Tuesday, May 24, 2011

and the world will be a better place............

 sisters and cousins. 

I need you.

Three simple words that pack a punch. You hear it in the cry of a newborn. You feel it when you tiptoe into your sleeping child's room late at night and take in the air of innocence. You see it in the pleaing eyes of your dog. You hear it in the words, I love you.

It's the underlying message behind a recognized job well done, or in a comment like......."we couldn't have done it without you." It hides behind a thank you, a bless you, an "I'm so glad to see you."

When you are given a task because someone knows you're good at it.
When you are hugged by a thankful friend after helping them move.
When you receive an email which reads......."you don't know how much it means to me....."

You are needed.

We may not even be cognizant of striving for those moments of validation. We may think that our actions are performed because we just want to, or we feel obligated, or because it's the right thing to do. But you know what? We do them because we have a desire to feel like we are needed.

What happens if no one needs us? What if we NEVER feel needed, or that all of our needs are met by others due to the circumstances we find ourselves in our lives, and there is never a chance to reciprocate? Why are those words so powerful? Why do we long to hear them? 

Because deep down, we all have a need to be needed. Perhaps hearing these words and feeling validated is provides us with the impetus for living. Perhaps knowing we are needed by others keeps our hope alive, especially when the whole world around us seems so dauntingly depressing. If I know I'm needed, I want to get up in the morning again and again.............I want to partake in the life of my community. 

I have a REASON to be.

In his book, "Man is Not Alone," Abraham Heschel elaborates on this idea. He proposes that there are many things in life that human beings need in order to survive. And yet, planet earth would carry on because it doesnt need us.
"Who is in need of man? Nature? Do the mountains stand in need of our poems? Would the stars fade away if astronomy ceased to exist? The earth can get along without the aid of the human species. Nature is replete with the opportunity to satisfy all our needs except one -- the need of being needed." 

WE need to be needed. It's what gives our life meaning. It doesn't matter if you are the poorest person or the richest person in the whole world. It doesn't matter if you are healthy and independent or living in chronic pain, dependent on others for your care every single day of your life. It doesn't matter if you live in a palace surrounded by luxury, servants and someone who draws your bath, cooks your meals and chooses your wardrobe, or if you live on the street with no home to go to. It doesn't matter if you are you or I am me. WE all live to fulfill our desire to be needed.

It is how we can leave our footprints behind.

No amount of money can buy it. No amount of money can replace the feeling. It's a priceless gift to give and to receive.  It is by far our most important human being role.  

This year, I said it more times than ever in my life. It has been the most challenging year to overcome rejection.  So, I found myself asking for help.  A lot.  I need you.  Please help me.  For ideas, for companionship, for practical reasons, for friendship therapy.  To help me learn some of the basics of running this house that I didn't know how to do..........like taking a door off its hinges!   
Recently I sent out an email to a few people describing a few of my ideas/plans/goals asking for help.  I entitled it "Putting it out there..."  It was my attempt to put the first pieces of my thoughts into words.  To make it more real.  I sent it out to make it more real but more importantly, to ask for feedback, advice, support.  

I felt a bit naked doing it, but the response was incredible!  Not only was it thought provoking.  Not only did some of the feedback challenge my novice dreams, thereby fueling my vision.  Not only has it put me in a place where I know I have a bunch of folks who will take me to task by asking questions like..... "Hows it going with that dream of yours?"  Their individual responses have helped mend me by reinforcing that this dream of mine is doable.  If I do it right.  If I do my homework.  If I plan.  With their guidance.  

What a life affirming task it is to help one another...... Whether its giving or receiving, the feelings it provokes are broad and intense, which I believe falls under the umbrella of vulnerability.  Strip away all the ego feelings, and what is left is a healthy interdependence.  The ties that bind.  

Sometimes, the person you asked to help you just can't.  They don't have the energy.  Life may be in turmoil for them as well.  Or maybe they havent recognized that as humans we are both givers and takers.  Maybe by asking for their help, you may reveal their needs.  Is there anything more therapeutic than to help another? 

Do you need me?   Do we need one another?  I need you.
Our helping actions express the ultimate message .... I love you.  You matter.  I see you.  I need you too.  

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

the affect of power on peckers....

What's with the correlation between political power and the inability to keep one's pecker in one's pants?  

Two very public stories have emerged this week which has foisted this age old question front and center in my thinking.   Dominque Strauss-Kahn..... not a name I had ever heard of until the news broke on Sunday that this man who runs the IMF, who had serious aspirations to run for President of France, was unceremoniously wrenched out of his first class seat and charged with rape. 

Turns out this man with a prestigious CV has succumbed to his salacious urges in the past too and almost got away with it.  Now, the stories are erupting as we learn that he's on suicide watch in New York jail.  No bail for him.  Too high risk to hide out in villa on the Mediterranean out of reach from the judicial system.  

I heard today that if he had been in NYC on formal business, he would've had diplomatic immunity.  Oh grand!  How sick is that?  If someone has a position that falls under the umbrella of diplomatic immunity, they can sexually assault any chambermaid of their choice and get away with it.  Doesn't it make you wonder how often this crime takes place and we never hear about it?  What a bloody sham!

And what about Arnold??? Herr Terminator Sperminator Governor??  He fathered a child with a staff person (another power person over a subordinate) 10 years ago and managed to keep it hushed up even from his wife, media, family?  Wow.  Their marriage for many years was a big blowing lie.  It makes me queezy thinking about it and my heart goes out to Maria Schriver and their 4 children.  Infidelity is a wicked kick in the gut.  For her to be living under the same roof with the staff person Arnold was boinking and making babies with is unbelievably cruel.

Henry Kissinger famously stated that "power is the ultimate aphrodisiac."  And it can impact both parties in a sexually.  Power ramps it up for both.... the one with power and the one who is lured into a tryst because of the aroma of power.  Whether its boardroom hijinks or a full court press, it doesn't seem to matter.  Politicians, business folks, athletes, entertainers, actors.......... horizontal rumbling is the preferred extra curricular activity.  Without a second thought to the consequences.  Without a blink or a wink to the people who are left in the ditches of despair and shock.

It makes me wonder........... where and when is the tipping point?  I mean, there has to be a transitional point when someone in power retains a sense of decorum and humility.  Gratitude too.  Even a belief that they are no better than anyone else.  Then, all of a sudden a line is crossed.  All values slide off their skin and what is left is a hungry drive to release their pheromes and slippery semen into the world.  

Why?  Because its risky and they want to experience that heightened feeling of doing something against the rules?  Because they feel like they would never get caught, so why not?  Because they are so numb by the pressure they are under, or the lack of attention they may feel from their spouse?  I'm sure there are a million of reasons....... or should I claim them as excuses?  Cause that's what they are.  No apologies can lift the victim up out of the dredges of this reality. 

Power and control are needs we all try to attain, hopefully not to the detriment of others.  To have some healthy empowerment in our lives allows us to feel a sense of balance and confidence, which in turn feeds our sense of who we ar and how we may fit in this world.  In any given relationship, however, if the power tips for whatever reason, there is an imbalance where one person has more control than the other.  From there, feelings are hurt, mixed and misunderstood.  From there, one person in the relationship tries to pull away while the other tries too hard to make it work.  This kind of scenario is ripe for disaster..... ripe for an affair.  It happens regularly, without hesitation. 

I have no empathy for the parties who flagrantly do this to others and then expect the people all around them to forgive and forget.  Count on the forgiveness eventually.  Forgetting?  Doubt it!

I don't believe these activities will ever be eradicated.  Once someone crosses the line, drops all of their belief system because the urge to "drop trou " has turned into a blinding light that attracts them like moths to a back door light, they are long gone.  Flooded with such feelings, there is very little space left for rational thinking. 

Personally, I want none of it.  I don't want to be in a relationship that hovers around the disrespect of another while maintaining some strange control thing. I've seen it, experienced it and I respect myself too much for this foolishness.  I don't want to be in a relationship where some man has to prove their manliness by adding notches to their belt and then TELL you about it.  And I certainly have no respect for the people in power who can't keep their peckers in their pants.  

So, to all those men who are in power or who think they are, here's a little poem for you........
Don't shower me with platitudes or talk in silly rhymes
Don't offer me bouquets if they're meant to hide your crimes
Don't share with me your dreams if they're ones you do not own.
Only open-hearted sincerity is welcome in this home.

Don't gaze into my eyes without a breath of care
Don't throw missing kisses up into the air
Don't ask me questions if answers won't be received
I'll not tolerate your reeking actions of deceit.

If you can't abide by the very basic pure rules of conduct that include respect, loyalty, open communication, fairness and LOVE, I don't want a part of it that thank you very much.  You don't deserve me and I certainly don't deserve that kind of treatment.  NO ONE does.

Monday, May 16, 2011

the pall over the river.....

Every day at dusk, hundreds of blackbirds swoop by my house.  They come in clusters, leisurely air sailing through swirling winds, catching up and down drafts with pleasurable ease.   No matter what the weather, no matter what the season, these habitual birds travel the same route.  

I don't know where they spend their day..... somewhere "upriver"  from where I live.  But just before darkness falls, they seem to breeze in through the landscape canvas sky and fliterflap on past me.  On days like this, when the soggy skies are gloomy grey, their blackness seems to hauntingly push through the thick clouds.  

At first they appear like bug specks on the horizon.  Then, they loom larger and larger until they are almost close enough to touch from my livingroom, which is eye level to their flight path.  When I happen to be in this room at the right time, I stand and watch them in awe.  

Tonight, it was a different feeling.  Their presence spoke a message of distress because they arrived just after the large yellow search and rescue helicopter ominously scoured the swollen river after a boat filled with 5 people capsized.  When my daughter and I first heard the loud propellered beast slowly making its way past our house, we knew deep down inside it wasn't a good sign.  Still, we hoped it was a training exercise from CFB Gagetown.   But, it continued to repeat the same pattern over and over again....... this slow motion combing of the shorelines and spring flooded islands.  

Until the birds arrived.

At dusk, the loud yellow helicopter made its last turn around to return to the landing pad.  Quiet wonder echoed danger.  Then the birds swarmed in, marking the transition from day to night. Their flight path continues to be solidly ingrained in their wingspan.  With flipflapping ease, they caught the draughts of the chilly winds and seemed to mock the tragedy still unfolding.  Misty fog gripped the newly green branches and fields like unsettled spirits as the blackbirds circled once and flew off to their nighttime landing location.  Yellow streetlights on the other side of the river, blurred by the rain and fog left their streaks on the surface of the rushing water.  

There is little information on this accident.  It has all happened since late afternoon when this group was travelling along the shoreline collecting fiddleheads.  To be sold at the market this weekend?  Along the roadside?   What I've read? 4 people were rescued.  One died on the way to the hospital.  The fifth remains lost to the river tonight.  

A bell tolls in my heart as I think about the people whose lives have been tragically shaken by grief and loss by this split second accident.  

Sunday, May 15, 2011

seeking love........

Muffled by moonless drapes, her energy palpitates in snuffled beats like a foghorn lost in shipwreck history.   A darkening swath of uncertainty suffocates illusions.... normally a reliable escape from the phantoms of rejection. The resin of bare truth lays at her feet.  Its lingers.  Remnants of old sex. 

The jingling of her keys break the silence of her homecoming.  As she places it inside the lock and turns her wrist, she hears the one click echo of her empty apartment.  The door opens to darkness.  She kicks off her shoes relieving her pinched feet that once delighted in wearing dainty shoes and takes in a stumbling breath of disappointment.  Then, she listens..........

Brooding spirits whine through eaves soaked by the unrelenting rain and swarm the lingering damp air.  One lit candle projects their stretched out shadows   Solitude, sprinkled with doubt turns into a melancholic aria. It's sound is all too familiar.  Refreshed hunger grumbles.  Tonight, the haunting violin plays inside a teardrop. Its sweet innocence is lost in the reality that despite her best efforts, she has returned home alone again from her night out at the dance hall with the girls.


ps.  Inspired by an hour spent at a local bar last fall that was filled with lonely hearts and hopeful middle aged dreams.  It was an eye opening experience.... one that filled me with the memories of the "stories" I could feel emanating from the people all around me.   That night, I got home and wrote 20 pages in my journal..... created vignettes from my imagination and gut reaction to what I had observed and felt.

Friday, May 13, 2011

love is a direction...

Soft shoe meandering tonight after a week swarmed by the buzzing energy of meaningful connections.  Beautiful, heartwarming, across the waters, fingertip lightening connections.  Front and centre, within my reach, embracing arms connections.  Over the phone, face to face, smiling eye recognition.  

Affirmation from voices, from looks, from shared stories..... texting flirts.  Texting facts.  Texting observations, feelings..... Humans expressing stress.  Fear. Delight. Gratitude.  Humans responding to my request for help with open arms, with encouragement.  Humility.  Me responding to someone else's needs.  Gratitude and humility.  

We help each other.  Its the best we can offer.  Love directing.

I held a newborn this week.  Cuddly little sleepyhead in caterpillar purple.  Sigh.  Time stopped as I inhaled the sweetness of her tiny being. 

Hips groove to a reflective tempo tonight.  Jazzed up salsa with feathery drum touches filters through the airwaves to surround me in upbeat momentum.  Not like a rave.  More like a spirit that moves its limbs like the body suit of a cat awakening.  High notes bleeding into the nostalgic earth.  It makes me feel grounded.  Barefoot on cool pine floors.....

I watched my children cocooned in their deep sleep..... burrowed under favourite covers.  Dreaming their own colours.  Their own beat.  Completely safe.  Utterly relaxed.  Sigh.  

I love late night radio..........  with its static touches from far off sounds beyond the woods.  Down a well travelled road.  Along the winding river darkened by a starless sky.  Settled under streetlamps moistened by raindrops.  Never ending raindrops....  It brings music that shares its own stories from a musician's zone flow.  I can picture them completely immersed in creating emotion from their strings..... making them laugh, cry, whine....... the human and the instrument blending together emerging from a studio....... from one microphone outward to reach my ears.  Absorbing it......

I listened to young love conflictions.  New complications.  Big flooding feelings and what to do about them.  His own Mom was away.  On the week he REALLY wanted her guidance.  I replaced his Mom for a short time.  He needed to tell me how happy he is to be with the girl of his dreams........ but what to do about the best friend who likes her too?  What to do?  I listened.  I asked......... tell me what you think you should do.  What do you think you're Mom would say?  He smiled......... and thought and remembered other coversations with his gentle soul Mom.  "Do what is right...."  she would've said........ Then, he knew how he would handle the conflictions.........

"Do you know what is right to do?"   It all depends.  On the complications  and the situation .......  

I'm tired.  Good tired.  Deep rooted gladness fatigue right down into the tips of my soaken soul.  

It wasn't all gladness.  This week.  No.  Sometimes it felt like I was pushing heavy air up a hill.  Sometimes, it felt like I was going to burst out of a tear bubble and land flat on my sorry ass.  Sometimes, all I could do was put one foot in front of the other.  Sometimes, I allowed someone to play hopscotch on my heart.  No soft shoe hopscotch. Heavy shoes.  It hurt.  It was confusing.......  It triggered my feelings of rejection to a point where I thought I'd be swallowed up again. 

Then, something would happen to turn the rain clouds upside down.  

Like a reunion with someone I can shed inhibitions.... let go of the roles, the masks........ escape for a while.  

Like meeting a new friend who burst into my life like a rainbow of blending personalities.  We only talked for a short while, as we shook our heads wondering how the heck we had never met before.  So much in common.  

Like watching my friend cross the finish line after running her very first 1/2 marathon on sore sore feet and a wonky muscle in her back.  She bested her time by a whomping amount.  How bursting proud I was of her overcoming so many personal and winter weather obstacles to be able to run with her head held high and all of us watching her achieve this goal.  She's now soaking her feet in Rome on a trip with her Mom.  The first time they've ever been able to get away together just the two of them. 

Like seeing the pre-midterm nervousness zip through my daughter's whole body only to see her hours later relieved that all of her hard work paid off.  Her smile melts my heart.  Her hugs melt me too.  A month from now, she'll be graduation from high school and heading off to camp for the summer.  Bittersweet life forging ahead.....

Like seeing my son........ with the crackling voice galoomp into the kitchen with new long legs raring to share a few funny stories from his day............... head in the cupboards looking for crackers!  His delight peaked too when he found out that the trip to Toronto next week is now on the agenda.   My 13 year old off on an independent adventure.  Am I ready?  He is.  I am. Maybe.

Like accomplishing the practical things around here.   Painting my bathroom, even hanging up the heavy mirror on my own without breaking it!  A guy named Shirley fixed my lawn mower and gave me shit for not properly storing it for the long winter!  Ooops!  Thanks Shirley.  Next week, a big hearted man named Edgar will fix my front steps.  It's all happening........... so often this spring I've been overwhelmed by these practical things.  Now, I see progress......... Upside down clouds! 

Like having a friend lending me her black heels to wear to a fancy dress ballet gala at the last minute so I didn't look like a flat footed underdressed fool beside my man in his tuxedo.  She is always one phone call away.  Just up the hill.  My angel.  

The music is becoming more ethereal, more experimental as the night lingers on.......... as my thoughts and feelings float down into my soft shoes......

And I remember that today, a stranger man my age called me Kiddo! He said......... " you helped out a lot Kiddo...."  after I tried to lighten up his anxious moment of having all of his groceries come tumbling out of the back of his SUV by informing him that he had just been struck by the luck of Friday the 13th!  

Kiddo!  I patted him on his sleeve and wished him a good rest of the day!  Our eyes met.  We smiled.  Then drove off in our own direction.  

Did you know that love is a direction?  Did you know that you can choose that direction?  You just have to put it out there.  

This week, I took a risk or two.  I put it out there.  And what came back?  Well, you guess.  It was beautiful.  So marvellous that I stand here tonight in my soft shoes smiling a sense of gladness and fatigue, looking forward to crawling under my own favourite covers and letting the dreams find this young little Kiddo. 

Thank you to everyone who made my week so fulfilling, challenging, loving, encouraging and important to me and for allowing me to truly begin to put my once quiet thoughts and plans "out there....."  I have miles to go before I sleep. Tonight though, I take a break ......... and soft shoe my little tushie to bed. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

matters of the heart

"Dance like nobody's watching; 
Love like you've never been hurt. 
Sing like nobody's listening; 
Live like it's heaven on earth."  
Mark Twain

Boy, you see that quote plastered all over the place.....

I've got no problem doin' a foolish jig. Dance, dance wherever you may be!    Singing?  Sure!  If a tune hits me, I'm there belting it out off key without hesitation much to the embarrassment of my lovely offspring.  "Living like its heaven on earth?" Well, I don't know exactly what that means, but I kind of envision it as having to do with enlightened timelessness. Or maybe Twain meant that we should don angel wings, and look after one another.  Whatever he truly meant by the line, its safe to say its all about goodness.   But, holy heartbreak Batman! "Love like you've never been hurt?"  Well, that one is a doozy!   Love hurts! 

Sometime over the past couple of months, I asked my therapist if I will ever learn to trust a love interest again.  "Will it return?"  I asked.......   She assured me that my ability to trust will return, but will look and feel different than it used to.  Trust will evolve as I regain my confidence in my intuitiveness.  Given that intuition is an ingredient used every single day in my line of work - it is the grease that lubricates the counselling tools, for the most part I have regained it. I think.  Well, maybe not in the love department.  I've got a long way to go there.  But in the work department, I feel like I've got a handle on trusting my instincts.  Sort of.  :)

Hmmmmmm.......... I do have a tendancy of sliding into the realm of uncertainty and second guessing how I'm assessing a situation.  I seem to jump quickly out of certainty and into the fire of doubt. But maybe that's a better way of being.  It ain't efficient and it causes stomach pangs, but it forces me to look at situations from more angles than I once used to. 

I guess you could say, I've lost the innocent naivete of my trusting-ness and am in the process of discovering a more reflective process of contemplation.  Something happens between myself and another that puts me in a place where I am distrust-full ....... a boomerang trigger effect happens which forces me to face the deeper questions as to why I am feeling uneasy.  In an attempt to stop the hurt feelings, a protective shield goes up along with a rush of blood pulsing feeling (kind of like a body blush) and badaboom, I'm alert, awake and wondering........... should I trust this person? 

Here's the thing........ the OTHER person is asking themselves the same questions!  This is the impacting of learning to love another at this point in our lives........ Two people grappling with trust, love, and their own tender wounds from being "de-loved" by another.   It's a dance with new steps!  Theirs.  Yours.  Ours.  Separate.  Together.  

Love does hurt.  But, if one can open up to trust again, even if it is an animal of a different colour, LOVE can also feel so amazingly life affirming.  Even more intensively than it once did!  

So, here's my theory.  Crack open those heart feelings. You can't take them with you when you leave this planet so you might as well use them ALL up!!!! Let them go deeper into the soul.  Let them seep out beyond the borders of what we once accepted as our palette of feelings we allowed ourselves to feel.  Let go of the old trusting ways.  They didn't work well enough. 

NOW walk towards a different shade of trust that may not be recognizable yet. Open your eyes, your mind, your heart, your arms............ be aware it may hurt.  BUT, be aware it may Love you right back. Or it may not.  It's all about living in that place where certainty is always uncertain!  There are no certainties in LOVE! 

You can always take a step back.  You can always protect yourself if your gut tells you to stop.  We have that ability.  God's gift to us is knowing there is spiritual support all around us.  Supported with LOVE.  Not protection!  In order to live out loud......to live like this is heaven on earth?  Our faith encourages us to find our dancing feet, our singing voices, and our loving hearts.  His love offers us the confidence to BE someone who feels love all around!

It may hurt.  It may heal.  But it will always enhance the feeling of being wide open alive! 

To quote Michael Franti.............."It seems like everywhere I go, the more I see the less I know.  But one thing I know, I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you...........  

ps.  My second attempt to capture a few thoughts on a topic that seems to be seeping into my life and  the lives of my loving friends all around me who are making tentative steps into a new world of relationships....... 
Light filtering into a small Welsh church,
Cardigan NB.  May 2011

Sunday, May 08, 2011

petals.... he loves me, he loves me not...

I don't know whether its writer's block I'm struggling with, or just a head full of unfinished thoughts.  It seems as though I begin a piece, all wired up, focused on a topic, an opinion but before I know it, my concentration bends to the left, and my inspiration evaporates.  Partly its because I'm overwhelmed with the daily tasks as well as the bigger ones that need tending around here, but even they aren't getting fully completed.  I'm wandering.   Lally-gagging.  Ambling.  Free floating with no consistent anchor. 

I don't know what it all means........... why I'm so unmotivated to stay on task and I sure hope this lull in creative pursuits lifts soon.  I find it very disconcerting that I can't simply push through the foggy bends to a place where the energy meets up with the desire to write with the drive I once had in spades.  Usually winter and spring is a prolific time for me.  Not this year.  Lingering thoughts drift and weave, duck and bob constantly.  Then, of course there is the feeling of frustration when I havent been able to capture their essences in the heat of the fresh moment. They get all garbled up together and I'm tentative about where to begin.....  

How about here............ it's a good place as any to start............. again............

I have been thinking about love a lot.  Middle Age love.  Its very different as it has its own unique set of challenges.  I've come to the conclusion that love at this point in life is learning how to accept your own weirdness..... your own quirks and way of being, which in itself is a tremendously difficult thing to do especially if you've experienced rejection.  Here you are carrying a crap load of life trinkets stuffed in a duffle bag labelled "baggage,"  meeting others who have their own duffel bags crammed with their lively and lovely remnants of personal paraphenalia.   All the while, you are trying to sort out your own.....tossing, reflecting, sharing, discovering (cause not all of it is recognizable.... it just snuck into the bag along the way without you looking).  Then along comes a prospective amour on a similar journey but a different kettle of fish to contend with.   It can be a bit daunting.   Like traipsing through a minefield of hotshots of unresolved emotions.   

No two pieces of baggage look the same.  Sure, they may have similar contents, but there's enough variety that its almost impossible to find an apparent match.  It's all very weird.  

It IS all very weird but absolutely fascinating.  Like a personal sociological excavation! A far cry from the wide eye innocent in search of the one and only to fulfill everything imaginable....... the two becoming one idea that is so prevalent during the early dating years in one's life.  No, that very thought had the stuffing knocked out of it! This new territory of dirty dancing between two people who have wobbly and jiggly bits, a few more wrinkles they care to admit to, crows feet and skin blotches, moles that seem to have erupted during a random night attack on the body...........???  Well, lets say its a more humbling adventure.  It also has way more opportunities for stumbling upon hilarity, and laugh out loud absurdist moments that can leave you with a couple of great stories, and foot injuries.  THEY are from making the attempts at dancing with the partner only to find out that you are both inclined to lead! 

The heartbreak is the same.  The feelings which are more seasoned than they were during youth consequently drill down deeper into the soul of a Middle Aged seeker.  The intensity of a love connection is rapid and full of quick assessments, and sometimes wonky decisions.  More often than not based on timing, and the amount of time one wants to put stock into the relationship, it may be fleeting.  If there is any doubt........ the waves roll into what may be a perfectly wonderful pairing and wash out the dreaminess of love.  One tide roll in and out and time to move on.  I think it has to do with realizing that at this point in life, who wants to waste time lingering in something that may have too many flaws.....  or that the personal baggage simply doesn't match well enough.  God knows one is never going to find a matching pair of luggage at this point, but there has to be some complimentary shades and flaws or it wont work. 

It's a dauntingly frightening place to be.......... dating at this age.  But, bloody fun too!  There is nothing more life enhancing than to feel the heat of a mutual attraction all over again, which sensitively affirms your own beauty and the positives of your personality.  Sometimes those really important components of who you are get lost in the sludge of the end of a marriage or a long standing relationship.  To know you are the light in someone else's eye twinkle and to feel theirs in your own eye twinkle makes the heaviness of life's challenges lift!

The key is to be in the game.  To get in the game.  There is no sense in wallowing for too long, or just dipping your toe into the whole world of kindled love.   It's way more fun to regenerate that sense of play in you.  That's how I see it.  Plus, as a writer, who may not have writer's block in the real sense......... maybe I just need to pursue some wandering, lingering and lally-gagging a bit, the stories of returning to the dating world are for the most part weirder than fiction would ever be...... What an eye opening mostly hilarious adventure!

What I've learned......... 
A kiss is still a kiss and still toe tingling amazing
A sigh from the lips of another is enchanting.
A sigh from the lips of me is newfound joy. 
Love still hurts.
Love still makes the heart thump
Love makes you do the craziest things, say the most ridiculous things, think the most wackiest self doubting thoughts.....
Love tenderizes an already tender footed being.

It has been a year of accumulating more stories.......... perhaps some of them will be the ones that will eventually seep out of my heart to be shared with readers.  You just never know.......