Morning Radio

"Scatter JOY"
Emerson

My city is relatively small, though feels larger than other cities the same size. This has to do with the fact that it is the provincial capital with a big public service sector, home to two universities, the now nationally infamous Beaverbrook Art Gallery, an active arts community, and a river that runs through it. Steeped in Canadiana history, which is visible just by walking along Queen Street downtown past the old soldier's barracks and Officer's square, Fredericton has a city feel to it. What makes it so special is the village feel to it, where people know one another, where there is a sense of familiarity. I was reminded of this feeling while listening to the local CBC morning program this week.


Every year, like many businesses and organizations all over, CBC orchestrates a Christmas fundraising drive. Last year, they focused on collecting turkeys for the local food bank to distribute. This year, they kickstarted a program called "Feed a Family" about a week ago and have since raised over $50,000.00 so far. Tomorrow is the last day. All week, morning radio has been the impetus of promoting and scattering joy.........they have opened their doors to welcome community members to stop for a coffee and treat on the way to work to drop off any donations and all week the "listening audience" has done just that.

Throughout the morning show, interspersed with newsy interviews with politicians from various levels of government, sports and weather updates, the CBC host jumps in to chat with someone who has just dropped in for coffee and treats........and to add to the coffers. Some names and voices are familiar to me as I see them in my city from time to time, many organizations are well known....... all seem to feel a sense of connection to the host and crew at the CBC because they listen most mornings.........you kind of feel like you do know them. These chats and the stories behind the donations made to the Feed a Family fund are much more enlightening and meaningful than any of the political wingeing going on over budgets and deficits and broken election promises.......in fact the joyful scattering makes the political postering insignificantly petty.

Some stories................................

• A woman arrived with two freshly baked pies for the coffee and treat room........ She announced on the radio that she would make two pies of any kind a month for a year, plus two for Christmas dinner to the highest bidder.........the money going to the fund.

• A retired gentleman who took up knitting with gusto only 4 years ago and has since made over 100 sweaters had an idea in the middle of the night. He has knitted everyone and their cousin a sweater. No one needs another one. So, he thought he would offer to knit someone the sweater of their choice to the highest bidder.........the money going to the fund.

• This morning, the local rotary club president arrived with a cheque for $2000.00 that was raised throughout the year in small increments. He set up a challenge to all other service organizations.

• Another active morning listener who often calls in or sends email feedback on a story stopped by to give one of the radio crew a football jersey of his favourite team and a donation from his office of over $400.00 that was collected this fall from "dress down" Fridays in his office, plus a donation from his own family. Being a Red Sox fan, he challenged all other Red Sox fans to match his personal donation.

And on and on and on............................scattering joy.....................making the city feel like a welcoming community village...............

The other night, my family and I went over to the Community Kitchen to help decorate it. It was there that I heard a wonderful story of generosity....... a woman arrived out of the blue with a car load of gift wrapped toys she had purchased from the backpay she received when her salary increase arrived. $1000.00 worth of toys for kids........to scatter joy.

Tomorrow, we find out who gets a new sweater and who gets to eat pie all year long. The final tally will be in............. it will be over their original goal. Many families will have food for their cupboards and a turkey on their tables..........I wish we could bottle this community spirit to uncork in the middle of February when no one's paying attention to the pantry. Joy needs to be scattered throughout the year.

faith

"Faith is a passionate intuition"
Willliam Wordsworth

The cliche "seeing is believing" really doesn't make the cut all on it's own because if you have a strong belief in someone or something, you have to feel it deep in your gut. Reinforced by the conclusion in our thinking that there is no way it can't be true, faith materializes.

As much as we strive for facts............show me, tell me, prove to me........passionate intuition is the depth of our trust. Trust in people.......trust in circumstantial happenings...... trust in the broader reason behind events which may not seem to have any rhyme or reason........ trust in receiving guidance to make the right decisions ...... trust in God.

Yesterday, two separate people stories intertwined. It fed the passion behind my intuition. It strengthened my faith.

Last summer I met a woman through my work travels. Alone in the world after caring for both her parents when they were ill and dying, and then experiencing the disolution of her marriage, she found herself suffering from depression and physical pain. She had recently moved to town to be closer in proximity to her sister. Her home, located in a very large trailer park was filled with collections of things she has grown to rely on for comfort. Cozy and welcoming, one automatically felt like you'd entered a safe sanctuary. We spent a couple of hours talking at her kitchen table, mostly about her health issues at first and then onto broader topics ranging from faith, family and friends. It was apparent that this woman may have felt quite lonely before she moved into the community, but she had the ability and motivation to reach out......to meet many others and to begin to develop a new familial type of support.

Her story stayed with me, and I had often wondered about how she was doing.

In September, I met with a man who's troubles were so painful and plentiful. It was difficult to know where to start to help him. He lives in the same trailer park, but his home was rundown beyond repair. The day I met with him, he had only a sleeve of crackers left to eat. He told me about caring for his dying parents, of how he had sustained a head injury when he was young from being hit by a car while driving his bike. He told me about how alone and tired and hungry he was.........how last winter he went 3 months without running water.......how he had tried and tried to get someone to help him repair his home......to fill in the holes left open from rotting wood.........winter cold winds whistling through. Work is allusive because his whole body hurts now.

Unbelievable, I thought. This man didn't live way out in the woods far away from help. His rundown home was only 10 minutes from my office. And yet, he could've been living as far away as Romania. It made me angry and so sad. His story dug deep under my skin. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder about him. Though he is now receiving a little more money because he is now recognized as having a disability which in the world of social assistance means a little more money, he is still living in a home that should have been condemned.

Yesterday, I spoke to the woman in the trailer park for the first time since we had originally met. She's feeling a bit better and wants to begin looking for part-time work. I could hear it in her voice.........she is on the mend, though will always have to live with the physical pain, her head is clearing. I shared that with her........." I can hear more hope......."

She confirmed this and told me about the connections she has made in her neighbourhood and how for the first time, her life is her own............and she has positive people all around her.

I asked her about Christmas....... "Do you have a Christmas hamper coming? What are your plans for Christmas dinner?" Not only is her hamper arriving TODAY, she has arranged for others in need to receive one. She has also opened her home and offered her bountiful table to share with her new "family." Then, by fate she mentioned the man who lives in squalor and pain.

She had no idea that I had met him. She had no idea how deeply his story affected me. At first, I simply listened to her "take" on his story.........and how sad it made her feel. All stories are confidential. Sometimes they just can't be................ so, when she told me that he was joining her Christmas table for dinner............ I couldn't help myself!! "I can't tell you how relieved I am to know this! Tell him I have not forgotten him. (he has no phone) Tell him that I am working to find him a new home."

What a lift! What a booster of faith..............this woman who lives on $500.00 A MONTH to pay for all her bills is looking after her own community. Not only that, she found the man and has welcomed him into the fold! AMAZING!

After we said our goodbyes, I shared the story............passionately to the people who can make a difference. By the end of the day, it turned out that the man is now top on the waiting list for new homes. He will be moving in after the New Year.

A wink from the cosmos................... all meant to be.

What is mystery behind the gravitational pull between two people?
How is it that kindreds find one another?

frontline life

I wrote this at the end of the workday. Actually it wrote itself, spilling out of me to share with my co-workers this Christmas season.

Frontline Life

Out in the field
Our days are filled
By heart sore people stories
Soaked in sorrow
Choked in breath catch pain
Eased with salving comfort
Connecting, Expressing, Listening, Experiencing
While learning about other's life tapestries.

Out in the field
Our hands are tied
By harsh restrictive rules
Dashed with frustration
Lifted by fresh ideas
Lightened with hope
Exploring, Wondering, Questioning, Reframing
While learning from other's life tapestries.

Out in the field
Our hearts are opened
By raw needful requests
Burdened in crisis
Singed by immediacy
Touched by compassion
Imploring, Reacting, Solving, Giving
While learning about our own life tapestry.

Out in the field
Our lives are enhanced
By real life drama
Spoken from poverty
Woven with story threads
Shaded in people hues
Interacting, Disclosing, Listening Loving
While creating our personal tapestries.

This is why we live the frontlines. It's what matters. The gathering of and learning from the story threads, woven into our own fabric........a gift from the human beings who have shared them with us. Our lives are far more richer because of these gifts.

leonard's sweet poetry

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing
Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew her
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Today, I will sing this song to myself..............and possibly out loud if need be. This will be on my tongue. Such a beautiful song. Such beautiful lyrics. Hallelujah, the word of joy and praise. It sweeps anger out of your heart.

Back on top

On top of the world.

"For all of us who are alive, life is the real issue. Yet so often we judge our existence by the things that happen to us—by whether things are going our way or not. Sometimes we feel strong—strong enough to dictate our future. Sometimes we feel that we can make things happen. Then there are times when we feel totally helpless. But through all the dramas and bumps, there is life. There is the very powerful, very existence of every single human being”


I love the internet. It's chock full of gems we can mine for our own personal ruminations. This particular quote is the nugget I found this morning as I was searching for a lesson in perspective... a way of leveling out my intense feelings over my situation in my work life.

Friday morning, I found myself vibrating with frustration and anger which reached a crescendo that even scared me. I don't scare easily especially when it comes to the expression of emotion, so that's saying somethin'. I have learned, often the hard way, how much someone in my life can absorb or reflect feelings. Sometimes I express myself too deeply, or I say too much and have found that I am misunderstood or I have frightened them off so I do my best to gauge it, but sometimes it just spills out of me........it pours out of me. I'm not good at wearing masks and playing a role that doesn't feel completely genuine to me. That doesn't mean that I can't be diplomatic. I can. What it does mean is that I react, whether it's internally or expressed, to anyone who is not genuine and honest with their feelings.

I'm impatient with phonies......people who are living behind a thick papier mache mask trying to hide their faults rather than being honest with themselves and the rest of us who are impacted by their inability to admit their imperfections.........their true nature. It seems to me that if one is using all their energy to project an image of themselves that is dishonest, they have no energy left to do anything else. I know they are wounded. I get that. What I won't accept is when it's all covered in wordy gobbledeegook thrown my way.

We all feel helpless at times. That's life. Vulnerability is a naked merciful openness.....like tender new skin over a wound. It needs fresh air before a dressing can go on it. This weekend, I let it air while staying busy living life. Tonight, after a weekend of ruminations and contemplations and talking out my frustrations with people close to me , after a weekend of also getting stuff done........I'm ready to tackle the week. Still feeling a little raw, but with the knowledge that I have a say in my destiny. I can make things happen........................watch out!!

Oh...........and if I was elected Premier of this fine Province..........the first thing I would do is outlaw middle management, and pronounce to all..........."That's life! Move on!!"

my town

I love this photo of my downtown. Click on it to enlarge the photo. It's actually two photos merged together to form the vista. I saw the pic yesterday when I had a quick visit with fellow blogger, colleague and friend, Mr Mad Mac. Thanks Scott.

Christchurch Cathedral to the left........the bronze tower of the provinicial legislature in the middle. It has just recently restored. At 3pm on sunny days, the gleam from the sun touching the tower and bouncing off is spectacular. I make a point of checking it out whenever I can.

See the white square roof structure with the ribbon of colours on it? My office is right beside it, hidden behind that clump of trees...................I'm waving at you.

The scenery changes seasonally, but the reflection remains.......it's too wet and mucky for me to go sit by the river to soak through my own much needed personal reflections. I'm going to have to gaze at it from a distance this weekend.....a good long walk along the walking trail close by the water, a drive out to Keswick Ridge tonight, upriver from this particular site, to enjoy dinner with friends and their view of the river and some quiet family time in our living room where I can comfortably snuggle under a blanket on the couch with a book........to figure some stuff out.

And the river runs through...........cleansing away trivialities........revealing "beautiful imperfections"....... speaking volumes about the strength in recognizing one's own vulnerabilities.

Thank you Pip.

happy tired.

Late night quiet and sleepy.
I'm happy tired.
Content as I reflect on my busy day.
Sure there were many mini frustrations.
I'm not focusing on those.
They have been filtered out.
Sand though my hands.
What's left are the shells.
Tiny perfect wave worn ocean jewels.
All representing the connections that were made.
Today..........making me happy tired.

A father who was distraught over his daughter's safety and future as she continues to fight piercing demons in her head. He needed to share his grave and real concerns. Over the phone, miles away from one another we talked.
His daughter inflicts pain on herself and others. But, she's now temporarily in a special care home.

Safe for the time being. He can sleep tonight without such deep worries.

I asked him how his daughter's illness affects him. He tells me about his beliefs. We talk about church and community and family and support. We talk about Christmas. He shares a few stories of suicide attempts of assaults, of his daughter being taken advantage of by evil people. Like any parent, he wants to make the demons go away.
I tell him that I often meet with families who are living the same nightmare. I was able to let him know that I get it. I can't make it better, but I understood........feelings under the words. He's not alone. How lucky his daughter is to have such a strong compassionate person in her life. I assure him that he can call again......anytime.

A grown son and his mother. I met them in their home. We sat at the kitchen table. The cat was on my lap. Mom provided tea and cookies. I encouraged the son to tell me his story so that I could help him apply for a disability pension. Red cheeks, wet eyes, stumbling over stuck words, jumping from one thought to another, cursing his inability to explain his world to me.....that's how our conversation began. Frustration rushed to his blushed face.
He can't live alone. He can't find a job and keep it. His attention deficit disorder coupled with his anxiety have rendered him incapable of finding the words to describe what goes on in his uniquely wired brain. He has no filter..........bombarded with sensory overload, he can't focus on one task, on one thought, on learning how to make friends.
He told me that there are times when he is thinking about so many things at the same time that his brain feels like it is full of fizzy bubbles......zipping and zapping. He tries and tries and tries, but he never feels that he gets living his life right.

We sipped hot drinks.
The cat is a funny diversion.

From there, our three way conversation became lively and interactive.......asking, sharing, wondering, posing questions, stark answers, some laughter, a few tears..........engaged.


The red cheeks disappeared, as did the word stumbling. All of a sudden, the son is able to describe himself with confidence. The fizzy bubbles left his brain and he tells me he's better able to stop the word tripping because he knows I understand. What a difference I see! We talk and talk until it begins to get dark and I have to leave for home.........
As I was leaving, the Mom gave me a little bag filled with yummy dried apple rings sprinkled with cinammon and sugar she had made that day. For the ride home.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelicious.

I shared them with my kids while I told them about the son and his mom and how lucky I was to have met them.

Two of the many connections I have made today......... I wish I had the energy to share all of them with you.............. but I'm too happy tired.

Life is good. The lights are out.

Yes, Minister

You would've thought Queen La Deeee Dah was arriving to my office today given the level of feathered fur flying frenzy flapping all around me all week AND some of last week. There's nothing quite like a visit from the new government Minister to get management all a quivery in their booties. From the moment the announcement arrived declaring her intentions to meet the "wee" people, the boss squirrels have been busy collecting and assessing their nuts...... methinks some of them were cracked and misshapened when they fell from the tree.

Have you ever heard a squirrel squawk and chatter when they are all a flutter? Its an incessantly funny noise, but one you would seriously find irritating if it continued ad nauseum through many workdays. Despite the fact that my new office has walls......they are made of bristol board. The noise rattled and cackled manically, pitching to a crescendo this morning. The cackling boss squirrel was bouncing off the walls sounding at times like a bagpipe running out of air. It was so annoying and so unbelievably out of proportion. Luckily, I was able to beg off to a meeting with a group of wonderful community people who counsel and work directly with families who have experienced abuse and violence, thereby avoiding most of the kerfuffle. Committee work with meaning. When I was in my office, I tried to soothe the air with Haydn. Even Haydn couldn't cut the cackle, it was that offensive.

Why do people get so darned bent out of shape when a Government bigwig comes a calling? Honestly, they are elected officials............ yes, there is a need for some decorum, but to put them up on some pedestal and treat them like they are made of delicate blown glass is just plain goofy. Truth and sincerity goes completely out the window. Instead, a bunch of halllaaaabaaallloney is created in a fancy schmancy powerpoint presentation to impress and to ignore the facts. A schedule of events is created and recreated, discussed, assessed, changed, expanded, contracted, altered, and fine tuned, all at the expense of taxpayers.

It was decided that presentations over coffee in the boardroom where we the wee people could meet and greet La Dee Dah...... orders were given (honest to God) to "stick to the script" and the tight info sharing timelines. After the presentations, an entourage of squirrels would take her on a tour.......past a couple of dirt mounds where supposedly a couple of apartments are being built, a visit with a client (who was chosen after CAREFUL deliberation and input to choose the right one...........one who wouldn't go off the deep end and dump on the department heaven forbid......when I was asked for suggestions and told that they were afraid of any "outbursts" I shook my head and told them I couldn't think of one soul who didn't have a free will to say exactly what was on their mind.

The last stop was a small public housing cul-de-sac where 13 families including 30 kids live. This was the scariest part of the nerve wracking squirrel day because there was NO WAY they could control the outcome............they would have to trust the families and the kids.

So, the Minister arrived on time at 2:00 pm. I entered the boardroom from the back door thinking I would keep a low profile, but as luck would have it there she was...............casually dressed, hair a little mussed up from a winter hat, pouring people coffee. She turned to me immediately, hand out to shake and a big smile on her friendly human face and said enthusiastically........

"Hi, I'm Mary!"

I enthusiastically replied to the Right Honourable Big Boss Minister lady whom I'm supposed to address formally...........no curtesy mind you........but formally..............

"Hi Mary! I'm Muskie!"

Well, no I didn't say Muskie..........I said my real name....Awareness (ooops! I did the same thing years ago when I was 8 month preggers waddling onto a stuffed hot plane.....wanting only to sit and forget that I was flying because I hate flying and I was introduced to the then Premier by his wife whom I worked with at the Community College.....she said............"Muskie, I'd like you to meet my husband Frank." Without thinking............"Hi Frank. Nice to meet you. How did you enjoy Toronto? Mind the protruding stomach......it's just a bulging baby and it has made me puffy all over..............")

Today.........after our informal intros we started chatting about politics and how wonderful it is to learn and how much she's enjoying her new job, and how she's settling into her apartment........regular stuff. She reminded me of my Aunt who is as sociable and friendly as one can get. Worried squirrels looked on when she asked about a specific client issue she had learned about, wondered what could be done. She then pulled her executive assistant over to follow up with me. He and I chatted on and off throughout the presentation from the squirrel titans.

OUT came the big concept words that have no meaning when bunched together in between a list of "best practises" and "future visions" You ready for them...........................?

Integration, Sustainability, Self-Sufficiency, Self-Reliance, Team Cohesion

What was interesting was that the Minister asked real questions and she sat up on the desk comfortably.........she cut through the bullshit, talking plain talk. She was curious and engaged. No airs......

Then came another Mary, my colleague...................the only integrated, cohesive, self-reliant, doer in the bunch. She shone as she shared warm stories about community involvement, about members of the community stepping out of their high flying jobs to sponsor 35 public housing children to a party, and night at the theatre and a chance to meet the actors, about a little girl who took part in a dance workshop with the same group of kids but shone brightly in her dance moves........and how she is now taking weekly dance lessons with other girls her own age from all neighbourhoods, all because of the local arts community stepping up and supporting her.... how this little girl now has a "big sister" who melted at her story and stepped up anonymously to buy the little girl dance outfits and toe tapping shoes whenever needed. Brilliant stories!!!!

Too bad the fur flapping frenzied squirrels didn't hear a word she said, nor the emotional hope she spread. No..........they were all antsy and sweaty watching the clock, fretting over what my co-worker may say that was off script. The Minister heard it all. She saw through the bristol boardroom walls.

The visit to meet the families? Aside from the fact that the squirrels rushed both Mary's, the families spoke of their lives growing up in public housing, described their struggles, emphasized the importance of having a real connection to people like my Mary who works with them everyday, guiding and listening and coaching............. they spoke the truth. They spoke from their hearts. And all was well.

Why are people so afraid of real?

Staring at the fire.......

"As soon as you look at the world through an ideology you are finished.No reality fits an ideology. Life is beyond that. That is why people are always searching for a meaning to life. But life has no meaning; it cannot have meaning because meaning is a formula; meaning is something that makes sense to the mind. Every time you make sense out of reality, you bump into something that destroys the sense you made. Meaning is only found when you go beyond meaning. Life only makes sense when you perceive it as mystery and it makes no sense to the conceptualizing mind."

Anthony de Mello

Father de Mello has described a typical day, hasn't he? We are always striving to makes sense........to always wonder what the underlying meaning is behind everything.........instead of just living and letting ourselves live a mystery. Life is multi-coloured..........with many shades in between. It will never be starkly black and white no matter how hard we try. Mysteries have engagingly thrilling aspects as well as deeply frightening dark alley parts. You can't have one without the other can you?

And yet..............we will always ask why...........we need to figure it out. Especially when the balance is off kilter....between right and wrong, between joy and sorrow, between deep felt pain and euphoria.........between dark and light. We ask why while we search for balance of spirit. That's how our minds work.

Our thinking feeds our feeling. Our feelings feed our thinking. Our feelings and thinking feed our behaviour. All three feed our spirit......our "will". When one of these overrides the other two..........if we are overwhelmed with feelings, it most certainly impacts and distorts our thoughts. If we are stuck in a cognitive world always thinking while keeping our emotions at bay, locked up tightly with no access to expression, our thoughts get all twisted and our bodies start to ache. If we act impulsively without thinking and without acknowledging our feeling, we have the capacity to do mind numbingly stupid things.......without knowing the consequences until it's too late.

When the imbalance occurs..........we spend our time trying to figure out why we did something, or why we feel the way we do, or why we are thinking too much. Instead, I believe we need to focus on finding the balance sometimes and not ask the why question so often................ to have a little faith.......


We will continue to ask the questions of course. Mysteries are motivating. We will continue to experience a myriad of emotions and thoughts daily as we sort it all out........as we unravel the mystery and as we figure out the part we play in the mystery.

Easier written than lived..................yesterday a very close friend was flooded with feeling which made her body ache and her head throb. It was the anniversary of her son's death. He was tragically hit by a car in front of his home right after he got off the school bus. He would be in his 30's now. December 12th is always a day for my friend to surrender to grief.......

My friend and I worked very closely everyday on the frontlines for many years. She heard all of the same stories I have heard........ piercing her heart daily. She is a feeling person, my friend.......an open heart full of compassion for others. It was one of the big ways she learned to cope with her own grief......to offer her heart to others. Always. To be optimistic and expressive and sometimes defiant in her fight to make sure others didn't suffer so much. She is now home trying to tackle the physical aches and pain and hasn't been able to return to work in a long time. It took it's toll..........

The sun will rise on a new day today.........and my friend will find her way as she tucks her love for her son back into it's place in her heart......

Thinking of you Barb...........no answers, no words...........my friendship always.

thought du jour

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses,

to remember

that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which,

if you saw it now,

you would be strongly tempted to worship,

or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet,

if at all, only in a nightmare.

All day long we are in some degree, helping each other to one of these destinations."

CS Lewis

How strong our impact is on others. A simple hello accompanying a smile can easily be felt as a lifeline. You never know. You never know.

Hi

I've missed you. Where have you been?

You look like the whole world is on your shoulders.

How are you...............I want to know.

Take care

Stay close

Talk to me

Society is littered with self-help books emphasizing ethereal messages that self-acceptance is "inner work." It doesn't matter how others see you. It doesn't matter if you hear a constant barrage of negativity. If you do your own "inner work" you will see your own beauty. We seem to gobble these missives up, looking for the magical recipe that will turn our self-perceptions from weeds to flowers. Nonsense.

If only our spirits were so one-dimensional. We would have more control over how we feel about ourselves. Hearts don't work that way. Minds dont work that way........

We are social beings, sponges who thrive on interaction, on the fingertouches words and gestures from other human beings. Social interplay, starting with a simple salutation.

We need others to thrive..............

I was going to write a story about a young man I met yesterday but will save it for another day because I want to instead link you to my new friend Pip's blog post today. It is about another young man whose behaviour shouts............help. I wonder if his self-perception sponge wasn't filled with abuse and neglect when he was a child? How was his destination molded by the people around him? Can his destination be altered now that he has experienced the concern and care from two others?

Yes it can.............

As if anybody knows what I was talking about.......

Paul Simon is singing in the background and it makes me feel like dancing with diamonds on the soles of my shoes. I'll never forget the first time I saw him sing this on Saturday Night Live with Ladysmith Black Mambazo. It was vibrantly unique.........the melody and the merging of cultures. It's one of those songs I can't get enough of........it fills my office as I compose.


Today, these greyish walls, which I have adorned with inspirational signs of course, feel more expansive because I have been playing toe tapping dance wannabe tunes. I filled the air with the big band sounds of Frank Sinatra belting out Gershwin and Sammy Cahn classics........

The way you wear your hat
the way you sip your tea
The memory of all that.........
No, no - they can't take that away from me.

Or.............

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away..............
Once I get you there where the air is rarified
We'll just glide, starry eyed
Once I get you there I'll be holding you so near
You may hear angels cheer cause we're together...........

You humming yet???

I've sung to the Proclaimers........."I'm on my way".............. to Lyle Lovett....."That's right! You're not from Texas" ............to the Replacements singing about a "Waitress in the Sky".......

These songs make me feel more balanced..........and help me write the sad stories I have had to focus on today. It's a strange thing, to be writing about sadness and disabling illnesses all the while listening to Sinatra or Simon............. but it helps me detach enough to find the words needed to compose my client's stories. These clients are applying for disability pensions, which means more money, which means more attention from social services.

A large portion of my day involves meeting with clients in their homes or in my office to listen to them relive their painful history. Afterwards, my role is to write up a report that accompanies the medical information provided by their doctors. Often the medical information is scantily one dimensional......a diagnosis attached to a couple of words. It's my responsibility to draw a picture for the review board that fills in the life with breath. Today I have relived tales of schizophrenia, autism and chronic alcoholism. I've written about drug addiction, attention deficit disorder, depression and Hep C. The human beings who shared with me await........ and as much as I wanted to write their personal pain as soon as I had met with them, I needed time to process, to figure out how I would pass it on.......how I could breathe air into their application. It's the only way I know how to do it right. It's the only way I know how to portray their realism.


The Medical Review Board who review the reports, who have the last say on whether or not a person's suffering is bad enough to grant them a permanent pension, is comprised of medical professionals who are brilliant in their field I'm sure. They have their own practises and their own patients as well as their role on the Board. They see patients in their offices. No house calls. No chance to experience knowing the broader picture.

Poverty at a distance

Illness in a formal environment

Miles from the gutter

Miles from the rural disconnect of have nots.

It is my responsibility to describe a whole human being and the life they live. They need to know. The review board may not want to know, but personally I don't care about that because I believe that lives are not comprised of simple facts. Life is interconnective understanding. It is knowing your neighbours. Its about realizing and recognizing and reaching out to help others. So, I write in 3 dimensional multi-sensory description.......the sights, sounds and the smells.

Real.

I am capable of being present during the initial interview......... openly compassionate, fully attentive, interactive, encouraging as they learn to trust me. I often hear truly horrendous confessions from deep wounds. The full impact, however, of what I have heard doesn't hit me until I begin to write. Words make it finitely real. It's on paper permanently. Before that I can compartmentalize the individual's story for safe keeping with a sense of fiction possibly? I don't know..........I'm trying to figure it out. What I do know is that when I have to spend a day or two writing these reports, I am more emotionally spent than the original meeting.

So..........to stay balanced................to stay connected to my other "selves" I listen to music I would like to be dancing to, I venture outside to take deep fresh air breaths and enjoy the view of my downtown, I walk at lunch and interact with life. I write my thoughts............and I share them with you...................

As if anyone really knows what I was talking about........

Time to head home. I'm knackered.

signs

Our world is littered with signs......traffic, neon, billboards, storefronts, streets, artwork. Some give you directions, some offer a warning, some provide information. Some are just universal symbols that we are conditioned to understand. In theory, I could find myself in any airport around the world and I would have no trouble finding the woman's washroom, or an exit. We are constantly fighting a barrage.

Signs can encourage, demand, ask, shout, and point you to the right exit....or the wrong exit if you're not paying attention. That's what signs do............they trigger you to pay attention. We are inudated with sign messages.........buy, sell, trade, give, take, yield, stop, payhere, READ ME!!!

They all become a bit of a blur in our minds. We can walk down a familiar street and literally not register most sign messages. We can drive along taking in the speed limit, the stop and yield signs, but if we don't will ourselves to remain alert, we robotically obey them. It really has to be something provocative on a billboard to catch our undivided attention or we remain in a lemming state.......just following along, filtering out the noise. Too much of something overstimulates and then has the opposite effect.

It seems to me this Christmas season that one of the most predominant items in the stores, whether its at Dollarama, a high falootin' boutique, the local hardward store, or at a local craft fair you will find fancy scripty signs to hang up on the walls of your home. I see them everywhere. And everytime I spot them, I get annoyed. I have no idea if anyone else reacts to them the way I do...... these signs are supposed to be inspirational. They glow with messages like:

Dream

Hope

Believe

Relax

Dare

Live, love, laugh

Dance

Now that we're in the middle of the Christmas season, one tends to see freshly tole painted barn wood with lovely old fashioned fonts that say:

Rejoice

Ho Ho Ho

'Tis the Season

Blessings

So.................why is it that EVERY time I read one of these signs, my mind adds the word "dammit" to the statement?

Dream Dammit!

Dare Dammit!

Dance Dammit!

Ho Ho Ho Dammit!

Rejoice RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!

Believe or wither away in hopelessness dammit!

Could it be that these signs are dripping in insincerity? It boggles my mind. I guess I've never been very good at taking orders. I'm just one subversive little shit disturber who balks at control tactics.......... I'd never be a good soldier. And................... I can live with that.

Yesterday, I found myself in line to pay for my purchases. Unfortunately, I chose the inspirational yet demanding sign aisle..... Once again, I was triggered by the cutesy-ness curly scripted signs of false hope. Instead of dismissing it, I started thinking about how I could turn this little cottage industry on it's ear by creating another line of slogans to live by. My subversive mind kicked in as I formulated a plan, as I considered various options for effectively absurd signage in one's home.

The bedroom......................a few options............

Hibernate

Procreate

Fornicate

dammit..........

Actually there are many signs one could post in one's bedroom........I'll leave it to your imaginations.......

The bathroom

Exfoliate

Concentrate

Toe in grate.

The dining room

Masticate

Sit up straight

Cheese tastes great

The living room

Well I guess you could post a procreate sign there if you wanted to.

Above your computer

Illustrate

Formulate

Contemplate

Gee.....................the words of wisdom are endless aren't they? I mean really, if we just littered our little worlds with signs, we wouldn't have to think at all.............we could spend all our time masticating and formulating and postulating and fornicating (is that not the best word??).........and never have to think again. Lemmings one and all............

Gee, I think it's time to put up the sign on the front door..............

Think, don't blink.................

Now......................get out there and BELIEVE dammit!!

I wonder if I could get an ACOA grant for my new little cottage industry or did Prime Minister Harper cut that milking cow too?

Ooooooooooooo..............I think I took my sarcasm vitamins for breakie today.

shame

Shame........a hollow empty pit where disgrace lives

Fed
by painful self-contempt
by the fear of humiliation
by the guilt of impulsivity
by thoughts acted out.

Shame........ugly remorse that devours goodness.

Hidden in the folds of the shadowed curtains.

Reflected in the eyes of esteem

Rinsed in bile.




Nothing makes me more distraught than feeling shameful.
It is lonelier than lonely.

a hartman moment..........for james

what are we thinking?

In Aristotilean terms, the good leader must have ethos, pathos and logos.
The ethos is the moral character, the source of his ability to persuade.
The pathos is the ability to touch feelings, to move people emotionally.
The logos has the ability to give solid reasons for an action, to move people intellectually. Mortimer Jerome Adler.

All week, I have been struck by the actions and words of our leaders, particularly in the political realm. I have been trying to understand what motivates them and why I have felt such disdain for the majority of them.........locally, nationally and internationally. So often, I find myself shaking my head, thinking "are these people in their right mind?"

It seems that there is a terrible imbalance between morality, pathos and actions. It seems to me that we the voters often get swept up by the emotionally driven words we hear our leaders spew, and vote them in hoping that there is the morality and action behind the feeling words. It's like a house of cards though isn't it? We get sucked in by the eloquence and then it's too late. We're stuck with a leader who obviously is feeding their own egos.........their own desire to stand up on top of the hill surrounded by adoration and false fawning, which continues to nurture their false integrity.

When things go wrong...........as in the Iraq war, there seems to be no one with a spine who will own up to it. All we are left with is the reassuring words of George Bush.....

"It's bad."

After I clutch my stomach and hold down the urge to vomit, all I can think of to reply is, "duh!"

As of this morning, I can't think of one example of a balanced effective leader. What do we do now? We voted these people in. How do we find our way out?

serendiptous encounters

"An Angel can illumine the thought and mind of man
by strengthening the power of vision,
and by bringing within his reach some truth
which the Angel himself contemplates."

St. Thomas Aquinas, The Bliss of the Way.

This morning, I tripped over serendipity in the local Irving gas station/convenience store of all places. I arrived there to quickly grab a tea and a morning paper but ended up having a long heart to heart with the woman who gets up early to make the muffins. Usually friendly and upbeat.....often eccentrically outgoing in a charming way, she is the reason why I continue to stop at this locale. Often, she greets me with a "hideee ho hello" and a compliment on what I'm wearing or something while offering me a warm banana muffin for the road.

Our encounters are usually short and sweet but exhuberant...... to a point where some of the introverts who work with her visibly cringe with embarrassment. I love her zip because it brings the zip out in me. This morning, however, I caught her uncharacteristically ebbing on low leaning on the counter where the coffee machine and subsequent hot water tap is located, chatting quietly with one of her colleagues. She looked worn out. After slogging away for hours before anyone was awake, her apron was dusted in icing sugar and bits of baking My intention was not to disturb her so I quietly went to fill my cup with hot water only to find that it wouldn't work while the machine was making the big pots of coffee. It needed time to heat up again. This is when she noticed me and of course tried to help. When it was apparent that time was all it needed, I dropped my fasttrack plans to go with the flow.

I'm glad I did........how often do we have a chance to by-pass all chatty fillers and go straight to the heart...........to what matters?

She asked me where I worked. I told her that I worked with people on social assistance.

"Oh my! That would be difficult. But, I look at your face and I know you're a kind soul. I think you'd be good at it," she said and then she hugged me.

"Thank you. I love working with them. It's harder at this time of year because emotions around Christmas get complicated and sadder. I don't know how most of them manage," I replied.

"Funny, I was just talking to (her colleague) about that. My husband left me with 3 young children in 1978. We had nothing........absolutely nothing. I hated Christmas for many many years because I had nothing to give. It was horrible........and I was so lonely. I've had to work so hard. But I love Christmas now. My kids have grown up and they're happy. They are all settled in their lives and it makes me proud to know that I was able to give them the love they needed."

All of a sudden, the store became cozy, both of us oblivious to the flurry around us. We became engaged in one another's lives. We chatted about the difficulties of trying to get out of the cycle of poverty, about how the "system" keeps people down and out, about the homeless, the hungry and the people who aren't acknowledged.

Her word...........acknowledged..................she told me that the worst thing in the world is not hunger...........it's living a life where you aren't acknowledged. Then, she told me her story with big brimming tears in her eyes.

She grew up in a family of 8. During her whole life, all she wanted was her father to say her name out loud. Instead, she was the brunt of unending abuse..........verbally and physically. The family struggled financially and spiritually. It wasn't until her father was dying of lung cancer that she heard him say her name out loud. This angry vicious man softened after he introduced his daughter Diana to his nurse........ acknowledgement led to forgiveness. Diana forgave her father. They found closeness. Diana found God.

Since then, she has had two "visions." Her purpose is ahead of her, she believes. In August when she reaches 65 and can retire, her plan is to follow her vision. She wants to go to Africa to work through her church. A new life. A strong purpose. Diana intends to share her love. She wants to pass on the wisdom she learned as an abused child...............she wants to be a part of acknowledging the forgotten. When she spoke of her plans, she lit up like the biggest, brightest Christmas tree..................sparkle in her teary eyes...........hope in her voice.

Words of encouragement.........reinforcing her dreams.............I then told her about my writing.............that just last week I wrote about the need to be acknowledged............to feel significant. I told her so that she would know I understood and how strangely serendipitous it was that we were having this conversation while I waited for the water to heat up. She hugged me again in agreement, and asked if I would bring her a copy of my writing since she doesn't have access to a computer.

"God is doing this you know," she said. "God knew we needed to connect today. You're just what I needed........" she said. ANOTHER HUG!!

When the water finally heated up, I filled my cup (which of course felt like it was already overflowing........) and went to pay for my tea, and newspaper. Diana's colleague waved at me with a smile...................they werent going to let me pay. I bounced off to work, a little late but elated.

An hour later, I returned with a few things for Diana to read........... her apron had been dusted off. Her colour was back in her cheeks. She met me right at the door with her smiling eyes and her "hideee ho hello...."

"Oh, I knew you'd come back! I CAN'T WAIT to read your stories..........you're just what I needed. God did this didn't He?"

Yes, Diana........................He gave me a gift..............He sent me a message through the muffin lady. An angel with a new vision....... with acknowledgement to share.

A free tea, three hugs and a moment of grace. Not bad for the start of a day. Sometimes it's best to be late for work. I highly recommend it every now and then.

gift of nature

"The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way.

Some see Nature all ridicule and deformity,

and some scarce see Nature at all.

But to the eyes of the man of imagination,

Nature is Imagination itself."

William Blake

Snow arrived yesterday turning the trees into a glistening display of winter's glory. Faerie magic to feed the imagination, to lure thoughts inward, to nuture cravings for firelight intimate moments, all set to jazzy bluesy tunes.

merlot, claret, rich hickory and pine........earthy aromas

Winter is the time for darkness and moonlight... to speculate, contemplate and formulate. It may appear that life has slowed down, but under the cover of darkness, under the cover of snow lashes lurks a merging of creative souls searching for the mystic.

Nature is Imagination.

interwoven lives

"Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality -- not as we expect it to be but as it is -- is to see that unless we live for each other and in and through each other, we do not really live satisfactorily; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love."

Frederick Buechner.

Tonight was spent wrapping presents that are taking a journey with my husband on Wednesday to Ontario. I love wrapping presents, adorning them with big bows, writing the gift card to attach to them. Each time I cut the paper to fit the box I end up thinking about the person who will be opening it on Christmas Day. Wondering about how they are doing, wondering if they will like the gift. Our lives are intertwined. We may not all be together, but we will share each other's joy and peace and pain.

I am blessed to have many people, both family and friends in my life, all of whom are uniquely special. I am blessed to meet new people everyday who touch me with their stories. This year has been especially abundant (oh there's that word again!!) because of the old cherished friends from camp who have returned to my world and of the new ones whose friendships are just blossoming. We are all intertwined. I think of them often.

Certain individuals somehow sneak up under my skin. Sometimes it's apparent why this is so........our lives are intertwined daily. But, there are other special times when an individual takes me by surprise..........like Buechner so eloquently writes..."as wave flows unto wave"...........and wraps a bow around my life. One never knows when a new kindred will enter your life, because often we don't know how or why it happens. It's just one of those things that seem to have a bigger meaning which will forever remain God's secret. And yet, I'm flooded with questions for a new kindred in order to learn their stories, to know their colour palette and how their expreiences have impacted their life.......I want to know so I can feel the sense of wave flow.

All intertwined..........all living for and in and through each other. We are never alone.

What a relief!

where's the loofah?

I feel like I could use a whole week of Sundays. Here it is Sunday night, normally a time when I'm feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the week ahead. Instead, I find myself taking long deep breaths to try to clear a path in my busy brain which is cluttered with to do lists. I know why this has happened. I kept my head down to plough through the process of planning the Christmas Bazaar, of putting in hours of time creating craftie items (happily mind you ) and of worrying if it would be successful and all that entailed and when I lifted my head this morning to have a peak.....................reality hit. Ok........I also clocked in many hours of Liberal Leadership convention TV watching this weekend too as a good upstanding member of political junkie anonymous ........

Balance had taken a direct hit. Other stuff had been neglected. It's catch up time.

Off in the distance I could hear those pesky Carollers singing Hark songs........uh oh...... they aren't in the distance........... they're standing at the foot of my driveway and I'm not ready to greet them.

It's not just the fact that Christmas is only a couple of weeks away, I'm playing catch up in all areas of my life. It feels like I have adopted the mantra................ "I have to get that done." The more I hear myself repeating it, the more I want to take a nose dive under the covers to surrender my responsibilities.

Today would've been better witnessed from the darkness of the shades because it was one of those days that not only flew by before I could harness it, it was one of those days when one little task took up way more time than it was supposed to.

Take the light hanging expedition. This morning after the search for the outdoor Christmas lights went quite easily, I found myself standing in a crowded aisle at Canadian Tire trying to figure out which boxes contained the string of lights I needed to replace ALL of the strings from last year.............ALL of them somehow took a beating sitting in the basement in a box over the summer!! How does that happen????? Now, you'd think that it would be a REALLY easy task, but of course it wasn't because since the last time I had to purchase a string of outdoor lights, some crazy cat went bonkers creating nets, ribbons, drippy, neon iciciles of lights that flash, sing and hum. An hour later, after standing in line at the cash twice because the first time I picked up the wrong boxes (which is when I learned of "ribbons" of lights) I was throwing them into the back of the van and heading home, having spent more than I wanted with the receipt in my hand just in case they didn't light up..........just in case the lights sang in mickey mouse acappella.

Luckily, they worked.......... until I stretched the wires while attaching them to a bush and split the plastic holder of one teeny tiny light. In one rushed moment the lights went out. Swearing ensued. I unpacked the second set of lights. Deep breaths to shove the mantra out of my head and I was able to adorn the bush. 10 minutes later as I had moved onto the garland wrapping on the side porch, I heard my husband who had been up the ladder wiring the heavy wreath to the front of the house, inform me that he had inadvertently stepped on one of the teeny tiny lights busting the second string. It was now 3pm. Dinner prep was no where to be found, and there were no signs of inside the house chores being completed.,.... and oh............."Mom, guess what? I forgot I have a dress rehearsal for the Christmas play at 4 o'clock."

fa la la la la la la la la........frig.

There are days when tasks are accomplished lickety split. Then there are days, normally when you want and need lickety split when nothing works out right. I don't need a week of Sundays. I need a month of them. Not to get things done..............more to cleanse and soak and take a big loofah and scrub away the unnecessary extras that seem to pile up on top of the important things. I need a month of Saturdays to get things done. However, since denial doesn't get things done and since I don't have a staff of personal assistants to delegate to, the under-the-duvet method isn't going to cut it. Tomorrow is Monday and I best be ready with a gameplan.

Before that happens?...........................I'm off to turn on the taps to scalding hot, fill the tub with a million bubbles of wafting aromas and slip into closed eye silence. Deep breaths will slowly clear my head as will a cleansing moment of quiet contemplation. That's how I like my Sundays. Peaceful, contemplative, refreshing and reconnecting soaks almost always brings clarity....almost always removes the pushy mantras and replaces it with soothing sounds of violins.

PS. For some reason I haven't been interested in writing political editorial posts, but it doesn't mean I haven't been paying attention. :) My one comment tonight? Stephen Harper may be initially thinking that he's got it made with the Liberal's choice of Stephane Dion as leader. He better shake that little thought out of his head. Harper's in for a good political fight. Dion is impressive. Sustainability............harkens. I will be listening with interest.

Greer

Today was a wonderfully productive social day. The 35th annual Christmas Bazaar at my son's school went off without a hitch. Attended by scores of people, from families with kiddies in the school now to alumni to neighbourhood folks to a few local politicians who rolled up their sleeves and work alongside us, the place was hopping with energy. All of the classrooms were set up with kid activities.........fish pond, golf putt, cake walk.........the usual fun stuff, and the gym held more baked goods than I have ever seen along with the baskets of abundance I put together, dozens of items to be raffled off, and craftie items made with love.

The Christmas Bazaar is such fun. I love being right in the middle of it, which is exactly where you would've found me today. My table where I sold raffle tickets for the baskets was located smack dab in the middle of the flurry. This allowed me the opportunity to see it all and welcome everyone who made a point of attending. Lots of conversations and catching up as well as introductions and new chats. The spirit of community and the spirit of Christmas combined into one. Just like it should be.

So here I am sitting late in the evening satisfied with the accomplishment, reviewing the many encounters and the one that is the most clear..........the one that makes me smile the most was more of an observation than an encounter. It has to do with a little girl named Greer whom I hadn't seen in a long while. She's growing up.

Greer is 8 years old and I've known her since she was a baby. She's tiny in stature which makes her look younger than she is, but she carries herself like a grown up 8 year old. I watched her skipping through the sea of people independently with her best friend while her parents stood by me to catch up through a quick chat. With her hot pink shirt on, she was easy to spot...........so I watched her interact with her classmates, fitting in, smiling, and projecting a sense of belonging and security to her surroundings.

Greer amazes me. Up until recently she would've marched herself over to me to ask me where my husband was (her favourite person in the whole world..........I really don't count...........) and then where my son was (her second favourite person in the whole world) and then she would stick close by. But she's beyond that now and as much as I miss being a touchpoint for her, I'm so pleased to see how well she has blended in. Since she was born with Down's Syndrome, this is a very big accomplishment. So is reading at her grade level, which she can..........so is adding double digits numbers, which she has learned this year. She has the ability to ride a horse without a guide, and knows how to tap dance. She can swim like a fish.........and ride a bike fast. Today, I learned that she has figured out how to make friends......real girlfriends....... I know now that she fits right in with the 8 year olds in her class. That warms my heart.

She's a determined little fighter, our Greer. Always clear about what she wants and doesn't want...............this temperment of hers allowed her to survive infancy. Born with heart ailments, she had to endure life threatening surgery which had to be delayed a couple of times while she struggled through one respiratory infection after another. Though she still fights those, she conquered her heart condition. There's nothing wrong with it anymore................

Greer's determination and joy of life........her smiles and her demeanour........her thirst for books and knowledge...........are amazing all the adults in her life. Her doctor is blown away by her development along with her teachers, her family, and friends like me. We have a tendancy to expect less from individuals with disabilities. When I was studying at university about Down's Syndrome, I was taught that their IQ fell always within a 10 point range, below average along with other misguided parameters. They could never learn to read, understand the concept of time, get math. Time and again, I have learned the information I was fed about exceptionalities is just plain wrong. Greer is a living breathing acting running jumping smiling joyful smart sassy friendly determined focused example of that.

Today was a great day because I watched a little girl in a hot pink shirt take her place amongst the crowd. She's a beautiful member of our community and I love her dearly. She makes my community world shine brighter. I can't wait to watch her continue to blossom.

significance

"The greater the feeling of inferiority that has been experienced, the more powerful is the urge to conquest and the more violent the emotional agitation." Alfred Adler

I was given many gifts this week. They all seemed to arrive in moments when I wasn't expecting them. Wrapped in words and actions and tied with big shiny bows of clarity, these gifts offered up opportunities to shift my perception.......

If one is ready.......if one is receptive.........new learning adds new sparkle to old learning, which in turn shifts one's thinking. If one's thinking is shifted, our feelings are stirred. If our feelings are stirred in a different direction, we act in a changed manner. Special new learning which produces "aha" moments when you realize it impacts you personally kickstarts this cognitive chain reaction with more gusto. You feel it with a level of intensity that startles the spirit. And if the spirit is moved? The gift of learning shimmers with meaning.

So what did I learn? I was given the gift of seeing the meaning behind the word significance. THEN................. I was offered an opportunity to feel significant. It energized me. It brought inner calm back to my spirit.

meaning
importance
love
belonging
security
vital
matter
relevance
signficance.

Alfred Adler, whose theories and perspective have often impacted my personal approach to counselling and to understanding human development believed that one's perceptions and interpretations of the world around them guide their behaviour. If one is feeling inferior, one will act in a manner he believes will lead to a sense of completeness. Consequently, all of our behaviour is guided by the goal to seek a sense of worth........to seek out significance.

The magnificence of feeling significant.

This fall, I have struggled to find my way in my world of work. After months of not being given any information about the change in my responsibilities, of not being asked for my opinion or to share my ideas, of being moved away from the women whom I have worked with for many years and then of not even being acknowledged after I was moved, my spirit sunk to a new low. As my spiritual spunk sunk, I stalled as I tried to find the words to capture how I felt.

I didn't fit.
I was odd
I was a misfit.
Where did I fit?
Do I fit anywhere?
It's fine to strive for uniqueness if one is accepted and recognized as significant. But if you're only able to feel unique and not significant than all you feel is a sense of living on the island of misfits no one cares.

I lost count of how many people asked me if I had done something wrong to have been "banished"...............that's how it looked to others..........that's how it looked to me. That's how it felt. All of a sudden, my unique attributes and my unique offerings within my world of work didn't seem to be recognized as needed. All of a sudden I felt stripped of significance. I lost my voice. I had lost my gumption.

As my perception of the situation percolated destructively, I fed it convoluted misunderstandings. I began to read the activity around me incorrectly. My intuition failed, and all of a sudden I couldn't be relied upon. I allowed my spirit to be flooded with misperceptions. All because of a sense of insignificance. It was tearfully AWFUL!! Luckily, the tides turned as they always do (though often when we are caught in the undertow, we don't feel like we'll ever get out) and I found my footing again at the same time that I found my voice. Funny how those two things go together.

My purpose is to allow others to feel a sense of significance. Having a fresh personal experience to link to adds new meaning to my purpose. Though my career path is still unclear, my significance within the department is....................abundantly clear.

The opportunity gift I was given? I was asked to tell a story about something I was proud of to a group of colleagues who were sitting in a semi-circle facing me. It was a simulation of an exercise that will be applied in our work back in our individual offices and worlds. Before I began, I had the unique perspective of facing all of them and realizing that I had a history with these people. Though we all live in different parts of the province and only really come together once a year, the sense of belonging I felt was deep. I felt secure. The story blossomed from the sense of signficance I felt.

I told them about my writing. I told them about the journey I began a little over a year ago to learn through my writing. I shared my feelings on how it has transformed me.........how it has allowed my creativity and my imagination to flow again. As I continued, they asked questions while jotting down characteristics and skills one would have to own to be able to accomplish this. After I finished talking, they were asked to share one characteristic or skill they identified with me. The positive feedback along with the genuine feeling behind their words lifted my spirits in a way that left me floating with zippy energy.

We all matter. We all need to feel significant.

Yes. I'm still a misfit......an original oddball..........but I'm a significant one. That makes all the difference. hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....maybe I'm a cracked pot who drips water on a garden of seeds. :)