searching out new horizonsIt's a whole new ballgame as my daughter attempts to figure out the chaotic order of high school and I try to figure out how best to support her and how NOT to freak out everytime I start thinking too much about the blackboard jungle she has just entered.
Though it feels a little bit like it did when she started kindergarten.....the uneasines of letting go in order to support her independence, trusting the "system" to look after her when you aren't personally part of the system at the beginning, feeling strange not being there to care for her when she may need me.......high school is a bigger much scarier place. We are off to a rousing start. Her first two days, she came home with a look of a deer caught in the headlights and promptly crashed in her bed EARLY after spilling her thoughts of the chaos and newness and not knowing where to go or how to get there......
Since then? She has found her sense of direction and her confidence to figure it out.......it's alright to stumble along......everyone else is in the same boat. This helps.
This morning, while eating breakfast, she was telling me about the boy who sits next to her in her Math class.........a class she describes as having every "druggie" from the two middle schools and the ones who are repeating Math because they slept through the first round in attendance (excuse me, but WHY didn't the middle schools and the high schools share information on these kids and not put them in the same class? How fair is that for everyone involved, including the young new teacher??). She explained that this kid normally has a grimace on his face and isn't friendly but he has chosen to talk to her. He tells her that his cousin just started at the school and how glad he is to have him around.
Martha: "That's nice. What grade is he in?" (she's thinking this cousin just moved to town)
Classmate: "He's in Grade 10, but he's 19. He just got out of jail."
Now, my daughter isn't naive........not with her Mom working in social services and her Dad on the board of directors for the Community kitchen. More importantly, she's inherently intuitive, well aware of the difference in the lives of the people who live in and around our neighbourhood. However, she found this statement bizarre because of the delivery and was laughing when she told me, mostly because it was delivered by her classmate like it was a natural process.......cousins are sent to jail regularly.
It took every ounce of self-restraint not to ask a million questions about this kid, about her class, not to give her a hysterical lecture on the evil lurking drugworld, not to find an immunization to ward off any future commiserations with this crowd.
Me: "Wow........it sounds like he told you this like is was a normal thing.....like his cousin just moved here from Halifax or something."
Martha: "Yeah, I know. He's a nice guy............"
ACK! (Now.....don't lecture me......I know how judgemental my admitted response is.....I don't even know the kid. It's a motherly gut reaction here, not a rational one)
When I share the conversation with my husband after Martha leaves to catch the bus......his reply shaking his head......"I'm having a tough time thinking she's going to her first high school dance tonight........" Poor Dad. He's dealing with his own high school past and present demons!
Everything is new for my daughter this year........like every kid entering the world of high school. New building, new routine, new activities, new responsibilities, learning that you're basically on your own finding your way from one class to another........new people, more people. And if I let my mind wander, back to my years at high school and into my own knowledge pool of past and present, I might as well sit down and begin drooling out of fear.
Dating, sex, drug and alcohol experimentation, testing the waters, learning how to drive, figuring out a career path, exams, friends going through their own difficult stuff, moral development, disappointment, heartache, joy and excitement, successes, new relationships, global issues, taking risks.....these are all expected, anticipated, needed in order for an adolescent to define their direction, to seek out their own belief system, to make decisions which will impact the rest of their lives. Not any different than when we were in high school. What is different are the other threats..........bomb threats, violence, a much bigger barrage of information and knowledge of issues out there in the big old mean world.
High schools used to feel more safe to learn the ropes. Now, it seems like a disconnected community all unto itself. I have to learn to trust this new system.
And yet.................a 16 year old student is stabbed to death at a Toronto school this week. I just read on another blog site that 25 students were busted on drug charges at Oromocto High School yesterday and it wasn't even reported in the mainstream news.........I read it on a friend's blog! He would be well aware of this event given that he's over at that school on a daily basis. Last spring, 3 separate bomb threats rocked the other high school in town.
There's no GPS for high school. Wits, critical thinking, good sound judgement, knowing what risks are good risks, having a strong foundation built on faith and values are so needed, as are a clear sense of belonging, a supportive family, and a positive assessment of self. Knowing how to react, how to assess, what to observe, what to share, when to seek help, when to ask questions, when to duck............are these skills being taught in our younger grades? Are our kids learning these important lessons from their families? No, not universally........... and boy is it needed!!
So...........it's a whole new ballgame for all of us. Communication is key.......encouraging analysis of what has been experienced, observed, and taught is where we will focus our support. In no way do I want to clip my daughter's wings. I trust her implicitly. What I don't trust are the demons lurking in the halls of high school AND my reaction to them. I guess what I want help in is trying to figure out how to help her find the right windstream so she will continue to soar.
15 comments:
I could feel your urgency and worry in these words ... it's hard when our children go out into the world without us at their side ... but all we can do is hope that we've armed them with the right tools to navigate the challenges. You've done this for your daughter. xx, JP/deb
Hi Deb...yes a bit of urgency. I have never had a good feeling about this high school, unlike how I felt about the other schools she has attended. However, I know my view of the place is tainted given the kids I work with (and their parents, most of whom fell through the cracks there)
I also hated high school myself, and have strong feelings about how engaged learning could work.....it seems to me nothing much has changed at this level of learning which is a huge shame.
Having said that.......I look forward to heading over there next week to meet Martha's teachers and to get a proper lay of the land. she most definately has the tools and the smarts to figure most of her pending challenges......I guess I just hope she enjoys it much more than I did.
I am also still home and will return to work next week....getting back into my own routine will redirect my thinking. :)
ps. After I posted this, I had a phone call and an email regarding a consult on two kids who are in trouble (mental health stuff) and their parents don't know where to turn. It seemed very ironic that I would be called upon today when I'm having mixed thoughts about our school system. :)
I am a graduate of that school. Yes, it was a while ago in a different time but our kids are much more worldly than we ever were at their age I suspect. Martha will learn quickly which kids to avoid, what teachers to turn to and where the lines are drawn.
The school has changed but the fear was just as real for our parents when we were leaving for high school. We're just more aware of them now.
If she can get into the upper level courses in grade 10 she will be much better off...less druggie per capita if you know what I mean.
Martha's supper smart (must be the gene pool) so I am sure she'll get through high school rather unscathed...can't say the same for Mom and Dad though!! lol!!
Thanks for the feedback Sunny. Your info helps. it is a situation where more knowledge brings greater fears! :)
FHS has always seem disorganized to me, especially any of the support staff (guidance etc). Granted it's not as heavily populated now as it was when you attended, it still seems crowded and unruly.
It sucks not to have any choice.....I would prefer to send her to Rothesay and would if it was here in town. It's not that I want to protect her....I want her to still really enjoy learning when she graduates.....and not have it sucked out of her.
OK......I want to protect her from the creeps.
Aware, I am glad you wrote this because now I have a place to point to when someone tries to argue with me that "things have not changed that much since we were in high school". How can an intelligent person make that claim?
As for your daughter, the fact that she talks to you is so key. So crucial. I would venture to guess she has friends, that she does not feel like an oustider. With those things going for her (good communication with parents and good friends) she will most likely be okay. I think even the "bad kids" avoid trying to persuade the kids like your girl into their groups, they usually prey an kids that are looking for approval or whatever.
I'm not an expert, but I have two years of high school behind my me (my son is a Jr. this year) and it was for sure the most difficult years for him. He thinks its been GREAT cause he loves getting high and having girls flirt with him.
Our once open communication has almost shut down. He will talk to me, but I have to force it out of him. I think boys are naturally less talkative than girls.
Anyhow, sorry to write a novel here, you obviously struck a chord.
I have a good feeling that your daughter will do well in school and be okay (easy for me to say, huh?)
Hey Layla...I'm glad you wrote a novel :)
I do think much hasn't changed since we were in high school....the curriculum and the teaching strategies seem quite similar and consequently archaic. How many teachers help students develop their own learning goals, thereby offering them a chance to have a say in their own learning? It's buy in for goodness sake.
Where I see the big difference are the issues and pressures put on the kids these days. Sure sex drugs and really great music was in attendance when we were there, but even pot today is laced with potency.....everything seems to be more dangerous. AIDs wasn't even around when I was in high school. STD's.......there's so many more of them......
There is more of everything....including more information and hence more choices. Our kids have grown up faster just because of the nature of what they learn and when. And yet, they havent emotionally or spiritually matured any faster.....they CANT cope because they aren't there yet developmentally. PLUS, generally speaking, we have pampered them into wimps. Unable to critically think or to make choices without intervention from the adults in their lives, they have lived in bubbles of entitlement....this is not healthy. Entitled people have no reverence for authority or rules.
It is definately a minefield....and I will do my best to stay away from the landmines....
Thanks for your feedback Layla and your good feeling wishes.
cheers.
I admit that I am a bit (read a lot) nervous about the prospect, in (thankfully) several years time of letting go of Boo and Skibo as they go through higher levels of school. I hope that I manage to do it with the skill and aplomb that you appear able to muster!
Developing that level of trust early seems to be a key.
Michele sent me, but I'd probably have come to say it anyway.
N.
That's a great post and your fears and concerns are so clearly conveyed!
Fortunately, while that whole world we're now so removed from seems immense and terrifying, the kids to adapt to it and become an integral part of it very quickly.
Thanks for stopping by and I'm pleased you found my post interesting.
I am also a Graduate of FHS and I loved every last minute of High School - mind you we were a year older than Martha - but I had a great time - the first few days are weird, but then you figure out how to get where you are going, who else is going to those places and you eventually build up a group of people that you spend your days with - Highschool is just the reality television version of Facebook. Ducks of a Feather and what not - I'm sure she'll have lots of great stories for you for the next four years and you'll be vicariously living high school with Martha, which will be worth all the fret in the long run.
Hang in there - S
Hey nice breadbox....be forewarned. The time RUSHES along and before you know it?? eeek! the aplomb and skill? thank you for the vote of confidence. I figure if i can keep stumbling along, one step ahead of things....i may be able to keep a lid on my anxieties. :)
ps. I gave a lesson on integers last night!! am very proud.
Mike....thank you for the feedback. I look forward to reading about your progress on your novel.
Hey Mr Mac!! Good to hear from you...I had hoped you'd leave an upbeat comment. Perhaps I should encourage Martha to sign up for Rugby? It certainly impacted you in powerfully positive ways....? she actually has been pondering it.
See you next week. I'm back Monday.....full speed running with appts. set up already. Just how I like things.
Wah! My baby started Kindergarten this year and all of this stuff has gone through my head, what, when and where will she be approached on these issues, what will she be faced with. Leaving her on that playground that first day not knowing anyone was the worst feeling I have felt, as though I had abondoned her and I know I went through it but I don't want her to ever feel like that, if I can take that away I would - but alas mama's all over the world would kill to know how to do this.
Life as we knew it is not what it is today. The issues we faced back then seems so small and insignificant compared to what our kids face so much sooner in life.
Sigh...........
I think what compounds this problem and makes it even more difficult for many of us...
At that stage in our lives, our hormones are raging out of control and as such putting many of us on an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know about you, but when I was in high school all of my emotions seemed amplified (actually it seemed to be that way into my early-mid twenties). My highs were higher my lows were lower and it felt like I had little control of those extremes.
So when you mention all the issues of being a new high school student and throw in the normal emotional rollercoaster that we get gift wrapped by mother nature when we hit puberty it just compounds each and every one of those new and different experiences you mentioned.
On a side note, I once had a conversation with a friend of mine about songwriter, Jim Steinman (the guy who wrote most of MeatLoaf's big hits, as well as Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart and Air Supply's Making Love Out of Nothing At All). The friend was commenting on how Steinman's songs are so "over the top." And seemed to indicate that was a BAD thing. I countered and agreed that his music was/is over the top, but added that so is adolescence. All our emotions seem so amplified, and honestly I can't think of too many other songwriters who are able to capture in music the same emotional amplification that Steinman injects into his music. Steinman has essentially written the emotional soundtrack of adolescence whether or not that was his intent.
Tay....yes, I remember that too and it was very difficult. When Max started kindergarten, he had to take the bus afterschool to the Y afterschool program. So, I followed the bus on the first day to make sure he knew when to get off etc. Much to my surprise, when the bus (and a convoy of moms in vans behind....it was VERY funny) let the kids off right at the driveway of the YMCA, there was NO ONE to meet them!! The FREX was going on at the time....it was chaotic and there were WAY too many strangers around. I quickly jumped out of my van and ran inside only to fine CHAOS in the lobby of the Y and NOT one frigging childcare worker around to help the kids on their first day of the program. I was fit to be tied. For the next two weeks at work, I fretted over Max being in this program while I tried to get him back in the daycare he attended before he started school. My complaints and anxieties were completely ignored by the Y staff.
Perplexio.....good to see you again.... YOu make some terrific points. I think it was the fear of those raging hormones my husband was afraid of.....when he stated his fears over last nights dance! :)
I had never thought of those songs as being the emotional soundtrack of adolescence......now that you brought it up, it makes sense.
This post and your previous one are interesting companion pieces. As with so many issues there are different sides to the story and you effectively illustrate the so-called rights and wrongs with school. I can feel the safety and protection afforded to the young kindergartener as well as the great unknown and possible danger affiliated with high school.
You made me think and I appreciate that. Have a great Sunday!
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