I'm sitting in a different spot writing this week........in the family room of the home I grew up in, surrounded by familiar and not so familiar. That's what it feels like to return "home," when it's only once or twice a year. I look around and spot things that have lingered since I was young interspersed with new and different.
People, places and things..........all evolve, all take on a new sheen. Some are startling while some are comfortably acceptable.
Things
When I look out the front window of my childhood home, I see a very large birch tree towering majestically over the lawn and snow covered gardens, It's big enough to climb......there's a branch designed "Y" spot on it that would be great place to sit in to eat your lunch on a lazy summer day. I remember the day my dad and I went up into the woods not far from here on a wet spring day to dig up this tree when it was a sapling. We brought it home and he planted it right where this montrous tree now resides.
Beyond the front lawn is a circle of fir trees decorating the cul-de-sac. They too tower high above the rooftops; their lower branches way up in the sky. It seems like only yesterday I made the "journey" off the front lawn to hide in amongst those very branches to have picnics with my best friend. The "circle" was a ready made Terabithia where the kids on the street congregated for games of kick the can, and hide and seek. So close to home, with a feeling of being in the middle of a forest..........far away from our Moms.
The trees and the shrubs are familiar and not so familiar. They offer me the most startling cue that time has passed. I try to play catch up through remember whens.
___________________________
Places
Today, we drove into Toronto for a day at the Science Centre. It's located close to where I used to work at the Rehab Centre. The last time I was at this amazing place was when I took a group of kids from the Centre for a field trip.......5 of them all in wheelchairs, me and a volunteer. A long time ago. The memories wash over me as I look around for the familiarity. I spot a group of individuals being helped out of a van close to the entrance. They look bewildered and hold on tight to their support workers. I hear one of them make sounds like he is trying to find words as he rocks in his wheelchair. My son notices too and asks me if that was the van that I used to drive.......if I know these people from where I used to work.
No, I tell him. But the scene looks very familiar to me. They are different people, but familiar. I tell him a quick story of one of the kids who had been with me then.
The Science Centre itself has grown in leaps..........more interactivity, more technology, staying in touch with where we are now in this world. We spend an amazing hour watching an Imax film on climbing Mount Everest..........we take part in an experiment in electricity which makes our hair stand straight up...........we explore various sites teaching us a little of biology, a little of physics..........a whole room of activities related to sports and the body.
Fascinating. Wonderful to share with my own children.........learning and teaching together. A new perspective............new memories.
On the way home, we decide to take the highway which leads to downtown Toronto. I love Toronto, and miss it deeply on days like this. It has so much to offer...........so much to do. It was home for a while. Our drive takes us past familiar buildings, parks, and exits that lead to familiar haunts........but I see the passage of time as we pass new construction, new offices interspersed and at times blocking the view of the familiar. When we reach the point in the highway where we are aligned with the CN Tower, the Royal York, the Skydome and all of the points of interest along the Lakeshore, I am welled by remember whens and the desire to return. But, I know it's not home, that I have grown in a different direction......one that pulls and lures with satisfaction. The reality is.........I wouldn't be happy living here, now. It's just nostalgia getting in the way...........
___________________
People
Tonight, we visited my husband parents for dinner. I hadn't seen them since last summer and they have aged even more than I expected. Their appearance startles my daughter into a paralysis. Her appearance surprises them too......the fact that my daughter has grown up into a tall beautiful adolescent when in their minds she is still a tiny little baby on her baptismal day.......... we have all changed on the outside. It takes some getting used to.
People, places and things..........all evolve, all take on a new sheen. Some are startling while some are comfortably acceptable.
Things
When I look out the front window of my childhood home, I see a very large birch tree towering majestically over the lawn and snow covered gardens, It's big enough to climb......there's a branch designed "Y" spot on it that would be great place to sit in to eat your lunch on a lazy summer day. I remember the day my dad and I went up into the woods not far from here on a wet spring day to dig up this tree when it was a sapling. We brought it home and he planted it right where this montrous tree now resides.
Beyond the front lawn is a circle of fir trees decorating the cul-de-sac. They too tower high above the rooftops; their lower branches way up in the sky. It seems like only yesterday I made the "journey" off the front lawn to hide in amongst those very branches to have picnics with my best friend. The "circle" was a ready made Terabithia where the kids on the street congregated for games of kick the can, and hide and seek. So close to home, with a feeling of being in the middle of a forest..........far away from our Moms.
The trees and the shrubs are familiar and not so familiar. They offer me the most startling cue that time has passed. I try to play catch up through remember whens.
___________________________
Places
Today, we drove into Toronto for a day at the Science Centre. It's located close to where I used to work at the Rehab Centre. The last time I was at this amazing place was when I took a group of kids from the Centre for a field trip.......5 of them all in wheelchairs, me and a volunteer. A long time ago. The memories wash over me as I look around for the familiarity. I spot a group of individuals being helped out of a van close to the entrance. They look bewildered and hold on tight to their support workers. I hear one of them make sounds like he is trying to find words as he rocks in his wheelchair. My son notices too and asks me if that was the van that I used to drive.......if I know these people from where I used to work.
No, I tell him. But the scene looks very familiar to me. They are different people, but familiar. I tell him a quick story of one of the kids who had been with me then.
The Science Centre itself has grown in leaps..........more interactivity, more technology, staying in touch with where we are now in this world. We spend an amazing hour watching an Imax film on climbing Mount Everest..........we take part in an experiment in electricity which makes our hair stand straight up...........we explore various sites teaching us a little of biology, a little of physics..........a whole room of activities related to sports and the body.
Fascinating. Wonderful to share with my own children.........learning and teaching together. A new perspective............new memories.
On the way home, we decide to take the highway which leads to downtown Toronto. I love Toronto, and miss it deeply on days like this. It has so much to offer...........so much to do. It was home for a while. Our drive takes us past familiar buildings, parks, and exits that lead to familiar haunts........but I see the passage of time as we pass new construction, new offices interspersed and at times blocking the view of the familiar. When we reach the point in the highway where we are aligned with the CN Tower, the Royal York, the Skydome and all of the points of interest along the Lakeshore, I am welled by remember whens and the desire to return. But, I know it's not home, that I have grown in a different direction......one that pulls and lures with satisfaction. The reality is.........I wouldn't be happy living here, now. It's just nostalgia getting in the way...........
___________________
People
Tonight, we visited my husband parents for dinner. I hadn't seen them since last summer and they have aged even more than I expected. Their appearance startles my daughter into a paralysis. Her appearance surprises them too......the fact that my daughter has grown up into a tall beautiful adolescent when in their minds she is still a tiny little baby on her baptismal day.......... we have all changed on the outside. It takes some getting used to.
As much as we tried to prepare the kids, there really is no way to prepare them for last stage aging of their grandparents who not so long ago were vibrantly active. We all manage to shake it off and eventually fall into a discussion of remember whens. It's familiar ground........safely full of good times and good laughs of summer fun in Nova Scotia........beach suppers and campfires and parties.........of Christmases shared....the games played......previous visits. Familiar ground also helps jog their aging memories, while also revealing glaringly how spotted their memories really are now.
People, places and things................ever evolving, taking on a new sheen. Some are startling, while some are comfortably acceptable. As I sit here in the quiet of the late night, I realize that I'm mostly startled.
10 comments:
That shot is beautiful with the red and white.
I have nowhere to go to feel that way anymore. My parents moved many times so I can't sit in my childhood living room although if I close my eyes I can remember every detail of it. I remember the sunlight coming through the picture window creating a big, yellow square on the brown carpet and my Mom sitting on the floor reading the paper in front of the tv in the sun. Guiding Light was on the television and the white cat mom painted in ceramics perched in front of the fireplace.
I have decided that I will not be moving. I want my children to be able to return to the home of their youth with their own children. It's important to me...especially now.
anna.......love the red and white. Cardinals are my fav winter bird. they are in abundance right now in this area.
Sunny.......your comments have made me step back and look around again....I sometimes take the fact that I can return to this house for granted. It is a constant and a blessing....and an anchor for all of us.
Your home will also be the anchor for your family, and your garden this summer will be a healing one......full of lilies and colour to remember your mom by.........your garden Jen will be your anchor to your mom.....and the sunlight will shine down on you. take care..... :)
Excellent writing ... a memoir in the making. Much peace, JP
That's nice... and kind of sad at the same time. I have been thinking back to the late sixties and seventies lately. It might be because so much in the world of foreign policy is reminiscent of that time or maybe it's because I have been studying so much of what i remember first hand - my peers in school don't.
And maybe I'm just getting old!
Mike
My parents have lived in their same house for all of their married life (49 years this year).
They have had the same phone number since the 70's, my little plastic duck on wheels is still in the attic, my school books, my sled, crazy carpets/toboggan's , mom's pots & pans that were a wedding gift....the house has taken on some renovation over the years but it has never really changed. Can you say "pack rat"?
My brother used to live a block away from the Science East Centre, its a wonderful area.
Memories are interesting to read, whether bad or good. The old saying "you can't go home again" is partly true, isn't it? You can't go "home" because too much there has changed and it will never be exactly like you remember it. But that's good too, because no change means stagnation (in people and places).
isn't it strange how we move on and yet a part of us remains connected to the places we have been ? it's all part of the story that is so important - that knowing where we have come from, the understanding of family history, of how we fit in... or not....
my children are fascinated to know about the places and times before they were born, and I wanted them to know at least one set of grand parents as they grew up -
I think the remember whens are important, but they are never without their emotions thats for sure...
be gentle with yourself and take care,x
Deb......perhaps.....there are many ideas churning in my little noggin right now....good stuff that may one day see the light of day.....who knows?
hey Mike.....definately mixed emotions through reflections of another time. As much as I am one to look forward and to try to remain centred in the present, history.....on a personal or global level, offers us answers and some guidance for the pending choices we make.....I find however, because I don't live close to family and my hometown, I can easily get blindsided by too much history thinking. It would be nice to have the opportunities more spread out and not crammed into a week of visiting. :)
Tay......like your situation, this has been my parents home since I was 2. I can't imagine them ever moving out of it. Lots of changes to the house along the way, but the core is definately the same.
Judy.....totally agree with you. Change.....fuels life, promotes growth.
Katie......great points. I agree. This visit has been different in one way. The stories I have shared with my daughter are much more layered than in the past. she's old enough now to want to know about the chemistry between relationships etc.....you know, the good stuff details. She is seeing the "stories" she has been told in the past of traditions and family lore with an adolescent headspace...... we've had many interesting conversations that's for sure.
I like how this post tries to get at the mystery of change and continuity, home and exile, time passing and eternal now.
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