Saturday, April 28, 2012

the times they are a changin'

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Bob Dylan......

I keep waiting for the words to fly like they used to.  But every time I think I've got a handle on it, the times they are a changin'.....  It's like an amusement ride stuck on GO.  The story I want to write, I continue to live it.  Everytime I think I've got a conclusion to the present moment story, a new angle appears. 

Tonight, the feeling is different.  Though I've lost my wordsmith polish, I don't want that to deter me any longer.  Or the sense of readiness to share.  Writing is therapy.  It once felt like breathing to me, but somewhere along the line, the integration between life inside and out evaporated.  I lose focus so quickly.......... it's time to push through that and let whatever it is inside me to come out onto a blank canvas.......

I am well.  Thank you, thank you for all of your good wishes and thoughts.  I am well.  I felt your presence throughout.  I really did. 

Though life seems to want to push me closer to the edge of insanity, my faith and the people in my life continue to wrap their arms around me.  I am living my story I guess and I can't seem to put it down in any form of logic or fantasy.  It's the only reasonable rationale I have.   

Physically, I am healed.  All the test have come back with no surprises.  Emotionally, I am healing.  As much as I want this to be at the same place I am physically, it is lagging behind.  Too many other incidents keep rocking my world.  But, I truly believe time will resolve some of them.  Goodness prevails.  If you dare to be open to dealing with the wounds, goodness prevails. 

The experiences I have encountered through the mirage of the health care system, the vignettes stored in my brain for future sharing, the lessons I've been blasted with, the crappy TV shows I've become addicted to, The Re-emergence post radiation and burns, post two breast surgeries and THEN post appendix surgery........( YES I had my appendix out too!!!  First day back to work and by morning coffee break, I'm feeling the pain in my gut!!!)  the special times with so many special people who drove me to and from radiation, who dropped off food, who stayed with me in my home overnight while I healed......... phenomenal.  I am blessed.  I am blessed.  The conversations have been enlightening, thought provoking, helpful........ I am overwhelmed by a litany of voices.  I can't settle enough to write.  I can't settle enough to read anything more than a few pages.  Frig, I can't settle enough to get the laundry done!  OK, it's done.  It's just not all folded yet!

I keep floating............. events keep happening............. I want it to stop at a place called peace where prayer and stillness settle into my bones.  But, for some unknown Godly reason, it is not meant to be.  

You know what I've learned?  Real strength generates from the soul.  Real strength emerges through the salty wounds of adversity.  It looks like the face of a vulnerable puppy caught in the rain.  A Beagle puppy.  But, it responds in a manner that can only be described as intrinsically God sent through the hearts of friends and family.  

I am well.  I am strong.  The times may be a changin'......... and that's alright with me.  

Stories to follow................