Saturday, December 09, 2006


Shame........a hollow empty pit where disgrace lives

by painful self-contempt
by the fear of humiliation

by the guilt of impulsivity

by thoughts acted out.

Shame........ugly remorse that devours goodness.

Hidden in the folds of the shadowed curtains.

Reflected in the eyes of esteem

Rinsed in bile.

Nothing makes me more distraught than feeling shameful.
It is lonelier than lonely.


JP (mom) said...

Painful words ... but a poignant and honest look at shame. Much peace, JP

urbanmonk said...

Tell me about it

awareness said...

John Bradshaw writes about two types of shame.....toxic which he believes is the feeling of spiritual bankruptcy, which can manifest itself in a number of guises......all leading to a feeling of disowning ourselves. "It is a deep cut felt primarily from the inside." It is fed by negative self-talk which perpetuates the personal belief that you aren't worthy.
It is the most painfully felt by far, which is why I think some decide to begin their journey to forgiveness and understanding under the eyes of God.
Healthy shame according to Bradshaw motivates growth and learning, but also informs us that we will never know everything.....that life is a journey of learning that never ends., goodness, truth, beauty, giving and caring...the essence of transcendence is the ultimate path.... easier when one only experiences bouts of healthy shame, much more difficult when starting at a point where the negative self talk toxic shame has drummed into one's head the mantra "I'm not worthy." This is turn manifests itself in one's personal belief system.

It can be a motivator or a debilitator....

To know and to believe in a Higher Power who unconditionally forgives, who accepts the disenfranchised, who allows for redemption even if you're in the the most motivating aspect of my search for believing in Him.

We are all our own worst enemies. No one can be harder on ourselves that ourselves......don't you think? To step out of that self-flagellating behaviour, to forgive ourselves because we are just humans trying to do the very best.....happens so much more effectively if one believes that there is a God who shines a light of mercy.

Ooooooooo......late night ramblings from a crazy scotish/irish lady.

It is painful......but it can be a motivator.........who the hell wants to feel the electricity of shame that reverberates in one's belly for long periods of time.

awareness said...

Monk. I hope you don't think I took you literally. I didn't mean it that way.

IT was John Bradshaw's book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, thta I revisited this week which spurred my desire to try to capture the deep sickly feelings shame can bring on. It seemed appropos for me to re-understand the deep feelings in order to relearn the importance of being more silent and not turning my thoughts into words and actions........

Thoughts are often best kept to onself....... it is when I open myself up too much......share too much that I tend to overwhelm myself and others.

urbanmonk said...

no I didnt think that..

Funnily enough, i have that book on my book shelf

Hope said...

Bradshaw's book has helped me sort through shame and recognize it when I feel it or when someone tries to shame me.

awareness said...

Hi Hope.

I had been a while since I had read it. It was a good refresher both for me personally and for the work I do with individuals. Today actually, I spent time with a young man who struggle in school trying to hide his learning disability from the world. When I pointed out the feeling of shame....
he was wide eyed in agreement.....

interesting sometimes how we read what we need to share and don't even know it.......a wink from the cosmos........??