Monday, January 18, 2010

one stalled muse......

Wow, I'm stalled.  I've started several bloggie posts and haven't the energy or creative ooomph to finish them.  They all seem so contrived and weenie, and I just can't go there.  I'm empty?  Or am I saturated?  I don't know.  Maybe a bit of both.  Whatever it is, I don't seem to have it. 

No flow, no go.  That's how I feel.  Step away until the muse makes an entrance again.  Be patient.  However, I know better.  You can't let the void of ideas and lack of incentive bung you up!  Sometimes, you just have to grab the entrails of one's motivation and grunt through the painful process.  Writer's block is a constipating ordeal.

Actually, I don't think my lack of "flow" has anything to do with writer's block.  I've got a million ideas swimming around in my head.  Phrases and bits of poetry are just beyond my imagination reach.  Topics and stories are formulating.  Two solid script ideas.  A novel idea which absolutely pumped me up last fall when I first started creating the main character and storyline.  In fact, one night I jotted down 10 pages of notes.  It was a freeflow stream of ideas. But then, I started sharing my ideas because of my excitement and kind of lost interest.  That's what happens.  If I talk about a piece i want to write before i actually do it, I tend to lose the drive. 

Many of the stories I want to write about I can't because of the public nature of this venue and the private confidentiality I have to live and work by.  Though I can often develop a post based on a story and turn it into something more general or something that doesn't look anything like my original tale, as I did with the last few pieces.  But, that takes some concentration.  Right now, I'm lacking in that......... that's not a block. That's called feeling unanchored.  There's a disconnect between my heart, my head and my creative side. It feels like there are ka-chunky divots on this creative road that swallow up my ability to find just.the.right.word.  I havent felt like this since my writing spree began 4 1/2 years ago and I started this blog.

Why did I start this blog?  It's original purpose was to help incorporate writing into my daily routine.  Well, that was accomplished and more.  It's an obsession. OK, its more than an obsession. It was also the place to archive first drafts.  I don't think I intended it to be an eternal holding tank, and I didn't expect it to end up being an obstacle to take the next step with some of the writing I'm proud of...........  1346 posts later?  hmmmmmmmmm.......... I know there are a hundred or so of them that meaningful and  have the potential for a larger audience.  This, I have confidence in.

I don't fear the distinct possibility of rejection.  I'm realistic about the chances of any of my work seeing the light of day in the publishing world.  But I know I have to try.  I have to pull some of these piece together and try or I will regret it forever. So, what's stalling me?  The way I see it.............there are two biggies.

1. I suck at organizing and detail work.  I'm not good at knitting, beading, and fine needlework.  It drags me down, sucks my energy,  makes me feel creatively claustrophobic.  I'm much better with open ended projects........ photography fills that for me, as does making wreaths or pulling together big baskets of goodies.  I love flower arranging......... the wilder the better.  My garden is a place of messy perennial blooms and not an orderly row upon row effort.  I don't even dress conservatively.  It constricts me.  I do have an aesthetic eye for colour and composition and I see the fine details.  But, I love the overall charismatic effect of creativity.  
If you asked my boss what my weaknesses are, she wouldn't hesitate........... the paperwork.  My strengths are the BIG ideas, the generation of a project while leading it.  So, put it in creative writing terms, my strengths are in the creative first idea side of things......and then overseeing the construction of a piece of prose with the big picture in my mind's eye.  I don't like to proofread, edit, or get bogged down by all of that.  Ideas trip out of me with lightening speed.  Maybe I'm ADHD?  No.  My attention span is fully firing when I'm engaged and can sculpt from an open hearted opportunity.

2.  The process of writing for me is both sensual and spiritual.  When I sink into the depths of a piece of writing, where just the right word is captured so effortlessly, where time holds no meaning, and the whole world could come to a crashing halt without a whisper of it filtering into my consciousness, I can only describe it as a connection with a Higher Power.  Is it too much to describe it as a heightened sense of becoming?  An enlightened awareness?

It's an elixir I keep returning to taste because it tastes so sweet, so ripe, I want to devour it.  In turn, the writing process feeds my appetite. I can explore, step out into new frontiers.  It stretches me, challenges me, pushes me beyond my comfort zone.  It also allows me to process my thoughts and put words to them.  It is the best tool for enhancing my own emotional literacy.   Consequently, once I have written something and post it here, I begin to move on right away into the next idea.  

The next idea and the previous 50 ideas I've had however, didn't grab hold of me like they used to.  As frustrating as that is, I can't deny it anymore and will have to explore the whys behind the change of wind.   Maybe it's time to seek out the challenges in the discomfort zone of returning to have a gander what I have already written. It's time to revisit and evaluate.  Maybe by doing this, the flow will reappear and my ability to find just the right word will reconnect my heart, my head and my creative side.  That would be such a relief, because to tell you the truth, I havent felt that way in months. 

OH, the details!!!  Please don't let me drown in the editing, tweaking, cutting, rewriting, tossing, threading, beading work ahead.  Oh, and God?  Would you mind dropping in from time to time to check on me like you did when I was in the writing flow?


You could help me out too......... TREMENDOUSLY.  If there is a memorable piece I've written... a particular post that resonated with you....poked you in the ribs maybe.... I would love to know.  Thank you.


Canuckguy said...

"Wow, I'm stalled." - Awareness

If that is an exampled of being 'stalled', lord help us if your muse kick starts you again.

Aphra said...

'Fixer fairy' from last April is one that sticks with me.

Jen said...


and "temptation"

ack. that's kinda revealing! ;-)

Dana, you're one helluva writer.

awareness said...

Canuckguy..... It doesnt appear that I am, does it? Up until this fall, I could see and feel how my writing was Malcolm Gladwell talks about the number of hours one puts into developing a skill directly impacts the quality of the "gift" It made sense to me. In November, I began to wind lose some lyricism to my writing. MOst of what I've written since then has been like pulling teeth and is crap. As well, the topics I once embraced feel used up or something. This is where the "stalling" is. I have tried to keep writing thinking I could push through that feeling, but so far, it hasn't worked.
My daily routine has been changed too, and I am missing the regular home visits and drives I had to do in my last job more than I realized....not the work, but the processing of thoughts and ideas often happened while driving. Weird eh?

Aphra...thank you! It's not one I would've remembered. I'll look at that piece again.

Jen.....shhhhh, it will be our shared secret..... :) thank you for that wonderful compliment. I would actually write more political editorials if I could. However because i havent been able to? The topics I jumped on were ones I may never have considered. So, I'm grateful for that. would be fun to jump into that political/satirical arena and have a go at it.

On a limb with Claudia said...

I think you're working too hard. You write such wonderful essays about the human experience - why isn't that enough?

Go with your strengths - and forget the rest.

Susan Deborah said...

Even this post of yours made a difference - seeing inability to write as a philosophical dialogue. Wow!

Joy always,

kenju said...

1346 posts??? I thought I was prolific! And some of mine are not written by me, but you do all of yours, don't you?

I like everything you write and have made no note of a particular post. Sorry

awareness said...

Claudia, I would love to be writing full time. that desire does get in the way. :) I want to do something with my essays...pull them together under a thematic umbrella. I feel like this is what i need to do first before I would even contemplate tackling anything beyond that.

Susan...thank you. and welcome! I have tried not to make this blog simply a personal journal but sometimes reflective writing is so darn cathartic.

Judy... yes.... isn't that a head trip? I'd say over 1300 of them are out of my own noggin. Before it gets much bigger, I've got to put some of them out there beyond the blog world and see what happens.

Gypsy said...

Wow I wish I could be that stalled.

You have written some pieces that have really moved me and made me think but my memory gets worse by the day and I couldn't for the life of me remember the details, just the feelings they left me with, I wish I could be more help but just know that everything you write packs an mpressive punch.

Crikey...1346 posts? I am struggling to reach 500.

Gypsy said...

Sorry about the run on sentence and terrible punctuation. Sometimes I can't be bothered to edit either :)

Carmi said...

I get blocked all the time. I've spent the last month struggling to find my flow as a writer, to get back into the groove that allows me to blast out ungodly amounts of prose in literally no time flat. I used to be able to do that and still have time to linger over dinner. These days, not so much.

I'll give you the advice I always give myself when I run into these ruts: walk away. Get as far away from the keyboard - or whatever instrument you're using - and let your mind ruminate over anything BUT the words or the process.

Absence gives us the perspective we need to re-engage.

awareness said...

Gypsy....once I get into the swing of reviewing some of them, I may send a few your way just for some feedback. It is that "feeling" I want to pull together. thanks.

Carmi.......advice taken. I thought I could push through it...not working! So, I need to disengage in order to re-engage. it makes sense. I won't go too far without my trusty red journal book of ideas though. I'll use it as a security blanket, but also as a place to capture anything worthwhile that flits out of the resting mind.