sweet spot

After determined muscle limbering of their legs, torsos and arms, they take their place to begin the warm up together. Just a game of tossing the ball.  The pitcher, approaches the mound, settles his feet into the comfort of his stance, and waits to wind up.  Not with heat.  Not yet.  It begins with a slow melodic tossing to his partner as they find their groove.

The catcher squats down into her position, her right hand inside the supple worn leather glove.  Balanced in the comfort of her body, she lifts her arm straight out to prepare for receiving the pitch. The warm up begins.  Back and forth in a rhythm they have created together.... he pitches, she receives and tosses the ball back to the mound.

throwing and catching

throwing and catching

rhythmic resonance

back and forth

warming up

sometimes in silence

sometimes words of encouragement enlighten

back and forth

throwing and catching.....

sometimes

touching upon the sweet spot of the glove....

every now and then....

until it becomes more frequent

rhythm found within a sense of knowing

their complementary movement.

Again and again, it flows as they communicate with body language... signals, words, advice, compliments.....  Away from the rest, they pick up the speed.  He begins to practise various pitches.  Change up, Slider, Forkball, Knuckleball, are interspersed with his signature Fastball. Sweet spot.

The push and pull of power between the pitcher and the catcher continues until they relent a little. Both have strengths to use in the role they play.  An appreciation of each other's gifts moves the partnership into a different zone.  They know that in order to reach that zone.... where the fluidity of their efforts reach mastery,  they must use their physical and emotional gifts.  Caring focus.  Trust in one another.  It happens when care meshes with effort, when confidence meets up with vulnerability.

throwing and catching

throwing and catching....

care meshing with effort....

trust in one another....

complementing oneness

Confidence in their own skin,  in what they bring to the partnership is crucial. Respect and appreciation for the other's gifts is key in order to reach a place of equality. Taking turns leading while encouraging the other to reveal their best allows for the confidence to push the effort beyond any sense of work into a forum of limbered play.  It's the revealing that leads to stripped down vulnerability, when they show each other the raw rough edges of themselves.... It's never perfect.  If it was perfect, there would be nothing to strive for... nothing to motivate, explore, work/play towards.  

What it is, this game of tossing the ball is a deepening of a partnership with the same goal in mind.  To touch upon the sweet spot with heat.  At the right moment.

Out beyond the bubble of timelessness they have formed, a voice calls out............ Play ball!

a week of good energy......

A few weeks ago, I had my tea leaves read.  It was a spontaneous reading one night when I showed up at my friend's house up the hill from me in need of some TLC and a glass or two of wine.  My friend, who has been an unconditionally loving angel to me, whose taken me under her wing and returned me to church..........this lost waif....... and has dried my tears on several occasions this spring, made me dinner, and poured the wine once again and let me talk. 

Her Mom, Joyce was there........ a beautiful woman in her 80's whom I've always had a strong bond with.  She reads tea leaves, tarot cards, and numerology.  So, on the spur of the moment, I told her I was in need of a reading.....I wanted to know what was in my future.    Before i knew it, I was sipping on tea wondering what the leaves would reveal.

Even though Joyce was aware of the turmoil happening in my life, when she does a reading, she goes so fast and is so minutely thorough that there is no way she is reflecting back on any information she is already aware of.  It's hard to explain.  Suffice to say, she gets into the tea leaf reading zone.

There is a process to this.  The tea is made with loose leaves.  You must drink it all and try not to leave any liquid behind.  Once you've consumed it, you turn the tea cup upside down on a plate and turn the cup around three times.  Joyce then lifts the cup up and turns it right side up.  Whatever liquid and leaves are left on the plate signify tears and issues that need to be resolved. She then promptly begins to describe what she is "seeing..." both on the plate and in the tea cup in detail that simply blows the mind.  What a gift she has.  It is so cool.

Of course there are general statements, but what always gets me pulled into the otherworldly aspect of anything psychic like this are the seemingly small points she mentions....... and the things that are repetitive in the read.  This time through, she kept going back to information about my daughter..... how she is handling her parent's marriage break up, how her year will unfold, how she will resolve her conflictual feelings etc.  I have no doubt Joyce's description with all the small details will be the structure of my daughter will come to resolution about her new life.  In fact, many of the details have happened...... obvious through a few recent conversations with her.  Uncanny.

Joyce described my summer, highlighting a few important events........ people I will meet, trips I may take......... she told me I will be spending time in Nova Scotia, which at the time seemed completely out of the question because I had no intention of visiting my beloved Spencer's Island this summer.  It would be too painful and the whole area is ancestrally connected to my ex-husband's side of the family.  Now that is a strong possibility as well as a few other opportunities to go exploring that province.  Weird.

She also described how this summer will be an awakening for me.......... transformational as well as healing.  That sounds pretty general, but the details she provided narrowed it down to key connections I will make and what they mean in the greater scheme of things. I could feel this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach that was replacing the standard dread I had been having for breakfast every morning for two months.... excitement....??  maybe....

As Joyce continued with her predictions, I jotted them down..........asked questions for clarification and generally got into the whole thing.

Out of the 15 or so predictions she made, 6 have already occured.  2 of them happened the day after the reading.......  The other 4 have made their presence known just in the past week alone.

Its not that I am manipulating anything.  I havent gone out of my way to make them up as I go.  They just seem to be showing up...... on cue!  Its funny, I have been so busy juggling many tasks, wearing many hats that I havent kept the details of Joyce's reading in my head.  But, when one happens, BADABING!  A light bulb goes on.  I remember her predictions and it stops me in my tracks laughing.

An awakening this summer?  Summer started early.  So did the awakening.  It began with a re-emergence of  faith, and continued to travel down a new footpath which has brought people connection surprises I didn't expect and opportunities I had no inkling would be in my destiny.  Some of these surprises have occured because I found the guts to stick my neck out........ to accept an invitation when I may have in the past excused myself and not gone.

Sometimes it has happened because I let go of regular time restraints and allowed a friendship I always knew was there for the blossoming to be fed by some conversational fun.....good sharing stuff.  Sometimes it happened because I said no instead of yes, or I said yes instead of no.  Some of it is happening because I am reflecting on what it is that I want and how am I going to make it happen?  What is important in my life right now? And if a strange and beautiful invitation arrives at my door, do I embrace it or do I hide away and protect myself from any more hurt?

Now that summer has officially arrived.......school is out.......College graduation was celebrated tonight.......... I told a friend today that I am awake for the first time in 10 years.  And as soon as the statement left me......a little light went on!  BadaBING!  

It has been a week of good energy.  Good energy.  Not the kind of energy I expected.  It's not the zippy kind......... its the "I'm alive" kind.   Good thing I have my new sexy party dress on.  Gotta be prepared for the dance.  Maybe even a dance across the waters..... 

interim .....

get over it
get on with it.
you've got to move on......

not that i particularly enjoy sitting in the field during the interim, i know there is a purpose.  to reach a place where bitterness is left behind, where unanswered questions can be laid to rest, where some answers can be discovered, i have to restlessly remain in a place between "back there and over there...."

sure, i'd love to know the secret timeline for "getting over it....."  does anyone know? 
what are the rules to this process?  OH!  It's an individual thing...... nice.   this isn't a good answer for a chronic perambulating thinker. 

I wish there were times when I could just stop the incessant thinking.  But, that's an impossibility, and absurd in my case.  prayer helps this.... will do more of that. 

just remember..........God provides minimum protection and maximum support.......

yes, yes.......... He's there in that field.... holding me as I face the elements. He's in the ground below where I sit, offering me a pretty fantastic view.....360 degrees, past, present and future.  He keeps reminding me to...

Sit, go slow, walk to clear your head, write to let the feelings and pent up words out, to connect with others,  to do things,  to push outside of the comfort zone often,  to talk it out........ to pray.  He keeps showing up in the most interesting places with a smile and a listening ear.  He lets me be.  He lets me be.  Unprotected but supported. 

I'm learning...... when I think of what I've learned in just a short month, I smile.  I'm smiling.

grief knows no boundaries.  sure there are certain rules of decorum.  i mean you can't prostrate yourself in the middle of a busy intersection without someone calling for the straight jacket.  people grow weary quickly if you carry on too openly with your vitriolic woe is me schtick.  on the other hand, they look at you with judgemental eyes if move too quickly too.  so, what are the rules?  what is the timeline? 

I can only be myself.  But, that didn't work did it?  I was who I am and was rejected. 
Still, I will be myself.
I am who I am.
I can change....... his perceptions of me seem so clearly wrong.  I can't change that.

i have few answers to the questions which bore deep inside me, and this isn't going to change. the answers are not forthcoming and will never be.   i can only twist myself into a pretzel trying to fill in the blanks, trying to face down my own part in the dance that ended.  the sorries have no depth, no meat to them.  things happen, i am told.  i didn't mean it to.  

no that was a choice i say.....a hurting one. a deeply sorrowful hurting one.

it makes me want to lash out.  sometimes i do.  most times i try my best to let it go.  it was not my choice. my choices have come after the dance ended.  the dance has ended. 

we danced so beautifully together..........lively and free......

yeah, we have choices and can choose bravery over weak-kneed escapes. 
the choices reverberate like a clanging gong...........inside me sometimes. 
other times, the gong settles..........
and i know the answers will not be forthcoming.
my apologies to myself and others do.
and soon forgiveness?
i tried.  not good enough it seems.  but i tried.

i'm in the iterim field of lonely still, but i do see that i've moved a speck to the left.  forgiveness is where i am.  forgiveness is where the lifting of the spirit resides.  breathing helps.  breathing is where i am. today.

did you know that the word spirit comes from the word breath?  did you know that the holy spirit is a feminine entity?  as a woman, I will breathe life back into my feminine soul........ like i did with my children.  they came from my breath. 

renewal begins in the spring.....in a field of interim.  I am breathing, filling my lungs the best i can.  my wings are evolving.   eventually a new dance will arise......

Let's see what today brings......... :)

poker face....nah!

Is there really such a thing as a neutral facial expression?  Is it possible to hide all of our emotions from another person?  If all it takes is one little cheek flutter, one speck of a face tic, one blink longer than the other, a lick of the lips, a downturned look, a quickening flush of colour.........just one of those finger on the nose movements to communicate that something is afoot, how can anyone boast about having a poker face? 

Stare into the eyes of another a little longer than you usually do, and the game is on to figure out the thoughts of another.  What are trying to convey?  Interest? Sexual desire? Are you trying to intimidate the other person?  If you turn them away too quickly, are you hiding something? Feeling uncomfortable? Lying? Or are you just taking a break and thinking about a response?

More times than not, we aren't even aware of our own message projections.  They become so much of our pattern of communicating, they spill out unthinkingly.  When was the last time you consciously thought about the messages you inadvertently passed on?  When was the last time you read the person's face talk and got it completely right??? 

The human interaction game has some rules, but retains a sense of puzzling mystery........ enough to keep us interested in playing because we all hold different cards based on our comfort level, our personalities, our skills and gifts.  It is fraught with underlying motives, layered in with a level of attraction,  repressed feelings, thoughts and past experiences.  Wounds from broken down attempts at connecting with another play a part too.  As do our past successes in smoothly going where no one else has penetrated before. 

Some people exude a sense of confidence, an attractiveness which acts like a magnet, pulling others into their space.  Do you know anyone like that?  Are you like that?? Charisma.  Energy. An alluring smile.  They are masters at the game of human interaction, moving from a flirtatious coyness to a determined yet friendly approach that can make someone else feel like they're the only person in the world that matters right then and there!  Fascinating!  Where do they learn this skill?  Is it an inherent thing, or do we learn through modelling and observing other's expressions as children?? Not one word need to be spoken, and yet the energy emanating between two people radiates with such an aura that it seems to be in colour.  

According to Eric Berne, the Transactual Analysis guru,  "games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away...." The game of interaction holds many rules.....but it comes down to how close you want to be with another, and how close they want to be with you.  Sometimes it is a cat and mouse game...... I'm OK, You're Not OK.......  Sometimes it can be a mouse and cat game ..... I'm not OK, You're OK.  Sometimes the energy between two people is so repelling or perhaps the opposite, so electric that its too frightening to contemplate intimacy, and it turns into two bears vying for the same cave... I'm not OK, You're not OK.   

Ah, but then there are times when two people, under the right circumstances, in the right moodlight, with the right chemistry and with the ability to read the facial expressions, the body language, the intentions behind the game that they drop the pretences, relax and move into a place of spiritual intimacy that can only be considered a perfect match.  No more games......... Just an I'm OK, You're OK checkmate.  It's lovely when that happens........... 

Today's writing prompt from Sunday Scribblings is "games."  Though I do love a good game of cribbage, and have been known get all heated over a game of scrabble.......... the human race game is the one I prefer to play.  For more game playing interpretations, check out Sunday Scribblings.....

all my life's a circle..........

In the chilly hours and minutes,
Of uncertainty, I want to be,
In the warm hold of your loving mind.

To feel you all around me,
And to take your hand, along the sand,
Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind.
Donovan.....

The candles are burning bright tonight in my home as I write this. Lily, our trusty pooch, is monitoring the front lawn through the window looking for little trick or treaters carrying big goodie loot bags, all excited to be out in the dark on this blustery Halloween Eve. There is a combined sense of fright and delight.

I love Halloween. It truly does bring the neighbourhood together in a different way than on any other day of the year. Little Emma down the street, who is almost 4 years old (how did that happen??!) looked so adorable in her flowy pink wizard costume. Of course, Lily had to be the first greeter as she ploughed past me as I opened the door........... her tail wagging, a smile on her face. When we opened the door to Emma, it was a reunion between friends. I heard this tiny little voice exclaim.......... "Happy Halloween Lily!" Then, a big yawn came from the worn out wizardess, and a polite thank you without any prompting. :) So grown up!

Tonight, I'm have the house to myself. I chose to stay behind to hand out the Halloween candy. I'm too wiped out and physically feeling a bit off kilter. To combat a sense of weariness, I've lit dozens of candles and put on a CD chock full of the songs I love to listen to when I am in need of rejuvenation. It feels like a multi-sensory haven which has generated a sense of grounding and a lovely feeling of nostalgia wafting all around me. It's exactly where I want to be, reflectively soaking it all up.

Every single song that has played tonight has conjured up a photo album of beautiful faces, heart held memories ............... stuff that dreams are made of .... Within the tunes, I can hear intimate conversations, envision late night guitar picking, picture smiles and tears, reunions and shared walks. I remember boisterous campfires, spirit moving canoe paddles, nights laying on a floating dock looking up at a sky so full of stars. Close enough to wrap your hands around them. And then there were the nights when the northern lights danced up from the horizon. Oh my God, they are sight to behold.

It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's the slow and steady fire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of
It's your heart and soul's desire
It's the stuff that dreams are made of.... (Carly Simon)

Connections to past and present feed an internal flame that propels me onto to the adventure ahead..... wherever that may lead, whatever it offers. While the music plays on, I fall into a place deep inside... where the ME in me is most authentic. To label it with feelings? A profound sense of gladness.

My gladness, however, is steeped in multiple layers of feelings, softened by a cotton gauze over the lens with which I view it. Tears spring forward, smiles too as I realize how much time has already marched on in my life and how FULL it has been thus far. I bring forth the living spirits of the people who continue to touch me .... the ones in particular who are far away in physical distance, but never ever far from my grateful heart. I kiss them all tonight. I kiss them all......

When rain has hung the leaves with tears,
I want you near, to kill my fears
To help me to leave all my blues behind.

For standin' in your heart,
Is where I want to be, and I long to be,
Ah, but I may as well, try and catch the wind.
(Donovan)

As the outside winds send welcoming gusts from the past summers in blustery autumn billows, I sit here surrounded by the wafting scents of candles and wonder what makes their flames flicker and dance in unison? I think I know.

I 'm not alone in this ultimate adventure called life. Let the music play on.....

It seems like I've been here before;
I can't remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we'll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life;
And all my thoughts have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.

All my life's a circle;
But I can't tell you why;
Season's spinning round again;
The years keep rollin' by.

Harry, keep the change, Chapin.

This week's Sunday Scribblings prompt is adventure. Mine is enhanced daily by my friends and family.... the beautiful people whose spiritual presence always make the candlelight flicker and dance and bring meaning to the music that touches my soul.

"Prayer does not use up artificial energy, doesn't burn up any fossil fuel, doesn't pollute. Neither does song, neither does love, neither does the dance." Margaret Mead....

even if you...
stumble in your prayers,
sing off key,
find that love can hurt
or step on your dance partner's toes
you're still living
an environmentally friendly existence.
Go Green.

love and music

love always has a personalized soundtrack which heightens the thin air intimacy felt in the pinnacle of its beauty.

music feeds the efflorescence of romance by enhancing emotions with tripping heartbeats.

a shared song stops a moment in time.

it is the static woven in the electricity of two.

it paints love with soft sensual strokes of tenderness.

its melody threads desire with the dance.

and, as the years go by, one song can embrace shared nostalgic joy like nothing else can.

can love ever be without the accompanied seductive harmony?

on this, the day of all things lovely.......i wonder which songs are on your love playlist?

which song seduces the sparkling romantic in you?

what do you consider to be the greatest love song?

xo

simple gifts

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free.'

Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be.

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,'

Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained,

bow and to bend

we shall not be ashamed.

To turn, turn will be our delight,'

Till by turning, turning

we come round right

'Tis the gift to be loved and that love to return,
'Tis the gift to be taught and a richer gift to learn,,
And when we expect of others what we try to live each day,
Then we'll all live together and we'll all learn to say,

'Tis the gift to have friends and a true friend to be,
'Tis the gift to think of others not to only think of "me",
And when we hear what others really think and really feel,
Then we'll all live together with a love that is real.

When true simplicity is gained,
bow and to bend
we shall not be ashamed.
To turn, turn will be our delight,'
Till by turning, turning
we come round right

This is a beautiful hymn written by Joseph Brackett an Elder in the Shaker community of Alfred, Maine. When I heard it played during the inauguration, I automatically thought it was Lord of the Dance, one of my favourite chapel songs, because they both have the same tune. A friend of mine who came over to watch the ceremony with us explained that it is the hymn she sings at the end of every Quaker meeting on Sundays....Simple Gifts.

Today, I heard another version of this beautiful hymn which left me almost breathless. It was like the air all of a sudden turned thin with magic as time vacated leaving a scent of fresh pine and spring water. At the time when it was played, I was in a mad rush and was surrounded by mad disarraying thoughts. It brought me to a full stop appreciation of the empowerment of a hymn....

The hymns which touch a chord in us that hasn't been plucked in a while offer us a simple gift of our lives affirmed. They have the ability to make our dry eyes well up in fountains of tears. They soften even the hardest of outer shells. Hymns open our eyes to see the beauty in a moment of reflection which often is tucked in the middle of chaos. They can halt the immediacy of a crisis, can tear down the defences of an enemy, can hold out it's harmony in trucefull honesty, can express the indescribable, can bring people into a gathering place of peace Hymns can make you believe in the unbelievable.

No matter wherever you are or however busy you happen to be, please take a moment to enjoy this meditatively brilliant version of Simple Gifts. I think you'll agree with me. It's a gem.

the pursuit of happiness and meaning

oooh, looks like Christmas arrived as planned. it was a wonderful day. I got meeself a new book and oh, yeah an engagement ring from my husband.

"Each person has his secret and mystery, his particular journey, his vocation to grow. Certainly, many people never achieve full maturity, but each can make a little progress toward establishing his identity and becoming open to others. The important thing is not that we should acheive human perfection -- far from it -- but that we should set out on the road toward it through acts of openness and love, kindness and communion. Every person today, in whatever situation he finds himself, in his home or at work, can perform such acts. "

Jean Vanier, Essential Writings, One Heart at a Time.

We are all born with potential. My potential may look very different and feel very different than yours because we all have own our uniqueness. What we share and what we have some empowerment over, are the conscious choices we make as human beings. Who we become is based on the values we want to live by, the friends we choose to connect with, the vocation we choose to stretch ourselves in, where we establish our foundational roots and whether or not we choose to accept the responsibility of playing a role in the life of community. These are based in reality, not in a life cupped by illusionary dreams.

We strive. We strive to accept ourselves for who we are and for who we are becoming. Its tough to remain open and honest with secrets tucked underneath the blemished freckled skin that encases us. Its not an easy thing to love ourselves, warts and all. We want to eradicate the freckles, lose the wrinkles, hide the grey hair, get rid of the lumps and bumps. We spend precious time waxing and plucking and shaping our outer skin as a means of avoiding a good long look at our secrets. And if we don't take a peak at those, we also don't learn about our hidden abilities either, nor do we recognize the hurts tucked away in a fault. The problem with this approach to life is that if we choose not to wrestle with the serious frightening side of who we are, we forfeit the opportunity to learn about our gifts. If you've never allowed yourself a chance to create something from your own canvas, how will you ever know the kind of artist you are becoming?

What a waste of a lifetime to be constantly resculpting the outer shell......wearing masks to avoid taking a good look. Our capacity to grow deepens if we become more honest with ourselves because it is then when we can be open to accepting those around us.

In his always inspirational words, Jean Vanier writes......."the dangerous thing for human beings is to want to be other than who they are, to want to be someone else, or even to want to be God. We need to be ourselves with our gifts and abilities, our capacity for communion and co-operation. This is the way to be happy."

So often we shrink away from sharing who we really are for fear of being rejected or feeling insignificant. These are fears we bring forward in our own psyche......from past experiences of being unloved, neglected, abused, treated poorly. We may have been bullied. People may say mean things to us over and over to a point where we begin to believe the words, the descriptions of who we are. If this wound is left to fester inside hidden behind a mask which covers up our true selves, it impacts every single choice we make with respect to our relationships…..it impacts our actions and reactions. It tackles our very own ability to think and feel effectively.

I have a few friends whom I am completely at ease being myself with and I hope they feel the same with me. One lovely friend told me that nothing I shared would scare him away and am happy to report ….. so far so good. At times he calls me crazy, but I know it’s done with a tender endearment. I have been able to be more reflectively honest in this friendship because I was given carte blanche. The gift is freedom.

I also have friends who are uncomfortable with my honesty and I try to hold back. When they ask me about my work or how I’m feeling they only want staid and pat answers……..nothing which would warrant discomfort. I'm usually fine with that, though it saddens me that I can't fully be myself and more importantly I will never know them except as surface dwellers. Their choice. Not mine.

There is nothing more affirming that to be accepted as the hairy, lumpy bumpy freckled beasts we are because it allows us to carry our secrets, our uniqueness with a sense of acceptance and belonging. It also feeds our curiosity to ask others to share with us.

If we are ever going to make the much needed shift in this world…..to work towards a semblance of solidarity instead of a competitive judgemental hierarchy where winning is always the goal; if we are ever going to recognize the fundamental sameness of all…..vulnerable human beings, needful of love and acceptance…..we must begin by looking at our own mysteries, not simply as regrets, but as gifts of learning. Golden gifts to mine….and to share.

Much of life is predetermined……how we share it and whom we share it with isn’t.

A photo of my friend Joey who sells her homemade Thai food at the market from spring to late fall. This year, despite her strong aversion to the cold Canadian winters, Joey decided to bundle up during the month of December to sell her spring rolls, wontons, thai noodles and wonderful sweet potato crisps every Saturday morning. Why? Well, she could use the money herself being a lifelong student constantly striving for more academic food. But, her true philosophy is that she can live frugally and be happy doing so. No, the money she earned went to personal items for the men and women at the shelters, and to a children's charity that is close to her heart.

Two weeks from now, Joey heads home to Thailand to see her family and to continue planning her calling....to help women in her country strive to pull themselves out of poverty. She is a lively feisty beautiful woman and we've shared many secrets over the past couple of years. I admire her completely.

Happy New Year Joey. See you when the crocuses begin to peak through the snow in spring.

I dare you...........

Express a new idea, write something deliciously unique, create a piece of art never seen before, dance like no one else......arms flinging and body gyrating while spinning and spinning, formulate a thesis that daringly asks a question many believe can't be answered, challenge the status quo, stretch out the boundaries of acceptability and you've entered into the realm of the scandalous.

Step out of the norm into the wilderness of the unknown, question society's common beliefs, march into a place of worship wearing a gypsy costume..........DANCE down the aisle and sit right up at the front with the family who has ALWAYS sat in that particular pew for generations. Sing the hymn from your heart boldly, shake everyone's hands and tell them they are all BEAUTIFUL. Wish them a glorious day...... Scandalous stuff!! Why? Because this behaviour is chaotically unpredictable, unexpected and it makes discomfort wake up.

JUMP out of your routine. Wear red. Did you know that research has shown that men are more attracted to a woman who wears red? It's true! I know that when I wear my shiny red rainboots with my powersuit, businessmen in their powersuits stop, stare and smile............AT MY FEET! So, what do i do? I make them TAP, TAP...... while I exclaim...."I DO have cute feet, don't I??? These boots make them smile!" After that, I often hear them mumble something that sounds like.........."she's bonkers........yeah, scandalous really......."

I love being scandalous......not really rudely or terribly disruptive, just a bit eccentrically. I love throwing a little extra spice into the savoury stew of life........love shaking things up, just a bit.....saying something a tad outrageous in the middle of a counselling session when the timing is right or when i'm teaching a class. It perks up the interaction, spreads some humour, takes someone out of their head when they need to get out of there for a breather. CRAZY? Why the hell not?

I have been known to make a very good analogy between what it feels like to wear a bra for the first time and learning how to apply a counselling technique to a mixed group I was teaching at the University. After a while, you don't feel the bra anymore.....after a while, counselling becomes second nature. See?

The women all nodded in complete understanding.......the men?? Some of them nodded, which of course made me wonder if they were secretly wearing a push up under their hoodies........no, I didn't ask...........just thought my own scandalous thoughts....... BUT, most of the guys in the class looked shocked and a bit dumbfounded.....possibly wondering who the hell it was that would hire a kook like me to teach crisis counselling....?? Then, I changed the analogy from a bra to a athletic protective cup and jock strap.......and they began to nod. Hmmmm.....now I'm wondering if they were wondering how i knew how uncomfortable a piece of rounded plastic protecting one's jewels feels like....??hmmmmm.......

Remember that scandalous craze called streaking in the 70's? Men and women impulsively stripped down to their bare essentials and dashed through crowded rooms, jumping and bouncing and flailing their netherbits like rogues gone wild. Hilariously daringly scandalous at the time, and people loved it. Well, probably not the anal retentive Bible thumper types who succumb to the vapors when the very idea of swaying ones hips is suggested. The whole wide world is scandalous in their eyes.........I mean if Tele-tubbie Tinky Winky, you know the one with the purse, can cause such a hocus-pocus ruckus because of the PURSE, well pale nakedness flying through a cafeteria would send them into a hyperventilating tailspin!

There is a juicy streaking story in my family, which at the time was really considered crossing the line of decorum. My father in law, known to all who loved him as Buzzie, was once in the Ontario cabinet in the high profile position of Solicitor General. Though he was known to be a bit of a rabel rouser and he always enjoyed a good joke, this time he was only in the dark on this one until the incident played out. Then, he heard about it. Turns out, he passed on the "government" Leafs tickets for a particular game to his adoring daughter, who in turn passed the ice level tickets onto a friend. The friend who had many outstanding debts and no money to pay them off decided he would set up the ulitmate bet..........he bet all the folks he owed money to that he could somehow manage to get onto the ice at Maple Leaf Gardens and run naked across the blue lines. SURE!

So, on the night of the game, buddy fella donned a one piece mechanics work coverall and headed off to the game.....at some point during a lull in the action, he unzipped, stripped and JUMPED over the boards an onto the ice..............slipping and sliding and hoping not to get too close to an errant skate blade........pumping his fists in the air! BETS all paid off!! oooooweeee! Of course, the sleepy sports writers (this was in the dark blue period of the Leafs history where they couldn't score if their lives depended on it, so there was very little to write about) scribbled the story and scrambled to find out just who owned the season's tickets! Oooops! The Government of Ontario.....thank you very much. Poor Buzzie was left with some 'splaining to do.

I'm sure it was really really embarrassing and very scandalous at the time. I wasn't part of the family then, so I don't know the intensity of the rage right after the incident. But, what I do know is that it has become one of the most cherished and funny stories to come out of the Buzzie's political years.

Funny, the more I think about the whole idea of this type of scandalous activity.....where no one is hurt......where morality is tickled, not stomped on, the more I feel that we don't pinpoint what is really wickedly wrong. A determined life inside a bubble and not breathing anything but stale air filled with old ideas is where i think the scandal lies..... yes, what is scandalous is living a life where discomfort is dismissed.

The prompt this week for Sunday Scribblings is scandalous.........the word just hisses off the tongue doesn't it? For more interpretations, check out their blog......right Here.

creativity

In your light

I learn how to love.

In your beauty, how to make poems.

You dance inside my chest,

where no one sees you,

but sometimes I do,

and that sight

becomes this art.

Rumi

Have you ever experienced the iridescent flow of creativity when the act of expression seems to come from the movement of an internal dance? The feeling is one of an alignment to a fresh air thinness, where freedom captures you in its magic. Sometimes we try so hard to be creative or to stretch our imaginations. Sometimes it even feels like mind zapping work because our energy to find that heartdance tangles in the tango of yearning.

There is a cross stitch step we often trip over in our desire to create. The wanting overpowers the action. Personal expectations and self-judgement blur the motion of doing, and of finding His dance of life hidden within us. We want to perform, paint, play out, poetize and as seekers of perfection, we lose sight of His gift of beauty and light where the soft murmuring passion quietly settles.

Perfection is not wanted on the voyage of discovery. Perfection is not found in the beauty of our artistry. When we touch on the blue-glass iridescence of shimmering possibilities, our grip on expectations loosens as the vision for our creations clarifies.

What interests me is the point where the illuminative transitional pull from feeling like the yearning seems to be choking the ability to produce anything of substance moves to a place where one enters the zone where creative flow alights. I believe it can be compared to experiencing early morning dawn after the 4 am dark night. Both are beautiful in their own way. Both are needed in the gestation of creation. Both can be dwellings where we are captured by the internal dance, if we don't find ourselves trapped in encircling yearnings. But, there is an indescrible essence where "aha" happens.....and the heartdance is found.

ECMA's !! Wish you were here!

Music is the gift which takes us to a deeper level of feeling. Sometimes, it offers us a real and tangible understanding that we all have the capacity to mine those feelings found deep in the crevasses of our soul. I can't imagine a life without music.

Beethoven said "music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life." How true! Not only does it have the capacity to weave our thoughts and hearts together when it is shared and appreciated, it may even be the essence of who we are as human beings. This is what I was thinking at I sat in awe of Blues singer Matt Anderson who displayed a level of unadulterated rawness during his performance at the Fredericton Playhouse last night. It was like he channeled the most vulnerable spot in his soul and invited us to be there with him. WOW.

I wish I could charter a plane and bring you all to Fredericton this weekend, because it truly feels like the place to be for a musical immersion. The East Coast Music Awards are in town this year, bringing with it over 200 acts ranging from Celtic to Rock to Folk to Classical, to Gospel to Country. It's overwhelming actually to even map out a plan to absorb as much of it as you can. But, I'm trying me best............. :)

Every pub and venue is rockin' with music all weekend long as the "warm up" to the awards show tomorrow night. Many of the acts are new.........just starting out and not known well even in these parts (their home stomping grounds) which makes for an opportunity to see the next bright star. Some acts have a Maritime following and while others have pushed the borders out of the way and are recognized and admired over a larger landscape.

It's all amazing. I want to see and feel and experience it all.............a bit greedy, I am!

February can be a month of tired hibernation especially when the snow keeps accumulating and the cold begins to seep under your skin. It's the time of year when people struggle the most to find balance and energy. I know for me, there are days in February that seem like they will never end. And yet, last night when I stepped outside of the Fredericton Playhouse in between the sets of two distinctively different yet highly entertaining artists, I felt a rush of life, and sense of being enthralled with the beauty of the season. Big fluffy snowflakes were falling from the night sky decorating all that they touched, muffling the traffic going by, silencing the harmonies in the air, offering a postcard picture of a vibrant downtown. As I watched the streetlights capture the sparkle of the snowflakes as they floated down to the ground, I felt like I had stepped into a grace note.........which I inhaled as deep as I could.

Then, I went inside and was carried away by the performance of Ashley McIsaac whose frenetic brilliance that sparks out of his fiddle took my breath away. As crazy and unpredictable our most famous Cape Breton fiddler can be, his talent cannot be expressed in mere words

Don't you wanna be here? This afternoon, I'm attending a songwriter's circle with 5 singer songwriters who will take turns leading the others in one of their compositions and sharing it with all of us. And from there? Who knows? :) I'm open to it all.

You know, I think February is THE perfect month for a music festival in Canada.....even if it's taking in the Blues.....especially if it includes some fast toe stompin' high steppin' Celtic energy!

ps.......here's a snippet of Ashley's talents.....it's a Youtube video from 1994 but I've chosen it because he's playing with the Rankin brothers, Jimmy (who's in town performing tonight) and John Morris who was tragically killed in a car accident a few years ago. Playing the guitar is Stuart Cameron, who's father is the late John Allan Cameron who was a mentor to all of these men and loved by many fans far and wide. John Allan passed away just before the ECMA awards last year and there was a big tribute for him....his legacy will carry on through his music. Stuart Cameron played with Ashley last night and sang an emotionally beautiful song about his father. I felt like I was watching (from the FRONT row no less) and listening to a song for the ages. If I manage to get my hands on it, I'll post it for you.

unison........

Sultry night jazz with a touch of hip swaying blues...... an old recording which still has the verve to bring them together .... touching in familiarity as they find their dance during the early hours. With no one to interupt, they have a moment in time to revisit the harmony which brought them together in the first place. Freedom to reflect, and an open dance floor, their living room lit up by candlelight to swing and sway in unison. Crooning smooth voices fill the air accompanied by the allure of the saxophone.

They grab the opportunity, heightened by the music which touches their own rhythm. They let all responsibilities, worries, doubts, anxieties slide into an abyss.............for the moment. Awarenss in motion........in the moment. So little opportunity just to dance together as a couple. It seems to be the one thing that gets squeezed out in the melee of busy days filled with life.

yes sometimes life gets in the way of a much craved dance.

together again

It's a taste of joy dipped in cognac -

smiling warmth embraced as they talk quietly,

letting cares slip to the floor,

finding the comfort in silence,

something acquired after

long never ending courtship confessions

when there was time for it

future planning,

daily rundowns....

updates, make dates, restates

then.....

silence as their feet take them on a trip.

the dance continues long after the song is over.

soft shoe sway til the light of day.

and it feels just right.

Dance is the prompt this week for Sunday Scribblings. For more twilight dancing, click here.

With a little help from Bono.

Early morning sunrise - a brilliant orange flaming sky is the background to an empowering anthem pulsating out of the speakers situated throughout the kingdom....... YES I have changed my theme song! And, it's about bloody time.

Awake! Awake to the echoing welcome of my friend Bono and his band of inspiration........a new day begins............

I believe in the kingdom come

Then all the colors will bleed into one

Bleed into one

Well yes I'm still running.

It's a new day.........the day I am Queen for the day..........trying to find what I'm looking for.......

when I proclaim that henceforth, our streets will have no names.

I want to run

I want to hide

I want to tear down the walls

That hold me inside

I want to reach out

And touch the flame

Where the streets have no name

Equality, companionship, kinship will reign......

I will level the rugby playing field.........as Queen.

Dance like you can...........

Together! Dance..........

The kingdom will become a community where all are welcome.

Where all are treated with respect and dignity

Where we look to the window in the skies

and realize.....

We all matter.

In the name of love

What more in the name of love?

Let the dogs and children run freely and safely along our streets with no name.........

Let us find what we are looking for.......our hearts beating as One?

yes.

My kingdom is where the music plays.......

ps. May I add that as Queen, I will have a striking resemblance to Helen Mirren? And if I walkaway, walkaway, walkaway will you follow? :)

A Royal purple prompt from Sunday Scribblings...........Queen for the day.......hmmm.....

Dancing reflections

Dance

When you're broken open

Dance

If you've torn your bandage off

Dance

In the middle of fighting

Dance in your blood

Dance when you're perfectly free

Rumi

Wouldn't it be nice to fall into a place where everything has music to dance to, even when we don't initially feel like dancing? There is no way in the world one can stay depressed or angry or afraid or anxious when one is finding their groove thang.

Have you tried it? The more expressive the better.........just like you can when no one is watching. It's easy to sway into a jazzy hip grinding motion when you're feeling fine. It's already surging heat in your blood. It's not so easy when the thick foggy emotions buffer the music and repel the movement. But that's when a twirling two step is needed the most.

Today, I struggled to prepare myself for my return to work tomorrow. I've been home since the end of July dancing to my own beat. It was needed.......on many levels. For one thing, I needed to put some space between me and my work environment in order to clear my head and think about what I can do to move on and out of there, while staying true to my lifework passion for counselling.

This isn't an easy task when one lives in a town where work options are minimal, but I think I have found a few. It may take more time than I want it to, but I'm hopeful. This will help tomorrow when I'm faced with the daunting amount of work which awaits (no one covered for me) and the daunting feelings I know will surface when I sit across from the person who has made my work life miserable for a year now.

Dance when you're broken open............I wonder if I can get away with doing the tango up and down the office hallway? It may be the answer.........for one thing, it would make me feel better AND make me laugh. And another thing..........maybe they would think I was completely whacko and either leave me be, or help me get out of there. hahaha..........hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

When I look back on the weeks I have been home, I didn't accomplish much of what I had intended, but isn't that always the way? I'm not disappointed, because unpredicable wonderful moments took the place of many of my planned intentions.

We travelled more, entertained more, and enjoyed the company of more overnight guests than I had anticipated.

I found myself with a new blog and a new place to display my writing. Though it has had a few speed bumps thrown in and I'm still vascillating over whether or not this is a good use of my time, it continues to be a good learning experience.

I spent more downtime just decompressing while finding my happy dancing feet again and little by little the insomnia slipped away and the calm returned inside me. Interestingly, I have bumped into a handful of colleagues over the course of the past week and they have all commented on how much healthier and calmer I look. My glow is returning. I'm rested.

Most importantly, we celebrated the lives of my Mother and Father in law on Labour Day weekend with friends and family who flew in from all parts of the country. One childhood friend of my husband's arrived from Barcelona to spend a week with us. I would never have been able to predict how needed it was to let it all hang out in Spencer's Island........to laugh, to cry and to share stories in a place which has deep meaning for all who made the journey. It was cathartic, and life affirming. The dread I felt before the weekend lifted in the church when I sat listening to my brother in law as he let his heart pour out, trusting all who were in attendance with his deeply harboured emotions.

A sacredness in tears which felt empowering for all.

Yes, it was good to have an open ended time schedule, to allow for feelings and thoughts to intermingle with reflections. This is when the best ideas come forward because it is so freeing from the shackles of previous knowledge. Does that make sense? Sometimes we need freedom from our routines to be able to shift our thinking to another place. Sometimes previous learning and set routines anchor us in the place called same.

I needed a shift. Some of the shift happened.

Dance when you're perfectly free......

Maybe that's the key to what Rumi is saying........maybe dancing when we are feeling broken allows us the avenue to seek freedom.......freedom as a state of mind. If we continue to dance, we will resolve our brokenness and move towards feeling perfectly free. For it is in the mindfulness of freedom when we feel the sense of empowerment and confidence to be able to surrender the need to be in control of our every move.

I think I'll pack my tap shoes just in case I decide to channel Mr. Bo Jangles tomorrow. It can only help maintain the shift........and the state of mind.