thin skinned beauty
The other day as I was driving home, I ploughed through a mass of dandelion fluff floating through the air. Millions of feathery seeds once attached to a stem had uplifted from the field beside the road and then got caught in a breezy travelling draft only to eventually disperse and settle to begin the cycle again on someone else's lawn. My car parted through the fluff. Before I knew it, I was on the other side this dandelion storm heading in the same direction. Smiling. It was a very cool experience.
I was reminded of this tiny burst of a moment tonight when I was trying to figure out where I've been and why I haven't been able to settle down enough to write. I realized that whenever I've tried, I couldn't harness my thoughts. I couldn't remain attached to the stem of an idea. I have been emotionally, cognitively, physically uprooted. Spiritually too.
At first inward glance, I focused on the negative reasons. We tend to do that don't we? As much as I strive to be a "glass half full" person and can encourage someone else to alter their inward glances from the negative to a more productive positive, when I'm at my worst I can't make the switch very well at all. So, I looked at it from that angle and this is what I saw...........
There have been days when I've felt like a train wreck and I'm so bloody busy trying to keep up with everything I have to do around here! Exhausted, alone, overwhelmed. Discarded. I second guess myself. I let my confidence sag like milkless breasts. OOOOOoooooo! I get all chilled and flushed at the same time even writing about it/thinking about it because the most predominant feelings that stream through me are shame and guilt. Failure. My emotions are so raw and on the surface way too much these days. There are many reasons for this which have left me with a sense of stalled vulnerability.... a heart open too wide and for too long. This leads to serious brain flooding and over reacting! And a jumble of questions........ ones that certainly don't have easy answers.
How do you love like you've never been hurt when you've been hurt? How do you truly forget or let go of past shambles so that it doesn't impact a new relationship? There has to be a way. There has to be a different avenue. I keep seeking. I want the street I seek to be named Trust-Me Boulevard, but I think it will have a new name. I just don't know where it is or what it will be called but let me catch a draft heading in that direction. Please!
What happens if allow your inward glance to lean towards a more positive perspective? This is actually where I am tonight. For the first time in weeks, I am breathing differently. I think. For now anyways. No doubt I have been scattering my energy in too many different directions. Scampering and scattering. Unbalanced. Seemingly floating in air without the tendrils to keep me grounded. Caught in a draft. Seeking and fearfully uncomfortable as I take new risks, form new relationships and TRY to juggle everything else in my life I must focus my attention on.
However, it may not be such a bad place to be at all. Challenging! FOR sure! Taxing? YES! Messy? YOU BET! But, being in this place of transitional movement is ripe for opportunity. I'm learning every day. I'm also getting things done around here. Maybe not as efficiently as I should or would or could. But, I am. New front steps. Repainted another room. Decluttering as best as I can. I've got a load of gravel sitting in my driveway just waiting for someone to shovel and level it! Any offers?!!
The garden is blooming. So are the weeds. The lawn is lush green and where there were patches of winter kill, it is newly seeded. The laundry isn't folded. There are cobwebs and dust in the corners of my home. But my kids are thriving and so am I. In spurts and starts and stalls and stops. My love life is a bit of a minefield, but that's to be expected. I'm learning to trust again. Tearfully, fearfully, bravely.... in my own wonky way.
I'm also experiencing many many many light bulb awakening moments. Big stuff! Big blooming stuff..... like how messed up my boundaries are with the people in my life ...... and how much they have altered. I'm learning that I have a long way to travel when it comes to trust again...... and I realized tonight that the name of the avenue I am looking for won't be named Trust-Me Boulevard. Rather, the first street I seek out will be Trust-IN-Me Place. This comes with letting myself off the hook by stopping the shame and guilt feelings. Acknowledging them of course, but then telling them to piss off!
If I'm ever going to be like that dandelion fluff and settle down again to begin a new cycle, I have to be patient with the journey, and accept the fact that it will never be a straight arrow path. Air drafts, like the pockets of unexpected life messes take you to destinations you may never have seen before.
Hey God are you around these days?? Will you take a moment to check on me... just for some reassurance. Please let me learn to be more accepting and less sensitive to judgement. Let me settle where I land. Let me bloom there on Trust-In-Me Place. I just know its where I belong........ it's where I can learn that hard lesson of loving again like Ive never been hurt. Gotta trust in me first, right God?