Anthem

even a beautiful harbour needs a sanctuary...especially at twilight




The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again I heard them say
Don't dwell on what has passed away
or what is yet to be.

Ah the wars
they will be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold and bought again
the dove is never free.

Ring the bells
that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.



We asked for signs
the signs were sent:
the birth betrayed
the marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
of every government --
signs for all to see.

I can't run no more
with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud.
But they've summoned,
they've summoned up a thundercloud
and they're going to hear from me.

Ring the bells that still can ring ...
You can add up the parts
but you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum Every heart,
every heart to love
will come but like a refugee.



Ring the bells
that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack,
a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.



Ring the bells
that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack,
a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.



Leonard Cohen

Sometimes we see cracks as simply brokenness.........maybe we need to see cracks in a different light...........

zippiteee doooo dahhhh.........zippiteeee day....

Yesterday, I took two dudes to the abandoned waterslide park near my home. Well, it seemed abandoned since we shared it with only a few little people. These narly risk takers spent the whole afternoon racing one another..........well, they did take time out to race me a couple of times. I won. Not that i wanted to spoil their budding self-esteems.........it's a known fact that 46 year old mammas go much faster down a waterslide than skinny little 9 year old runts. I think Einstein calculated this law of gravity. Here are some pics..........

on your mark.....

prepare for landing

All systems are drenched

touchdown!!

Lots of smiles yesterday.........especially when they stood to watch me hit the pool. Fortunately there are no photos of me!! I'm convinced that there is not an elegant way to hit the water after hurdling down a water slide, though I'm happy to report that I didn't embarrass them with my flailing and yelps, and I discreetly waited to stuff myself back into my bathing suit when they weren't looking. As for the lifeguards......all 17 years old and looking like it? Well, I think they were laughing at my expense. Ah well! Glad I could be of some service.

Now that we've tackled Woolastook Park...............we're ready for Magic Mountain in Moncton and then off to Shining Waters in Cavendish!!! It's a waterslide kind of summer. Hey, I'm there.

understanding and trying to figure it out

cloud view from the Burton Bridge

If you cross the Saint John river over the Burton Bridge, you will find yourself very close to CFB Base Gagetown, home to many Canadian military men and women, over a thousand of whom are stationed in Afghanistan, and many more who are preparing to take their turn in the coming year. In the area surrounding the base.....in small close-knit communities like Burton, Lincoln, Geary, Sheffied, Maugerville, and in larger centres like Oromocto and Fredericton military families live and work and pray for the safety of their loved ones.

Like all close knit communities, the immediate families are surrounded by extended families which include relatives but also a much wider net of caring and concerned people who are their friends and neighbours. Because of the longstanding history of the base, many people who live in the area settled in after their tours of duty. The ties to the Canadian Armed Forces are strong. Feelings and commitment run deep, and spread out to touch the hearts of others in the area who may not have a loved one fighting over in Afghanistan, but feel a sense of fellowship because our lives are intertwined.

Classmates, workmates, encounters at the local Tim Hortons.

Friends, neighbours, connections with the people selling goods and produce at the Saturday market.

University of New Brunswick is the Centre for Conflict Studies. The History department has a strong focus on military history.

We are a community with a strong military commitment and a deep sense of pride because of it.

Red is the colour worn on Fridays.

Yellow "support the troops" ribbons adorn the backs of most cars, and are wrapped around many trees. Unlike Toronto where there is an ongoing debate over whether or not to show support the troops......it's a way of life here. It is respected.

I didn't grow up in the area, nor did I grow up near an armed forces base. I also grew up at a time when patriotism shown through a strong military need wasn't even on the radar in my hometown. It was very foreign to me, and admitedly still is to some extent. I have no family ties to CFB Gagetown, past or present. Living in and amongst military families and friends who are impacted directly by the Base, I have had the privilege of learning from them.

There is a definate heightened feeling of anxiety and alertness to what is going on in Afghanistan and other hot spots around the world because it is a way of life. It impacts directly. It is not something we can keep from the kids, as you could in areas not connected to an army or air force or naval base. They hear the news...........whether it's a tragic story or an upcoming rally to support the troops and they want to know. They have friends whose Mom or Dads are in the military. Its a way of life and it must be discussed......communication has to remain open in order to help them understand.

Yesterday, we (including the children) learned of 6 more soldiers killed in Afghanistan by a roadside bomb. I could see it in my children's eyes as the reality was broadcasted on the car radio.......

"Are the soldiers from here?"

"I don't know yet. The families are informed first before the names are released to the public."

"Why do they do that? How do they tell them?"

"It shows respect to the families so they can have some private time. The military try to contact them by going to their homes to tell them in person."

"So, all the families across Canada are waiting wondering if it is their Mom or Dad? I can't imagine how they must be feeling right now....."

"It would be very very difficult. I can't imagine either."

Yesterday, we learned of 6 more soldiers killed in Afghanistan by a roadside bomb. Media and spin bureaucrats talk of the attack as a terrorist attack rather than war related. What does that mean? Terrorism is war. And unfortunately, terrorism knows no geographic boundaries. How does one try to explain this to a child?

where poppies grow

Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind;

And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;

It tolls for thee.

John Donne

Devotions

Dedicated to the 6 Canadian soldiers who were killed by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan yesterday. May they rest in peace.

wake up..........again.............

The latest foiled terrorism attacks by the Muslim al-Quaeda gang members surely has raised the fear level throughout the world. The fact that these terrorists are all from the medical community forces us to question the stereotypical profile we have been fed through the main stream media stories and the politician's speeches. Having stated that, I do believe we are at fault too.....we want to believe in the sense that these suicide bombers are downtrodden. It helps us make sense of it, and it helps us walk away from the responsibility of doing something about it.

There was a feeling of pity for the poor souls who had been brought up in poverty, with no upward career possibilities as a way of understanding the motives behind the bombings around the world. This in turn most likely affected the approach governments and do-gooders have been taking to try to assuage the Muslim community to feeling "connected" to the bigger community. As well, it minimalized the severity of the hatred and the drive behind a much larger Muslim group.

Where and when did we forget that the 9-11 attackers were educated people as well? When did we begin to focus on just the so-called marginalized Muslims? When did we pigeon-hole the "typical" potential al-Quaeda suicide bomber as a wayward kid in search of life meaning? This is a major wake up call. We should never be so stupid again to think that Islamic extremists fit into a one size fits all mold. The level of hatred and devotion to their cause goes deep.....much deeper than we have ever given them credit for. Educated people living in our communities ARE involved. They always have been.

Where this will end? I surely don't know. What I do know and fear greatly is that we are a very long way from any resolution whatsoever. The recent calls for the moderate Muslims to come forward to lead seems very hollow right now as I can't quite get my head around the idea that moderation is understood or embraced the way I define it. Yes, we need to carry on and live our lives. But, I find this process more and more difficult as my trust of government and the power people decreases and my doubt of the idea of a Moderate Muslim increases.

No country is safe. That's the fact. And as much as we carry on living our little lives, our world continues to spew violence, hatred and craziness so much so that we are learning to always look at our neighbours with very different eyes. I hate it, but that's our reality.

spreading the lurve............

snippet of my garden

care to sit with me to share a bottle of wine?

Hey bloggie friends.......!!

I have learned (finally) how to add links to my sidebar. If your blog isn't there yet, I will be adding more as the week slides by. In the meantime, please check out a new to you blog. We are an eclectic bunch, we are, we are.

When I was young, I had many penpals. I loved to write letters and I loved receiving them. It was nothing to write 10 letters a week to camp friends mostly and friends met through family travels. More days than not, I would arrive home from school to find a couple of letters sitting waiting for me. One in particular was a girl my age who lived in Hong Kong. She was a "foster child" of a friend of my parents. Chuk Ling and and I wrote to one another for several years....in fact all through high school. Then, we just went our separate ways off to University and we lost touch, as I did with most of my penpals. But we shared a great deal of our lives and dreams. I learned so much about her and her life on the other side of planet earth. I do wonder what ever happened to her.

Years went by when I would only keep in touch with people through Christmas cards. Writing basically dried up. It wasn't part of my daily routine, though I missed the letters.

What I have found about blogging and the internet.....about emails and such is that I have found the world of penpals again. It feels the same when I log in and find a comment left on a piece that I've written. It feels great to read something one of you has written which resonates with me......makes me laugh, or stretches my thinking, or makes me want to reach out and touch you. It's the whole penpal thing. It makes me feel like a kid!

Now that I have the link thing figured out............it seems all the more reinforced. Here's to you.........and here's to great ideas, terrific photos and creative sharing.

ps. if and when you do visit a new to you blogsite, please tell them Muskie sent you. :)

random bits.....

beauty from my garden

Kamsin tagged me a week ago asking me to identify 8 random facts about moi. Given that I seem to be an open stream of conciousness......yapping away on this blog ad nauseum, I was kind of stuck.......what can I share on a website that a) I havent already spewed about and b) that I'm comfortable sharing? So, believe it or not..........(canuckguy, I'm particularly thinking of you......) I was a little stumped. Actually, I think I was suffering from overthinkingitis, a dangerous ailment I strive to conquer today.

Let the randomness unravel.................

1. I'm a lefty. No, that doesn't mean politically. I'm a southpaw left handed person living in her right mind, trying to navigate a right handed world. Though I bat and golf right......almost everything I do is in a left handed way. One day, I will write a whole post on this, because believe it or not being left handed has impacted much of how I view the world AND the world is set up for right handedness.

2. I hate flying. Since the terrorism attacks, I hate flying even more. I think this fear has to do with being left handed, oh and not having any control over my destiny while sitting in an uncomfortable seat beside a snoring stranger who needs to bathe while some pilot whom I'm never met, or even seen takes me up into the clouds like this is a normal thing. Too much thinking........ what I try to do when confronted with flying (and this is a must when I have two kids in tow whom I don't want to freak out completely)........I sit back and fantasize my way through the take off and landings...... and no, you will not find out what it is I fantasize about.


3. I can makes the noise of a pig grunting with my throat...... kids love it. So do some grown-ups.



4. If a picture is askew on a wall, I have to fix it before my attention can return to where it should be. This also goes for something that doesn't seem to be in the proper place. I'm not a fussbudgety kind of person normally.......just when it comes to decor and balance. perhaps my left handedness comes with a feng shui option......don't know. I do know it is something I inherited from my mom and have passed the non-askew gene onto my daughter.



5. When I'm teaching, I love to be spontaneous. However, the way to do this AND stay on track is to have done the homework ahead of time. Lesson plans, objectives, outcomes....all the good teaching plans need to be completed. THEN I can head up in front of a group and let it unfold as it will........spontaneous, revealing, sharing, interactive learning.



6. I'm very intuitive. In fact, I know you're reading this right now. Scary, eh?


7. I truly believe in kindred spirits. They are few and far between, which is good because it makes them all the more special. There is a transcendent connectiveness not felt with others in our lives.....and a feeling that you can spill out your inner thoughts and feelings without hesitation. These human beings don't randomly enter your life, though sometimes it appears that way on the surface. Kindred spirits are gifts.



8. I'm on hiatus this week......... just me and Max and our imaginations. Not many plans, some good downtime to clear our heads. Today, we are going to pick strawberries which neither of us has done before. I'm going to teach him how to make jam. I predict he'll be bored out of his mind! I may have to bribe the kid with a trip to the water slide. Since I LOVE waterslides too, this won't be a drag.


oh..........i've thought of many more randoms bits, but will leave those for another day.



Enjoy your day.....and thank you Kamsin. I'm sorry it took me so long. I will leave it up to you to take this activity up if you would like.......or perhaps you could write about one random thing about you and see where it takes you in your own writing..........or not. :)

eh?

Big sky, unassuming flowers.

If you ever hear someone asking if it's alright to fly their national flag because they don't want to appear too showy, you can safely assume you're talking to a Canadian. Though we boast about being able to make love in a canoe, no one in this country has ever had the nerve to try it and then talk about it. I did have a friend who could do a handstand in a canoe and assumed given he could successfully accomplish that feat, he would be a sex in the canoe contender. I wonder if he ever tried? If he has, there is only one other person (unless he has done this many times) in the whole world who would know. I hope she walks around with her little secret smiling and feeling very patriotic.

John Cleese who played an uptight British barrister in A Fish Called Wanda told the outrageously risk taking American thief played by Jamie Lee Curtis that the most embarrassing thing that could happen to a British man is to be caught with his pants down. So, of course when the scene in the movie finally occured, you felt such a deep blushing feeling for the guy. I thought of this scene this morning as I was wondering what the most embarrassing thing would be to happen to a Canuck? And I've come to the conclusion that it is more subtle than that. It has to do with being caught being too ostentatious. Yeah..........if you boast too much, if you brag about your accomplishments, if you flash a lot of jewelry or loudly announce that you've met with heaping success.......watch out. The nasty tsk tsking eye contact will undoubtedly meet you with judgement.

You can get away with wearing a plaid shirt anywhere in this country. But, if you wear plaid pants to go with it? Well...........that's just going too far. If you're going to successfully make love in a canoe.....don't be boasting about it over a case of beer. If you want to wave your flag, wait until the next Olympics when you can blend in with all the other crazy nationalists around the world.....or do it in your bedroom. Pants are optional.

Canadians.........we're proud of not boasting about our pride. How weird is that?

Actually, it's a little more complicated because we are still a country of people who are constantly gazing at our navels wondering who the frig we are.....a pastime as significant as watching Hockey Night in Canada on Saturday nights. Nothing seems to widen the great divide in this polar gap country than the ongoing discussion about what makes us Canadian.......which always seems to lead us to the border to the south of us and beyond. WE know what we arent. But, if some folks had their way, we would have a national inquiry headed up by some retired judge or politician whose mandate it would be to drive from coast to coast to coast discussing everything from beavers to birch bark, from fiddle music to innushuks from grain elevators to sky scrapers from Snowbirds to Mounties.

OMG!! As I'm writing this, on the Canadian Broadcasting Corp Radio 1 news, the first story is an overview of the Canada celebrations happening in our capital. Big celebrations are underway to mark the 140th birthday of this country, and do you know what the premise was of the story? It turns out that we are becoming more openly expressive of our patriotism.....according to the latest poll (i'm not making this up) 57% of us know a family member who owns a Canadian flag. Methinks 42% of them still have the flag folded up in cellophane tucked away on their shelf in their closet. How hilarious that this is polled!!!!

It is true that we are becoming more open with our national pride, and I do believe it's a good thing because my God we are blessed to be living here. It wasn't until I travelled abroad as a young adult that I even thought about my Canadianism. I just was. How this move to know what constitutes our sense of who we are began is most likely up for debate....we like panel discussions.......... it most likely began when Lester B. Pearson approved our flag ....it was helped by Expo '67 in Montreal when the theme song was an anthem about this country sung by little kid voices..........it was jump started by constitutional talks and the signing of the Charter of Rights which of course is still a porcupine quill stuck in the side of some. Prior to those significantly historical events, Canadians quietly went about their business playing the role of peace keepers, trying to help out with our loyalty.

yes, we have symbols............the loon, the mountie, the canoe, the beaver, the Canadian Shield, soap stone carvings, movies that no one wants to watch because they are so dour, comedians we export at a frenetic pace, pop song divas, ..........yes we have songs which stir our emotions (thankfully not sung by the pop song divas)........and we do have a pretty great looking distinctive flag. And for the most part Canadians agree on the symbols.....a consensus on what they mean will never be found, and that's alright. But, I think we need to grow up and get over our fear of being considered gregarious or ostentatious. I think that if one happens to be able to successfully make love in a canoe, one should get their own show on CBC in order to boast about it.

Happy Canada Day...........oooooooowhooooooo! Bring on the sparklers!!

ps.....just so you know? The canoe lovemaking thing? I'm not a kiss and tell kind of person.....sorry..........it's a little canuck quirk i have.

grace and mercy floating all around........

This is a bit long............I couldn't stop myself. Sorry about that :)

Most days I live in a microcosm of the world. Though I am eager and motivated to learn about the many global stories emanating out there, and I do take the time to be aware of as much of it as I can, I find my days are spent mostly one on one.....working with individuals whose lives are focused on their basic needs. It's all they have time and energy for. It's all I have time and energy for. And, it's all that matters when it comes to their needs and my workday, especially in the moment it's happening.

Today was one microcosmic moment after another, with hardly any time to lift my head. I managed to glean the major stories of the day, stopping to shudder at the close call in London where a car bomb was set to explode nails and nastiness through Picadilly..........oh my God........ but honestly, it was enough to stay focused on the issues at hand and on the individuals who met with me to discuss their struggles. This is probably why I'm more inclined to write about the day to day dealings and issues as opposed to my feelings on Islamic terrorism, or the political implications (or lack thereof) of the latest G8 summit, or a million other stories. They interest me and de-mollify my nerves.............I just don't have time to write about it all.

I received a call today in the middle of another meeting from a client whom I have been focusing my attention on almost succinctly for the past two weeks. She was hysterical, to a point where I wondered if she was going to do harm to herself. Ruth and I had met originally to complete a social assessment and her application for a disability certification herself and from there, many other issues sprang forward. This happens a lot which makes these applications take much longer than they are supposed to (God help me if I am asked to justify my time.....though I know one day a number crunching bureaucrat is going to ask to me document my time..........well, we'll deal with that when we get to it.........). During our initial meeting, which by the way took almost a year to orchestrate because of numerous hospitalizations and near misses when I had arranged for a home visit and she would'nt be there for whatever reason, I learned of her living environment as well as her health issues. From there, we have been working together to get her moved out of a place that not only needs to be condemned but had added much to her illnesses.

Ruth has a long list of diagnoses...........Hep C, chronic drug addiction (she's now in the Methadone program, clean of street drugs after many years of living on the streets surrounding herself in drug people......including her own father) a necrotizing thing on her torso brought on by the nastiness of her rooming house, arthritis, chronic pain, emotional instability and anxiety, depression, and a whole wallop of paranoia. On top of all of that, her life story which is strewn with abuse and confinement is one of the most harrowing and stomach churning existances I have heard of. She is tired and almost beaten down, but miraculously has a sliver of hope as she makes an attempt to get her life on track for the first time ever.

It's hard to fathom that she can even find hope in the barrage of nasties..........I think of her and I'm in awe.

Our meeting was timely on many levels. First of all, she qualified for a one bedroom apartment in a brand new building that is still in the process of being completed (but move in-able on some floors including hers) A whole new focused person emerged when I told her of this possibility the first day that we finally met. Since then, I escorted her to an "interview" with the landlord as moral support, and have spoken to her on several occassions since then to help her problem solve and make to do lists of stuff which had to be dealt with before she could sign a lease.......arrangements to move, bank account openings, putting in her notice at the dump she calls home right now, and more than anything learning how to deal with her case worker. I thought until today that she and I had moved beyond this and things were more or less settling down.

Unbeknownst to Ruth, I had made a few attempts to talk with the case worker about this particular client as a way to offer up some insights which I had hoped would allow the case worker a chance to look at the client from different eyes. She is notoriously unhelpful despite the attempts of many colleagues to shake some empathy into her bones. Though I did receive the look, which is often flashed at me.......the look that says..........."you don't know what you're talking about because you're a Pollyanna. Looks like the client has pulled the wool over your eyes again," which of course bites right into one of my personal trigger points..........the desire to be believed or something...... SO............ I knew that my descriptions or what i considered insights were being flushed away by a non-believer in the potential of human beings. I tried, but I would've been more effective banging my head against a brick wall....or hers. yes, I was tempted.

This particular case worker is in a league of her own. Though there are some who are untrusting and lacksadaisical......(and thank God most are wonderfully warm and accepting and will go to great lengths to assist someone in need) .....this one is judgemental, rude and hides behind the machinations of policy. Interestingly, she rose from dire poverty herself, which blows my mind that someone could be so callous when they have grown up not knowing if there would be something on the table for dinner, experiencing the bitter cold of outside toilets in January, or no clean running water. Sure, I get it. She's an angry obnoxious person who will never do a bit of navel gazing, who would never admit that she has never forgiven her parents for her circumstances. I work with many colleagues who have spent time on the other side of the desk, either as a child on welfare or as a single parent left without financial resources. Most take their experiences and grow into dedicated heart bursting frontline workers with scores of empathy. Others? They choose the other angry path, use displacement as their method of dispersal and hurt others as a neurotic attempt to feel better. Yeah, Freud would have a heyday with this scenario.......

I can't count the number of times i have had to spend the first 1/2 hour "debriefing" with someone who happened to pull the short straw and land in this worker's caseload. Tears, frustration and outright anger to a point of rage......i've seen it all, heard it bellowed and have had to assuage it. Not only is it time consuming for me to undo this psychological mess created by someone who is SUPPOSED to be helping people because it takes my time away from providing productive counselling and assessment services, more importantly it is unbelievably damaging to the dignity of the victim. It's like kicking a puppy in the tender guts.

What happened to Ruth today took the cake. In order to move into a new secure and clean apartment, Ruth has been doing her best to jump through the myriad of hoops placed in front of her. Her life is a disorganized mess......of living day to day trying to find her health again for the most part.....of seeking a new life away from the streets, away from the drug friends, away from this whole culture TOWARDS health and independence and feeling better about herself.....this takes courage and energy. On top of this, she has had to arrange a mover, contact hydro and the phone company, pack her belongings, and sort through much of what she owns to decide if she has to toss it out because of the impact of living in a bug infested shithole, ...........open a bank account which she has never done before in order to have a void cheque, and direct deposit etc (in the long run a good thing, but more overwhelming than we can fathom given her life circumstances and poor coping skills)

On top of all that..........................her monthly cheque was cut in half due to a glitch in the system, I was told. It left her without the money to pass onto a new landlord......and left her feeling that the whole dream of moving into her own place..............the very first "own place" she has ever known............was down the drain. She was supposed to sign the lease and pass over a damage deposit etc,etc,etc.......today. When she called her case worker completely bereft and in rage, she was simply told that her medical had expired, and she would have to get another one from her doctor indicating that she couldn't work, which in turn would allow her monthly cheque to increase. Meanwhile........................................she has been working with me to apply for disability and all the documentation for that is sitting with me as we complete it........her case worker WELL aware of this fact.

The blame was put squarely on Ruth, who because of her accusations of incompetence levelled at the case worker (aka holder of cheques, controller of lives) she was dismissed as the person with the problem......Ruth was too difficult to deal with.............ALWAYS how these things are rationalized. UNBELIEVABLE......

If you could just see this waif of a human being...........whose life is beyond comprehension, who has survived heinous things.......who is drenched in sweat most days because she wears natty old clothes to cover her completely despite the summer temperatures......who waffles from tears to smiles as she navigates survival........who can crack a joke and laugh deeply if given something to laugh about.....who can see the absurdity of the rest of the world......who wants to get better so she can eventually make a home for her 8 year old son who lives with relatives, the same ones who mistreated her.........who simply wants a secure clean place to live which is affordable and safe, and has a place she can open up her card table to lay out a jigsaw puzzle she wants to finally have a chance to tackle......who is so looking forward to watching TV tucked in her own clean bed, and make a cup of tea and enjoy the fresh clean breezes which flow through her little castle....if you could see this beautiful woman hidden behind her sickness and labels......you would know beauty in all its striking imperfections.

I could write all night..........so much I want to say..................so much I want to spill out after a day of working in the microcosmic world because a whole platter of learning and awareness bubbled up through this mess for both of us......

Ruth and I won today. At 4 pm, we were on site of the new apartment building meeting with the new landlord who had been informed of the system glitch by the case worker after a successful (and loud) confrontation on my part. Ruth signed the lease, was provided with moving information she needed to know. Then, we were given the royal tour right up to her tiny little palace. Everything is sparkling new clean....... She spoke of the personal touches she plans.....of the colour she wants to add......her smiles were glorious!!! There she was standing in the empty space, her jetblack hair askewly pull up with a big clunky clip on top of her head, in pants that were too big for her frame, which draped down over her sock covered sandalled feet fraying in the back from dragging when she walked. There she was in her blue wool sweater with rips and snares, all stretched out of shape and button up to her chin................her face glowing red cheeks and beaded perspiration...........her arms full of purses and papers and a takeaway ice cappacino...a disorganized overwhelmed mess who was beaming HOPE!!! It makes me cry just thinking of that moment........and I thank God I was there to witness it. The superintendent, a gruff older man, friendly and patient with her also recognized the significance despite not knowing Ruth's story. I could tell by his wet eyes.

On the way back to the place she only has to spend one more night in, Ruth spoke of her next steps after some time getting well again........she wants to work on getting her GED. She wants to take a course in anger management because she knows the addiction stuff is completely tied in with her ineffective coping skills.....and swallowing or injecting her anger is killing her. From living in survival mode all of her life, there is a glimmer that perhaps her other needs.....will finally receive some of her attention. Our conversation scattered in many different directions, treading on so many topics.........how there are good people out there who will help, how some people feel they are above others......how Jesus spent a good deal of his life hanging with the wounded and broken, with the marginalized........how we are all equal in the eyes of God.......how we tend to react to others based on our own issues. At one point, I took the opportunity to introduce to Ruth the idea that perhaps her childhood has affected her choices dearly, and has affected how she reacts........I identified it under the umbrella of "abandonment" which clearly fits for her. it was a true light bulb moment. No one had ever pointed this out to her, unbelievably given that she has been in and out of counselling most of her adult life.

"How do you know that?" she asked. "It is so true....I was abandoned wasn't I?"

I explained that by pulling together her stories, it seemed clear to me that this is where she needs to head with her counselling in the future........"and once you start tackling this, Ruth you will see it all unravel. And then, you can validate you own anger and find a place where you can forgive..........forgive yourself, and forgive the people who were supposed to look after you."

And while I'm saying these things, sharing with her some insights I knew she was ready to hear, I was struck with the knowledge that grace and mercy were floating all around us in the car. I felt a sense of knowing I was meant to be a counsellor all over again.......for the first time in a while. Counselling comes naturally and fits me like lycra. It was a flash of awareness I needed personally, as much as Ruth needed a flash of awareness with respect to her abandonment issues.

Grace and mercy...........floating all around us. it was a very special drive across the bridge which spans the Saint John River.

When she was getting out of my car............ arms still full of the same paraphenalia....her face still overheatedly glowing......I told her she was beautiful....because she was. Right in front of my eyes, I saw a woman transform from defensive fatigue to a soft calm. She looked back at me and told me she loved me, then closed the door and headed to her rooming house to finish her packing.

The end of a workday.........in a microcosmic world........and I was flooded with good tears. Some people will never ever get it. What a shame.

confessional relating..........

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."

Said the old man, "I do that too"

The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."

"I do that too," laughed the little old man.

Said the little boy, "I often cry."

The old man nodded, "So do I."

"But worst of all," said the boy,
"it seems Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."

And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.

"I know what you mean," said the little old man.



Shel Silverstein.

lessons from the garden.

From afar they emanate perfection in their beauty.

Symmetrically painted swashes of colour

blending together as relatives do

an emboldened array of blurried strength

Separately they begin to reveal their uniqueness

Stoically flirting,

petals billowing outward like a twirling dancer

Enticing the voyeur with its breezy sashay

Standing out, sharing it's little nicks and tatters of life

beauty and imperfection intertwine

when we stand alone

confident in what we are really made of.

we grow to accept our beautiful imperfections as we dance

to our own tune

transformatively unique

displaying our multi-layered hues,

acceptance of

tiny rips and tears,

nipped bug bites

marked rain splotches

drooped peakedness

acceptance

strengthened by its roots

supported by others,

younger and older

unconditionally.

ps. Shaz......the peonies are for you.....from my garden. they are doing the happy dance for you and your wonderful news......

a few rocks....a whole lot of reflections.....

slivers of enlightenment

Working with groups is where I want to be. It's what makes the blood flow, makes the energy surge and makes me feel the most alive. For whatever reason, my opportunity to be facilitating and leading.....to be teaching and learning surrounded by the sparks have not been as forthcoming as I would prefer and I find this very frustrating. It is most definately what I will focus on making happen.......... it's where I want to be. it's where i NEED to be. It's what I'm best at............

Today, I had the pleasure of spending the whole day with a group of amazing people who will be working with kids who have very special needs. They will be responsible for planning and delivering summer program fun, counselling and leading and interacting all summer long. Most of these kids live in public housing with their families who also have very special needs....financially, emotionally, and/or spiritually. Deep wounds from ongoing struggles.....always wrestling to get their basic needs met. Family strife, caused by a variety of underlying issues, is the norm. Most of these kids have never had a chance at childhood. In fact, some of them even at a young age, have had to assume the role of parent. Because they spend such an inordinate amount of time trying to meet their survival needs....shelter, food, safety, health, there is little time to even attempt to meet their love and belonging needs let alone anything to do with freedom, fun or empowerment......forget it.........no time for this.

Except.............this summer.....these kids will be kids. And the summer counsellors will play a key role in helping fulfill these important needs.

Today was an orientation of sorts........a chance to meet others who will be working throughout the city in a similar capacity.......a chance to talk about what they have already experienced being on the receiving end of wounded little ones who growl and yell, who don't know how to get along with others, who have big issues and who have seen way too much......many of the counsellors have been working or volunteering in these communities. They aren't green......and they are chock full of insight, ideals, desires and a depth of understanding that surprised me. These kids will be in good loving hands.

My job today? To add to their toolboxes.......except we used seasonal sand pails, which we filled with symbolic items.......

• a piece of rope to represent a life line as well as a way of showing the need to put some personal boundaries in place
• a flashcard with an alphabet letter to promote literacy related activities...the fun ones
• a butterfly magnet......transformation......on both sides
• a flower..........seeds that have been planted and will bloom
• gum.....to stick together
• playdoh......open ended play
• paintbrush......for creativity
• and a marble......just in case they lose all of theirs.

In MY sand pail, I carried a bunch of shiny rocks which I had written one word on each. Throughout the day, I asked each participant and presenter to dip their hand in my pail to pull out a rock. Then, they were to look at the word and talk about whatever came to mind. Words like..........growth......fun.........hope.......motivation........

chaos........stretch........smile.......silly

talk.........listen.........fail..........goal..........silence

.........inspire.......me.......you.......we........dream....

The activity generated conversations and sharing at a level which I wasn't expecting. It was wonderful......

Stinking WOW PIP!! You would have loved it!!

The feelings expressed while trying to capture them in words spilled out all over the place. Interestingly, the most moving rock word was "silence."

Silence...........what are the kids not saying?.........what are the kids saying in between the words and actions they use? Silence........how do I reach out to them to help them deal with their woundedness? These were the thoughts shared by one of the participants.....and it hit us all deeply. The words led to places where no one expected, which made the day long learning all the more satisfying.

It's what I love about working with groups.......the mystery of the learning because you just never know what gems will be revealed by the individuals taking part........and to think today it was generated by a bunch of rocks.

Learning with and connecting with others is fuel and food for me. As I reflect on the day and all that was shared, I feel like my cups of life have been refilled. It tastes sweet. I want more of it.......

i havent a clue.........

What do you want?

Is what you are doing getting you what you want?

These two questions are key to counselling using William Glasser's Choice theory. Dr. Phil puts his spin on it and asks it this way............Is it working for you? I would hazard a guess that these questions filter through our heads outside of any formal counselling session....they are key life questions.....a way to judge and monitor our own journeys......questions that are asked when we reach crossroads in our lives, when we are confronted with change or conflict in how we are leading our lives. They are asked when we reached developmental milestones.....in high school, when we are first looking at career choices.

• At the end of university or other training when we are looking at leaving the womb of academia and moving into the world of work.
  
• When we have met someone we have fallen in love with and are wondering if this is the person we want to make a commitment with.
  
• When we are deciding whether or not to start a family.
  
• When we are reevaluating personal decisions we had made that aren't working for us.
• When we find we are drifting away from a relationship which once was close.
  
• When we reach middle age and are looking backwards and then forwards wondering if it is time to forge new horizons........
• At the time of retirement........and on and on and on.....................we ask these questions a lot in our lives.
  

What do you want? The first question that can kickstart a transition.........

What do I want? The beginning of a new set of goals.............or a new way of seeing ourselves.....

At face value, it seems like a simple question to answer. But, try it............ and I bet where you start is far away from where you end up.

What we want is tied to many things. Glasser identifies 5 key areas of "needs" which directly impact what we want. Survival is the first one, which is very similar to Maslow's Basic Physiological and Safety needs. Shelter, food, water...........most of us only really look at these when we are faced with one of them being threatened, though a good majority of the people on this planet spend most of their days trying to procure these basic necessities. There's no time for lofty wants......basic survival needs come first.

The second need falls under the category of Love and Belonging. Again, similar to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, love and belonging encompasses our desires to be loved and accepted, to be a part of a family or a group, to live within the margins of our community and not be left out. It is the recognition of who we are by others. It is the recognition of ourselves by ourselves.

Power or recognition.............do we matter? Goals, aspirations, control, significance, prestige all fit here, and is tied in with self-esteem.

Freedom.....freedom of choice........freedom to come and go and to live how we choose......freedom to be who we want to be........freedom to think and grow......to love who we want to love. It encompasses a wide berth.

The last need is one we tend to put less weight on and that's fun. After we have our other needs met, fun can take precedence. I also think that we should look at fun to include our need to be engaged and focused on what we are doing.......

Sounds so simple, doesn't it? You identify what it is you want, based on your needs and et voila you're there. NOT.

So many variables impact what we want........it's a complicated minefield. We don't live in a cave or under a bridge like a troll. We are all connected to others....some of whom are dependent on us, some of whom we are dependent upon. Our lives and our choices impact the people in our lives almost as much, or perhaps even more than they impact us. As well, we may really really want something or want to do something but it clashes with our values and beliefs. Others place expectations on us that we somehow have to filter into the equation. We have roles and responsibilities which define our daily routine, which may stand in the way of attaining what it is we really really want. Sometimes we decide to choose what we want only to have to face the consequences of these choices......it becomes a "this or that" decision.

When what we want in our lives doesn't fit with the expected norm of society or of our family and friends, we are left in a quandry for a long time trying to figure out if it is worth the angst, or even the loss of belonging to a mate or a whole group of friends and family. And this happens a lot, because not only are our "wants" different, so is the amount of emphasis we place on our five needs. For example, I may have a really strong love and belonging need......for whatever reason, I need to be acknowledged and reassured more than others so my choices will reflect this in order to find fulfillment. What happens then if I was to fall in love with someone who has a high freedom need.....a person who feels tied down if routine and attachments to others start pressuring them? It's destined for failure....a push pull conflict where both people demand and act in order to get what they want........and no matter how hard they try to make it work, if their individual needs aren't met, they will both be unhappy.

What about the person who grew up in a family who had certain religious beliefs, and whose lives revolved predominantly around their place of worship? What happens to him/her when they decide to break away from that church.....that lifestyle? It's a huge step, which doesn't come without ramifications or fall out from the choices made.

So, how do you learn to weigh it all? What takes priority? Do we live with compromise, or do we forge ahead to seek out what we want? We only get one kick at the can of life, don't we?

And to think I simply started with two little itty bitty questions...........my brain hurts. Right now, all I really want is a cup of tea.

What do you want?

The source of our joy.

even our ducks know the happy dance

Happiness, Happiness

It's the greatest feeling I possess

Oh, I thank the Lord that I've been blessed

With more than my share of

Happiness.

(Camp song sung most loudly and enthusiastically by boys young and old.....an anthem to their own Mr. Happys. Why? Because they have 'appiness......and it gives them great joy.)

Fill yer boots Upper Canada, Get Rich working at Walmart Alberta and Lotusland West Coasters...........looks like Nouveau Brunswick will from here on in be known NOT as the drive thru province, but as the province inspired by happiness......or perhaps more than one happiness. Many happinesses!! And you know what? It makes us SMILE ........... a whole friggin' lot! It puts a whole new spin on our tourism promotions this year.........."New Brunswick, No Small Wonders"

News has leaked out however.......and the race is on to cash in on this joyful revelation with a slogan contest for our province's self-sufficiency plan to put a halt to the brain drain and to encourage expatriates and newcomers to head east. This could be our cash cow......our pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Who isn't in search of happiness?? Forget the Reversing Falls! Quit promoting our Tidal Bores! Magic Mountain? Magnetic Hill? Been there....seen it..... No people want to see our source of joy...... Investors want a piece!!

So far the entries are:

"Fooled ya! Happiness isn't found in your heart. It's found in your Stanfields!"

OR....

“Happiness is like a kiss...you must share it to enjoy it. We'd like to share ours"

or how about this one....stolen from Maxim Gorky who I presume has a park named after him somewhere in Russia...with an added tag on the end

“Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is. New Brunswick is full of precious happiness....come see."

This one is being considered as well.....with much thanks to Nathaniel Hawthorne. I like it because, well, who doesn't like an analogy describing happiness as a beautiful monarch?

“Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. Here in New Brunswick it will make you smile, smile, smile right down to your knickers.”

Yes, it's true......we've got 'appiness cornered in this country. According to the latest stupid survey results (most likely funded in kind by YOU the taxpayer) published in the Globe and Mail, New Brunswick is Canada's family jewel. Some nasty pessimist named Pierre sums it up this way.........and it leaves me wondering if he really gets it.....happiness, I mean..... or perhaps he's just plain jealous that the little province next door to la belle province needs no viagra in their pursuit of happiness.........

“It's about the glass,” says Pierre Cote, a Quebec City marketing consultant who created the study, to explain New Brunswick's score. “I think maybe they are happier with what they have.” For instance, people surveyed in New Brunswick were the least likely to say that modern society made happiness more difficult to achieve, and the most likely to say people are as happy today as they had been in the past or will be in the future.
As far as individual happiness goes, health and family and having a job you like counts for more in Canada, according to the study, than wealth and sex.
And about 20 per cent of the people surveyed gave their happiness a perfect score – 10 out of 10. Are they the lucky ones? Again, it's all about perspective. Pierre Cote says he found this last finding among the most discouraging. “If you're that happy, it's time to die,” he said. “Life is about the pursuit of happiness.”

Pierre!!! For God's sake man............stop and smell the coffee.....and while you're at it.....just because we are considered a "have not" province in the greater economic scheme of things, I'm here to tell you that we have it...............and lots of it.........happiness that is. And now that the rest of Canada knows..........well, we will spend the rest of our economic and tourism dollars flaunting it!!

It's time to scrap the old ship logo on our stationary and license plates and paint the real picture in all it's glory.....anyone out there a graphic designer?

I've got no silver and I've got no gold

But I've got happiness in my soul.

Happiness, happiness

It's the greatest feeling I possess

Oh, I thank the Lord that I've been blessed

With more than my share of

Happiness.

Perhaps this beloved Province should recruit Lucien to be our official spokesman. Can't you just hear him now........."da nort shore is the best shore, dats for shore....we got lots of 'appiness ready to go to work for you." Lucien? Are you up for dis challenge, n'est pas?

Lil and I down by the river doin' some thinkin'.

lily waiting for the big throw.
check out the tail action

There are places I remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I can still recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all.
John Lennon

Went for a stroll down by the river with Lily tonight. Quiet contemplation while enjoying the cloud enhanced light show of twilight in between tossing sticks for an excitable pooch. It's now dark outside and I type by the soft glow of my lamp, listening to Nora Jones' sweet voice. Her songs are perfect for this time of night. They pull you into a place where your own thoughts intertwine with her lyrics. She makes me remember snippets of life lived........and the special people who have been an integral part of it.....of the hellos and goodbyes and the sweet times in between. So, here I am.............alone for the evening, a chance to reflect and to savour and to look forward. I like the pace. It levels me back to calm.

guitar strumming softly.......... i love the sound of the guitar. There are some songs I could listen to over and over again if is accompanied by the soft strumming of the guitar. I can think of nothing more meditatively inducing an instrument except perhaps a slow almost silent cry of a violin. It seems to seep under my skin with a lull and a rock. I don't know why I've never learned how to play the guitar.

It's been a week of juggling busy, which seemed more so because of the fatigue factor we are all feeling. Fatigue from many avenues. Today is the last day of school, which always arrives after a crescendo of activities that are a lot of fun, but too much to incorporate into a workday/weekday and other activities. But, now that it's all over and the summer stretches ahead...........it doesn't seem too crazy busy. Big tears today as my daughter said goodbye to her much loved school as she moves onto high school next year. These past two weeks for her have been filled with such wonderfully created memories........she will always love them all. A year end trip to Quebec City, a farewell dance all dressed up, picnics and signings of yearbooks, awards and report cards.......cherished friends who will move along with her in September, and who will be close by for a summer of hanging out.

friends taking big steps together

Watching her take new steps during this milestone, I see her surrounded by beautiful girlfriends, 4 of them, who have grown close and will continue to share their dreams and secrets with one another as they move forward together. I too remember those places and people who were in my life then. Cherished memories and I wonder where those girlfriends are now.

_________

Well I stumbled in the darkness

I'm lost and alone
Though I said I'd go before us
And show the way back home
Is there a light up ahead
I can't hold on very long
Forgive me pretty baby
But I always take the long way home.
Norah Jones.

A note was left for me at the front desk this week when I was out of the office.....a quick post it note signed by someone whom I hadn't seen in close to 10 years. I had wondered where she had gone........and now I know. We spoke on the phone.....and I heard words of gratitude which made me tear up.

When I first hired as a counsellor to kickstart a brand new upgrading and training program 14 years ago, I met this young woman, a single mom with a baby who was trying to find her way. Through a government sponsored program, she became my assistant. And I thanked my lucky stars that I had her right beside me. We became a terrific team. Our skills complimented eachother, me with my people brain and she with her organizational brain. Along the way, I would encourage her to go to University to work on a business degree......so bright and capable, she always shone. And along the way, with me pregnant for the first time and feeling incredibly shitty, she encourage me to keep moving forward, not to worry........mentoring and learning together.

This beautiful young woman listened and took a plunge into studies and the field of business. A sponge to new concepts and learning, she excelled and forged ahead into a career.

She wanted me to meet her 14 year old daughter this week.......she told me that my encouragement back then made all the difference in her life. She wanted her daughter to meet me so that she would have a face to the name. Now that she has been in the field of business, made good money, acquired extensive skills, ....now that she has had the time to reflect and analyze her life, she wants to move into a helping field. I heard her say.............."money isn't the answer"........"I have a lot to give".........."I want to work in the frontlines where I can make a difference."

And I told her.........how much it meant to talk to her this week......how timely her call was while I tried to focus back on work after a month of familial sadness. We are meeting for lunch in a couple of weeks to hear each other's stories face to face and talk about next steps.............what's interesting is that I'm wanting to cross over a bit into her world, and she's wanting to work in my present world. Perhaps we will be able to help one another again.

dramatic sky, june 22, 2007

This weekend, a friend is getting married. Two months shy of his 50th birthday, he has found the love of his life. I won't be attending his wedding but have sent a few stories to be incorporated into the mix of toasts. He's an old camp friend.........from my "Muskie" days. Writing up the memories this week was a trip. And as I tried to capture moments from 25 years ago we had shared with others who will be at the wedding, the Beatles song I quoted at the beginning of this post accompanied it. This time of year is always a wistful shot back to Big Hawk Lake where the tents stood in a line along the shore, where guitars strummed late into the night, where familiarity and friendship grew up along with us. Tomorrow, I will stop what I'm doing in the middle of the afternoon to send kisses and wishes to a Kawabi kindred on his special day............ and picture his ever present smile with affection.

Twilight on the Saint John river, june 22, 2007

There are places I remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I can still recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I've loved them all...........


And will continue on ...................... in anticipation and gratitude.