reflections

I easily could slide right into the "coulda" "woulda" "shoulda's" tonight as I reflect back on a whole month away from the office.  But I won't.  There is no point.  I had such big plans and a list of to do's I was so determined to complete.  But, here I sit, surrounded by a tossed up home (honestly, it was orderly yesterday morning and everything had been wiped down, dusted off, vaccuuuuuuuumed, and mopped) after a flurry of fine feathered teens arrived, conquered and then left in a blink, and I wonder just exactly what it was that I did for a whole month.  A lot.  Most of which I never would've expected let alone planned..........

OK, I have this problem with unrealistic expectations.  I keep making them, and they keep biting me in the arse.  You'd think I'd learn. But, then again, I have never been through a marriage break up, so who knew what to expect?  And since there are very few guidelines as to how to deal with it all, and the ones I have encountered I've basically tramped on them, I should've known that any expectations were goofy.

So, in no order........ my thoughts........on a month of spontaneity, absurdity, difficulty, liberty, but definitely not simplicity.

1. Joy is always attainable..... just make your gaze beautiful
2. Late night front porch chats while being served mojitos is something I could easily grow accustomed to.
3. Sometimes it takes longer to accomplish a goal when your head is in the clouds.  But, you can still get there.
4. Girlfriends are a blessing beyond words.
5. Blue glow balls are a necessity for healing tides to work their magic.
6. I love the company of men.
7. Don't think you're grounded and ready to take on a big project when you can't even decide on the dinner menu.
8. It's amazing what you can overcome if you set your mind to it.  But, if your mind is tired, let it rest.
9. Feeling crappy and thinking sorrowful thoughts?  Do something active. Or dive under the covers and let it pass.  Or sit and meditate.  Or put on some music and let yourself blend into its medicinal harmonies. Or visit a waterfalls with a friend.
10. My confidence in my writing is increasing.  Just gotta wait for the focus and the spirit to catch up before I can give it the attention I want it to.
11. Taking risks is easier when you've been hurt deeply.  You just have to be more cognizant that the choice you make may not be the best one.  Whatever.......... it always leads to something very interesting, no matter what the choice was.
12. I've rediscovered my love of the colour orange.
13. If at first you don't succeed, turn around and seek out a hug from a friend who makes great coffee and who will set your world straight again in one visit.
14. Prayer is only a blink away......
15. Tell it like it is, go with your gut feelings. 
    
16. I am absolutely blessed to have the support and encouragement all around me.
17. Always hire a cabana boy to help you with outdoor chores.
18. The Saint John River valley is my sanctuary.
19. Spencer's Island continues to resonate eternity.
20. The sun and salt air is the best medicine for a weary girl.
21. Glaswegian accents make me smile.
22. I can survive heatwaves and still make a big Canadian breakfast without passing out in my own sweat.
23. Nap and nap often.
24. Emails and phone calls bring love and strength from all around the world.......  amazing!
25. Yearnings need to be listened to.
26. Heart pain blows!  Healing happens on its own time.
27. I am a counsellor.  This is  not negotiable.  I have been counselling since I was 15 years old.  It is who I am, not what I do.
28. I may be competent, but I may not be confident.  It'll come...........
29. You just never know.
30. I need more time to let my spirit catch up.
31. God's abundance is wrapped most beautiful in the gifts of family and friendship.
32. Simplicity is almost impossible to attain, especially if you keep fueling your own fire.
33. Life can combust and turn to dust in a blink and a wink.  Surround yourself in compassion by sharing yours.
34. Freedom is beautiful.
    

I'm not ready to return to work.  Who is really? I wasn't able to fully leave the office behind which I had hoped to do........... not think about it or be pulled into some events percolating there and this really disappoints me.  Too much on the horizon there to be able to let go of all thoughts of the place and it definitely impacted my thoughts and daily meanderings.  As much as my goal has been to try to keep life at a dull roar, I didn't succeed.  

Today, I am back to work.  I have no choice in the matter, unless of course my money ship comes sailing in.  May the Captain of the ship not be a fool.....or at least a handsome handyman fool.  Or better yet...... perhaps I need to recognize more fully that I am the Captain, steering this ship with a little help from the ones around me. 

ps.  The wild rose photos were taken in Spencer's Island NS last week.