pressed flowers and other revealing things

 These ones stayed..............

I lost count on the number of boxes I filled with books during one of the most humid nights of this summer.   There were times when I hesitated.... caught by a memory of when one of them had been added to the shelves.  A Christmas present...anniversary.....birthday gifts.  The much coveted novel, enjoyed immensely.  For the most part however, I was on a roll.  With a glass of wine on hand, and my musical preferences to keep me company, I spent hours decluttering, cleaning and stacking the boxes for future retrieve.  

My focus tumbled around 2:45 am.  Not quite the witching hour.  Almost. 

I came face to face with a  large reference tomb of a book . My resolve melted momentarily.  It had nothing to do with the book itself.  Rather, it was the pieces of paper towels sticking out of through the pages that caught my eye.  Caught breath.  Wavering balance.  My initial reaction was to recoil like I had seen a water moccasin curled up on the bottom shelf hissing at me!  It was just a book for goodness sake.  How in the world can something so inanimate create such a visceral reaction?  Well, try living in a house whose familial foundation was startled by thundering betrayal.  There are little emotionally ticking trinkets mocking you for months afterwards.  Bloody loud they can be! 

As soon as I saw them, a realization hit me in the gut.  Inside the creases of the paper towels were beautifully pressed flowers.  Pansies, daisies, forget me knots I had picked from our first house and placed in the book many years ago to dry.  My intentions back then were to use them to decorate candles or note paper. 

But, then I got busy.  The craft project was forgotten. The flowers were abandoned.

Two children to raise.

A career that kept me busy.

A home to run. 

A marriage to....................?

I took a bit of time to look at the flowers laying open on paper. My hands open to hold them.   I took in their delicate beauty.  I remembered where I had picked them...out of the garden of our first house.   I cried a little.  Not enough moisture to bring them back to life.....just enough to moisten my cheeks.  Then, I tossed them into the trash. 

I've tossed a lot of stuff along with rearranging pictures and painting walls.  Enlightening....... and lightening. Everytime I've reached that place when I could let go of "the stuff"  my whole body feels like it is somehow defying gravity for a thin air second. 

To get to this head space, I have worked hard taking one step at a time.  There are some who feel that I should be farther along the path. How do I know this?  I hear it.  Then, there are some who comment on how well I'm doing.  I hear this too.  Who the hell knows..... except me.  I am where I am.......   More importantly, I am fine with where I am.  Right here.  Living.  Moving forward at my own pace.  If there is anything I can control, its my own pace and my own readiness to tackle yet another piece of the "letting go" puzzle.  Those overcrowding yakety yak books were my chosen target the other night. When the urge hits, you've got to move into that headspace and go to it even if it takes all night long..... which it did. 

I put the kettle on as the sun raised it's orange eyebrow over the river horizon.  The boxes of dusty books were stacked high in my kitchen along with a few holding memories of past gift giving days.  My shelves had been scrubbed down with lemon scented cleaner.  More minimalist, they were reborn with the novels and reference books that were mine and the kids as well as a few bright coloured clay vases, a couple of woven baskets, a few framed photos....  I swear I heard the white painted wood heave a sigh of relief as I stretched out my own muscles while realizing for the first time how tired I was.  

Content too. I hadn't felt that broad contentment in a long time......

The sun rose into the peace of a hazy summer morning, accompanied by the choir of birdsong that always makes me feel happily connected with the ground my barefeet touch.  At that moment, I felt alone, but not lonely.  All of those sense of accomplishment emotions were lightly stirring the remnants of my energy.  Gladness. Wing fluttering gladness kissed by the sweetness of honey nectar.   It was a moment this summer that I will never forget because even though it seems like just another chore found on a "to do" list, it was so much more than that.  

A few of the people in my life who have walked with me knew what I had been up to that night.  I can honestly say that their spirit tapped me from time to time and kept me moving forward. I was always in good hands. When it was late enough in the morning, I phoned one of them........ in  a tired but satisfied voice, I announced that my latest decluttering mission was accomplished.  

Full of encouragement that only comes with understanding he invited me over to his place where there was a cool bed in an air conditioned room......... away from the rest of the familiar world.  I took him up on his offer, and as he went about his own chores, tackling his to do list, I slept more soundly than I had in months, lullabied by the constant whir of cool cool air, while being checked on from time to time by the caring eyes of a dear friend. His kindness I will always hold onto.

A month later, when I walk into my living room (which will in itself be transformed very soon) I can feel the refreshened difference.  This particular weight is gone.  All it took was to reveal the flowers caught in the spine of a book to let go of years of dusty words.  When the time was right.  It is that simple.  You just gotta be ready on your own terms.....

ps.  You know, the last time I had pulled an all-nighter before this task filled adventure sure had a different reason for it!  And it had nothing to do with chores!!!!  hahaha!  gotta have another one of those types soon too!  :)

sweet spot

After determined muscle limbering of their legs, torsos and arms, they take their place to begin the warm up together. Just a game of tossing the ball.  The pitcher, approaches the mound, settles his feet into the comfort of his stance, and waits to wind up.  Not with heat.  Not yet.  It begins with a slow melodic tossing to his partner as they find their groove.

The catcher squats down into her position, her right hand inside the supple worn leather glove.  Balanced in the comfort of her body, she lifts her arm straight out to prepare for receiving the pitch. The warm up begins.  Back and forth in a rhythm they have created together.... he pitches, she receives and tosses the ball back to the mound.

throwing and catching

throwing and catching

rhythmic resonance

back and forth

warming up

sometimes in silence

sometimes words of encouragement enlighten

back and forth

throwing and catching.....

sometimes

touching upon the sweet spot of the glove....

every now and then....

until it becomes more frequent

rhythm found within a sense of knowing

their complementary movement.

Again and again, it flows as they communicate with body language... signals, words, advice, compliments.....  Away from the rest, they pick up the speed.  He begins to practise various pitches.  Change up, Slider, Forkball, Knuckleball, are interspersed with his signature Fastball. Sweet spot.

The push and pull of power between the pitcher and the catcher continues until they relent a little. Both have strengths to use in the role they play.  An appreciation of each other's gifts moves the partnership into a different zone.  They know that in order to reach that zone.... where the fluidity of their efforts reach mastery,  they must use their physical and emotional gifts.  Caring focus.  Trust in one another.  It happens when care meshes with effort, when confidence meets up with vulnerability.

throwing and catching

throwing and catching....

care meshing with effort....

trust in one another....

complementing oneness

Confidence in their own skin,  in what they bring to the partnership is crucial. Respect and appreciation for the other's gifts is key in order to reach a place of equality. Taking turns leading while encouraging the other to reveal their best allows for the confidence to push the effort beyond any sense of work into a forum of limbered play.  It's the revealing that leads to stripped down vulnerability, when they show each other the raw rough edges of themselves.... It's never perfect.  If it was perfect, there would be nothing to strive for... nothing to motivate, explore, work/play towards.  

What it is, this game of tossing the ball is a deepening of a partnership with the same goal in mind.  To touch upon the sweet spot with heat.  At the right moment.

Out beyond the bubble of timelessness they have formed, a voice calls out............ Play ball!

The Year I Turned 50-Licious

Yesterday morning, I arrived at the diagnostic imaging department at the local hospital for an annual mammogram, grabbed a number and sat down. Routine.  No big whoop. Just one of those important tasks to accomplish in the day in the life....  

This is what I was thinking as I looked around at the other folks who were there for various x-rays, ultrasounds and boob looksees.  In  no time my number was called and I found myself sitting in front of the clerk as she verified my medicare number and home address in her computer, and made sure my name was on the list.  It was her last question that sent a sharp kick into my gut...... "And your next of kin is still............?"  I said "yes." 

Well, he still is legally and I sure as heck didn't want to complicate the intake interview while trying to figure out who my next of kin is now.  My kids aren't old enough.  My family live in another province.  Neither option was practical. So, I kept it simple.  "Yes."  The question and my answer flooded my thinking and feelings as I found myself sitting in a flimsy johnny shirt coldly wrapped around my naked torso,  by the door to where the machinery was located.  Alone. Processing my thoughts.  In a place full of foreign sounds, sickness and stress, ongoing paging for emergency doctors, and smells one only inhales in the stark reality of a hospital,  I felt the gut galloping shiver of vulnerability.  My stark reality mirrored my environment.  

I leaned back against the wall, closed my eyes and focused on breaths to take away the "reality hurt"  until a warm hearted woman with a welcoming Maritime lilt in her voice called my name.  It was my turn to have a few photos taken. My morbidly self absorbed thoughts quickly turned into wondering how in the hell they do that boob squishing procedure on anyone who wears an A or a B cup???? 

This is the year I turned 50.  From the moment after the clock struck midnight to ring it in when I stood feeling like a pariah beside my husband at a party and there was no loving kiss forthcoming to this very moment as I try to capture the words flying out of my fingertips on this frosty morning.......... the last one of 2010, it has been a year of awakening to loud thunderous change.  

Sometimes it has been so shockingly vibrant like when you get to the part in a mystery novel and all the pieces of the puzzle transform into BIG TRUTHS all at once.  Oh!  I can think of a few of those body churning events!  Though I'm trying to let go of them, they are still the ones that pound on my temples at 4 am with demonic pleasure from time to time.  Not nearly so often.  Not nearly so often.   

Most of the time, however, the thunderous change has been more like the WAKE UP surprise of POP Rocks sizzle bursting in your mouth. You know its going to happen.  You just don't know when. When it does? Your eyes open a little wider, while your first thought is........ "What is that all about???"  And,  "Why did I just put Pop Rocks in my mouth when I know how uncomfortable they make me feel?"  Sometimes someone slips a few of those candies into your tea when you're not looking.  There you are attending to a routine task and kapow! One of those damn things explode and you're caught speechless........for a second.  

"Your next of kin still is..........?"

This is life. It is a cache of awakening moments, some more seismic than others.  Some more life altering than others.  Mine aren't any different than anyone elses.  My feelings and thoughts are not unique.  It is what WE all share......... the ability to think and the blessing to FEEL always!  From the monumental hurts to the ecstatic orgasms, and all the little poetic symphonies that are the very thread that binds the whomping biggies together.  By sharing our hearts and minds, not only do we learn  important lessons from one another that guide us to LOOKING and FEELING from a different perspective....a different reality, we become a part of one another's tapestry. 

This is an awakened life unfolding.  I am who I am because of the experiences I have encountered, embraced, denied, refused, stumbled upon, viewed, processed, created, mourned, celebrated,  respected, rejected and reconciled.  Just like you.   We are offered up little Pop rock morsels.....events that seem inconsequential at first,  but end up providing awareness to where we are in our journeys as a means to process the thunder changes. Shifts happen even when you're least expecting it.  In the poetry of life.  

Yesterday, I texted a friend of mine briefly sharing the hospital moment with her.  She understood how it felt right away, and commented on how these moments makes one realize how the world registers you and how you see it differently too.   In fact, she is the one who has helped me throughout the year "see" how poignancy preys in the grace notes of life....  I told her that I realized it is the poetry of life, not the long storied prose that meaning is found.  Her response?  "What's a poem if not volumes of truth packed into a single glance?"  Blow me away!  Gotta love a friend whom you share wisdom text messages with that are poetry too! 

This year, the one when I turned 50?  Well, it has been jam packed full of events...... poignant, pathetic, pulsating..... life altering snippets.  I'm not at a point where I can say that I wouldn't change it if I could do it again.  That would be silly.  No one in their right mind wants to ever experience the deep gashes from being betrayed.  However, I have laughed with more gusto, and wept with more intensity than I have ever imagined.  I have been hugged more passionately, and cared for beyond what I ever thought I needed. Conversations that once skimmed the surfaces dove deep into heartfelt meaning.  Until this year, I didn't realize just how much we can grow from an original place of pain into a garden of beauty.  I have taken many risks, and every time I think of one I smile broadly because every single risk I took connected me to another beautiful human being and experienced some amazing adventures!  WOW!  

As well, I have inhaled air so beautifully thin as I have encountered a bouquet of spiritual compassion through the kindness of so many people in my life, and through the deeply quiet times I have been alone absorbing the goodness of a faith just waiting for me to embrace. Magical.  Blessed.  Loved.  Lovable.  Gee, I even learned that I am a bit sexy! Who knew?????  Yeah, despite the pliable sagging breasts and the hands that look a thousand years old, I've got a sexy factor happenin'!

I have learned so much..... and hope that I have been able to pass on some of my lessons........  

On this day, the last one of the year I turned 50-licious?  I feel strong and whole, weak as well as yearning. A contradiction I am, I am.   I see the poetry as truth in a single glance.  And I know now how I will answer the question of who my next of kin is........  It doesn't matter who the name is.  I walk with many.  I walk with you.   With a Holy Spirit to guide us along.  Aren't we lucky?

Bring on the Pop rocks!  Happy New Year. 

________________________________________

ps.  I have been keeping an eye on and a journal to capture many of these moments that have occured this year with the intention of pulling them together in a book......... I havent shared many of them on my blog because I haven't had a chance to digest them as much as I want to. Plus, I feel like when it is time to write it out fully, i want it to be fresh.  But, let me tell you, the majority of them are bloody hilarious! Absurdity rules, as does my dark humour.  Stay tuned!!!

Gratitude and Humility

Let this be a rambling outpost tonight as I make an attempt to catch up to my thoughts and emotions which seem to be flying out of every orifous on my body! How's that for a pretty visual? 

Ok, let's start with 5 words, eh Beautiful Human Becoming GrandPip?

Scrambledeggsheaded

Lonelyhearted

Jumbledinnards

Deeplyseated

Surrenderedhuman

You know, sometimes all it takes is to find the words that attempt to describe the state of mind and heart for the uncluttering to begin.  You speak them, write them, express them and the power of the feelings lessen.  Focus begins to replace the flooding.  Awareness is invited through the door of the soul.  My 5 made up words brought me some smiling levity.  Silliness reigns!

Deep breaths....... in and out, in and out....... slow presence breathing....

Here's she goes....

Today started off well and then went into decline around 9 am after I left the Market when I allowed myself to relax and fully recognize the significance of Thanksgiving in my life and the lives of my family.   Hands down, it is the most loved dinner I prepare because the whole weekend is filled with the goodness of gratitude and the humility of stopping to remember the importance of sharing our harvest with others.   The meaning and the symbolism of preparing a meal with that in our hearts fills me with joy.  I love, love, love providing the meal for Thanksgiving.  So, it isn't surprising that I am having a tough time this weekend coping with the changes and the loss.

Since this morning, I have been shadow boxing with new and old ghosts.   Memories from way back of celebrating and giving thanks with friends and family in Spencer's Island and here in my home came marching into my presence.  Memories of last year's Thanksgiving celebration trumped all of them however, as I realized just how much my life had changed and I didn't even know it.  As much as I have tried to stop obsessing on this, I can't let go of the thoughts until I express them.  Do you have any idea how difficult it is to accept the fact that the life you were living and seeing one way wasn't that way at all?  It feels like a violation. It really does.

I am no victim.  I have no time for that mentality and I am fully aware of where my own head was at this time last year and how much it was impacting my marriage.  It was in stuck mode, trying to figure out what I wanted and trying my best to express myself.  However, I didn't express myself.  I was reacting all over the place.  Not responding. Reacting and making things much worse.  I couldn't be fully open to hearing what was being said and NOT said.  I was too angry and burnt out from years of shouldering things, which of course closed down any opportunities for intervention on my end.  And since I was the only one to have taken the lead on that, it wasn't going to happen.  I stopped asking.  I let resentment cloud my vision as I struggled to keep afloat trying to seek solutions. I was questioning everything, and the most predominant feeling I harboured was fear.  Yes, fear. I see that now.

• I was afraid to take a real honest look because I knew it was ugly.
• I was afraid to really see the disconnect and numbness being projected from the both of us.
• I was afraid to push for openness because I didn't know how it would impact his health.
• I was afraid I couldn't cope with maintaining the status quo or what the future held.
• I was afraid that I would remain stuck and life wouldn't get any better.
• I was afraid of being rejected even though I was already feeling its realness.

This is where I was at last Thanksgiving.  Truthfully afraid and incapable of helping to steer my marriage back to safe waters.  I was so foggy while defensively protecting myself that it wasn't until much later that I began to see the signs that someone else had already replaced me in the love department.  Today, a year later these revelations have surfaced.  I see the irony of it too because all along I have been told that my reactions and my expressed feelings scared him.  I scared him. 

Turns out how I was behaving and how he was behaving was out of fear. Fear begat fear.   Of course, I know now that he stopped loving me months and months before last Thanksgiving.  It was all a ruse. Even if I had lifted up out of my fears, it was too late.  Resignation had already happened.  I just hadn't been told yet.

So, where am I today?  Am I still fearful?  In some aspects of my life, of course I am but in a much healthier and productive way.   My courage is bright and shiny again.  Through the knee dropping humility and the comfort of learning, reflecting, expressing, grieving, grieving and grieving, I am finding my way as I continue multi-tasking throughout my days, and stepping out into new territories with a new feeling of freedom gratitude.  Insights, late nights, bright lights, and dark sights and a whole lot of tears has stripped me of the layers of resentment (though I have a way to go......).  So has the unconditional love and support of my friends and my family.  Thank God.  Thank you.

Life it seems is a process of neverending surrendering.  What gets me is that the more you surrender, the less afraid you become.  Who knew??? Maybe I missed this lesson when I was too busy stubbornly trying to be a fixer, failing at it and then giving up? Or maybe I misunderstood, thought it was a commercial and went to the kitchen to plug in the kettle?

• I looked at the ugliness and it ran away, replaced by growing beauty.
• I reflected on the reality of the disconnections and take ownership of my side of things, while learning to forgive myself and others.
• I let go of the responsibility of his health issues and began to address my own.  I have more to do in this area, but I am taking it one day at a time.  I still have troubles sleeping.  The anxiety still kicks in when I am alone falling asleep, but it will leave soon.  Feelings are just visitors with messages.  They eventually go bother someone else.
• I am not living in the status quo of last year.  I broke free and learned quickly that my wings will continue to unfurl, my potential only grows as I learn to let go, as I allow my confidence to meet up with my competence.  What stalls me at times is this unresolved fear of being rejected.  When you've experienced the ultimate rejection and that happens to be your trigger button, well........... it takes time.

What I fear the most did come true.  But guess what?  I didn't keel over and fall into a fetal position.  Ok, I did a couple of times, but let's just call that meditative moments shall we?  However, I didn't remain there.  I got back up.  Dusted myself off.  Put on a cute little black dress and got my sexy little butt out there in the world again with a bunch of new learning stuffed in my lacy push up bra.  

Why is it that our most important learning seems to have to germinate from an open wound?  Why is it that personal enlightenment and transformation only occurs in the middle of a messy shift?  Maybe the imbalance, lack of footing, discomfort hurt we experience is the best way of appreciating overcoming our fears.  Kicking at darkness until it bleeds daylight, sings Bruce Cockburn. There's a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets in., croons Leonard Cohen  I guess you've got to kick hard enough to make a few new light emiting cracks?  Beautiful Imperfection, writes Pip Wilson 

Tonight, I began this bloggie post with a scrambledeggs head.  I finish it in a very different place, with new awareness.  I will be attending a dinner at a new friend's place tomorrow surrounded by folks I will meet for the first time.  I'm very grateful and humbled that they are sharing their harvest with me.  I have much to be thankful for.  I know this deep in my heart. 

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Heart Grenades and the Art of Looking Sideways.

Strange to look at life sideways.  Strange, but oh so imperative.  It stretches the muscles in our eyes in a way that doesn't feel natural.  However, if ever we really want to make changes in this world we live in, and in our own individual lives, we must look off to the side for the options.  Conformity, the lemming kind, is the death knell of our society. The routine of sameness depletes our energy, sending us down a heavy footed path of apathy, dulling our senses.  What always perks up the brain, kisses the heart, zippity dips the pace is a fresh perspective.   Fresh awareness.....

Lemon scented fresh.

First kiss fresh.

After the rain cool breeze fresh. 

Puppies pouncing in the snow fresh.

Pussy willow promise fresh

Blooming pink blossom fresh

New slivery moon fresh

Stepping out of the shower rinsed and naked fresh.

We drop the blinders, take off the armour, stretch out our yawnings, open our minds, and look around?  Suddenly our way of seeing, which became our way of being, alters.  We shift.  In a blink. Aha! 

Here's a NEW way of looking at this issue!

Here's some light seeping through the dark realities of our sufferings

Here's a possibility!

But, am I willing to make the shift? Do I have a choice here?  MAN! What a frightening thought!

Life is easier to stay confined in a pocket of protection, away from new perspectives.  It seems safer, more predictable, more sane.  Yeah, right! What an illusion that is.  Still, we hold on tight to what we consider is the truth. It's what we know.  It's what we built our lives on.... those beliefs that you had some control over the events in your life.  Maybe that's the purpose of those "heart grenades" that often get lofted at us?  To wake us up?  To make us question everything around us??  To shake the inner stuffing loose.  To help us lose our balance in order to feel vulnerable?  When we are shook up enough and the vulnerability is ripe for the weeping, there is no more truth to hold onto.  What is left is an opportunity to look at life from another vantage point. 

God, will you help me do this?  Give me the strength to look at this life sideways...... to stand it on its ear.... to relax enough to let go of the ruminations..... to open the valve and let the possiblities flow upon the shiny rocks which I continue to stub my toes on! 

Shut off the valve of possibility, our whole being dries up. Turn it on full blast and the pools of creativity fill up and up and up with the cleansing spirits to quench the thirst we sometimes didn't even know existed.  At first, when new perspectives arise, we want to gulp it down....God, we're so thirsty for answers, for comfort, for colour!  When we first realize that how we are living, doing, being is not working, we want to change it ASAP!   Because of desperation and the motivation to douse the flames licking at our shame, we shuffle forward without taking the time to learn how to use our refreshed senses properly.  We need time to "retool" as well as to assess whether this new perspective is the right fit.  An oasis of water flowing to a thirsty person wounded by a heart grenade can be just as dangerous as staying in a pocket of protection.....

hmmmmm............maybe we need to look both ways, allowing the green twinkle of our eyes to cast beyond the first glance.....  looking beyond the sideways just at our feet......... over the horizon sideways... leap of faith sideways..... There is an art to it.  But there are no clear cut linear instructions.  You have to figure out your own glancing, looking, observing, assessing, glimpsing, gazing.  Not alone.  You don't have to learn this alone.  There is a Holy Spirit all around us to guide us. 

Sometimes we are the last to know how dehydrated and thirsty we really are.  Until we learn the art of looking sideways.  If we allow it to, it can soothe the wounds left by the blast of a heart grenade.  Late night loneliness does not have to smell like napalm.  It can be soothed by the aroma of perfuming comfort and the essence of insensing courage.......... let me turn my head to the left..... to the right....  Now?  let me look up and out.......... and what do I see?  Delicious possibilities.

Tell me...... What do YOU see when you look sideways?

_____________________________

ps.  This post was inspired by two things. I found myself in the valley of emotions today, so much so that I think I need to get my hormones checked!  The dips are too severe and I'm now thinking that there could be a medical reason feeding this trip I'm on.  Heaven help anyone who goes near a PMS-ing 49 year old in the throes of a divorce. You have no idea how ugly it looks from the inside! But, I'm relieved to report that I'm pulling out of this mass of snottiness and will be myself once again tomorrow.  (thank you Mavis!!)

I am also thinking a great deal about the upcoming Greenbelt Festival which I had the pleasure and the opportunity to attend last year.  In some respects, it was life changing.... many shifts occured and insights were gathered.  Sadly, the one which was so predominantly recharged in my being.... to return home from the festival with a clear desire to work through the issues in my marriage, I wasn't even able to kickstart.  It was over.  I just didn't know it.  

However, on a spiritual level, the depth of my faith and interest in pursuing this path of believing strengthened beyond my expectations.  Consequently, it has provided a foundation I sorely depended on last spring and continue to.  So, I wish I was going again this year....... to Greenbelt.  To refresh, to remind myself, to recharge, to remember, to reflect and to have some really really good fun with a group of people who are a part of my life and my heart.  When I think of them fondly, their beautiful faces and friendliness feed my soul with such delicious soulfood.

The theme for the Greenbelt Festival this year is "The Art of Looking Sideways..."  It's such an inspirational theme.... and fits nicely with how I try my best to look beyond the sides of my life.  The creative side of me, whether it's writing or photography, or even counselling (there is a lot of creativity and openness in the field of counselling) embraces this theme wholeheartedly.  So, I thought I would try to capture my feelings of this day as well as my thoughts on the theme.  I guess you could say, I was a multi-tasking blogger tonight.  And it worked.

  

My head cleared.  

I looked sideways.  

And you know what I found? 

MY SMILE!  I found MY SMILE! 
The little bugger was smirking 
off to the side!

Love to all of you............ xxxx

the breath of shadows

The old country church was unlocked for us by the beautiful woman who has held the key for many years.  All we had to do was ask, and she wholeheartedly obliged knowing how important it was for us to touch base.  Then, my son and I were left to ourselves to take in the ambient memories, a few of which are our own.  Most are accumulatively shared with generations of ancestors who have attended services, held the hymn books, prayed together, listened to scripture. 

Generations all tied to my son were baptized, confirmed, married, eulogized within these walls. His paternal family has sat in these pews,  have sung in these choirs.  His ancestors helped build this little holy place.  He knows this inherently.  He's aware of this through the stories we have passed onto him.  The gift he feels is a sense of belonging that stretches from the present back into the breath of shadows.  The stories echo home. 

It was my son's idea to spend time in the little church during our first visit back to a place this family of mine holds close to our hearts.  Initially, his request surprised me.  I knew he wanted to walk the circle of the village road to say hello to the people in our lives whom we hadn't seen since last summer.  Though I knew it would be an emotionally charged pursuit, I wanted to as well.  

Going inside the church wasn't something I expected my son to want to do. When I thought about it, his desire made sense.  I guess I just didn't realize how much that place already held the stories for him.  As they do for his Dad.  As they do for his Aunt and Uncle.  As they do for his Cousins.  As they do for his Sister and Me.  Stories linger in the breath of the shadows.

Like everyone, however, who is attached to this village, the Spencer's Island church cradled those important ties that bind in the breath and shadows of people who tangibly represent the eternal. My son had only ever attended a few services there, the last two being a memorial service for his grandparents and a rededication of the church which included remembrance of two elders who had passed on in recent years.  The names Spicer  Currie and Gamblin touch chords in us.  Deeply meaningful, ancestral names.  At those services, he sat in a pew surrounded by an extended family  many of whom he didn't know personally but who knew him.  He is the namesake of his Great Uncle Max. This is  how he is "known."  Uncle Max was an elder and a lifelong active resident of this community.  More intimately, he was our constant anytime we visited and he continues to cast a big presence in our lives.  God, I miss him.

As I took photos from the balcony, it was Uncle Max's voice I could hear the most pronouced...........singing in the choir, telling us stories, welcoming us with a huge smile and a big bear hug when we arrived to the big old house he had grown up in, which had been left in the Will to his sister, my Mother in Law..... my son's GrandMim.  The old house is now out of our reach.  We don't have access to it anymore.  But, the visit to the church reminded us both that its not what matters.  What matters is feeling the spirits of past and present which emanate throughout the village, especially in the pews of this little church. 

While my son looked around at the dedication plaques and recognized the names of relatives, he asked many questions.... good sense of belonging questions.   I could see in him how much it meant to feel this grounding...... this sense of place and person and hoped it helped him find a settling in the turmoil we have been experiencing.  His spirits were bouyant, uplifted........ which in turn lifted mine.

I continued to look around through the lens of my camera to catch the shadows of mid morning.  It was then that I remembered something about shadows ........... one can hear the sounds, the voices, the hymns caught in their breath when there's light shining above.  For it is light which allows the shadows to form...... Light provides the breath..........the spirit.  No light.  No shadows.  No breath from the past......

As we left........... my son asked me to remind him of his first trip to Spencer's Island.......... It was November, 12 and a half years ago.  He was 6 weeks old, and slept through the night for the first time in his wee life, cozied up in a basket bassinet right beside me........ The next day, we all went for a walk into Uncle Max's woods on a beautiful crisp sunny day.......... he in a snuggly wrapped around his Dad's chest ..... content as can be ..... and when he was hungry, I sat comfortably on a log in the middle of the woods and nursed my boy.  He loves that story.  So do I.  

More to come........................

crossing muddied waters.......

Boundaries have a life of their own.  Just when you think they are set up in a fashion you can live with, a new situation, perspective or person seems to come along and knock over the fort.  Or they swim across the moat..........or you reluctantly let the drawbridge down and Badaboom!  In they walk....... into your life, into your space, under your skin.  They seep into your awareness circle and alter the boundaries you have so purposefully and thoughtfully laid out.  Space invaders! 

Most of the time, you have some control over who gets to come in close.  Other times, you have no choice.  And of course, those are the times when it really takes a good "letting go" of the control panel to eventually come to terms with the new boundary.  How do you do that?  I've been working on this now for a month or so when I learned that the nefarious other woman was moving into the vicinity.  I know it is illogical for me to be all flustered about it, but dammit I am! 

Personal growth resides most effectively in the neighbourhood of Discomfort Heights.  But, do I want to live there?  Its nice to visit from time to time, but do I really want the neighbourhood I call home uncomfortable ? .......  the few square mile radius to be rattled by a boundary crosser........one who has upturned, upset, and upstarted my life and the lives of my children? NO!

Since there isn't a hope in hell this woman is leaving anytime soon, I have to seriously alter my thinking and feelings even though I certainly didn't welcome her to move close to my neighbourhood.  I don't even know what she looks like, though I've been given a vague description which has only informed me that she is most likely the direct opposite of me physically and personality wise.  Yet, this apparitious paramour is already ensconced as a permanent fixture in my life because she will eventually develop some kind of friendly rapport with my children and obviously has with the person I once considered the love of my life.  So, please tell me..... how do I get to a point of not caring about this? 

For anyone who doesn't live in this God forsaken small town we call a city, this place is notoriously TINY!  There are no degrees of separation between folks.  Everyone seems to be related or at least connected through one friend/cousin/acquaintance.  It's uncanny really.  So, my obsessive compulsiveness concerning this uncontrollable boundary move has some merit.  Even if it didn't, it does in my pointy little head. 

Why do I even care?  It's not rational. But then again, am I normally a rational kind of human being?  Hell no!  I'm a spontaneously combusting emotionally driven overly sensitive trash talking spouse who was dumped because of all those unpredictable feelings!  I AM SCARY!  BOO! What a hellish embarrassment I turned out to be.  Hmmmmmm...........maybe I'm not the one who should be nervous?

I can be rational when I'm forced to be.  I can be when I am emotionally literate.  I can be if I put my mind to it......... if I let go of an uncontrollable issue, if I remind myself that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't give a rat's ass about it.   But, really..........did she have to move in just up the hill from me?  Weren't there other homes on the other side of the river far away from the shops and services I frequent?  I already know she's a keener for Saturday market from reading her blog last winter, so chances are I'll cross paths with her there.  Its a public place.

I can get over these soulfully hurting feelings if I turn my cheeky cheeks, and just carry on. I have to let go of my ego driven selfish thoughts and give it up to just another situation I must learn to surrender up to a Higher Power.  There seems to be an awful lot of surrendering in life isn't there??

I have such an abundant life, and am even surrounded by neighbours who are looking out for me.  I have friends and family who protect me and most importantly help me get on with a new life.  And I have worked purposefully and slowly with this grieving and healing.   I've made unbelievable strides simply by taking new risks, forming deeper friendships, allowing my vulnerability to express itself, praying a lot, doing my own thing, finding waterfalls.........!  Do I need to put in any more time thinking about this? 

It all comes down to why we have boundaries in the first place.  They protect us for different reasons I guess......... and what do my boundaries protect me from?  Quite simply (but in no means simple) rejection.  The moment our paths cross, I just know I will feel the biggest jolt of rejection I have ever felt, and believe me this has been the most predominant feeling I have face in the last couple of years....... my awareness of how much it grew inside my marriage has ballooned over the past few months as I have chipped away at trying to understand just what went wrong.

So, where do I go from here?  How do I detach myself from these unhelpful thoughts?  The first step I've just completed.  I've given the issue wings and words.........I've flushed it out of my inner thoughts.  Then,  I will continue to remind myself that what is such a big freaking deal right now won't be a year from now.  It's just that when you are in the middle of living it, a year from now seems like eternity.  Then, I rethink and re-establish my boundaries and move on.

I wonder if she is still reading my blog?  I doubt it.  She's probably busy unpacking. 

Hey Spirit......here I am.......

Recently, I read a "once upon a time long ago" fable about an Explorer who was travelling through unchartered territory.  He was obsessed and determined to be the first to forge into the mysterious unknown.  He gathered his belongings and hired three local tribesmen to be his Guides. 

They set out at daybreak on the first morning with a pace that hardly allowed time to eat a meal or to really look around at the new surroundings.  They walked until it was dark and set up camp.  The second day, the pace increased.  The Explorer kept looking forward slashing his way through the bush and missing out on the landscape, the vistas when the forests opened up.  He blindly walked right past a glorious waterfall cascading down from a spring fed stream....... The Guides kept up, carried his belongings, gave him water and food when he needed it.  This type of journey wasn't something they understood or were familiar with.  What was this Explorer searching for???

On the third morning just before dawn, the Explorer dressed and ready for another day of crazed travelling,  called to his Guides to tell them it was time to move on.  But the Guides remained sitting still.  With more agression in his voice, he demanded that they get up.  It was time to move on.  But, the Guides refused to move.  

"Why aren't you respecting my direction?" asked the Explorer

"We can't leave here," said one of the Guides acting at the spokesman."  "We must remain here so that our spirits can catch up to us."  

That's exactly how I feel.  I need to sit still and let my spirit catch up to me.  Does anyone else feel like that? 

To describe the pace of my life...........emotionally, physically, spiritually.... since March as a whirlwind seems like an understatement.  As much as I have taken time to be still, to reflect and to do all the things I need to do to let go of the poisonous feelings caused by the hurt, and as much as I get up every day with the determination to take it slowly.......   life doesn't work that way..... especially the one I seem to be leading!  

Leading?  NOT!  Well, OK, I take full responsibility for the choices I make and for many of the situations I find myself in, which is admittedly fed by my insatiable curiosity and hunger for learning and experiencing new things.  Granted,  I have had the blessed fortune to have experienced unbelievable life affirming, happenings that continue to be illuminating, challenging, and FUN, I am drained.  Exhausted.  To use a British term............. I am shattered.   Gobsmacked too!  I know that doesn't mean tired, but I love that word and I do feel it as well.  Absolutely fucking Gobsmacked by how my life seems to be evolving.  BRING IT ON!

I am in a good place.........no more shock in my system. That electricity jolting is gone.  I sat in the grief of my pain and shock............confronted it, cried in it, raged, swore, and blown my nose in it.  I've spent many nights pacing, writing, crying, laughing, reflecting, tossing and turning, praying, bargaining, denying, depressing, talking, sharing, listening, working, processing.  I have pushed through bad dreams, visual pictures in my head......felt such emotional pain especially some mornings when I wake up and realize that my marriage is no more.  Done.  Kaput.  Failed.  This has softened...... the hardness of reality has softened. 

I am now in a place where I feel lighter, where I am unstuck, where the blessings are so abundant!  My voice is back.  My inner strength is blazing in light!  I am strong for my kids.  I am strong for myself.  I am beginning to feel pretty again.  Even sexy.  Can I say that?  I havent felt sexy in a long long time. To quote that weird song about Gretzky being played ad nauseum on CBC Radio 2?  "Pretty bloody sexy, pretty bloody sexy....!"  ;) 

To be HERE right now in this amazing frame of mind and heart?  It is through much hard work and unbelievable unconditional support in order to let go of it...... this is why I am so damn tired.  I know there are many upheavals ahead, including a symbolic one this weekend when someone moves to town, just up the road for God's sake, I believe I am much more balanced than I expected to be at this point in the separation.  Still, I ask myself..........what the hell is that all about?  Why so close to the neighbourhood?  eeeewwwww!  Whatever.  I'm not a cat. I will not spray the territory.  But, for God's sake, this is a very large country!

There are many many events and situations I have no control over.  I may question it and wonder every now and then if God is just playing games again, I'm alright with that.  Surrendering is empowering as well as humbling. On the other hand, there are many many events I do have some control over.  If I continue to be aware of my own needs and those of my children, I will be just fine, and have some fun while I'm at it.  

In the meantime............what I need?  Time to rest, sleep, jump out of routine and let my Spirit catch up to me.  And that's what I plan to do........... let the wind carry my spirit across the waters, up  through the front door, down the hall and into my beautiful blue bedroom where I will waiting........

Let the universe unfold as it should.  Let it carry me in my Chestnut canoe (I wish!)  down through the river currents without once having to use a hard "C" stroke. 

Hey Spirit?  Come over and let's dance.  I'll be waiting........... the music is on and the wine is chilling.  I think you're gonna enjoy this place I call home.

Where your treasure is, there is your heart also.........

                                                    

"Gloria's Poppy."

Now poster size, 

this umbrella beauty is framed and hangs 

above my bed to protect me from storms 

Hi there!  I can't believe how little I've been blogging.  I've been writing, but not on this site.  I seem to be finding new avenues to explore, and I'm enjoying all of them...... one on one communications as well as journaling.  It feels like right now, much of what I want to share I want to share with one person at a time.  The written conversations as well as the face to face ones have been rich in emotional texture.... good heart opening stuff, which has left me feeling a sense of prosperity deeper than I have felt in years.  

Whether its been in a canoe (yes, I've been paddling...and will go again soon), around my little campfire pit in my backyard.......whether its been long rambling laughter filled conversations on the phone late into the night, or beautiful sharing of hearts through fingertip touching internet style, it's all been healing,  life affirming.  The strength of my friendships with both family and friends has deepened too,for all of us.  Not just me.   Vulnerability does have its up side.  You tend to get to a place where you really don't give a rat's ass what you say and you say what you mean with an honesty far away from shadows. 

Meaningfully beyond, beyond the daily doses of chatty surface stuff.

Every single day brings forth a cornucopia of life events and connections with surprising twists and turns, most of which has a dash of absurdist hilarity, a doppling of doubt, a wallop of reality, and a softening of heart. Feelings and thoughts are stirred inside me as I dwell in this fantastic emotionally driven place of inner creative flow. I know that when I have time to capture some of its wondrous essence, I may just have myself an interesting book written. 

The shock has lifted.  I was hesitant to believe it, but it has.  That's not to say I'm not sad and angry still.  Sadness grabs hold of me at the most inopportune times.  Anger sometimes seeps out of me like a viper and I try my best not to direct it at anyone.  When it hits........ I sing the song from Finding Nemo when Dory calls Nemo "Mr Grumpy Gills..."

Just keep swimming,

Just keep swimming.......

I'm not startled anymore.  My house isn't startled anymore.  Most importantly, my children aren't startled anymore.  Big emotions still, of course, but no startling.  We are in good shape to enter into the summer vacation months.  This was one goal I had for them.  I wanted them to have time to gather their strength while finding their footing again.  I am inspired by their resiliency and their ability to process the life altering changes thrown at them, knowing they are loved, loved, loved.  I am blessed to learn from them and to lead them as their resilient Momma.

I also have learned that the universe certainly does look after you if you allow it to.  I didn't believe this. I thought it was some new age tired mantra crock  set up to convince you to be irresponsible of actions and thoughts.  It's funny, the more resentful I became that I didn't feel a sense of equality and balance in my marriage, the more shut down I was from the possibility that this feeling could come from another place.... that the universe will  look after you.  Its not like you're there for a free ride.  Far from it, but there comes a point when surrendering up one's control panel and letting go of the "stuff" that seemed so damn important at the time can produce a sense of freedom that literally makes the air thin and beautiful refreshing.  

In so doing, I'm taking new steps I never thought I would.  I'm seeking out as well as receiving newness.  Change is being embraced.  The winds are bringing them to me and I like the look and feel of the new breezes.  Who knows where it will lead.  Who knows where I will land?  It doesn't matter the destination right now.  What matters is that I am surrounded by love, concern, and such beautiful encouragement that I can't help but smile more.  The treasures are felt inside the heart, abundantly. 

I have returned to poetic words of John O'Donohue.  His blessings ARE a blessing.  Reading his prose, particularly in his book Anam Cara, I feel like I'm reading it for the first time.  Why?  Because my gaze has changed.  The lens I am fitted with right now is flexible and colourful.  This morning I read this again.... 

"The state of one's heart inevitably shapes one's life; it is ultimately the place where everything is decided.

• A courageous heart will go forth and engage with life despite confusion and fear
• A fearful heart will be hesitant and will tend to hold back
• A heavy heart will make for a gloomy, unlived life
• A compassionate heart need never carry burden of judgment
• A forgiving heart knows the art of liberation
• A loving heart awakens the spirit of possibility and engagement of others."

Today, I believe I have found my courageous heart.  There is no doubt in my mind that I am where I am because of the compassionate and loving hearts who have surrounded me with their light.  God dwells in our hearts.  As Father O'Donohue states........ "the heart is the divine sanctuary...."  How rich we are to carry that in us.  

Hey!  Here I am................and I feel fine. xxx

stern your own canoe

"Take time to accept responsibility. Your life is exactly that - It's your life. It is created by you. You are constantly making choices, constantly creating new experiences. And although we can be affected by circumstances which can seem to be completely out of our control, essentially, we decide the direction in which we walk."

Nicolas Watkins

If ever there was an activity that automatically brings me peace, its canoeing.  Even if I'm in rough currents, I still have a sense of the divine resonating inside me.  Though I RARELY get out for a real paddle, and by GOD I'm going to this summer, even the visualization of paddling can soothe the savages that rage inside me. The pictures, the stories, the memories are real and at my mind fingertips whenever I need to "go there."  I think living by the Saint John river and being able to see it every single day has been the source of keeping the internal pictures alive and fresh.

I remember times when I floated along the shores, through the lily pads and lake grass enjoying the water spiders and little fish quietly living their lives. I have found the strength to take deep plunges with my paddle, to fight off the north winds as I cascaded over white caps trying to make it across the lake to a calmer locale. 

I have laid back against the thwarts and looked up into the sky allowing the canoe to drift along the currents. I have sat in wonder under a midnight blue canvas shimmering in starlights without any city lights to tarnish its splendour.  Using my own body strength I have tramped through mosquito ridden woods portaging while leading a group of teens to do the same......... to get to another lake beyond the roads. It was always, always worth the pain and sweat of the portage to get that first glimpse of a pristine lake void of any cottages or motor boats.

For many summers, I taught children how to find their own way using a paddle and a chestnut canoe.  I still smile broadly when I think of it of those times.   One spring, it was my job to teach a bunch of city kid neophytes, who had never set foot outside of their concrete neighbourhoods let alone slept in cabins, or seen a pristine lake surrounded by pine and the beautiful rock of the Canadian Shield all the basics of canoeing.  I would have the group for the morning...........on the docks, close to the beach........ practising.  Just before lunch, we'd pack the canoes and set OFF across the lake to an island where we would set up camp for lunch.  

There, I showed them how to make a good campfire. We'd cook our lunch together and then I'd show them how to use a reflector oven and we'd bake a cake for dessert.  They thought that was magical.  In the afternoons, we'd go exploring........... all around the lake.  And as we went, we'd sing songs, share stories and get to know one another.  Most importantly, we'd make sure that the strength of the group carried us all, even if there was someone with us who struggled to keep up.

The look of fatigue AND accomplishment on these kids faces at the end of the day was brilliant!  I'll never forget it.  These little anklebiter city kids had done something FAR beyond their own reality horizons and it shifted them. To be able to say.... "I did that" can stretch into "I can do that......."  and beyond to "I will try that........."  It was a beautiful lesson in the creating choices and making them.  For yourself.  By yourself.

My canoe now is more or less a metaphor.  I don't own one. I want one, and maybe it will happen soon.

Across the water......... dip, dip and swing.

My days sterning a canoe used to mostly be in familiar waters.  Every now and then, I'd branch out........like I did when I flew across the big blue pond to attend the Greenbelt Festival on my own last year.  Even with that, I had a pretty good inkling of what to expect (though definitely not the whole picture.... much of it was a mystery) and I had familiar friendly faces to greet me..... 

When I look at the paddling I've been doing, some of which feels like going upriver WITHOUT a paddle, I see how I am still sterning.  It's just takes a little more energy, a little more intensity.  On the other hand, I have also learned that sometimes its a good thing to surrender that spot in the canoe to allow another to stern, while kneel in the bow to look out for those standing waves and dead heads.  I've done both this spring........ with the help of friends and family.  With the help of God.


Usually, I know which inlet I'm visiting. I am aware of the weather up ahead. I can find the right harbour, the best shore, the sturdy dock. Familiarity allows for this. Familiarity allows for us to have the feeling that we can paddle solo......that we can do it alone. But, I'm wondering if familiarity also generates doubt which perpetuates desire to tackle something new? We get settled in the same canoe, on the same lake, looking at the same inlets. The seasons come and go, the winds come and go........ all predictably familiar. Which is nice, if you're completely and utterly content.

And if you are.........completely and utterly content...............go with it........more power to you.....rock on.......... just watch out for those nasty snapping turtles, oh and the driftwood.....oh, and watch out for the changing water levels, where all of a sudden, the familiar lake alters it's vista and you're left grounded on a new sandbar with a stick puncturing your beloved canoe.

Yeah, familiarity...............a facade, isn't it, with contentment as a trap?

Today, I headed over to what looks like an inlet from afar, but as you get closer, you can see it's really the beginning of a tributary feeding into another lake. It's the other lake where I have heard has a couple of beautiful campgrounds to check out. It is where my next destination lies. I know this lake, but not as well, so have decided to ask for directions, to ask for help with the navigating.

Help, I pray ........ will you please help me? I asked.......... these are not words I often spout because I'm normally comfortable soloing. I'm normally the navigator for others. But, today I asked someone whom I know clearly has a big picture of the lay of the land and lake..........

His answer?

"Yes, I would love to help you. But, I don't want you to settle for something you're not completely excited about. I want you to be picky about your destination. And while I'm helping you, I want you to plant as many seeds as you can along the way........."

Our lives are created by us, as noted in the quote........but we should never be afraid to check out new vistas, to pass up familiarity and more importantly to ask for help in the paddling to a new destination.

Think I've just pushed off from the shore.....it may be a longer paddle than I anticipate because, well I'm not going to settle for the first campground I check out.....it takes time.......but I have help. We all do. I don't have to navigate alone.  And for that reason, when I look up into the blue heavens above, my prayer will always and forever be....

"Thank you........"