shards and soles.

The soles on her shoes weren't meant to tread on long stretches of terrain littered by sharp pieces of broken dreams. Not that she was supposed to be protected from feeling pain.  She was no pampered princess.  Her life was much much easier than millions of others on this planet, but she still had her life shards to contend with.... to walk on.  With unprotected soles.

She had felt pain.  Absorbed it too. She had felt the pain of many others and allowed it to absorb inside her as well, but for some reason this process didn't streetproof her to emotionally and physically deal with the messiness from her most recent life storm that had shredded her dreams.  

Not today anyways.  Not today.  Wrong shoes.  Broken dreams.

Some days, she wore the right footwear for the hike.  Other days, she wasn't thinking and grabbed the closest ones to the front door.  Even then, she usually could manoeuver the terrain.  This time however, when she got halfway down the road, she realized the bottom of her life weathered feet weren't protected.  Her shins and calves felt the heat of exertion too as the pain of new bruises forming on her soles hurt to take another step.  With no one to guide her through this unchartered area, her confidence sagged right along with her depleting energy. 

Enough shards.  Enough pain.  Go away.

There were times too when she was convinced  her footwear was proper because she had walked the road before.  It had been no problem.  There had been no shards, no broken pieces to detour.  But, there they were!  Broken glass from tumblers that once held champange toasts, chunks of concrete that had buckled up like burnt sugar on the sides of a cake pan, limbs which once held carefree tree swings littered the way.  Potholes and puddles of standing water slicked by oily remnants from dirty dishwater.  

Everywhere she turned, she saw tattered signs from her past littering the sidewalks.  Discarded records, books and trinkets given to her out of love.  Tossed away presents she had carefully chosen and wrapped.... given from love, often with a giddy bow tied around it that giggled....."he's going to love this!"  Wind-up toys laid on their sides, photos soddened by a rainfall of tears floated towards the drain, slipped through the grates, washed away........ Shards of a life shared only to be picked up and thrown into a garbage bag strong enough not to be punctured...thick enough not to bellow out the longstanding humour once shared and seemingly only understood by the two people the stuff matters to.  

My God, we could make each other laugh........ right across a crowded room.  Does he still have that in his life?  I can't imagine. 

The wind always seemed to heckle on the days she wore the wrong shoes.  It mocked her courage while it whistled familiar tunes once so dearly embraced during the spontaneity of a Friday night soft shoe after the kids were in bed.  No more.  At one time, the music melted away any harshness.  It fueled loving tangos.  Now, it mocks as it pierces her sense of failure.  She dances alone to her wedding song as it plays in the wind of a once familiar road now littered in dreams tossed out by the man she once believed in.  She once believed, when she danced with him to an Irish Heartbeat in a beautiful dress that made her feel like she floated on air.  

Their belief in one another lasted for a very long time after that magical day. It didn't matter what shoes she wore.  They walked together, helping each other to step over the sharp life pieces.  

"Oh, won't you stay
Stay a while with your own ones
Don't ever stray
Stray so far from your own ones
For the world is so cold
Don't care nothing for your soul
You share with your own ones..."

Van Morrison, Irish Heartbeat

________________________________

You know, some days are much easier than others.  Today isn't one of them.  This is the day I walked down the aisle in the right shoes towards the right man.  We said our vows.  We promised.  24 years ago today. we looked into eachothers eyes and said "I do."  Surrounded by family who loved and supported us, by friends who believed we were meant for one another, he kissed me on the lips and on the forehead. 

From here on in, I walk barefoot and rely on my inner soul to guide me.

(ps.  this was very cathartic to write.  don't worry about me...... it's all normal feelings and I'm working through them properly.....)

swimming in your own stare....

Nobody, absolutely nobody gets out of this life without accumulating a series of personal emotional wounds.  Chances are, nobody gets out of this life without being the one who wounds another.  Even the kindest person trips up somewhere along the line.  Well, maybe Mother Theresa didn't wound anybody. 

Sometimes we just have to learn how to step beyond those debilitating feelings that make you double over in vulnerability.  Its tempting to remain stuck in sadness, anger, hurt, shame and/or jealousy because they have a tendancy to be SO big that they flood our thinking and our actions.  They leave you sitting on the sidelines swimming in your own stare, gazing without focus.....walking in circles, believing you belong there.  That's the temptation.....to grab hold of these devilish emotions and allow them to label you....

The offended one.

The betrayed one.

The rejected one.

The discarded one.

The abandoned one. 

 Look at all the labels one can choose from!!! 

Though it's important to look at the dark side of our feelings, to reflect upon the events which have been the culprit of the wounds, there comes a time when you have to step over them, leave them behind and move on.  Easier said than done....especially if you sink into a pit of self loathing introversion.  Swimming in your own stare.  This is what sinks you.  This is what fuels the apathy and strips you of any level headed reasoning.  

When you are going through a painful experience, its easy to hide away.  In fact, I think its the natural response........ FLIGHT from the pain. But, the pain follows.  The labels stick like humidity to skin. Wounded vulnerability drains you of energy.  So how do you pull yourself out of the bleeding?  

BLINK!  

Change your swim stroke! 

Stop staring at the same picture.

Ask for help........a little help from your friends.  :)

Surround yourself with the loving care of others.

Change your thinking with activity even if you are exhausted.

Write it out............ which is what I'm doing right now......

Do something you enjoy doing.  

Be kind to yourself.

Talk to God.

Sit still and face the wind and listen to His Spirit all around you........

Then, go out and do something for someone else.  Trust that your wounds will remained bandaged so you can be there fully for someone else. 

This morning, as I was having breakfast with a friend at the market, an angel who knows my situation and  who happened to be waitressing, leaned down and whispered in my ear that the woman who has recently moved to town and has played a major role in the demise of my marriage, and the break up of two families was in line to be seated. This angel, who calls everyone honey, told me that she loved me and didn't want to see me hurt.  

A rush of anxiety flooded me........ the wounds opened up in my gut.  I hugged my friend, thanked my angel and took flight!  By the time I reached my car, I was a shaking mess....upset that I reacted that way, and upset that someone's presence would make me feel like throwing up.  More than anything I was upset over the realization that I could feel the DEPTH of hurt I thought I had left behind.  It felt like all of what I have done to heal went right out the window in one caught breath. 

I really thought I had stepped over the wounds.  I guess not.  My bravery was too thin skinned to remain there with my head held high.  All day, I've been a mess.  My stomach was in knots.  My tears kept flowing.  Until NOW. Ever since I started writing this post, I could feel my strength and confidence return.  I DO know how to help heal the wounds..... it just takes more time than I had thought. 

It's been a wake up call.  It's also been an opportunity to reframe and remember all the things I HAVE done since March that have added to a deepening faith, to a sense of freedom and relief,  to a recognition that there was an emotional detachment in my marriage for a very long time.  More importantly, this jolt to my senses has informed me that my heart still needs mending....  Oh, and to give thanks to the angels in my life!  They are plentiful and everywhere!  I AM being looked after by the universe. 

I am humbled by the sacredness of this journey...... wounds bless and break.  They also teach me and feed me bread for the journey.  As a student of living out loud?  I will never remain on any sideline for long.....just long enough to change the gauze and the gaze!!  I am not swimming in my own stare any longer today. 

ps...... Wow, writing does heal!!!!  Now, I wish I had stayed long enough to get a glimpse of this woman.  I still don't know what she looks like!! Next time. Next time.

the power of a blessing....

I am sitting in the reliable stillness of my living room sipping on the first cup of reliable hot tea as I read this blessing in quiet whisper to myself this morning before daylight comes .... before my children wake up to start a new week  ....  before my feet really hit the ground running to help orchestrate a new week of work/school/life routine.   It may become a new part of my routine because by the time I reached the end of Father O'Donohue's blessing, I could literally feel a lift in my spirit.  I could hear his beautiful Irish poetic voice too. 

Many friends have warned me............ expect the "dips....."  It will be difficult for a long time.  So far they are right on.  As much as I expect the reality "dips," there is no way of predicting them, nor knowing presently just how deep the plunge can feel.  I expect the dips and when they come, I let go.  However, I also expect moments of release too.  And when they arrive, I embrace them with a full heart.  I give thanks to the support I have all around me, including friends who are far away, linked to me heart to hear through this blog. 

Sundays will the be most difficult day for me.  When it comes to Sundays, dinner and all the makings are a traditional grounding for me and my family.  There is nothing that I love more than Sunday afternoons spent at home cooking, planning, listening to music and interviews on the radio knowing my family is somewhere in the house doing their own thing.  It prepares me for the upcoming busy week, while it helps me clear my head. Yesterday, as I was told very clearly that there was no hope for reconciliation, no desire to work on the vows we took over 22 years ago.  In the middle of a Sunday afternoon. The dips arrived....... BIG TIME.  

Then they left me in peace.  It took a while, and it took reaching out and asking for friend and family fuel. But, I found peace.  By the end of the evening........ after I had made dinner and fed my family under a different scenario, I found myself sharing stories with  my daughter who cuddled up onto the couch to introduce to me a new song........ one it turns out she listens to every night as part of her routine to find sleep.  We laughed and shared, and she helped me find peace. 

This morning, it is my turn...... to lead them into a new week, a different kind of week and routine. Similar but different.  Because now?  Now, I have these beautiful words by Father John O'Donohue to lift me up out of resentment for a while to see hope to give thanks.   Let daylight begin....

Matins

Somewhere, out at the edges, the night

is turning and the waves of darkness

Begin to brighten the shore of dawn.

The heavy dusk falls back on earth

And the freed air goes wild with light.

The heart fills with fresh, bright breath

And thoughts stir to give birth to colour.

I arise today

In the Silence 

Womb of the Word

In the name of Stillness

Home and Belonging,

In the name of the Solitude

Of the Soul and the Earth,

I arise today.

Blessed by all things,

Wings of breath

Delight of eyes,

Wonder of whisper,

Intimacy of touch,

Eternity of the soul, 

Urgency of thought

Miracle of health, 

Embrace of God.

May I live this day.

Compassionate of heart,

Clear in word, 

Gracious in awareness, 

Courageous in thought, 

Generous in love.

John O'Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us.

Expect the dips.........embrace the moments when a blessing can carry you back to hope.  I think it will be a new mantra to help lead us into the unknown.  One day at a time, right?  One day at a time.  A new one is dawning...........  I arise today.

i'm a happy enchilada....

There is a man whom I have never met face to face but who has been in my life longer than my husband and has followed me around wherever I've roamed. On days when I sorely needed some grounding and a little lightheartedness, I have ALWAYS been able to count on this man to put a legal/illegal smile on my face. In fact, this man impressed my husband so much when I introduced the two of them that I believe he had an impact on the fate of my ensuing marriage to my husband. He even told me so!

Well, it turns out this man is coming to town, and I plan to send him an email to invite him for dinner. It's time we met face to face....to sit on my back deck and swill a few beers and talk about "how the world goes round....one day you're up and the next you're down....it's a half an inch of water and you think you're gonna drown.... that's the way the world goes round...."
Or maybe we'll chat about "blowin' up your TV...and movin' to the country to plant and little garden and eat a lot of peaches and try to find Jesus on your own." OMG, what fun it would be to have John Prine for dins! I mean the man's gotta eat...why not at my house??

Unfortunately....tickets to his concert sold out faster than Leonard Cohen for God's sake, and we weren't one of the lucky ones to nab any of them!! So, we'll be heading to Saint John to catch his concert there. Personally, I blame Terry Seguin who BLABBED on and on and friggin' on his CBC morning for the past week and got the whole damn county all frothy about getting tickets! GRRRRR! (Terry, if John Hiatt happens to show up in this fair city, I will sabotage your microphone until I can get my hands on tickets....either that, or you're taking me with you!!!)

Despite my disappointment that I can't see Mr. Prine sing Fishin' and Whistlin'....and croon about the Angel from Montgomery....sing about his Grandpa who was a Carpenter in my own town....I am PSYCHED that I will be sitting pretty at the Imperial Theatre sometime in August soaking in the words and tunes of a one of a kind raconteur....

Next week?.....a whole new ballgame for ticket purchasing. The other man in my life ... my son, Sir Maxwell silver hammer....? He and I are going to attempt to secure two tickies to see McCartney in Halifax. Wish us luck! Chances are they too will sell out in 5 minutes or less. :)

A slice of Prine.....enjoy his song and his Happy Enchilada story.... ! He owns a piece of my heart this man....

in spite of ourselves.....

Hands down, the ultimate love song. Happy Valentine's Day to my big door prize. May we end up sitting on a rainbow kicking back and howling at the moon.

Enjoy.....xxxxx

Irish Heartbeat, More Than You Know......

leader of the pack.

Yesterday, I read Carmi's post on 100 statements and decided to give it a whirl. Here is the result of my stream of conscious thoughts.

1. My favourite flowers are tulips


2. I carried them in my wedding bouquet 20 years ago today.
   
3. Yes, today is my 20th wedding anniversary
   
4. I married the kindest, handsomest, funniest man I know.
   
5. A man who sings in the shower, who always thinks of others first, whose blue eyes smile.
   
6. We decided to marry between Christmas and New Years so that everyone would be home for the holidays, including us since we had just moved to New Brunswick in the fall of 1987 from Ontario.
   
7. It was a candlelight service......followed by a dancing reception.



8. I wore my wedding dress all night long. I never understood why a bride would change out of her dress to put on a "going away" outfit when it was the only day she'd wear the dress EVER. So, I wore mine all night long..........
   
9. There were speeches and toasts.........my father turned into Bill Cosby and had everyone falling out of their seats with laughter. First daughter, first wedding speech. He nailed it.
   
10. I was a nervous wreck and decided not to make my own speech. I think if I was to be married today, I wouldn't hesitate to take my turn behind the microphone. Somewhere along the line I got over my fear of standing up in front of an audience.



11. I'll never forget the feeling of waiting to walk down the aisle with my Dad. I think I had forgotten how to breathe. But, when we stood at the doorway and I looked down the aisle and saw all the people turned to look at us, every face spoke to me.......every face was recognizable and represented parts of my life.
    



12. Interestingly, I seemed to hone in on 5 or 6 people as I made my way towards the front of the church to where my future husband, Best Man and Minister were standing. Everyone else seemed like a blur, though I felt their reassurance and presence.
    



13. Don't trip, don't trip, don't trip.............
    



14. I honestly didn't know if I would be able to focus myself beyond my nerves to repeat the vows.
    



15. Then Jamie's grandmother, a little confused at this point in her life and a bit hard of hearing, leaned over to her son (my father in law) whom she called Buzzie.......and loudly asked......"Who's wedding is this Buzzie????"
    



16. Loudly the reply........."It's DANA AND JAMIE'S wedding......"
    



17. "Oh......good, OK.....She looks beautiful.........."
    



18. Thank you Gram. I then relaxed. All was right in the world.



19. When I think back today on my wedding day, I am struck by how many who attended have since passed away. I will make sure they are with me today in my thoughts.
    



20. Reverend Johnson, my Minister who resided over my confirmation 12 years prior continued to smile warmly and began the ceremony by talking about the beauty of watching a bride and her father walk down the aisle. He made me feel special. He made me feel like a floating beautiful bride.



21. Our friend Robin read a beautiful piece...........he had been in a car accident the day before and had lost a couple of teeth, the poor bugger........all swollen mouthed, he still spoke eloquently, as only Robin can.
    



22. Behind the scenes, as the organist played, the wedding party entered the little office to sign the registry........youthful giggles and laughter over Gram's loud outburst........over nerves and excitement......hugs and kisses and sighs of relief.
    



23. 20 years ago..........feels like a dream



24. We met through a mutual friend whom I was dating. long story, but ends well. He's still one of our closest friends, and Godfather to our son.



25. Our first date was to see Paul Young in concert. Though it didn't start out as a regular date, since we were supposedly just attending as friends. But, on the way home, when he began singing Sinatra's "More than you know........."



26. I knew right away...........



27. He knew right away.......



28. I had always told my girlfriends that I would marry the first guy to arrange to have flowers delivered to me.



29. They arrived the morning after the Paul Young concert. An enormous bouquet of spring flowers................delivered to ME.



30. I made my friend Bonnie take a photo of me holding the bouquet. We laughed that my prediction was possibly going to come true.



31. He still brings me flowers, sometimes just because.



32. My husband loves to have fresh cut flowers in our home just as much as I do.



33. Though he isn't into gardening, he fully appreciates my efforts.



34. Our honeymoon included our whole wedding party and a few others.



35. It was New Year's after all, and it was the only time we would see these friends for a while since we were moving back to New Brunswick on our own.



36. The first year in our new province was difficult.



37. Jamie was studying full time and I struggled to find work.



38. I grabbed anything that came my way...........afterschool daycare worker, crap jewelry sales person, workplace analyst..........



39. As a workplace analyst, I worked at a local club to write down every task of every staff person. That meant I got to hang out one night with the bouncers and heard unbelievable stories, mostly to do with sexual trysts occuring in every nook and cranny of that club.........and some right out in the open!! People are brazen arent they? Horny too.



40. I also spent an evening sitting at a bar on a Friday night observing the Manager named Anne. It turned out to be the beginning of a very close friendship which thrives 20 years later.



41. Then, we were young and married. Now, we are young and married with 2 children each, all of whom are either adolescents or not too far away from it.



42. Since that first night when we were the only two sober people in the whole place, our growing families have shared many holidays, weekends away, Easters, Christmases, and summer beach trips together.



43. Two families away from our biologicial extended families, grown together.



44. It was a struggle for me to find my way, to feel like I belonged here



45. Frederiction is an established little alcove, where most people have their own set of friends



46. New people were somewhat invisible



47. New people were looked upon with unease, especially Upper Canadians. Why would they move here? They won't stay long..........that's the attitude.



48. It was an attitude I heard many times while trying to secure a good job. Why did you move here? How long are you staying? It was disturbing. It showed me a lack of confidence in themselves.



49. There is still a bit of that, but I have seen great changes in the openness of the community.



50. We met most of our friends through the University because we were all in the same boat. Poor, displaced, and interested in many of the same things.



51. Eventually, our group of friends expanded.



52. And it continues to grow into a eclectic group of talented people, including the children.



53. Interestingly, every family we are close friends with are "from away."



54. As Jamie continued to study, I jumped from one short term job to another until I landed at the Community College to teach night school.



55. It evolved to teaching during the day too.



56. All of a sudden, I am a teacher........a coach...........a facilitator..........of adults.



57. My degree is in child assessment and counselling, and yet, I'm teaching and working in the world of adults.



58. My career path has been one adjustment after another. This has never stopped.



59. As much as I love certain aspects of the work I do.......especially the counselling, I have never really felt established or secure in any job I have found myself ensconced in.



60. That's the way of the Maritimes.



61. Though the political message is...............there are lots of jobs, and lots of opportunities.....it is pure and utter bullshit.



62. This topic is for another time.



63. Because today, I am celebrating my 20 year anniversary.



64. Our first dance was to Van Morrison's Irish Heartbeat.



65. Oh, wont you stay, stay awhile with your only ones...........



66. Van Morrison has provided the music to our marriage.



67. There are other musicians who play a prominent role...........certain songs, certain memories, but it is Van who is key.



68. I would get stuck listening to the same preferred music over and over again if it wasn't for my flower giving music man who provides me with new compilation CD's to listen to. Every song is chosen with tremendous thought..............as he tries to broaden my interests, but also find songs which he knows will compliment my tastes.



69. Our first house became a home on Thanksgiving Day, 1993 when we walked through the front door with our baby daughter Martha for the first time. The light in the place changed before our eyes.



70. I'll never forget the adjustment from being two to being a family of three. One particular moment will forever be etched. Martha was 6 weeks old and hadnt yet slept for more than a two hour stretch at a time and I was nursing her. I was beyond exhaustion when Jamie came home one night from work. In his always calm manner, he poured me a glass of wine and told me to go to bed.........he would look after Martha.



71. I fell asleep right away and didn't move for 6 solid hours. It was heaven.



72. When I awoke, I was disoriented....it was dark by then. I found Jamie lying as still as ever on the couch with his baby girl lying on his chest fast asleep.



73. Jamie looked relieved to see me......not that it had been difficult to keep her settled down, but he had had to use the washroom for a few hours and was afraid to move for fear of waking Martha and consequently me.



74. How many people are that thoughtful????? I counted my blessings that I had found a life partner who would be that thoughtful...........and relieved to see me?



75. We are a good team............



76. Our individual strengths compliment our individual weaknesses.



77. We have learned to cope with adversity.



78. We have learned to rely on one another while living away from familial supports.



79. We have always recognized and respected each other's differences


80. Me an extrovert


81. He an introvert


82. We meet in the middle most of the time


83. Our sense of humour is our glue.


84. As are our foundational values


85. One of the key values is friendship


86. Another is organizing really good parties. Interestingly, I'm more in the background, while Jamie becomes the entertainer host when we throw parties. It's like we trade in our extroversion/introversion personalities.


87. The home we live in now is the home we brought our newborn son to. Max completed our family. His personality is a combination of his parents, like his sister's is.


88. I look at both of our children and see parts of me in them and parts of Jamie in them.


89. Martha has Jamie's calm friendliness. She shares a love of music and the arts with him. And her patience. Her entrepreneurial streak and her creativity she gets from me. Jamie tells Martha that she is his hero...........and he really means it.


90. Max acquired Jamie's sense of humour and ability to sing a variety of songs, changing the words on the fly. His over sensitivity unfortunately he inherited from me. But, lucky boy, his brain is wired to learn just like his momma! However, he still whups my ass in Scrabble.


91. I feel we do a very good job teaching our children the importance of looking out for others and respecting people of all ages. The other night, I watched our 10 year old Max entertain a 3 year old little girl and enjoying it thoroughly.......making her laugh so joyfully that he ended up laughing along with her. It was wonderful to watch evolve.


92. Our marriage has not been without its ups and downs. That's normal.


93. Sometimes one needs more than the other. Sometimes one member of the relationship is going through major stress and strain.............we learn to work through, to be patient, to know that it will pass if you just keep talking.


94. Today I look back on 20 years............too many things to put in 100 statements. Too many intimate memories shared only with my life partner.


95. Today I look around at my home.........in the early morning when everyone is still fast asleep and I feel an overwhelming sense of love and belonging.


96. It is a home we have nutured.


97. It is a home we fill with ourselves.


98. It is a marriage and a partnership I am blessed to be a part of.


99. 20 years. Where has the time gone?


100. To living our lives together, surrounded by a soundtrack of harmonies.