Tuesday, October 24, 2006

In Search of Forgiveness.





What are the seeds of forgiveness?
Empathy, compassion, understanding, trust, and believing all come to mind. From that grows hope, and a sense of connecting with humanity.
Forgiveness cuts the cords to the oppressive burden of guilt roll away
Leaving a lovely scent of violets?

Sharon is a 20 something single mom of an eight year old little boy. She is an exuberant, gifted young woman who is fully bilingual, has many marketable skills, excellent interpersonal talents and has a strong presence. I was drawn to her the first time she walked into my office a couple of years ago, seemingly full of confidence with a strong streak of independence. That persona dropped quickly as she openly shared her story.

There is always a story. Someone doesn't end up at the end of the road trying to live on social assistance without a story.

Despite her many talents, Sharon had little hope at the time of finding employment. Why? She had stolen money from her employer and was being charged with theft. In the fall of 2003, her partner had left her holding a big bag of financial debt, with the sole responsibility of caring for their son. Her crisis continued to escalate. Rent was too steep for her to manage on her own, and she was getting behind on her bills. Instead of reaching out to her family, she tried to deal with her situation on her own. Pride and denial drove her deeper into a financial quagmire until one day she received a last notice from the Hydro company stating that her power was to be turned off within a week unless her bill was paid in full.

What to do?

There was a money float of petty cash in the large office where she worked in as an administrative receptionist. She decided to "borrow" the money to pay the bill, with the intentions of repaying it before anyone noticed it missing.

More bills came in. More threats from companies. More pressure to manage her life and look after her son piled on her. Suffocating from the stress, and very tired from lack of sleep, Sharon. admitted that she was not thinking straight at all when she decided to "borrow" more money. All the while, she kept her head in the sand, not admitting to herself that what she was doing was illegal. 3 months later just before Christmas, reality slammed into her. She was in way over her head and had no means to pay the money back. Finally, she turned to her mother and her aunt and told them the story. Undoubtedly they were taken aback by it all, but quickly arranged to support her by loaning her the money to pay the office back in full.

Sharon's story rivetted me............this vulnerable individual doing the best she could in the situation she found herself in. Sure, her choices were wrong......... but what would I do if I found myself in her shoes?

The next day, Sharon went straight into her Manager's office and confessed. She explained to her that she would have the money back in full by the end of the week. Her Manager was shocked, mostly because Sharon doesn't "fit" the picture one has of a thief (whatever that looks like), but informed Sharon that she would have to report the incident to her superior. Expecting this response, she wrote a long letter to the CEO explaining the circumstances, describing how badly she felt about it, and that she had full intentions of paying it back. She thought that given her unblemished track record up until then, the fact that she got along with everyone, that she worked hard etc, that they would reconsider pursuing the matter with the local authorities. Unfortunately, when management did an accounting of all petty cash withdrawals etc, they found that 3 times as much money had been siphoned off than Sharon was admitting to. They didn't believe her when she told them she didn't take that amount. Very quickly they contacted the police and pressed charges.

I listened to her story and was perplexed for many reasons , but mostly because I knew that if I had been in the same situation, I may have done the same thing. She was no different than me. In fact, we had clicked because we shared similar personality qualities. Given that she really had nothing to lose by telling me her version of the events, and she seemed gracious and full of remorse, I intuitively believed her. We talked at length about her fears of the impending court hearing, and the reality that she was now living on a small fixed income with no possibility of working for a while until she knew where things were headed. It was grim.

Our conversation then shifted gears as I offered her some hope by arranging for her to meet with a Career Counsellor to explore the possibility of going to university. We talked about her dream of obtaining her degree. It was exactly what I had envisioned for her while we talked and I shared that with her. This bonded our interaction even more. I encouraged her to take the opportunity to focus on her future dreams after the nightmare and penance were over. Then, I gave her the name of her Case Manager, gave her a hug and wished her well.

2 months went by. We didn't meet again, but I kept up to date on her situation by the the front page article of her court case in the local paper. She was not going to jail. Instead, she received 6 months in-house arrest, and 6 months probation after that. I called her at home that day to see how she was. Relieved but still shaking and upset she was ready to serve her time. I told her that I was thinking about her and let her know that she could call me anytime. I never heard from her directly throughout her house arrest period, but knew through the grapevine, that she had enrolled at University September 2004, amazingly starting while still under house arrest and managed to successfully complete her first year.

This time last year, a colleague happened to mention that her morning appointment to apply for a childcare subsidy had cancelled because she had withdrawn from university. Because I'm nosey..............I asked who it was. It was Sharon. This colleague was new and had no idea that I would have had any previous contact with Sharon. It seemed like a fluke, but as soon as I heard Sharon's name, I knew that I had to act. I wanted to act. I called her promptly to invite her in to talk. Her response was one of surprise and gratitude that I had remembered her and that I cared.

Sharon arrived back to my office days later armed with two coffees and a hungry eagerness to talk. In-house arrest was very tough. But, she did it and learned from the experience. She spoke of the incessant need to be self-directed and disciplined during the circumstances. She spoke of the loss of dignity and respect, the feeling of always being monitored, the bottomless sense of freedom she felt when it was over, her relationship with her Probation Officer and how she is still in touch with them (that's a first, I'm sure). Most importantly, she described the impact that the whole awful episode had on her son. He had taken the brunt of the emotional turmoil and was acting it out in school, on the playground, and at home. Sharon felt that she had to withdraw from school, find employment and be present for her son. He needed her, and she needed to have regular work hours to offer him a more secure and predictable home life.

Throughout the conversation, Sharon sprinkled it with comments about forgiveness; finding forgiveness, forgiving herself, believing others have forgiven her, searching for a sense of calm that forgiveness provides. Ridding the guilt. She hadn't found it yet. In fact, she had experienced the freeze out by a potential employer that had initially sought her out and was on the verge of offering her a very good job opportunity. But when Sharon openly told them her whole story, the door was slammed shut. And it hurt. She was stung.

So, she continued to to search for the grace to forgive herself and move on, still hopeful that someone out there would give her a chance at redemption. She also continued to touch base with me, which I encouraged because I really liked her. I really wanted her to succeed. Most importantly, she had taught me a huge lesson in honest integrity and in owning up to mistakes. I wanted to see if she would be able to move on and forgive herself and not be like so many who remain stuck flogging their own foibles.

It didn't take as long as either one of us thought. Sharon had arrived at a fundraising Christmas Bazaar I had organized for my son's school last November to volunteer to run an activity for me. She had offered as a way to support me, and I had gratefully accepted. After the event was over, we met up outside when she told me that she was going to be starting a new job at the beginning of the week..... She had been completely honest with her employer during the interview. It was her honesty that landed her the job.

Sharon continues to work. Her son is doing well. She has a new man in her life. She has moved on as an active and successful member of our community.........with hopes of returning to University one day soon. She wants to be a lawyer. :)


15 comments:

Canuckguy said...

Well that was an uplifting story, certainly not the downer "Angie' was.

Surely Sharon must now think, as I do, how much better it would have been if she had just quietly replaced the money. I would not fault her on that move.

In another vein, I do not fault any prospective employer from shying away from a convicted thief. However I certainly admire the one who took a chance and hired her.

One last comment, so she wants to be a lawyer, won't there be problems getting admitted to the bar if you have a criminal record?

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

What a story with such a good message.

It is difficult for single parents to manage, let only one who is so young with an 7 year old.

As far as being admitted to the bar, it depends upon what type of crimes the individual committed which is contigent upon the individual state's laws. Let her worry about law school first.

Canuckguy said...

Well California Girl, I disagree. It would be a huge waste of time and money if she got a legal degree and then was refused entry to the bar based on her criminal record.

I say Sharon should play it safe and check it out first. Awareness, you should make Sharon aware of this.

Balbulican said...

You may be right about restrictions on being called to the bar, Canuck, but there are other things one can do with a law degree than practice law...paralegal counselling, advocacy work, lots of stuff.

Great story, Awareness, and it prompted some disturbing reflections about the real nature of real "foregiveness".

Canuckguy said...

Balbul;
Regarding "paralegal counselling, advocacy work, lots of stuff."

The bar is where the money is, your suggestions are poor paying because leftists are cheap.

To save you the trouble, let me take the words out of your mouth, "There is more to life than money; honour and dignity for instance."

There, I stand humbled in my crassness.

Ellen said...

It takes a big person to own up to their mistakes, and I applaud Sharon for her honesty. Not many of us would have had the you-know-what's to do that. We would have just snuck the money back and let it go.

In some cases (as they do happen), people learn from those mistakes and go on to lead productive, clean lives. After all, Sharon was doing what she did under the guise of survival. It's not like she was a seriel offender.

What's that saying? Oh yeah.... It takes a lifetime to build reputation, and only a seconds to see it go to crumbles. Let's hope this mistake is the page turner on Sharons life. Go forth, Sharon, and do good things from now on.

You certainly do meet the most interesting people in your line of work. I find less and less reasons to complain about my own.

Bar L. said...

Its easy to make a mistake but it sure is difficult to confess and own up to them sometimes. Very inpsiring story!

The Harbour of Ourselves said...

hey, where have i heard that quote before?

Verty moving story, for some reason am reminded of Desmond Tutu's book 'No Future Without forgiveness' - how true - and he dedicated it to 'all the little people'

...and we're all one of those sometimes

Balbulican said...

Canuckguy, you may not be aware that there are many paralegal employment opportunities in a corporate setting. I employ a woman who graduated from the faculty of law at U Vic, who has no desire to operate a legal practice: her interest is public policy.

awareness said...

Wow! What a response! thanks.

so.......here is mine to yours....

I don't fault any prospective employer from shying away from a thief, especially is any amount of money is involved. Plus, Sharon's crime was pretty darn "fresh" ... not a lot of time had expired between house arrest and job searching. The job she had been "wooed for" and then had the door slammed in her face was a one that was quite public and the employer just couldn't take the risk given the amount of publicity she received during her trial.

As far as her pursuit of a law degree. I agree with Balbulican. There are many opportunities (policy, advocacy etc) that she could pursue and I have talked to her about this. It takes 9 years to get a pardon for a crime.....however.....she's young and is now working while plugging away at an undergraduate degree. It may be a long time before she can even consider pursuing a law degree..... by then, perhaps she will have received a pardon.

Ellen......you're so right. I think that's why I was so impressed with her. Sharon and I talked at length about whether or not she should be so up front about her crime. It came down to her belief that she couldn't live with herself if she had lied. Plus, she never wanted to find herself in a situation where something happened in a work place that she didn't have anything to do with and then get "found out" and smeared with an accusation. she had already felt that because obviously someone else in the company was siphoning money at the same time she was and she ended up taking the blame for all of it.


Paul......yes! I was searching for a painting/image of some sort to add to the story.....and the first image that I came across was Twain's quote! How synchronistic. I couldn't resist.
I decided on the weekend to write about mercy and forgiveness this week......sharing stories and my thoughts...... and all the while I have been thinking a great deal about Desmond Tutu. His efforts to help S. Africa move forward through forgiveness after the demise of Apartheid is so incredible. We should never forget his actions and words....

Sharon has been an inspiration. Last winter she dropped by to give me a multicoloured dragonfly ornament......a present that I hold dear. It represents freedom. It sits on my computer, looking a me as I do my work.

Now........I must go back to that!!

Beth said...

Great post and terrific story. Thanks.

Scott said...

That is an inspiring story. Thanks for sharing it. I am a huge believer in forgiveness and redemption. Six months house arrest seems really steep for someone that confessed to a crime that would not have been caught if she did not tell the truth.

Good for her for her honesty and integrity in the end.

Scott

awareness said...

Hi Beth....welcome

Scott..Six months was harsh I thought, especially when at the same time that this was occuring, our beloved (note sarcasm) Svend Robinson was professing mental health issues over his light fingered episode with the EXPENSIVE ring!! Did he get house arrest? No, the doctor put him on Paxil.
But......... I forgive him...... :)

Thats the thing about mercy.....the person seeking forgiveness has to genuinely display a sense of remorse and honesty. I just didn't get the feeling when I saw Svend on the TV spilling crocodile tears over his ring faux pas..........

Good thing I wasn't the judge......

Bar L. said...

Hi, I wanted to email you but can't access your address. Anyhow, I saw the comment you left for Monk about the painting and was curious to ask you something...email me ok?
bll127925@yahoo.com

Thanks

paris parfait said...

Such a powerful, encouraging story of redemption and strength. Thank you for sharing it.