emotional manipulation revisited

This is a long post, but hopefully you will find a few gems in it that may help you.  I know it's helped me understand it more deeply as I've written it....... put it aside, and then returned to it again and again.  

 I've been plugging away at it one and off for a year!  Why?  Well, of all of the topics I've posted on this blog, the one piece that is "googled" the most  (at least 4-5 times daily!) was one I wrote about over two years ago.  I continue to receive emails and comments from people all over the world who are trying to find the answers to dealing with an Emotional Manipulator in their lives.......... whether its a friend, a lover, a partner, a family member...... they are seeking out answers, looking for some understanding as to what is happening in their lives.  It is a messy topic....... one that comes from the dark side of us.  We can all relate.

We can all manipulate.  We all have this skill in us.  However, there are human beings out there, who are masters of this way of being.  For whatever reason, their lives and their internal wiring lead them into interacting with others using games and mind benders.  To me, they are one of the most difficult individuals to help.  Their needs are bottomless.  Their tactics are so hurtful.  Their ability to take ownership of their behaviour is flawed because more times than not, they don't believe there is a darn thing wrong with them.  It's the rest of the world that is messed up..........

This post is written based on my own experiences, observations, and studies.  I believe self awareness as well as the awareness of the symptoms and sickness is our best attempt as looking after ourselves.  

My first experience happened with a first boyfriend....... age 16.  He had unrelenting anxiety issues and became so ill he couldn't attend school.  I juggled both his homework and my own, trying to be helpful.  He would respond by telling me that if I broke up with him, he would kill himself.  This is where my first learning took place.  I continued on in that toxic relationship for an extra year out of fear.   No one has the right to put their life in your lap!  Oh guess what?  He lived! And every now and then, I receive an email from him at 3 am.  Out of the blue.  My stomach does backflips all these years later when I see his name in my in-box!  Crazy!!

IF we can see it, feel it, hear it, we can make the decisions to get out of the way.  We have choices........ always.  No matter what the consequences are.

____________________________________________________________

bleeding heart........

Its amazing how quickly we are drawn to the drinking fountain that spills the nectar we crave and not even recognize its damaging consequences until the sweetness rots a hole into our hearts.  Its amazing how quickly we sidestep into the same dance moves despite the fact that the music beat seems completely different than the past.  You'd think we'd learn to stay clear of these trappings.  But cravings stilt our thinking while heightening our feelings to a point where they begin to control the choices we make.  We get drawn in as fast as flames up the chimney.

SWOOSH!  Off balance and confused by the swaying persuasion of a person who uses emotionally charged tactics to get what they want, we succumb to the hypnotic allure of their game. We become victimized and are held hostage by a professional victim who knows our weak points and knows how to use an arsenal of Emotion DARTS that target our weak points  Its like playing chess with a master.  The problem is..... in the rush to play the game, we don't recognize fast enough that we have become one of his Pawns. 

How does this happen so quickly?  How do we end up emotionally tied to another person who craves control because they don't feel like they have any in their life?  How do we recognize the manipulator who smoothly uses mind manoeuvering techniques like a tonic we choose to drink?  Why does this seem to happen more often to people who are kind and full of goodness?  How do we become enablers in a game you will never win?  

The way I see it AND believe it?  It comes down to the idea that we are getting some of our own personal needs met!  

Lots of questions!  Lots of ruminations!  LOTS of time spent trying to find your footing with professional victims who use the terror filling tactics of emotional game playing. 

Ask yourself.............. Is what I am doing to help one of these victims getting me what I want??  What do I want?   What are my needs?

Ask yourself......... Which of the most important relationships in my life are spiritually and emotionally healthy? What is is about them that make them feel healthy?  Why are they healthy?  Is there a respectful balance of give and take?

 

Ask youself.... Which ones are toxic?  IN what ways are they toxic?  Why?  What am I getting out of it?

Ask yourself......... What role do I play in the push and pull of a relationship that may not be a healthy one?  What am I sacrificing of myself and my life to try to maintain/fix/change the relationship? 

We all have the same needs.  According to William Glasser, Choice Theory guru guy, our needs fall into 5 categories.  Survival, Love and Belonging, Control/Empowerment, Freedom and Fun.  That's it.  5 needs.  5 goblets...... filled or not.  If one of our goblets is nearing empty, our actions, according to Dr. Glasser focus on re-filling the need goblet.   It affects how we think, feel emotionally, feel physically and act.  In other words, it tints the lens we use to look out at the world around us because we crave to fill the emptiness.

For example, if  Love and Belonging needs goblet is empty,  thoughts turn to conjuring up statements like....."I'm unlovable.  I'm ugly.  I'm alone.  No one loves me....Nobody cares that I'm even alive." This is the biggie!!!  Emotional feelings may sour into loneliness, shame, sadness, anxiety, rejection, anger.  Physical feelings turn to hunger, belly aches, headaches, energy heaviness.  Every ache and pain is felt, which in turn twists thinking into morbidity.  

Actions??  They can run the gamut.  You may slink away into my bed and succumb to depression, or you may become the busiest butterfly flitting out and about with a broken wing in search of love. OR, if you are aware of what's happening and what the need is, you may choose a much more balanced healthier approach.  You reach out to others.  You get into counselling. You start up a project or immerse yourself in a hobby.  You learn to be still and find happiness with your own company.  

Instant gratification through sex, food, alcohol, online sexual risk taking with others out in the mean world.  It comes down to looking for that elusive unconditional love but only ever finding love with conditions.  With rules.  With "do this" and I will love you conditions.  Its amazing how far we will go to seek out love...... to feel a sense of oneness and belonging ........... to rid ourselves of our misfit persona.  Values be damned when we are empty vessels in need of affirmation.

When my "love and belonging" needs have been depleted,  I am vulnerably open to tripping into the kind of relationship that will devour instead of soothe. I try to MAKE the relationship work even if it is toxic.  They will use their manipulative charm to get their own needs met.... empowerment, control and maybe even love and belonging too!  At first glance, it appears that this relationship is a healthy partnership..... I'll scratch my back, you scratch mine scenario.  But, when you are dealing with someone whose "need cups" can never be filled..... when they are a bottomless pit of need, there is no give and take balance.  The relationship runs amok..... as the game of give, give, give and take, take, take continues until the giver has nothing left and the taker remains hungry for more.  

give, give, give......

take, take, take.....

the giver pulls away, trying to look after themselves

the taker reacts by uttering demands, threats... even to a point where they say they will harm themselves.  Even to a point where they DO harm themselves......... all in a ploy to shake up the guilt and shame of the Giver. 

We are not dealing with a person who is healthy.  Chances are, there is serious mental health issues simmering under the surface.  But, they are smart.  The anger and aggression eventually rise up through their skin, but days and weeks can go by when all seems so serene!   They need professional intervention.  Sadly, Emotional Manipulators are the last ones who will ever admit there is something wrong with them. They are professional victims. The world is out to get THEM. 

So, we need to look after ourselves.  Like they say before the plane takes off, we need to put our oxygen masks on first before we can attempt to help someone.  We need to be aware of our own needs .... this is Emotional Awareness.  This is Emotional Literacy!  Read on!!!

If all of our behaviour is our best attempt at fulfilling our needs, how much control do we have over our actions?  A heck of a lot more than we do trying to control the actions of others or their needs. We may be the most "aware" person in the whole world, sometimes our needs drive us blindly down some thorny paths even if we think we are being careful.  And the worst thorny path to find yourself tumbling down is one that is owned by an emotional manipulator.  

More often than not, this is the foundation of domestic violence, which  INCLUDES more than a husband and wife scenario.   Domestic violence  includes elder abuse, child versus parent abuse, parent/child abuse, sibling violence, extended family abuse.  Emotional, physical, sexual or a combination of all.   More often than not, the manipulators who take advantage of our goodness are family.  I've experienced it first hand through marriage.  I've read about it, studied it, and have helped others in counselling sessions try to come to terms with it.  Emotional Literacy is lifelong learning.......  I am a student.  I hope you are too. 

Incredibly smart but sadly their self image is badly damaged, people who play with someone else's emotional stability are not only difficult to recognize right away, they will never admit the games they play.  In fact, they often feign victimhood.  This is their defence. This is their "comfort zone" they fall into when they feel any sense of wrongdoing.  They are bullies seething on the verge of some serious mental health issues.  Sadly, Sociopathic behaviour remains elusive in terms of change and treatment because an Emotional Manipulator is the last person to admit there is anything wrong with them.

No one is immune to the twisty turns of a person who has the smarts to turn a relationship into one of victim and aggressor.  All we can do is be aware of our boundaries as well as our own needs.  We have to learn to protect ourselves, learn how to walk away, let go and be firm about our own health and safety.  This is very difficult to do when one is the kind of person who is considered a helper.... a doer.......... a person who has a lot of love to share.  It is almost impossible to do when the person who has NEEDS that have no bottom pit is a family member or a lover.  But, it is doable.  Usually after many attempts and situations...... we do reach a place of readiness to put down the rules!  To learn to let go and let it be rather than losing your own freedom and empowerment in your own life.  

We do have the power to offer love and compassion while not getting entangled  in the web of psychological destruction.  We do not have the power to "save" another person from their own machinations, threats and self harm when they don't want to change.  Tragically...........

Love is out there.  Good love.  Healthy love.  Humans can provide this for other humans, though we are not perfect.  When two people meet, they bring along their "needs" goblets........... its a merging of the head and heart.  A blending of goodness and compasion as well as empathy for one another is reachable.   And our guide to showing us what unconditional love is and how it can be reciprocated?  God.

Look after yourself.  See the toxic relationships through the a clarification lens.  It may take a long time to let go of the threads that bind.  No doubt it may be one of the most painful decisions to make because it leads to actions that may even feel inhumane to you at first.  Get support around you, whether its through friends, family and/or professional help.  Lean on your faith. Know there will be grieving.  Sadness.  Guilt. Shame.  Be aware that it may even feel selfish to think of yourself first.  It's all there.  It goes against the grain of our compassionate hearts.  But, it comes down to the fulfilling the very basic need of all........... Survival.  Your own.  

from the earth.....

"One of the greatest dangers in the spiritual life is self-rejection. When we say, "If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me," we choose the road toward darkness. Often we are made to believe that self-deprecation is a virtue, called humility. But humility is in reality the opposite of self-deprecation. It is the grateful recognition that we are precious in God's eyes and that all we are is pure gift. To grow beyond self-rejection we must have the courage to listen to the voice calling us God's beloved sons and daughters, and the determination always to live our lives according to this truth."  Henri Nouwen.

A friend sent me this quote.  It came at just the right time because I had been thinking about this very topic!  My fractured thoughts...........

 Humility is a complicated concept to describe, yet it seems to be the most simplified levelling way to be. Living, thinking, feeling, breathing, acting with a sense of quiet modesty?  Its not something you can openly aspire to "be."  Or is it?  No one announces:  "My New Year's Resolution is to lose 20 pounds and be humble by March 1rst."  Or, how about..... "Look at me!  I'm so darn humble!"  No, a person who would be described as having a presence of humility has no ego-driven arrogance around them.  Rather, it is more of an unspoken (because it doesn't need to be broadcasted) realness...... an authentic respect for themselves and others.  Humility is an equalizer.

Based on Nouwen's interpretation that humility is not the same as self-deprecation, can you think of anyone in your life whom you would describe as a humble?  There are a few people that come to mind right away.  Automatically thoughts of them bring a grin to my face and a knowledge that whenever I see them, I want to be near them. 

We describe these people as "salt of the earth...." They are "comfortable in their own skin...."

It's like they have these massaging waves of comforting energy wafting out of them that affirm you.   Friendly, balanced, forthright in what they believe in, respectful of other's thoughts and feelings, receptive to listening, kind, aware, keen to learn ......  Sure, they can be spontaneous.  Yes, they can express anger and frustration especially when it has to do with justice.  The thing about someone who would be described as humble is that when they seek justice, they also measure their responses with kindness.  Quietly.  Without showmanship.

Humility..........

Comfortably from the earth.

Balanced in time and place.

Contentment with self.

Confidence in others.

Believes answers may never be found

Embraces the mystery under the cloud of unknowing....

Always barefooted in the sand, walking along the shoreline, living freely in that moment.

Receptive to beauty in all things.

Justice sprinkled with kindness.

May we taste its salty presence from time to time.......

Beach in Souris, PEI, May 2010

where humility met up with a seeker

Summer is here.....So are the Guests!

Drip

Drip

Drip......

SPRAY.........

WHOOOSH!

The fans are blowing throughout the house.  It's not even 8 am and the heat is on.  Today is going to be a scorcher.  Today, I have three guest teens arriving for a couple of days to join Max and I in this bungalow of blazing glory......... two are from Columbia, so I'm not worried about how they can handle this weather.  But, the other youngin' is flying in from Iceland tonight!  Poor kid won't know what hit him! For the next two and a half days, we will be hosting them and helping them acclimatize to our part of Canada.  Look out beaches!  Here we come.

There are approximately 20 teens arriving from all over the world to attend a seminar camp run by the local CISV chapter (Children's International Summer Villages).  It is the same organization that ran the Village Max attended in Costa Rica last January.  But, this one is set up so that the Teens run it on their own.  There will be Mentors with them, but all activities, cooking, team building, interactive sessions, rules, scheduling, consensus building, conflict mediation etc etc..........all the components of group dynamics and living together will be led by the group.  They will be staying out at a local camp in cabins, on a lake......with all the facilities needed for a good time.  However, they won't be entertained, scheduled...... or directly led.  The leading is theirs to grab hold of.  

Because of the different cultures and languages, it will be challenged to figure out effective communication strategies, and their empathy and emotional literacy skills will be tested.  It will be difficult at first..........probably small groups will form based on personality and geographical similarities.  But, I guarantee that within a short amount of time, with the guidance of the CISV Leaders, all of whom have had experience with the organization and in group dynamics in some capacity, they will grow and stretch and learn and mature..........  And they will leave with new perspectives, and an understanding that in the greater scheme of things?  We are all the same under our skin.......below the surface.  Our hearts pump the same.  Our hearts feel the same things.

Sure, there will be personality clashes.... it kind of reminds me of Big Brother, but no one is going to get kicked off the campsite!  Guaranteed there will be a couple of misfits.  Chances are they will have at least one difficult personality in the group that may be suffering through their own homesick issues which may make their behaviour a testing ground for patience.  Let's hope there are a few outgoing ones who stir it up, make them laugh, know how to get along with anyone.  And I really hope for their sake that the chemistry amongst them all is one that enhances their gifts and cradles their weaknesses.  

Originally, I was supposed to have organized this 3 week camp.  But, I had to pull out last fall when I realized things were not great on the homefront and I had taken on enough outside of here to thoroughly tax my waning energy and wonky focus.  I'm grateful I did now, because I wouldn't have been able to lead it like I wanted to.  The timing just wasn't right.  This morning though, as I do the last minute things around the house and head out for a BIG grocery shop, and wonder how in the heck I'm going to keep this house cool enough for 5 hot bodies to live comfortably in until Friday (when the heatwave is supposed to die down!) I wish I was heading to the camp with them to watch the drama unfold.  And to be a part of it all.  

What I will get to observe and be a part of is the before and after.........oh, and a visit in the middle.  

Tomorrow is definately a beach day..............which one is up for grabs?  I'm voting for Parlee Beach.  But, I only have one vote...... so we'll see.   In the meantime, time to don my Hostess with the mostess hat, my camp counsellor enthusiasm, and get a move on!  I may have to teach them a thing or two about waterslides..... Or, I may be the one observing,  standing under the sprinkler cooling off.  Either way, I'll be there, learning too. If you're looking for me...........  Wish me luck.  :) 

tears

Tears find me easily.  They always have.  Stick with me long enough in person and you will see my waterworks.  Sometimes they are so surprising and I stand there, my breath caught in a moment, wondering where they even came from.  Sometimes they are the logical response to a moving situation.  Tears spill out in anger, frustration, in sadness and in complete and utter joy.

Memories can conjure up a good cry, as can a regret.  A moving story, new to me, can generate a pool of salty liquid sitting right on the ledge of my eyes. Deep frustration over a head banging situation has the capacity to alter my demeanor.  I've cried at weddings, concerts, funerals......i've spilled tears over a new baby, over a moving story of determination, when I'm tired and have lost the ability to maintain my sense of independence.  I've cried big whopping tears of joy too with my senses are overwhelmed by the face of beauty.  Put on a song that moves me and I often close my eyes and let the tears leak through............. If I'm misunderstood, and misused time and again, like I was in my previous job, I seem to lose all sense of decorum quickly.  Harrassment does that. 

No matter what kind of tears they are however, their genesis comes from a rush of emotional heat. A harkening sign from my body.  A flushing whoosh of out of control energy invades my logic, my clear head and leaves me feeling like a tiny little girl in need of someone to look at me with a softening understanding.  Its rare that they feel empowering.  Rather, they soak the core of vulnerability and leave you feeling naked......with no guard.  No guard......... Many don't like that feeling.

There are situations when I don't like to be feeling that raw.  It gets in the way of functioning with both oars in the water when you need them most. Crying is a natural reaction, though some people are fearfully uncomfortable either crying themselves or being in the presence of someone else whose feeling so deeply that it pours out and spills down their cheeks. I rarely care about someone else's reaction to my tears though becuase I've learned that I can't control how my tears make them feel.  It's their stuff, not mine. When the streaks come trinkling down their cheeks, I'm fine with it......... how effective would I be as a counsellor if I couldn't accept someone else crying?  Yes, the tissues are plentiful in my office.

Tears communicate both outwardly and inwardly and its the inward stuff I am most interested in because they are such big cues to whatever has been triggered inside.  They find you and send up little rays of light to help you figure out what is happening in your core..... a refreshed irritation moment perhaps?  Grief, loneliness, lost love....this is one side of the gamut of reasons.  Joy, of being understood, of realizing you are loved by another....this is the other side. Grace is often packaged inside a teardrop don't you think?

My list is endless........my tears flow when they need to.  How about you?  Are there certain memories or situatioins you find yourself at a loss ...........at a point where tears find you?  What are your triggers?  And if you don't cry openly, why not?  Where do the tears go if they are turned inward?

And yes, I had a good cry today...............right in the middle of it, leaving me with streaky mascara and a sense of soul fatigue afterwards.  How about you?  Any tears flowing on your end?

time out........

"Ordinary life, be my rock in times of trouble
Get me back on the earth
Put my feet on the ground."

It's been a while since I sequestered myself downstairs in the room I consider my own (and lend out to guests when they visit). I hadn't felt the urge to tuck into this comfort zone. But tonight, it called out. It called out for many reasons, all to do with the warmth you feel when soul rediscovery happens. So, here i am...... surrounded by sweet aroma candlelight, their flames somehow flickering meditatively to the voice of my companion on nights like this..... Van Morrison.

I can feel the silence coming........
Silence coming in hymns soaked in Celtic resonance.
Bred in the bone familiarity touching my own Celtic soul.

There is a beat to his music which conditionally slows me down, and leads me to a place of resting contemplation where I feel my breathing find its safe evenness. When I reach that security, my own emotions reveal themselves. Tonight, I needed to answer the call to this comfort zone, to gather my thoughts, to reflect more deeply than what the typical day allows.

Tonight...... I want to and need to re-coop, refresh, reframe, relax, and restore ....... So, I return to my soundproof, music filled, candle lit, duvet soft room, where the photos remind me of my roots. As soon as I tucked in, the softening began in a blink. The restlessness that was haunting me all evening as I paced with no sense of purpose or direction took a hike. I'm rediscovering my core, which was caught under the gathered layers of others.

I've encountered many overflowing cups these days and nights .....
Cups spilling over with acute feelings of anguish, disbelief, anger, confusion, of creeping depression, sleep deprivation, obsessive thoughts.
Cups in need of repair because they've endured big swipes from startling life gashes.
Cups spilling from the tired trembling hands that are trying so hard to balance it all.
Cups tumbling over, splashing crisis after crisis onto the floor.....

Stories and secrets unraveled with me right there to listen to, to sit beside, to try to understand, to store in confidence as promised.
As promised.....
Stories sometimes revealed in big immediate bursts, some in convoluted contortions, some in half formed thoughts and in words not worthy enough to describe the fullness of the tearful trauma.

Secrets held in with such vice grip tightness because the idea of revealing them brought red cheeked shame, or blotchy neck rash guilt were finally allowed to spill out in messy humanness.

I've realized that the type of counselling I'm best at is the crisis stuff. At the time when I was really grovelling in a ruminative navel gazing way over whether or not I wanted to continue counselling as a career, I kept stubbing my toe on the whole topic because I was only seeing the side of the field that pertains to therapy....long term, client caseload therapy.

Not for me! No. What I need is to be in the middle of the melee..... to be out in the corridors connecting, directing, listening, guiding, encouraging, hugging.... to be in my office deeply listening, problem solving, asking questions, delving into the soul crevasses, and mentoring someone to learn how to take their own lead. This is the type of counselling I'm involved, and it completely suits my personality. Its intense. Its fast paced. It requires complete rapt attention while in the moment. Rewarding beyond words, connecting through counselling is massively transformative.... for both of us.

It's tiring too. But in a really really good way.

I've encountered many overflowing cups these days and every single time I have been given the opportunity to connect with another person on a level not many have the chance to. In order to keep at it, however, I need to be aware of when it is time to sequester myself in my comfort zone.

so here I am..... drinking deeply again, sitting in the silence soaked in celtic resonance. "By his grace, by his grace...."

time for sleep................................

new love

Today I held a three day old beautiful baby girl named Anna. Sweet Anna. Such tiny perfection cradled in my arms. She is the daughter of my friend's daughter. First child, first grandchild. New love in heaps and heaps......

I offered to stop in to help the brand new Mom, stressed and exhausted from the whole birthing process, but mostly from how she was treated in the hospital. Her immediate concern was her perceived inability to nurse Anna. She had no reservoir of confidence left. Everything is new and everything feels uncomfortable.....physically and emotionally. After being bullied by the breastfeeding Nurse Nazis, with their holier than thou attitudes about nursing versus bottle feeding and their abrupt dismissive behaviour, this new Mom didn't think she could do it. She didn't believe she had the "goods" to keep her daughter fed properly. It leaves me wondering, not for the first time, if they have FORGOTTEN just how strange and new it feels right after you've had your first baby. Shame on them!

Tired and sore, she was ready to give up and most of this was due to how these nursing Nazis treated her. How sad, when she is so keen to make it work. Her milk only just came in today. This is new......... and yet she was feeling like a failure because she was left with confusion, and many many questions that we all have when babies take over our lives. All normal stuff and worries, exacerbated by a health system that is pathetically understaffed and overworked and cranky!!!!!

Certainly there is a strong sense of maternal intuition that kicks in after you give birth. I felt it myself the first night the nurses brought Martha to me, all swaddled with her little lips pursed, ready to be fed. As much as I was terrified of the daunting responsibility ahead of me, I fell in love that night which kicked in my desire to interact with my new baby. A washing softening bathed me in this feeling. I asked Anna's Mom how she felt, and she described a similar feeling.

Most of what we do, however and how we approach our role as a parent is, in my opinion learned through our own connections. Luckily this Mom and babe have a many loving people in their lives who will support her as they learn together. They are surrounded by healthy connections and interactions. We are social beings.... and we need to recognize that we all need help. Life's events, life's lessons are overwhelming if we feel inadequate starting out!

In my arms, Anna turned her head and began rooting as she sought out sustenance. I showed the new Mom how to best to hold Anna in order to have her latch on properly. It took two tries and they were off to the races. Relief came instantly for both of them. While Anna was nursing....the questions tumbled out in a hurry...... and I did my best to answer them, while emphasizing how the whole bonding thing is really learn how to "dance" with a new being in our lives. I watched the loveliness of the scene with a lump in my throat. It was so beautiful. They were so beautiful together....

I reassured her (I think) by dismissing all of the silly breastfeeding myths.... (ie.... If you give your baby a bottle, they won't feed from the breast! OR you can't give your baby formula and breastfeed at the same time! OR make sure you put the baby on a feeding routine right away and don't feed them in between feeding times!) Why these puritans put the fear of God into new mothers is beyond me except they have become blinded by their chosen passion. The amount of judgement dished out by these people and the impatient nurses is beyond my comprehension. Every new mother is nervous. Every new mother wants to provide, protect, try their best.

The connection between a mother and a baby is unique to the two human beings intimately involved. And like any new relationship, it needs time to grow. Tonight, I think of the two of them learning how to figure it out together........ There will be frustrations and even tears from both of them. But, they will figure it out..... a new dance has begun.... bless them both.

Today, I held a three day old baby. A tiny perfect little miracle in my arms. You can't say that everyday. Wish I could...... wish I could.

our own skin

So much of what we learn is through imitation.
So much of what we want is to be just like another.
So much of what we yearn for is to be accepted.
So much of what we do is to feel we're understood.
So much of what we need is to know we belong.
So much of our actions are to show someone we exist.
So much of what we share of ourselves is to try to give love.
So much of what we cry out for is a chance to be loved.

Let much of what we do and learn be with gusto.
Let much of what we do and learn lead us to a sense of belonging and affirmation.
Let much of what we do and learn allow us to offer this feeling to others.
Let much of what we do and learn lead us to that place where we find comfort in our own skin.

monday morning chuckle

What all the ladies are asking for this Christmas.

We watched this Saturday Night Live video on Friday night and cracked right up. It's good to know Mr. Timberlake can spoof himself.

There's another video too I was trying to find, the classic Alec Baldwin skit with Molly Shannen. It's not on Youtube, but will keep looking for it.

Oh, and I learned a new word this weekend.......thanks to my lovely friend Helen.

Manscaping. I hear it's all the rage. Don't quite understand why, but I think it has to do with what exactly?? Is it organic?? It worries me that we may have a global wax shortage if we aren't careful. Anyone out there know anything about this phenom?

survival.

"Our real journey in this life is interior; it is a matter of growth, deepening, and of an ever greater surrender to the creative action of love and grace in our hearts. Never is it more necessary for us to respond to that action." Thomas Merton.

Last Friday, I spent most of the afternoon sitting with a woman in her kitchen. She was only 7 years older than me but she looked as old as the hills. Confined to her apartment because of a weak heart and a severe pulmonary disorder, she was also hooked up to an oxygen feed...........a long tube attached to a tank that was hooked under her nose providing constant air. A year ago, her whole respiratory and circulatory systems seized. She was told by the ER doctor when she finally made her way to the hospital after a couple of months of denial and coping with symptoms that would've left most of us on the side of the road, that she wouldn't make it through the day. She was told she was dying and they couldn't save what was left of her lungs. They were too damaged. She'd be dead by dinner so she better make arrangements for her family to join her there so they could say goodbye.

Can you imagine? How appalling is that?

The lack of empathy and complete absence of any form of proper bedside manner by the attending respiratory specialist left her with bitter determination to prove him wrong. This feisty woman told him too in big florid language while laying on a gurney, hooked up to machinery. Every day that she was hospitalized, she reminded him that she had more living to do and she wasn't ready to die.

A year later, she lives the fullest extent as she can given her confinement and her serious health issues. Last winter, she was not allowed to leave her apartment at all because she wouldn't be able to handle the cold air. So, from the day she arrived home last October until March 14th, she remained cloistered and dependent on her family to run errands. Her family doctor was a phone call away and made sure that her prescriptions were covered and delivered. She has never seen the specialist again and has no intention to.

Her life sentence is just that. During our conversation, she openly expressed her anger and grief over her loss of independence, but she was also quick to throw in the dark humour only someone who's struggled even on her good days. This is a woman whose hard life has been one huge struggle.........poverty and abuse as a child living in a distant rural area, minimal educaton because she was forced to go to work at age 14 to help pay the bills and her father's drinking habit, an abusive marriage. As a mother of 4 young children she found the strength to leave the violence behind and go out on her own. She single handedly raised 4 children, all of whom completed school..........2 who went onto post high school training. They all work now and have families of their own. She did this working two minimum wage jobs....."stealing from Peter to pay Paul.........and sometimes putting the two of them off for a month and hoping somehow the bills would get paid...."

There was never time to look beyond the day she was living. The future is a luxury when one is trying to find a way to get through another day. Ironically, most of us are trying to LEARN how to do this..........to live in the moment and embrace the moment etc, and for someone living the suffering, this is reality, not something to learn from some Budhist flavoured how to book. And it's because she has weathered many storms she's able to cope with the drastic changes to her lifestyle. Now, recognizing that she needed to mourn her old life and move on, this scrappy determined woman redefined her perception of independence. It's all a state of mind.

Last March 14th, when the weather was warm enough, she extended the tube length of her oxygen lifeline so it was long enough to leave her apartment, in order to walk down a small flight of stairs and out the back door to the outdoors, in order to walk down another flight of stairs to the laundry room, in order to visit her neighbours, to get her mail, and to greet her grandchildren at the front door when they come to spend the weekend with their grandma.

How has she been able to do this? Where does she get this positive outlook? I asked her many questions along these lines...............her answer?? In a nutshell........The act of loving and the feeling of belonging play a major role as does her attitude and decision not to fight destiny.........just go with it. This woman's journey is internal which is a much longer and broader journey than any external one. Independence is a state of mind. You can be completely dependent on others for your well being, but if you can maintain some level of empowerment, the feeling of independence continues to be reinforced. It's all in how you view life looking from the outside in. Oh, and humour......and lots of it.

I don't know if I could be so optimistic and brave to face mortality head on. I don't know if I could live with such confinement without succumbing to depression. Where does one find such faith and hope in the face of having no real control over the future?

the spot

Is it the process of creativity where we learn to seek out the boundaries and then to cross over them? What if we all stopped at the very idea that what we want we cannot have? What happens if we simply accept these otherly proposed boundaries as the unchallenged status quo rather than to challenge the very line drawn in the dirt?

Swallow hard. Don't allow any drop of conformity escape to join a variation on the rules. Stay within what is acceptable. Don't thrust your unique thoughts onto rigidity. Performing through conforming, where all sing from the same songbook, where all speak the same words, where all ask for the same thing on the life menu........seems cult-like doesn't it, or at the very least a middle school mentality at living life? A missionary position with no creativity stretching allowed?

I want to leap outside this structural window when everyone's looking and begin to paint the outside of the structural boundaries in shades of blue, in streaks of orange.........I want to take my bright red magic marker and write boldly in big loopy passion. I want to run freely on the outside of the boundaries to slurp up the cherry sweet juices to feed my imagination. I want to be the one to push deeper into the wildness where fear teases and tickles all of my sensations so I can feel more alive. I can do that freely in my writing.......in my creative process.

Can I transfer it to life? Can I be that bold?

Boundaries have meaning..........and are all twisted up in a set of long held rules of conformity. We live and worship in a world which foists a heavy hand holding the conscripted orders that are seen as "good for us........" Some are realistic.........they are for our own good. But others? Untolerable, unacceptable...........challengeable.

We need to be open to manifesting our imaginations as the way to seek out the moments where one yells out for more, where one feels the pleasure of the frontier.........the open fields where love yearns to be consumed. Creativity has the capacity to push the boundaries beyond what is considered "meant to be" to a place where we begin to consider "what can be....." It is there where heightened stirrings fill us with what you are looking for.

It's all in how you see it in your imagination. It's all in finding the field to romp in.

whimsy

The best toys are the ones which allow us to vibrate with creative juices that flow happily onto the canvas of our lives. A heightened awareness, a turning on of possibilities..........a motivator to generate open expression of passion. Toys can offer the avenue to share some fun through interacting and focusing on open ended excitement. Even the most staid looking invention that seems to have only a one speed kind of function can be altered simply by using one's imagination.....by feeding our thought horizons with some whimsy. Turn on the imagination, and let whimsy be the guide.

When I was a child, I remember playing in the tall grass and fallen leaves at the back of the yard near the creek. At first glance, the area didn't look like it had any potential for whimsical adventures. And yet, we played back there for hours raking up the leaves and stomping down the grass to form rooms in a make believe home...........designing a sacred place where we acted out various scenarios.......playing house, playing school.............acting, plotting, planning.....just having fun.

Have you ever watched a young child on Christmas morning after the presents have been opened? There they are surrounded by dust collecting huggable toys or battery operated thing-a-ma-jigs......stuff they wanted even.........and yet they are more fascinated by the boxes?? Did you ever have a chance to play in a LARGE box that used to hold an appliance? Sure it was fun for a while to turn it into a hiding place, but then it became a tool for open ended ideas. The ends were opened up. Some windows were carved out of the side. Sometimes the exterior was painted or drawn up. It became a house, a tunnel, a slide.............whimsy was the culprit. Whimsy breaks open the possibilities.

As adults, we seem to suffocate our whimsy to a large extent. It's not something usually invited to big important grown up meetings. It's not allowed to attend serious performances as an audience member. Churches aren't too big on allowing whimsy to take a seat in the pew.....too darn unpredictable. And when unpredictable whimsy alights, well...................people get scared of what may happen, of being embarrassed by it's delightful nature.

Whimsy is an oddfellow.............and yet we suck up it's sweetness when we can let go and be creative beings. We welcome it into our lives when we need an outlet, when we have acquired a new idea seed to enlighten our passions. Personally, I keep whimsy close by because I love how it stirs me into new worlds of creativity. I love finding another seeker of whimsy as well because it's meant to be shared............a delightful alight.......... Yes, whimsy performs best outside of the box, away from institutional thinking and structures where liturgy is expected to remain rigid and unmoving. She likes wide open spaces best.

Any creative open-ended project, plan, approach needs someone to step outside of their world and their thinking in order to let the possibilities churn. If that someone can find themselves out in their own margins of thinking, they will be warmly welcomed by whimsy.....a bright colourful animator of fun who loves to shake things up a bit. And on this Sunday morning as I contemplate the importance of illogical, spontaneous, colourful whimsy as the catalyst of creation, I'm thinking that perhaps God is her strongest advocate.

Look around!! Do you think He would've been able to create the endless beauty we have around us if He wasn't a whimsy believer? No way! In fact, I wouldn't hesitate to suggest that not only did God call upon whimsy as his interior and exterior decorator, He thoroughly enjoyed learning how to colour outside of the margins.

Whimsy is our best friend and will continue to be loyal as long as you recognize her need to be included in colouring our lives. Take her on.....show her off! Wear her with pride...........let her paint the canvas of your life....

batteries and any foreseen shyness are not included........anyone for pole dancing? I hear theres a Princess out there willing to show us how! All as a means for good wholesome exercise of course. Oh, and when she visited me lately, she informed me of a whimsical new game to play with firefighters....i've heard of lawn darts.........but arse darts? I love her whimsy side.

Hey Princess? Can I wear my new leggings pole dancing? It would make me feel sarahdipitous no doubt.

entitlement

A sense of entitlement describes the outrageous behaviour of an individual who believes they are better than others, and who believes they deserve preferential treatment. They are "owed," and they want their "payment" NOW. Nothing is good enough. Nothing lives up to their high weird and whacky standards. Whatever you try to do is not enough for them and even if it is, there is rarely a thank you, or recognition of the deed done. WHY? Because it was expected! Demanded! It was rightfully THEIRS!

Empathy is not in the cards. Instead, an "entitled" person believes that the whole wide world should bow down to them because they are so darn special. Don't you want to spend some time with one of these folks? Have you spent time with one of them? You'd know it, because you'd remember what it felt like......similar to hammering your finger over and over again..........similar to banging your head on the door 10 times until you realize there is no way of pleasing. It's an endless pit of demands and twisted rationale. It is the root of narcism.

Where does it come from? Why do some people make an art of this? How is it that there are some individuals who grow up to believe they truly are princesses or princes?


The development of entitlement, as I see it (and please jump in here anytime..........I certainly don't own the rights to this one!! :) ) has two distinct paths.......the Princess path, and the Pauper path.



The Princess path is lined with soft petal roses, whose thorns have been lovingly and carefully removed to avoid any prickly pain. Servants, as known as parents and other family members carry the princess down the path because they feel it necessary that she never roughen the bottoms of her sweet smelling pedicured feet. Whatever she wants, she gets. Whenever a dilemma happens in her life, it's fixed. Whoever she wants to be friends with, it's arranged. If a nasty troll disguised as a teacher or another authority figure makes an attempt to teach how to THINK for herself and be RESPONSIBLE for her own actions, the Parents come swooping down to lodge formal harrassment complaints.


Whatever she does, she gets applause. Whatever she gets into, she gets saved. Who needs to learn to think for yourself when you think you're better than everyone else?

By the time the Princess (and please insert Prince in here too), she is out of control and unable to figure out a more complicated life on her own. She doesn't have the life tools to be able to do so. As well, in the back of her mind, she is allowed to do anything because permissiveness was the choice of discipline all along. Drugs, sex, overspending, lack of focus in school, trips, and always THE best in everything...........it's all a part of the entitled picture. It's a ME, ME, ME world............and there's no room for anyone else. Can you see how the whole idea of empathy is completely missed in the learning?

We are raising many princes and princess out there and we are giving them the keys to drive solo without the accompanying coping and critical thinking skills. Our society is creating a narcisstic group of individuals who have the inability to see others as equals.............they are getting away with treating others with complete disdain and disrespect. There is no respect for authority, nor anyone who may want to help. They are better than everyone, and NO one is more interesting than they are. They should have their own talk show.

The other side of the entitlement coin is the Pauper........ These tykes were often physically, emotionally and/or spiritually abandoned. They are always trying to please and to be heard and to chalk up the rewards they have missed growing up. Abandonment is a seriously debilitating way of being which impacts choices made in adulthood. More importantly, it etches out a series of inner turmoil which sinks someone into a sense of being unloved. The more unloved a person feels, the more their actions and behaviour cries out the need to be loved. Consequently, their journey, their path is littered with attempts at grasping for love......in all wrong places and with all the wrong people. Their actions and thoughts turn them from human beings to human doings. Somewhere along that path, they have stepped into defining themselves as unloved and abandoned. They wear these labels on their sleeves.

Abandonment comes in many forms and is derived from different angles. A detachment from caregivers, alcoholism in the family, foster home hopping leading to late adoption, experiencing death early in life, trauma, abuse that wasn't recognized, acknowledged and dealt with by a trusting someone...... .......being told you were never wanted over and over and over again ..... .....always feeling like a misfit in one's own family..... .......inconsistency in messages given to you when you were young...........all of this feeds a sense of abandonment, which eventually leads to a sense of entitlement as a way of coping, and not coping well.

Heartbreak........too much of it makes one feel rejected and abandoned.

Revenge, anger, sometimes rage kicks in. Self mutilation, self hatred, self-destruction are key reactions. Confusion as to who they really are....... belief that they are so wounded and broken smears the landscape and soaks into their skin. Who could love them? What is real unconditional love? Their perspectives are skewed. Their abandonment feelings turn into painful shame. And shame, when it has permeated the soul is a strong virus to eradicate. It becomes a true self fulfilling prophecy..............living up to the messages taken in as a kid.

Paupers turn to others to fulfill their need to be loved and their need to belong, but they have a tough time settling. Addictions is all the forms are rampant. Princesses are the same. Nothing is good enough for them though. What is interesting with both the Princesses and the Paupers is that even though they arrived at a point in their lives called adulthood from different paths, their behaviour looks the same. There may be different tactics, and different expectations, but their behaviour is the same.

Entitlement seems to be all pervasive these days...........or maybe I'm just seeing it more because I've been thinking about it and talking about it more often. I have no answers except to help the Princesses get their feet dirty and to help them learn to use their own brains and be confident that they can make sound decisions. They somehow need to be reprogrammed to realize that they have to rely on themselves (AND THAT THEY CAN!!), that real life doesn't have that knight in shining armour who will rescue. Maybe they need a chance to be thrown into the woods with a couple of matches and a sleeping bag for a bit............ :)

The Paupers?..........many of whom I meet as adults and I wonder if they are just too damaged to heal, or perhaps their behaviour has gone beyond the law? Sometimes, my approach is to see at least if the next generation can be lifted up and out of this stew? What I try to do it to help them become aware of what is affecting the decisions they make, and then encourage them to keep in touch, and to surround themselves with people who will support them in a healthy way. Long term counselling is needed here in order to help guide them into believing in themselves.....into really believing they are gifts from God. They have much to offer in this world of ours......if we can just help them overcome the overwhelming sense of uselessness.

As I think about it while I write this, our approach in helping these individuals may be the same They both need structure, rules, and acceptance. They both need to learn HOW to care for themselves and the importance of looking out for others. They need to hear other stories of other people who have triumphed over a sense of entitlement. They also BOTH need to know and understand the whole concept of unconditional love, because it seems as though with both the Princesses and the Paupers, there are nasty strings attached.

Check this song out..........it's the one which comes to mind.

fear of the known and unknown, and everything in between

searching out new horizons

It's a whole new ballgame as my daughter attempts to figure out the chaotic order of high school and I try to figure out how best to support her and how NOT to freak out everytime I start thinking too much about the blackboard jungle she has just entered.

Though it feels a little bit like it did when she started kindergarten.....the uneasines of letting go in order to support her independence, trusting the "system" to look after her when you aren't personally part of the system at the beginning, feeling strange not being there to care for her when she may need me.......high school is a bigger much scarier place. We are off to a rousing start. Her first two days, she came home with a look of a deer caught in the headlights and promptly crashed in her bed EARLY after spilling her thoughts of the chaos and newness and not knowing where to go or how to get there......

Since then? She has found her sense of direction and her confidence to figure it out.......it's alright to stumble along......everyone else is in the same boat. This helps.

This morning, while eating breakfast, she was telling me about the boy who sits next to her in her Math class.........a class she describes as having every "druggie" from the two middle schools and the ones who are repeating Math because they slept through the first round in attendance (excuse me, but WHY didn't the middle schools and the high schools share information on these kids and not put them in the same class? How fair is that for everyone involved, including the young new teacher??). She explained that this kid normally has a grimace on his face and isn't friendly but he has chosen to talk to her. He tells her that his cousin just started at the school and how glad he is to have him around.

Martha: "That's nice. What grade is he in?" (she's thinking this cousin just moved to town)

Classmate: "He's in Grade 10, but he's 19. He just got out of jail."

Now, my daughter isn't naive........not with her Mom working in social services and her Dad on the board of directors for the Community kitchen. More importantly, she's inherently intuitive, well aware of the difference in the lives of the people who live in and around our neighbourhood. However, she found this statement bizarre because of the delivery and was laughing when she told me, mostly because it was delivered by her classmate like it was a natural process.......cousins are sent to jail regularly.

It took every ounce of self-restraint not to ask a million questions about this kid, about her class, not to give her a hysterical lecture on the evil lurking drugworld, not to find an immunization to ward off any future commiserations with this crowd.

Me: "Wow........it sounds like he told you this like is was a normal thing.....like his cousin just moved here from Halifax or something."

Martha: "Yeah, I know. He's a nice guy............"

ACK! (Now.....don't lecture me......I know how judgemental my admitted response is.....I don't even know the kid. It's a motherly gut reaction here, not a rational one)

When I share the conversation with my husband after Martha leaves to catch the bus......his reply shaking his head......"I'm having a tough time thinking she's going to her first high school dance tonight........" Poor Dad. He's dealing with his own high school past and present demons!

Everything is new for my daughter this year........like every kid entering the world of high school. New building, new routine, new activities, new responsibilities, learning that you're basically on your own finding your way from one class to another........new people, more people. And if I let my mind wander, back to my years at high school and into my own knowledge pool of past and present, I might as well sit down and begin drooling out of fear.

Dating, sex, drug and alcohol experimentation, testing the waters, learning how to drive, figuring out a career path, exams, friends going through their own difficult stuff, moral development, disappointment, heartache, joy and excitement, successes, new relationships, global issues, taking risks.....these are all expected, anticipated, needed in order for an adolescent to define their direction, to seek out their own belief system, to make decisions which will impact the rest of their lives. Not any different than when we were in high school. What is different are the other threats..........bomb threats, violence, a much bigger barrage of information and knowledge of issues out there in the big old mean world.

High schools used to feel more safe to learn the ropes. Now, it seems like a disconnected community all unto itself. I have to learn to trust this new system.

And yet.................a 16 year old student is stabbed to death at a Toronto school this week. I just read on another blog site that 25 students were busted on drug charges at Oromocto High School yesterday and it wasn't even reported in the mainstream news.........I read it on a friend's blog! He would be well aware of this event given that he's over at that school on a daily basis. Last spring, 3 separate bomb threats rocked the other high school in town.

There's no GPS for high school. Wits, critical thinking, good sound judgement, knowing what risks are good risks, having a strong foundation built on faith and values are so needed, as are a clear sense of belonging, a supportive family, and a positive assessment of self. Knowing how to react, how to assess, what to observe, what to share, when to seek help, when to ask questions, when to duck............are these skills being taught in our younger grades? Are our kids learning these important lessons from their families? No, not universally........... and boy is it needed!!

So...........it's a whole new ballgame for all of us. Communication is key.......encouraging analysis of what has been experienced, observed, and taught is where we will focus our support. In no way do I want to clip my daughter's wings. I trust her implicitly. What I don't trust are the demons lurking in the halls of high school AND my reaction to them. I guess what I want help in is trying to figure out how to help her find the right windstream so she will continue to soar.

down the path..........

And it is still true,

no matter how old you are,

when you go out into the world

it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Robert Fulghum

When was the last time you had a whole week in front of you that was all new learning, when everything was new to you? New routine, new experiences, new people, new surroundings, new opportunities......new, new, new....? It doesn't happen very often does it? Our lives are for the most part routine, staying within the lines of the known with a few dabbles here and there of new learning where we stretch out to dip our toe in the stream of discomfort. It takes a move or trip or a job change or a loss or a major change in our lives to foist us into NEW.

And what accompanies NEW? Different levels of anxiety are present, and depending on the event our nervousness seeps into our bellies filling them with butterflies and growls. Excitement too is a form of heightened alertness....same adrenaline bursts as anxiety I think. Curiosity, motivation, hesitancy, wonder, fear, grief, joy, sorrow and lots and lots of questions......expressed openly or not....depending on the situation.

NEW learning............takes us down paths that may have been trodden by others before us, but are not trodden by us......and it always leaves us changed. New learning is change, no matter how intense the feelings...........it starts a chain of events..........

This is where my thinking is tonight. See the accompanying picture? Right down that path is a little cabin with 8 boys nestled in for the night with their camp counsellors. One of the boys is my son, who is in for a whole week of NEW. Today, we dropped him off at a sleepover camp for his first foray. Being the youngest in this family, he hasn't had as many opportunities to do something independent of his big sister or of his Mom and Dad. Even when he went off to kindergarten, his sister and her friends were there to greet him. So, today my son has begun a week of new learning. And I'm thinking that I've got some of that ahead of me too because his changes impact changes in me as I come to a different level of accepting that he is growing up independent of me and his Dad.

This isn't a new concept. Many have walked this path before us. However, the path is new to us. Familiar in some respects........

Robert Fulghum first became famous for his book entitled, "Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten." It was a clever and charming anecdotal book about the important lessons in life..........about sharing and being kind to others. I thought of the book today, knowing these life lessons are also relearned at summer camp when you're sharing space with a group of others you aren't related to.

These are also life lessons we all try to instill in our children to nurture their openness to others....to be thoughtful and empathic, to be expressive in their wants and needs, to look out for others. It seems to me this is the foundation needed to be self-confident in order to take strides into unchartered territory knowing you can rely yourself. Every new learning, whether it happens when you are 9 or 90, provides a chance to test our personal questions..........."Can I?" "Do I?" "Will I?" And I guess the key is to know that any new learning is linked to all the other building blocks accumulated in life. First time tries for young ones we hope are successful because they will encourage future risk taking. Knowing and and feeling this way, I hope this week for him is triumphant because it can lead to so many other unchartered paths that one day he will want to try.

So, I sit here tonight, feeling a bit of a mess...........more of a mess than I had expected as I realize my little boy, who fills this house with his presence, is off for a week of NEW without us.

I should be comforted by the knowledge that he has many tools in his life toolbox already.....some he's accumulated on his own figuring stuff out, and some we have provided for him. I should be comforted in knowing that he will be experiencing many of the same life lessons I learned at the very same age at camp. It does help, believe me, but it also makes my reaction all the more surprising. I know he will be safe and cared for...........that's not what seems to be twisting inside me. And I don't clearly know what it is. But the pangs are sharp and cannot be ignored. I guess that's what my own learning this week will help me clarify and hopefully will guide me in accepting change. It's all a part of growing up.......for me and for him.

If I have two wishes this week......please let him have the best time of his life.....and let me accept the growing up bit.