Wednesday, July 18, 2007

breathing..........


Yesterday, I sat with a woman in her new living space, out in the middle of nowhere. She and her children moved there on the weekend. They had no choice but to move away from their house.....to seek safety and piece of mind.

The middle of nowhere. Do you know where that is? I do. I've been there many times, in many places, in many spaces. Always feels and is the middle of nowhere. It's between here and there. Somewhere in the woods. Sometimes down the hall in an apartment building of anonymity. In the core of the city. Way out in the country. Tucked away and out of sight, down a dust splaying dirt road. Dead end. Under the radar. Behind the door. No amenities. Away, away. Lost.
Neighbours? Maybe. But, no neighbours who have the capacity to be neighbourly.

Family? Maybe. But, no family members who have the strength and energy to look outwardly.

The middle of nowhere is a deserted place void of healthy community lifelines. That's how it feels because that is what it is.

I initially drove right past the turn off. Though I had travelled this road many many times, I had never noticed the turn off before. Nowhere is invisible when you have another destination. You need directions to get there even if it's a familiar community. So, i found myself backtracking with new eyes searching for a break in the road to indicate a turn off. Eventually, my eyes spotted it and I turned onto an ungraded drive feeling like I had come across a forgotten place which should've been called Despair Drive.

Give us this day our daily bread.........and a little bit more, please.

The buildings, 5 or 6 of them looked neglectfully dilapidated on the outside. Beyond repair, like it was going to eventually collapse into a heap of compost only to be swallowed up by weeds. And a church too. An abandoned little church. Out in the middle of nowhere. Was it a religious community at one point? Who knows? Did God walk away and forget about this place?


Situated as one of a bunch of inhospitable dwellings, their new home fit right in. Hope hadn't visited this cul-de-sac in the middle of nowhere in a while, or so it appeared. A mangy old dog greeted me as I looked around at broken bits rusting in tall grass and dirt paths and thought to myself, "Dear God..... Is this truly the "middle of nowhere? Are you keeping tabs on these people? How can I help this family I'm about to meet?" I had only been provided with minimal facts concerning their plight, enough to know the severity..... bad enough to be asked to make sure they were safe from harm.....bad enough to be asked to follow up promptly. I had to fill in the gaps to prepare my approach and to manage my own reactions.

Counselling in the middle of nowhere expects that of you. Being effective as a counsellor means you have to be open to the journey of discovery but also to be able to protect yourself by preparing as much as you can......judgements and expectations have to put on the back burner, especially when you're trying to make an initial connection. But, your intuitive antennae is never turned off. A balance between being open to whatever happens, responding supportively, and making sure of your own comfort level is assuaged is key. Especially in the middle of nowhere.

As I turned into the driveway to park, I spotted a group of children peaking out at me as they played happily together with the mangy dog. Guess he's a friendly old mange, I thought. Looks can be deceiving. Never judge the facade, I remind myself again.

Beyond the frollicking kids was a garden...a thoughtfully mended garden of daylilies and daisies which seemed to take away from the pockmarked painted homes. And yet, I wondered how deserted this alcove in the middle of nowhere would look like in the dead of winter. Barren and isolated. Coldly bereft. Yesterday, however, the wildflowers and lush landscape in the background allowed the light to shine through the cracks. Hope may not have been visible to the naked eye, but it was definately lurking yesterday. I approached the front door, swinging wide open.....the springs long gone and was greeted by a smiling little urchin dressed in her dress up clothes.......for fun. I told her she looked like a beautiful tulip. Smiling, she twirled for me to show off the magic of her sparkling dress. Her long brown hair, knotted from summer winds lifted up as she swirled around faster. At that, her mom came to the door to invite me in. Big smiles on her as well. This was a family in crisis, I had been told. What I was greeted with were genuine smiles.

I crossed the threshold where I left dilapidation behind, and where I entered into a clean and bright hallway that ushered me into her new living room that was painted a glowing sunny yellow which reflected off the shiny hardwood floors. The windows were propped open with plastic containers filled with magnetic letters for the fridge and multi-coloured building blocks for rainy day towers. Sweet summer breezes scented by wild roses wafted through. Hint of pine. She had already unpacked her family's belongings and managed to turn her kitchen into a functioning place...........no boxes to empty....everything where it should be. She even managed to hang a few decorations. Wow....such efficiency! Such focus and calm! This woman has made big strides in less than a day to turn the living space into a sanctuary.....into a home.

And the light shone brightly in the middle of nowhere, where we sat in a bright yellow living room surrounded by inquisitive kids eating fresh strawberries......the juice colouring their chins a delicious red. When I asked the woman how she was feeling. She looked me right in the eye and simply stated: "I can breathe again. For the first time in 14 years, I can breathe again. It feels like a dream."

She found a calm refuge in the middle of nowhere. Isn't that something? Tonight, I think of her and of the kids and know they are breathing deep breaths of relief. The other stuff they have to contend with? It will happen after they gulp up the fresh air they found in the middle of nowhere.

18 comments:

BreadBox said...

That sounds incredibly positive to me: the experience I've had here with women and families escaping abusive and dangerous situations is one of almost deer-in-the-headlights terror, combined with, to me, and irrational desire to go back, to return to the abuse, to miss the control: it is so distressing to see someone in need of support, asking for support, being offered support, choosing after a few hours or days to go back to the untenable. Or worse.
And here, to make it worse, safe houses are sometimes not so anonymous as one would wish...

Good luck bringing them to the well, to drink of freedom, to the air, to breathe relief, and to the future, to experience it as a human being.

N.

sally said...

Wonderful...feeds the soul..... story of hope..thank you..xx

awareness said...

Breadbox.....that is often the case here too. This town is very small, so anonymity rarely happens. I'm sure most know where the safe houses are. what I find the most frightening are the woman and children who live in the rural areas away from help....and possibly unaware that there is even help out there.

This scenario is quite unique in many ways....though some attempts to leave had also happened beforehand, like many others.

I left with a big lesson relearned....one cannot move forward to reach to attain other needs without air. No point in working on "love and belonging or self-esteem needs" when the basics aren't met.

I have also learned through my encounters and work that one always has to allow the individual to lead.....can't have an agenda that isn't in tune with the individual....as much as I wanted to press the judicial process etc, it wasn't time.

sally....thanks....it was quite hopeful. Who knew that the middle of nowhere could offer so many smiles :)

Bernie said...

A very inspiring story...

Here from MIchele's this morning... Glad I came too!

Stella Dean said...

I've been there too. Michele sends me today.

Unknown said...

The women that you work with are incredibly blessed to have you. I feel so lucky to have your words and they get the whole package...you are amazing!

Michael K. Althouse said...

The middle of nowhere can be at once a blessing and a curse. Sometimes there is no place I'd rather be. In fact, as I mature, it seems to be increasingly so. A fine post, my friend!

Michele sent me this time,

Mike

colleen said...

I feel a relief that they are safely in the middle of nowhere and have each other.

Some people think I live in the middle of no where in the country, but I've never been so busy and active.

Michele sent me over.

awareness said...

b...welcome...glad you dropped in.

used to be me....it can be a very lonely place...

Tori...you're too kind. I felt blessed sitting in her livingroom.

Mike. thank you....and you know what? I too seek out nowhere more and more often. I guess it comes down to having the choice to seek it or not. this woman sought it too....and it will be good for her for a while....

awareness said...

hi colleen.....it all comes down to feeling a sense of grounding, doesn't it? And a sense of belonging....and a state of mind.

i have seen the middle of nowhere situated right in the centre of a city in a rooming house. it can be so very lonely.....

thanks for dropping by.

BreadBox said...

Michele sends me everywhere, but for this trip she just game me directions...

I really felt bad for all the women who couldn't handle the help, whose bad choices just went on and on. It really does sound like you know how to get them to let themselves make the right choices: good luck to them with these choices.

I think that, from the people I've met in NB and here in SE US, there are probably abusers as bad up there as there are down here, but their choices of weapons are likely to be different here --- guns are so much more widely available here, with no apparent care as to buyer. I know that NB has a hunting tradition, but it still seems that there are differences....
And while a knife can damage, a gun can do more damage at a greater distance.

I'm getting lost in the seriousness of this comment. I just want to wish you, and your people, well.

Best,
N.

jsdaughter said...

What vivid description.. I felt like I was there with you. Michele sent me

JP (mom) said...

I love how you unfold an experience, Dana .... I've been running an agency that helps women in these situations, but as a director, it is important to be reminded of these moments when a client truly can breathe & start living life again. Beautifully stated ...xx,JP

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

middle of nowhere.....am there right now.....

wonderful writing this week dana

Shaz said...

As always you put awful situations into a way that brightens everyones outlook, so glad to be reading you again I have missed your Heart. xx

Love to you Dana and Than kyou for your support. I knew you would read between the lines :)

Karen said...

How wonderful for that family to feel that blessed relief, to feel free and safe. Those must be the moments that make your job worthwhile.

I live in the middle of nowhere and I know what you mean about being able to breathe. I often sit out the front and just take in all the wonders around me and I feel contentment course through my body. The lack of distractions brings great solace.

Jenny said...

This made me cry. Beautifully written.

awareness said...

Breadbox....over the course of the last couple of years, I have been involved in creating a network, linking gov't, university and community based individuals who work in the field of family violence. It has been so helpful because we all now feel very comfortable contacting one another for information, referrals, crisis counselling options, housing options etc. As well, I taught a crisis counselling course last year at the university to frontline people working in the field....I loved the teaching....and left with a wider network of good people who are out there helping. And yet.....we still find folks who slip under the radar.....often because of the cyclical leave and return scenario. We need to help alleviate the shame and victim guilt that is still so prevalent....and to help these women (men too, but not many) find their voice and courage to seek help and then learn to stand on their own two feet.
yes, I think the whole gun craze in the States adds a level of violence we don't see as much of. However, the amount of marital sexual abuse and deep emotional abuse is unbelievable.

some of my thoughts as I read yours

jsdaughter...I'm glad to read this...that was my intention...i tried to add enough description to offer a glimpse.

Deb...and as you know....it starts with the big deep breaths....and then the other stuff will come along. So much other stuff though!

paul...thank you......am reading Philip Yancey's book on Prayer which I am loving....what I'm taking from it so far (and perhaps it's just where my own head is at right now) is the need for true stillness in order to feel the interplay one strives for in prayer. I believe the middle of nowhere offers us this venue... it's scary though isn't it?

shaz....I am so pleased to see you're feeling well enough to be out crusing blogland....take care and thank you for your kind words.

gypsy....you hit the nail on the head. it is the pinnacle of what makes my job worthwhile. I am heading out to the middle of nowhere next weekend....and always feel what you described when I arrive there.

Anon boxer....thank you. I was pretty veklempt after I left there and headed back into town too. :)