It feels likes it been quite a long time since I purposefully closed the curtains on the outside world and opened the inside windows to have a look. Ahhhhhhhh! It seems like the only time I manage to do so is when I'm spent.... saturated with stories, pressures, overwired with connections.
I yearn for it.
I think about it.
Even try to plan for it,
but my own life churning keeps it at bay....... keeps the curtains open.
Intentionally I avoid it until I'm at the emotional razor's edge when the sense of claustrophic lack of oxygen hovers.
Fear. Fear of the unknown.
Fear of it being too emotionally naked.
I know better. I need it more often. Yes, this morbidly open mouthed extrovert needs more quiet time than ever before. Not just when I'm stretched out relaxing in the bathtub. I've learned the medicinal elixirs stirring in silent mediation. It lessens the weight. It opens the pores to light. Beautiful light.
Tonight, as I sit cuddled up in a chair which is pulled up to the fireplace,
clusters of candlelight flicker dance
above and below,
sending blended scents of ordinary aromas.....
lingering memories I breathe in with no effort.
clementine blossoms, iced pine,
crisp linen, seashore heather,
I watch the fire flicker into embers.
In the glowing.
Sweet whistles of captured summer rains
sizzle like birdsong
Flames waffle with the sound reminiscent of flapping sheets on the clothesline
spark crackle embers tango with maple yule
send searing heat rays
kissing my barefeet cold from winter floorboards.
compressing my cheeks like the warmth from my grandmothers hands.
I close my eyes......
music filters all around me
choirs of soprano faith hit high echo notes
gently bouncing off cupolas of old cathedrals
voice instruments that soothe ancient shadows
madrigal hymns that massage tired souls
encircling my space like angel goodness
to help persuade dark thoughts to take flight.
for sorrow to latch onto white waves
capping constant rolling currents that flow past.....
thoughts float in through the open windows
and settle into my awareness
gaps, once clogged in chatter welcome the thoughts
old questions, retooled doubts,
mysteries laden with burdensome timber
accompany the thoughts, transforming them into feelings.
harsh feelings of hurt and broken promises.
I ask why.
I ask why..... again......
My stomach begins to churn again.
Restless phantoms threaten to dissolve stillness into sorrow.
I breathe in scented reassurance....
I breathe out relief
I breathe in sensory enhancing trembles.
I breathe out relief mixed with grins.
Letting realities settle.
Choirsong gently softens the edges
turning sorrows and hurt into ashes and embers
that fall below the flames
Sounds like flapping sheets in the wind
sweet whistles of captured summer rain
I realize stillness can only visit if one welcomes sorrow beforehand.
in the glowing.....
layers of forgiveness feed the fire
let it go
let it go
soprano faith spills into my sanctuary
bouncing off cupolas of ancient cathedrals
echoing assurance that in life we are never alone.
'tis the season when change is the most trying
when naughty newness is frowned upon
when miracles are dismissed as lies
when judgement wags the know it all finger
when transitions leave stretch marks on swollen bellies
ready to burst under the discomfort....
Embers slowly accumulate under the dying fire
by the melted candlewax.........
A star begins to shine brightly on forgiveness
on peace, love, acceptance and hope
as we prepare for receiving the gift of birth.
Comfort and Joy.
Comfort and Joy.....
while the choir of ancient angels harmonize hearts and souls........
Christmas is nearly here.....
Thank you for helping me open my heart to the spirit of the season.
Letting me breathe in the stark realities without falling apart
Showing me how to breathe out empathy, peacefulness and forgiveness
Please keep reminding me that the least deserving, the ones who have cause pain, who have shown no remorse in their selfish actions are the ones in my life who need to be loved the most.
Thank you God for this season of Advent and for helping me to embrace its meaning
so as to let go of what may never have meaning.
As the embers cool from close-up fires, I am learning to let go.
I am learning.......