Friday, April 23, 2010

interim .....

get over it
get on with it.
you've got to move on......

not that i particularly enjoy sitting in the field during the interim, i know there is a purpose.  to reach a place where bitterness is left behind, where unanswered questions can be laid to rest, where some answers can be discovered, i have to restlessly remain in a place between "back there and over there...."

sure, i'd love to know the secret timeline for "getting over it....."  does anyone know? 
what are the rules to this process?  OH!  It's an individual thing...... nice.   this isn't a good answer for a chronic perambulating thinker. 

I wish there were times when I could just stop the incessant thinking.  But, that's an impossibility, and absurd in my case.  prayer helps this.... will do more of that. 

just remember..........God provides minimum protection and maximum support.......

yes, yes.......... He's there in that field.... holding me as I face the elements. He's in the ground below where I sit, offering me a pretty fantastic view.....360 degrees, past, present and future.  He keeps reminding me to...

Sit, go slow, walk to clear your head, write to let the feelings and pent up words out, to connect with others,  to do things,  to push outside of the comfort zone often,  to talk it out........ to pray.  He keeps showing up in the most interesting places with a smile and a listening ear.  He lets me be.  He lets me be.  Unprotected but supported. 

I'm learning...... when I think of what I've learned in just a short month, I smile.  I'm smiling.

grief knows no boundaries.  sure there are certain rules of decorum.  i mean you can't prostrate yourself in the middle of a busy intersection without someone calling for the straight jacket.  people grow weary quickly if you carry on too openly with your vitriolic woe is me schtick.  on the other hand, they look at you with judgemental eyes if move too quickly too.  so, what are the rules?  what is the timeline? 

I can only be myself.  But, that didn't work did it?  I was who I am and was rejected. 
Still, I will be myself.
I am who I am.
I can change....... his perceptions of me seem so clearly wrong.  I can't change that.

i have few answers to the questions which bore deep inside me, and this isn't going to change. the answers are not forthcoming and will never be.   i can only twist myself into a pretzel trying to fill in the blanks, trying to face down my own part in the dance that ended.  the sorries have no depth, no meat to them.  things happen, i am told.  i didn't mean it to.  

no that was a choice i say.....a hurting one. a deeply sorrowful hurting one.

it makes me want to lash out.  sometimes i do.  most times i try my best to let it go.  it was not my choice. my choices have come after the dance ended.  the dance has ended. 

we danced so beautifully together..........lively and free......

yeah, we have choices and can choose bravery over weak-kneed escapes. 
the choices reverberate like a clanging gong...........inside me sometimes. 
other times, the gong settles..........
and i know the answers will not be forthcoming.
my apologies to myself and others do.
and soon forgiveness?
i tried.  not good enough it seems.  but i tried.

i'm in the iterim field of lonely still, but i do see that i've moved a speck to the left.  forgiveness is where i am.  forgiveness is where the lifting of the spirit resides.  breathing helps.  breathing is where i am. today.

did you know that the word spirit comes from the word breath?  did you know that the holy spirit is a feminine entity?  as a woman, I will breathe life back into my feminine soul........ like i did with my children.  they came from my breath. 

renewal begins in the a field of interim.  I am breathing, filling my lungs the best i can.  my wings are evolving.   eventually a new dance will arise......

Let's see what today brings......... :)


Gilly said...

Dana - just remember:-

1. "Getting over it" is not a competition. You take as long as it takes.

2. You won't "get over it" to a position where you were before it all started. You have been changing, growing, altering ever since you were born.

3. "Coming to terms" with it all is on your terms, no one else's.

4. The journey is never easy, or even. Its two steps forwards and one step back. Sometimes its even one forward and two back. That's OK. Its the way it is.

5. Don't let anyone tell you what you "ought" to be doing, feeling or thinking. Its you in your situation, no one else.

6. If you are inclined to mope, go and do something. Make a cake, paint a picture, something that needs a bit of thought.

7. Never trust a friend, even the best, with too much information. If you need a shoulder to cry on, keep details to a minimum. If you need to let it all out, either write it down and then burn, or find a counsellor.

Sorry, I'm being too practical again! Prayers ascending, and cyber hugs sent. X

Twain12 said...

great advice from Gill. I can relate to your journey and i'm sending you my love, i don't have any wise words or advise but i can listen (or read)and send you some good thoughts and understanding.

Selma said...

I wanted to comment about you being yourself and still being rejected. I have found that being yourself doesn't work unless the other person is also being themselves. It's not about your authentic self having attributes that were unacceptable; it's more about his inability to find his authentic self. Does that make sense?

What I'm really trying to say is that you are a beautiful person. Don't ever think you're not good enough. Love to you.

Anonymous said...

Gilly says it very well. And as far as you being rejected your with the best even Jesus was rejected by his own.
Love to you

Cyrus Rumi said...

Sometimes when we stop thinking...very difficult to master...does some kind of realisation that realisation in a positive way that complements your 'being'...

My kind thoughts are with you.