then telling them to piss off!

If I'm ever going to be like that dandelion fluff and settle down again to begin a new cycle,  I have to be patient with the journey, and accept the fact that it will never be a straight arrow path.  Air drafts, like the pockets of unexpected life messes take you to destinations you may never have seen before.

Hey God are you around these days??  Will you take a moment to check on me... just for some reassurance.  Please let me learn to be more accepting and less sensitive to judgement.  Let me settle where I land.  Let me bloom there on Trust-In-Me Place.  I just know its where I belong........ it's where I can learn that hard lesson of loving again like Ive never been hurt.  Gotta trust in me first, right God? 

Interuptions.......

 late afternoon reflections along the Saint John river

summer 2009. 

"We interupt your daily living to bring you this moment of awareness.........."

I don't know if I'm addicted to drama, but honest to God, it  follows me like a determined puppy trying to get my attention.  My colleague and I often joke on Monday mornings that the upcoming week will flow calmly like an old river..... that all will be bright in our lives away from the office. IT never happens! One phone call, text, misstep, vomiting kid and we are off and running!  Our stories revolving around our connections with friends, men, family....heck even neighbours and community involvement ...the highs, lows, trials and tribulations.... the fun and the frustrations ..... seem to coincide with each others.  Drama sticks to her like glue too.   

We are both single Moms, working full-time. It is a strange and difficult thing to be heading up a household on one's own. Yes, I do get help, and I know she does too.  We are both very grateful, but when it comes to the "end of the day" we are in charge here of our kids, our homes, our responsibilities and it can be damn scary!  Juggle, juggle..... sort it out! 

It's always something!  There you are juggling your daily routines, and badabing!  Interuptions haggle for your attention!

I know there are people in my life who are afraid to ask me...."what's new?"  There are days when I dread that question. Where do I start? :) 

 This topic leaves me wondering what part of me seeks it out.  I mean, it all can't come tumbling into my life without me attracting it can it?  I'm like a lint trap for complications and extra baggage.  Emotional upheavals are a daily part of my life.  It seems like by the time I slip into a hot bubble bath at night, I'm both wired and exhausted.  My head is FuLL of stories all woven together with uneven stitches.   Though I'm learning to let go of the complications of others lives that is the core of my career in counselling, I also recognize that my automatic "go to" place in my actions is one of the "fix it fairy."  

YES, I am one of those...... However, I have discovered I am not alone.  There are many in my life who have used their gifts to help me fix stuff in my life this year too.  Thank God.

Most of the time, there isn't a damn thing I can do about an issue that creates the drama.  Some of the time I can because not only am I a fix it kind of fairy, I also seem to stir the pot..... sometimes by just asking a few questions, or offering to help when I honestly don't have the resources or the time.  Then, stuff in my daily life.... the stuff I SHOULD be attending to piles up and ignored.  Hmmm..... could it be that I "get my nose into things" as a means of procrastinating.  Well, yes.  

Maybe that's not a bad thing.  

Maybe there is a shiny silver lining to the incessant moments when life gets interupted.  hmmmmm............. maybe, just maybe the shake up of having to turn your focus on something else, someone else.......... an issue or a problem that needs attention promptly is when we are forced to put our guard down and just be human who is challenged, confused, pushed to the limits of what we think we can handle.   The free flow of activity, discussions, interactions, problem solving are so life enhancing.  In fact, it leads one more often to a place of vulnerability.  It surely can humble you, which in turn broadens AND deepens our  range of emotional capacity.  

Interuptions can be considered as gifts.  Perhaps they should even be viewed as the portal to feeling God's lovetouch of Grace? 

A big honking snowstorm, with all of its travails stops the world around you, and forces you to deal with the ramifications of it as well as the silence only felt when one is away from the daily busyness. 

Someone calling out for help....?  To be with them.... not sorting it out, but just to be with them opens the door to sharing something monumentally moving.  Your drama is my drama..... your life interuptions is mine. 

Taking a risk, stepping beyond the borders of your lifebox almost always provides interuptions in our daily lives due to its unknown qualities.  Add something to the mix of your day, and the journey alters.  There is a feeling of awakening boosted by nervous adrenaline when you tackle something new.  It's bound to provide a few new stories and a dollop of drama. 

Oh yeah........ the desire to run away to a warm locale with white sand and blue surf almost always kicks in because of the overwhelming jolt while trying to juggle a few extra balls. Fears drum up from your gut..... as you wonder if you're in over your head....... or if you can handle it all emotionally.   Who doesn't want to run and hide at least once a day?  We are survivors though.... and emotions are simply visitors who bring messages.  They leave opportunities for new reflections. Reflections leave pockets of inner strength and fresh resilience.  Emotions cleanse ........  like an awareness sauna where naked vulnerability takes its cue from surrendering. 

What about the interuptions where you find yourself surrounded in quiet?  Like a prayer-fully moving church service?  Like a day at the beach where time spreads wide open into eternity?  Like the silence found in comforting another when their day has reached a peak of no return?   Like an escape into the woods on snowshoes? Like an impromptu gathering around a campfire to share stories, to catch up, to help ease one another's chaotic workweek?   If we didn't pursue drama and interuptions in the grind we wrongfully define as a successful life, would we EVER feel that intimate sense of mysticism in the ordinary? 

Too much drama tips you over.  Too many interuptions trip you up.  Frankly there are days when I have two left feet and my thinking is blurred by it all.  I play a huge role in attracting it to my life.  This awareness is good.  However, I don't have a clue how one stops being the lint trap for it.  Or the desire to. The positive attributes have enhanced life for me in ways that are immeasurable, leaving me feeling a sense of whole heartedness.  

Hmmmm.... Think I'll organize a party.  A foolish party for April Fool's day.  Now, that may be fun! 

Taking a breath ...... inhaling sweet peace ..... let the day begin.

May you embrace life's interuptions as soon as you open the door to them.

You just never know......

 

kiss the world beautiful.

 view from Springhill Road.....light touches send out love best.

"Sometimes it takes someone else's life 

to see what we're worth......"

Martyn Joseph, Kiss the World Beautiful.

I just returned from a quick dog walk on this cold blustery night.  Under the bright stars and the almost full moon with no one else on the street, I was struck by the thought of how beautifully free I am to be able to perform a small task like that without worrying about my safety... grateful for where I live, for the roof over my head, for my warm bed, for my health, for my family.  

You'd think I was out walking a marathon to have had all of those thoughts!  No.  It happened in a rush of some ineffable feeling as soon as the wind gusts took my breath and heightened my awareness. It happened as soon as I looked up at the night sky, so brilliantly vast.  It happened as soon as I watched my dog Lily run ahead, take a nose dive roll on the grass and then wiggle on her back with an abandoned feeling of joy.

As we walked, I inhaled the fresh air as deeply as I could while quickly reflecting on a busy day............ one that ran the gamut of feelings as per usual, realizing once again that its not what someone says to you that you remember and hold onto, its how it made you feel.   I smile at the amazing affirmations I received today.  From a student whom I had connected with on Friday while sharing a few hilarious dating stories to a friend who told me tonight how glad he is that I am in his life.  WOW!  

I touched others too.  Some in a good way and some I challenged their actions, or rather inactions that revealed their clingyness to playing the role of victim.  yeah, I think I pissed them off.  Or maybe I just refreshed their irritations.  They wanted my help to learn how to study, but they weren't helping themselves.  Why? Perhaps they've never learned how to yet.  Time to learn.  Time to take some ownership.  A bit of tough love is in order.  Spoon fed whiners who say "yes, but" test my patience.  

I have to approach this with assertion, but also with diplomacy or I will lose their confidence in me.  If I approach it from a "Parent" role, their response will come from their explosive "Child" role.  If I figure out a way to approach them as an Adult connecting with another Adult and have the conversation on this level, chances are change will happen in their behaviour.  They want to remain in the Child role.  It will be a challenge to help them move to a more productive state of mind in order to take ownership of their learning. 

Our connections and interactions with others fill our days and lives with what matters.  Nothing else matters as much does it?  I can't seem to think of any.  As I reflected on this one ordinary Monday, I'm filled with the memories of the emotions that coloured the conversations.  But, I am also left with a few things that were said to me too.  Words stick too.  Compliments, judgements, affirmations, scornful comments, dismissals, haughty comments, invitations, and praise combine with our personal self talk leaving remnants on how we see ourselves.... our worth.  

If I've learned anything over the past year, it is how other's lives impact my own and visa versa.  What i say and express with my feelings impacts what I attract.  We learn about ourselves mostly through others and how we interact.  And if we want to make an attempt to "kiss the world beautiful," (the lyrics from Martyn Joseph's powerful song of the same name) so that perhaps the world will kiss us back from a place called beautiful, than "sometimes its more important to love than to always have it right....." 

This is not a passive approach.  Rather, it takes energy to share love and respect in a situation where you want to do the opposite.  Who needs to be lectured at?  It never works and it never feels nice.  Yes, in order to act out with the intentions of kissing the world beautiful, we must always pause before we speak or act........ we must strive to offer love knowing its not always important to have it right.

Tonight, I recognize the moments I touched down lightly with my words, my feelings, my responses.  I recognize the moments when I may have been too harsh in my judgements....... and will try my best again tomorrow.  I don't want to add more dark streaks on the human horizon.  I want to offer up the good in me.   As I inhaled the cold autumn air and filled my lungs with fresh oxygen, I gave thanks to the gifts I have been given......... free will, choices, awareness, forgiveness, and another day to try again.  

May we always try to help others recognize the beauty of their worth.  May we always recognize how much of an impact we have on the people in our lives....... a smile is worth a hill of gold. Encouragement fills the cup of confidence.  And a kiss?  A kiss is a priceless tender touch to the heart. 

Off to sleep.............perhaps to dream of the kisses I received today.  

reflections

I easily could slide right into the "coulda" "woulda" "shoulda's" tonight as I reflect back on a whole month away from the office.  But I won't.  There is no point.  I had such big plans and a list of to do's I was so determined to complete.  But, here I sit, surrounded by a tossed up home (honestly, it was orderly yesterday morning and everything had been wiped down, dusted off, vaccuuuuuuuumed, and mopped) after a flurry of fine feathered teens arrived, conquered and then left in a blink, and I wonder just exactly what it was that I did for a whole month.  A lot.  Most of which I never would've expected let alone planned..........

OK, I have this problem with unrealistic expectations.  I keep making them, and they keep biting me in the arse.  You'd think I'd learn. But, then again, I have never been through a marriage break up, so who knew what to expect?  And since there are very few guidelines as to how to deal with it all, and the ones I have encountered I've basically tramped on them, I should've known that any expectations were goofy.

So, in no order........ my thoughts........on a month of spontaneity, absurdity, difficulty, liberty, but definitely not simplicity.

1. Joy is always attainable..... just make your gaze beautiful
2. Late night front porch chats while being served mojitos is something I could easily grow accustomed to.
3. Sometimes it takes longer to accomplish a goal when your head is in the clouds.  But, you can still get there.
4. Girlfriends are a blessing beyond words.
5. Blue glow balls are a necessity for healing tides to work their magic.
6. I love the company of men.
7. Don't think you're grounded and ready to take on a big project when you can't even decide on the dinner menu.
8. It's amazing what you can overcome if you set your mind to it.  But, if your mind is tired, let it rest.
9. Feeling crappy and thinking sorrowful thoughts?  Do something active. Or dive under the covers and let it pass.  Or sit and meditate.  Or put on some music and let yourself blend into its medicinal harmonies. Or visit a waterfalls with a friend.
10. My confidence in my writing is increasing.  Just gotta wait for the focus and the spirit to catch up before I can give it the attention I want it to.
11. Taking risks is easier when you've been hurt deeply.  You just have to be more cognizant that the choice you make may not be the best one.  Whatever.......... it always leads to something very interesting, no matter what the choice was.
12. I've rediscovered my love of the colour orange.
13. If at first you don't succeed, turn around and seek out a hug from a friend who makes great coffee and who will set your world straight again in one visit.
14. Prayer is only a blink away......
15. Tell it like it is, go with your gut feelings. 
    
16. I am absolutely blessed to have the support and encouragement all around me.
17. Always hire a cabana boy to help you with outdoor chores.
18. The Saint John River valley is my sanctuary.
19. Spencer's Island continues to resonate eternity.
20. The sun and salt air is the best medicine for a weary girl.
21. Glaswegian accents make me smile.
22. I can survive heatwaves and still make a big Canadian breakfast without passing out in my own sweat.
23. Nap and nap often.
24. Emails and phone calls bring love and strength from all around the world.......  amazing!
25. Yearnings need to be listened to.
26. Heart pain blows!  Healing happens on its own time.
27. I am a counsellor.  This is  not negotiable.  I have been counselling since I was 15 years old.  It is who I am, not what I do.
28. I may be competent, but I may not be confident.  It'll come...........
29. You just never know.
30. I need more time to let my spirit catch up.
31. God's abundance is wrapped most beautiful in the gifts of family and friendship.
32. Simplicity is almost impossible to attain, especially if you keep fueling your own fire.
33. Life can combust and turn to dust in a blink and a wink.  Surround yourself in compassion by sharing yours.
34. Freedom is beautiful.
    

I'm not ready to return to work.  Who is really? I wasn't able to fully leave the office behind which I had hoped to do........... not think about it or be pulled into some events percolating there and this really disappoints me.  Too much on the horizon there to be able to let go of all thoughts of the place and it definitely impacted my thoughts and daily meanderings.  As much as my goal has been to try to keep life at a dull roar, I didn't succeed.  

Today, I am back to work.  I have no choice in the matter, unless of course my money ship comes sailing in.  May the Captain of the ship not be a fool.....or at least a handsome handyman fool.  Or better yet...... perhaps I need to recognize more fully that I am the Captain, steering this ship with a little help from the ones around me. 

ps.  The wild rose photos were taken in Spencer's Island NS last week.

Radiant blooming

My Emerald friend Pip, often posts 5 feeling words to describe that moment of  personal reflection, and always asks the human beings who read his blog for their own reflective offerings.  Over the years, since our paths crossed in way I can only describe as cosmically destined, I have used this little exercise to "touch base" with my own feelings.  I've also incorporated it into workshops I've delivered on Emotional Literacy.  It's a quick hit meaningful "person check" that more often than not allows you to get real rather than remain in the dark side of denial.  It has the capacity to take you below the surface of your skin.

If you don't know what emotional  motions you're dealing with......if you don't know how you're feeling or even how to describe them, you can't let go of how it impacts your thinking and physiology.  All of a sudden, you're acting in ways driven by an imbalance of head and heart. 

This morning, as I read Pip's blog, I stopped to take stock.  This time the "actions" came through before the feelings, recognizing where I am standing, and how stretched I am beyond my comfort zone.   If learning happens in a place of discomfort, well....... I'm sitting in the front row!

5  stretching actions in discomfort

reaching for relief

sitting in honesty

fighting off failure

meditating inwardly, mediating outwardly

nurturing others, nurtured by others.

the 5 feelings?

stronger more often now

delicately imbalanced not so often anymore

determined but doubtful sometimes

loved but hurting

recovering......

I'm so busy right now with many activities that truly take me out of my comfort zone but need my attention and focus when those two things seem quite depleted that I don't have much time to write.   But I  have many topics I want to explore.........half written and half thought out.   The political landscape at present in this province is heating up.  There are topics on a national and global level I would LOVE to have a chance to sink my editorial teeth into.  Issues generated from conversations, daily encounters, and simply living through this spring of change are piling up in my often feeling flooded brain of mine.   It sure would be nice if some big hearted soul (preferably handsome with a nice smile,  who knows how to fix things around a house) offered to be my guardian angel to grant me the freedom to write full time showed up on my front doorstep.  I'd like that.  :)

More than anything.........I  have stories, scripts, a few poems, and a novel all waiting in the wings, waiting to be shared.  I have many pieces sitting here waiting for my attention again.  Good stuff!  It will happen.  Yesssssirrrreeeee!

In the meantime............?   What I learned this morning while taking stock?  I am not in any way "stuck in the moment and I can't get out of it........."  I was stuck for a very long time, trying to fix, trying to avoid the issues of fixing and recognizing there was NO WAY to fix.  This awareness is where I also fully recognize the feeling of relief dwells.   It's kind of like a seed that has been planted in a bed of burrs and thorns, but has the potential to grow into a massively beautiful flower.  

Radiant blooming is possible.  It just takes a while when the landscape needs tending to as well.

hellos, goodbyes and important life lessons

Miss Muskie and her crew of campers, circa 1980 

 I have never been able to encapsulate the intense feelings that accompany an experience of living for an extended period of time amongst a group of people who are all around the same age.  However, when I meet up with someone who has had such an opportunity, there is almost an unspoken smile, a nod and a faraway glimmer in their eyes.  They know.  They know.

For 12 summers during my youth, I spent time immersed in a community that offered this expansive emotional ride.  At age 9, I attended Camp Kawabi for the first time as a camper and fell in love with the place and its energy.  It began as a two week stint, but morphed into one month at age 12, and then the whole summer when I transitioned onto staff when I was 15, continuing until it was time to say goodbye the very last time the summer I turned 21. 

Even though its been more than 25 years since then and many of the events, activities, connections, the late night antics, days off, canoe trips, chapels, campfires, hot summer sunny days and rainy day hikes have blended together, there are moments which are still so crystal clear.   They allow me to revisit a time when I learned how intense a keenly felt sense of belonging can alter how you look at the world and what is really important in life.   Friendship, love, acceptance, trust in others, trust in myself, respect and appreciation for differences, mentoring, supporting one another, helping others .......... all continue to feed my sense of who I am, what I believe in and who I strive to be with confidence.  Most predominantly ensconced however are the feelings which I treasure... ALL of them. 

These are the same emotions and values which we learn from our families as well, but when a person has the chance to step out beyond their own nest into a group and experience the unbelievable joys and sorrows of belonging?  It takes you to a place one can only share with a kindred spirit who has experienced it as well.  Believe me, I've tried to explain this but I've never managed to get it right. 

These thoughts have re-emerged of late as I've done my best to help my children make sense of it.  In the past 5 months, they have experienced this amazing intensity;  last summer for my daughter when she signed on as a Counsellor in Training at Camp Glenburn and more recently for my son, who just returned from a month in Costa Rica with an organization called CISV (Children's International Summer Villages.) Both of them have ventured off our front lawn to live amongst a group of peers, led by trusting people. They have learned many new skills which will come in handy as they grow into adults.  The values we have done our best to pass on to them have been reinforced fully by their experience. And, they have made longlasting heart connection friendships with others who draw upon the same feelings and the same values.  Independently, they both found themselves immersed in a sense of belonging so wondrous that it left them reeling.  

Martha and her Glenburn kindreds, smiles from the inside out

Not wanting the moments to end, they returned home overwrought with the sorrow of saying goodbye to the friends who are like family and goodbye to life altering happenings.  Many stories.  Many questions and new ideas. Big tears.  Big pain.  Big transitions back to the ordinary reality of a home routine and the reconnection to family and friends they had left behind. To say this adjustment is difficult is an understatement.  To say these life lessons are important is also an understatement.  Why?  Because so many internal shifts happen during these opportunities and they happen within a relatively short time frame.  It takes a while to adjust, to refocus, to recognize the personal impact.  It's all positive in the long run, but in the short run, the initial feeling of pulling away from a group your whole spirit was blended into is akin to losing a piece of yourself. I wish everyone could have a chance to go through this ride. 

For some mysterious reason,  I spent their first days home with them alone.   With my daughter, I was the lucky one to pick her up at camp on the last day.  If you've never seen a group of teenage camp counsellors on the morning after the campers have left at the end of the summer, you'd never believe it.  Not only do they look like a train wreck because they haven't really slept much all summer because they've worked their butts off running "the show" caring for the "ankle-biters" and stringing the late nights "hanging out" with their buddies, they have just pulled one last all-nighter as a way to stretch their final moments together.  Believe me, it's brutal!  I've been the sleep deprived counsellor with a mitt full of snotty kleenexes and a heart that feels like its been ripped out.  It is the emptiest bone weary feeling.  Now,  I can say I was the Momma loading the van of half packed bits of summer memories, luring the sobbing daughter to the front seat and then listening through my own tears to the stories and pouring emotions while trying to keep the van on the winding road home. 

My heart broke for her......... the magically lovely summer moments of bonding with kindred spirits was over.  It has changed her in ways she still isn't fully aware of.   It stretched her, comforted her, AND discomforted her.  That's what important learning does.  It offered her a really good taste of independence, of learning how to make decisions, to weigh options, to be herself and to know the unbridled trust you can feel when sharing your deepest secrets with someone who not only "gets you" but accepts you unconditionally.  Those gifts of friendship will forever be quilted to her soul.  I know, because mine still are. And you know what?  I still miss my camp days..... all these years later.  It was that meaningful. The lessons linger...........  The lessons guide me daily.

We talked and talked, just the two of us for a whole day.......... I left her alone when she needed to sift through her memories and I tried to be there for her when she wanted to share a story.  I promised she could have all of her camp friends visit whenever it could be arranged, though I knew it wouldn't be the same.  My empathy was boundless and I knew her transition was going to be a rough ride.  Her friends whom she had left behind at the beginning of the summer couldn't understand her disinterest in coming back to "planet earth...."   It took time........ and a bunch of mini reunions throughout the fall to help her find her footing again while she readjusted to the changes inside herself and to have those leadership value lessons reinforced more fully.

Max in Costa Rica with his arm around his new buddy.....could the smile be any bigger?

My son who is younger than I was to have gone through such an amazing experience......... he's only 12......... also crash landed.  He returned home at the end of January.  His reaction was even more intense because the people he grew close to live in other countries around the world.......... Finland, Sweden, Brazil, England, Costa Rica, Thailand, Guatemala.... this put a whole new spin on it.  

Despite the language differences, and the adjustment to being so darn far away from home, he gathered a whole heart and head full of awareness that he will forever be changed.  Even though the geographical distances are huge and that reality is what hits him the hardest, he is tied to a group of kindreds who also absorbed the same huge lessons ..... global peace, equality, leadership, advocacy, problem solving and many many more.  He has joined a group of multi-cultural kids who have become enlightened while they became friends for life.  

On the day I spent home with my son before he returned to school, we shared tears and talked.   It was probably the most important relationship building day for the two of us.  I shared stories with him that I hadn't before.  He shared stories with me that perhaps he wouldn't have if he thought I wouldn't understand.  Like I did with his sister, I expressed to him how privileged he is to have had the opportunity to feel life as deeply as he has......... AND to know that the friendships he made will always remain with him along with his own learning.  I pointed out that he now has his own group of kindreds he will forever be attached to and that because of his opportunities, he has a responsibility to continue to expand his awareness of the plight of others.  He gets it.  At age 12, he knows that joy is eternally tied with sorrow.......... and all the feelings in between.  

It has been intense, but it has all be very very good. Tonight, I say a prayer of thanks for my own experiences at camp because once again........ they helped me understand what my children were feeling and guide them through big maze of milestones they are coping with in their young lives.  In turn, they have helped me re-evaluate those lessons I gathered up, as well as gave me another glimpse at how important those friendships have been all these years.   

 

Max learning a few new dance moves at a War Child fundraiser on Saturday evening.

fueling a dream

It begins as a flint striking steel, producing a spark hot enough to ignite tinder.  It continues as you add more heat and fuel but will only grow into flames if there is fresh air flowing through the woven bits of kindling.  One flint, one spark, bits of straw along with the surrounding oxygen and you've got yourself the beginning of a crackling fire.  

It begins as a faint idea toppling out of the friction between your head and heart.  A thought spark hot enough to ignite feelings of desire.  It continues as you add more passion and gathered information, but will only grow into a dream if there is fresh air, a spirit,  flowing through the woven bits of contemplation.  One faint idea, one spark between thought and feelings, bits of reflective yearnings along with the surrounding oxygen to feed the passion behind the idea and you've got yourself the beginning of a dream. 

So often our attempts to turn a spark into a productive fire, to turn a faint idea into a dream dies out before we have a chance to fuel it.........or to provide enough breath to keep hope alive.  It can be a disappointing process, filled with a sense of failure and not a lick of success.  All smoke and no flame. It can drag you down, and strip you of the desire needed to replenish.  You begin to lose the internal combustion as you try desperately to figure out why the flame didn't ignite. 

When for one reason or another we do manage to grow a dream, it almost seems like a miracle because it feels like it occurs against all odds.  There is a piece of a fulfilled dream, however,  that has no clear explanation as to why this one sparked brightly enough to broaden into something real and tangible.  This is where destiny dwells.........it's where a divine light shines.  No dream is complete without some mystery.  

All we can do is carry our flint/idea, a piece of metal (our thoughts and feelings) and a pocketful of straw and twigs (reflections, contemplations, ruminations).  All we can do is offer our spirit..........our air to oxygenate our thoughts and feelings to turn them into action.  A dream needs heat, fuel, air and a little bit of divine intervention to come alive.  

You also have to put words to it..........you have to vocalize it or else it will just remain a haze of smokey illusions.  When was the last time you shared a dream idea with someone? 

Just for the record?  I really really really want to visit the Island of Iona.  

one stalled muse......

Wow, I'm stalled.  I've started several bloggie posts and haven't the energy or creative ooomph to finish them.  They all seem so contrived and weenie, and I just can't go there.  I'm empty?  Or am I saturated?  I don't know.  Maybe a bit of both.  Whatever it is, I don't seem to have it. 

No flow, no go.  That's how I feel.  Step away until the muse makes an entrance again.  Be patient.  However, I know better.  You can't let the void of ideas and lack of incentive bung you up!  Sometimes, you just have to grab the entrails of one's motivation and grunt through the painful process.  Writer's block is a constipating ordeal.

Actually, I don't think my lack of "flow" has anything to do with writer's block.  I've got a million ideas swimming around in my head.  Phrases and bits of poetry are just beyond my imagination reach.  Topics and stories are formulating.  Two solid script ideas.  A novel idea which absolutely pumped me up last fall when I first started creating the main character and storyline.  In fact, one night I jotted down 10 pages of notes.  It was a freeflow stream of ideas. But then, I started sharing my ideas because of my excitement and kind of lost interest.  That's what happens.  If I talk about a piece i want to write before i actually do it, I tend to lose the drive. 

Many of the stories I want to write about I can't because of the public nature of this venue and the private confidentiality I have to live and work by.  Though I can often develop a post based on a story and turn it into something more general or something that doesn't look anything like my original tale, as I did with the last few pieces.  But, that takes some concentration.  Right now, I'm lacking in that......... that's not a block. That's called feeling unanchored.  There's a disconnect between my heart, my head and my creative side. It feels like there are ka-chunky divots on this creative road that swallow up my ability to find just.the.right.word.  I havent felt like this since my writing spree began 4 1/2 years ago and I started this blog.

Why did I start this blog?  It's original purpose was to help incorporate writing into my daily routine.  Well, that was accomplished and more.  It's an obsession. OK, its more than an obsession. It was also the place to archive first drafts.  I don't think I intended it to be an eternal holding tank, and I didn't expect it to end up being an obstacle to take the next step with some of the writing I'm proud of...........  1346 posts later?  hmmmmmmmmm.......... I know there are a hundred or so of them that meaningful and  have the potential for a larger audience.  This, I have confidence in.

I don't fear the distinct possibility of rejection.  I'm realistic about the chances of any of my work seeing the light of day in the publishing world.  But I know I have to try.  I have to pull some of these piece together and try or I will regret it forever. So, what's stalling me?  The way I see it.............there are two biggies.

1. I suck at organizing and detail work.  I'm not good at knitting, beading, and fine needlework.  It drags me down, sucks my energy,  makes me feel creatively claustrophobic.  I'm much better with open ended projects........ photography fills that for me, as does making wreaths or pulling together big baskets of goodies.  I love flower arranging......... the wilder the better.  My garden is a place of messy perennial blooms and not an orderly row upon row effort.  I don't even dress conservatively.  It constricts me.  I do have an aesthetic eye for colour and composition and I see the fine details.  But, I love the overall charismatic effect of creativity.  

If you asked my boss what my weaknesses are, she wouldn't hesitate........... the paperwork.  My strengths are the BIG ideas, the generation of a project while leading it.  So, put it in creative writing terms, my strengths are in the creative first idea side of things......and then overseeing the construction of a piece of prose with the big picture in my mind's eye.  I don't like to proofread, edit, or get bogged down by all of that.  Ideas trip out of me with lightening speed.  Maybe I'm ADHD?  No.  My attention span is fully firing when I'm engaged and can sculpt from an open hearted opportunity.

2.  The process of writing for me is both sensual and spiritual.  When I sink into the depths of a piece of writing, where just the right word is captured so effortlessly, where time holds no meaning, and the whole world could come to a crashing halt without a whisper of it filtering into my consciousness, I can only describe it as a connection with a Higher Power.  Is it too much to describe it as a heightened sense of becoming?  An enlightened awareness?

It's an elixir I keep returning to taste because it tastes so sweet, so ripe, I want to devour it.  In turn, the writing process feeds my appetite. I can explore, step out into new frontiers.  It stretches me, challenges me, pushes me beyond my comfort zone.  It also allows me to process my thoughts and put words to them.  It is the best tool for enhancing my own emotional literacy.   Consequently, once I have written something and post it here, I begin to move on right away into the next idea.  

The next idea and the previous 50 ideas I've had however, didn't grab hold of me like they used to.  As frustrating as that is, I can't deny it anymore and will have to explore the whys behind the change of wind.   Maybe it's time to seek out the challenges in the discomfort zone of returning to have a gander what I have already written. It's time to revisit and evaluate.  Maybe by doing this, the flow will reappear and my ability to find just the right word will reconnect my heart, my head and my creative side.  That would be such a relief, because to tell you the truth, I havent felt that way in months. 

OH, the details!!!  Please don't let me drown in the editing, tweaking, cutting, rewriting, tossing, threading, beading work ahead.  Oh, and God?  Would you mind dropping in from time to time to check on me like you did when I was in the writing flow?

_____________________________________________________

You could help me out too......... TREMENDOUSLY.  If there is a memorable piece I've written... a particular post that resonated with you....poked you in the ribs maybe.... I would love to know.  Thank you.

 Excerpt from Obama's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech. 

"Adhering to this law of love has always been the core struggle of human nature. We are fallible. We make mistakes, and fall victim to the temptations of pride, and power, and sometimes evil. Even those of us with the best intentions will at times fail to right the wrongs before us. 

But we do not have to think that human nature is perfect for us to still believe that the human condition can be perfected. We do not have to live in an idealized world to still reach for those ideals that will make it a better place. The non-violence practiced by men like Gandhi and King may not have been practical or possible in every circumstance, but the love that they preached - their faith in human progress - must always be the North Star that guides us on our journey.  

For if we lose that faith - if we dismiss it as silly or naïve; if we divorce it from the decisions that we make on issues of war and peace - then we lose what is best about humanity. We lose our sense of possibility. We lose our moral compass. 

Like generations have before us, we must reject that future. As Dr. King said at this occasion so many years ago, "I refuse to accept despair as the final response to the ambiguities of history. I refuse to accept the idea that the 'isness' of man's present nature makes him morally incapable of reaching up for the eternal 'oughtness' that forever confronts him."

So let us reach for the world that ought to be - that spark of the divine that still stirs within each of our souls."

December 10, 2009

our own skin

So much of what we learn is through imitation.
So much of what we want is to be just like another.
So much of what we yearn for is to be accepted.
So much of what we do is to feel we're understood.
So much of what we need is to know we belong.
So much of our actions are to show someone we exist.
So much of what we share of ourselves is to try to give love.
So much of what we cry out for is a chance to be loved.

Let much of what we do and learn be with gusto.
Let much of what we do and learn lead us to a sense of belonging and affirmation.
Let much of what we do and learn allow us to offer this feeling to others.
Let much of what we do and learn lead us to that place where we find comfort in our own skin.

Charles, are they sending you off to cover the troops? Mon Dieu!!

My friend Charles Leblanc has posted his "take" on what happened yesterday at the courthouse when he arrived for the "gathering..." Charles had been arrested on April 22nd for assault and trespassing onto the grounds of the New Brunswick Legislature while attempting to cover the protest that day for his blog. I wrote about it yesterday and received more than triple the number of hits than I usually do. Scroll down if you want to read my version. :)

Amazing how many folks are following the story....and most are good solid supporters of Charles even though he's a CRAZY Blogger!! Nothing like a good hearted crazyman with ADHD out there acting as our city's superhero. Who needs Superman when you have Charles Leblanc keeping an eye on things. Fredericton is much more interesting and far richer because of his unrelenting efforts.

Good to know Brian D. was there with you Charles. :) Bon chance mon ami..... you'll get some answers soon. Can I have the story/film rights to your life story?? Hmmm.... I wonder who would be best in the lead role? I'm partial to Robert Downey Jr. He's a bit nuts too.


Here it is.... and please do leave him an encouraging comment will you? thanks.

Creative Teamwork ........Their eyes were on the prize!

I'm sure most of us have been summoned to the door by an enthusiastic young entrepreneur selling something on behalf of their school? Everything from raffle tickets to cheese to wreaths to wrapping paper.....oh, and chocolate bars too are sold door to door for the sake of new gym mats, band instruments or whatever the district budget never seems to be able to afford. In order to REV up the enthusiasm, the kids are lured by a host of prizes.........prizes that get bigger the more you can SELL,SELL,SELL!

This year, my 11 year old son who is at a new bigkid school (aka middle school/junior high) along with the whole student body were asked to sell a bunch of crap out of a catalogue. The golden egg prize? A Limosine ride for 4 to and from the movie theatre.....tickets and popcorn included. Well! BADABING! That got the entrepreneurial imagination stirred. Within minutes of that announcement, Max pulled three of his buddies together and suggested that whatever they sell individually they would pool it under one name on the order form and if they won, they would all get a Limo ride.

SURE!

SURE!

YEAH!

They approached their teacher with this idea to make sure it would be alright. She seemed all for it and off they went to plan their marketing strategy by mapping out the neighbourhood. For a few days, the boys paired up and scampered up and down the streets knocking on doors and smiling their adorable 11 year old smiles and before they knew it, they had managed to sell close to 800 dollars worth of trumped up dollar store items. It took an evening to make sure everything was itemized and accounted for on the order sheet, all monitored by one of the parents. It all seemed like a GREAT exercise in business practises. The boys were learning, cooperating, and applying both their social skills and their imaginations.

Well............they won! It was announced over the loudspeaker! Cheers all around the little Grade 6 class! They beat out the rest of the student body!! The Limo was theirs! Bring it ON!

Then, somebody put on the brakes! A complaint was filed. It wasn't fair said the complaint. Someone in the office agreed....it wasn't fair. Before we knew it, 4 very rejected sad faces shuffled home to inform their parents that they were told they didn't win because they pooled their order under one name and that wasn't FAIR! "That's the last time I'm selling crap for that school.." says Max. "They knew what we were doing. The teacher told us we could..."

It turns out however that these 4 boys are sons of parents who have put in many many MANY hours of fundraising over the years when they were too young to sell crap from a catalogue. They did it! Christmas bazaars, raffle tickets, auctions, garage sales, silent auctions.....wreaths, pointsettias, T-shirts, CD's, you name it, we sold it. Not only that, we ORGANIZED the selling of it. If you were to pool the $$ raised between the 4 families it would be quite a heap of gym mats, library books, playground equipment and musical instruments. We had been on both sides of the fundraising game......SO.... fair is fair is FAIR!

One scripted email, highlighting the fact that these guys were up front about their gameplan and were creative enough to sell the most product, and the Limosine, movie tickies and popcorn was regifted. The Principal shook their hands and praised them for their ingenuity. The Vice Principal shook her head and said......"this is the first time in the 13 years we've been selling crap from a catalogue" that this approach was used. We'll have to make sure we have the rules in order for next year....."

Last night, the boys congregated at one of the homes with 11 year old excited anticipation. Slowly up the street came a shining white stretch limosine to pick up the stars. The boys poured out of the house and down the driveway with ooooo's and ahhhhhhh's and enough laughter to fill the Friday night sky! The driver, a woman named Ned Kelly (honest to God) welcomed them and opened the door into a world of entrepreneurial dreamland!

Off they went for a ride........

feast or famine

"Through fear of knowing who we really are and what we want, we sidestep our own resting which leaves us hungry in a famine of our own making."

John O'Donahue

I never want to be left in the famine if I can help it. I look around and think about people whom I have known who knew better..........who knew it was up to them to feed their own destiny and yet couldn't or wouldn't grab hold of the glorious ride of life. Instead, they lurked on the sidelines watched it all march by.....watched their life slide by like it was a game being played by someone else.

I don't want that. Their sad examples push me onto the playing field to be in the middle of the game. I may be scared out of my mind sometimes. I may feel like I don't have the proper equipment or the right gameplan to execute life with the panache and grace of the award winning star quarterback. But I really really want to try. And after the scrimmaging.....the action on the field, let me be brave enough to sit quietly in the bleachers and think about how the game is unfolding every once in a while.

There's no point in playing the game without reflecting on the progress of it.....to consider what's working, what's not and what has left a bruise or two......to recognize who else is on the field with you...... There's no such thing as a "do-over" but there is such a thing as learning from a passing, moving interactive moment. Our lives are in constant motion. Our lives are accompanied by a rhythm and a beat which sometimes harmonizes with others, and sometimes reveals to us and others a new personal timbre. It only becomes significantly apparent if we find the courage to quietly listen to it every once in a while. Awareness is fed by the cycle of the doing and the reflecting.

Is one more scary than the other?

We need to be right in the middle of the game, but we also need to seek refuge in the solitary contemplation along the sidelines. Too much of one leads to an imbalance between famine and feast. If we're on the sidelines too much, we may miss a couple of plays on the field we couldn've assumed a role in. If we're in the middle of the scrimmage too much, we can't see the big picture buffet. The key is to figure out our own personal fulcrum so at the end of a day, we don't find ourselves wishing for a do-over.

I guess the best we can do is to try.....and every now and then we will be the one holding the football and crossing into the endzone victoriously. I want to be one of those who does the happy dance in the endzone.

Will you join me in the happy dance?

make it happen

One idea.........one little thought seed has the capacity to take root just by tapping into your own reservoir of Will. If you let it. Our will captures those free floating hopes and dreams and magically turns them into tangible goals. It is the courageous force behind action. This radiant energy propels us forward, possibly onto a new and somewhat unknown path, with confident vision.

Will............our gift from God, lets us

seek out purpose


clarify intent


energize dreams

let go of our burdens

feed our faith

hold our hand as we take aim

lighten our steps

SMILE from ear to ear..........

See it in your horizon..........feel it in your spirit...........let it lead you to your goal. Let your Will make it happen. Mold it with your own hands and heart.