i havent a clue.........

What do you want?

Is what you are doing getting you what you want?

These two questions are key to counselling using William Glasser's Choice theory. Dr. Phil puts his spin on it and asks it this way............Is it working for you? I would hazard a guess that these questions filter through our heads outside of any formal counselling session....they are key life questions.....a way to judge and monitor our own journeys......questions that are asked when we reach crossroads in our lives, when we are confronted with change or conflict in how we are leading our lives. They are asked when we reached developmental milestones.....in high school, when we are first looking at career choices.

• At the end of university or other training when we are looking at leaving the womb of academia and moving into the world of work.
  
• When we have met someone we have fallen in love with and are wondering if this is the person we want to make a commitment with.
  
• When we are deciding whether or not to start a family.
  
• When we are reevaluating personal decisions we had made that aren't working for us.
• When we find we are drifting away from a relationship which once was close.
  
• When we reach middle age and are looking backwards and then forwards wondering if it is time to forge new horizons........
• At the time of retirement........and on and on and on.....................we ask these questions a lot in our lives.
  

What do you want? The first question that can kickstart a transition.........

What do I want? The beginning of a new set of goals.............or a new way of seeing ourselves.....

At face value, it seems like a simple question to answer. But, try it............ and I bet where you start is far away from where you end up.

What we want is tied to many things. Glasser identifies 5 key areas of "needs" which directly impact what we want. Survival is the first one, which is very similar to Maslow's Basic Physiological and Safety needs. Shelter, food, water...........most of us only really look at these when we are faced with one of them being threatened, though a good majority of the people on this planet spend most of their days trying to procure these basic necessities. There's no time for lofty wants......basic survival needs come first.

The second need falls under the category of Love and Belonging. Again, similar to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, love and belonging encompasses our desires to be loved and accepted, to be a part of a family or a group, to live within the margins of our community and not be left out. It is the recognition of who we are by others. It is the recognition of ourselves by ourselves.

Power or recognition.............do we matter? Goals, aspirations, control, significance, prestige all fit here, and is tied in with self-esteem.

Freedom.....freedom of choice........freedom to come and go and to live how we choose......freedom to be who we want to be........freedom to think and grow......to love who we want to love. It encompasses a wide berth.

The last need is one we tend to put less weight on and that's fun. After we have our other needs met, fun can take precedence. I also think that we should look at fun to include our need to be engaged and focused on what we are doing.......

Sounds so simple, doesn't it? You identify what it is you want, based on your needs and et voila you're there. NOT.

So many variables impact what we want........it's a complicated minefield. We don't live in a cave or under a bridge like a troll. We are all connected to others....some of whom are dependent on us, some of whom we are dependent upon. Our lives and our choices impact the people in our lives almost as much, or perhaps even more than they impact us. As well, we may really really want something or want to do something but it clashes with our values and beliefs. Others place expectations on us that we somehow have to filter into the equation. We have roles and responsibilities which define our daily routine, which may stand in the way of attaining what it is we really really want. Sometimes we decide to choose what we want only to have to face the consequences of these choices......it becomes a "this or that" decision.

When what we want in our lives doesn't fit with the expected norm of society or of our family and friends, we are left in a quandry for a long time trying to figure out if it is worth the angst, or even the loss of belonging to a mate or a whole group of friends and family. And this happens a lot, because not only are our "wants" different, so is the amount of emphasis we place on our five needs. For example, I may have a really strong love and belonging need......for whatever reason, I need to be acknowledged and reassured more than others so my choices will reflect this in order to find fulfillment. What happens then if I was to fall in love with someone who has a high freedom need.....a person who feels tied down if routine and attachments to others start pressuring them? It's destined for failure....a push pull conflict where both people demand and act in order to get what they want........and no matter how hard they try to make it work, if their individual needs aren't met, they will both be unhappy.

What about the person who grew up in a family who had certain religious beliefs, and whose lives revolved predominantly around their place of worship? What happens to him/her when they decide to break away from that church.....that lifestyle? It's a huge step, which doesn't come without ramifications or fall out from the choices made.

So, how do you learn to weigh it all? What takes priority? Do we live with compromise, or do we forge ahead to seek out what we want? We only get one kick at the can of life, don't we?

And to think I simply started with two little itty bitty questions...........my brain hurts. Right now, all I really want is a cup of tea.

What do you want?