“Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else's skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.”
Frederick BuechnerVulnerability. Expressed compassion, whether it's done verbally or with our silent actions comes from our openness to feel vulnerable ourselves. To be comfortable opening our hearts to share someone elses highs and lows, to learn another's joy and sorrows happens when we can peel our protective shields away. This is when we can step forward into the uneasiness of deep emotion knowing that the initial discomfort of peaking into the insides of someone else will lead to a bond with another person.......... a connection which will remain strong long after the shared moment.
Vulnerability is the key to finding peace and joy.
19 comments:
Amen Dana.
you know I think it is...
I love that explanation of compassion - he has a certain way with words that Frederick Buechner...
Love the Buechner quote!
I love the quote too. It can be very difficult sometimes to expose yourself to another person's pain and live it with them but it would be even more difficult not to.
Thanks! I needed this today!
I was given a gift, many years ago, by loving parents, who knew that despite the resulting separation, which made me sad and which cost me some degree of emotional distress, would reward me for the rest of my life.
They sent me off to a magical place on a lake in Haliburton, Ontario - into the care of people who lived compassionate lives - ones of which Frederick Buechener would most certainly have approved.
...and there I learned, by example, (the best way) what it meant to be vulnerable and how compassion could reward.
I was amongst many others, who over the years learned these lessons. On whose hearts were imprinted the realities of joy and sorrow, of highs and lows, of success and failure. I entered into love affairs with people! I found lifelong friends. I discovered my heroes.
We broke bread together, we survived together... we experienced connections that have remained strong long after those shared moments.
I cannot think who to thank more - those who placed me into the environment of vulnerability and compassion or those who taught me both.
All I can do is be thankful that my life has been made complete by these experiences and be thankful that I can share in the resulting feelings of peace and joy.
I love to read your posts, Muskie -they take me to that magical place and remind me of such things.
"DAISY"
Katie...I do like how Buechner phrases his beliefs. They seem so accessible to me. I first learned of who he is when I read Philip Yancey's book, Soul Survivor. Have you read that book? It also introduced me to Henri Nouwen.
Dustin.....I love it too. He wording "fatal capacity" conjures up a visual of surrendering into someone elses realm....two becoming one and in so doing fulling understanding each other. If only we could expand that notion to encompass humanity. It is not what the term "Body of Christ" means?
Gypsy....difficult either way you're right....so why not feel the compassion? Its way more life affirming, and yet more risk taking than the alternative. But, to sit back and watch someone struggle and cope with serious life changing crises OR to watch someone not have another to celebrate the miracle of giving birth for example? How can we let this be?
Judy.....Compassion is a gift of giving and receiving....it is the way to understanding the shifts in our lives don't you think? Thinking of you and Mr. Kenju and your whole family as you compassionately share the shifts happening in your lives.
Daisy....WOW. You have written the essence of why our time at camp remains meaningful to us all. I hadn't thought of it in those terms until I read your wonderful comment.
The first picture that came to mind was the quiet interaction between an older counsellor and a camper who is away from home for the first time. Homesick and displaced,....feeling more vulnerable than they ever have in their young lives......usually happening at bedtime when the darkness would bring the silent calm, but also the silent fears...many times I sat with little ones while on night watch who were feeling this way. The compassion shared, even though it was very emotional for the homesick camper, formed bonds like secret handshakes that no other event would ever do.
The years I was on staff, I was often given the nightwatch duties of the girls tentline the first night of camp and visitors day mid month. Visitors day was fun, but it jumbled everyone up......some kids parents wouldn't show even though they told their kids they were coming, some kids had an overwhelming amount of visitors and attention....and everything in between. I remember one in particular......everyone had settled down except two sisters in different tents.....I had found both quietly weeping alone. The youngest wouldn't tell me what was upsetting her so much....so when I went to find her sister I found her crying too.
I got them both up and out of their tents......we tiptoed down to the beach and sat on a big log looking out at the dark lake and the million stars.....they finally shared.....their parents were separating. How horrendous to be told this at age 12 and 14 and then left to figure it out......away from home no less.
it was an emotional night.....lots of anger and upsets.....we talked and talked until fatigue kicked in and silence took over. I felt so sorry for these two urchins and vowed I would keep an eye on them. What happened (and I didn't know at the time that this would occur........I was young myself) was that this night of them sharing and of me trying to figure out how to help them and support them best lead to a bond between us which is a strong now. I don't see them or hear from them often....I had a chance to work with both of them when they came on staff too.....but I know if I asked them to describe the moment when we connected? It would be that night. Out of sharing sadness and despair.......can grow a deep long lasting friendship.
thanks Daisy.......hadn't thought about that night in a while.
I always feel refreshed and inspired after reading your words you have a magical feel to what you write. You are a blessing. xx
Hey Muskie,
I loved nightwatch.
It meant leaving the lodge and friends and PB&J's and - perhaps one of the most comforting and friendship filled times that we had at camp....
...but, it was a time to engage some kids who needed us the most!
I loved those times because they allowed us the opportunity to share in the very vulnerability that you speak of in your comments that help to define the Buechner quote.
Camp had so many special times and impacts. Whether they were the daily interactions in the craft shop or at the Ski dock (and those were special and rewarding times, no doubt) or whether it was at meal time and during sing-song or during evening activity, those were all wonderful and, meaningful times...
...but - (isn't there always a but?)
...don't you think that we (you and I...and all of the other "kids" that were on staff) learned the real life lessons, the most important tenants of life when we were thrust into the realities of "living inside others' skins"?
I loved those kids... (keep in mind one of mine was a kid who eventually become ee-ii!) but we could not have thrived in such an environment unless we had learned how to truly feel what they felt and shared in their joys and sorrows.
It is what brought us all together!
We were not on staff together. You were a camper when I was on staff -although we were not far apart - what allows us to share... sooooooo much in common was what we both learned from the same teachers! They were extraordinary and we continue to live our lives with genuine concern for those around us due to the "compassion" that we were taught to feel for our neighbours.
My love for you and yours - abounds, because I was given permission and the ability to feel it by my teachers...and I will be forever thankful to them for it!
DAISY
I've always been afraid to open up to people. No idea why, I have never been discouraged to do so. This past relationship, I did. And he didn't. So I felt too vulnerable. I ended it. And now I think I'm back to square one.
I think this gets harder with marriage, at least for us guys.
I'm not speaking for all guys, but I do know I'm not alone on this. I'm still open with my wife about my hopes/dreams/aspirations. But I tend to keep my worries/issues/problems/concerns to myself.
I don't believe it's caused by a fear of vulnerability so much as what I see as a need to be "the strong one" in the relationship. My wife is a bit of a pessimist and I'm an optimist. She's never said it but I believe she counts on me to be that optimist. If I start expressing concerns or worries, I fear it will knock her a bit off balance. (I can see her thinking "I thought I was just overreacting about things but if he's worried too, maybe this IS really that serious.")
I want to be more open about these things but I also believe there's a balance there. My wife & I tend to be opposites pessimism/optimism liberal/conservative, etc. etc. We balance each other out. If I start showing doubts/fears/concerns... if I show those vulnerabilities I fear it will knock things way off balance. Does that make sense?
this is very good stuff here dana I like perplexios questiining what is the proper balance??? i know i try to be very open and vulnerable on my blog so much easier since no one is in front of me with facial expressions body language vocal intonations and other things that might make ne clam up being vulnerable is a good thing
Hey Shaz...what a nice thing to write. Thank you. I'm just trying to figure it out as I go along.
Daisy....you are quite right. The middle of the Shasta DAISY....we all as the petals? heeheehee.
Though I was never homesick myself (big surprise there....) I do remember vividly an evening when something had happened and I found myself sitting with Skip sharing my little kid soul and he taking me very seriously, showing such compassion. There were nights too when I was on staff when I couldn't sleep.....I used to wake up in the middle of the night sometimes with fears of the whole idea of death.....I would head up to the Hub only to find Nish awake too for the same reason. I found this out when I had the nerve to tell her what was bothering me. We would then make a cup of tea and talk quietly while the whole camp slept.
Many many moments observed and experienced which fed my understanding of compassion and my comfortability in expressing a sense of vulnerability.
It was also a strong lesson learned at home as well. The value of looking out for others, of showing compassion to our neighbours was something instilled in me at home as well.....i'm sure it was the same for you. Church was another place where it was nurtured by a wonderful loving Minister whom I always felt close to.
It makes me wonder about compassion being a "pay it forward" kind of lesson.....anyone can learn and express it once they have felt it themselves. It is to be shared.
Ah, K......I'm so sorry that happened to you. It is a risk we take and it hurts SO bad when it's not accepted and/or reciprocated.
That saying......Dance like no one's watching......Love like you've never been hurt......we must use that as a mantra. I honestly believe that. Even though we do get burned so badly sometimes when we show and share our love (THE most vulnerable gift we can give) we need to always get back on the love wagon and try again!
Perplex....it makes complete sense to me. I think many relationships have this tendancy.....opposites do attract don't they because there is a balancing out. There are many traits my husband and I share.....and many values and beliefs, and yet we are very different people. For one thing, he hates fiddle music! :) How nutty is that? Apart from that little quirk, we do compliment one another in many situations....if we have a party, for example...I'm the planner and pre party organizer...I get it all set up and more often than not stay in the background making things tick......while my husband interacts, keeps the music going, pulls people together, gets conversations going etc. We'd actually be really good at running a bed and breakfast.
One story that comes to mind was a trip to Ontario at Christmas years ago...driving through the night and into Montreal through slushy conditions, our car started acting up. I was driving and freaking that we were going to stall right in the middle of the highway in the middle of the night. My husband kept encouraging me....knowing there was an all night gas station rest stop at the Quebec/Ontario border.....to keep chugging away.......lots of encouraagement. And I kept going. When we finally reached the gas station which had an all night restaurant....we rolled in and the car conked out right at the door. Relieved and EVER thirsty for a cup of tea, I was completely fine. Then, it was my husbands turn to freak. "What are we going to do?" he asked......and I calmly said......"We're going to have tea first......" We have had many moments, more serious than this when our reactions to things have complimented one another.....especially when it came to dealing with our children when they were little and would get sick. I was a mess at times, so frightened about fevers and croup....whereas he was able to handle it much more gracefully and calmly......
having just written a novel here......I do think it's something a couple needs to talk about so that each is aware of how they feel about their role and perceptions in their marriage, because it's important to have fluidity and some flexibility....there will be a time when you won't want to or even be able to be the strong one....that you will need to express your worries in order to figure them out.....just to know this is possible, that this door is open alleviates the rigidity of our roles in our marriages.
We don't have control over someone else's reaction....as much as we have this unrelenting desire to protect the ones we love, we have to have the freedom and avenue to be honest with our feelings.
I probably just clouded the issue, didn't I?
Sometimes I WISH I could jump through this screen and have a good face to face chat with you all!
Hey Robert...we were posting comments at the same time I think....I stopped writing for a while to watch the end of Survivor! :)
Balance is a fluid thing. It's always changing in a relationship and in our lives. It's not static like it appears. So, we may reach a point where we feel like things are evened out......balanced and content and happy etc.....then a BOOMERANG in life is thrown in....a curve ball and it whacks out our balance. I think we have a tendancy to believe that once something is set, it's set in stone and that is what is meant as balance. It can't be further from the truth. As soon as we learn something new, or a new skill, the alignment reoccurs, right?
UGH!!!
You Irving bloggers make me malade!!!
:P
Charles? malade? Q'est que c'est monsieur bloggerman?
Ou est tu?
All these lovely and nice blog?
You people make me sick!!!
:P
Everything is all ok in this wonderful world....
:P
I don't think ANYONE thinks this world is A-OK. In fact, I think we are all in agreement that it isn't.
However, don't you think Charles if we were more open minded and respectful of one another....if we could be more compassionate AND express it to our fellow human beings every once in a while that at least we could see a difference in our own neighbourhoods?
the only way I can see to deal with all of the chaos and violence and terror in this global village of ours is to share my feelings and compassion to the people in my life.....to those around me. It's too frigging monumental for one person like me to attempt to make a HUGE change globally.
BTW Charles.....GREAT chatting with you this afternoon!! You always make my day......honestly you do.
go get em tiger!
Can't fight that one...Your picture is in my blog.....
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