embers from advent.........

It feels likes it been quite a long time since I purposefully closed the curtains on the outside world and opened the  inside windows to have a look. Ahhhhhhhh!  It seems like the only time I manage to do so is when I'm spent.... saturated with stories, pressures, overwired with connections.  

I yearn for it.  

I think about it. 

Even try to plan for it, 

but my own life churning keeps it at bay....... keeps the curtains open. 

Intentionally I avoid it until I'm at the emotional razor's edge when the sense of claustrophic lack of oxygen hovers.  

Fear.  Fear of the unknown.

Fear of it being too emotionally naked.

Vulnerable.

I know better.   I need it more often.  Yes, this morbidly open mouthed extrovert needs more quiet time than ever before.  Not just when I'm stretched out relaxing in the bathtub.  I've learned the medicinal elixirs stirring in silent mediation. It lessens the weight. It opens the pores to light.  Beautiful light.

Tonight, as I sit cuddled up in a chair which is pulled up to the fireplace,

clusters of candlelight flicker dance 

above and below,

sending blended scents of ordinary aromas.....

lingering memories I breathe in with no effort.

vanilla, lemongrass, 

clementine blossoms, iced pine,

crisp linen, seashore heather,

cranberry sweetness.

I watch the fire flicker into embers.

Draw nearer

Draw nearer

In the glowing.

Sweet whistles of captured summer rains

sizzle like birdsong

Flames waffle with the sound reminiscent of flapping sheets on the clothesline

air fillap

air fillap

air fillap

spark crackle embers tango with maple yule

send searing heat rays

kissing my barefeet cold from winter floorboards.

compressing my cheeks like the warmth from my grandmothers hands.

I close my eyes......

music filters all around me

choirs of soprano faith hit high echo notes

gently bouncing off cupolas of old cathedrals

voice instruments that soothe ancient shadows

madrigal hymns that massage tired souls

encircling my space like angel goodness

to help persuade dark thoughts to take flight.

for sorrow to latch onto white waves

capping constant rolling currents that flow past.....

thoughts float in through the open windows

and settle into my awareness

gaps, once clogged in chatter welcome the thoughts

old questions, retooled doubts,

mysteries laden with burdensome timber

accompany the thoughts, transforming them into feelings.

harsh feelings of hurt and broken promises.

I ask why.

I ask why..... again......

Why?

My stomach begins to churn again.

Restless phantoms threaten to dissolve stillness into sorrow.

I breathe in scented reassurance.... 

I breathe out relief 

I breathe in sensory enhancing trembles.

I breathe out relief mixed with grins.

Grief work

Letting realities settle.

Choirsong gently softens the edges 

turning sorrows and hurt into ashes and embers

that fall below the flames 

Sounds like flapping sheets in the wind

sweet whistles of captured summer rain

I realize stillness can only visit if one welcomes sorrow beforehand.

gloria..........

gloria.........

draw nearer

draw nearer

hallelujah

in the glowing.....

layers of forgiveness feed the fire

hallelujah

let it go

let it go

soprano faith spills into my sanctuary

bouncing off cupolas of ancient cathedrals

echoing assurance that in life we are never alone.

'tis the season when change is the most trying

when naughty newness is frowned upon

when miracles are dismissed as lies

when judgement wags the know it all finger

when transitions leave stretch marks on swollen bellies 

ready to burst under the discomfort....

Embers slowly accumulate under the dying fire

by the melted candlewax......... 

A star begins to shine brightly on forgiveness

on peace, love, acceptance and hope

Joyful hope

as we prepare for receiving the gift of birth. 

Comfort and Joy.

Comfort and Joy.....

while the choir of ancient angels harmonize hearts and souls........

Christmas is nearly here.....

 _________________________

Dear God,

Thank you for helping me open my heart to the spirit of the season.

By........

Letting me breathe in the stark realities without falling apart

Showing  me how to breathe out empathy, peacefulness and forgiveness

Please keep reminding me that the least deserving, the ones who have cause pain, who have shown no remorse in their selfish actions are the ones in my life who need to be loved the most.

Thank you God for this season of Advent and for helping me to embrace its meaning 

so as to let go of what may never have meaning.

As the embers cool from close-up fires, I am learning to let go.

I am learning.......

a night of good energy.....

Sometimes, just sometimes you stumble across a beautiful soul you can relate to that you'd like to spend a few more moments with.  May there be a shooting star beyond the late night  clouds to catch my wish as it propels into the galaxy.  May the energy shared linger on into another day.  

Prayer for the Times..

I was asked to write and to lead the congregation in "Prayer for the Times" today at St. Paul's United Church.  It is part of the weekly service.  My dear friend Andrea organized the whole service and delivered the sermon.  She did a beautiful job.  I'm so proud of her.....  she has been my angel this spring. 

The feeling of standing up at the front of the church was humbling and empowering at the same time.  I could hear my own voice and it felt strong.  Strong.  I think my voice is back.  It has a different timbre to it.... perhaps its all that whiskey i've been consuming?  Kidding!   

It was a very special moment and I'm grateful to have been asked to play a role.

Here is my prayer.... the words and thoughts are a culmination of what I have been thinking and writing about recently.   I'm posting it for my loving friend Rick.  When I got home from church, there was a message that his Mom had passed away last night.  Rick and Sheila?  I love you both...... and wish I could be there to help you with ALL that you are feeling.   And know we are just a finger tip touch away from one another.  xx

_______________________________________

Let us take a moment to be still together and take in a collective deep breath............

Hello dear God.

As we stand here before You with refreshed breath of Your Spirit, we give our heartfelt thanks for the gifts you provide every single day... those simple extraordinary offerings we sometimes miss in the flurry busyness of our lives.  Today, we stand in stillness reflecting upon our own lessons knowing that, like renewal, growth is conceived in the heart of discontent, fed by the inner light of silent conversations with you God, until it breaks through the clay of our blended souls.  

We share the same feelings, and many of us share the same happiness and heartbreak.  This is what blends our souls in a spiritual sense of oneness.  We all know the feeling of hungry hope.  You have provided us with this gift, God.  Hope, you have taught us, is a companion of a broken spirit.  It is the oxygen in the breeze that caresses our restless sufferings with tenderness.  Hope reminds renewal to be patient with its re-emerging and to know that most of our personal growth will be invisible to the outward glance, but colourfully recognizable when we gaze inwardly to speak to You. 

Through suffering God, we are learning to surrender.  Through surrendering, we are learning how connected we are to a greater Realm. And it is through our connection with you and with one another, we begin to feel loved in a much different way than perhaps we have ever felt before. 

Forgive us dear God, for we are often slow to catch on because we tend to veer out into the wild and lose our way busy trying to deal with the events life throws at us.  Please help us remember that what may feel overwhelming shifts our gaze and offers us a glimpse of a field of diamonds off in the distance..... those tantalizing sparkling gems with winking twinkling c'mons that have the power to awaken our hunger for enlightenment, and to tickle our parched thirsts for a drop of understanding.

Please remind us God that renewal doesn't occur because of one event.  It may be the spark that ignites the change in direction, but it is not the conclusion.  Rather, it is the impetus set in the clay of our blended souls..... the foundation we rely on for support as we ride the waves of change, one wave at a time.

Please remind us God that renewal in all of its diamond splendour is simply our crooked journey signmarked by our recognition of love dressed in complicated life riddles.  Eventually it leads us to a place we can call home.  We must walk unprotected, barefooted..... pierced by the nettles and thorns of suffering that scracth and sting....... that leave pockmarked scars on our flesh.  

With your Guidance God, we will learn to walk aided and unaided........ to take risks while learning as much from our hurts as we do our triumphs, while reaching out to give while being open to receiving gifts we are offered.  By so doing, we learn that the clay of blended souls we walk upon?  We are a part of that clay.  We belong to a universe who shares the same feelings, who thrive and survive, who suffer and feel joy, who nurture and are nurtured by one another.

Renewal may be conceived inside the heart of discontent, but the light of its darkness seems to shed Your rays on our gardens, inside our homes, waiting to be discovered.  As pilgrims dear God, guide us when we are too surprised by the answers to those life riddles.  Teach us that this is where awareness resides.  This is where growth lives.  This is where we come together to feel peace.  

May we all walk in peace with you and with one another today.  The first day of summer is almost here.

Amen. 

Is this the truth??

 Like a silent serpent weaving itself into the corners of comfort,  the very presence of it shocks your delicate balance and makes you feel trapped in a place so heartless.  Rabbi Abraham Heschel, who marched with Martin Luther King in Selma and described the experience of standing up for human rights as "praying with his feet" also wrote, "the opposite of good isn't evil.  The opposite of good is indifference."  I truly believe this.  Goodness inside out is indifference.

Listen to people's stories of their struggles trying to seek help within a system driven society........ think about the times when you were trying to seek direction or clarity only to be head butted by recorded messages and dead ends.  The resulting feeling is smothered by the choke hold judgement of indifference.  It's like your "be-ingness" is stripped from your flesh.

The message?

You don't matter.

You're insignificant.

You're not equal.  

You're an inconsequential unbeing.

We live within systems and layers of heartless bureaucracies, some of us in cities where everyone minds their own business and rarely sticks their neck out for a human being they don't know personally. Fed by a feast of unresolved emotions which have gathered internally,  indifference breeds all around us.   When one projects the passive aggressiveness of indifference to another, it sends shivers into places you never felt them before and leaves you with a sense of invisibility and rawness.  It is feeling unloved.  The detachment is so cold and final.  Even when you know cerebrally it is simply a misfired coping mechanism.

It will take me a while to let go of the incessant question that rolls around in my head......... "How does one turn off loving another person with such finality?   Then, I forcefully ask myself.........."Is this the truth?  Is what I'm thinking really the truth?"  It centres me again.... allows me to catch my breath ..... takes the bite out of the serpent feelings which had silently warped my level headedness with their anxious poison.  Again, I ask myself........... "Is what I'm thinking REALLY the truth?"

And then, I hear a teenie tiny voice whispering an answer through the hollow echo of my question........  "no. what you are thinking isn't the truth.  The truth is a slippery creation of your own making.  Love evolves.  changes colours. hides awhile.  takes on different meanings.  love never leaves, but gets lost in the hurt of others misconceptions and slippery truths.  love fights off indifference because it becomes overpowered by the strength of compassion.  some people are afraid of love, afraid of the intensity and he complications of its imperfection." 

"True love is God's love,  the teenie tiny voice continues.  there's no such thing except God's love.  the other love is the human kind and is hasn't been perfected and never will.  know that happiness is available seven days a week.  know that love alights when you share its blooms with others. don't wait for it to return as you once knew it........ right now, it is cocooning so that it can transform into something beautiful." 

All of a sudden, the angle of my gaze alters.  And the serpent?  Well, I killed that beast.  Again.  You can kill the beasties too you know?  And when you do??? 

The human being becomes a being again. 

Respect unfurls in smiles and recognition.

Love comes out from under the covers.

And you remember that happiness is available 7 days a week...... 

That's the honest to God truth.  

Radiant blooming

My Emerald friend Pip, often posts 5 feeling words to describe that moment of  personal reflection, and always asks the human beings who read his blog for their own reflective offerings.  Over the years, since our paths crossed in way I can only describe as cosmically destined, I have used this little exercise to "touch base" with my own feelings.  I've also incorporated it into workshops I've delivered on Emotional Literacy.  It's a quick hit meaningful "person check" that more often than not allows you to get real rather than remain in the dark side of denial.  It has the capacity to take you below the surface of your skin.

If you don't know what emotional  motions you're dealing with......if you don't know how you're feeling or even how to describe them, you can't let go of how it impacts your thinking and physiology.  All of a sudden, you're acting in ways driven by an imbalance of head and heart. 

This morning, as I read Pip's blog, I stopped to take stock.  This time the "actions" came through before the feelings, recognizing where I am standing, and how stretched I am beyond my comfort zone.   If learning happens in a place of discomfort, well....... I'm sitting in the front row!

5  stretching actions in discomfort

reaching for relief

sitting in honesty

fighting off failure

meditating inwardly, mediating outwardly

nurturing others, nurtured by others.

the 5 feelings?

stronger more often now

delicately imbalanced not so often anymore

determined but doubtful sometimes

loved but hurting

recovering......

I'm so busy right now with many activities that truly take me out of my comfort zone but need my attention and focus when those two things seem quite depleted that I don't have much time to write.   But I  have many topics I want to explore.........half written and half thought out.   The political landscape at present in this province is heating up.  There are topics on a national and global level I would LOVE to have a chance to sink my editorial teeth into.  Issues generated from conversations, daily encounters, and simply living through this spring of change are piling up in my often feeling flooded brain of mine.   It sure would be nice if some big hearted soul (preferably handsome with a nice smile,  who knows how to fix things around a house) offered to be my guardian angel to grant me the freedom to write full time showed up on my front doorstep.  I'd like that.  :)

More than anything.........I  have stories, scripts, a few poems, and a novel all waiting in the wings, waiting to be shared.  I have many pieces sitting here waiting for my attention again.  Good stuff!  It will happen.  Yesssssirrrreeeee!

In the meantime............?   What I learned this morning while taking stock?  I am not in any way "stuck in the moment and I can't get out of it........."  I was stuck for a very long time, trying to fix, trying to avoid the issues of fixing and recognizing there was NO WAY to fix.  This awareness is where I also fully recognize the feeling of relief dwells.   It's kind of like a seed that has been planted in a bed of burrs and thorns, but has the potential to grow into a massively beautiful flower.  

Radiant blooming is possible.  It just takes a while when the landscape needs tending to as well.

Random bits.........

Hey Friends!  How have you been???  I've missed our beautiful instantaneous connections through this venue lately.   

I've been underground and under the covers this past week.......soaking up the Winter Olympics while nursing one strange head cold.  In between ravaging through two boxes of kleenex, and wondering who put the sand paper in my eye sockets, I've even been a wee bit productive.  Not on the blogosphere, but behind the scenes.......... inside the guts of my blog.  What a ride!

I've been going back through the Awareness archives, reading, reflecting, rewinding.... and choosing various pieces to rework.  Along the way, I also read the many many wonderful comments people have left..... the encouragement and feedback, the quotes and lyrics, and the heart stoked stories and the humourous admissions you've shared from your lives.  Thank you. :)

The whole process, which is still underway, has taken me a long time to finally tackle, but I guess had to wait until it felt right.  The fact that my muse had gone into hibernation, and that I've been feeling tapped out for a couple of months now, helped get me to that point.  However,  it took a full fledged nose running stop to confront that big old meaney called procrastination.  Rationalization just wasn't working anymore. 

So, I've begun.............collecting, sampling, clumping and dismissing.  Any posts I've written about politics or issues of the day, or any ranty pants stuff I've cast aside.  Instead, I'm focused on a few key themes.  From there, I am HOPING an idea of what to do with the pieces that make the cut will float from the nether regions.   As much as I'd like to know now, I also am feeling a sense of purpose while pacing the process.  It's teaching me patience; a lesson I work at daily.

More than anything, its been humbling.  Though I see how much my writing has strengthened, I also see how heavy handed some of it is. This can also be defined as crap and in need of serious reworking or just downright chucking.   However, it is what it is.  The writing served a purpose, an outlet, a therapeutic way of finding linearity in the mindfield of living out loud.  Whether it will resurface in some other way is a mystery.  Who doesn't like a good mystery though eh??

I'll keep you posted................ I'm very excited to have finally started.  I feel unstuck.  

Now?  Back to the Winter Games!  Are you watching?  Taking any of it in?  

Winter sports are in a category all on their own.  From the downhill ski events, to short track speed skating..... to figure skating.  I love it all.  Like others, what pulls me in are the life stories of the athletes as well as the stories which unfold as the Games unfold. 

The one to watch is Joannie Rochette.  She's our Figure Skating champion who sits in third place after the short program.  Her mother passed away suddenly on Saturday leaving a family, a hometown in Quebec and a skating community completely shocked and bereft.  Last night, Joannie took to the ice with grace and poise and performed a flawless program in front of a sold out audience and a whole country who stood and watched in tears.......... cheering her on.  It was beautiful and heart breaking.  After she took a bow, she fell into the arms of her coach and sobbed.   May she somehow gather the inner strength and feel the angels all around her in order to perform one more time on Thursday night.  

Say a little prayer for Joannie, will you?  

Tonight Canada vs Russia in the quarterfinals.  We're on our way to winning the game .......... and moving on.  If you have ever been interested in learning about the crazy Canuck game of hockey, tune in!  It's fast paced, and absolutely THRILLING!   The Gold Medal game will be played on Sunday.  The whole country is holding their breath in hopes that we'll be playing  for GOLD with glowing hearts!   Believe me, even if you aren't watching, you'll hear a whole country belting out their emotions all weekend long ...... guaranteed to reverberate out into the soundwaves  and right into your homes ......... 

broken dream bewilderment

From the backside of a broken dream, I wandered into bewilderment and sacrificed sleep. Thought dawning began with this odd blink that left me a little bit confused, a little bit rattled, but with a memory smile.  

I asked myself....... what happened?  How had I fallen asleep and not known this for so long?  what woke me up?  or could it be ......... who stole my sleepy state?  Its an eye twitching, head scratching moment when bewilderment taps my tired temples.  

Should I have known this all along or was I tangled in your blue cuffs, stuck in the confusion of missed echoes resonating in the hollow silence between us? There were clues.  Sometimes I saw but couldn't decipher  the  faraway sketches blurred by time. Tonight, I'm left with those lightening bolt nerve endings which radiate from my heart and right out of my fingertips into the dark abyss.  

Will they reach you? I don't know.  You seem so very stuck too in the land of misguided nods.

As silence surrounds my reflective state, my senses become acute.  The air thins out until I can hear the faint sound of clicking glass beads, the whispering hum of prayer chanting well worn beloved words and you talking in your sleep.  Beautiful, you say......... and then I hear a name. 

Bewildering..........

tangerine pink kisses

"Hey Muskie, can you encapsulate your week in one sentence?"

"Sure!  It was a week when I have been emotionally absorbed by funerals, cartwheels and human spirals.  In other words, I was captured by deep sadness, relieving gladness and challenging madness."

"That's two sentences."

"oh.  Clearly I need an editor.  Can I add a bit more?"

"Why not?  You're the one with your fingers on the keyboard...."

"True....I AM the master of this domain.   No matter how sad, glad or mad it was, the serenity I felt at the end of today while driving home along the tranquil Saint John River towards the glorious setting sun filled me with awe.  Like I was smothered in tangerine pink kisses. Thank you God.  You blow my mind.  Daily."

the inclusivity of collective joy.....

Collective Joy at a CISV celebration....
Odell Park, Fredericton, June 2009

I say hey I'll be gone today
But I'll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see
the less I know
But I know one thing
That I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
Michael Franti

The other day, when I needed a little sign to push me forward along the way to Greenbelt (nerves kicked in) I got one. The first voice I heard on the radio when I turned on the van was Michael Franti, the headliner from last year's GB Festival. He said..... "the definition of joy is when the human intersects with the Divine....." He went to describe his interpretation of communal joy..... when people congregate to celebrate and feel a sense of oneness. Not only is it a celebration, he described, it is also a life affirming opportunity to feel at one with many.... to recognize equality and common ties that bind.

For an hour, Franti had my rapt attention as he spoke of his experiences being on the stage and looking out at the crowds.... the collective joy vibrations lifting up into the air to where he stood singing and leading them on.

Smiles and tears..... laughter as well as those melting heart moments when the air feels thinner, when the air has that electricity you just want to inhale.

Whether its at a concert, in a church, outstanding in a field gazing at the night sky with a group.... whether its at a wedding reception, in the middle of a rousing game of capture the flag ... whether its in the middle of a peace march, on a hike along the Fundy trail with 10 of your buddies..... whether its at a hockey game, baseball game, rugby game .... at a Pub on Friday night or in a quiet chapel in the country with family .... collective joy contains the ingredients that affirms and reinforces all that we hope to feel in our lifetime. But, it's more than that, because it takes you out of your body and into a realm where you're greeted by the echoes of many souls..... A trip like no other.

As I gather my thoughts today before I kiss my family goodbye and hop on a plane, I know I leave with an essence of what is to come this weekend. Simply an essence...... gathered from what I've read, and what has been shared with me from my friends I have met through blogging and email connecting. Looking at the expansive itinerary of the four day festival, I feel like a complete neophyte.

Not one name on the list of "talks" is familiar to me, except of course my emerald friend Pip. I recognize (barely) some of the names of the musicians. I know I will feel familiar with some of the worship services, but many of them I won't. I don't know the rituals.....I have a feeling I'll know some of the hymns....but many will be new to me. It will all be new to me. What isn't new is that feeling I have experienced in the past with collective joy.....

Pip writes and BELIEVES ....... "Growth does not reside in a place called comfortable." I think he may even be expanding on that during one of his talks.... (I can't wait to see him up there leading the group I will be a part of....) Personally, I have taken on his statement and have allowed it to be a conscious guide in my life, knowing that I have always believed this myself. I just hadn't made the connection to it until my life intersected with him. When I reflect on my most important learning, it was when I felt the most challenged....the most stretched..... the most juiced up with itching curiosity. Thirsty for growth. Thirsty for the sense of standing on a precipice feeling humbled.

"It seems that everywhere I go, the more I see, the less I know........ but I know one thing, I love you..... " Franti's song is a bustling rhythm that lifts you up onto your feet... his words sing in my head this morning. The feeling I get when I listen this song is the reassurance that my joy is your joy, that my life is your life... that there is an inclusivity contained within collective joy. For me this will take place in Cheltenham England.... where oneness with collide with discomfort .... where learning will collide with knowledge .... where laughter will bring me to tears too .... where growth resides, both personally and collectively.

Ok, time to pack.....

certainty

She strives for bridal gown perfection,
in her faded dungarees
So determined to be decisive,
to know the direction of each breeze

It comes so easy during daytime
Unblushed certainty alights.
But when the scars go blind by darkness
Comfort curses sacred nights....
Comfort curses sacred nights

Close the curtains on certainty
but leave a little light
for a little bit of certainty
carries hope into the night...

Cross eyed blue above the truth
Tangled troubles shoved aside
Sobriety glares glass awareness
Taking on vengeful pride.

Hesitation dreams for affirmation
Doubt tussles arrogance to her knees
Bridal gowns are not for wrestling
Best to wear faded dungarees...

Close the curtains on certainty
but leave a little light
for a little bit of certainty
carries hope into the night....

C'est la vie....
Je pense que le mot "certainty" est une femme fatale.... je ne sais quoi....

Going down the road....

The photo theme prompt this week at Carmi's place is "road." Surprisingly, I seem to have quite a few pictures of roads, all of which are far more eye appealing than this one, but none with more meaning. Worn and paint scraped with a few bumps and cracks in the foundation.....this a picture of a small portion of the old Trans Canada Highway.

Taken last summer after having dinner at a roadside diner about 20 miles "upriver" from where I live, I was so surprised at how empty it was. I grabbed my camera and stood on the pavement with NO concern that I would be hit except perhaps by a loose Moose! Progress had replaced this portion of our national highway with a much more expeditious route. As soon as it was built, this old one transformed into a designated scenic route that offers wide eyed glimpses of the Saint John River Valley. BEE-UUU-TEE-FULL!

Theoretically, this two lane “ribbon of highway” begins in Saint John's, Newfoundland and ends in Victoria, British Columbia. 4,680 miles long, it takes in some of the most beautiful scenery along the way….bodies of water, beautiful forests, majestic rivers, the Great Lakes, breathtaking snow capped mountains, undulating hills, small towns and villages, wide ranging farmland of the prairies and the spectacular rock faces of the Canadian Shield.

It cuts through industrial pockets and rides past enormous office buildings which sprout up and dot the outlying cities. It often parallels the train tracks, many of which have been turned into the Trans Canada Trail system. Designated picnic area stops, drive through Tim Horton’s and tourist information pavilions, and Mom and Pop diners and budget motels have their place along this multi faced road, as do hitchhikers, cyclists and truckers off to the side idling for some shut eye rest. From the shores of the Atlantic to the shores of the Pacific, this long and winding road symbolically connects us. I feel that deep in my bones.

Almost 22 years ago, in a jammed packed car driven by us and a stuffed little truck driven by a friend, my soon to be husband and I made the trek east along the Trans Canada highway to a new life together in a new province, in a new city. After 14 hours of driving, we would’ve made it to this point in the road….where I took the picture…..close to where we pulled off for much needed respite. I thought of that day while standing there remembering the move, but hardly recognizing the old road because in the summertime, it used to be vibrantly alive with slow moving camper vehicles and van of families all headed to vacation destinations. It was well used.

Meaning… this road takes me home…to my family and friends in Ontario and to my family and friends in New Brunswick. In fact, if you were to keep driving from this spot, you would end up driving right by the street which leads to my own. In the wintertime when the trees are bare, I can see the old highway from my living room. In the summer, I can only hear the infrequent echoes of the cars passing by. Some of them are folks opting for the scenic route. Some are people passing through onto a new life, or getting away from an old one. It holds meaning.


While standing there…..I also thought of Terry Fox as I looked down this straightaway and wondered what it was like for him when he reached this spot in his trek across the country. His story is etched into this cracked and worn pavement. I could almost picture him coming towards me. His Marathon of Hope story was picking up steam and being passed along from one person to another....there's a good chance that the people whose homes line the highway were out waving him on..... I can picture it completely.

Our national hero….a young man with a dream as wide as this country. His determination continues to inspire me. Accompanied by his best buddy who believed in him, Terry Fox dipped his artificial leg into the Atlantic to start the run. His plan was to dip it into the Pacific when he completed the journey. 4,680 miles of sheer will.

We all know he never had a chance to finish it on his own. Cancer got him again….knocked him right off the Trans Canada near Thunder Bay. But his legacy and spirit continues to be carried in the hearts of every Canadian….his goal to raise money for Cancer research…to find a cure….was passed onto the people from coast to coast who continue to organize “Terry Fox runs” every September, who continue to tear up every time they think of his stamina and guts! More than anyone else before or after (except for the 1972 Canadian Hockey team…J), Terry Fox linked Canadians together. More than anyone else, this young man pulled a bunch of separate communities together. He ran on this pavement…… Hop, skip, run…..

Yes, this little photo is a patch of the larger ribbon of highway. It holds meaning. It holds the collective history of a vast country filled with people who know one another.

Thank you Carmi for the prompt. As usual, you kick started my memories. For more road stories, check out Written Inc....

innocence revisited....

Innocence touches delicately like a pale pink summer dress on soft skin. It's sacred purity belie the presence of soulknowing with a cloak of ignorance, when in fact it may hold the power of wisdom in its peaceful heart. Behind the bluewater eyes of innocence is a wellspring of ancestral memories wrapped in a hymn. Strong, hopeful tones set to the white lightness of a child's voice, it's essence seems almost ethereal.

Why do we believe that we leave it behind when we cross the threshold into adulthood, that somehow we forfeit it during our rites of passage? Do we lose touch with our innocence behind the thirsty pangs and the impulsive actions which drive us in our daily lives? Or does it only manifest in our early years and then evaporates into a faint apparition, replaced by the gravity of amplified guilt? Lose our virginity, lose innocence....is that it?

In adults, innocence languishes under the tidal shoals of forgotten thoughts and hesitates to reveal itself to us again. Once lost, forever lost? It hides behind the more attention seeking orchestrations of suffering. It gets lost in the shadows of doubtful ruminations. We love to see its freshness revealed in others, and smile every time it flashes its purity. So, why is it so difficult for us to look into the mirror and recognize the innocence we all carry inside us?

Innocence never vanishes completely. It lives inside every single human being, including the worst of the worst irreputable villains. We may not be innocent in what we do as human beings. Our actions may teem with guilty pleasures and/or indescribably unforgivable sins. But, the sense of innocence? The ethereal essence of white lightness? Listen for it. Look for it. Please. For within our innocence lies the key to the ancestral wisdom and harmony we need to turn this world around.

making the untenable transform into one spoken word.

Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.

Martin Luther King Jr.

The other day, I had to grab a cab from downtown to get home. Unlike my memorable trip to find Pip's house, I knew the way this time! However, when the cab driver asked me where I would like to go, I joked and replied..."Montreal. I'd really like to go to Montreal." He laughed and seemed game actually, but then I gave him my address and off we went, yapping away like we'd known each other from another planet or something. Gotta love the friendliness of cabbies!

Our conversation ran the gamut of topics, led mostly by my philosophical and very intuitive cabbie. I was fascinated by his "take" on Quebec and our constitution, on bilingualism, psychology, and the very idea that we don't own thoughts we just borrow them in the space where they dwell (try and get your head around THAT one...loveitloveit!).....and in fact asked him if he was writing this stuff down (he's not, but I did encourage him to become a blogger....and gave him the link to mine so he may be reading this!) Anyways, one thing he spoke of really stuck with me and for some reason it flows into my thinking on this day of hope.....Obama's inauguration.

In the middle of a story he was sharing with me, he asked me if I knew the original meaning behind the word "universe." I had never thought too much about it before except that it had such a vast infinite connotation.......something almost so intensely open-ended, its galaxy seemed untenable and beyond my grasp. When I think of the word "universe," it makes me feel so small and inconsequential, that whatever i do in this vast expanse we live in would never really make a dent of a difference. I tried to put pull together what I had always considered the meaning of the word...... but then he broke down the word into three.... uni-ver-se.... this one word was formed by three words.... translated as "single-spoken-word".....or another translation is "turned into one"

Universe means single spoken word.....

or turned into one.

Today, we all watch in anticipation and hope all the while holding our breath as a man who inspires like no other on this planet right at this moment takes the oath of office. Our hopes are pinned on his lapel. Somehow, Barack Obama has generated such a universal feeling of action, of possibility that only change can produce even in the face of such enormous obstacles....he has somehow turned us into one. Obama, with his compassionate words AND his compassionate actions thus far has wiped away the face of apathy and replaced it with inspired energy. He has stretched our imaginations to include the fresh air idealism which feeds a sense of oneness needed to create a major shift in the collective conscience and consciousness of all. When he uses the chant, "Yes we can!" he is calling on all of us to take part.....American, Canadian, French, Australian, British, Kenyan, Brazilian, Mexican...... Have you ever experienced anything like this rush of energy across this universe??

Universe..... single spoken word.....

turned into one.....

How can he succeed against such odds? Only if we help....only if we all take responsibility for the long "to do" list which sits on the desk of the President of the United States of America, only if we recognize our role, our duty to make a difference. Obama has been clear that he can't do it alone. He has been vocal about the long haul ahead of us.....economically, emotionally, spiritually, how it's going to be fraught with false starts and small steps towards a better place. What is threaded throughout his speeches, is a message of a single spoken word. We must listen.....and act.

Service

Yesterday to acknowledge Martin Luther King Jr Day, Obama helped roll paint onto the walls of a homeless shelter for youth, beautifully and symbolically marking a challenge to all who are paying attention. Service in action.

Service

Martin Luther King Jr said...."An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity"...... this is what I'm hearing from Obama.....spoken in his own calm, deliberate, intelligent manner....He is challenging us to live outside of ourselves, to recognize the thousand threads which bind us, to begin anew by doing. This leader of our times had chosen a single spoken word to capture the vastness of the issues of this planet.....

Service.

Perhaps this is how we can help make the untenable transform into possiblity....through our acts of service.... We begin to perform small acts in our communities, for our schools, in our neighbourhoods, at the local shelter, with a soup ladel in hand at the community kitchen, reading to a child at the library, donating to the food bank, buying locally, supporting one another, looking out for one another.....its all found in a single spoken word.

Service.

Barack Obama knows his destiny and success lies in our hands as well as in his own hands of action....this is the essence of a good leader. In his acceptance speech after winning the democratic nomination, he spoke of promise..."What is that American promise? It's a promise that says each of us has the freedom to make of our own lives what we will, but that we also have an obligation to treat each other with dignity and respect"......He goes on to say....."Our government should work for us, not against us. It should help us, not hurt us. It should ensure opportunity not just for those with the most money and influence but for every American who's willing to work. "

"That's the promise of America -- the idea that we are responsible for ourselves but that we also rise or fall as one nation: the fundamental belief that I am my brother's keeper. I am my sister's keeper."

"We are responsible for ouselves but rise or fall as one......"

Even if we don't live in the United States of America, we are enthralled because this man plans to lead us into working as one. His actions and his appointments indicate this. Turned into one. We are inspired when we hear the single spoken word....Service..... Let him reframe how we look at our universe so that we all feel significantly needed in the embrace of change.

It's possible. Yes we can.

Let the change begin.

the 12 most difficult steps

Lily, our canine matriarch.

Photo by Martha.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Heartwrenching brokenness

The series of falls are painful, bruising, hard and deep before one can reach out for the first rung with the understanding and the surrendering needed for the journey up the 12 steps.

Physically, emotionally, spiritually, holistically.

Humbly.

Honestly

Reflectively

Purposefully

I have had the privilege of learning from the experts. Their raw feelings seep out of their skin electrifying the air when they share a slice of reflections. Broken admissions blend with a hopeful heart scarred by scraping knuckles and knees in search of serenity.

Stories spill.

Wishes spill.

Tears come easily because they live just under the sensitive surface.

Prayers repeated until they are at last heard.....until they finally come from a deep holiness which sits in the pit of blackhole transformation. Prayers spoken until they are birthed into a home where loving guiding hands await the surrendering.

Palms upward and open....friends, family, strangers, God.

I have learned from the experts. Beautiful and broken..... they know the story. They know it can't be done alone. They know it needs love and unconditional acceptance. God has that in abundance. So do we.

You know, i'm left this morning wondering if these are truly the steps we all need to consider attempting. They are the learning steps towards living a life with humbling grace and forgiveness of ourselves and others.

shocking lips

"Are there ways for gauging one's spiritual strength?"

"Many."

"Give us one."

"Find out how often you become disturbed in the course of a single day."

Anthony de Mello

Like holding back a tender kiss when its all you've ever wanted to give, and then taking a tentative step into the blurry kindling of desire, astonishing in its intensity. One minute you're in control living insulated and orderly. Suddenly, this rush of awareness, disturbing in its intensity flashes like embers asking for more kindling. Is there anything more spiritually felt and disturbing at the same time as a simple kiss on the lips? It is more divine than we want to admit.

May this year be the year of snogging.

beguiling joy

Opportunities to gather in collective joy have diminished over the years, suppressed by our puritan ancestors, dismissed by the everyday time crunch, considered a unneccessary frill attached to the fabric we wear. It isn't necessary, some believe. Too frivolous. Who has the time when just getting through a day fighting off the blues is the order of the day? Day in and day out? Who has the energy even? Besides, get a group of people together and all hell would break lose. We've seen that happen after sport matches. It started out as a celebration and ended up in brawls, looting and even deaths. It's happened so often that our opportunities for collectively joyful celebrations are policed and reined in. damn those drunk rowdies!

We are pent up anal retentive beings aren't we? When did this become the norm? When did a gathering of joy become a frightening concept void of decorum? Like a virus, it seeped into our psyche, penetrated by class domination and the dismissal of cultural and religious traditions. Instead, we slapped rules and judgements on what is acceptable in our society. Boundaries, rules and the banning of gathering en masse has stripped us of opportunities to feel the rapturous energy of ourselves and others.


Even our entertainment choices became one dimensional......on a stage, on a screen, in a polite forum in a park. Our churches grew in hierarchical top down sermonizing, where the congregation sits and does what its told.....pray NOW, sing NOW, give money NOW.....and then go home. God forbid you yelp out an amen at the wrong time. God forbid someone in weeping tatters should arrive and join the self conscious starved congregation. How embarrassing that would be?? Audiences with no role except to receive the stimulation all around, leaves a feeling that possibility has left the building along with spontaneity, along with the very desirous feeling of collective joy.



It used to be there were common squares in villages and towns set up to promote the Hallelujah moments of the people who gathered. Now, if they still exist, they have more often than not beened turned into a place to stick monuments, or filled with cultivated gardens too perfect to tamper with. If for example a small group arrived at the common square intent on drumming their music as a means of generating joyful energy, we would smile politely at them all the while thinking they were odd hippie types, and move away from the sound.


Are we too busy, important, focused on our dutiful tasks to appreciate the freedom of the drumming? I want the feeling of the heart beat pulling us to others.....the intensity of releasing ourselves from the prison of "self" where the wild beauty of sheer joy and a hot beguiling belonging can erase all negativity. Drug me with a joy which shatters a hundred griefs.


We may have created a society where we have little opportunities to swell up to release this energy, but we haven't lost our yearning and deep deep need for it. Most of us have experienced it in our lives. We do know how it feels........and we know how magically freeing it is when our egos evaporate unnoticed, when the scattering of individuality merges into an orgiatic one. It is an immersion where anything is possible....



We've had a taste of this elixir, and nothing is more powerfully life affirming. Nothing strips away depression than sharing this drug. Nothing compares to immersing oneself in the sea of sheer rapture. (Isn't that THE best word? RAPTURE! The mind possessing feeling of intense joy and love that pushes away all other emotions.... loveitloveitloveit! Gotta get me some more of that rapture.....!)

Rapture....the holy fire of joy bursting from an inside grin too delighted to remain still anymore. The grin has got to express!

Ecstasy

Bliss

Elation

Wildness

Messy in all its glory

JOY-FULL Rapture

There is something wrong with this? I don't think so! When I have found myself in the middle of collective joy, it's like my limbs grow outward beyond my flesh and body entangling with others naturally, my voice blends into the harmonious esctasy of a choir, my heart opens to possibilities. Joy expressed sizzles in delightful joy, a cacophony of messy contagious hysteria. When I have felt it in my life, I have been given a glimpse of what heaven holds.

Bring on the song and dance......bring on a celebration......let spontaneity spark a holy AMEN of beautiful voices stepping beyond the boundaries and into the choir of joy. We need to feel it again......the whole world needs to feel it collectively again. Think of the possibilities....a world party beaming.