Saturday, October 25, 2008

a stroll inside a system.


There's always a reason or two or three why someone has found themselves living on social assistance. It's not a lifestyle choice, though it can easily turn into a lifestyle. Once someone has walked through the door of the welfare office, which is recognized as the last stop at the end of the road for financial help, and finds out they qualify for assistance, the longer they remain on and IN the system the harder it is to get off. It's a big black hole of dependence. It's like the scene in Alice in Wonderland where she keeps falling and falling through the rabbit hole, only there isn't a tea party at the end of the drop. Rather, it leads to a maze which seems to have one dead end after another, all made more complicated by the distorting mirrors which reflect shame, guilt and fear. It takes such emotional strength to figure out how to exit successfully before depression, desolation and dependence sets in. It ain't Wonderland like Alice's. Its more like Wretched Wonderland.

There is no room to look at someone's situation at face value though the way things are set up with a shrinking number of people working in the frontlines that's the typical approach. A one line summing up of why someone is receiving a paltry monthly cheque from the government in order to survive doesn't cut it. As far as I'm concerned the word "lazy" is a four letter one. It could be that their outward behaviour appears to be lazy-like, but the internal churnings, the conflicts behind the actions spell out a very different description of what is really going on. I have always believed and will continue to believe that "being on welfare" is the least of the worries....... "being on welfare" is a symptom of internal angst. If we are to ever really and truly help the human beings who are able to lift up and out of the system once and for all, we need time to respectfully connect, engage, interact, understand, encourage, listen, listen, listen and guide them ONE AT A TIME out of the wretchedness. And for the people who simply need to remain receiving assistance, they need our support and comforting and understanding.


If one wants to help someone pull themselves up from the mucky mire, one has to help them unravel their feelings and let them tell their story. It's the only way out...... it is the map to figuring out how to get out of the maze. What makes it complicated is that the map contours are different for everyone. How to interpret it is an individually driven process. Sure there are generalizations that can be applied. It is a known fact that the majority of people who end up sitting across from someone like me is suffering from depression. Even knowing that and helping someone recognize this is not enough, especially if the person is a part of a family or community who have historically been linked to the social welfare system for years.


It takes time and a willingness on both sides of the interactive partnership to dig deep to find the reasons behind the circumstances.....It takes time to sift through to figure out where the fear and the emotional pain dwell in their souls. The map always has the same destination.......if you take the time to read it together.


I look for signs of motivation.....the brute determination, the fire in the belly, the hope behind the words and expressions as markers on the person's personal map to help me see if there is a readiness to move forward and I point it out to them. I look for signs of emotional turmoil, usually shared in a story or two that have floated up to the top of the conversation like buoys bobbing in the open harbour of thoughts. I look for the fear...........the rope wrapped around the burdened statements that begin with the words "BUT," "I Can't,"............or in the eyes which spell out hesitation, loss, unknown..........sometimes even hidden behind the self deprecating humour thrown out in the conversation. Sometimes is is caught up in the back of the throat recognized in a whispered feeling between the words. These are at the crux of why someone simply can't get unstuck from the muck that is their life.



The other day, I met with a very young mother in her home. I wanted to see her environment. I was curious about how she interacted with her toddler. Outward appearances, she seemed to have everything in place to grab hold of life.....her health, some supportive family around her, an education to build from. Her daughter was well care for and obviously the two of them had a close bond. This young woman was a beautifully well dressed smiling human being who giggled a lot, and only gave me short answers with no depth. She had NO idea what she wanted to do with her life.........or so she said. She also seemed to have no desire to engage in a deeper conversation with me. This had been her pattern with others in the frontlines, and it made her appear lazy, unmotivated, dismissive, haughty. It made her look like she was only keen to stay far away from responsibility or any self directed independence.


Reality had been pointed out to her.......in accusational words many times and it only made her more unresponsive. Confrontation wrapped up in the voice of parental authority was not the ticket,.....it never is, but for the most part it seemed as though this is how her life and our system treated her. Either she was "saved" by an enabler, or she was "scolded" by a system. Her own feet had never found their walking shoes. Her own ability to be an adult, to think and feel like an adult and to demand to be treated as one wasn't recognized nor encouraged.


This is where I steered the raft of our first meeting...........adult to adult conversation, through my own self disclosure of what it has been like to be a Mom, to be undecided. I shared little snippets of me and spoke to her as one woman to another despite the fact that she was young enough to be my daughter. It was important to level that playing field. No one reacts well to a judgemental "parent" barking at you. Surface talk to begin with.....and that's alright because it's on the surface where we must begin building a rapport and the trust to mine the wounds, the fears, the trepidations which are the ropes around her burdens. She doesn't want to be on welfare. No one does. Many can't get out and get off the dole for many serious reasons........ but I know this one can. It's what I shared with her......


As I watched and interacted with her daughter while lobbing questions towards the young woman as a way to level the playing field......as a way to assess the feelings behind the words spoken and the body language....... she doesn't know what she really wants to do........ that's fine, that's fine...... most people really don't know either...... I tried to get under her skin........to see through her eyes..... and as we grappled with the first of hopefully many conversations, I wondered if perhaps she thought that once she made a career decision it was set in stone. The career she chooses would be THE path she would HAVE to take for...the...rest...of....her.....life....

How daunting! Not REALLY knowing if this may be one of the obstacles to making any decisions and remaining stuck, I lob it out.......



"Do you know that most people have 5 or 6 or ever 20 different careers by the time they retire??What usually happens is that once you get started, you realize you have broader interests and different skills than you realize........or sometimes the labour market changes and the job you have been trained to do doesn't exist," I remark. "That's what happened to me. I moved here after graduating in a field where i specialized in working with babies or working in a school system to help kids who are struggling with the work or with just fitting in. I always thought I would be surrounded by kids. But, it never really happened."



I see that I have her attention, though she is still appearing to focus on her daughter. Her body language tells me different.......so I continue..... "I have found another path, and one that keeps changing.........but it is a path where I get to work with adults and sometimes I get a chance to meet 2 year olds and play with them too. I fought it for a long time.....kept trying to find THE job for me in the school system or in early intervention and when I was finally offered one, I turned it down because I realized I LOVE working with adults. I can be more real."
"There are so many things that can affect the decisions we make OR don't make and life just happens to force us to go another route.....even where we end up living. It makes a big difference in our options. Babies sure make you think differently don't they?? I couldn't believe how much my life changed when I had children.......most of the time it's great, but some of the time it feels like such a burden and I don't feel like I have any freedom."


She laughs and agrees, but doesn't share........not too much......but it's all there, just under the surface.


"I think many people feel a big amount of pressure to figure it out with the belief that once the decision is made, there's no turning back. That's why we were given the gift of reflection. We are always assessing and reflecting on our decisions, on our past and wondering about our futures. But, a decision can always be altered, dropped, or even expanded on. Isn't that the right of females to change their mind??" She laughs....



I stop my perambulating thinking out loud approach and she responds..... "I do feel pressured. I have a lot of things going on in my life......."



There it is......the offering....one of the buoys bobbing in the harbour. I don't have a clue what is happening in her life, what she is struggling with. Yet. But, for the first time, a glimmer that perhaps she will trust me enough to spill a little of her internal churnings is seen. Good.


"Why don't we meet again in a week.....maybe in my office where we can have some privacy and you can share some of what your struggling with."


"OK".......she says smiling........


Before I know it, I'm back in my car on my way to another appointment. I don't have a clue how long it will take to help this young woman find her way out of the rabbit hole. It's completely up to her to make the decisions, and to do the hard reflecting work. It will be up to her to take the steps forward. I can't take them for her. I can't carry her. Besides, she's had too much carrying. She needs to learn how to fish in the harbour and provide for herself and her daughter. Can she do it? Will she? It'll take time.......... but I'm guessing she just may figure it out. I want to be there when she catches her first big fish.

One at a time............out of the muck.

10 comments:

kenju said...

Good for you for being able to figure out how to break through to her. I suspect she will be forthcoming when you meet again. I hope she will.

Nikita said...

I've been inside the system...and if you were there to help me I never would have let it get me down for so long. x

OldLady Of The Hills said...

This is such a wonderful post Dana. And YOU have such a gift of understanding and knowing the best way to bring this young woman out. It may be slow but how gratifying to know that in just that first meetimg in her home, headway was made towards trust. And trust is what it takes for someone to open up.

I often think about Whoopie Goldberg and her sharing that she was on Welfare and how it was a way for her to get a little breather from the terrible depression that comes with having nothing and no way to pay the bills, etc., and having to go on Welfare so there could be food on the table, etc...And didn't she do well....? Maybe she had someone like you Dana, for the understanding one needs and the allowing of the time to know what she might have wanted to do with your life.

Robert said...

I hope and pray many more people with your heart,gifts,mind and determination to care will enter the workforce dana!!! I wish this post would be published all over every paper and that oprah would have you as a guest to share this and so many of the stories of peoples lives you illumine here Keep on dana you are a genuine angel :)

awareness said...

Judy....I think she will as well. I have worked with many individuals who are similarly stuck. The problem with the system is that we never have enough time to work deeply enough with them to truly make a longer lasting difference. It's very frustrating.

Niki...the system does strangle people doesn't it? I think you and I could take some big steps together. :) I'd make you work your ass off though! I'd make you get back to that beautiful poetry you write!

Naomi...I'm glad you liked the piece. It took a while to write and consequently needs a good edit because I had to play with the puppy (and pull her OFF my ankle and take her outside a thousand times) while writing it.

Whoopie is a good example and she continues to give back too. It is possible to use the system as a springboard to self sufficiency, but I swear it also does it's very best to keep good people down.

Personally, I'm very tired of working within it and trying to manipulate it in order to help make a difference. It always feels like it is surface work because the bureaucracy and the "rules" of how the delivery of the service (oh, and what it is supposed to entail) are too rigid. I'm hoping that this new position I find myself in.....same work, different team.....will give me some freedom to do what I am good at doing.

Robert, you're a dear. Would LOVE to speak to Oprah, but am really only doing what many others do as well. Part of my job is also to consult and train the frontlines which is where my head is at more and more. I love the teaching part.....

I think it's important that many people realize just how difficult it is to get out from under the system. So many believe that people who for one reason or another end up on welfare are lazy and if they just pulled up their bootstraps, they'd be on their way. But, it's really not the case. There are bigger and deeper reasons that need to be addressed by the person to lay most of them to rest in order to move forward. we have to guide them through that.

The best thing that could happen is that a person never gets on the bumpy welfare ride in the first place. Prevention is greatly needed.

swilek said...

keep pressing on in your job...it is so important the work you do and the compassion you do it with...thank you!

awareness said...

thanks Karyne...passion waxes and wanes these days. i guess that's normal. i have learned over the years that you can only put it out there and let things unfold. we have no control over someone elses decisions or choices they make. the system tries its best to keep the parameters in place so as to document stats! Stats are important. However, working with human beings doesn't really fall into clean stats does it?

drives me crazy.

Karen said...

Bravo Dana, what a wonderfully written post. I could feel the hope building inside that young woman as you slowly started to break down her walls. You are doing a brilliant job of helping people...one at a time.

Bar L. said...

great post, D. I learn a lot from what you write. And thanks for the comments on my son, etc. I can feel how much you care. You're a good friend.

much2ponder said...

Who says you think too much...no such thing:) I said it before and I will say it again, you and I are like, cut from not the same, but similar molds. I am with you the entire time and saying, Yeah! Yeah! I hear and feel what you say...one at a time, a little at a time. When we can truly be transparent with the humility necessary to reveal our true heart to another, it gives them a safe place to begin. I love it!

I too always saw myself working with children, but I have ended up in a place I never expected...but at the same time, I feel it is where I am meant to be. I love what I do and for the first time I truly believe I am planted where I am supposed to be doing what I was meant to do, at least for a little while.

You never know what can happen in a year. If a door or window opens, I might just have to go through.

By the way...people say I think too much too, until I began to say back to ask them, "how do you know what too much is? Too much for you may be different than too much for me", and I say,..."God made me this way for a purpose." and leave it at that.