Friday, April 23, 2010
get over it
get on with it.
you've got to move on......
not that i particularly enjoy sitting in the field during the interim, i know there is a purpose. to reach a place where bitterness is left behind, where unanswered questions can be laid to rest, where some answers can be discovered, i have to restlessly remain in a place between "back there and over there...."
sure, i'd love to know the secret timeline for "getting over it....." does anyone know?
what are the rules to this process? OH! It's an individual thing...... nice. this isn't a good answer for a chronic perambulating thinker.
I wish there were times when I could just stop the incessant thinking. But, that's an impossibility, and absurd in my case. prayer helps this.... will do more of that.
just remember..........God provides minimum protection and maximum support.......
yes, yes.......... He's there in that field.... holding me as I face the elements. He's in the ground below where I sit, offering me a pretty fantastic view.....360 degrees, past, present and future. He keeps reminding me to...
Sit, go slow, walk to clear your head, write to let the feelings and pent up words out, to connect with others, to do things, to push outside of the comfort zone often, to talk it out........ to pray. He keeps showing up in the most interesting places with a smile and a listening ear. He lets me be. He lets me be. Unprotected but supported.
I'm learning...... when I think of what I've learned in just a short month, I smile. I'm smiling.
grief knows no boundaries. sure there are certain rules of decorum. i mean you can't prostrate yourself in the middle of a busy intersection without someone calling for the straight jacket. people grow weary quickly if you carry on too openly with your vitriolic woe is me schtick. on the other hand, they look at you with judgemental eyes if move too quickly too. so, what are the rules? what is the timeline?
I can only be myself. But, that didn't work did it? I was who I am and was rejected.
Still, I will be myself.
I am who I am.
I can change....... his perceptions of me seem so clearly wrong. I can't change that.
i have few answers to the questions which bore deep inside me, and this isn't going to change. the answers are not forthcoming and will never be. i can only twist myself into a pretzel trying to fill in the blanks, trying to face down my own part in the dance that ended. the sorries have no depth, no meat to them. things happen, i am told. i didn't mean it to.
no that was a choice i say.....a hurting one. a deeply sorrowful hurting one.
it makes me want to lash out. sometimes i do. most times i try my best to let it go. it was not my choice. my choices have come after the dance ended. the dance has ended.
we danced so beautifully together..........lively and free......
yeah, we have choices and can choose bravery over weak-kneed escapes.
the choices reverberate like a clanging gong...........inside me sometimes.
other times, the gong settles..........
and i know the answers will not be forthcoming.
my apologies to myself and others do.
and soon forgiveness?
i tried. not good enough it seems. but i tried.
i'm in the iterim field of lonely still, but i do see that i've moved a speck to the left. forgiveness is where i am. forgiveness is where the lifting of the spirit resides. breathing helps. breathing is where i am. today.
did you know that the word spirit comes from the word breath? did you know that the holy spirit is a feminine entity? as a woman, I will breathe life back into my feminine soul........ like i did with my children. they came from my breath.
renewal begins in the spring.....in a field of interim. I am breathing, filling my lungs the best i can. my wings are evolving. eventually a new dance will arise......
Let's see what today brings......... :)