Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Bring down the Budget. Enough already!

Have you ever tried to drive on black ice? Have you ever tried to steer a car when its lost its grip? The thing about black ice besides not being able to see it in time is that you can traverse over it without many problems if you're aware of its potential existance. Its the anticipation of it.........of the danger a slim film of ice coating a road that helps the driver to react and respond to it differently than you would on a dry stretch. But all the awareness in the world....all of your multi sensory alertness can't predict the random time when the tires hit the ice at precisely the perfect pitch and sends the vehicle spinning out of control and careening into danger.

This is the analogy which surfaced in my head while driving to visit a client in his home yesterday over the backroads of this province. Not only do I always prepare myself as best as I can for whatever situation I am about to find myself in.......home visits can be like that........99 percent of the time danger free....1 percent of the time no so....... I realized that since late fall, I have been feeling like I have been driving along anticipating a huge patch of black ice, predicting I was about to spin out. Black ice driving is bloody stressful and zaps you of energy. Its the waiting for it, and the anticipation of it that just about does you in.....

Today, the black ice budget will finally be released. Today, the people of this province will learn how their elected leaders have decided to deal with the impact of the economic lay of the land. No one more than the people who work within its governmental infrastructure have been waiting, anticipating and trying to emotionally and financially prepare for it's predicted dangers.

Waiting is the bane of trying to "live in the moment...." Though you could argue that if you're feeling all the neck tension and sleep deprivation which often accompanies the waiting, you are most definatly living in the freaking moment. In fact "the moment" gets stretched out beyond the borders of normal time. It makes the MOMENT seem like an existential day with no exit. THIS KIND OF WAITING IS NO FUN.

I don't think that's what the gurus of mindfulness meant. No, they want you to BE ONE with the wait by sacrificing it to the surrendering Gods. Or maybe theres a specific fat fairy who hovers above the clouds waiting for an opportunity himself to earn his wings that you are supposed to channel. Maybe the fat fairy is supposed to swoop down while you slumber and take control of that nemesis MR WAIT by sprinkling it with rationalization dust and prayerful powders. I think the fat fairy got his walking papers. He's no where to be seen.

It's a Wonderful Life ain't it?

Waiting....ticktockticktockticktock.....when does the damn alarm go off??

There is no inner calm when one is in "wait mode...." I havent felt an inner calm since the rumours began to swirl last fall.........first like light snow flurries and then like a full on snowstorm.... And it wasn't like the rumours came out of no where. Some in fact were strategically placed and came with warnings whispered in hallways and seriously spoken of in meetings. Unkind, unhelpful, unmanaged, these rumours spread like patches of black ice, invisible to the eye but anticipated by the GUT. And when you've been told in confidence to "be prepared....be proactive....look after yourself.........GET the salt ready!!!!" Well, all you can do is try to do just that as well as wait....AS well as try to work in an environment that has lost its traction.

Reactive, proactive, responsive, submissive, sleep deprived....staying alive... in the waiting room. Will my number ever be called?

Today the majority of civil servants will drive across the black ice and carry on. Some however will have to manage the spin out. No one knows who will make it. No one knows who will land in the snowbank. No one knows who will be given a bag of salt to throw on the black ice before they drive over it and onto a new road in their personal journey.

It's the waiting that just about kills you........ and personally I am absolutely drained from its wicked ways. I am SO ready to deal with whatever comes my way today or in the fallout of this gloom and doom budget. Because you know what I've learned as I waited in the lobby of the RUMOUR MILL? I've learned that whatever happens, it may be the biggest blessing YET!

They have no idea how much emotional damage they have done. No IDEA! The loyalty gas tank is hovering on empty. There are only the fumes of trust left.

Now, can someone from the Dept. of Transportation please salt the roads? You guys are still around right?


Independent Chick said...

Today is going to be a day isn't it?! Been talked about for what seems like forever and now here it comes. I'm just here for a good time not a long time anyway so I've been a little stressed anyway.

From a past life, I know what it's like to be living on the fumes of trust. Why anyone in a position of power wants to put that on their people I have no idea...but they do.

I've got my bag of sand ready. I don't really want to hit the snowbank. It's custy and it hurts. I'm pretty adaptable. Hand me the sand and I'll make a sand castle...

Anonymous said...

Well written love & related to every word.

Ive bitten the bullet on my own prediciment. I will hand my resignation in on Tuesday. I walked out on Sunday night knowing I will never go back.

I have no job and will join the unemployed. I have no partner to rely on. Will be on a 10th of the pay I had, no savings, and in debt but I decided I could take no more and will deal with life as it comes.

I want a life and I want to be with my daughter, my loyalty tank is empty.

Sorry didnt mean to waffle on about me, but sometimes your worse case senario can be the best move life throws at you.

Hang in there love...x

pst, dont mention it on any of my sites as they are monitored by management (no one elses just mine, laugh)

Awareness said...

IC....looks like they cut the ferries on St. Patrick's Day! How ironic. :)
Nothing lasts forever...which is why whatever really rolls out (and it looks like it will be much longer to get the full meal deal post budget)it will be looked upon as a blessing in my books. Que sera, sera...

A'Jay...I don't know if you feel brave, but what you've chosen to do is exactly that. And my gut tells me you are going to be just fine. The skills and gifts you have compliment your integrity and big heart.... all good things!

I'm sure you'll feel it both financially and emotionally for a bit, but in the long run, all I can say is I believe you will land on your feet with a big huge smile on your face.

bon chance, mon ami.

ps. so far, i missed the cuts. we carry on.

Mark said...

I love the black ice analogy. I would not be surprised to hear some savvy news reporter or economist to pick up this and use it to describe the current economic environment.

Scarlet said...

Yes, I too like the black ice analogy.
Clever girl! :)

Having been canned 3 times in these precious economic times in which we currently reside, I know how you're feeling.
Just be as prepared as humanly possible.

Anonymous said...

Waiting really is a form of torture. It does my head in. I can handle most things except for the waiting. Even when good things happen and someone says: 'It was worth the wait, wasn't it?', I'm not so sure because of what the waiting has done to me.

I hope it's good news for you and that the black ice disappears.

Awareness said...

Mark...thanks :) I did share it with my local radio morning show this morning but it wasnt read aloud though I received a nice reply/response.
Some of my best ideas/analogies seem to hit me when i'm out driving around visiting clients. I have to pull over on occasion to capture the thought...which I DID yesterday.

Scarletina.... You know I have never believed jobs were permanent and should never be looked upon as such. What has irked me and stressed me out was the waiting and the consistent mishandling of the human beings affected by the rumours and threats. It looks like things for me personally may be in reprieve, but the fallout of the budget will take weeks to be revealed.
I'm fine and getting stronger everyday. ;)

Selma. Me too. By the time I gave birth, I was an exhausted MESS! I thought I'd enjoy being pregnant, but it completely and utterly sucked because while I waited, my imagination when into overdrive.
The only activity I seem to be good at the waiting is with my writing. I guess because it is what my imagination can feed.
The black ice is still around. The budget had some specifics, but it also was quite vague on purpose. So, the announcements on program and services cut will trickle out away from the glare of the media.

Anonymous said...

Glad you missed the cuts... tis funny this began last Nov, when lawyers arrived from Sydney and took my boss out... I screamed blue bloody murder....

Tis since then that Management have stalked me, harrassment and bullying... I should of bitten the bullet then & left with my boss & with my integrity, but I was scared of being unemployed...

I guess girl, Im saying be prepared.. and that can come down to the day to day things..food, bills, debts... As your name says, you are Awesome (in the short time Ive known you, amazingly so)

Incredibly hard in welfare, but put yourself first, get ready, and lean on the supports you have..

Truth be known, Im glad you made the cut... bloody proud of you actually... ;)

Awareness said...

Thanks A'Jay. I have a tremendous group of friends close by who are like family and my family though far away are always supportive. It truly helps as I continue to slog away trying to find a career home.

It is unfolding and i have a workplan mtg today that looks like a pretty good sign ....like you...can't be too specific here. I would love to write more about my thoughts and feelings on this budget, but can't bite the hand that feeds at present. :)

my passion is feared...as is yours.

however, i will never let go of that passion.

I am prepped as best as i can and have several sticks in the fire with a glow on. :)

ps. amazing how quickly a connection can happen between two who begin at a point of understanding what makes each other tick, eh?

cheers to you!!! am walking on the beach with you today.