the pursuit of happiness and meaning

oooh, looks like Christmas arrived as planned. it was a wonderful day. I got meeself a new book and oh, yeah an engagement ring from my husband.

"Each person has his secret and mystery, his particular journey, his vocation to grow. Certainly, many people never achieve full maturity, but each can make a little progress toward establishing his identity and becoming open to others. The important thing is not that we should acheive human perfection -- far from it -- but that we should set out on the road toward it through acts of openness and love, kindness and communion. Every person today, in whatever situation he finds himself, in his home or at work, can perform such acts. "

Jean Vanier, Essential Writings, One Heart at a Time.

We are all born with potential. My potential may look very different and feel very different than yours because we all have own our uniqueness. What we share and what we have some empowerment over, are the conscious choices we make as human beings. Who we become is based on the values we want to live by, the friends we choose to connect with, the vocation we choose to stretch ourselves in, where we establish our foundational roots and whether or not we choose to accept the responsibility of playing a role in the life of community. These are based in reality, not in a life cupped by illusionary dreams.

We strive. We strive to accept ourselves for who we are and for who we are becoming. Its tough to remain open and honest with secrets tucked underneath the blemished freckled skin that encases us. Its not an easy thing to love ourselves, warts and all. We want to eradicate the freckles, lose the wrinkles, hide the grey hair, get rid of the lumps and bumps. We spend precious time waxing and plucking and shaping our outer skin as a means of avoiding a good long look at our secrets. And if we don't take a peak at those, we also don't learn about our hidden abilities either, nor do we recognize the hurts tucked away in a fault. The problem with this approach to life is that if we choose not to wrestle with the serious frightening side of who we are, we forfeit the opportunity to learn about our gifts. If you've never allowed yourself a chance to create something from your own canvas, how will you ever know the kind of artist you are becoming?

What a waste of a lifetime to be constantly resculpting the outer shell......wearing masks to avoid taking a good look. Our capacity to grow deepens if we become more honest with ourselves because it is then when we can be open to accepting those around us.

In his always inspirational words, Jean Vanier writes......."the dangerous thing for human beings is to want to be other than who they are, to want to be someone else, or even to want to be God. We need to be ourselves with our gifts and abilities, our capacity for communion and co-operation. This is the way to be happy."

So often we shrink away from sharing who we really are for fear of being rejected or feeling insignificant. These are fears we bring forward in our own psyche......from past experiences of being unloved, neglected, abused, treated poorly. We may have been bullied. People may say mean things to us over and over to a point where we begin to believe the words, the descriptions of who we are. If this wound is left to fester inside hidden behind a mask which covers up our true selves, it impacts every single choice we make with respect to our relationships…..it impacts our actions and reactions. It tackles our very own ability to think and feel effectively.

I have a few friends whom I am completely at ease being myself with and I hope they feel the same with me. One lovely friend told me that nothing I shared would scare him away and am happy to report ….. so far so good. At times he calls me crazy, but I know it’s done with a tender endearment. I have been able to be more reflectively honest in this friendship because I was given carte blanche. The gift is freedom.

I also have friends who are uncomfortable with my honesty and I try to hold back. When they ask me about my work or how I’m feeling they only want staid and pat answers……..nothing which would warrant discomfort. I'm usually fine with that, though it saddens me that I can't fully be myself and more importantly I will never know them except as surface dwellers. Their choice. Not mine.

There is nothing more affirming that to be accepted as the hairy, lumpy bumpy freckled beasts we are because it allows us to carry our secrets, our uniqueness with a sense of acceptance and belonging. It also feeds our curiosity to ask others to share with us.

If we are ever going to make the much needed shift in this world…..to work towards a semblance of solidarity instead of a competitive judgemental hierarchy where winning is always the goal; if we are ever going to recognize the fundamental sameness of all…..vulnerable human beings, needful of love and acceptance…..we must begin by looking at our own mysteries, not simply as regrets, but as gifts of learning. Golden gifts to mine….and to share.

Much of life is predetermined……how we share it and whom we share it with isn’t.

A photo of my friend Joey who sells her homemade Thai food at the market from spring to late fall. This year, despite her strong aversion to the cold Canadian winters, Joey decided to bundle up during the month of December to sell her spring rolls, wontons, thai noodles and wonderful sweet potato crisps every Saturday morning. Why? Well, she could use the money herself being a lifelong student constantly striving for more academic food. But, her true philosophy is that she can live frugally and be happy doing so. No, the money she earned went to personal items for the men and women at the shelters, and to a children's charity that is close to her heart.

Two weeks from now, Joey heads home to Thailand to see her family and to continue planning her calling....to help women in her country strive to pull themselves out of poverty. She is a lively feisty beautiful woman and we've shared many secrets over the past couple of years. I admire her completely.

Happy New Year Joey. See you when the crocuses begin to peak through the snow in spring.