On those days when darkness covers the world around you, then somehow slips under your skin when you're not paying attention, you find yourself counting shadows instead of sheep. Contented dreams remain out of reach. Calm is peppered by a hideous invasion of internal noises. Shadows can be loud visitors. They don't lovingly bleat like sheep and happily hop back over the fence. Instead, they stick around hovering under your breath until you begin to fall into night's bottomless cavern.
one,
two,
three,
four......
Shadows resemble a chorus of fear, accompanied by the looming rhythm of your own heartbeat. Regular pathumps intensify to a loud drumming of dread. These pulsing disturbances push you past any realm of comfort to a suffering soul place. You're struck hard by the acute realization that you come from dust, and that no matter how hard you try... no matter how long you seek out relief through a solution, the fact is what it is. All suffering is simply a version of coming face to face with mortality.
five ......................................................... six
seveneightnineteneleven
The din continues, ...... a nagging rapture of furious angels leap out from the shadows to summon your drumming heart. A blurring flurry of fussy wings thresh, summoning awareness that all you've ever known is not enough....that what you're struggling with cannot be fixed by your combative ego .... that the reins you've held onto so tightly for control have to be released. When it feels as though the air can't be any darker, when the hum of angels hit a crescendo making the shadows dance like they have won, surrendering is the only option.
Just when you're about to let go of any form of faith you have, your hands automatically turn upward with plea in your heart. To stop the flight of furious angels. You've heard their message. It is then and only then that you have opened up wide enough to let in the light of God. .... to ask for His guidance.
May you stay right there amongst the dancing shadows, the frenzied angels, and the pain of suffering until you can hear an answer to your prayer. Don't let your ego get in the way.
9 comments:
WOW. This really resonates with me. Lately, I have been throwing out prayers to the angels for help and even though it is scary to throw myself on their mercy, I know they will help me. In fact, they already have. Your post seems to be an extension of that help. A confirmation. They certainly work in mysterious ways....
Selma...it makes me feel sooooooo good that this resonated with you. thank you! I have been revisiting this little piece for a week now. It originally started with two phrases that were floating in my head.... counting shadows and furious angels. I wanted to combine them, and had hoped for a poem. However, I read a quote piece on Jen's blog referring to Carl Jung's theory of individuation.... how we must let go of the Self in order to learn from the suffering etc, and it seemed to fit with my own thoughts and personal life right now.
So often we don't have the courage to throw ourselves open on the mercy of God's messengers do we...? We want to keep control.
You've confirmed my beliefs too. thank you.
"Shadows resemble a chorus of fear"
but my faith always gives me the sunshine to go on. The one who is in me is greater than the one in this world -- I hold on to this and go on.
I would also agree with Selma that I have been a bit callous with my emotions. Every time I fall I think and go through the thoughts you have so beautifully explained.
Many Thanks.
Joy and peace,
Susan
I love studying the shadow, Dana!
Have you read any of Robert Johnson's books? I just finished "Owning Your Own Shadow" and it was FABULOUS!
THe best think I learned is that there is much goodness in that dark place...those parts of us that we shove away and try not to face actually hold a TON of potential and energy (artistic, emotional, intellectual). What a wonderful surprise. It goes against everything Western Civ teaches us.
The beauty in it is that God creates us, shadow and light. He didn't make any mistakes. God is there, when we face that part of us that we've been denying for so long.
A wonderful choice of words, put together to say such a lot; especially at this time of Lenten reflection.
Beautiful writing Dana, it lights up the dark areas.
Susan.... I wonder if it takes a good stumble to the knees sometimes to remember that the One inside us is greater than the one in this world. Sometimes we get too bold to hold onto that faith. thank you for visiting
Jen...we sure waste a lot of energy before we let go to that Higher Power don't we. Thank you for the book reference. I'll look into it. I'm at a loss right now for reading.
David.... Lent is on my mind as is the darkness of it. I'm glad this spoke to you..... as Cohen so beautifully wrote... there are cracks in everything. that's how the light gets in.....
Been there, done that, don't do it anymore. My mind is peaceful for I know that all the worries of the night are not worth worrying about. I don't worry about that which I cannot control for I have no control over it and I don't worry about that which I can control because I choose to take action. Fear is a product of the ego the peace is within us when we let go of the ego peace will surface.
beautiful...you have just created a lump in my throat, eyes swelling with hope. so nicely written, portrayed
You're at a loss for reading?
Well, my friend... ;-)
Marian Woodman: Addicted to Perfection, The Unravished Bride
Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD
Women Who Run With The Wolves
Both Jungian analysts, both steeped in archetypal, mythological goodness. Just fabulous stuff. Good, live-giving, affirming goodness.
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