Tuesday, October 21, 2008

survival.


"Our real journey in this life is interior; it is a matter of growth, deepening, and of an ever greater surrender to the creative action of love and grace in our hearts. Never is it more necessary for us to respond to that action." Thomas Merton.

Last Friday, I spent most of the afternoon sitting with a woman in her kitchen. She was only 7 years older than me but she looked as old as the hills. Confined to her apartment because of a weak heart and a severe pulmonary disorder, she was also hooked up to an oxygen feed...........a long tube attached to a tank that was hooked under her nose providing constant air. A year ago, her whole respiratory and circulatory systems seized. She was told by the ER doctor when she finally made her way to the hospital after a couple of months of denial and coping with symptoms that would've left most of us on the side of the road, that she wouldn't make it through the day. She was told she was dying and they couldn't save what was left of her lungs. They were too damaged. She'd be dead by dinner so she better make arrangements for her family to join her there so they could say goodbye.

Can you imagine? How appalling is that?

The lack of empathy and complete absence of any form of proper bedside manner by the attending respiratory specialist left her with bitter determination to prove him wrong. This feisty woman told him too in big florid language while laying on a gurney, hooked up to machinery. Every day that she was hospitalized, she reminded him that she had more living to do and she wasn't ready to die.

A year later, she lives the fullest extent as she can given her confinement and her serious health issues. Last winter, she was not allowed to leave her apartment at all because she wouldn't be able to handle the cold air. So, from the day she arrived home last October until March 14th, she remained cloistered and dependent on her family to run errands. Her family doctor was a phone call away and made sure that her prescriptions were covered and delivered. She has never seen the specialist again and has no intention to.

Her life sentence is just that. During our conversation, she openly expressed her anger and grief over her loss of independence, but she was also quick to throw in the dark humour only someone who's struggled even on her good days. This is a woman whose hard life has been one huge struggle.........poverty and abuse as a child living in a distant rural area, minimal educaton because she was forced to go to work at age 14 to help pay the bills and her father's drinking habit, an abusive marriage. As a mother of 4 young children she found the strength to leave the violence behind and go out on her own. She single handedly raised 4 children, all of whom completed school..........2 who went onto post high school training. They all work now and have families of their own. She did this working two minimum wage jobs....."stealing from Peter to pay Paul.........and sometimes putting the two of them off for a month and hoping somehow the bills would get paid...."

There was never time to look beyond the day she was living. The future is a luxury when one is trying to find a way to get through another day. Ironically, most of us are trying to LEARN how to do this..........to live in the moment and embrace the moment etc, and for someone living the suffering, this is reality, not something to learn from some Budhist flavoured how to book. And it's because she has weathered many storms she's able to cope with the drastic changes to her lifestyle. Now, recognizing that she needed to mourn her old life and move on, this scrappy determined woman redefined her perception of independence. It's all a state of mind.

Last March 14th, when the weather was warm enough, she extended the tube length of her oxygen lifeline so it was long enough to leave her apartment, in order to walk down a small flight of stairs and out the back door to the outdoors, in order to walk down another flight of stairs to the laundry room, in order to visit her neighbours, to get her mail, and to greet her grandchildren at the front door when they come to spend the weekend with their grandma.

How has she been able to do this? Where does she get this positive outlook? I asked her many questions along these lines...............her answer?? In a nutshell........The act of loving and the feeling of belonging play a major role as does her attitude and decision not to fight destiny.........just go with it. This woman's journey is internal which is a much longer and broader journey than any external one. Independence is a state of mind. You can be completely dependent on others for your well being, but if you can maintain some level of empowerment, the feeling of independence continues to be reinforced. It's all in how you view life looking from the outside in. Oh, and humour......and lots of it.
I don't know if I could be so optimistic and brave to face mortality head on. I don't know if I could live with such confinement without succumbing to depression. Where does one find such faith and hope in the face of having no real control over the future?

6 comments:

kenju said...

I completely agree with your last paragraph. I am fairly certain I could not.

I have tremendous admiration for someone who can overcome adversity the way she seems to have don.

Karen said...

What a truly remarkable woman and thankyou so much for sharing her story. I think it does us all good sometimes to hear stories such as this to put our own little problems into a real perspective.

It's surprising how often people do find the strength they didn't know they had until they really needed it.

I hope that specialist never has anyone in his family ever receive that kind of news in the way it was delivered by him to that dear woman. Ass hat.

Ellen said...

Bravo to this strong woman... she teaches us all a lesson in everyday grasp of life. I hope she lives for decades!

As for you, my big hearted friend, I have no doubt that you have all the right stuff it takes to weather storms. Your writing is from the heart, and it's as big as the world. "The future is a luxury when one is tring to find a way to get through another day".... brilliant line! I shall remember this.

By the way~ was going to send an e-mail to you but wasn't sure I had the right address.... and I have so much to tell you.

Bar L. said...

Wow. Thanks for this story. I have been reading here, sweetie. THanks for all your support and encouragement to me!

awareness said...

Judy...I do too. I told her so. The most inspiring people I know are the people i have met through my work. Honest to God, I don't know how they manage.

Gypsy....she was remarkable and very very funny. We were both stunned when we looked at the clock and realized we had been sitting in her kitchen for 2 hours yakking away about many many things. Feisty as all get out....and in complete control of her family still!

Ellen....i hope she lives long too. She worked right up to the day she made it to the ER! And, it is what she misses more than anything..........her job at the local Tim Horton's donut shop. The people she worked with are in touch all the time with her. I'm sure she was a great colleague.
You know, I think we should turn off the TV (Oprah) and throw away the howdy do self help books and go talk to a warrior like this woman every now and then.....inspiring and delightful. She makes a difference.

Layla....I'm glad you're reading along.....I'm keeping an eye on you too! Some advice....As Jamie's grandmother used to say, "Keep you pecker up!" :)

Robert said...

an amazing lady dana I am sure you and her just had one whale of a time visiting I think she learned an invaluable lesson which she carries inside her, how to generate faith,hope love and a positive oultook all combined with wonderful sense of humor. I want to radiate those qualities more and more as she has done thanks for how you shared dana