Thursday, October 01, 2009

restless secrets

Hold on tight to your restless secrets if you want to. Sadly, I'm sorry to inform you they have a way of showing their true colours........ your body can't hide the stories. Your mind rattles outward, rippling your body restlessness in discomfort. Mystery reveals itself in your.......
sighing wandering woes
fretful fearful legs
skipping heartbeats
ringing ears
swollen joints
blurry vision
agitated guts
itchy skin
itchy skin
refreshed....and you keep scratching.........
itchy skin
itchy soul leaving you unable to focus.

Restless secrets gripe and groan the loudest just when you think no one's paying attention. When you relax. They spit reality onto your pillow of dreams.... in illusionary rainbow arcs. Try to keep them quiet and they will feast like head lice under your hair covered scalp belching in shameful agony.

Shame has a way of shooting out of sleeping thoughts. They retch up unspoken murmurs and swirl in a devilish weave of desire. Inside the brokenness of pain where ache feeds on restless secrets, your conscience rattles with tight lipped disdain. Denial simply stretches skin into a thin throbbing membrane disturbed by the unrelenting obsession to bleed........
Let it bleed.
Let the bleeding come.
Let it come
Come out! For God's sake!

"Deny yourself," said the Carpenter through your sleeping fog.
"Deny yourself.........."
What did He mean by that???

Restless secrets never sleep. They moan through silent dreaming and rise out of the foggy facade in the kingdom of makeothersbelieve. Your sorry storybooks are filled with tampered truth, with dormant devils of dismissed denials. Transparency blathers out the truth.

Let sleep linger on
Let sleep linger on and on...
And while you forever linger in the taut grip of a hot tightrope of fantasy napping, try your best to stay inside the sleepy mystery where your ruminating imagination soothes unspoken thoughts wrapped up in innocence past its due date.
let sleep linger....if you can.
Ignore, deny, suppress, create stories, try to live on.
My God, it's draining your energy.......

If you open your eyes,
If you open your sores to dashes of salty sting reality
for wet spitting dreams on your pillow.

You may not know yet but........
your mask slipped off.
That facade is a fateful fallacy.
And all I can feel is
sorry for you.

All I wanted was the truth. Was that so wrong?

If only you could poke at those swollen secrets
Make them blabblabblabblab away with relentless seeping
If only you could give them air
Give them life
Let those fucking secrets breathe
You'd be set free.
If only......what is stopping you???

Truth will set you free................. no matter what the cost.
no matter what the cost.
The freedom of your soul is more important than the restless secrets you keep.
It's never too late.
Never too late....

Pssssst.... guess what?
If you do decide to come clean....?
You will still be loved.


Anonymous said...

This is unbelievably beautiful. Sadly, I can't believe it. I can't believe that I'll still be loved.

I won't give up.

Awareness said...

Jen.... I wonder what would happen to our restless secrets if we did believe this? Would we let them go more readily? Does knowing that others can see our struggles to live under the wrap of secrets force us into denial, or underground more so, or does it offer up an opportunity just to get them out of our system?

Anonymous said...

I continue to be amazing at how the words seems to flow ... you have a way of setting thoughts to words to paper! I had to read this one a couple of times to let it really sink in - very thoughtful!

I sat in Tims yesterday afternoon (while waiting for my new windshield... damn rock)with ipod in hands & reading your blog. I slowly and carefully read about Soulspace 3 and tried to capture a wee bit of the atmosphere. There are times (all to few) when we experience such soul touching ... and it always seems so difficult to recreate it to share with someone else. You have done it though i.e. recreating your experience so that we can hear and almost be there. Bravo

Anonymous said...

Being told, and shown time and again that being honest..spilling those toxic secrets, will result in abandonment..well, it results in the keeping of the secrets. It's not about me not trusting in others not to abandon me. It's about me not trusting ME to endure the abandonment.

Awareness said...

Joyce....It WARMS my heart to know my blog was being read in a Tim Horton's. LOVE it! Sorry about the windshield bit though.
It was both a challenge and a treat to be able to find the words to best capture the feelings and spirituality that resonated in me while finding that holy place of meditation at Soulspace. It was also a relief to get it out into words. Everytime I tried to describe it to people, I was rushed by emotions much more powerful than I had expected. But then again, you know me.... I cry as much as Linda H and over the same stuff!

This particular piece was stirring in me since Greenbelt as well, but came to light and fruition after the story broke out about the Bishop of Antigonish. The whole story floored me, disgusted me and made me wonder about restless secrets and what we store inside ourselves.

Jen...I understand better now. There is a great book you may be interested in entitled Emotional Alchemy. The author (Tara Goleman) writes about the "Schemas" we harbour which we struggle with because of past accumulated experiences. Abandonment, and rejection are the two most profound fears and schemas. Both come from being hurt deeply. I read the book to prepare for a workshop I was co-facilitating and was blown away by the material, and the preciseness of the feelings she describes. The subsequent workshop (on personal barriers) was extremely moving to be a part of.
We all have certain schemas developed over the years as a means to cope and keep our defences up. Know what you struggle with, despite your personally unique experiencs which make it feel different, is shared by many.

ps....your photos and your words are so beautiful and expressive. I think it is a good therapeutic avenue for healing and wholeness. xx