Sunday, February 20, 2011

an unwanted visitor..........

I have a new visitor who seems to have settled into my temples and refuses to leave.  February dreary is it's favourite month, when you're stuck inside  surrounded by stale air and shadowy walls that seem to wobble inward. This so called guest smells of burning rubber and overcooked meat. Not a great aroma when the windows are shut. It feels like dry chalk remnants on sun famished hands. No amount of lotion can quell the cracked skin.   It sounds like your least favourite song played over and over again!  It looks like a dopey deer caught in the headlights.  Or perhaps an overweight Ogre who blocks the sun with its disgusting flabs of flatulence.   

Well, maybe it does.... I haven't decided yet. 
I've tried to shoo it out the door, but it sneaks back in, bores straight into that familiar place in my head, sits right down on my resolve and spews out ongoing smelly ruminations thereby blocking any attempts I make to move forward. This unwelcome squatter has the ability to shake up my resolve, to screw up any attempt at a "to do" list and  to toss in unhelpful questions that force my eyes downward to gaze at my navel.  

Well, i think it does.  I'm not too sure......

Clarity?  It clouds every issue in various hazes of grey.
Focus?  It eats it for breakfast and then belches in victory.
Sleep? It wrestles your dreams into nightmare submissions! 
Determination?  It melts the reserves turning it into tearpuddle frustrations.
Creativity?  It continually smears my work with swaths of black gooey paint. 
Certainty?  It introduces the dance of doubt leaving me tripping over my dainty feet.
Confidence?  Well, this blasted boundary hunter is holding my courage hostage!
My Mother in Law used to say....... "Guests are like fish.  They begin to stink after three days...."  Well, if that's the case, I've got a guest that ranks as odourfically as lobster bait! Ever inhaled a whiff of that lovely concoction?  I WANT it GONE!  Open the windows, turn on the fans, clear out the stink!  Time to let in bountiful fresh air! 

Maybe, I havent been direct enough with my vamoosing.  Maybe I haven't been clear enough with this unwanted visitor ?  I want it gone!  Right? Isn't that what I want?    I don't know .......... oh shit, here I go again......... second guessing myself!  

Enough I SAY!  EnuFFF!  You know,  thoughts are only illusions if they remain unspoken or unexpressed!  They bing a bong like marbles in an pinball machine in your busy brain trapping you in a state of indecision so paralyzing that you miss out on LIVING!  Turns out unharnessed thoughts breathe life into my unwanted intruder who has completely overstayed its welcome.  You've got to bellow those thoughts out in any way you can .....clear a path through the mumbling marbles.  Whether its through talking, writing, painting, running, climbing, relaxing, praying, acting.... DOING, its time to find the breath of my own spirit again. Before my soul wears right through.......

By breathing them out, I deplete the strength of this constantly devouring interloper!  

I think.  hmmmm..... I hope. hmmmmmm.... OK, I know.  I KNOW this!

Indecison?  You've overstayed your welcome.  Heck, I didn't even invite you!  So, pack up buddy!  Get out of my life and do not interupt, invade, smear, attack, belch, or try to befriend again.  I've got reserves you don't know even know about.  I've got strength you can never touch!  I've put words to you measley thoughts and have depleted your stranglehold on me! And NOW!?  I've got my smile on, which I know VERY well is your evil nemesis!  Hahahahaha!  I win! 

Oh, and indecision, you smelly piece of fish waste, just in case you think you can take over my game, I offer you this piece of music!   

I dare you to have a listen! 

Photo of that "clown" indecision packing the trunk of his car.
good riddance!


On a limb with Claudia said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you're blue. I think there's a lot of that going around. Everywhere you look there's sorrow and despair heightened by the constant 24/7 ubiquitous media. Sigh.

You're a warrior Dana - you'll triumph. I have no doubt about that.

awareness said...

Thanks Claudia. I guess the blueness came through much more than I realized. Indecision is definitely a side effect of that, but writing this piece and putting my thoughts down creatively made me laugh out loud! And then when I found the Sound of Music clip on Youtube with Maria AND Stewie from South Park singing I've got confidence, well I hit paydirt!

I am triumphing! And damn determined to fight off indecision! I've got miles to go before I sleep. hahahaha!

BreadBox said...

Hope you are sure about this!


awareness said...

Hey N! Sorry I didn't reply right away. I had to decide what to say. I still havent figured out what I want to say....... :)