Friday, January 23, 2009

getting through....recapturing peace of mind.

It seems as though I suffer more from the "getting throughs" at this time of year than in the peak of summer. Everything requires so much more effort starting from getting out of bed in the morning when its still dark out. It just feels so unnatural, like our own internal need is to sleep deeper, to stay tucked under the duvet, to wait until light begins to pour through the window. Just the knowledge let alone the reality of having deal with parkas, hats, mitts, big fur lined boots, icy sidewalks, cold cars just to get out the door in the morning to go to work can invoke the mind altering "getting throughs...."
"Can't I just stay home??? This is what the little whiney voice says in my head. "When does Friday come around again," it says as the aches of wanting to hibernate kick in.

I'm beginning to realize that my "getting throughs" are in direct correlation with the absence of enough light in my life. I need it to boost my energy. The paradox here, however is that I love winter nights when the pitch outside has an infinite space to it, when the twinkling lights inside glow brighter in contrast. I rarely feel the pushing sensation of wanting it to end, of wanting to get through it.

It's been a long week full of the regular responsibilities accompanied by a multitude of other activities thrown into the mix. Its left me with an empty cup. Somewhere in the middle of the week, my focus flipped forward with such yearning for Friday to come. That "in the moment" frame of mind kept slipping out of my grasp and the more it did, the more energy I had to expend in order to stay on task. Wishing one's week or day away is an unsatisfactory trap because you do miss out on the collective nuances of breathing the air around you.

I had a few amazing counselling sessions, and connected with a few colleagues at a deeper level.....sharing personal histories never shared before over the lunch hour. I celebrated the historic inauguration of Barack Obama, soaking up his stern message to anyone who was listening clearly that it was time to grow up and take some ownership on our global and personal affairs. I spent one evening trying with all my might to remember how to figure out the standard deviation of a bell curve. HELLO!?? Thank God for my blogging friend Breadbox who came to my rescue with a quick tutorial for my daughter who was studying for her Math exam. Thank you N!

All week, I advocated, conjoled, promoted, counselled, listened, interacted.....all good stuff but tiring too.....especially if your mindset is focused on the end of the week. I am literally all talked out and spent from listening and coaching and trying to find solutions. Spent. I havent one new idea in my head......not one. I used them up.....

So here I sit on a Friday evening....having made it through another week. I made it! I'm sitting on my oh so comfortable couch, snuggled into the corner, tucked in under great new blanket my parents sent as a Christmas present. Everyone is out tonight for a short while. The dogs are sleeping soundly. I can faintly hear the singleness of a lonely car driving by below on the old highway along the river. No music is playing. The TV is off. Every now and then, I stoke the logs in the fire and listen to the last of the sap steam through the cracks in the wood as the flames lap up in a heated dance. That's as boisterous I'm going to get tonight.

I'm happy, grateful, peaceful, warm, reminiscent, wondering and content. It's Friday evening and I'm enjoying every minute of it's nighttime darkness and inside twinking light in the quiet comforting silence of my home....a place where I can hibernate and recharge my batteries.

Oh, I wrote too soon.......! Gracie the puppy has just pounced up on the couch with her new bone and is desperately trying to bury it in my new blanket! Drats! Looks like I'll have to share this couch cocooning with rawhide and puppy breath. The little bugger has literally crawled up behind my back and is staring down over my shoulder watching my fingers hit the keys. Too funny.

Off to stoke the fire and find a chew toy for you know who.....and get back to the blanket before my bare feet feel the cold.

good night.......hibernation awaits...I've been so looking forward to it.


Tabitha Chooses Bliss said...

You have had an extremely long week. Enjoy your weekend!

paulwchambers said...

have a few glasses from the vine.... light candles, listen to Father O's voice.... and drink deep of the mystery...

love that picture....

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Sounds very very cozy and comfy in your home with the fire crackling....Hibernation is needed sometimes so that you then have the energy and a new perspective to go out once again, into the fray.....!
Hope you have a lovely peaceful and very enjoyable weekend!
And this year we sets the clocks forward about a month earlier...Hooray! More "light"....!

Gilly said...

Have a wonderful weekend! I have a very strong hibernation longing these dark days! Although, being retired, there are no more Mondahys! Still, I write from home, so deadlines do tend to loom up!

Hope your days are lovely and bright this weekend and you get some sun to revive your spirits.

Marja said...

I was just confused but than realised we are ahead of you in time (and in season) I remeber in Holland lots of people got depressed haven't seen the sun for months by the end of the winter.
I am blessed now with short winters and we are now in 30 degrees already for a week That's not fun either when you work.
But ho I don't complain Keep warm and keep in touch Dana I think you are doing a great job

Awareness said... seems like they all are these days....for the most part I like it that way. And I love my weekends too...the open endedness of them. You enjoy yours too.

Paul....isn't it a lovely blanket? I love how the colours blend and reflect. I did exactly what you described....the perfect way to fill one's cup again.

Naomi.... I love my home, especially the living room which has one wall of windows overlooking the valley and river. At night, they reflect the lights inside. I kept a set of tiny white lights on my mantle rather than take them down after Christmas because of how pretty they are reflected off the glass. Candles too.

As for daylight savings? I had forgotten! Praise the Lord!! You know I'm writing this after 7 am and the darn sun hasn't even blinked on the horizon yet! Crazy.

Gilly...thank you. OK, I want what you're doing! I want to be home to write!!
We've no big plans this weekend, which suits us all. So, outdoor pursuits are a must....My husband and I are going to showshoe just up the hill from our house at some point. It's such a wonderful (and tiring) pursuit because it can take you right into the woods where the sounds are so light and the air is so thin. I love that.

Marja...thank you for the encouragement. I actually had a great sleep last night and feel refreshed. My brain is zinging with thoughts already. So, hopefully I can capture some of them on this blog.

Romany Angel said...

Oh how I would love to be curled up with a roaring fire and a blanket. Sounds like heaven to me.

BreadBox said...

(on the "thank you") You are welcome:-) Hope she did well!


Awareness said...

Gypsy....Heaven, yes....a little slice.

N....Lots of standard deviation questions it turns out, so your email lesson truly helped. Thank you. Exams are done and she feels they went well. Tomorrow is a freebie day before the new semester my basement has been taken over by three very relieved 15 year olds who just rented Dead Poets Society and Notting Hill.....two movies they havent seen before.