You know you're in trouble when you can't settle down enough to watch a mindless yet exciting hockey play-off game. I've been pacing around aimlessly all evening..........flitting from one activity to another, one chore to another and not accomplishing squat. No, I'm definately unsettled. My brain seems scrambled and wired, but my body feels heavy and slow.
I will take a page from Pip and list the 5 emotions I am feeling right now.
1. drained
2. pissed off
3. frustrated
4. growly
5.unfocused
Not an upbeat list, n'est pas? It is an honest assessment.
This morning, while enjoying my first cup of tea, I read this small piece by Henri Nouwen which has remained with me all day and is the impetus for this post......
"Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.
Quite often a difficult, painful or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too."
How I wish I had met this man. More often than not, I have read something Nouwen has written and am blown away by his insights and the timeliness of my reading/finding it.
So...........tonight I write for all of the above reasons.........and to settle the unsettled.....and perhaps to find some meaning.
I truly have a love--hate thing happening in my workplace. I love the work with clients, especially when I am on the road, which I was during the first three days of this week visiting them in their own homes...... my post on Monday was an exceptional situation. Most of my "home visits" are nothing like that.
I love counselling and meeting new people. I love helping the ones who need help, learning from them all and hearing their stories so that I can relay them onto paper to advocate on their behalf. I also love teaching and facilitating, which I don't get to do as much as I would like, but when I do have the opportunity, I am more alive and focused than in any other work activity besides counselling. It's a natural fit for me.
Unfortunately, I am working out of a poisoned environment that I can't seem to rise above. It is dysfunctional on so many human resource levels that even the air in the building seems to be tainted. Since moving over to this building to be on this new "team" (and I use the term with a sarky tone) I have tried time and again to find resolution, to find a way to make it work. Not a damn thing has worked. I hate the place. It sucks my energy and literally leaves me in a mindless disarray. I have yet to reach the level of productivity I once had before I was moved out of my original team "family." It's like I'm working on one burnt out cylinder when I enter the building. I'm firing on all cylinders when I'm on the road or engaged with the clients. I'm firing on all cylinders when I'm in front of a group facilitating. In fact, I arrived this morning freshly fired up from three days on the road, with the zippy energy to deliver a workshop during a team meeting. By noon, I was completely void of all zip..........and filled with disgust and rage.
Today, the rubber met the road. I realized I'm in a no-win situation.......
As part of my job responsibilities (which after 7 months are still being defined and clarified...........why this is taking so long is beyond my comprehension) I was first up at the unit meeting to provide my team with some insights and information on Learning Disabilities and Attention Deficit Disorders. Many of the people we work with and/or their children are diagnosed with these labels. My team, who has NEVER had ANY type of training in human relations or relationship building, had requested this topic and were keen to engage in a facilitated discussion. It was the second such opportunity for me to share some of my knowledge and to be useful to my new team. The last topic I covered was a very beginning view of what schizophrenia is. They had found it helpful, and since then they have all arrived in my office individually to ask me about a particular client they had encountered, or to talk about their own personal experiences with family members etc who have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness.
So, I'm up in front of this group of 8 people including my supervisor who is sitting in direct line of where I am standing. I begin by starting a conversation on the basics of communication.....verbal vs. non-verbal......... of how sometimes people with serious learning disabilities lack the skill to effectively read non-verbals.........that the term "learning disability" is an umbrella term which encompasses many language or numerical glitches in learning. We talk about how a person with a learning disability most often scores high on an IQ type test, unlike someone who is developmentally delayed. One of my colleagues asked many questions about Attention Deficit Disorder and whether or not someone diagnosed with that also has a learning disability. I knew he was asking from a personal perspective. Both of his sons have been diagnosed with ADD.........he shares his frustrations with the school system.
The session is going well...............I LOVE the interaction..........I can see they too are firing on different sparks...........they are making connections.........examples of encounters they have had with clients who couldn't read, or couldn't follow instructions are shared............
AND all the way through this lovely hour, our supervisor sits directly across from me with her whole body turned away. When she is sitting forward, her arms are firmly crossed and her facial expressions depict something close to disdain. She wiggled and jiggled and crossed and uncrossed her arms. She harrrumphed and hemmed and hawed........ she did her non verbal best to disrupt the flow of the session.
AND THEN.....AND THEN.....she abruptly stood up in the middle of the session and left the boardroom. The woman bolted!!
This rude and immature behaviour is not new to me. It is the type of behaviour I have been experiencing for months now. I was initially shocked by her disrespectful rudeness and the reaction from my colleagues....HER staff was immediate........."what the hell was that all about?" "What is her problem?" "I can't believe how rude she is to you."
Calmly (don't know where the calm came from because I really had the urge to follow her and choke her........I think I was comforted in knowing I hadn't dreamt it, and that others had seen her behaviour that perhaps the calm came from there) I continued with my session after I shared with them how relieved i was that they had seen it too.
Afterwards, I was livid. The list of slights, disruptions, of being ignored and treated rudely, of interuptions and lack of knowledge or interest regarding my role or the skills I can bring to the table......the fact it took this supervisor 3 months to request and read my job description and my resume.........the forgetting of sending me emails to inform me of a meeting and then showing up in my office to tell me I had been missed........the ongoing bullshit because, as my colleagues stated, I somehow threaten her..........the bad chemistry and personality clash we have both felt since the beginning......GROWS and GROWS and GROWS............!! When she is around, she is loud and obnoxious. Her laugh is a cackle that reverberates off the walls......I'm not kidding. She gives me headaches and triggers my own disgust for incompetence.
In the past 15 years, I have had ONE ONE!!! supervisor who was an effective leader, who knew how to work with people. It blows my mind the level of incompetence of management. It blows my mind that the root reason for the anchorlessness of this office I am in is the result of the misfiring of management cylinders.
Here's an absurdity......... As I was out on the road for 3 days, my supervisor along with all her flunky co-horts were taking a 3 day Management workshop delivered by the guru himself, Stephen Covey. oooooooooooooooo, that worked out well!! So, the first order of business is to disrupt your newest employee team member during a workshop in front of her colleagues. I wonder what chapter of highly effectiveness that is!! Sweet Jesus!!
So............as I tried to settle and realized I couldn't.............as I acknowledged that this situation is not going to get any better, that I am not AT ALL interested in "talking it through" or "figuring it out through some form of mediation with her" ............as I accepted the fact that this woman for whatever reason doesn't like me and I know I can't stand her.......... I realized it's time to take action. Knowing how I could very easily really mess things up if I opened my mouth and followed the venom sitting in my heart, I chose to get the hell out of the office this afternoon and contact someone who may be able to help me. At the very least, he can point me in a different direction and offer some guidance as to how to deal with this nasty situation from an HR perspective.
Tomorrow, I meet with the one and only Manager I worked with whom I have complete regard for. I am so looking forward to spilling my story..........I am so looking forward to spending time with someone who respects me and knows my talents.....who will encourage me again, and listen with care and concern. He answered my call to be rescued. Thank God, because quite honestly I have been living in the Twilight Zone and was beginning to believe it was normal.
So..........................I have spilled some reflections............I have used up some words........ I have put some linearity to my puffy eyed thinking............through the writing, I am now feeling
1. less angry
2. more drained, but in a good way. I think I can go to sleep now
3. motivated
4. hopeful
5. thankful for being able to laugh at the absurdity of life.
Henri Nouwen is right.......writing can redeem a difficult and painful day. In fact, now that I have some perspective, I can honestly state that I most definately had a better day than our friend Hugh Grant. Unlike Hugh, I just spilled the beans. I didn't toss them.
I'm now off to watch the end of the hockey game.
I will take a page from Pip and list the 5 emotions I am feeling right now.
1. drained
2. pissed off
3. frustrated
4. growly
5.unfocused
Not an upbeat list, n'est pas? It is an honest assessment.
This morning, while enjoying my first cup of tea, I read this small piece by Henri Nouwen which has remained with me all day and is the impetus for this post......
Writing to Save the Day
"Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.
Quite often a difficult, painful or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too."
How I wish I had met this man. More often than not, I have read something Nouwen has written and am blown away by his insights and the timeliness of my reading/finding it.
So...........tonight I write for all of the above reasons.........and to settle the unsettled.....and perhaps to find some meaning.
I truly have a love--hate thing happening in my workplace. I love the work with clients, especially when I am on the road, which I was during the first three days of this week visiting them in their own homes...... my post on Monday was an exceptional situation. Most of my "home visits" are nothing like that.
I love counselling and meeting new people. I love helping the ones who need help, learning from them all and hearing their stories so that I can relay them onto paper to advocate on their behalf. I also love teaching and facilitating, which I don't get to do as much as I would like, but when I do have the opportunity, I am more alive and focused than in any other work activity besides counselling. It's a natural fit for me.
Unfortunately, I am working out of a poisoned environment that I can't seem to rise above. It is dysfunctional on so many human resource levels that even the air in the building seems to be tainted. Since moving over to this building to be on this new "team" (and I use the term with a sarky tone) I have tried time and again to find resolution, to find a way to make it work. Not a damn thing has worked. I hate the place. It sucks my energy and literally leaves me in a mindless disarray. I have yet to reach the level of productivity I once had before I was moved out of my original team "family." It's like I'm working on one burnt out cylinder when I enter the building. I'm firing on all cylinders when I'm on the road or engaged with the clients. I'm firing on all cylinders when I'm in front of a group facilitating. In fact, I arrived this morning freshly fired up from three days on the road, with the zippy energy to deliver a workshop during a team meeting. By noon, I was completely void of all zip..........and filled with disgust and rage.
Today, the rubber met the road. I realized I'm in a no-win situation.......
As part of my job responsibilities (which after 7 months are still being defined and clarified...........why this is taking so long is beyond my comprehension) I was first up at the unit meeting to provide my team with some insights and information on Learning Disabilities and Attention Deficit Disorders. Many of the people we work with and/or their children are diagnosed with these labels. My team, who has NEVER had ANY type of training in human relations or relationship building, had requested this topic and were keen to engage in a facilitated discussion. It was the second such opportunity for me to share some of my knowledge and to be useful to my new team. The last topic I covered was a very beginning view of what schizophrenia is. They had found it helpful, and since then they have all arrived in my office individually to ask me about a particular client they had encountered, or to talk about their own personal experiences with family members etc who have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness.
So, I'm up in front of this group of 8 people including my supervisor who is sitting in direct line of where I am standing. I begin by starting a conversation on the basics of communication.....verbal vs. non-verbal......... of how sometimes people with serious learning disabilities lack the skill to effectively read non-verbals.........that the term "learning disability" is an umbrella term which encompasses many language or numerical glitches in learning. We talk about how a person with a learning disability most often scores high on an IQ type test, unlike someone who is developmentally delayed. One of my colleagues asked many questions about Attention Deficit Disorder and whether or not someone diagnosed with that also has a learning disability. I knew he was asking from a personal perspective. Both of his sons have been diagnosed with ADD.........he shares his frustrations with the school system.
The session is going well...............I LOVE the interaction..........I can see they too are firing on different sparks...........they are making connections.........examples of encounters they have had with clients who couldn't read, or couldn't follow instructions are shared............
AND all the way through this lovely hour, our supervisor sits directly across from me with her whole body turned away. When she is sitting forward, her arms are firmly crossed and her facial expressions depict something close to disdain. She wiggled and jiggled and crossed and uncrossed her arms. She harrrumphed and hemmed and hawed........ she did her non verbal best to disrupt the flow of the session.
AND THEN.....AND THEN.....she abruptly stood up in the middle of the session and left the boardroom. The woman bolted!!
This rude and immature behaviour is not new to me. It is the type of behaviour I have been experiencing for months now. I was initially shocked by her disrespectful rudeness and the reaction from my colleagues....HER staff was immediate........."what the hell was that all about?" "What is her problem?" "I can't believe how rude she is to you."
Calmly (don't know where the calm came from because I really had the urge to follow her and choke her........I think I was comforted in knowing I hadn't dreamt it, and that others had seen her behaviour that perhaps the calm came from there) I continued with my session after I shared with them how relieved i was that they had seen it too.
Afterwards, I was livid. The list of slights, disruptions, of being ignored and treated rudely, of interuptions and lack of knowledge or interest regarding my role or the skills I can bring to the table......the fact it took this supervisor 3 months to request and read my job description and my resume.........the forgetting of sending me emails to inform me of a meeting and then showing up in my office to tell me I had been missed........the ongoing bullshit because, as my colleagues stated, I somehow threaten her..........the bad chemistry and personality clash we have both felt since the beginning......GROWS and GROWS and GROWS............!! When she is around, she is loud and obnoxious. Her laugh is a cackle that reverberates off the walls......I'm not kidding. She gives me headaches and triggers my own disgust for incompetence.
In the past 15 years, I have had ONE ONE!!! supervisor who was an effective leader, who knew how to work with people. It blows my mind the level of incompetence of management. It blows my mind that the root reason for the anchorlessness of this office I am in is the result of the misfiring of management cylinders.
Here's an absurdity......... As I was out on the road for 3 days, my supervisor along with all her flunky co-horts were taking a 3 day Management workshop delivered by the guru himself, Stephen Covey. oooooooooooooooo, that worked out well!! So, the first order of business is to disrupt your newest employee team member during a workshop in front of her colleagues. I wonder what chapter of highly effectiveness that is!! Sweet Jesus!!
So............as I tried to settle and realized I couldn't.............as I acknowledged that this situation is not going to get any better, that I am not AT ALL interested in "talking it through" or "figuring it out through some form of mediation with her" ............as I accepted the fact that this woman for whatever reason doesn't like me and I know I can't stand her.......... I realized it's time to take action. Knowing how I could very easily really mess things up if I opened my mouth and followed the venom sitting in my heart, I chose to get the hell out of the office this afternoon and contact someone who may be able to help me. At the very least, he can point me in a different direction and offer some guidance as to how to deal with this nasty situation from an HR perspective.
Tomorrow, I meet with the one and only Manager I worked with whom I have complete regard for. I am so looking forward to spilling my story..........I am so looking forward to spending time with someone who respects me and knows my talents.....who will encourage me again, and listen with care and concern. He answered my call to be rescued. Thank God, because quite honestly I have been living in the Twilight Zone and was beginning to believe it was normal.
So..........................I have spilled some reflections............I have used up some words........ I have put some linearity to my puffy eyed thinking............through the writing, I am now feeling
1. less angry
2. more drained, but in a good way. I think I can go to sleep now
3. motivated
4. hopeful
5. thankful for being able to laugh at the absurdity of life.
Henri Nouwen is right.......writing can redeem a difficult and painful day. In fact, now that I have some perspective, I can honestly state that I most definately had a better day than our friend Hugh Grant. Unlike Hugh, I just spilled the beans. I didn't toss them.
I'm now off to watch the end of the hockey game.
14 comments:
Hey, how is your blood pressure? Sounds like you are on the verge of blowing a gasket. If you have not had it checked recently, just drop in at a pharmacy and check yourself on the do it yourself machine.
As for your situation, it gives me an impression that part of the problem of kids being abused even to the point of death is due to management styles like that of your supervisor.
Hey Canuckguy.....my blood pressure? Funny you should ask....I was wondering that myself yesterday. However, I think writing it out and the fact that I have the beginning of a new gameplan in place for today helped lower it. i'm ready to kick ass. I've had enough.
wish me luck!
Break a leg!!!!
Thanks Shasta Daisy! Good to know you're out there. You've been busy?
Last night, after i posted this (and truly did feel better afterwards,) I checked my email and found two "thinking of you" notes from fellow Kawabians whom I hadn't heard from in ages and who had no idea how my day had unfolded.
One sent me this story.....
called "The Living Bible"
His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans, and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college.
He is brilliant. Kind of profound and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college.
Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students but are not sure how to go about it.
One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat.
The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.
Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet.
By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.
About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill.
Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do.
How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor?
It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy.
The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do.
And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill and worships with him so he won't be alone.
Everyone chokes up with emotion.
When the minister gains control, he says, "What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget."
"Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people will ever read!"
I asked the Lord to bless you
As I prayed for you today.
To guide you and protect you
As you go along your way....
His love is always with you,
His promises are true,
And when we give Him all our cares,
You know He will see us through.
It was from the lovely and beautiful Frye..... I replied write away and told her how timely her message was and that I felt her sitting right beside me.
I LOVE the connections and reconnections brought forward by technology....... !!
My God D!!! I can't believe it! What a horrible situation you are facing right now. I've been there and, in fact, that is why I am now in my new job and not my old one. People who feel threatened act in such luddicrous ways that are completely unprofessional. Getting up and leaving the meeting the way she did and acting in the manner in which she did while gracing your presence during the meeting should be grounds for being fired. Why do managers feel it is okay to treat an employee like a bag of crap? Without employees there would be no managers. I am absolutely certain that someone in a leadership role should portray leadership qualities at all times. She was unprofessional and is not in the right line of work. That seems to be an often occurence in the government...damn unions make it impossible to hire the right employee. They are forced to hire like an assembly line.
I am a big fan of writing to save the day - or even writing to save your life. Seriously, it works. As for that woman - you're a better woman than I. I would have had trouble keeping my mouth closed, after that, even though it takes a lot to push my buttons enough to make me speak out in a meeting like that. But I have complete confidence that you, Dana will do the right thing and find a solution. xo
sunny.......this one came from the outer reaches......she was not a gov't employee before. thanks for the support.
We need to connect. Now that you're up on another floor, away from my path, I never see you. I hope you're enjoying your new job. Email next week and we'll go for a walk at lunch.
Oh, Tara.......I have blurted out many times!! What I have tried to do since this has all started is to get out of the building before my mouth takes over.
thank you for the vote of confidence. I do hope I can find a solution, as I do feel I am at a tipping point and need to make some changes. It's just that this place is SO small and the options are very limited. I can't just leave and go home and try again.....I have to continue working while figuring it out......
I do feel like i have some momentum again, though honestly???? It sure would be nice to feel settled somewhere. I havent felt that feeling since we moved here 20 years ago.......... I'm always looking.
Hi Muskie,
Yes - very busy these days. The farm is just starting to wake up so we will be working long hours for some time.
What a wonderful story from Frye. All the way through, I found myself humming "I love my shirt", "I love my jeans". "I love my hair" which have nothing to do with it but.....I still hummed it all the way through.
I don't really know Frye - saw her at the reunion though and saw her handsome pictures on the Kawabi website.
I've been reading everything you post. I haven't responded too much lately, but - you get so much love and great feedback from so many neat people that sometimes I just kinda sit back and feed off it too!
I am missing forest, tents, beach and dew line - folk songs, pb&j's and canoes just a bit more than usual these days.
Canuckguy also asked me, along with his pal Balby (whose true identity I now know, including his name, pictures of him and place of employ, etc... heh!) about my blood pressure.
Boy, that was one loooong rant about your professional life, Awar. I could go on and on and on about mine, but, nah... too bizarre to be believed (I work for Liberals, you see, and they actually demonstrate the basic qualities to which I attribute their brethren... every day!). But after years of successfully adapting to and working for these guys, I'm ready for anything... anything at all. It couldn't get more challenging than this!
Perhaps I'll get appointed as the next federal Environment Minister... seems the monkeylike Opposition and the MSM are obsessed with throwing their poop at whoever's in the post... think I can top the very capable John Baird in dealing with the moonbats? I'd have had fun dealing with the Fruit Fly Guy who ambushed Baird today to crap all over him...
Who wants to bet Suzuki's going to run for the Liberals someday? The guy's acting like he's a Liberal pitbull... did Citoyenne Stephanie De-Yawn put him up to that?
I'm disappointed in Dr. Suzuki. As a wee lad, he was my idol; made me wanna be a scientist. Now he's blinded by dogma and cannot bring himself to entertain any doubt whatsoever, either internally or from anyone who asks questions he doesn't like. He's gone from scientist to political activist. Next thing you know, he's going to be marching down the street naked, screaming epithets about the prime minister... you know, as an old feller who's kept in shape, he likes to show off his bareass... like a typical moonbat!
BTW, who's this "Pip"? I don't suppose it's a woman who lives in the boonies just outside Hampton? Gotta ask, as there ain't too many Pips to go around...
'Course, it could be Pip from Great Expectations... that's the only other Pip I've ever heard of...
Oh, I just read this post and my blood boiled for you. I hope the talk with the manager was helpful.
Shasta.......my garden is much smaller than your farm, but it too is beginning to come alive. I have planted new double shasta daisies inside and they are THRIVING...and will be replanted outdoors in a couple of weeks. I would love to see your farm.....one day.......on our way thru we will surprise you.
I love to hear from you...... I too am beginning to feel the pull of Big Hawk Lake.......the songs are re-introducing themselves....and I too love my jeans.......they are always comfortably lovely.....
Frye was a camper of mine for a couple of years and then during my last year on staff, she and I were a TEAM! She's one of "my girls"....like Sprigg, Bynx, Zoe, Eeno, Tazz, spunki...and several others......they were ALL my campers during the many years I had the honour to lead the senior camper group...EVEN DUFF...one of the major highlights of the reunion last May was to see SO many of them all grown up.........all beautiful and thriving........all doing amazing things with their lives.
the comments I receive are so affirming.....
yes, I'm with you......canoes, campfires, dew line, and even the heavy duty work crew work I'm missing.......
the other Kawabi kindred? I will be chatting tomorrow with... I think he may be busy these days running his own camp.
Hey Sentinel Guy......you crack me up! Yes, it was a long rant, but boy it sure helped. I was able to go into work today and get some work done because I had cleared my head. as you know, writing is good therapy.
Don't know what political affiliation my colleagues are or the bigwiggies....... it's such a no no to discuss it that it's beyond ridiculous.......
Pip? I must get my links up. Pip is a wonderful soul who lives and loves and works in the UK. He has quickly become and inspiration and a friend......a friendly inspiration. We are destined to meet one day as we both work in the same field and our meeting is meant to be.
I walk a mile everyday with Pip through his words and his music and his glorious pictures of the people he meets along the way.
perhaps his mom liked Dickens and named him after the character.
Tori........the talk went very well. It always does with him. And, it will work out.....I just have to keep faith and keep taking steps forward.
cheers everyone.
Now that you've spilled the beans, does that mean that next, you'll let the cat out of the bag?
Hee-hee! :)
hmmmmmm and what cat would that be? Could it be the cat bag confessing i'm a 6'7" barrel chested man who lifts weights, likes to duck hunt and publishes rude limericks?
Or.....the one where I admit I'm a lover of Nascar, and smokey honky tonk bars?
Or how about.....I'm really a famous forgotten flamenco dancer trapped in a cellar, whose only outlet to the world is through blogland?
Oh.......so many kitties.....so many bags! :)
I'll never tell Sentinel Guy. My lips are sealed. The cat remains in the bag. :)
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