Saturday, June 06, 2009

deception....


Who lives on the island called Fool's Paradise surrounded by a mirage of delusionary hope? YOU DO! I know, I know ... you deny this vehemently ....
Who cries out with incessant histrionics too painfully misguided to be believable except to the one who cries the purple tears? YOU DO! Yeah...sure ... I hear your whacky explanation. I don't believe it.
How does someone function under such fantasies instead of the truth? And why? Why does someone work so damn hard not to be honest about their behaviour, both past and present? Is it because they spend all of their energy living a lie, creating many facades that NEVER interact with one another that somewhere along the line the truth has become so diluted by crocodile tears? Have they been so wounded and abused in the past that they don't have the capacity to act any differently because they really don't trust anyone? Wow, what a lot of work!

For a long time, you tried to keep me close as you manipulated your way through the maze of deception. I saw through your act ages ago. You know this.....and it terrifies you. I have become part of your deepening haunting shadow and you hate me for it. I have joined the previous folks who saw through your convoluted web and into your obsessive need to play a role, to wear a mask, to don a people pleasing persona even though deep down... the folks who clearly see that you think you're better than everyone else on this planet and this scares you to a point where you're determined to try to keep me close. Sad, pathetic, so alone YOU. Yes, entitlement is your achilles heel, as is your unrelenting belief that you are pure and unblemished.....that YOU do nothing wrong. You give, and give and give.....and why does the rest of the world not understand all that you have forfeited?

You trust no one.....NO ONE..... but like a hungry black widow, you keep this secret under wraps. Too bad your hunger is too ravenous, which at times makes you let that false skin down only to reveal your vulnerabilities.

What is interesting is that when you write.....you attempt to describe your vulnerabilities. You choose words carefully..........NOTHING comes out of you that you havent poured your energy assessing, contemplating, regurgitating. But, once someone realizes how wounded you really are, your vulnerabilities, used as weapons to trigger others seem juvenile.... pendantic.... pathetic.

What you hide, you hide from yourself. What you reveal? Here's the secret..... you reveal your sorrowful soul.... exactly what you are trying your hardest to keep under wraps. Why can't you just be honest about how you really feel, what you really think instead of trying to hammer a wedge between others? Why can't you just admit you're threatened and you need help? Why can't you come forward and admit your wrongdoings?

Why? Because the feelings you so aptly write about are feelings you never dare to embrace fully. Or maybe you do, but you can't imagine anyone else feeling the same way. It's like the intensity of how YOU feel outweighs anyone's elses. It's all very strange. I call it passive aggressive foreplay. Play on... by yourself.

What would happen if you did decide to leave the island of Fool's Paradise? Gee, maybe you'd find your soul.......and leave behind the "poor me" fashion and the "Nobody understands me" bullshit. Maybe you'd get real....to admit who you really are and learn to love yourself.

Deception....you intrigue me with your mind twisting confusion because I want to know the reason behind your need to control the relationships you eventually mess up. I wonder how you can keep things straight.... how you keep the revolving door of people in your life straight. Who have you told what whipped up story to????

I guess it comes down to the fact that you don't trust a soul. Always on the tipping point of being revealed as the con artist human you are, you never relax except when you drown yourself in the addiction of choice.....food, booze, drugs.....sex. When does it stop? Can you stop or are you suffering something greater than a good look in the mirror would help.

Can I suggest something? Can I suggest that it's time to seek help.....professional help and begin to admit the reason behind your incessant lies, rouge cheeked faces, your phoney posturing? Its time to stop the emotional manipulation. It's time to lift your veil to reveal you own brokenness. It's time to fess up, deal with whatever demons you harbour and heal.

And please stay clear of my life.... I'm sick of your head games, your lacey cheap perfumed attempts at empathy, and I won't let them or YOU interfere with my life anymore. Your mind games have become boring. The time I have spent trying to help and to figure you out has dried up.

ps....HEY! Anyone out there who has felt the whoring of deception in their lives before?? It's a mindtrip, thats for sure.

12 comments:

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

you amaze me.

Awareness said...

I do? How so?

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

oh girl. i read this once...read it twice with my heart pounding in my chest... and then read it a third time feeling a little breathless.

hell yes. hell yes. hell yes.

and why do i say hell yes?

because you could have been writing about parts of me 10 years ago.

and the person that i am now? still feels some shame for the pathetic jackass i used to be. but only a little shame and not for long.

holy shit but you can nail it. time after time after time.

i feel like i came to church AND got a shot in the ass.

paulwchambers said...

this is one of the best, if not THE best post i have ever read in blogland - barbara is right!
x

Rainbow dreams said...

wow, some post!!

hey and congratulations on the job front :)

Brother David said...

I echo the comments above.. Great writing.
This place is very real and needs revealing for what it is. I also love the photograph, it fits the words so well.

Awareness said...

Irish Heather.... You got me thinking more deeply on this because i wrote it as a means to understand the behaviour of a few I had in mind and neglected to see the universality of it...! I honestly didn't believe it would have such an impact. Guess i was deceiving myself eh? ooops!!

So...my thoughts this morning take me into my own learning and the times i too have had to resort to deception as a means for survival...as a way of coping (albeit not in a healthy way) with a life situation. I also thought more about the people I have crossed paths with who live in this nasty place every single day and can't see it if the spotlight was glaring down on it. They can be hurtful, mind twisting people who are soooooo wounded but would never in million years admit that they need help or that somehow they have any control over it. Shit happens to them. They are the ultimate victims.
Theres a huge difference.... a big gap between feeling helpless because of what we are experiencing, what we are going through at the time, and allowing Deception to swallow your very being. I pity the ones who have chosen to relinquish their spirit to this monster, and I believe that for the most part it is the core of sociopathic behaviour. If you were to look up Borderline Personality Disorder, you'd see a description of a person who lies and deceives as easily as breathes.

This is actually the type of person I was writing about.

We humans have 5 basic needs which drive our thinking, feeling, actions/behaviour: Survival, Love and Belonging, Empowerment/Control, Fun, Freedom. This is based on William Glasser's work on Choice theory and its the underpinning of much of what I try to share in a counselling session. If we have suffered from rejection, abandonment, abuse of any kind... if we feel a strong inner feeling of poverty (which we all do and for different reasons) our automatic response is to COPE.... is to FILL our needs. Unfortunately deception, like suppression, denial, repression isn't too healthy a choice for long bouts of time. However, in some circumstances.....it is a life saver.

and can I just add Irish heather? Your honesty is like a good whiff of sweet grass blowing in the breeze up in the field. Bravo!!

Paul....Your comment blows my mind. I wasn't expecting this feedback. I guess it came from an accumulation of growing thoughts and feelings I was storing up? For some reason the lyrics to The Boxer come to mind this morning..... "just a come on from the whores on 7th avenue...." I just realized that Simon and Garfunkel were really writing about truth and deception....

I would love to read more of your thoughts on this piece.

Katie...thanks. Good to know this piece spoke to you as well.
I'm looking forward to the new job challenge.

Awareness said...

David...I wish I had taken that photo. I don't even know now where I found it to give the person credit for it...it was so long ago that I saw it but I thought it fit well here too.
It's so difficult to pull out of the woven web of deception when we try so hard not to look into our own shadows and darkness. I find it easier to delve there knowing that God won't turn His back if I do reveal the truth of whatever sins I have committed.

a mouthy irish woman? ridiculous! said...

would you believe that i had an ex, who is a paramedic and goes to the inet FOR ALL. he tagged me with the title "borderline personality disorder". and then advised my therapist that was what he thought my problem was.

i still get a good head shaking laugh over that one.

depression, situational depression, post traumatic stress syndrome...i've worn a few different tiaras. and i am very comfortable with the fact that these illnesses will probably be with me in some form or fashion for the rest of my life.

but they don't define me now. i can recognize them knocking. and instead of denial in the form of lies and running away or shopping myself into a zero bank balance? i open the door, ask them in and find out what the purpose of their visit is.

therapy, coping skills and above all SELF LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE were the key for me.

and people like you. who write beautiful truths like this. that i seem to stumble upon when i need a reminder of exactly who i am and where i came from.

you really don't have any idea the level of peace your posts give me.

serendipity my dear.

Gilly said...

"therapy, coping skills and above all SELF LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE were the key for me."

Irishwoman, you've said it all!
(Though now I cope so well I sometimes wonder quite who I am. Will I ever find out for sure??)

Jen aka Pinky said...

Whoa. You could be writing to me here, minus the intensity of it all.

I'm in the beginning stages of recovery, and finding it very difficult to be brutally honest with myself (foremost) and with others.

But like you said, it's a coping mechanism. I'm learning. I'm learning that I (and I alone) get to determine who my safe people are...where I'm safe. I can't give other people that power over me. Thankfully, I am fully accountable to a handful of wonderful people, emotionally sober people.

Wonderful post.

Awareness said...

Irish Heather....Self love and acceptance is key and it only comes from a place of forgiveness and acceptance especially after an emotionally manipulative relationship experience. In my mind, this type of abuse is THE most damaging because it is so nebulous and so difficult to prove. It's like living/drowning a nightmare and no one else is paying attention. Though in no way am i taking away from the severity of physical and sexual abuse, which more times than not accompany the emotional abuse....its just so intangibly brutal at times.

Deception....used by the perpetrator is abuse. They are sick soul destroying people who more times than not won't admit it. They continue to try to damage others with their ways because to look inward would be like staring into the pits of Hell.

Deception used by the person trying to survive? That's coping, body, mind and spiritually..... until professional help can trustfully intervene and guide.

No one should have to endure this... and yet it happens so damn frequently it's epidemic.

You most likely have read about the stages of post traumatic stress and crisis.... ? I am thinking I'll write on this later this week.... But, one of the main stages we go through while healing is numbness. This can last for a long time. Our actions and reactions in this stage seem unexplainable to others who may be observing. But, it is done as a means of survival.

I'm so glad you're living your life on the other side of such trauma....and finding your way so beautifully. And if what i've shared on here has offered you peace....I am so honoured. thank you xxx


Gilly.... I agree too. I think Heather nailed it.

A toast to our journey to healing and wholeness....shine on!

Jen...it was an intense piece wasn't it? I've had a storm of a response....both in emails and in the comments.

As much as we want to quickly get to a place where we are recovered, it does take time. I wish you patience and all that you need to grow and heal. It truly is a process of baby steps as you walk towards a new place to be. I'm glad to know you have people around you whom you can trust and who have walked the journey before you. Never hesitate to ask for help.... All they need is to hear you ask.
And never forget to recognize just how beautiful you are every single day ... xx